Everything was a blur, I slipped in and out of consciousness, in the blurs I saw figures, garbled speaking, and then, nothing.

I woke up to see the ceiling of the guest room I was given that I started off in. I stared at roof for a couple of minutes... that dream- it...hurt.

I sighed, I tried to push away the thoughts and get more comfortable with this pony life but every time I sleep, every time I try to rest, I see that nightmare over and over. Never was there a moment I let myself forget it, the pain, the stress I put on her...a girl I used to love...

I feel so pathetic with all these memories and thoughts, maybe I am.

I looked to the right to see, past the closed glass balcony doors, the moon's radiance shined upon the floor. The streak of silver lighting lit the room. My mind was awash and dizzy I could only come up with a single sentence to summarize my emotions. "...guess I won't be sleeping tonight." I sighed with all the weight and pain of it all. In the process of lifting my weak body, I felt my muscles ache, bones feeling brittle and hefty.

I moved to open the doors of the balcony to see the sight of the city. The lights of the streets, stores, and restaurants were still lively... I leaned against the railing trying to drown out my lingering thoughts of the nightmare. But seeing couples- families just live and be happy, was hard to swallow. My mind came to a halt, my throat becoming dry, looking upon two lovebirds, old but expressive with their love with nuzzles and words of encouragement.

My mind became swirls within swirls I started getting feeling the build-up, and the aching become less apparent on anything but my heart. The look on their faces, the eyes that said 'you were the only thing in my mind' seeing their frowns curl and become smiles. The laughter, the smiles, and the merry spirits... I felt sick as if seeing a mirror of something I failed. The sensation of the cold air softly tickled the hairs upon my face. The sensations, the noise... it all became too much to bear, shutting my eyes and looking away I found little solace.

The weight of my throat and my sore muscles slowly came back, my slow pace of thinking was just going on auto pilot.

I tried to calm down, to tell myself to live in the moment.

But the longer I kept my eyes shut, I see it, her face, that pain and regret in all its glory and it stings my heart to relive the image, the memory over and over like a broken record. Her laughter that used to be so soothing, her contagious smile, the quiet moments when I allowed myself to hear not my thoughts, but her slow heartbeat of hers.

I open my eyes to tear myself away from it all, I grimaced at the replaying scene. "I just need to walk it off." I turned around to head back in just to go for the front door of my room. All I could think of was walking away from my room and getting a drink.

As I trudged through the halls I soon found myself lost, I didn't get a good grasp on where goes where so I just walked aimlessly...

I feel lost, not in just walking but in myself, where do I go from here? Days seem to slip into minutes, death again becomes more seductive and pain seems to wear me down. I've fucked up one life, I may have fucked up this one too...

I shook my head, no, I was doing better, I started drinking less and-

Only for a week... What was the point? Lying to myself like this just to evade that guilt, I've fucked up.

I heard my hooves echo along the hall but nothing felt like it could register. Just my thoughts... "You know you'll just fuck it up again, when was the last time you did anything helpful? What kind of idiot just blurts out the shit you do?"

I tried to clear it all out but more and more thoughts of criticism came into my head, as I followed the halls I saw through the glass panels that the moon shined through it all. The glow of the moon overhung through the windows letting out a nice night glow of light.

"This is stupid, you're stupid, why'd you think being in a pony world with magical horses and magic would give you any better of a chance?"

I grimaced at it all, I know it was just in my head, these voices were just being hard on me but- they had truth in them. Here I was thinking this shit would be any better and here I was sulking and dying inside.

Maybe I should just end it all? It'd be so easy, find an opening some kind of high place, and just...jump.

I shook the thought away but each step I took echoed through the halls, every step made the thoughts come back.

I lost myself in hallways and stairs, spiraling away with my brain being lost.

"Every day I get worse, every day I'm stuck in this alien world with a damn alien horse body. I JUST WANT TO GO HOME!"

As I exited from the door I felt small droplets of rain hit and drip from my coat. The pouring felt small and non-intrusive. It was just starting but felt, nice, a small wind down.

The feeling of it all slowly picked up its pace, cascading onto me, all the weight of everything just felt, massive and yet obscure. I closed my eyes and lifted my head to feel the rain pound onto my face, to slide downwards only to drip from my chin.

I realized I never really felt happy for a long time, was that normal? Was that just me? Or was it life just giving me a hell of a ride? The small droplets slowly hit the floor faster.

Did It matter? Before I was here I was just a nobody, someone you'd get annoyed with and then leave. Did I have people in my life? Yeah but few and too far in between, I'm sure they wouldn't miss me... I wouldn't.

And what now? Wake up to a strange world with a pity job, a princess assaulting me, making me like her before dropping the bomb, then just asking me to forgive her.

The rain began to pound harder on my face, more violent and yet...bearable.

The rain while growing in rampant, aggressive stampede, made me think of a memory. A melody began to ring in my head. It was slow, a melody I hadn't remembered since I was 9, it was slow in a low tempo as if bouncing upon the sheet. But slowly, through its repetitive nature, it found its pacing to become more, louder, more iconic, something childlike.

In a moment of clarity, in a small brief but important moment in time. I found what the melody brought back. My throat hitched at the recollection of it all, the wonders of another world I would simply work in, the building, the exploring. The expansive and endless world that I used to inhabit in my childlike imagination.

The hum of a small warm computer upon my feet. Or the feel of a small controller that allowed me to build and recreate the world around me, or even the small screen of a phone. The simpleness, the stagnant moment in one small room. I remember it, the small drips of rain that was soothing or the stormy scary nights of being alone. In those moments, I found the peacefulness of a world I could control. A world I could conquer, in a small moment where I felt in power.

When mom and dad were...alive. When the world made sense and the only time they were gone was when they had work. When I had everything at my fingertips, my mind was at ease from the worries that came with the world. Homework was a joke for education, the biggest worry was knowing if I was the coolest by having the best Legos or bay blades...

And then, I opened my eyes. The rain was just as violent when I shut my senses. The world felt dreary and dry, colorless. Even with the magicalness of It all before it just felt, uninteresting? The rain poured but I gave it no mind. I looked around to see the streets empty, perhaps when the rain picked up ponies just simply felt it best to stay inside?

Looking at the restaurants, the stores, the fast-food shops, it all just seemed, irritating?

Everything here has been fucked up beyond recognition. And I just wanted it to stop, everything here reminds me of home. I hate it more than I appreciate it, it makes me angry that I'll be constantly reminded of a place I knew, but can never go back to.

I looked down to see my legs matted, soaked beyond belief while sticking to other hair strands, creating clumps. All I could feel was a coldness, the winds blowing with no heat to take from. From the left corner of my eye, I could see the same couple I saw earlier take refuge in a hotel, the male carried an umbrella in his blue magical hue, it covered the mare. Ushering her to go in with a smile on his lips. I looked away in pain, but when I looked forward, a few steps away I saw a glass pane. The only thing separating the sidewalk I was on was a cobblestone road.

But looking at the glass, I saw It's face, the soaked mane, the drained red that used to be so vibrant in its color. The white that had become muted, darkened, and grayed. And then there was It's expression, a bitter frown with red puffed eyes. The face I was forced to see constantly, through puddles to mirror in any reflection I saw It. Some cheap-looking design of a pony that could be easily used for marketing purposes. But when I saw that face again in the reflection, all that reflected was disgust and anger.

And then I stopped, I looked at It again. Its face morphed with me, expressions copied my own. I smiled, I laughed, I yelled at it from across the street and it copied it. Then It drooped its smile, its eyes sagged and its mane drooped. The eyes slowly dulled and just showed less and less spirit until it stopped copying me.

I lifted a hoof, hesitating before lowering it down to take one step, then two, then three. My body just moved forward, coming closer to the glass wall that kept a copy of me. Closer and closer, I felt the different texture of cobblestone come into my senses but I gave it no mind. I just kept slowly trotting.

And more and more, It copies me, coming closer and closer with me. I went up against the glass, putting Its mane against the cold surface before closing my eyes. I imagined it just being something else from the mediocre beings I've seen. I opened my eyes to find a human, taller than It's size. Brown eyes with black messy hair, so long that Mom would probably force him into a barber shop. The human smiled at that, letting a little laugh with tired eyes and heavy sags.

It was very tired, I could tell it wanted to sleep, it had shown the wear and tear through the eyes as if I could see the soul that was tortured. I shut my eyes and let a few tears well up before falling. I felt the anger, the sadness, the regret. And then, I felt my heart tear into pieces. My throat hitched, the words stayed in my throat as I tried to say the words I wanted to say. But all I could find were the words I never wanted to hear.

"...You can let go now..."

I opened my eyes to see nothing but It in the human's place.

Its eyes began to well up with tears, Its lip quivering in a pathetic attempt to stop the incoming flood of repressed feelings.

And then, I cried.

Author's Note

I originally wanted to have him be hit by a car, a want for death that led him to a more critical condition. But as I wrote it out, I felt that was sloppy, some writing convenience for me to use for them to care about him suddenly. I wanted it to feel like he's battling with his own emotions in a real way. OH! and happy fourth of july! Didn't really realize until later so uhhhh yeah!