For Whom the Discord Toils
Discord Fixes Everything
Chapter 1: For Whom the Discord Toils
By Emilou
“I have to leave for dress rehearsal soon,” Sweetie Belle cried out, rushing about frantically. “Discord, is it finished yet?”
A green, scaled foot pumped the pedal of a strange machine which looked to be a mixture of a sewing machine and a coffee pot from Hell that emitted several unsettling sounds like those of a chicken being strangled. A few more seconds of poultry murder sound effects filled the air before Discord turned around. “Just a second, darling.” His dark mane, which was curled in a very Rarity-esque style, bobbed as he spoke.
Sweetie Belle pranced in place with anxiety. “Thank you again for helping, Discord. With Rarity being so busy with Sapphire Shores’ order, I wasn’t sure if I could get these costumes finished for my play in time. It’s a good thing you know how to sew.”
“Done!” Discord held up his creation to the light with the pride of a new father. What he held between avian and lion claws somewhat resembled a dress with a color scheme similar to the time Opalescence chewed up several different fabrics and hacked it up.
Sweetie Belle’s artificial smile bordered on psychotic. “Uh...” She tried to come up with a compliment but words failed her.
“You’re right. It’s missing a certain je ne sais quoi.” He studied his project with a creative intensity. “I know. It needs hamsters!”
“Hamsters?” Sweetie Belle’s voice cracked like a window meeting a rocky projectile.
Discord snapped his fingers and a variety hamsters appeared on the “dress.” The furry creatures seemed surprised but not at all worried about their predicament. In fact, they appeared quite comfortable.
“There you go, little one,” Discord said, patting the young unicorn’s head and hanging his creation on a rack with several other costumes of similar style, one of which was covered with eyes that followed Sweetie Belle’s every move.
“Wow…These costumes are…Wow?” Sweetie Belle said, trying to be polite. Even though her sister insisted the draconequus was a friend, one should still placate the Lord of Chaos if he does you a favor. Besides, the play was starting soon, and beggars couldn’t be choosers. “Thank you again, Discord. I gotta run.”
“Good luck,” Discord called out, waving a handkerchief. “Break a leg, but only if they deserve it.”
***
“Discord!”
The shrill voice pierced the air, upsetting ponies miles away, but the subject of the high note merely lifted a single eyebrow as he lowered the book he was reading while relaxing on Rarity’s fainting couch.
The door burst open, and Sweetie Belle charged in.
“Yes? Did you call?” Discord asked, licking his finger and turning a page.
“Discord, those dresses…”
“Yes…”
“They were…”
“Yesssss…”
“Amazing!”
Discord conjured up a cup of tea to sip and promptly spat the liquid out in belated startlement. “They are? I mean, of course they are.”
Sweetie Belle hopped around the couch like a young deer. “They were just what the play needed. Even the hamsters added a deeper level to my script.” On her last bounce, she landed on the draconequus’ stomach, throwing her hooves around his neck.
Discord wasn’t sure which feeling he should be experience at that moment, the high that came with unexpected praise or the sugary-sweet emotion that was worming its way to his heart due to the tight embrace.
“There were even ponies asking about some of the dresses. They wanted one just like it,” Sweetie Belle added.
A lightbulb literally turned on above Discord’s head. “I’m a fashion genius,” he gasped, standing up and squeezing the small pony to his chest a little too tightly.
“I guess,” Sweetie Belle managed to say through her squished cheeks.
“I’m going to become a fashionista! And you…” He held up the little unicorn high in the air, her legs dangling. “You, Sweetie Belle, will be my inspiration. My muse. My model.”
Sweetie Belle gasped, stars in her eyes. Rarity hadn’t even asked her to model any of her dresses. “I’ll be the best model ever! And maybe I’ll even get my cutie mark.”
“Darling,” Discord said, his voice with a false Canterlot accent, “I’ll make you into a star.”
In a flash, Discord was dressed in a white button up with a black vest and sunglasses. He then conjured up a purse that would have made the richest mare scream with envy and put Sweetie Belle inside before hanging it off of one shoulder. A Pomeranian dog snuggled next to Sweetie Belle, tongue hanging out in a smile and a pom-pom tail wagging like a flag on a windy day.
“Come, my muse. Let’s go make some magic.”
***
Rarity slowly walked from the train station to her boutique. After a late night stitching the final details of the headdress for Sapphire Shores’ custom wardrobe for her newest performance tour and traveling to Canterlot and back in the same day, she was ready to put her hooves up, have a soothing cup of tea, and read the stack of fashion and gossip magazines she hadn’t had time for lately. She might even indulge and break into her guilty-pleasure treats she kept in the back of her freezer, hidden from Sweetie Belle.
However, she was confused to come home to a crowd of ponies gathered around the front of her boutique. She was certain she had hung a sign on the door saying she was closed for the day.
“Um…excuse me. May I get in, please?” she requested in her polite-customer-service voice, raising her bags a little higher with her magic.
At her voice and face, the ponies brightened and smiled, making a pathway to her door.
“I’m sorry, but the store is closed today,” Rarity said as she unlocked the door. “If you would come back tomorrow, I’ll be opened at—“
“Oh, please, Rarity. Can we just come in for a minute?” one pony asked, and that opened the floodgate for more pleas.
Tired as she was, she hated to disappoint anypony. And besides, she could use more business. “Alright, but only for a few minutes.”
At that, ponies pushed their way in, almost stampeding onto the sales floor.
“My word. It’s like clothing is going extinct,” Rarity muttered as she put away her luggage in the back before heading to the register. With how excited the mares were, she expected a few happy customers ready to give her their bits for her dresses. However, when she looked around, all she saw was disgruntlement.
“Excuse me, but is this all you have?” a magenta mare asked, disapproval splattered all over her face.
“Uh…This is my summer line, but I have some clearance items in the back,” Rarity said, ignoring the rudeness. She was used to rudeness in her line of work. “I also make custom dresses. What kind of style are you looking for?”
“I want a dress like what Sweetie Belle was wearing in her play.”
Other ponies had stopped to listen.
Rarity’s polite smile stretched wider. “Oh. I didn’t make Sweetie Belle’s costumes. If you could describe them, maybe I could—“
“Oh.” The mare’s smile fell. “Well, do you know who made them?”
“Actually, I am unsure who did,” Rarity said, a stab of embarrassment shooting through her chest. Perhaps, even though she was busy, she should have tried to help her sister. But on the other hoof, whoever designed them must have done a good job. Maybe she made them herself, although that’s not likely after what happened at the talent show.
Before Rarity could say anything more, a loud ruckus from outside shook the boutique. Several mares screamed and jumped. One fell, causing a display to fall.
“Come one. Come all,” an achingly familiar voice permeated the air despite the insulated walls. “A new boutique is opening here in Ponyville. Discordtopia! Get your own unique dress, designed by fashionista Discord as featured in the award-winning play by Sweetie Belle.”
A stampede made its way to the door, leaving behind dresses in a tangle and hoofmarks on the rug.
Rarity braced her legs as if something was dragging her away into a horrible abyss. “Discord?!” she shrilled. If there was one pony who shouldn’t be in fashion, it was Discord. And as much as she hated to admit it, she was curious as to what the mismatched creature was up to and hopefully put a stop to it before it turned into a friendship lesson and a letter to Celestia. Or worse, someone in Canterlot will connect her to this nightmare of an incident.
She galloped out the door, only pausing long enough to lock up, and followed the voice still belting its big-top-like promotional spill.
“Hurry, hurry, hurry. Step right up and get them while their hot,” Discord shouted into a megaphone. He was wearing something a sleazy used-cart seller would wear, including the greasy mustache and large shades. “Don’t be shy. Try them on. It’s the latest fashion. Avant Discord.”
Rarity followed the crowd into a building that was a twisted and darker version of her very own boutique. It took her almost an hour to get into the doors, and when she did, she gasped at a display of mannequins sporting some dresses, if they could be called that. One was on fire.
How can ponies think these ghastly things are fashionable? Rarity wondered, tiptoeing through the throng. She touched one to check the texture of the fabric, and it started convulsing. Maybe ponies are coming here just to look. After all, it’s like a carnival in here. She noted how Pinky Pie was eating a skirt.
“You’re going to have to pay for that miss,” a sales pony said, who looked remarkably like a demented version of Rarity.
“Now that’s just rude,” Rarity muttered under her breath. “But it makes sense why there are so many ponies here. They just want to gape and ogle these weird…er…whatever these are and go home. It’s quite the joke. Heh heh.”
But then she spotted Filthy Rich and his wife walking shoulder-to-shoulder with the mayor, each wearing their purchases.
“No. No, this can’t be happening,” Rarity reassured herself, her eye twitching. “Where is that draconequus? He cannot be allowed to do this to fashion.” Armed with righteous indignation, she stomped farther into the boutique where Discord was helping a customer.
“Excuse me, but do you have this in other sizes,” a blue stallion asked, wiggling a hoof at Discord. The jacket he had tried on—a hideous sample of why certain colors clash—showing that the sleeves extended past his hoof.
“Oh, no need. I’ll just resize it with magic,” Discord said, snapping his fingers.
The jacket grew twice its size, drowning the stallion, who looked concerned about his predicament.
“There. That’s how it should look. Very dashing,” Discord said with a wide smile.
The stallion backed away, perhaps ready to return the jacket to the rack, but several ponies were smiling, nodding, and whispering. One mare was already asking for one for her boyfriend. The stallion smiled broadly and handed over some bits.
“Discord.”
The draconequus lowered his shades. His yellow eyes landed on Rarity, and he grinned. “Rarity! Darling! I’m so glad you came to my debut.” He rushed to her, grabbed her face, and kissed her cheeks in a rather extravagant display.
“Discord, what is all this? Please tell me this is an elaborate joke,” Rarity said, keeping her voice down. After all, these ponies were her main clientele. It wouldn’t do for them to witness her screaming at or killing Discord. If she had to, she’d do it in private.
“Joke? Why no, it’s not. It’s a discovery. A rise of glory. The breaking of new talent. The newest wonder to the fashion world,” Discord said, his voice filled with wonder. “Your sister handed me an opportunity, and it helped me blossom.” His words were innocent, but something about his tone, the sly look in his eye, told Rarity that he knew better.
“This is not fashion,” she shouted, but then lowered his voice. “What are you up to, Discord? Is this to get back at me for not helping Sweetie Belle? Or did I forget to invite you to something special? What slight do you have against? Let me know, and I will apologize, do anything to make it up to you, a party, an extravaganza, anything, but stay away from fashion!”
Discord sincerely looked shocked. “Rarity, you have been nothing but an inspiration to me. If it wasn’t for your influence, I wouldn’t have made it this far.” He spread his arms out as if to invite everyone into a group hug. “Mares and gentle colts, I thank everypony for coming to the opening day of Discordtopia. I have an announcement. A mare who is very near and dear to me has joined us during this momentous occasion.”
“What are you doing?” Rarity whispered as all eyes leapt to her and Discord.
“Let me introduce my friend and mentor, Miss Rarity, who has her own boutique in town.” Discord pulled her close, flashed a smile as Photo Finish took a picture.
Just as quickly as that photo was taken, Rarity’s fate was sealed with Discord’s, at least according to everypony who had a hoof in fashion. As far as Ponyville—and soon all of Equestria—was concerned, Rarity had encouraged this travesty to worm its way into the depths of all that was holy and good.
“Oh, horse apples,” Rarity snorted.
***
In the three days following, Rarity couldn’t turn around without seeing more evidence of Discord’s rise in style. When she went to the market, magazines and newspapers had his face plastered on their front pages. Merchants were cashing in on the craze, selling Discord dolls, painting, lamps, and other merchandise. More and more ponies wore his Frankenstein creations, each one more absurd than the last. Even her parents had jumped onto the band wagon. When they came to visit, Cookie Crumbles wore a bustle made of chicken wire with an airy robe billowing around it due to the fan that was attached on top of her rump.
“The generator cost extra,” Cookie Crumbles told her daughter. “But it was worth it to get an original Discord.”
Rarity didn’t know where the generator was, and she didn’t ask.
As for her father, Hondo wore a hat that appeared to be a living, purple sludge that had an appetite for anything made of glass.
“Your mother picked it out. She says it makes me look dapper,” Hondo told his daughter.
It didn’t make him look dapper. It made him look homicidal. But perhaps that was what Discord was going for.
It wasn’t until the third day of Discord’s rise in fame that Rarity realized that this had been going on far too long to be a joke, even for Discord. Ponies really liked him. The question was why? Brainwashing? Hypnotism? Did he put something in the water?
This was way above Rarity’s Element. She needed help.
“Twilight, darling, I really need to talk to you.”
“Is it about Discord?” the lilac unicorn asked. She turned the page. If anyone could read five books and still have a cognizant conversation with somepony, it was Twilight Sparkle.
“Yes,” Rarity said. “How did you know?”
“Geez, Rarity, I read more than just books,” Twilight Sparkle said, magicking a newspaper with Discord’s ecstatic face up without looking away from her book. “Plus he invited me to his fashion show tonight.”
“A fashion show?! Tonight?” Rarity pouted. It took her years before anyone recognized her enough to get a fashion show. “Don’t you find this highly suspicious of Discord? I think he’s up to something.”
“Could it be that he actually found a hobby that he enjoys?” Twilight said, switching to another book before making notes on a parchment.
“No. There’s absolutely no reason for Discord to take an interest in fashion!” Rarity insisted.
“Are you saying that because you honestly think Discord is up to something, or could it be you are jealous of all the attention he is getting?” Twilight asked. She finally looked away from her books to give her friend an arched eyebrow.
Rarity frowned. “I’m not jealous. If you want proof that Discord is up to something, take a look at what he’s forcing the princesses to wear.” She shoved a magazine into Twilight’s nose.
Twilight’s eyes scrutinized the large, colorful picture, taking in Celestia and Luna’s original Discord dresses. “It doesn’t look like he’s forcing them to wear anything. Luna may look a little skeptical, but Celestia appears to find the dresses quite funny.” Twilight returned the magazine. “Princess Celestia loves a good joke as much as anypony. If she seems fine with it, then I’m not worried.”
“A-a joke? You think these monstrosities are a joke?”
“Rarity, I know you’re all worked up about this because fashion is your thing. I get it. If Discord decided to open up his own book store or start handing out friendship advice here and there, I would probably be right where you are.” Twilight stopped and stared at a spot on her wall as she imagined her own personal nightmare. She shivered. “But you know fashion more than anypony I know. Trends come and go so quickly, they hardly make a dent in the history of style, especially what Discord has to offer. More than likely, ponies are fascinated and giving into the hype, but soon something else will catch their attention and Discord will get bored of this whole debacle.”
Rarity blinked at the advice. “You’re…right. Ponies are fickle. Something new will arise, and they’ll move on. It’s really quite brutal if you aren’t prepared. Poor Discord.” She felt more optimistic about the future. “I hope dear Fluttershy will be there to comfort him when things go downhill.”
“You sound way too happy about that,” Twilight said with a frown, then she returned to her books. “I’ll see you tonight, right?”
“Oh, I’m far too busy to go to one of Discord’s things, darling,” Rarity said. “I want to work on my newest line of dresses. Once Discord’s fame wears off, somepony will have to pick up the slack.”
“So you’re not going to support Sweetie Belle?”
“Sweetie Belle?”
“Do you not know? She’s the showcase model of the evening.”
“What? When did this happen? How could he turn my own sister against me?” She flung herself to the floor in a dramatic faint.
Twilight carefully turned another page. “Not everything is about you.”
***
Despite her protests, Rarity went with her friends to see the show. Not only would it be bad form to snuff her nose at Discord’s success—well, more than she already had—but she was there to support her sister. It was a crowded affair, using the largest venue Ponyville had to offer. Rarity recognized fashion experts, critiques and writers from all over Equestria. Everypony who was anypony was there.
And the minority of the ponies wore something other than Discord’s clothing line. Rarity knew this and refused to give into popularity this one time and didn’t go buy something the draconequus concocted. Instead, she invented her most fashion forward dress, something that was inspired by the singer: Lady Chacha.
As for her friends, Fluttershy wore a Discord original, a sun hat with a tea kettle on top that occasionally shrilled as steam billowed out. Every time this happened, she would blush and duck her head. Pinky Pie also sported a dress from Discord’s line, but by the time they sat down, she had consumed the whole thing.
Clones of Discord were marching up and down the aisles. Some wore tuxedoes and helped ponies find their seats with bright flashlights which they shone in everypony’s eyes. Other clones wore clothes similar to Flim and Flam’s uniform and shouted, “Peanuts, popcorn, cotton candy, dresses, hats, bowties.” Ponies lined up to get refreshments and clothing all in one go. Pinky Pie bought several dresses and a pack load of snacks. She started on the sleeve of one.
Rainbow Dash bought a hat and popcorn.
“I’ve been trying to get you interested in fashion for years. Why?” Rarity hissed at the turquoise pegasus.
Rainbow threw a kernel up into the air and caught it. “This isn’t fashion. This is a trendy prank. A stylish joke. As a fellow artist in this medium, I can appreciate his tact.”
Rarity sighed.
Then the show started. It was unlike anything she had ever seen. The spotlight flickered in a strobe, sending a stallion in the back into a fit of seizers. An ambulance team, which had been strategically placed at the exit, loaded him on a stretcher and carried him out. Monkeys crawled out of holes in the floor and threw food at the audience. A contortionist performed a sort of interpretive dance behind a sheer curtain. No music played, and the lack of background noise made the atmosphere eerie.
Then the models came out with Sweetie Belle in the lead. Unlike the decorum Rarity was used to models displaying—sultry eyes, pouty lips and perfect posture—these models had their mouths stretched out to the sides as if something were pulling them. Their eyes were wide open as if startled. Their makeup was garish, their manes in radical styles that defied gravity, and they shuffled more than sashayed. Only Sweetie Belle’s grin seemed true, and she bounded as if she were in a bouncy house.
And the clothing was beyond words. Literally. Whenever a pony tried to say anything about what the models wore, strange sounds and gibberish came out their mouths.
“What has he done?” Rarity whispered, feeling as if this was the beginning of Armageddon.
And yet when it was all over, he received a standing ovation.
“Those were sure good,” Pinky Pie said, finishing her last dress.
Rarity found the nearest trash can and threw up. She wasn’t the only pony to do so.
***
Sixteen ponies were hospitalized due to watching Discord’s fashion show with a variety of maladies including nausea, headaches, seizures, stomach issues, hydration, hydrophobia, hypochondriacism, cabin fever, leprosy, mad zombie disease, cutie pox, head pigeons, narcolepsy, mad cow disease, pink eye, Pinky Pie eye, double vision, dysentery, diabetes, the plague (green, black, white and fuchsia), and death, but everypony completely recovered and agreed that the party was a success.
All except Rarity. She still had a bad feeling about Discord’s new hobby, and it wasn’t just because she heaved the contents of her stomach all night long. Once she had rested and her organs functioned properly, she decided to pay Discord a visit. He needed to see reason for once, even if she had to shove reason down his throat.
His shop was just as busy as ever, but that didn’t bother Discord. When Rarity asked to speak to him in private, he just peeled in two and said he was going on break.
“Discord, I have many…er…reserves about your business venture and what it means for all of Equestria,” Rarity began, realizing she hadn’t thought her speech all the way through. In her mind, it consisted of a lot of shouting and throwing objects, but now she thought a more diplomatic approach was more appropriate.
“Oh, don’t you think Discordtopia is doing as well as it should?” the draconequus asked, looking a little worried. “Business seems to have gone down a bit.”
Rarity pouted, feeling as if salt were being rubbed into her wounds. She would kill to have this kind of traffic in her boutique. But she thought of poise and chiffon fabrics to calm herself down before continuing. “It’s more than that. You’re new to fashion, so I don’t think you realize the impact of your influence on ponies. While your own fad is quite…unique, perhaps its best to stop now while the damage is minimal.”
“Damage? Oh, Rarity, you make it sound like style and vogue could harm me,” Discord said, taking her speech erroneously. “I’m the Lord of Chaos. I doubt glitz and glam could ever change me. Even though I’m famous, I’m still the same old Discord. I’ll never change.”
A plan started to form in Rarity’s mind. “Oh, it’s not that fame that will change you. It’s the ride down that will,” Rarity said, taking on a worried expression. “Believe me, I’ve seen it happen. Ponies think that they’re the next Hoity Toity and they’re rising all the way to Canterlot, then they get one bad review and they fall from their pedestal.”
“Bad reviews?” Discord asked, frowning. “But I shouldn’t be worried. I’ve been getting five star reviews all day long.”
“Oh, of course you are. You’re new,” Rarity said, touching his shoulder. “But for how long? But I’m sure it won’t happen to you. After all, you probably have new styles and trends for your fall line all ready, and designing your winter wardrobes at this moment. After all, nothing is worse than a designer who comes out with the same old song over and over again.”
“Fall line? Winter?” Discord repeated, looking worried.
“Oh, and spring. That is my favorite. I’m sure when spring comes around, you’ll have something different than these…er…what do you call these?” Rarity touched something that melted into a puddle of slick oil. She gave Discord a beaming smile.
“Oh. I didn’t realize how much…work goes into fashion,” Discord said morosely. “To be honest, I haven’t planned that far ahead.”
Rarity gasped. “You haven’t? Oh, dear. Then what am I doing wasting your time. You must create. I’ll lend you some of my magazines to show the latest trends and some of my favorite fabric samples. Is a couple of hundred too few? You must show me which colors you are going with. What do you think of argyle?”
The white unicorn could see the draconequus get more and more uncomfortable the more she talked. Relief pumped through her veins.
“Hmmm, Rarity, thank you for being such a good friend. I believe that you have just saved me from a life-time of drudgery and servitude. I have decided to quit the fashion industry,” Discord announced with a grin.
“What?!” Rarity faked surprise. “After all that you’ve done, you’re going to quit?”
“Yes,” Discord said, folding his arms and nodding definitely. “No, don’t talk me out of it Rarity. I know how much you look up to me, but I must insist. The Lord of Chaos wasn’t meant to be a master of one category all his days.”
“Look up to you?”
“But I can’t just give up on fashion right this moment. No, I need to go out in a blaze of glory. It needs to be something stupendous. Something nopony has ever seen before. Something to make ponies talk about for eons to come,” Discord ranted, gazing up at the ceiling.
While Rarity was happy that she had somehow convinced Discord to amicably give up on fashion, she didn’t like where this conversation was going. What the draconequus had already done may irrevocably cripple the clothing industry—and perhaps several other businesses—for years to come.
“Yes! Oh, the gods of style have smiled upon me today. It’s brilliant!”
“What is?” Rarity asked, fear spreading through her nerves.
“If I told you, it wouldn’t be a surprise,” Discord said, giving her a toothy smile. “Now, I must ask you to leave, sweet Rarity. If I am to have it ready to present in Canterlot next evening, I must have absolute peace and quiet.” He pushed her out the door and slammed it behind her. A cacophony of jungle noises screeched from behind his office just as she stepped away.
“How in Equestria did he get another fashion show?” Rarity muttered to herself, passing by a few shoppers who were wrestling their new outfits into submission.
***
The next day, Rarity jumped onto the train to Canterlot with Fluttershy. Twilight feigned busy work, Apple Jack had actual work to do, Rainbow Dash said she couldn’t go through that again until her equilibrium returned, and Pinky Pie was waiting for a pancreas transplant but requested them to bring her back some more clothes, preferably in different flavors. Rarity went because someone with their sanity intact had to witness the train wreck just to say “I told you so.”
When they arrived at the venue, it was completely opposite of Discord’s first show. Instead of a macabre motif, the stage was decorated in a tasteful silver and white palette with highlights of metallic pinks and purples. The lights were bright but not over bearing, and there was only one Discord.
“What just happened here?” Rarity asked, paranoid eyes darting all around. “Where’s the floating object? The explosions? The asinine animals?”
“Oh, there’s our seats,” Fluttershy said with a smile, pointing to a pair of padded chairs with signs that said “Discord’s Guests.”
Rarity timidly sat, waiting for the other horseshoe to drop.
Eventually, the houselights dimmed, and the audience quieted down. Discord, dressed in a golden tux, walked on stage, a microphone in paw.
“Good evening mares and gentlecolts. Thank you for coming to this momentous show featuring my finest works. Before we begin, I have an important announcement. After tonight, the shining star that has risen which I have called Discordtopia will be closing.”
Gasps and whispers rippled through the crowd; a stallion sitting near Rarity started to cry.
“We love you Discord,” a young voice called from the back. “Don’t leave us.”
“Now, now. Do not feel sorry for me. I have other dreams, other ambitions that I wish to pursue. It is my time, time for me to move on and allow new, young talent to replace me. I chose to retire before my glory burned out.” Through his speech, he used dramatic, exaggerated gestures to show his pain and reluctance to leave. “Before I go, I have finished my magnum opus, my greatest works. It is genius. It is pure, unadulterated ecstasy. Sweet ponies, if the phrase ‘Less is more’ is true, then I proclaim, ‘Nothing is Everything!’ May I present to you, Non-Fabric Clothing.” He ended with his arms in the air, then the spotlight went dark.
When the houselights turned on again and pop music bounced through speakers, models sashayed onto the catwalk, poised and shimmering with glitter. Their make-up was immaculate, their manes and tails perfectly coiffed, and there wasn’t a stitch of clothing on them.
“So avant garde.”
“How daring.”
“C'est magnifique.”
“Brilliant.”
“I must order that one.”
The compliments poured off of tongues.
Rarity gesticulated at the stage with both hooves. “But they’re naked!” she shouted at the top of her lungs.
The models paused, turning frosty glares her way. The audience was less forgiving.
“How crude!”
“The audacity.”
“Blind.”
Rarity blushed so much, her coat turned pink from nose to tail. She kept her head down for the rest of the show, not making eye-contact with anypony.
“To think, I’ve been fashion forward all my life,” Fluttershy said with a giggle.
***
Worried that her outburst would tarnish her reputation, Rarity kept to herself the next day. However, when she opened her shop’s door the day after, ponies entered with cheerful smiles and wearing clothing not at all resembling Discord’s ensembles. When Rarity checked the latest newspapers and magazines, there was no mention of Discord, not even on the last page.
It was as if Discordtopia had ever happened.
Twilight Sparkle was right: trends come and go so quickly, they might as well be made of ice.
However, that was not the end of Discord. An hour before closing, he appeared inside Rarity’s boutique with several dozen empty hangers on a rack.
“Rarity, darling, it’s so good to see you.” Discord grabbed her face, kissed both of her cheeks, then gave her a long one on the lips.
“Ack! No, my pure lips,” Rarity gasped once she was released.
“I hope you don’t mind, Rarity darling, but I’ve brought the last of my stock in the hopes you would finish selling them for me.”
Rarity tilted her head at the empty hangers. “Of…course.”
“I don’t see how you do it, Rarity. The demands and keeping up with what’s hot and what’s not. It’s always go, go, go. I feel as if a thousand years have been taken from my life. See these wrinkles and gray hairs.”
“You worked for only a week,” Rarity said, deadpan.
“And what a week it was. And I assure you, I will never, ever do it again.” Discord frowned a frown that was worthy of Cranky Doodle Donkey.
Rarity sighed. The crisis was over. “It was a wise choice, Discord. And I can promise you that the fashion world will never forget your creations. I know I can’t.” She shuddered.
“Oh, and I have one more thing for you. I have also come to return your sister. Thank you for letting me borrow her.” A fancy purse appeared at his shoulder, and a Pomeranian head popped out followed by Sweetie Belle.
“Hi, Rarity,” she squealed, then hopped out. “Thanks for letting me be a model, Discord.”
“Any time, my little muse,” Discord said.
Rarity was magicking the hangers into the back when she noticed something on Sweetie Belle’s flank. “Sweetie Belle! What is that?! Did you get your cutie mark?” She took a closer look at it, seeing that it was a silhouette of a pony striking a pose.
“No. Discord let me get a tattoo!” Sweetie Belle said with a smile.
“A…a…ta…” Rarity fainted.
Sweetie Belle poked her sister. “Perhaps I should have mentioned it’s a temporary one.”
Discord nodded. “Yes, in cases of permanent body art, always lie.”
“What?!”
Author's Note
I hope you enjoyed this parody. You may have a few questions like: Do I plan to rewrite more episodes in this manner? and Which episode will I spoof next? Well, I would like to write more, and I really want to. I don't have any plans for a specific episode. Which is where you wonderful readers come in. Please suggest an episode that you would like "Discordified" and I will take them into consideration. If nopony responds, well...there is a random number generator which I will be utilizing. Thank you for reading, and I hope to see you next episode. Bye!
When Pinky Pie saw that the Cakes’ cake resembled the remains of a cute-ceñera confection table, she screamed. Her voice, loud and shrill, didn’t just echo through the train to Canterlot; it traveled through space and time, past nebulas, quarks, black holes, quantum time zones, ozones, twilight zones, end zones, and even came across some left socks that disappeared from Brittney Spear’s washing machine. Her voice carried farther than any voice had ever gone before.
And reached the goat-like ears of a particular draconequus that had just finished having tea with Fluttershy and returned to his home in the Chaos Dimension.
“Hark, someone needs help,” Discord said, hearing the scream of one of his friends, but not the most current version of her. Somewhere, he was needed before he was available.
“Scotty, beam me down,” Discord told his communication device and then phased out.
***
At the sound of their destressed friend and fellow traveler, the other ponies plus a mule and griffin rushed out of their rooms in the other cars, finding the pink pony crying over the three-tiered cake.
“What is it?” Apple Jack asked.
“What happened?” Rainbow Dash cried out.
“It's the Marzipan Mascarpone Meringue Madness, it's been mutilated!” Pinky looked ready to do unto others as they had done unto the cake but a figure started appearing amidst the ponies in the train car.
He wore a blue and black shirt with a strange symbol on the breast.
“Hmmmm,” Discord said, calmly surveying the scene. Then he spoke into his communicator. “Not all of me arrived, Scotty. Shotty work.” A yellow eyeball, a red dragon’s tail and a heart—still beating—materialized on the floor just as Discord had. “Thank you.” He picked up the missing pieces and returned them where they belonged.
The griffin swore, but luckily it was in French, so it went over the heads of any young audience members.
“Discord?!” Twilight Sparkle shouted, crouching in a defensive position. “How did you get free?”
“Yeah, we turned you into a statue months ago,” Rainbow Dash added.
“Resistance is futile,” Discord demanded.
Everypony rallied behind Twilight Sparkle. Her horn began to glow as she prepared a spell.
“Wait, that’s the wrong phrase,” Discord said, tapping his forehead. “I meant to say, Live long and prosper.”
“Huh?”
“Put down that horn, Twilight. I’m reformed. Well, reformed and from the future,” Discord replied with a sly grin.
“Ah don’t believe it fer a second,” Apple Jack said, pounding her hoof.
“If you don’t believe me, at least believe Fluttershy. Future Fluttershy, that is. Here’s my letter of reference, a photo of us together, our friendship bracelets, our friendship necklaces—see how the heart is broken. Fluttershy has the other half—and my own pet, which she helped me pick out.” He pulled out each of these items from a briefcase he made appear, the last being a platypus.
Everypony turned to Fluttershy.
“Well, that is my signature…”
“Then it’s settled. I’m here to stay. At least, until my mission is complete.” The briefcase disappeared. The platypus remained, crawling between legs.
“What mission?” Twilight Sparkle asked, still skeptical.
“Why, the mystery of who ate the cake?” Discord said, showing the evidence. “Pinky Pie’s distress called me through time and space and brought me here, although I ran into a blue police box on the way.”
“Time travel? If that’s true, I don’t think this is a good idea. I know this from experience,” Twilight said, recalling her little incident. “Perhaps you should leave. I think we’re capable of handling this little mystery.”
“Oh, you would think so, wouldn’t you?” Discord countered. “That’s because you didn’t see the end result of this mess. Believe me, you want me here. Prime directive and all that.”
“Why? What happened?” Twilight Sparkle looked worried but laughed a bit. “I mean, it’s cake. What could possible go wrong?”
“You don’t want to know,” Discord added darkly.
Everyone shuddered. Cake was serious business.
“Okay, fine. Let’s get this over with,” Twilight Sparkle said, rolling her eyes. “You solve the mystery, and then you can go back where you came from.”
“Oh, not I, my dear Twilight. I won’t be the one solving the mystery,” Discord said, putting his nose in the air.
“Huh, but you—“
“Elementary, my dear Twilight,” Discord said, a deerstalker hat appearing on his head. “You, of all ponies, should know that having a draconequus solve a mystery is preposterous. Have you ever read a mystery with a discombobulated protagonist?”
“Uh…no…”
“Exactly.”
“If you aren’t solving the mystery, who is? And why are you here?” Twilight was losing her temper. The other ponies were losing their interesting in the situation, except for Pinky Pie, who listened adamantly.
“If anyone is solving a mystery around here, it should be a little old lady,” Discord stated.
Snap
Granny Smith appeared.
“Gol fang this medication is makin’ me hal-lucy-nate ah-gain.”
“With a cat,” Discord added.
Snap
Opalescence fell from the ceiling, landing on her feet with claws out and fur ruffled, then ran in circles, over seats and ponies, flying over the deserts until she stopped in the middle of the crowd to wash her tail as if nothing had happened.
“And she should have OCD and psychic abilities.”
Snap
“Oh, my…This here hotel is filthy. Apple Jack, start cleanin’!”
“Uh…Granny.”
“Don’t you sass me! Scoot.”
“Yes, Granny.”
“Now, I’s a sense that one o’ ya’ll is gonna die soon. My bet is it gonna be the tall one with the funny-looking glasses.”
No pony wore glasses. Everypony sighed with relief.
“Oh, and there should be a romantic interest to help when the plot lags.”
Snap
When the large, muscular, red work horse appeared, more than one voice said, “Ewwwwww.”
“What? You have a problem with cougars?” Discord defended. “I bet if it were an old stallion with a young mare—“
“That’s mah brother!”
“Oh! Really? You ponies all look the same except different colors.”
Snap
Big Mac disappeared, replaced by a white stallion with a blue mane.
“Shining Armor!”
“Twily?”
“You know him?” Everypony looked to Twilight.
“He’s my big brother.”
“You have a brother?”
“Yes, he’s a—“
“Nuh-uh,” Discord interrupted, shoving his chicken claws in Twilight’s mouth. “I know you have this whole song and dance number about it, but it’s not happening. Save it, sister.”
Granny Smith eyed Shining Armor. “Hubba hubba. This ha-lucy-nation is better than the one where ah become an ally-corn.”
Shining Armor whinnied worriedly.
Somepony shuddered at the imagine.
Twilight could feel a headache coming. “Discord, what does all this have to do with who ate the cake?”
“I’m setting up the scene, dear Twilight. You, of all ponies, should appreciate the proper way a story is told.”
“Well…yeah. But is all of this necessary?”
“Yes.”
“Even the pineapple?”
Everypony turned to the two-hundred pound pineapple sitting at the rear of the train car. It waved at them and turned a page of its newspaper.
“Absolutely.”
“Fine,” Twilight relented. “Are you done with setting up?”
“Yes, but only because the Mystery Machine is copy-written, which I find a crime in itself since it would have added to the alliteration.”
“MMMM,” Pinky Pie said sadly, gazing at the cake.
“Exactly.” Discord took off his deerstalker and placed it on Granny Smith’s head. “Go ahead, grandma. Do your thing.”
“Uh…Am I supposed to help or something?” Shining Armor asked.
“No. Just stand there and look pretty. You’re just eye candy.”
Shining snorted indignantly. He didn’t go into the royal guard service to be eye candy. Well…maybe a little.
“What am I doin’ ah-gain?” Granny asked as the deerstalker plopped over her eyes.
“Solve the mystery of the masticated cake,” Discord said, turning the elderly pony in the right direction.
“Ah can’t have cake. Mah doctor saez sugar will kill me,” Granny complained.
“As will everything else at your age, but we must continue on,” Discord said, magicking a magnifying glass and holding it up to Granny’s face. “Now you must look for clues, gather the suspects, and try not to get murdered.”
“What?”
“Nothing.”
Twilight grumbled. “Oh, forget this. Pinky, come with me.” She had to pull on her friend’s tail to get her to move.
“Hmmm,” Granny said, eyeing the cake. “Somethin’ is wrong with this dee-sert.”
“Are you sure it’s not a cataract?” Discord asked.
“Perty sure.”
“What’s wrong with it?”
“Somepony has done taken a bite out o’ it.”
By that time, even Discord was rethinking that this plan wasn’t working out as well as he thought.
“I know who the suspect is!” Twilight announced, bursting in from one of the other train cars, followed by Pinky Pie. “Or rather…suspects.”
“You mean more than one pony committed the crime?” Pinky Pie gasped. “How dare you. All of you. For attacking a poor, innocent cake.”
“Not everyone is guilty, Pinky,” Twilight said, pushing the irate earth pony away. “Just three.”
A few ponies shifted in their guilty hooves.
“First, I found…”
“Yes, yes, let’s get this last part over with. I’ve seen it before,” Discord pushed in. “You found a blue feather, which obviously belongs to Rainbow Dash.”
“I-I don’t even like cake,” Rainbow Dash said, looking around nervously.
Discord continued, “And you found a set of fake eye-lashes which obviously belong to Rarity, blah, blah, blah.”
Rarity hid behind her mane. “Those could belong to anypony.”
“How is this even a thing?” Discord said, pushing aside Rarity’s hair to show her right eye sans eye-lashes. “I mean, do you pluck them or did you lose them in an accident? What happened?”
Rarity, looking flustered under the interrogation, broke down crying and ran away.
“That always seems to work for her, doesn’t it?” Discord observed. “Welp, that’s everything. Good job, everypony. We found the culprits. Time to go home. Wow, is this train slow? Isn’t Canterlot, literally, just next door to Ponyville?”
“Wait just a moment, Discord,” Twilight said. “I found one more piece of evidence pointing to a third cake-eater. It just so happens to be a hair the color of—“
Fluttershy looked nervous. She bit her lip.
“Now hold on just a second,” Discord said, plucking the long, pink hair out of Twilight’s levitation spell. “Before you start accusing ponies because of the color of their mane, let’s have this analyzed to be sure.”
Snap
A large machine filled up most of the remaining space in the train car.
“Behold, the spectro-ectum-nuclear-anti-ecto-izer. It’ll narrow down the last suspect with DNA in only a few seconds,” Discord announced.
“That doesn’t sound scientifically possible,” Twilight criticized.
“Oh, it totally is,” Discord defended, putting the hair in the machine. “Computer, analyze. And fire photon torpedoes, just in case.”
The computer beeped and bopped for a few seconds before printing out a piece of paper. Something exploded in the distance.
Discord ripped away the paper and read the results. “Aha, as I suspected. This strand of hair belonged to somepony we would never have suspected.”
Snap
The large machine disappeared.
“Who?” Twilight Sparkle demanded.
“If we had jumped to conclusions based on mane color, we would have suspected the wrong mare,” Discord said, pacing around the train car.
“But it’s pink,” Twilight Sparkle said, her eyes falling on Fluttershy. “There’s only one pony here with a pinky mane.”
“That’s what she wanted you to think,” Discord said, looking triumphant. He marched over to the door leading to the next train car. “But she didn’t count on me being here. Our third suspect is none other than…” He threw open the door. “…Princess Celestia!”
Celestia was indeed on the other side of the door, looking bewildered. Her mane was askew as if she had been forced onto the train, and cake and icing splattered her face and coat, as if somepony had shoved the desert in her face.
“Cake stealer!” Pinky Pie shouted, pointing at the princess of the sun.
“What is going on here?” Princess Celestia said, stumbling toward Twilight Sparkle. “Why am I so sticky? Twilight, where am I? I was in the castle a while ago.”
Three clones of Discord appeared, all dressed in police uniforms, one with a long, handle-bar mustache and a sheriff’s badge. Sheriff Discord asked, “You want me to throw this one in the clink?”
“Make it so,” Discord said with a nod.
“What?!” Celestia screamed as Sheriff Discord cuffed her forelegs behind her back. “Discord, have you been messing with the time continuum again?! You better let me go. I didn’t steal any cake. I’m innocent. Discord!”
“So I guess those rumors about Celestia and cake ARE true,” Pinky Pie said. “The cake IS a lie.”
Twilight Sparkle glared at Discord. “Let her go. I’m pretty sure you framed her.”
“Oh, then how about we ask her accomplice?” Discord wondered, turning to Rainbow Dash. “If you tell the truth, you won’t suffer the same fate.”
Rainbow Dash felt sweat running down her face. “You know, now that I think about it, I’m sure I saw a…alicorn…ish…shape around the same time I took a bite out of the cake.”
“There you go,” Discord said, giving Twilight a big grin. “Case solved. Disaster averted. And best of all, no innocent ponies were accused in the process.” He gave Fluttershy a slow, exaggerated wink.
Fluttershy smiled nervously and slowly backed away.
At that exact moment, the train pulled into Canterlot station. The pineapple exited first, whistled. Discord’s platypus gnawed on Apple Jack’s tail.
“Well, it’s my stop. I must get off,” Discord said, saluting. He opened his communicator. “Beam me up, Scotty. And don’t leave anything behind.”
As Discord disappeared, the three other bakers slowly tip-toed away with their confection creations, glad to be away from this insane asylum called the Friendship Express.
***
Discord zapped back to the Chaos Dimension, feeling quite smug. After all, one of the things Fluttershy regretted from her past was lying and deceiving Pinky Pie after taking a bite of the cake. She claimed it was selfish and debase of her to give into temptation, but really it was Pinky Pie’s fault. How was a pony to react to cake seduction?
“I’m going to check up on Fluttershy,” Discord said with glee. “Now that she doesn’t have that black mark on her permanent record of cake stealing, she must be quite grateful.”
As he zapped to Fluttershy’s treehouse, he didn’t notice how quiet it was. If he looked around, he might have noticed how the leaves weren’t as green, that the grass was dead surrounding the tree, and there were no animals frolicking or napping or any animals at all.
He knocked on the door. When there was no answer, he opened the door, peeking in. “Fluttershy? Are you home?”
All the shutters were closed; darkness blanketing the house. Something creaked, and a shadow scampered from one side of the room to the other.
“Did I forget that today is Nightmare Night?” Discord asked the empty space, coming farther in. He knew that he should be afraid, or at least concerned about everything, but it just didn’t feel right.
“Dissssssssscorrrrrrrrrd,” a voice hissed.
“Fluttershy? Are you okay? You’re not hurt are you?” Discord stepped all the way in. The door slammed behind him.
“Dissssscorrrrrrrd,” the voice hissed again, closer this time.
Snap
Discord summoned a flashlight, turned it on, and found Fluttershy standing uncomfortably close to him, her mane covering her face. Her wings had feathers askew, her coat was dirty, and her mane and tail were covered in cobwebs. He was aware that the house smelled of sour milk and something burning.
“Oh, there you are Fluttershy,” he said, trying to ignore the smell and the state Fluttershy was in. “Um…did you redecorate?”
“I did,” Fluttershy said, her voice muffled under her mane. “I did it for you.”
He scanned the room with the flashlight. Written in red paint—at least he hoped it was red paint—and scratchy, bold letters, words covered the walls, saying, “LIES,” “YOU LIED FOR ME,” “MY LIFE IS A LIE,” and “THE CAKE IS ALL A LIE.”
“Ooooooh. I did not expect this,” Discord said, realizing that perhaps messing with time might be a bad idea.
Fluttershy’s neck twisted as if she were trying to pop the joints. She leaned back, her mane brushing out of her face. Red paint—again, he hoped it was red paint—was splattered across her face. Around her eyes, dark circles sunk into the sockets, her pupils and irises shrunk to almost nothing.
She smiled. “I’m glad you’re back.”
“Nope,” Discord said, turning around and trying the door. It was locked. Worse, something stopped him from using his magic.
“Sssssstay, Dissssscorrrrrrd,” Fluttershy hissed, raising a hoof. She held Angel. He was also splattered with…nope, that wasn’t red paint. “You need to keep all my liesssssss.”
Discord screamed. Celestia was right. He shouldn’t have messed with the time continuum.
Author's Note
(Author's note: This episode was chosen through a random number generator. I actually contemplated trying again for a better episode, but I thought things through. I'm glad I kept this episode, because this one turned out...very interesting. If you want to suggest an episode for Discord to "fix," suggest away. The next episode will be "fixing" is "The Cutie Map." See you then.)
