Twilight Sparkle Talks To God
Several years into her reign as the Princess of Equestria, Twilight Sparkle had a problem. Though her efforts to bring friendship to the land had succeeded beyond her wildest dreams, and the continued work of her friends had helped to spread that friendship to all corners of Equus, the results weren’t what she had expected. There were still conflicts everywhere she looked, including rather stubborn nations that weren’t interested in becoming friends with their rivals, no matter how many parties Pinkie Pie threw, or how many songs were sung about how friendship was totally radical.
Despondent, yet determined to find a solution, Twilight consulted with Celestia and Luna, talked with all her advisers, and spent hours going through every book, every scroll, and every record of history in the Canterlot archives, searching for the one thing that could finally bring true, lasting peace and harmony to all of Equus, ending war, struggling, and suffering forever.
Her friends had told her that it was a futile effort; the smart thing to do was accept reality and just do her best. But Twilight ignored them; every problem had a solution, and that meant there had to be an answer as to why the world hadn’t achieved 100% peace and harmony.
And then an idea came to Twilight. It wasn’t something she found in a book or scroll, but something that came to her after many days of consulting books about mythology. The next day, she had a private lab installed deep under Canterlot in the foundations of the mountains. And it was there that Twilight retreated every night for over five years, never telling anyone what she was doing, not even Spike when she came out and guzzled down ten gallons of coffee in the castle’s break room at 3 AM.
Finally, the day came. Euphoric, delighted, and proud of herself at what she had accomplished, Twilight summoned all her friends to the castle. And there, sitting upon her throne, she told them what she was going to do.
“You want to do WHAT, Twilight?” Applejack gasped.
Twilight beamed. “Talk to God!”
Applejack stared at her. “You… You want to talk to God?”
“Yes!”
“The Big Gal.”
“Yes!”
“The Creator of all things? The one who keeps the Universe runnin’?”
Twilight nodded.
Shaking her head, Applejack rubbed her face. “Don’t take this the wrong way, Twilight, but that’s one of the dumbest ideas I ever heard.”
Twilight’s grin didn’t fade. “Years ago, I would have agreed with you, Applejack. But for the past five years I’ve been experimenting, studying, and casting spells no pony has ever dreamed of. Now, after countless hours of toil, I’ve finally figured out how to talk to our creator!”
The rest of Twilight’s friends looked to each other, unsure what to make of this revelation.
“But... why, darling?” Rarity said at last. “I mean, this does seem rather... outlandish.”
“Because it’s the once in a lifetime opportunity to communicate with the source of infinite wisdom, knowledge, and understanding! All our questions could be answered! All the answers to our problems would be ours! We could help turn Equus into a utopia!” Unable to contain her excitement, Twilight leapt from the throne. “Come on! Let me show you!”
Taking the others deep beneath the mountain, Twilight led them into her private laboratory. Aside from those who had built it, no one had ever come down here since her experiments had begun. Not that they would have gotten very far past the doors; the lab was packed with every piece of scientific equipment imaginable, several of which were stacked atop one another, the walls plastered with notes and scrolls, and cables dangling from the ceiling like jungle vines.
“For the past five years, I’ve been studying and working to make contact with any dimensions beyond ours," Twilight said. "It’s taken countless hours and countless spells, but I finally accomplished it! I broke through to the Aetherium!”
“The what now?” Rainbow Dash asked.
“The space between spaces! The inter-dimensional void between our universe and the infinite beyond!”
“Ya mind saying that again?” Applejack asked, increasingly uneasy at everything she was witnessing.
Hurrying to a chalkboard, Twilight magically picked up a piece of chalk and drew a pony. “Pretend that this pony here is everything that exists. Our universe – Equus, our galaxy, everything – exists inside this body as a single blood cell.”
“A blood cell?” Pinkie asked. “You mean, we’re all super duper teeny tiny?!”
“It’s an analogy, Pinkie,” Twilight said. “Now, imagine that every other blood cell floating throughout the body is a universe as well. Through my research, study, and experiments, I’ve deduced that what we call God is actually the sum of everything that is! God is the pony, but God is also the organs, the blood, and the cells that make up that blood, and even us!”
Applejack went pale. “Are you sayin’,” she asked, “that God ain't an alicorn?"
"Oh no, not at all! That's just an image that ponies invented long ago. The real God is more like a formless, genderless intelligence that we're a part of!”
Applejack shook.
Twilight entered a passcode on a keypad, and the armored doors sealing the room shut rolled up to reveal a giant, glowing sphere of glass, containing what looked like a miniature, multi-colored vortex.
“What is that?” Spike asked.
“That, Spike, is the result of five years of studying, research, and peering into the Aetherium. I call it the amplifier: just as a speaker amplifies our voice, this device will allow us to get God’s attention!”
“But darling, isn’t God supposed to know everything?” Rarity asked. “I mean, wouldn’t she already know that we’re trying to talk with her?”
“I can’t confirm that, Rarity. Maybe God does know what we’re doing, but is waiting for us to make the first move; maybe God isn't all-knowing and is unaware of what we're doing. Or perhaps God waits for a civilization to reach out before blessing them by talking with them, granting them the gift of knowledge and wisdom, and an eventual ascent to godhood itself!” Twilight squeed, barely able to keep herself from dancing for joy at the thought. “This could be the greatest moment in Equus’ history! We can reach our maximum potential and become like gods ourselves!”
Fluttershy stepped forward. “Uh, Twilight... Not to discount all your hard work and everything you’ve done, but are you sure this is a good idea? I mean, us, talking to God? What... What if God doesn’t want to talk to us?”
“Don’t be silly, Fluttershy!” Twilight said. “Why would God not want to talk to us?”
“Well, I imagine she... if God is a she... must be oh so busy with running everything. She might get... uh... upset at having her attention drawn away from her work, like how dragons get really grumpy if you pull their attention away from their treasures.”
“I’ve thought about that, Fluttershy, but I don’t think that’s going to happen,” Twilight said. “You see, if a being is powerful and knowledgeable enough to create billions of universes and make it possible for life to spring forth from nothing, then that being must also be intelligent to know that life will one day evolve enough to make contact!”
The others mulled Twilight’s words.
“But what if God doesn’t want us to talk to her? I mean, him? Or whatever God is?” Rarity asked. “Perhaps there’s a perfectly good reason we can’t do so?”
“That’s a possibility,” Twilight conceded. “But if God didn’t want us to do this, I would have been stopped by this point. Some cosmic barrier could have stopped me from going as far as I have. But because I’ve been able to access the Aetherium, it’s only logical to assume that we can go forward with our conversation! Besides, if one of your blood cells asked you for help, wouldn't you want to do what you could to help it?”
The others weren't convinced; Twilight had expected that, and saw that they were on the cusp of being swayed to her side. Applejack, in particular, looked like she was about to storm out. Why, Twilight couldn’t imagine; maybe they all just needed that little extra push to persuade them.
“Rarity, imagine it: by talking to God, the most generous being in existence, you would finally learn how to create the most beautiful clothes the world has ever seen!”
“Oh... Well, when you put it like that, darling...”
“Rainbow Dash, you’re one of the greatest fliers—”
“The greatest!”
Twilight chuckled. “Okay, the greatest flier in Equestria. But imagine if God told you how to go even faster, how to do tricks that make a sonic rainboom look like child’s play!”
Dash grinned.
“Pinkie Pie: You and Cheese Sandwich throw the best parties. Now imagine what the smartest being in existence knows about throwing parties! You could throw the biggest, most elaborate parties ever!”
Judging by the way Pinkie was bouncing up and down and talking so fast that she was incomprehensible, Twilight guessed she didn’t need any further convincing.
“Fluttershy, you love animals; imagine how much our creator loves them, too! You could learn how to take care of every single form of life in our world! You could learn how to heal them of every disease, affliction, and illness, and how to make them happy!”
“Oh my... Well, that does sound very tempting...” Fluttershy grinned. “Yes! I want to know how to do that!”
Twilight nodded, and turned to her number one assistant. “Spike—”
“Hey, if you’re onboard with doing this, Twilight, I trust you.”
Smiling, Twilight then went to the one pony who would be the hardest to convince. “Applejack—”
“Don’t bother, Twilight!” Applejack snapped. “I know what you’re gonna say, and I ain’t listenin’!”
“But your apples—”
“Grow perfectly fine as they do now! I know how to deal with the soil, with the droughts, and everything else, and I ain’t taking part of any of this blasphemy! You want to talk to our maker and incur her wrath, well... you go right on ahead!" Turning, she stormed out of the lab. “And don’t come cryin’ to me when she smites you for your pride!”
The others watched her go.
“Well, girls?” Twilight asked. “What do you think?”
“Well... this is a rather difficult proposition, dear,” Rarity said. “I mean, Applejack may have a point... but what you’ve said makes sense as well... and I must admit, I rather like the idea of talking to the source of all creativity, so... I’ll do it!”
“Me too!” Rainbow Dash said.
“For the sake of all the animals, I’ll do it, too!” Fluttershy said.
“Oh my gosh the idea of talking to God and figuring out how to make the best parties ever is SO EXCITING!” Pinkie shrieked.
Twilight grinned. “Then let’s do it.”
***
Twilight couldn’t have chosen a more beautiful day to talk to God: the sky was pristine and the clearest shade of pale blue Equestria had ever seen. On the fields between Ponyville and Canterlot, Twilight stood upon a stage, where the sphere laid upon a cradle of ornate brass and gold.
“Mares and Gentlecolts!” Twilight said as she addressed the crowd. “Today marks the most important day in Equus’ history! While our world has become more peaceful in recent decades, we, as finite beings, can only do so much with our own limited intellect. But now we finally have a once-in-a-lifetime chance to obtain guidance and answers from the being that created us... God!”
Millions of ponies, changelings, griffons, yaks, and other species from all throughout Equus gasped in excitement. No other event in all of Equs’ history had united everyone in a single cause: to receive answers from their creator to the questions that had plagued them their entire lives. What was the purpose of life? Why was there suffering and unhappiness in the world? Why was Spongebob Squaresaddles still running when so many other perfectly good shows had been canceled?
“Now, let us all stand together as one, and hear what our creator has to say!”
Turning, Twilight took hold of the ornate lever at the base of the cradle. She paused for a moment; she was going to talk to the intelligence that had created her, Equus, and everything.
The created was finally going to talk to the Creator.
She pulled the lever.
The cradle lit up; the cables hummed as power flowed into the sphere, which rose high into the sky as the vortex within expanded.
It began to glow.
Twilight shook from excitement.
Golden light appeared within the vortex.
Twilight squeed. It was working!
The light washed over Twilight, the stage, and then everyone beyond. Millions of voices gasped in excitement.
And then, with a final shudder, the vortex stopped. It was fully open, and Twilight could feel something beyond it.
It was watching her.
Shaking, barely able to speak, Twilight composed herself. “God?” she asked. “Are you there? It’s me, Twilight Sparkle.”
This was the moment Twilight had dreaded more than any other: What if Applejack and the others had been right? What if their maker didn’t want to talk to them? What if they would be struck down for their blasphemy?
A sound echoed throughout the sky, washing over the stage, over the fields, and all of Equus. It rang with a clarity more perfect than any diamond, more pristine than the crisp morning air, and more beautiful than the greatest piece of music any mortal being had ever composed on any world.
And then the greatest miracle in history happened.
God spoke.
The air exploded into flames as everyone screamed, their tiny brains imploding at hearing the voice of the Almighty. They were like ants suddenly being subjected to all the energy every star in the universe had ever given off—and would ever give off—in an instant.
It was glorious.
It was terrifying.
It was beautiful.
“HOLY FUCK!” Fluttershy screamed as she exploded.
Rainbow Dash exploded, too. Then Rarity. Then Spike, Mayor Mare, Derpy Hooves, and everyone else near the stage. Pinkie Pie, who was trying to throw God a welcoming party, lasted a fraction of a second longer, but even her reality warping powers were unable to withstand the infinite, and she exploded, too. And beyond the stage, the crowds screamed in ecstasy as they exploded into fountains of gore.
Queen Chrysalis—who had snuck into the crowd to try and assassinate Twilight yet again—swelled up like a balloon as divine love washed over her, and then popped, her blood joining the tidal wave now washing over the fields.
Far away, Applejack was bucking apples at Sweet Apple Acres when she saw the sky erupt into holy fire.
“I WARNED YA, TWILIGHT!” she screamed. “I WARNED—”
Applejack was vaporized into atoms, and then those atoms were vaporized into dust, and then that dust was destroyed with all the pretty little apple trees on Sweet Apple Acres as the tidal wave of blood submerged the valley and swept the mountains away.
Munching carrots near Fluttershy's cottage, Angel Bunny screamed in fear as he felt the air erupting into holy fire. After so many eons, his enemy had found him; his only chance of survival was to return to the infernal realm and take his place again upon the black throne.
Angel Bunny was halfway through reciting the demonic incantation to open a portal when God's voice reached him. Unlike the ponies, the changelings, the griffons, and every other being on the planet, he alone screamed in agony as he was destroyed in both body and spirit.
Twilight, having instinctively cast a shield spell to try and protect herself, was now the only being alive on the planet, but her spell only brought her a few nanoseconds of continued existence. And in those few seconds her hair was burned to ash, her eyeballs melted, and her organs were cooked. And yet, through the unimaginable agony, through a pain that no mortal creature could possibly endure, she shrieked in ecstasy that surpassed even the greatest of orgasms: the unending beauty, infinite power, and limitless intelligence washing over her was beyond comprehension. She felt herself being filled by that intelligence, giving her all the knowledge, wisdom, and understanding she had ever wanted.
She finally knew every secret of life and death.
“I UNDERSTAND!” Twilight screamed as her flesh was ripped from her skeleton. “I FINALLY UNDERSTAND!”
Even without eyes or ears, she became the only being in all the cosmos who had not only heard the voice of God, but saw God’s infinite image.
All she—a mortal seeing perfection without end—could manage was a single sentence.
“IT’S SO BEAUTIFUL!”
Twilight Sparkle exploded, her final scream of bliss lost among the roar of the mountains collapsing, the oceans boiling, and the forests burning to dust. The land quaked, breaking apart, swallowing what remained of civilization on the planet as Equus exploded, the explosion rocketing out throughout the cosmos until the universe itself was wiped clean, every planet, every nebula, and every system was no more.
The universe, now empty, cold, and without any light, lay dead, as were countless others that had come before, and countless others that would come after.
***
On a fragment of rock that had once been Equus, a solitary cockroach crawled onto its surface and started eating a twinkie.
Author's Note
This story was inspired by this video.
