Classified Cunny

His name was Silver Bow and he was a unicorn soldier. True, his ranking was not extremely high and he was not known for great heroics. But he was happy within his platoon. While he was not a leader, he definitely had a penchant for being in the right place at the right time. He would do anything to help the team, and his commanding officers had always taken notice of this. They constantly recommended him for promotions, but he always turned down the offers. He was satisfied with his own team and his own post. He had two or three very good friends within the service and life was good to him.

Well…all except for one regard. He’d never been able to woo a mare. These ponies of the opposite sex created such a spark in him. He was embarrassed to admit it, but at times, he’d attempt to impress one or two of them. Whenever some daring feat needed to be performed, his hoof was always in the running. Unfortunately, there was always somepony bigger…somepony stronger…somepony better looking. His life in the corps might have been good, but he felt the need for a mate to truly put a bow on the present he’d been given. After all, one only lived once, and becoming intimate with a mare just felt like the right thing to do. But all of his varied tries at making a good impression ended in failure.

One night, he was patrolling just outside the castle when he looked up and saw a light in a window. Two silhouettes danced within its frame, moving as if driven by some unknown music. He knew exactly what was going on, and he couldn’t help but feel envious. The wisping shadows were that of Princess Twilight Sparkle and her lover for the evening. The young ruler’s sexuality was common knowledge. However, it was also well known that the specifics of her dealings were kept under strict security. They were classified beyond anyone’s security clearance except for those stallions with whom she shared her bed.

Oh…how I wish I could be one! Silver thought as he felt his heart begin racing. Pictures of the beautiful mare in provocative and loving positions toyed with his mind. These, in turn, caused his heart to thud even faster. His systems began to wake up almost of their own accord. He knew of the classification of Twilight’s bedroom maneuvers. Everything from which positions she enjoyed right down to her vagina itself. Sneaking photos of the princess’s jewel was strictly forbidden, and could gain a pony a solid year in prison. Selling said pictures was even worse, and the punishment was ramped up to a decade. Twilight did not enjoy publicizing that which was meant to be private.

But still, Silver Bow longed deeply to be able to share an evening with the princess. While the stallions that did mate with her were bound to secrecy, he could still read their faces. Whenever they returned from a session, they were coated in sweat but had huge smiles plastered on their visages. They’d stumble past him, mumble something of a greeting, and then retire to their quarters. He always wondered just what went on behind that locked door. What kind of beauty awaited those who were lucky enough to be granted access to Twilight’s inner sanctum? He was determined to find out, so he decided he’d apply for one of the magical yellow passes that pushed a stallion into the stratosphere of sexuality.

So one day, he went to see his commanding officer, General Left Hoof. Left was well known for his shrewdness in battle and tactical efficiency. He was also known for having one of the greatest senses of humor in the entire army. But when business needed to be taken care of, he could always be counted on. Princess Celestia had decorated him quite extensively, and the two shared something of a romance. In fact, the relationship had extended into her retirement, and they had plans to marry and live together when the time was right. It was such a sure thing that Celestia already had her engagement ring.

But Silver was there for something else, so he stood at attention and saluted Left Hoof. “Good morning, sir!”

“Good morning, soldier!” Left said, returning the salute, “please, have a seat.”

Silver used his magic to pull up a chair and sat down. “Sir, I’ve come to see you on a rather urgent matter.”

“Well, my boy, it must be urgent,” Left said, “you left your post.”

“I’m sorry, sir, but I did get one of my underlings to help watch it.”

Left Hoof eyed him. “Yes, indeed. Silver, you’re one of our finest soldiers, and I trust your judgment implicitly. But…if your underling fucks up…it’s on you.”

“I understand, sir.”

“Good,” Left said, before smiling warmly, “now we can get down to business. I believe I know what you’re here for.”

“You…do, sir?”

“Yes, and stop calling me ‘sir’ with every last comment. You’ll ruin the fun of being in charge.”

“Sorry, sir-er-sorry, General.”

Left Hoof smiled again. “Look, Silver, I know that you’re here for a pussy pass.”

“A pussy pass?”

Left chuckled at the innocent way Silver said it. “Yes, soldier, a pussy pass. You know, a ‘free to fuck whenever’ card.”

Silver looked at the ground. He knew of the solders’ tendency to label things with much more crassness than the average pony. But this was Twilight! It was her sexuality, her sensuousness, and her privacy that were being mocked. He suddenly felt a good deal of anger towards those who would dare trivialize something so special. Sleeping with Twilight was like receiving a beautiful gift. One didn’t go around slamming it on walls and crushing it underneath hammers and such. No! One was careful with it because it reminded them of the pony that gave it to them. Twilight’s vagina, anus, and other sexual organs were like those gifts.

“Begging your pardon, General,” Silver said, “but…doesn’t it seem wrong to speak of Princess Twilight’s sex life in such a manner?”

“My dear boy, Twilight’s sex life is spoken of daily in the streets. Her stamina is legendary, and her kitty is the stuff epic stories are built out of. That’s why only a few select ponies are allowed to see it, touch it, and make love to it. If our dear ruler allowed everyone to take shots at her, she’d never get anything done. It would be a 24/7 train of dicks and cunts searching for that forbidden area between her legs. No, my boy, speaking of Twilight’s sex in such frank terms is not only welcomed, but actually encouraged, for in this way we help to contain the classification. It diffuses the legendary status of Twilight’s reproductive system and makes her appear as just another pony. Silver, I’ve got news for you: the term ‘pussy pass’ wasn’t just made up by a soldier. It was born on the streets of Canterlot.”

“Well, in that case, then I’d like a pussy pass, please.”

Left Hoof began chuckling. “Oh, my boy, I cannot grant you such access. But, considering all of your help within the platoon, I shall recommend you for one. Here, take this piece of paper to Princess Twilight herself. She’ll be able to guide you from there.”