Great Battles in Equestrian History

by Naughty_Ranko

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Starswirl the Bearded, Princess Celestia, Anthology, Twilight Sparkle, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, My Little Pony: A New Generation, Other
Length: 12495

A look at the most important battles in the history of Equestria ... and some of the less important ones, too.

Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it. While Equestria has been a land of peace and harmony for much of its history, it has also seen its fair share of battles.

This anthology of past battles aims to give the reader an unbiased view and historic perspective of some of the most pivotal moments in Equestrian military history as well as a view into the minds of the most brilliant and eccentric commanders of their time.

These are their stories.

Published 2020-11-08 15:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2021-10-14 16:21:58 UTC

12 BCE - The First Battle of Canterlot

(for the more recent Changeling invasion of 1002 AD, see 37th Battle of Canterlot)

Part of the Teen Wars

Date: 12 BCE
Location: Canterlot Castle Kitchen

Belligerents:
· Old Solar Empire / Servant Auxiliary
· Old Lunar Republic / Kitchen Staff in Exile

Commanders and Leaders:
· Princess Celestia Solaris / Chief Maid Head Band
· Princess Luna Selene / Head Chef Cream Puff

Strategic Background

Solar and Lunar forces had been in an uneasy détente after the cold war had nearly turned hot during the Library Crisis a month earlier. After the Solar Empire had added its collection of romance novels to the shelves unilaterally, the Lunar Republic demanded the right to also add their Neighponese collection which the Solar Empire refused on the grounds of “manga not being real literature” which the Lunar Republic countered by saying that they are “culturally significant and visual storytelling being underrepresented in the Library territory.”

Solar forces had dug in at a quickly constructed book fort, and Lunar forces were gearing up for an attack. However, Starswirlian intervention had come in the nick of time as the opposing sides agreed to arbitration. As a result of the Conference at Aisle 3, the Library territory became a demilitarized zone as the 1st Swirlian Protectorate, mandating that all books there were to be exclusively dedicated to study and any and all entertainment literature was to be kept in the private chambers of the princesses. While both sides accepted the Swirlian verdict, neither was very happy with it, causing Starswirl the Bearded to remark: “When everyone is equally unhappy, that’s the hallmark of a good compromise.”

Prelude

Relations between the Solar Empire and Lunar Republic had actually been showing improvement prior to the battle, with both sides agreeing to work together and bake a birthday cake for Starswirl the Bearded under the supervision of Head Chef Cream Puff, then leader of the neutral Kitchen Kingdom.

However, Starswirl had been called away and was thus away on campaign during his birthday. (We suspect the reader is familiar with the First Pillar Campaign against the Sirens, so we won’t go into details here.)

Due to this circumstance, the Teen Wars turned hot over breakfast two days after Starswirl’s birthday. Princess Celestia, pushing her oatmeal cereal aside, declared that they “ought to eat the cake before it goes stale.” Princess Luna immediately disagreed, saying that the cake was their mentor’s and would be waiting for him upon his return. The Solar Empire changed tracks, claiming alternately that they “just wanted to try a slice to see if it was still good” or “we can just make a new one when the time comes.” Neither argument moved the Lunar Republic, and diplomatic relations broke down when the Republic issued a declaration guaranteeing the sovereignty of the Kitchen Kingdom and that any encroachment by Solar forces on the sovereign territory constituted an act of war. All neutral observers to the conference later unanimously declared that “Celestia just wanted to eat cake.”

What followed has been hotly debated by historians friendly to either side as Philomena the Phoenix invaded Kitchen airspace undetected, settling near a frying pan and causing a small grease fire which prompted the kitchen staff to evacuate the area. While the Solar Empire maintains that the First Phoenix Scouting Squadron was never given an order to attack and that “Philomena simply has a head of her own,” the Lunar Republic has always seen it as a “blatant false flag operation.” Whatever the truth may be, Solar Forces certainly didn’t waste the opportunity as Princess Celestia marched into the neutral territory at the head of a Servant Militia under the pretense of disaster relief. (The fire was put out quickly.)

The Solar Empire annexed the kitchen minutes later and set to work building fortifications. What caused the notoriously fickle Servant Auxiliary to side with the Empire during the conflict remains a mystery. However, it has been speculated that Princess Luna’s propensity for nightly excursions which resulted in muddy hoofprints in the halls that needed cleaning up each morning and her habit of snarling at maids who wanted to clean her room as she slept during the day may have played a part.

The dining area became a refugee camp as the Lunar Republic took in the Kitchen citizens. The Kitchen Staff in Exile declared their support for the Republic and Princess Luna addressed the nation with the words: “This atrocity will not stand!” Thankfully, the birthday cake remained securely in a locked cabinet of the kitchen, the only key to which was being held by the leader of the Free Kitchen Forces, Head Chef Cream Puff, who added: “We shall go on to the end, we shall fight on the counters, we shall fight over the stoves, we shall fight in front of the ovens; We shall never surrender!”

The stage was set, and the Lunar Army marched to liberate the kitchen.

Battle

During the initial phase of the battle, Solar Forces held the distinct advantage. They were better supplied, having much more ammunition to expend as the rows of cupcakes to be thrown never seemed to end while Lunar artillery had to make do with the leftovers from breakfast. They were dug in in their fortifications behind the counters while the Lunar infantry had only one vector of entry. And most importantly, the Solar Empire had air superiority, at least for now. The initial skirmish saw the Lunar advance soundly turned back as the cooks were peppered with frosting shells that blinded them, and what little artillery support of mango and avocadoes was lopped at the Solar fortifications was intercepted by Philomena who dropped the ordnance back onto the attackers.

But victory remained elusive for Princess Celestia as the servants had to split their attention between defensive fire, mopping the floor of fruit shrapnel (a task to which they were uniquely suited and which gave them an advantage in mobility) to prevent slipping and trying to pry open the locked cabinet doors.

During a lull in the initial exchange, Princess Luna asked for volunteers in a bold strategy she had devised. A special task force was dispatched in a daring raid to the Solar Empire’s undefended home base. The Special Forces lost one pony on their way back as the youngest apprentice chef got turned around in the maze of castle corridors, but the rest made it back to the frontlines successfully, having retrieved a bag of Philomena’s favorite treats from Celestia’s room.

The First Phoenix Scouting Squadron was persona non grata for months at the Solar court after that, pending desertion charges. (The charges were later dropped and Philomena welcomed home.) But for the moment, the Lunar Republic had wrested air superiority from its opponent. The balance of power shifted significantly almost immediately.

Grimly pressing on against horrendous losses, the Kitchen Staff in Exile, having the homefield advantage, managed to capture the door to the pantry, allowing them to finally restock on ammunition. Celestia’s inability to recognize the pantry as a location of strategic importance and subsequent failure to fortify it has been seen as one of the main factors for the eventual outcome of the battle.

Luna ordered her troops to take up the lids of pots and lock them together as the line advanced in good order, leading to the first recorded use of a shield wall in battle since the phalanx had fallen out of favor in Ancient Pegasopolis.

At this point, Princess Celestia had lost all ability to command effectively as she shouted the words “traitor” at the Phoenix Squadron now hovering over the Lunar line in defiance and her cupcakes bouncing off pot lids. Chief Maid Head Band of the Servant Militia did what she could as the effort to open the cabinet with the cake was abandoned and a feather duster smoke screen was thrown up in a desperate attempt to hold the line. But at this point, victory seemed all but assured for the Lunar Republic.

It was then that the shout “Look to the East” could be heard. (History is unsure which side raised the alarm.) From the Eastern door and with a frown on his lined face, Starswirl the Bearded wandered onto the battlefield with the words: “What is going on here?” In the heat of battle, neither side checked their fire. Caught in the unexpected crossfire, tired and weary from his travels, the great sorcerer did not manage to conjure up a magic shield in time. Eyewitnesses later said that everything seemed to happen in slow motion as a cupcake projectile knocked off Starswirl’s hat, a cream pie hit him square in the face, blinding him and setting him stumbling, only to slip on a puddle of mango juice. The great wizard fell.

Both Celestia Solaris and Luna Selene immediately ordered their troops to cease fire as a shocked silence engulfed the battlefield. The First Battle of Canterlot was over.

Aftermath

After an emergency bath for Starswirl, both sides agreed to a ceasefire and an exchange of POWs under the condition that both sides helped equally in cleaning up the mess. When this was done, both armies were disbanded and the princesses sent to their rooms without dessert.

The very next day, Starswirl the Bearded laid down the law in what came to be known as the Treaty of Study Hall. The kitchen was returned to its citizens, but reformed as a semi-autonomous entity as the 2nd Swirlian Protectorate which would guarantee its independence on the condition of strict neutrality. The corridor between the kitchen and dining area was declared a demilitarized zone. However, both Cream Puff and Head Band were sharply reprimanded for pouring oil onto the fire and escalating the conflict. To their credit, both took full blame for the actions of their subordinates.

As far as the Princesses were concerned, both heads of state agreed to return to the status quo ante readily and war reparations were dictated as two essays to be written on the subject of “Why you shouldn’t waste food when there are foals starving in the world,” to which both sides also agreed, albeit with a bit more chagrin.

After both essays had been turned in, Starswirl finally thought to raise the question: “Now, what was all this about, anyway?” To that, both sides looked at each other sheepishly and remembered the locked cabinet which had completely been forgotten at that point.

Starswirl’s birthday cake was brought out by Head Band and Cream Puff working together side by side again and enjoyed by all. (It hadn’t gone stale.)

Result: Tactical Lunar Victory / Strategic Starswirlian Victory
Territorial Changes: Castle Kitchens declared a demilitarized zone under Starswirlian control as the 2nd Swirlian Protectorate

Casualties and losses:

· 1 inkwell
· 2 scrolls
· 100+ cupcakes, fruit and other food items expended as ammunition
· About two inches of Starswirl’s beard which had to be cut off due to the frosting not coming out (the whiskers have been laid to rest under a memorial plaque in the Canterlot Statue Garden)

Glossary

BCE – Before Chaos Emerges

AD – After Discord

Détente – the relaxation of strained relations, especially political, by verbal communication

Unilateral – undertaken or done by or on behalf of one side, party, or faction only; not mutual

False Flag Operation – an act committed with the intent of disguising the actual source of responsibility and pinning blame on a second party

POW – short for Prisoner of War

Status Quo Ante – the state of affairs existing prior to a given event

Author's Note

Full disclosure, I've tagged this as an anthology, but I have no idea if this will ever get more chapters. We'll see how it goes.

1001 AD - The Siege of District 7

Part of the Bureaucracy Wars

Date: Hearth’s Warming Eve 1001 AD

Location: Ponyville Post Office

Belligerents:

· Equestrian Royal Mail Service / Carousel Crusader Coalition
· Golden Oaks Expeditionary Force
· Ponyville Irregulars

Commanders and Leaders:

· Superintendent Lickety Split / Mailmare 1st Class Derpy Hooves / Knight Commander Rarity Belle
· Warlock Twilight Sparkle / Lance Corporal Spike Drake
· Mayor Mare / Ponyville Herd Mentality

Strategic Background

A posting in the Equestrian Royal Mail Service has always been considered an inglorious but vitally important job. Tasked with bringing civilization to natives, these outposts are islands of modernity in the remote reaches of the country where superstition and fear of change are commonplace. The brave mares and stallions who man these posts are forever surrounded by potentially hostile natives and other dangers.

They remain the vanguard of the Equestrian military in its far flung border regions to this day. It attracts a certain kind of soldier, those who want to get away from their past, those who are not physically capable of serving in other branches of the Equestrian military or those who simply cannot resist the often romanticized call to adventure. The work is fraught with danger and the pay is miserable, but these ponies remain at the forefront of any potential conflict.

One such outpost is Postal District 7, more commonly known as the greater Ponyville area. One might be forgiven for thinking that, given its proximity to Canterlot, the district is a far cushier posting than, say, Dodge Junction or Appleloosa. That might have even been accurate for a time. However, the arrival of then Warlock (not yet princess) Twilight Sparkle a year prior and the subsequent fortification of Golden Oaks as a full military base had severely shaken the region’s previous equilibrium, and it wouldn’t take much to topple it completely.

Prelude

Relations between District 7, Golden Oaks and the natives had been strained from the get-go. Citing outdated equipment, Warlock Sparkle began ordering new publications for the library in bulk almost immediately after she’d taken possession of the ancient base. (An archeological dig at the site is currently underway, digging up what is left after Tirek’s rampage. But the consensus among scholars is that Golden Oaks shows three distinct building phases, each linked to a different group occupying the site.)

This led to tensions with both other groups in the region. The Royal Mail saw vital supplies being diverted to a favorite of Princess Celestia Solaris while the indigenous ponies eyed the military build-up at this new fortress of knowledge with suspicion.

With Hearth’s Warming Eve around the corner, the Equestrian Royal Mail was already under severe pressure to keep up with greeting card and package sorties left and right. Imagine their consternation when the majority of their fighting force suddenly found themselves drafted in the pre-dawn hours of Hearth’s Warming Eve by Warlock Twilight Sparkle for a campaign of her own.

Superintendent Lickety Split found himself pleading with the Warlock to postpone the operation until after the current crisis had been resolved, but found his pleas falling on deaf ears, with Golden Oaks citing that “a delay could not be tolerated. It’s right here on my schedule, the times cross-referenced with the checklist. The winter shipment is coming.”

And Warlock Sparkle was no foal. She’d gotten Canterlot to sign off on ‘Operation Frost Dawn’ beforehoof, so the Equestrian Royal Mail was obliged to assist. With the amount of ponypower needed, the garrison at the Ponyville Post Office on Main Street was literally reduced to the last mare standing. That mare was Mailmare 1st Class Derpy Hooves who calmly manned her post in the face of overwhelming odds as the rest of the Equestrian Royal Mail Service moved out.

Battle

Through the cold morning mist, hoofsteps could be heard, sounding like war drums in the distance. Derpy Hooves flipped the sign at the door to “Open” with grim determination. The unorganized mob charged across the moat and was at the battlements almost immediately. More and more charged in as the morning progressed. Derpy Hooves soldiered on, the fighting motto of the Service on her lips: “Here you go, thank you. Next!” For each one dropping off or picking up a parcel, another three took their place.

Among them, an island of calm in the surging sea, was a certain Rarity Belle. Herself a native, she nonetheless had a regal bearing that set her apart from her peers, frowning yet not snapping at those who shoved and pushed as she made her way forward. Receiving a shipment of lace, she was the only one to utter a “thank you” to the lone defender of District 7 who gave her a nod and went on to pace the battlements from one pony to the next. It was clear that the center could not hold.

Her mane flowing in the chilly wind coming in through the double doors that was held open by the mass of ponies flowing through, Rarity Belle looked upon the battlefield, thinking for a moment that she could hear the whispers of Windigos on the breeze. Those were drowned out by increasingly irate shouts of ponies demanding to be served.

There is a longstanding myth of Lady Rarity being of the line of the Unicorn Kingdom, a direct descendant of Princess Platinum. While she herself has never claimed such and no records can prove that claim, it certainly would explain some of the more noble aspects of the Element of Generosity. “Sweetie Belle,” she said calmly to her young sister and squire, “go on home without me.”

Handing her own loot over to the filly, she scaled the battlements, stomped her hoof for attention and declared: “Anypony picking something up, that line!” She indicated Derpy’s position. “Everypony with something going out, over here!” Such was her commanding presence that the deluge of besiegers indeed split as she stood behind the counter and began stamping cards and packages in exchange for bits.

“This is not your battle,” Derpy Hooves declared, staring ahead grimly at her own task. “The paperwork will blot out the sky and blind you with the intensity of a thousand suns.”

Rarity, always prepared for a fashion emergency, produced a pair of sunglasses, put them on and grinned, uttering the immortal words: “Then we will fight with shades!”

Rarity did not see her sister flee the battlefield. If she had, she would have thought no less of her. A battle was no place for a filly, and although the number of defenders had doubled, prospects still looked bleak, until a new battle cry boomed across the field: “Cutie Mark Crusaders Postal Workers! Yay!”

Knight Commander Rarity’s chest swelled with pride as the three squires charged the battlements to help relieve the siege and saluted her. “Apple Bloom, help Derpy. Sweetie Belle, with me. Scootaloo, crowd control,” she barked her orders in a crisp, clear voice.

In that moment, the first knightly order since the Medieval Era was born, proving that even in modern times chivalry wasn’t dead. History has called them “The Knights of the Round Boutique” or the “Carousel Crusader Coalition,” the CCC for short. All they called themselves was “those helping out a friend.”

Over the course of the morning, the freshly knighted fillies grew into their roles. The Sweetie Support Company licked stamps and placed them on parcels hoofed over and addressed in Rarity’s beautiful hoofwriting. The Apple Artillery Corps bucked parcels towards those whose name Derpy Hooves called out, and the Scooter Cavalry sallied forth to keep the attackers in their corridors. It was a war of attrition, yet anytime one of the knights felt like they were losing heart, they looked to Derpy Hooves, the consummate professional who had chosen this duty and was pressing on with sheer pigheaded unwillingness to admit defeat. Before long, the Order adopted the fighting chant of the Equestrian Royal Mail: “Here you go, thank you. Next!”

The fighting went on past the scheduled lunch break. That’s when the 1st Draconic Scout Battalion of the Golden Oaks Expeditionary Force arrived on the scene. Word of the siege had gotten back to the main force. Lance Corporal Spike Drake had only been dispatched to reconnoiter the situation and report back. Those were his orders.

The excuse “I was just following orders” has sadly been used too often in military history. It has also been said that, for evil to triumph, all it takes is for good people to stand by and do nothing. That day, acting against orders and in a manner that foreshadowed his bravery in the Crystal Empire years later, Spike Drake chose not to stand idly by when he saw the Scooter Cavalry come under attack.

“Hey, back off, lady! No shoving!” Placing himself between the beleaguered knight and what turned out to be the matriarch of one of the wealthy local tribes, Spike Drake stood his ground.

“Excuse me?” Spoiled Rich asked. “Do you know who I am?”

“Yes,” the dragon growled and pointed. “You’re the mean lady who just shoved a filly. BACK OF THE LINE!”

Unaccustomed to being addressed in such a manner, the mare turned up her nose, huffed, but obeyed. Lance Corporal Drake then dragged the injured cavalry officer across enemy lines all the way back to the battlements and joined the defenders. In a move borne out of desperation, he jumped several levels of the chain of command and fired off a plea for assistance in magic fire. History records the message and its response as follows:

District 7 ERMS under siege. Will hold to the last. Plz forward following to District 1 ERMS.

– LC Spike Drake

The reply was curt:

Cnfrmd. Rdy 2 receive

– CinC

Upon receiving the confirmation, Spike wasted no time in opening a third front. “Everypony with outgoing mail for Canterlot, this line right here!”

And now the fellowship forged in battle was complete as Spike began to receive parcels, letters and seasonal greeting cards and sending them off towards their destination in brilliant dragon fire. After emergency treatment (a band-aid,) the cavalry sallied forth once more, delivering a pack of antacids for the dragon. The faintest of nods passed between dragon and pegasus as it was hoofed over in passing.

Knight Commander Rarity recalled years later that she could still hear the faint noises of Windigos on the wind, perhaps the best evidence we have for her being of Princess Platinum’s blood. But those sounds were drowned out by the combined battle cries of the defenders more and more.

“HERE YOU GO, THANK YOU! NEXT!!!”

1800 hours sharp, the last package was hoofed over to Spoiled Rich who acquitted the receipt with a derisive snort. The sign at the door was flipped to “Closed” by Derpy Hooves and applauded with tired stomping by the Knights of the Round Boutique as well as a thumbs-up by the 1st Draconic Scout Battalion. Mailmare 1st Class Derpy Hooves silently came to attention and saluted her comrades in arms, offering thanks on behalf of the Equestrian Royal Mail Service and dismissing them from their posts.

The Siege of District 7 was over.

Aftermath

Upon being relieved from their posts, the knightly order wanted nothing more than to return home and get a good night’s sleep. However, the group was waylaid by one final group of natives. These were not out for a fight and came in peace, inviting the order to a feast. Getting reassurances from the CCC about the genuineness of the offer, Derpy and Spike agreed to come along. The group was led to the native village’s market place where a celebration had been set up which was called a “shindig” in the native tongue and seated in a place of honor at a round table.

Many caramel apples, cookies, pies and spiced cider were heaped upon the heroes by the grateful native population. The stalwart defense of District 7’s base had earned a grudging respect, and the willingness of other Ponyville natives to stand flank to flank with the defenders had sealed the deal.

The crowd then hushed when Warlock Sparkle appeared at the feast, followed by the rest of the Equestrian Royal Mail contingent. A tense silence hung in the air, and some among the crowd even feared another flare-up of hostilities. It was Spike Drake who rose from the round table and prevailed upon everyone to keep their heads cool and to at least hear out his commanding officer.

This display of chivalry, putting the reputation he’d just earned on the line for another, appealed to the population and his request was granted. Warlock Twilight Sparkle stepped in front of the village elder Mayor Mare.

To everypony’s surprise, what followed was not the bluster of imperialist conquerors that so pervades history in other nations, but a heartfelt apology for the troubles caused (which she’d only just learned about) with a bowed head.

Furthermore, Warlock Sparkle announced the result of her campaign with the main force of the post office staff, which amounted to 100 books ranging from children’s to educational to entertainment literature being donated to the local hospital and a waiving of library fees for any foal below a certain age wanting to check out books from Golden Oaks for the purpose of learning. This constituted Twilight Sparkle’s “Hearth’s Warming Gift to my new home.”

Being of the mushy, if panicky, variety of natives, this overture finally won the natives over for good. Twilight Sparkle and Lickety Split joined the Carousel Crusaders at the round table and the remaining Royal Mail staff were seated and served. A good time was had by all, carols were sung, and Knight Commander Rarity reported no further signs of Windigos.

Result: Mailed In Coalition Victory

Territorial Changes: One empty plot of land ceded by Ponyville’s Zoning Commission to the Equestrian Royal Mail for the construction of a bigger post office

Casualties and losses:

· 12 papercuts combined on both sides
· 6 bottles of water consumed by those on stamp-licking detail over the course of the fighting
· Spike’s temper when he was asked to send one final letter that day containing the lesson learned to Princess Celestia
· 2 muffins from Derpy’s lunch basket which had gone stale by the time the siege was lifted
· The spirits of the Cutie Mark Crusaders at the realization of not getting their cutie marks (which made a miraculous recovery the very next day as they came up with their latest scheme)

Glossary

To sally forth – to leave a safe place in a brave or confident way in order to do something difficult

To reconnoiter – to get information about an area or the size and position of enemy forces

CinC – Commander in Chief

1012 AD - The Long Trot

Part of the Clan Wars

Date: Early 1012 AD

Location: Germaneigh, Southern Yakyakistan, Crystal Empire, Manehattan, Central Equestria, Ponyville

Belligerents:

· Apple Clan 1st Highland Regiment / Extended Apple & Pie Clans
· Time / Dramatic Irony / Sheep

Commanders and Leaders:

· Clan Commander Big Mac the Mac MacMcIntosh / Pinkamena Diane the Wallbreaker Pie
· Murphy

Strategic Background

When talking about great battles, the road to get to and from those battles sometimes gets overlooked. Only those who have commanded forces in the field themselves have a true understanding about the sort of organization, grit and determination it takes to move troops where they need to go in a timely manner.

The Apple Clan, historically good infantry due to the far flung nature of their enterprises and sub-clans, have always been considered masters of land and terrain. If ever there was a retreat epic enough to sing songs about, then this was it.

During the winter of 1011/12, the 1st Highland Regiment under Big McIntosh was being supplemented by a volunteer force from the Pie Clan for reasons which will become apparent soon enough. Legends say that the ancestral chiefs of the Apple and Pie Clans were related. While the myth may have been born out of political convenience to cement an alliance, the two clans in the early 1000s were so close, one may as well call it true, regardless of whether or not its members actually shared the same blood.

The winter campaigning season, which lasted from just before Hearth’s Warming to just before Winter Wrap-Up and was a major contributor to the Clan’s wealth, was nearing its end. When the regular baker for the regiment was finally forced to take a leave of absence for personal reasons, Pinkie the Wallbreaker Pie readily agreed to join Big McIntosh for the final Northern Supply Run of the year, hauling freshly baked apple pies and spiced apple cider up to their allies in Germaneigh while bringing back crockery and tools for the farmland back home in return.

Prelude

As it so happened that year, winter had come late and thus had to stay even later in Northern Equestria to make up for it.

A fact by which Princess Twilight Sparkle, barely three years into her reign, was not amused and for which she ordered mandatory make-up lessons in triplicate schedule making for the entire upper echelon of the Cloudsdale Weather Department and Weather Factory. She also included the Leader of the Wonderbolts in those lessons for snickering just a little too loudly at her rant on the subject during the latest Council of Friendship meeting. More on that subject can be found in our ongoing series about the Bureaucracy Wars.

Getting back to the 1st Highland Regiment of the Apple Clan, however, the unexpected blizzard did not initially cause alarm. Although the unit was snowed in, it was well supplied and camped in friendly territory in the small hamlet of Trotsdam. A possible delay due to weather on the Northern Run was not unheard of, even accounted for in the planning stages.

What hadn’t been accounted for was the message that arrived by telegraph a full two weeks before it was expected and which was the reason for the normal regimental baker’s absence:

Sugar Belle experiencing false labor pains. Foal due any day! Get back home ASAP! -AJ

Retreat

With the route south cut off, there was only one way to go, further north! Cutting across Yakyakistan along the impassable Crystal Mountains and into the Crystal Empire, hoping to then turn back south into Equestria proper via Manehattan and the Central Plains, a nigh-impossible proposition if you’re feeling generous, ludicrously insane if you’re not.

Just to get to Yakyakistan, the regiment would have to cross the Germane Alps in the dead of winter, a feat which hadn’t been attempted since the ancient Diamond Dog General Hannibal Bark during the 2nd Puppy War in 218 BCE. Far be it from an attempt at an unbiased treatise to suggest that either of its two primary historical figures were insane. But impending parenthood does strange things to a stallion’s mind and the Wallbreaker has often been called one cupcake short of a baker’s dozen even by those who knew her and especially those who knew her well.

Bound by Highland honor and familial bonds, Chieftain Apple Strudel of the Germaneigh Apples did little to dissuade the pair. Kissing his own wife goodbye with the words “I would have done the same for you” after calmly putting on his snow horseshoes, the experienced mountaineer led the 1st Highland Regiment out into the blinding snowstorm.

The ascent was a grueling, miserable and hungry affair. The supply cart having been abandoned halfway up the mountain in a snow drift, the fellowship’s only supplies were three cupcakes stashed in the Wallbreaker’s mane and a flagon of Obstler carried by Uncle Apple Strudel which kept the company warm. But against all odds, half-frozen and numb, they made it up onto the Yakyakistan Plateau thanks to the expert guidance of Apple Strudel.

Having passed the peak, Big Mac shook hooves with his kinsman and stared at him grimly for a while. Apple Strudel finally sighed. “I see. The rest of the road is long and hard, and this old stallion will only slow you down. I wish ye well the rest of the way, and I hope I’ve fulfilled my duty to the Clan.” Big Mac spoke: “Eyup.”

The company parted, Apple Strudel turning for home and promising to send word to the rest of the Clan of their progress while the 1st Highland Regiment pressed on. Along the way, they were caught in an avalanche which was caused by the ill-advised shot of a party cannon in response to crossing the Arctic Circle. A little sheepishly, Pinkie Pie is reported to have said, “Probably shouldn’t have done that, huh,” after they’d burrowed their way out of the snow back to fresh air. Big Mac spoke: “Nope.”

It takes a certain kind of military genius to get one’s own unit buried in an avalanche and then double down by taking out an incredibly loud instrument like the vovidofone in an attempt to make up for the mistake. The next avalanche came, but it was an avalanche of hooves as the South Yakyakistan Border Patrol cut off the path of the retreating Highland Regiment. What could have been an international incident turned instead into a reunion when it turned out that Prince Rutherford was currently inspecting that very unit. “Pink pony! Friend to Yaks! Pink pony need something?” Pinkie Pie spoke: “Yaks smash!”

And smash they did. The yak unit drew up around the Highland Regiment, sending out advance forces that stamped down the snow in order to clear a path to the steady drone of the vovidofone, escorting them all the way to the Crystal Empire border.

Entering the allied nation, the regiment was finally able to resupply and take a short rest after a brief audience with its rulers. Word of the regiment’s quest had by now spread across Equestria and its neighboring states. Princess Cadence the Loving arranged for safe passage across the Empire, although the late winter remained here as well, putting the train line out of commission. Prince Consort Shining Armor the Wise made a gift of a set of earplugs to Commander McIntosh. When asked for explanation, he simply said sagely: “Trust me, you’ll need them where you’re headed.”

The regiment continued on hoof down south, finally crossing into Equestria as the late snow slowly gave way and into Manehattan. The march picked up to double quick, then turned into a full-on charge through an army amassed at the Manehattan Central Station for the once-a-week express train. “Are we gonna make it on time?” Pinkie Pie questioned her superior. Big Mac grated between clenched teeth while checking the clock: “Nope.”

Yet they pressed on regardless and found the train still in station, held there by a valiant rear guard action fought by another clan member: “Give me oranges or give me death!” The shouting and ranting stallion standing on the tracks held off the iron carriage all by himself while the train conductor yelled back: “That doesn’t even make sense! Get out of the way, you lunatic!”

The Highlanders found themselves waved over by the Orange Family matriarch, two tickets pressed into their hooves and spirited onto a wagon. Then she gave her husband a sign, to which Uncle Orange adopted back his big city attitude, casually jumping off the tracks onto the platform and waving the conductor on: “Well, what are you waiting for, my good sir? You have a schedule to keep. Chop, chop!”

As the train pulled westward out of the station, the Highlanders saluted their kin, and soon the coast and mountains gave way to the arid Central Plains of Equestria. The Wallbreaker, ever the optimist, said: “Now we’re home free!” The carriage rocked, breaks squealed and the train stopped. “Shouldn’t have said that, should I?” Big Mac spoke: “Nope.”

After a quick scouting run, Pinkie Pie’s disgust could be summed up in six words: “Sheep! Why is it always sheep!?” It was then that the lone wanderer appeared, the shadow of his hat shading his eyes against the sun, a rubber chicken slung across his back, the accordion at his hooves playing polka music, entrancing the sheep that had blocked the track and leading them away. He winked at Pinkie Pie as he walked away into the sunset with the flock.

The mare stared after him for a while before realizing: “We’re still not moving.” Big Mac spoke: “Nope.” The attendant explained that the steam engine would need time to properly heat up again before the journey could go on. Big McIntosh was halfway to jumping out and continuing on hoof when the train inexplicably began to move to the shout: “Appleloosa! Hang tight, cuz! We’ll get ya there.”

The cavalry had arrived, under their leader Colonel Braeburn, and hitched themselves to the train. They ran for hours, even after the locomotive had picked up a full head of steam, giving it just a little more speed as much as their screaming muscles would allow. And then … the brakes squealed again. “Oh no,” Pinkie Pie moaned as she looked at the rockslide that blocked the one tunnel into town just outside Ponyville.

Big Mac stepped out of the train, and one could tell he was desperate by one simple fact: The one who has been called one of the most verbose commanders in Equestrian history, did not say a word. He remained silent and stone-faced as he passed by the exhausted Braeburn and his unit, giving up his own last flask of water in thanks for services rendered and stood before the huge boulders blocking his path. He stood there for a moment, then began the process of removing the blockage three ponies high and two ponies wide by hoof, one rock at a time.

Everypony else watched in awe at the sheer determination exhibited by the stallion. One by one, not only Braeburn’s exhausted cavalry but the passengers of the train as well joined in on the task, all except for Pinkie Pie, the Wallbreaker, who ironically realized the futility of the attempt. Instead, she placed her hooves on her temples, closed her eyes and concentrated.

After a while, booming noises could be heard from the opposite side. The ponies paused in their work, listening to the booms growing louder and louder, until at last the largest boulder split right down the middle, the forms of three ponies emerging from the settling dust and rubble.

The leader of the three, Rocktor Maud Pie of the Pie Corps of Engineers stepped forward, holding a small rock in front of her and looking at Pinkie with unblinking eyes. “Boulder says you called.” Big Mac galloped past them with barely a nod, racing on towards Ponyville. Pinkie Pie took a moment to sweep her sisters up in a hug. “Huggsies! Talk to you later.” Limestone grumbled, Marble blushed and Maud … was being Maud. Then the Wallbreaker chased after her commanding officer.

One obstacle that could have been expected at this point in the journey did not come to pass. The usually crowded streets of Ponyville on market day were wide open for the pair as an army of angry, hissing cats held the inhabitants of the befuddled town at bay on either side of the street, providing a clear run at the Ponyville General Hospital. They were waved on by the commander of the Tiger Division, Golden Delicious.

With their goal in sight, Pinkie Pie’s tail twitched, and in the split second she had to act, she shoved Big Mac to the side just before a potted plant fell down and broke on the floor in between them. The Highlander looked to the clear, blue sky and raised an eyebrow. Pinkie simply shrugged.

“About time ya got yer caboose in here,” the Apple Clan Chief Granny Smith and former-enemy-now-allied Pear Clan Chief Grand Pear shouted at their grandson in stereo when he arrived panting in the waiting room. A pained scream could be heard from beyond a door and Big Mac pressed on.

A nurse barred his way for a moment. “Only one family member, please.”

“S’alright, sugarcube,” Applejack said, having heard the commotion and coming out of the room, hoofing her face mask over to the tired stallion. “Ah was just holdin’ down the fort. Go on in, big brother. She’s been waitin’ for ya.”

Big Mac could barely hear the Wallbreaker’s comment: “Boy, have I got a story to tell all of you when we’re done here. One day, it might even make it into a parody anthology that pretends to tell great exploits in Equestrian military history.”

Sugar Belle’s eyes were clenched shut in pain until she felt a hoof slip onto hers. She smiled in the hospital bed, breathing heavily. “You’re here.”

Big Mac spoke softly: “Eyup.”

Aftermath

Not long after arrival at home base, a healthy baby colt by the name Big Sugar was born to loving parents Big Mac and Sugar Belle. Across Equestria, Yakyakistan and the Crystal Empire, clan members and allies from along the way waited with bated breath and celebrated as soon as the news was received.

At the next Apple Family Reunion, many thanks kept brief during the Long Trot were reiterated at length and much fuss was made about the newest clan member. In the more immediate aftermath, of course, Pinkie Pie threw a huge party that had been planned months earlier.

According to the Chronicles of Clan Apple, the harvest of pears and apples from the seeds planted by Bright Mac and Pear Butter was particularly bountiful that year.

Result: Family Victory

Territorial Changes: Granny’s knitting room converted into a nursery

Casualties and losses:

· Many nights of sleep by the young parents following the birth
· The earplugs given to Big Mac by Shining Armor which had been lost somewhere along the final stretch of the Trot, much to Big Mac’s regret
· About ten minutes by the Friendship Express when it pulled into its final stop
· Apple Bloom’s marbles over how cute her baby nephew was

2006 AD - The Naval Battle at Maretime Bay

(This article is concerned with naval warfare only. If you were redirected to this page by mistake, you may have been looking for:

The First Battle of Maretime Bay - most likely fictitious land battle between earth ponies, pegasi and unicorns during the Second Millennium's Dark Age

The Second Battle of Maretime Bay - which saw the return of magic to ponykind and the reformation of the Grand Pony Alliance in 2021 AD)

Part of the War of the Three Foals

Date: 2006 AD
Location: Maretime Bay Harbor

Belligerents:

Sunny Trail Seas Fleet / Starshine Design Bureau

Units:
· SV Friendship (civilian sailing vessel, non-combatant)
· STS Twilight Sparkle (Princess-class battleship)
· STS Integrity (Honor-class battleship)
· STS Kindness (Element-class flight-deck cruiser)

Imperial Sprouticus Navy / CanterLogic Department of War Technology

Units:
· ISN Mommy Dearest (Mother-class battlecruiser)
· ISN Sprouticus Maximus (Sprouticus-class dreadnought)
· LD-101, LD-102, LD-103 (LD-Type light destroyers)

Commanders and Leaders:
· Fleet Admiral Sunny Starscout / Rear Admiral Hitch Trailblazer / Chief Architect Argyle Starshine
· Supreme Commander Sprout Cloverleaf / Director Phyllis Cloverleaf

Strategic Background

Being a largely peaceful and trade-centered coastal town, Maretime Bay, like Ancient Equestria itself, has never maintained a large navy, safe for a few Coast Guard Cutters that go out to get the occasional fisherpony out of the sea who 'could have sworn that storm didn't look so bad when I set out this morning.'

Likewise, the section of the harbor that was walled off from the seaside and designated for foals to play at safely, had never seen any significant military action until 2006 AD. For the most part, the body of water had been dominated by newspaper designs on day trips or the occasional wooden barge on a string going for a pleasure cruise under wind power.

Prior to the events of the Naval Battle, however, the landscape of seagoing vessels in Maretime Harbor was changing. CanterLogic's shipyards were starting to churn out and sell larger and more powerful vessels with stronger plastic hulls and motorized under electrical power (as long as the remote controller on shore was still in range.)

The advent of more modern technology on the sea would inevitably lead to more traffic with faster ships in a congested area, and when distances get smaller, history teaches that conflict follows.

Prelude

The inciting incident which led to the militarization of the waters of Maretime Bay was a collision that resulted from a (most likely) honest mistake made by one of the pilots involved. The Friendship, an older design sailing vessel operated by Captain Sunny Starscout and piloted by her First Officer Hitch Trailblazer, was out on the waters when she was rapidly approached from astern by ISN Mommy Dearest, the then largest vessel afloat under command of Captain Sprout Cloverleaf.

A variety of reasons has been postulated as to why the Mommy Dearest approached the Friendship so closely and at such unsafe speeds. The reasons may have been to show off the newest design by driving circles around the older and smaller vessel, the operator's unfamiliarity with the new control scheme or simple navigational error.

Whatever the reason or combination of reasons, when the Mommy Dearest cut in front of the Friendship, the string held by Commander Trailblazer was caught up in the screws of the larger ship. In an effort to free the ship, the order for all ahead flank was given, which initially pulled the Friendship in closer until its wooden hull collided with the steel propellers of the modern ship, chopping it up along with the string.

Now unsteerable and taking on water, her captain could only watch on in tears from the shore as her vessel rolled over onto her side and slipped beneath the waves while the Mommy Dearest simply turned and left with only superficial damage.

Outraged by what came to be known as the Friendship Incident on principle and by his commanding officer's tears on a personal level, Hitch demanded an apology from Sprout who refused to do so, saying the Friendship was at fault for not giving way. (Which is technically correct. Under maritime law, the smaller ship was obliged to give way. However, the risky maneuvers executed by the Mommy Dearest somewhat relativize this interpretation.)

Under these portents, the Sunny Trail Seas Fleet for the Protection of the Territorial Waters of Maretime Bay was established to counterbalance the "blatant aggression displayed by ISN ships and commanders as of late." Enlisting the help of the Starshine Design Bureau, the High Command ordered and participated in the construction of two modern battleships, the Twilight Sparkle and the Integrity, each of which rivaled the Mommy Dearest in displacement and was armed for self-defense with two-inch rubber band guns (carrying 12 two-inch bottle corks for ammunition each.) Though still powered by sail and with wooden hulls, Chief Architect Argyle Starshine managed to incorporate ancient Seapony design elements which made the ships nearly as strong as the newer plastic-hulled warships and altogether more maneuverable while tying sail and rudder controls into modern RC technology.

The build-up was not lost on the Imperial Sprouticus Navy which first took to arming the Mommy Dearest with a similar complement of cork guns and accelerating plans for the prototype dreadnought ISN Sprouticus Maximus which sported even more armor and armaments. Three light destroyers (discontinued prototypes discovered in storage at CanterLogic) were also pressed into service and armed with a forward facing water gun each. (The resulting RC controller set-up more resembled a switchboard and had to be dragged by the Supreme Commander to shore by cart.)

The ensuing naval arms race prompted the Sunny Trail Seas Fleet to sign off on one more, rather unusual, design, the crewed flight-deck cruiser Kindness. Rear Admiral Trailblazer's initial opposition to the concept was overcome after much pecking and pinching by the Squad (two seagulls and a crab), waterfront locals who volunteered to serve and were finally given their own command with the words: "Let's just humor them so they'll leave me alone, please."

Battle

Initially reluctant to commit the full force of his navy due to logistical concerns (too many buttons for too few hooves,) Supreme Commander Sprout rarely used the full force at his disposal to sortie.

However, on the morning of the battle, emboldened by how they perceived to have cowed their opponent and the fact that Sprouticus Maximus had never put to sea, the Sunny Trail Seas Fleet crossed the imaginary divide of the Harbor Sea both sides had loosely stuck to thus far, taunting their anchored rivals across the water by criss-crossing in front of them with a strong following wind.

An unordered air raid from the Kindness was then conducted, with two air units dropping ordnance (the kind of which the reader can surely guess based on the air units being seagulls) on the untested flagship of the Imperial Navy. The material damage was negligible, the prestige damage was not.

In retaliation, the light destroyes moved out to harass the Kindness and her air units with their water guns, and naturally the Twilight Sparkle and Integrity moved up to cover their allies. Insubordinate as they may have been by initiating the attack, they were still comrades.

Seeing this, the Sprouticus Maximus and Mommy Dearest set a full head of steam and rushed out of harbor to meet their opponents. Initially, circumstances favored the smaller Sunny Trail Seas Fleet as they were able to cross the opponent's T. But the Imperial Navy was able to take the fire and, not being dependant on the wind, managed to maneuver in place to set up their own broadsides.

The exchange of fire went on for some time as the gunners on both sides sighted in the range and the water started to become strewn with floating corks. While air superiority was not on their side, the Sprouticus Maximus had a trick up her sleeve, firing a weighted net towards the Kindness which entangled both flight crew on deck while they were resupplying as well as the ship's rudder.

Rudderless, the Kindness began to take the majority of the fire, taking on water and drifting (since the tide was just starting to go out) towards the harbor entrance and the open sea.

Fleet Admiral Sunny Starscout was the first to recognize the panicked squawks for the emergency signal they were. "They're gonna drown!" With those words, the Twilight Sparkle heaved out of the line of battle and turned towards the stricken Kindness.

Torn between wanting to keep up the fight and the plight of the Squad, Rear Admiral Trailblazer initially began to charge towards the enemy, turning the Integrity at the last moment hard to port, firing off a final defiant broadside, and then raced off to also render assistance.

The Imperial units, for the moment in control of the seas, did not move to follow.

The Rescue of Kindness

The Twilight Sparkle and Integrity moved up towards the Kindness at top speed, but were unable to stop the damaged cruiser from moving towards the open sea while its crew remained trapped on deck. The sending of a rescue swimmer was considered but dismissed. (Since neither of the foals had yet learned how to swim.)

In desperation, the two battleships opened fire on the harbor entrance in the vain hope of collapsing the walls and preventing the ship from slipping through and going down further out at sea where rescue would be impossible. But prospects looked bleak.

And then a ship's horn could be heard as the Sprouticus Maximus came barreling down on the Sunny Trail Seas Fleet at speed. As the Twilight Sparkle and Integrity frantically maneuvered to fend off the perceived attack, the dreadnought heaved to starboard and made for the harbor entrance, unseen sharp rocks slicing her low-sitting hull below the waterline and wedging herself into the harbor entrance, slowing the outgoing flow of water. Any smaller ship would have simply passed through, but the hulk of the largest ship ever put to sea in this area blockaded the opening, giving the Kindness a second chance at life.

Admirals Starscout and Trailblazer looked towards the approaching Supreme Commander Sprout who had dragged his entire command center around the harbor to remain in RC range and render assistance, as ancient maritime law dictated that any ship in distress is to be aided, regardless of allegiance. A wordless nod was shared between the three commanders and the two fleets began to work together to rescue the Kindness and her crew.

LD-101, LD-102 and LD-103 moved in to box her in and hold the ship in place, the smell of electrical motors burning out in the air as they strained to keep the larger ship from moving further with the slowed current and capsizing.

Mommy Dearest moved up in front, flanked by Twilight Sparkle and Integrity, now in a position for the commanding officer of Kindness, who had managed to extricate himself from the net with his pincers and refashioned it into a line, to jump over and tie off his own command to the battlecruiser which was in the process of redeeming herself for her role in the sinking of the Friendship.

By their power combined, the three warships towed the Kindness out of harm's way and onto the beach before she could fully sink, just as the Sprouticus Maximus lost its valiant struggle against the crashing waves and rocks, her hull split in twain and the wreck swept out to sea.

Aftermath

In the immediate aftermath of the successful rescue operation, the surviving crew of the Kindness was freed from any remaining netting and two out of three gently toweled off by Rear Admiral Trailblazer. The remaining third, Commander Crabby, waddled over towards the enemy and extended a pincer in recognition of the aid rendered, which Supreme Commander Sprout returned with a hoofbump after some hesitation.

Silence reigned for a bit until the words "I'm sorry," "You're not so bad, after all" and "Thank you, Sprout" all jumbled together when spoken by three different pony muzzles at the same time.

An armistice was declared on the spot and a foundation laid for a naval limitations and eventual peace treaty. All remaining ships were disarmed and returned to civilian service. Their first joint mission together would be the salvage and refloating of the Friendship a few days later.

Result: Victory of Decency
Territorial Changes: a corner of Hitch's bedroom permanently ceded to the Squad
Casualties and losses:

· SV Friendship (capsized, later salvaged and refloated)

· STS Kindness (beached, later transferred to the Starshine Maritime Museum on the mantle of the fireplace)

· ISN Sprouticus Maximus (sunk)

· LD-101, LD-102, LD-103 (adrift with engine damage, later washed up on shore and scrapped for parts)

· Sprout's allowance for the next month when his mother learned how he'd been treating his toys

Glossary
Port - left
Starboard - right
Astern - behind
Sortie - the deployment of military units

Author's Note

New tag for Gen5! :yay:

24 BCE - The Last Stand of the Grand Pony Alliance

Part of the Unification War

Date: 24 BCE

Location: Castle of the Two Sisters

Belligerents:

· Old Solar Empire / Old Lunar Republic / Equestrian Provisional Government

· Principality of Unicornia / Military Junta of Pegasopolis / Federal Republic of Earth

Commanders and Leaders:

· Princess-elect Celestia Solaris / Princess-elect Luna Selene / Acting Adult Clover the Clever

· Princess Platinum / Commander Hurricane / Chancellor Puddinghead

Strategic Background

When watching a Hearth's Warming Eve Pageant, it is easy to get swept up in the warm, fuzzy feelings of singing the Heart Carol and to actually believe that enemies who had been at odds with each other for generations could just sing a song, change the climate of a continent and found a new nation in an afternoon. Historical truth is often more prosaic and can seldom be wrapped up in a neat half hour with a song and a perfect story book ending.

In reality, the road to unification was neither short nor without significant road bumps. Ancient hostilities still lingered between the Three Tribes, and although the Battle of the Heart Cave had been a significant stepping stone in extended cooperation at least as far as the junior leadership was concerned, it started to dawn on the advance parties in Equestrian lands that the founding of a new nation would be a significant undertaking. The most obvious question facing the founding ponies was who would lead such a nation. Of course, Princess Platinum, Commander Hurricane and Chancellor Puddinghead all threw their hats into the ring, literally in Puddinghead's case. It fell to Smart Cookie to roll her eyes, pick it up when nopony followed suit and place it back on the head of her head of state.

The competing territorial claims of the three newly founded nations needed to be resolved, the old governments in the ancestral lands had to be consulted, and all the while refugees from the old countries were streaming in which had to be resettled and set up to earn a living. Being well-respected amongst all the Tribes, it fell once again to Starswirl the Bearded to become the great mediator, and his eventual proposal managed to settle a few things at once without ruffling too many feathers. The two alicorn sisters Celestia and Luna would be crowned the rulers of this new land. It was a hallmark Swirlian compromise, one everypony could complain about in equal measure. It was also decided to build a new castle for them, which created employment opportunities for the settlers. Being young and not even having their cutie marks yet, the sisters would be tutored by Starswirl himself and advised by Platinum, Hurricane and Puddinghead in equal measure during their early reign.

This plan, known to history as the Everfree Accords, was unanimously agreed to by all parties present. Puddinghead, being the only actual head of state from the Old World present, was able to sign on behalf of the Earth Pony Tribes and the Federal Republic of Earth outright. Platinum and Hurricane were signatories for Unicornia and Pegasopolis respectively. They also signed on behalf of the Unicorn Kingdom and the Pegasus Weather Brigade, though those signatures were still subject to be ratified by Unicorn King Bullion and the Pegasus High Command back home.

With the ink barely dry and the Accords being held together more by goodwill than law, it was decided to go ahead with the construction of the castle and the plans for the coronation, overseen by Starswirl himself in the initial stages. However, the old sorcerer was shrewd enough to recognize the need for expedience. History is often defined by a single individual recognizing and seizing the right opportunity when it presents itself. Speed was of the essence if a unified Equestria was to be more than just a dream. And so Starswirl prepared to set off for the Old World to get the Accords set in stone, a roundtrip that would likely take weeks, if not months.

Clover the Clever, who was the very definition of having greatness thrust upon him rather than being born with it, pleaded with his mentor to at least leave him Smart Cookie or Private Pansy as adjutants. But Starswirl had already made up his mind on who he was taking on the long journey. He himself could convince his old friend King Bullion. But he needed Smart Cookie to show the other tribes the sincerity of the Earth Ponies, and the Pegasus High Command was more likely to listen to the honest plea of a common soldier than one of their more brash commanders who was respected but not necessarily liked by his peers. His parting words to his student are recorded as follows: "Consider this your final exam. You are in charge, Clover. Try not to let this fledgling nation fly apart at the seams while I'm gone."

At this point, we invite our readers to reflect a moment on the high standards Starswirl the Bearded held his students to, putting perhaps into perspective the complaints they once leveled at their own teachers for assigning a simple 500 word essay as homework.

Prelude

Clover the Clever did his level best to juggle a mammoth construction project, the ongoing education of two pre-teen demi-goddesses and the bruised egos of three leaders who had been competing for supremacy until finally being passed over in favor of two fillies. Maybe three or four Clovers, putting out fires in every corner of the castle, could have kept the peace. As it was, conflict was inevitable.

Princess Platinum had called her rulers-to-be "blank flanks" to their face in a momentary fit of pique at their unroyal conduct and lack of etiquette and been bowled over on her plot by Luna's resulting rant in the first recorded instance of the Royal Canterlot Voice being used as a sonic weapon for her trouble. Celestia had made a whispered-yet-deliberately-audible remark about Chancellor Puddinghead's mental capacity being "inversely matched in size only by his silly hat" during an economics lesson which resulted in extra homework. Both fillies resented the pre-dawn physical exercises Commander Hurricane put them through daily, and their loud complaints were resented in return by a career soldier who was intolerant to back-talk from raw recruits.

All the while, resentment grew, and Clover the Clever watched the skies in mounting terror as sporadic snowfalls blanketed the nearly complete castle grounds in a thin sheet of white. In desperation, Clover had ordered a rest day from all studies and construction work, giving the workers the day off and hoping against hope that having a simple tea party with everypony together in the castle garden would pacify all sides. It was a valiant effort, but not enough. The first shot was fired by the Lunar Republic, knocking off Chancellor Puddinghead's hat.

"That's it," the Pudding Chancellor declared, getting up and preparing his own snowball while staring down the two giggling alicorns. "Not through speeches and majority decisions will the great questions of the day be decided—that was the great mistake of the Old World—but by ice and snowballs!"

Incredibly, in a move that would have seemed impossible just a year earlier, Platinum and Hurricane got up as one pony and stood shoulder to shoulder with Puddinghead. Without even a word, the Grand Pony Alliance of Unicornia, Pegasopolis and Earth had been born. Caught in the middle, the construction workers had to choose their side, with about half remaining loyal to the new government and the rest joining their old leaders in open revolt. Members of all three tribes could be found on both sides in about equal measure, however, with no preference for the old or new regime along the tribal divisions that had kept them apart since time immemorial.

The fight for the future of Equestria had begun.

Battle

Being a battle that nopony had planned or prepared for, the initial exchange of fire was chaotic and brutal, snowballs flying every which way and in some instances snow being kicked up into the opponent’s face without time to form a full projectile in hoof-to-hoof combat.

It was Princess-elect Celestia Solaris who first managed to put some semblance of order to the Equestrian side. Princess Celestia has sometimes been accused of having a much too defensive sit-and-wait approach to leadership. In this case, her preferred option of digging in faster than the enemy paid off as she ordered the Equestrian troops to seize the patio, overturning benches and tables to use as ready-made barricades and thus setting up a formidable defensive line with plenty of crossfire opportunities.

Platinum was the first among the GPA leadership to recognize the dangerous position they were about to find themselves in if they continued to fight on open ground and thus ordered her troops to fall back. Chancellor Puddinghead commandeered a pioneer corps of earth ponies and pegasi to throw up their own defenses. Anchoring their left on a garden wall, the earth ponies threw up a snow barricade which was then compacted from above by the pegasi. The fact that all these troops had been a construction team before helped tremendously in getting the project done in record time, though the right flank of the GPA position was left dangerously exposed.

That vulnerability was not lost on the keen eye of Luna Selene who immediately set up a Lunar strike force to exploit the weakness and led it into battle herself. Commander Hurricane, hovering over the battlefield with a bird’s eye view, spotted the advance and acted accordingly without the slightest hesitation. Being the most experienced commander on the field, he worked quickly with what he had at hoof, gathering around twenty unicorns and ordering them to draw up in a line at a right angle to the wall, refusing the flank.

The hastily thrown together Lunar strike force was in for a rude awakening as they approached through the strawberry patch and found themselves immediately under rapid fire by small snowballs propelled by unicorn magic while Commander Hurricane could be heard shouting: “THIS IS PEGASOPOLIS!!! … And Unicornia and Earth too, I guess!”

For a moment, it looked as if fully half the Equestrian force might be wiped out right then and there. And then a shout was heard among the Lunar forces. “Ow! That one had a rock in it!” Commander Hurricane immediately ordered his troops to cease fire, flying towards the stricken Princess Luna who had raised the shout. “Hey, you okay, kid?”

Princess Luna raised her head out of the snow, grinned and bucked the large fir tree she’d lured her opponent to, burying him in snow momentarily as it came crashing down from the branches. “Retreat!” While the attack was ultimately a failure, Princess Luna’s quickly devised feint managed to extricate her forces from the bad position they found themselves in without incurring too many losses. Meanwhile, Commander Hurricane found himself picking pine needles from his mane for the next half hour or so. But he'd held the line.

With both sides firmly entrenched, the fire began to lull, only occasionally picking up and concentrating when a pony from either side was brave enough to step into No Pony’s Land before quickly being driven back to their respective side. Clover the Clever, having lived through the Battle of the Heart Cave, felt the icy chill gripping at his fur and fought down flashbacks. It’s probably due to this that he then did something some have called incredibly brave, and others incredibly stupid.

Under a flag of truce, he went up alone to the GPA fortification to parlay with his old friend Princess Platinum, pleading with her to stop this madness before the land would once again be swallowed up by Windigos. Princess Platinum pondered his words and replied: “I’m sorry, Clover. But those fillies need to learn some manners. If they do not want cake, let them eat snow!” She then raised her hoof.

Clover gaped at his old friend. “Platty?”

Platinum drew in her breath and held his gaze for a good, long while. Finally, she lowered her hoof slowly and shook her head. “I can’t do it.” Clover was barely able to breathe a sigh of relief when he could hear her add: “Chancellor Puddinghead. You give the order.”

“FIRE!!!”

For the next few minutes, Clover’s vision was filled with white as he was pelted relentlessly with snowballs first from one side and then, when the Equestrian side decided that he really was a traitor to their cause for what he did, joined in with glee. Incidentally, this is where the common phrase “Don’t shoot the Clover,” usually uttered by ponies who have bad news for their superiors, comes from.

When the stallion came to, he found himself in a camp he didn’t recognize, surrounded by shivering ponies from either side who were wrapped in blankets. When he inquired of the pony who gave him a hot cocoa of what had happened, he was told that he’d been dragged out of No Pony’s Land by a group of volunteers who had either refused to take a side or deserted along the way. Instead, they’d staked off a neutral corner of the garden where the injured could be treated.

No pony was refused under the strict rule of leaving the fight outside. The leader of this outfit was a filly with a brilliant white coat and a cutie mark of a red cross. Clover watched entranced as the filly worked her way around the area, organizing the supplies of blankets and cocoa as they rested from the cold. Incredibly, most eventually returned to the battlefield, though only after the filly had made sure they’d drunk their cocoa and they were warm enough. That filly was Flora Nightingale.

A whinny could be heard, and Clover panicked for a moment. “No, no, no, no, no! Not again!” But when he looked, he was stunned to find out that the whinny had not come from a Windigo, but from a laughing Celestia Solaris who was shouting “Betrayal! Betrayal!” as she was being pelted with snowballs. Her assailants, as it turned out, were Chancellor Puddinghead and Princess Luna Selene who were staging raids from the castle’s built-in Slip ‘n Slides, the former holding the filly steady between his front hooves as Luna laughed and attacked.

“Oh, come on! Not the hat again! Respect the hat!” Chancellor Puddinghead complained as his formal headwear was once again knocked off by a snowball.

“Oh, but it makes such a nice target, Chancellor,” Princess Platinum tittered from the battlements in a silvery voice. “Nice shot, Commander Hurricane!”

“Thank you,” the soldier replied with what was, as far as Clover could recall, the first genuine smile he’d ever seen on his lips. “You’re not such a bad shot yourself, Your Highness.”

Clover the Clever plopped down on his haunches, listening to the laughter now echoing across the battlefield and blinked his eyes, wondering if any of the combatants could see the burning heart of magic that was now hovering above No Pony’s Land.

“You alright there?” Clover was pulled out of his thoughts by the words of Flora Nightingale who had walked up to him silently like a ghost.

He was speechless for a moment, then sighed and smiled. “Yeah. I guess we will be.” Then, spotting the blankets she was carrying, he offered: “Here. Let me help you with those.”

The battle went on, eventually brought to an end by nightfall, upon which the leaders of the Grand Pony Alliance met the Equestrian Provisional Government in No Pony’s Land, bowed smiling and accepted their defeat.

Aftermath

Born from the resulting clean-up of the mess the next day, Winter Wrap-Up officially joined Hearth’s Warming Eve as the second national holiday in the Equestrian calendar.

Starswirl returned a week later with the ratified Everfree Accords in hoof. The Castle of the Two Sisters was completed shortly thereafter.

Before the coronation of Celestia and Luna, the three leaders of the Grand Pony Alliance approached Clover the Clever who was finally able to breathe normally again. Each donated a symbol of their office, Platinum her crown, Hurricane his helmet and Puddinghead his hat. These items were then used as the raw materials for a transmutation spell that created the crowns and regalia for the Two Sisters, (and which were worn by them all the way until their abdication in 1009 AD. Presently, they reside in the Canterlot Archives where they are displayed for public viewing.)

The Grand Pony Alliance was dissolved as quickly and quietly as it had been born. And yet, some might argue that it wasn’t dissolved at all, indeed that it hasn’t been dissolved to this very day. Certainly, there are still cultural differences between pegasus, unicorn and earth ponies. Some local traditions are defined by the majority of townsfolk being from one tribe or another. Sometimes, the bond between ponies has been strained, such as during the War of the Three Villains in 1009 AD, and yet the covenant established on the battlefield in 24 BCE would never truly be broken again, tested every now and again, but never shattered. Some scholars have even recently argued that the Grand Alliance between ponies, yaks, changelings, dragons, kirin, griffons, hippogriffs and many more speaking races that opposed Chrysalis, Tirek and Cozy Glow in the 42nd Battle of Canterlot is in essence the Grand Pony Alliance taken to its logical conclusion.

Many of the earth pony, unicorn and pegasus construction workers who had fought side by side for the very first time in their lives would later go on to be some of the founding members of the EUP Guard. Flora Nightingale and those few brave souls who had refused to take sides and instead chosen to bring warm blankets and hot cocoa to fallen combatants became the forebears of the Equestrian Red Cross.

Starswirl, Platinum, Hurricane and Puddinghead went on to continue and support Celestia Solaris and Luna Selene during their early reign. As far as Clover the Clever was concerned, he went on to fight his own campaigns in the future. In a rare display of pride, Starswirl thanked his disciple, acknowledged him as his equal and offered him the position of court tutor, which the Clever declined with the words:

“Oh, uhm, yeah! Thanks, master, but, erm, I’ve so many things on my to-do list, like … seven at least. All really important stuff. You could practically call them Trials! So, appreciate the offer, really. Not gonna be around that much. Good luck with the fillies, though! See ya!”

Result: Equestrian Victory resulting in Unification of the Three Tribes and the Coronation of the Alicorn Sisters

Territorial Changes:

· All territorial claims previously contested by Unicornia, Pegasopolis and Earth ceded to the new Equestrian government
· Three guest rooms in the Castle of the Two Sisters permanently set aside for the sole use of Platinum, Hurricane and Puddinghead to drop by whenever they wished

Casualties and losses:

· Clover's dignity
· Any chance of Starswirl pawning off babysitting duty on his disciple ever again
· The strawberry patch which had to be replanted the next spring
· Princess Platinum's Crown, Commander Hurricane's Helmet and Chancellor Puddinghead's Hat of Office

Glossary

EUP – Earth Pony, Unicorn & Pegasus

GPA – Grand Pony Alliance