I Cast Gun

by hamster wizard

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Profanity, Random, Violence, Sex, Twilight Sparkle, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 11195

Twilight just invented a new spell! Join her and her friends as she spreads the good word of gun!

It cooks! It cleans! It doesn't actually do that! But it does shoot real good!

Since the dawn of time, ponies have asked themselves the important questions: Why are we here? What is my purpose? What is that fastest way to blast a hole through my kitchen door? Science has the answer! And the answer is gun.

Now join the most purple of princesses on a magical adventure! With proper application of gun, there's no problem that can't be solved!

Contains: Cursing, sexual innuendo, gun.

11/15/2020: Updated description to be more descriptive.

Note: I didn't change the Japanese text for the cover art. If you can read Japanese please pretend they all say gun so that everyone thinks I'm cool.

Published 2020-11-15 13:20:00 UTC
Last updated 2020-11-22 19:17:48 UTC

The Rarity

“BANG!”

“What the shit!” Rarity let out a particularly unladylike curse as she jumped out of her skin and practically fell over.

A terrifying crack had burst forth from the doorway, and she quickly turned around to investigate. Standing before her was her friend Twilight, grinning ecstatically as a trail of gray smoke wafted from the tip of her horn. A fleck of plaster fell down before her, and Rarity glanced up to see a lovely hole punctured in her ceiling.

“Oi, Twilight!” Rarity greeted her friend with a forced smile. She smoothed her mane a tad, hoping that Twilight hadn’t noticed the brief slip of her accent. “What’re ya, I mean, whatever was that dreadful noise!? And why can’t I hear anything?!

“That’s gun!” Twilight said in a thrilled tone.

“What!?” Rarity leaned in as she shouted.

“That’s my new spell! I call it gun!”

“WHO’S A NUN?!” Rarity was practically screamed.

Twilight frowned a bit and responded, “Not nun! Gun!”

“I AGREE, THIS IS NO FUN!”

“Forget it! Just wait a second!”

“YOU’VE BEEN HIT!? Oh wait, it’s all coming back in.” Rarity took a deep breath, relishing in the return of her senses. “Ah, much better. Now, what the shit Twilight?”

Twilight’s maniacal grin returned, “It’s gun!”

“Gun?” Rarity asked with a concerned look on her face.

“Yes gun! Your new best friend! The ultimate problem solver!”

“Oh.” Rarity didn’t know what precisely to be impressed about, and settled on a neutral expression, “May I see it?”

“No.”

“Ah.” Rarity looked at Twilight, hoping to prompt a further explanation. After a moment of silence she asked, “Well why not?”

“It’s a spell. You cast it.” Twilight explained matter of factly.

“And it’s called gun?”

“Indeed.”

“Why? What is gun?”

“You see, the name is derived from a specific historical weapon, the Domina Gunhilda, a certain ballista of particularly large specifications. The term Gunhilda itself is derived from the old Horse name Gunhildr, a combination of two Horse words pertaining to battle.”

Rarity stared at her, “What does that mean?”

“It means I named it gun because it shoots real good. By the by-” Twilight cut herself off to fish into her saddlebag, pulling something out, “Earplugs! Blessed be!” She passed a pair to Rarity, who obliged and crammed them in.

“So, what now?”

Twilight turned to face a standing mirror on the far end of Rarity’s design studio. She took an offensive stance as her horn lit with a magical aura, “Now, I focus my magic, an explosive force ready to burst forth from my horn! Welling up, closer and closer to the climax! Here it comes!”

“Oh behave!”

“And then, you stand erect, thrust forward and… BANG!” Another shot fired off from her horn, breaking both the sound barrier and Rarity’s mirror. Twilight blew upwards on her smoking horn.

“And voila!” She said proudly.

“Oh well, that was impressive wasn’t it? So will you be paying for my new cheval mirror? Those are expensive you know.” Rarity said sounding unimpressed.

“Thank you Rarity, this is my crowning achievement, if I do say so myself.”

“And so modest too.”

“Do you want to learn it?” Twilight looked at her friend with wide glistening eyes.

“Gun? Er, I’m not so sure.”

“Come on, it’s easy, I practically taught you already! Even a foal could use it!”

“CAN I TRY?!”

“GAH!” Both of them exclaimed as they turned to the doorway, seeing that the question had come from an excited looking Sweetie Bell watching the display.

“Sweetie Bell, how long have you been standing there?!” Rarity asked with concern.

“THE ENTIRE TIME! CAN I HAVE SOME EARPLUGS?! ALSO WHAT DOES CLIMAX MEAN?!” Sweetie Bell hopped up and down slightly as she yelled.

A few moment later Sweetie had finished putting in her earplugs, and her hearing had had a chance to return. She ran up to Twilight, and looked up at her with large awestruck eyes, “This is much better, thanks Twilight! So, can I gun? Please!” She pleaded.

Rarity blanched, “Sweetie, I appreciate your enthusiasm for learning. But the thing is, this is a serious spell. It’s not the sort of thing that children should be playing with.” She turned around and paced toward the window, “This kind of power should only be used by responsible adults. We can’t have children running around playing with something so dangerous!

“BANG!” Sweetie shouted, followed by another gunshot.

“FUCKING FUCK!” Rarity yelled as she spun, seeing a fresh hole in the ceiling and a thrilled Sweetie Bell with a smoking horn.

“Thanks Twilight! I’m gonna go gun all over town! BANG!” Sweetie fired another shot toward the ceiling as she dashed out of the room.

Twilight wistfully watched her run off, “Ah, youth. Treasure it Sweetie Bell. Treasure it dearly.” She sounded quite proud.

“Twilight, darling. My chum.” A chill crept into Rarity’s tone, “Why?”

“Why what?” Twilight asked innocently.

“Do I really need to explain it?”

“Are you asking why I taught your sister how to use the gun spell?” Twilight guessed.

“No.”

“Oh, well then--”

“Yes I’m asking that!” Shouted Rarity.

“Well, because she asked.”

“Fantastic” Rarity facehooved, slowly dragging her hoof down. Revealing her exhausted complexion, “Twilight. You’re my friend, one of my very best even. I love you. And please understand when I say this, but I love my sister more.”

“That’s really sweet Rarity. Family is important after all.”

“Let me finish. I love my sister more than anything in the world. She’s very dear to me. I love her but she’s a menace. Have you ever thought about why she lives with me, her elder sister, instead of her perfectly capable and able-bodied parents?”

“Oh! Well, no. I suppose I haven’t.” Twilight sat on the floor as she pondered this.

“Let me tell you why. She burned down our house.”

There was a tentative pause. Twilight looked to Rarity expecting more to the story.

“And?” She finally asked.

“Then she burned it down a second time.”

“Well, these things happen.”

“Once. They happen once. It’s expected that you won’t let a repeat of such an event transpire. So now she lives with me, and now it’s my job to keep her from safe and secure. There isn’t a single fire source in this building. I don’t own a stove. And lo and behold Twilight, please tell me what you just did.” Rarity evened a glare at her friend as she gave the order.

“I taught her the gun spell!” Came Twilight’s enthusiastic response.

“Yes! That you did darling. Darling, you did indeed do that darling. Didn’t you darling?” Her voice began to drift off as she went on.

“Are you okay Rarity?” Said Twilight, sounding a bit more concerned.

“Yes darling, I’m perfect. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go after my sister. Please, feel free to knock down a few walls before you leave. Ta ta!” Rarity shambled out of the room, grabbing nearby fire extinguisher off the wall as she left.

Twilight watched her leave before turning to look at herself in the broken mirror. “She must be having a rough day.” Twilight then stood up, and enthusiastically said, “Oh well, science waits for no mare!”

Author's Note

I read about the origin of the word gun on Wikipedia. I didn't fact check it. I'm the unconfirmed source your history teacher warned you about.

The Question

Twilight was standing in grassy patch around Ponyville, looking up at a fluffy cloud. Laying upon which was Rainbow Dash, apparently taking an afternoon nap. Twilight simply charged her horn.

“BANG!” A shot went straight up into the air, breaking the silence.

“Cocksucker!” Rainbow Dash swore as she flailed around, knocking a bag of potato chips and a book off her cloud. Her movements also rattled the cloud to such a degree that it let loose a lightning bolt, sailing toward the ground.

It just so happened that at that exact moment, Lyra and Bon Bon were taking a pleasant stroll, and were currently directly beneath Rainbow’s cloud. The bolt arced and quickly electrocuted Lyra, singeing her badly and knocking her to the ground.

“Heh, I bet you are.” Twilight amused herself with her little joke. She then noticed Lyra laying on the ground looking far crispier than usual. “Oh.”

Bon Bon knelt to the ground and embraced her fallen friend. “Lyra! Noooooo! My best friend!” She wailed.

Lyra groaned slighty, “I’m not dead.”

“Lyra! You’re alive! It’s a miracle!” Bon Bon lit up with joy, and then whiffed the air, looking disgusted. “What’s that smell?”

“That’s my skin. Call me an ambulance.” Lyra coughed a bit as she rasped out her request.

“You’re an ambulance!” Both of them glared at Twilight as she definitely crossed the line. “Did I say that out loud?”

Ignoring her, Bon Bon slung her friend across her back and ran off toward the hospital. Twilight; now focused on more important things, and aghast at seeing Rainbow's book on the ground, picked it up and brushed a chip off the cover.

“Rockhoof’s Other Hammer? Written by B.J. Bunnyhopper.” Both the title and cover art of the book perplexed her greatly. She looked up and Rainbow’s perch and asked, “Is this historical fiction?”

Like a flash, Ranbow Dash swooped down and swiped the paperback from Twilight’s grasp. She clutched it to her chest for dear life and leveled a deadly stare at her friend.

“Yes.”

“Because I’ve never heard of this author before, has she written anything I might know?”

“No, uh, I don’t think so.” Rainbow tucked the novel under her wing nervously.

“I know you liked Daring Do a lot, is it similar to that?”

“Yes!” Rainbow said all too suddenly. Catching herself, she evened out her tone. “Very similar. In certain ways.”

Twilight gave her a sidelong glance, “Well, I’m glad to see you broadening you horizons.” She said with a hint of skepticism. “But enough about that! How did you like my new spell!?”

Rainbow Dash had bent over to pick up her bag of chips, and mumbled a response with the bag clenched in her teeth, “Ew sell?” She pulled the bag from her teeth before continuing, “You mean that stupid noise you made? Gonna be honest here Twi, your spell blows.”

“Like somepony else I know.”

Rainbow furrowed her brow, “What was that?”

“I’m sorry, I need help. Please don’t hate me. But my new spell! It’s not just noise! It does things!” She smiled as though this was the only explanation required.

“Things?” Rainbow sounded unconvinced.

“Lots!”

“Like what?” She asked cautiously.

“I’ll show you! Follow me o’ pally pal o’ mine!” With a skip in her step, Twilight lead her friend off to commit new atrocities.

The Pitch

Fluttershy stood before a tall oak tree next to a row of shops, staring up into it’s branches. She looked rather concerned as Twilight inched closer, followed by a hovering Rainbow Dash.

“Fluttershy! What’s going on?” Twilight asked.

“Oh! Hi Twilight. Hi Rainbow.” She sounded rather dejected. “Harry the Hedgehog got himself stuck in a tree.” She glanced back into the branches. Following her gaze, Twilight could make out the pathetic creature sitting on a high branch.

“Flutters.” Rainbow deadpanned. “You can fly. Just go get him.”

“Oh no, Harry is afraid of pegasi.” Fluttershy explained.

Twilight and Rainbow Dash had no immediate response to this information. Yet after a prolonged silence, Rainbow broached, “You’re a pegasus.”

“Yes.” Fluttershy’s response was curt and direct.

Rainbow facehooved at this, accidentally dropping her novel in the process. Fluttershy quickly picked it up and looked at Rainbow disapprovingly. “Rainbow, are you reading your smut in public again?”

“Drink piss Shy.” Rainbow swore.

“Only if it’s yours.” Fluttershy said with a smug grin.

Rainbow’s frown deepened as Twilight visibly recoiled, “Augh. Ew. No! Never. Never ever again! Don’t ever say those words in that order. Ever. Fucking hell Fluttershy.” Twilight said, looking as though she were about to puke.

“Look, he got himself up there. Can’t he get himself down?” Rainbow asked her.

“No, hedgehogs are notoriously useless. He’s certainly stuck.” Said Fluttershy, nodding at her own statement.

Slowly, a large smile crept across Twilight’s face, “In that case, this seems like a job for your new best friend!” Twilight said enthusiastically, striking a small pose.

Fluttershy looked down dejectedly, “Um, Twilight? I though you were my best friend. Also don’t be upset but I’m working on getting the tattoo removed.” Fluttershy rubbed her leg slightly as she said this.

Twilight looked to her in shock, “What!? But the tattoo is awesome!” As she yelled this, she pressed herself to Fluttershy’s side. Bringing their forelegs together, two half heart tattoos fit together forming a full heart spelling out ‘Bad Bitches’ across it. However, as Fluttershy had gotten some of her side removed, the phrase looked more like ‘Bad itch’ which was bad in an entirely different way.

Rainbow Dash smirked a bit, “Awesome.”

“It’s nothing personal Twilight. I just feel like ponies get the wrong impression of me when I walk around with a tattoo like that.” Fluttershy said as she hid behind her mane slightly.

“But Fluttershy! It’s a commemoration of our friendship! Don’t you remember the night we got it?”

“I could never forget. I still have nightmares about it. That horrible night, and what you did to that poor narwhal.” Fluttershy closed her eyes and shivered.

“Heh, yeah. Good times.” Twilight zoned out a bit, looking out into nowhere. “But enough of that! Fluttershy! My second best friend!”

Fluttershy sniffed a little at this.

“Have I got something for you!”

Rainbow Dash passed Fluttershy a pair of earplugs, which she graciously accepted. At the same time she shot her a look that read: Kill me and then kill yourself before it’s too late.

“Have you ever thought: Oh boy, I sure am Fluttershy and I need to get my stupid pet Henry the hedgehog out of this dumb tree!”

“Who thinks like that?” Fluttershy interrupted, “I already know I’m Fluttershy, it’s not like it’s a conscious decision. And yes I know he’s stupid but his name is Harry.

“Shut up! I’m doing a thing!” Twilight let out a sigh as she regained her composure. “So, what am I, the very yellow Fluttershy to do in such a scenario?” She said in a way that made Fluttershy suddenly very aware of her yellowness. “Let me tell you! With the power of, gun, anything is possible! Observe!” At this, Twilight turned to face the tree. Rainbow motioned for Fluttershy to put in her earplugs, and the two stood back and watched.

“Twilight, don’t shoot the damn hedgehog.” Said, Rainbow.

“Rainbow! I’m hurt! I’d never do that to such a poor defenseless creature.” Twilight said sounding completely unhurt.

“What about the narwhal?” Fluttershy asked quietly.

Turning to face her friends, Twilight responded, “Have you seen those things? They’re huge! I’d hardly call them defenseless. Besides, they’ve got that big goofy horn coming out of their head! It’s perfect for skewering ponies alive!” She flipped back around to face the tree. “Now sit back and watch the shama lama magic at work!

“BANG!”

She fired the familiar spell directly at the tree trunk, blasting a hole clean through it. The entire tree shook from the impact, and the hedgehog rattled around, dropping out of the branches into Twilight’s waiting magical grasp. “And just like that! One hedgehog!” She then noticed the creature was completely still. “Oh. Shy your pet is dead.” She said a sounding a bit disappointed as she hoofed it over.

“It’s fine, he just had another heart attack. It happens all the time.” Fluttershy took a very small defibrillator out of her bag and rubbed the paddles together. “Clear.” She said in a tiny voice right before giving the hedgehog a jump start. He regained consciousness, much to Fluttershy’s relief. Upon realizing how close he was to the pegasus he quickly began squirming violently in an attempt to escape, only for Fluttershy to hold him tighter. “Well, thank you Twilight. I guess.” It didn’t sound as though she meant it.

“Yes! Another point for science!” Twilight pumped her hoof in the air.

“Couldn’t you have just teleported him down?” Rainbow asked bitterly.

Twilight seemed unbothered by the pessimism as she went on, “Semantics Dash. You need to see the big picture. The forest for the trees if you will.” As she said this the oak began groaning, slowly chipping and splintering around the hole Twilight had made as it creaked. The three ponies watched helplessly as the tree fell over, crashing through the front display of a nearby stationary store.

Twilight opened her mouth ready to comment, but thought better of it. Surely the store owner would understand the irony.

The Deal

It was a new day in Ponyville. Birds were singing as the early morning sunshine crept through Twilight’s blinds, waking the mare. She tossed in her covers, burying her face in an attempt to block out the offending rays. This proved futile, as after a few scant minutes her alarm clock went off furiously, destroying any hope of returning to a peaceful sleep. Twilight lit her horn.

“BANG!”

Satisfied that her alarm clock had been vanquished, she started her day.

“Morning!” Spike cheerfully greeted Twilight as she made her way into the kitchen. He was reading the paper while wearing a lovely monogrammed bathrobe and drinking a cup of coffee. He helpfully slid an extra cup over to Twilight, which she accepted.

“Mmm.” She hummed as she took a long sip. “Spike, you’re a saint.”

“Don’t I know it.” He responded. The two of them shared an uneventful breakfast. Making idle conversation.

“So, any news today?” Twilight asked.

“Not much. Although apparently there’s been a streak of mysterious vandalism throughout town. Strangely enough ponies are reporting loud booming noises nearby whenever the damage is discovered.” Spike relayed between bites.

“That is odd.” Twilight sipped her coffee.

After eating Twilight quickly jumped up and made her way to the castle entrance. It was the beginning of a new day! And that meant another day to show everypony the glorious power of gun! She threw open her front door only to see her good friend Applejack, standing poised to knock on the door. Caught rather off guard by Twilight’s timing, she slowly lowered her hoof. “Uh, mornin’ Twi.”

“Applejack! How kind of you to drop by on this fine day! To what do I owe the pleasure?” Spoke Twilight, sounding quite pleased to see her friend.

Applejack took off her hat and looked to her friend with concern, “Well sugercube, I hate to ask for your help like this, but I reckon you’re the best pony to ask.”

Twilight let out a dramatic gasp, “Could it be!? Is this a-” She paused for dramatic effect. “Friendship problem?”

Applejack frowned, “Not really. Those damn Flim Flam brothers are all set up near my farm again. I was wondering if you could come on down and drive em off.” She explained.

“Why? What are they doing this time? Selling babies? No, eating babies?”

Applejack seemed concerned, “What the hell girl? No this is far worse.”

“Both?”

“Twilight, they’re selling mineral water.” Applejack sounded dead serious.

Twilight cocked her head, “Uh, okay? I’ve never heard of that. What is it?”

“It’s some tomfoolery is what it is. They had some big ol’ sales pitch about it, how it’s good for your skin and what not. I tried it. Tastes just like regular water only worse. Anyhow, they’re set up right down the road from my farm, and I need somepony to get rid of em.”

“You want me shoot them?” Asked Twilight helpfully.

“What?” Applejack didn’t quite understand.

“With my new gun spell. It fires a smalll ballistic projectile at supersonic speeds. It should be more than capable of eliminating your undesirable extended family.”

“Holy- no! Don’t do that!” Applejack waved her hooves defensively.

“Well what do you want then?”

“You’re a princess! Just tell em to hightail it on out or something!”

“That sounds like the opposite of a solution that involves the use of gun.”

At that moment, Spike walked into the entryway, and overheard the last bit of conversation. “What does?”

“The Flim Flam brothers. AJ wants them gone.” Twilight supplied.

“Oh." Spike rubbed his chin, "Want me to get my nunchucks?”

“Maybe later. Applejack seems to want this resolved nonviolently, for some pathetic reason.” Twilight said condescendingly.

“I’m right here ya know!”

“Hi AJ!” Spike gave her a little wave.

Applejack sighed, “Hi Spike.”

“I can’t ignore a friend asking for help! But I also must demonstrate the multifaceted utility of my creation! What to do?" Twilight dramatically put a hoof to her forehead as she lamented.

After pondering for a bit, Spike raised a hand, “Okay, I have an idea.” he said resolutely.

Twilight quickly bounced back, beaming at her companion, “Hit me with it!”

“So, I watched this movie last night.”

Applejack rolled her eyes, “Here we go.”

̿̿ ̿̿ ̿̿ ̿'̿'\̵͇̿̿\ :twilightsmile: /̵͇̿̿/'̿'̿ ̿ ̿̿ ̿̿ ̿̿

Flim and Flam stood by the side of the dirt road with a large cart and a small popup stand they had set up. A large number of crates were loaded on the stationary cart, and a few were unloaded beside the stand. Sitting on display at the stand itself were several clear bottles of water labeled: “Flim Flam Brother’s Famous Appleachia Springs Mineral Water” complete with a serene picture of a mountain range. There were no other ponies around at the moment, so Flim idly counted a pile of bits as his brother unloaded a few extra crates.

But here comes trouble. Twilight Sparkle teleported in out of nowhere; standing proud and smiling, shocking both of the brothers. She quickly turned to them and spoke, “Greetings! I, princess Twilight Sparkle, have a business proposition for you!” Her grin unsettled the two.

Flim, the closer of the two, eyed her suspiciously, “What kind of proposition?”

“I’m personally very interested in your mineral water! For a small fee, I’ll endorse your product to all of Equestria! Think of it, with the word of a princess, your strange little water selling business will explode!” Twilight spoke with a certain flair to her voice.

Still a bit wary, but obviously interested, Flam jumped off of the cart. “This does sound… interesting. What’s your price exactly?”

“Just 10 bits upfront! Think of it, Twilight Sparkle, that’s me, selling your wares across the globe! You can’t lose!”

The brothers shared a glance, and then Flim asked, “That’s rather cheap for the endorsement of a princess. Why so little?”

“Um, because I’m crazy?”

Flam spoke next, “I’m not sure that’s a great reason, but this sounds splendid! You’re hired!”

Twilight smiled broadly, “Fantastic! With me on your side, you’ll sell more water than should be legal! Why, here comes a customer now!”

Coming down the road, the three ponies could see what was obviously Spike wearing a tuxedo and a long, curly mustache, walking with a swanky whalebone cane. He had a strange swagger to his step as he walked, stopping a few feet away from them. “Why hello there young ponies! My name is Duke S. Pike, and I’m interested in buying your stupid water shit.”

Looking confused, Flim asked, “Hey, aren’t you Twilight’s little dragon pal she’s always with?”

“No. That’s not me.” Duke S. Pike twirled his mustache with a claw, bearing a cheesy gin.

“Good enough! How much water do you want?” Flim took out a notepad.

“Why, I’m so fabulously rich, that I would like to buy all of it of course!” The duke said dramatically.

The brothers shared a smug look, Flim then said, “Perfect! Let me just tally up the price for you real quick-”

“No need my illustrious business partners, I shall make this sale!” Twilight interjected as she shoved the two to the side, “Duke, one as wealthy as you can certainly understand supply and demand. Your demand right now is all of the supply. Which means there’s no more supply to meet the demand! As such, it would seem something close to, say, one million bits is a fair price?”

“One- one million!?” Both the brothers sputtered at her price.

The duke chuckled, “Why, that’s a bit high for this water! I didn’t become so fabulously rich by rolling over and accepting bad business deals! I would say this is worth no more than five bits!” He didn’t waver a bit.

Twilight looked deeply offended, “You bastard!” She lit her horn, and quickly fired three gunshots toward him. He immediately went down face-first like a sack of potatoes, pooling red around his body. Twilight cheered up almost instantly, “Well, that’s taken care of. You two! Help me dispose of the body would you?” She asked innocently.

Watching the display, the two brothers found themselves at a loss for words. They glanced at each other, daring the other to speak first.

“Brother?” Asked Flim at last.

“Yes Brother?” Responded Flam.

“I’m scared!”

“Me too!”

“Let’s scram!” With that the two of them bolted, leaving behind their supplies. A moment later Flam returned briefly to collect the bits they had left behind before darting off.

Twilight watched them go, smiling to herself. “Another victory for gun! And just like AJ asked, nopony was hurt!” She looked down at the duke, and kicked his body slightly. “Hey Spike, they’re gone. Get it together.”

Groaning, Spike pushed himself to his feet, wiping a bit of red off his face. He stuck a finger in his mouth, licking off what to any close observer was clearly ketchup. “I told you this would work! Careful where you shoot next time though, I swear those shots went right by my head!”

“I had to, it wouldn’t look convincing if I was aiming off into space. Besides, don’t you trust my aim?” She smiled at her friend. He glared at her for a second, before softening up, and the two of them shared a good laugh. Eventually, Spike had to ask:

“Now what do we do with all these stupid water bottles?”

̿̿ ̿̿ ̿̿ ̿'̿'\̵͇̿̿\ :twilightsmile: /̵͇̿̿/'̿'̿ ̿ ̿̿ ̿̿ ̿̿

Lyra lay in a hospital bed, wrapped head to tail in gauze. She was slowly eating a sandwich held to her mouth by her friend Bonbon when a knock came at the door. Trotting over, Bonbon was confused as a delivery stallion stood there with a hoofcart stacked with two large crates. “Is this Lyra’s room?” He asked in a bored tone.

Bonbon looked at him skeptically, “Yes? What’s all this?” He handed her a small hoofwritten note in response. She glanced down at it, and read it aloud. “Lyra, sorry about the electrical burns. Here’s 1,000 gallons of mineral water to make up for it. Twilight.” She looked up at the stallion, expecting some sort of joke.

“So where can I set this? I got 48 more crates outside to bring in.”

Bonbon shut the door in his face. “Princess of Friendship my ass.”

The Fight

It was a Sunday. Twilight sat on the balcony of her castle, taking in the warmth of the sun as she reclined in a sun lounger wearing a totally wicked pair of shades.

Several of her “Twilighting” meltdowns ago, her friends had told her she needed to chill out a bit. Of course that’s not exactly accurate, Rainbow’s phrasing was something along the lines of: “Get that stick out of your ass before you get an ulcer ya freak,” but Twilight and her friends had an understanding, and she took the advice to heart. She had cut her research time down to 16 hours a day; 14 on weekends, and had scheduled in a 15 minute dedicated relaxation period every day at noon, which she currently availed herself of.

Unfortunately, an amateur stage magician and general nuisance by the name of Trixie currently stood below the balcony, and shouted up to her, “Twilight Sparkle! The Great and Powerful Trixie must speak with you!”

Twilight, quickly deciding she had no room in her schedule for whatever nonsense this was, tactically ignored the mare.

“Didn’t you hear Trixie! Twilight! Twiggles! Twilight-a-rooney! Big T!” Trixie continued. Twilight responded by pretending to fall asleep.

However, she forgot to account for Trixie’s general lack of geniality. She had also declined to lock her front door. Because this is Ponyville, and she was pretty sure the crime rate was currently in the negative. Due to these circumstances, Trixie soon stood in front of the princess on her balcony, blocking her sun and looking really pissed. Twilight took off her glasses and narrowed her eyes. “Sup.”

Trixie stomped a hoof, “Do not ‘sup’ me Twilight Sparkle! The Great and Powerful Trixie has come here on an important matter, and she will be taken seriously!” She shouted at her, looking ready to burst.

“Well, when she gets here, I’ll be sure to remember that.” Twilight casually set her shades on and laid her head back

“You know Trixie is right here!”

Twilight didn’t even look at her as she responded, “Where? Is she invisible? Oh Trixie? Where art thou?”

“Trixie is Trixie!” Trixie began to turn red as she yelled.

Twilight was smiling at this point. She said nothing.

“FINE! I AM TRIXIE!” She shouted. After her short outburst, she looked dejected as she breathed heavily.

Twilight stood up, folded her sunglasses and set them aside, “Was that so difficult?”

Trixie set a heavy frown as she spoke, “I don’t even care anymore. Why can’t you just let me do my shtick? I have so little. You’re the literal princess of friendship, throw me bone here!”

“Come on Trixie you know how this game is played by now; you hate me, I hate you, we do this little dance of ours, and everypony moves on with their lives. It’s not my fault you’re so bad at it.” Twilight inspected her hoof as she spoke.

“Don’t try to confuse me with your silly metaphors Sparkle! I’m here for one reason and one reason only! I challenge you to a duel!” Trixie jabbed a hoof toward Twilight as she shouted.

Twilight yawned.

“A proper duel this time! There will be no confusion, and Trixie will once and for all be declared superior!” She truck a spectacular pose, wind blowing her cape dramatically.

“Pass.”

Trixie did a double take, “Pass? What do you mean pass!?”

“I pass. Don’t wanna do it. Go bug Starlight or something.” She stepped back inside the castle. Trixie quickly gave chase.

“You can’t pass!”

Twilight walked down the hall, straightening a rather smart painting of herself as she walked past, “Yes I can, have you even studied dueling laws? I’d think that would be a priority for you before pulling this shit.”

Trixie chased after her, “I know you can, I’m saying that if you do that than Trixie wins by default! And you don’t want that, do you Sparkle?” She said smugly, assuming she had trapped the princess.

“Don’t care. I already beat you once, so nopony else will either.”

“But Trixie has grown more powerful than you could possibly imagine!”

“You were literally possessed last time, easily ten times stronger than your normal state. You stole Pinkie’s mouth. Speaking of which, I haven’t seen Pinkie in days, which is a bit concerning. The point is, you lost then, and now I’m a demigod, so I doubt your chances have improved.

“Well what about this then!?” Trixie powered up her horn for a spell, “BANG!” Naturally, Twilight had an invisible barrier spell surrounding her at all times. As the shot rang out, it pinged harmlessly off of Twilight’s force field.

Twilight frowned, “You dare use my own spells against me Lulamoon? Who taught you gun anyway?”

Trixie looked rather annoyed at her failure, but responded nonetheless, “It was the white one’s sister, whatever her stupid name was. Sweaty Balls or something like that. Trixie saw her giddily shooting at the town hall and demanded she teach her the spell!”

Twilight frowned at this. She had assumed that Sweetie Belle would have used her spell more wisely. Teaching it to Trixie was absolutely deplorable.

“She initially told Trixie to eat her shorts, but obliged happily when I paid her 5 bits!” Trixie seemed rather proud of this tidbit.

“While that’s not as terrible, I’ll need to have a talk with her about proper negotiation tactics. She should’ve bled you dry for it.” The two of them came to a stop in front of one of the castle’s many doors, which Twilight rapped on twice. After a short moment, Spike answered the door.

“Yo.” He spoke casually, leaning on the door frame.

“Spike, can you get Trixie out of here? She’s interrupting my regularly scheduled me time.”

“Trixie can show herself out thank you!”

Twilight glanced at her. “Will you?”

“No! She intends to raid your kitchen, and then clog your toilet!” Trixie sounded quite happy as she yelled. “Out of spite!”

Spike and Twilight shared a look, and she said, “Do the thing.”

He nodded, and breathed his green fire on the offending mare. Trixie screamed as the flames licked at her coat. It quickly engulfed her, and not a trace of her remained.

“Well, that’s over with.” Twilight conjured a pocket watch and checked the time. “I’ve got about 8 minutes left of R&R, do you want to do anything Spike?”

Spike shrugged, “I mean, I was just watching anime. You’re free to join if you want.”

“Oh, well what’s it about?”

Twilight could make out the sound of what seemed to be a Neighponese mare screaming in pleasure coming from Spike’s room.

“It complicated.”

̿̿ ̿̿ ̿̿ ̿'̿'\̵͇̿̿\ :twilightsmile: /̵͇̿̿/'̿'̿ ̿ ̿̿ ̿̿ ̿̿

Princess Celestia was currently attending a fundraiser event; a rather common use of her time. It had been going quite well, with the usual crowd of wealthy aristocrats hob-nobbling and whatnot. Although looking out, Celestia couldn't help but feel there were too many ponies from Ponyville attending. The princess currently found herself quite bored at the banality of it all. At least nothing had gone wrong yet. On cue, princess Luna walked over to her sister, holding a glass of champagne and looking extremely worn out.

“Sister, thine gathering is shite. Where art the raucous debauchery? Thy mares of the evening? There hast not been a single flogging. And dost thou expect us to get turnt on this feeble swill?” She downed her champagne in a single motion and chucked the glass over her shoulder. “Uppeth thy game sister.”

As if summoned by divine will, Trixie appeared in a wisp of green flame near Celestia; flailing her legs several feet above a guest table. She landed face first, ruining somepony’s delicious looking salad and planting her ass on the face of a wealthy looking stallion in an undignified manner. Her horn went off, blasting a gun spell into the leg of a passing waiter. Knocked off balance and wailing in pain, he tripped, spilling a bowl of steaming minestrone directly on PWF star Pondré the Giant. Pondré, a massive mountain of a stallion, grinned as he lifted the poor waiter overhead with ease and hurled him into the crowd, impacting Soarin, a member of the Wonderbolts, who had been flirting with a pretty young mare, and knocking him unconscious. The other Wonderbolts, prepared to avenge their fallen comrade, started an all out brawl, thrashing ponies as they worked their way toward the instigator.

Trixie removed her rear end from the stallion, who blushed profusely. His wife, seated next to him, socked him right in the jaw. Jumping off the table, Trixie sidled up next to a silent Celestia and her giddy sister as the ballroom they were in rapidly turned into a ballroom blitz. Trixie dusted herself off.

“Hey. Um, I’m real sorry- uh, sorry about-” Trixie broadly gestured to the chaos unfurling in the room. “All this.”

Celestia said nothing. Luna leaned in, shooting her sister a knowing smile. Celestia let out a long deep sigh, “Fine.” She said reluctantly. Luna chortled to herself as she spun around.

Wasting no time, Luna grabbed a nearby chair a bashed a random noble over the head. The stallion who had been seated in it fell to the ground, still nursing his jaw. She then dashed into the crowd, throwing a few well aimed punches as she went. She looked around, eyeing the brawlers. She could spot several familiar ponies duking it out, and grinned manically as she planned her moves. She ducked a sloppy punch and roundhouse kicked a nearby Octavia, knocking her down. She saw Fancy Pants fleeing from Minuet, and grabbed two plates in her magic. She threw, striking both at once. They fell to the ground in tandem. Luna saw Pony Joe throwing his doughnuts at random ponies and began strutting toward him. She blocked a punch from Spoiled Milk and knocked her unconscious without even glancing at her as she walked.

Blocking her path was Lightning Dust, wearing a wide grin as she threw silverware at ponies while flying slightly above the mob. Luna frowned and grabbed the pegasus in her magic. Lightning’s smile went away quickly as Luna slammed her into the ground. Satisfied with the act, she threw a dizzy looking Lightning Dust off in another direction. She reached her foe, and Pony Joe met her gaze. He threw an array of doughnuts; chocolate, strawberry, glazed. Luna moved with a practiced grace, dodging the onslaught as she skewered three doughnuts on her horn. You know, for later. She advanced on a fearful Joe and threw an uppercut into his chin. He crumpled to the ground.

Looking around for a new target, she spotted Lyra and Bonbon standing atop the buffet table, pelting an advancing crowd with a menagerie of horderves from their perch. Also for some reason Lyra looked to be in a mummy costume. They were the queens of the hill. Time for the princess to take her throne. Luna ran forward, shoving ponies out of the way. She saw Photo Finish knock out a pony with a karate chop, so she swerved slightly to ram her. Getting a good purchase under her barrel, Luna tossed her head back and sent Photo Finish sailing away through the air. She quickly broke through the crowd surrounding the table and glared at her opponents. They met her gaze. It was time.

Bonbon picked up an entire four layer cake with her freakish earth pony strength and hurled it at the princess. Luna brought up a single hoof to guard her face and met the impact. The cake struck her, splattering frosting across her coat and making a fine mess. Luna didn’t move an inch. She brought down her hoof and glared at Bonbon. My turn. She used her magic to remove a single doughnut from her horn, and whipped it toward Bonbon with frightening speed. The mare had no time to react as it hit her square in the face. Pink frosting wormed into her eyes, and she stumbled backward, tumbling off the table. Only one to go.

Lyra was furious that her ally had been taken out. She used her magic to summon an array of two dozen cannolis floating around her and began pelting them in Luna’s direction. Luna dodged left. A cannoli flew past her and downed Hoity Toity. She dodged right. Tempest Shadow was struck. She hopped onto the table, dodging one last cannoli that sailed past her head and splattered across Vinyl Scratch’s face.

The two ponies stared each other down. Well, Luna stared down, Lyra had to crane her neck to meet the gaze of the towering princess. “Thou fought bravely, my little pony. Now yield if ye wish to live.” Luna said with a grave undertone.

“I don’t fear death, princess. I fear only failure.” Lyra floated an empty pie tin to her side, holding it like a shield.

“Then be afraid.” Luna charged at Lyra, throwing a haymaker. Lyra blocked it with her tin, sliding back a good foot from the impact. She didn’t waver, she quickly grabbed a baguette and swung it at the princess. Luna stepped back to dodge, and tossed a doughnut toward the mare. Lyra dodged to the side, but it still glazed her, stinging her side. She winced and covered the impact with a hoof.

“Yield.” Luna commanded, advancing on the mare.

Panting, Lyra shouted out, “Never!” She shocked Luna as she hurled the tin like a frisbee. Unable to dodge in time, it struck her in the leg, bringing her to a knee. Lyra saw her chance and rushed the princess. Luna grinned, making Lyra’s heart stop. She was instantly frozen in Luna’s magic field.

Luna brought her in closer, glaring into her eyes, “Tisn't personal foal.” Bringing her within reach, Luna belted her in the gut. The wind was knocked out of her, she was done. Her foe now vanquished, Luna reverently placed her on the floor beside the table. She gazed out, the crowd had quieted down to watch the spectacle, and Luna addressed them, “Behold! Your Princess of the Night!” The crowd cheered at her declaration, hurling food and cutlery into the air with reckless abandon as they reveled. Luna celebrated by eating her last doughnut, but she quickly spat it back out. It was a plain doughnut.

Trixie walked back to Celestia’s side. She had wandered off during the bedlam and now held a plate of tiny cubed cheeses. She popped one in her mouth, and held the plate over the Celestia in offering. The princess shook her head. Trixie shrugged and ate another. “You know princess-” Trixie stopped to chew for a moment, “You throw a bitchin’ party.”

The Interlude

It was a clear and quiet day in Ponyville. It was so lovely that Lyra and Bonbon were out for an afternoon stroll. Lyra had finally had her bandages removed, and looked no worse for wear aside from a particularly nasty bruise on her barrel. They came to a stop when they heard gunshots coming from the next block, and against their better judgment went to investigate.

What met their eyes was Sweetie Belle, wearing a black jumpsuit with a giant blackened axe strapped across her back. She was doing battle with a horde of several pale pegasus-like creatures adorned in golden armor and white robes. They had unsettling stumps where their heads should be and carried golden halberds as they flew, circling Sweetie Belle.

She was dancing in and out of their attacks, firing spells at them as they attempted to hack at her to no avail. Suddenly, she shouted, “Let’s hit the climax!” Time seemed to slow down as she whipped around, planting shots in each most the remaining monsters, bringing them down in a spray of blood. She slowly walked up and cleaved the last one in half with her axe, leaping into the air with the motion and doing a backflip. She daintily landed and struck a small pose, smiling to herself.

“Uh you doing okay Sweetie Belle?” Lyra asked hesitantly.

Startled by Lyra, who she evidently hadn’t noticed in the confusion, she let off a shot and hit Lyra right in the leg. She fell to her side cursing, “Ooh! Ah! My Fucking leg! Damn that smarts!”

Bonbon knelt over and grabbed her friend, “Lyra! Are you okay?!”

“No! I got shot in the leg! What the hell Sweetie?”

“Sorry! I thought you were more Angels. They’ve become a real nuisance around Ponyville lately.” Sweetie smiled sheepishly as she rubbed the back of her head.

“You’re the nuisance! Argh!” Lyra grunted as she covered the gunshot wound with her good leg.

Sweetie Belle slowly backed away, “Anyway, sorry about that! I’ve gotta go and uh, keep looking for the other Eye of the World. It’s a whole thing. Fate of the world and all that. Take too long to explain. See ya!” She skipped off to who knows where.

Bonbon helped Lyra stand up and propped her up, “Don’t worry Lyra! You’re gonna be fine!”

Lyra grunted slightly, “It’s okay, this isn’t even the worst thing to happen to me this week. It could always get worse.” She grinned slightly.

Just then a whistling policemare trotted around the street corner and took a good long look at the scene before her. There was a lot of blood, bodies, and two frightened looking mares huddled together. She sighed to herself, “This is gonna be a lot of paperwork.” She then pulled out some hoofcuffs and walked toward the pair.

Author's Note

Short update on Sweetie Belle. She's busy doing protagonist things.

The Vendetta

Twilight pushed open the door to Sugercube Corner and entered the bakery. She was followed by Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy, and all three of them seemed a bit nervous. They could see Mrs. Cake leaning on the counter, sobbing with her face down. Twilight stepped forward.

“Mrs. Cake! I can see you’re busy, but I was wondering if you’ve seen Pinkie Pie?” Twilight asked innocently.

Mrs. Cake looked up, tears staining her eyes, “Oh princess! It’s terrible! Pinkie Pie, she- she-” she sniffed loudly, “She’s been kidnapped by ninjas!”

Rainbow and Fluttershy shared a concerned look to each other, and Twilight asked, “Are you certain she was kidnapped? Pinkie gets up to some odd things you know.”

Mrs. Cake shakily passed Twilight a folded note, which she read aloud: “Mr. Cake. We have kidnapped the pink one. The time has come to pay for your sins. Signed, the Blue Icing Syndicate.” She turned around and spoke to her friends, “This is serious girls, this was definitely sent by ninjas. Mrs. Cake! Do you know where the they’ve taken her?

“I can tell ya.”

The group turned to see Mr. Cake leaning against the wall. They were certain he hadn’t been there when they entered. He had on a blue suit with a messy necktie, and had the stubble of a cigarette hanging from his mouth. He took a long drag and looked to the ponies, “The Blue Icing Syndicate. 20 years ago in Neighpon, I left a lot of bad blood behind. This was before my bounty hunting days mind you. It started during the National Baking Federation regional convention back in 79. I was young, out to make a name for myself, and I was-” He continued on, and the group turned their attention to Mrs. Cake.

She hoofed over an empty envelope, “Here, the return address is on it.”

“Well that’s convenient.” Twilight remarked.

Mrs. Cake wiped her nose and asked seriously, “Twilight, are you a bad enough mare to rescue Pinkie Pie?”

“Don’t worry, we’ll handle this!” Twilight proudly declared.

Rainbow flew up in the air, “Well what are we waiting for! Let’s go kick some ass!”

“No Dash, this is serious. I’ve dealt with ninjas before. They don’t mess around, and to be frank, you’ll just slow me down.” Twilight spoke with an authoritative meter.

Dash sulked, but nodded her head.

“Glad you understand, now come on Fluttershy, we’ve gotta get moving.” She made for the door, motioning for the pegasus to follow.

Fluttershy followed hesitantly, “Oh why me?” And the two of them made their exit.

Rainbow slowly turned her head to watch them leave, mouth hanging open. Mrs. Cake walked up and put a hoof on her shoulder, “Don’t you worry dear, Pinkie is in good hooves! Now how about I fetch you a glass of chocolate milk. Doesn’t that sound nice?” Rainbow sniffled as she quietly nodded her head.

Mr. Cake was still going on off to the side, “-and so West Isle Cooks were wiped out by my hoof, there were no survivors. Or so I though. You see, I wouldn’t feel the fallout from that bloody night until the shipping lanes came into jeopardy, and they brought me in. I was the best after all, but what I didn’t know was-”

̿̿ ̿̿ ̿̿ ̿'̿'\̵͇̿̿\ :twilightsmile: /̵͇̿̿/'̿'̿ ̿ ̿̿ ̿̿ ̿̿

Night had fallen. Twilight and Fluttershy quietly crept through a secluded grove as cherry blossoms peacefully drifted in the wind surrounding them. They crossed a short wooden bridge and found themselves before a three-story pagoda. There were lights on inside, but not a sound could be heard. Twilight nodded to her friend, and Fluttershy slowly drew a shining katana from her back. Twilight spoke in a hushed tone, “We’ll go in fast, you work down, I’ll work up. The plan is find Pinkie and get out. Now let's wreck some shit.”

Fluttershy nodded and silently took off toward the third floor. Twilight made her way to the front door. With a deep breath, she cast the portal open and stepped inside.

The room was laid out like a sort of lounge, there were several short tables near the floor with mats for seating, but it was mostly empty. Quickly standing up, Twilight counted 20 ninjas, suited in black outfits. She slowly slid the door shut behind her as they drew their weapons; whips, knives and swords flashed in the flickering candlelight. Twilight spoke with an unsettling quiet, “Before we do this. Does anypony want to leave?” Her foes started advancing in response. “Alright. Don’t say I was misunderstood.” She cracked her neck. Showtime.

The closest enemy rushed toward her, a short sickle brandished. Twilight fired a gun spell and the ninja went down with a thud. The pin dropped, and the ninjas swarmed. Launching herself upward with a flap, Twilight neared the ceiling. Stunned, her foes were pegged with a trio of shots, downing three more. Not missing a beat, Twilight then teleported across the room, firing a shot into the back of another enemy. A nearby ninja whipped a razor-sharp chain at Twilight’s head. She grabbed it with her magic and reeled in the offender, blasting a spell in his face as he drew close.

A pair flung knives at the princess. They bounced harmlessly off her magic barrier, and then Twilight responded by shooting them both down. Another charged her with a katana overhead. Twilight snagged the blade from his grasp and impaled the ninja with it. As he fell Twilight broke the blade in two effortlessly. She then hurled the blade at another ninja, who managed to dodge only for it to strike the one behind her. She recovered only to get skewered by the handle that Twilight had then thrown.

The remaining combatants shuffled defensively, moving to surround the princess. She stomped her hoof and let out a wave of magic, knocking them all to the ground. Twilight then fired a volley of gunshots rapidly, striking five in a row. Three recovered, and charged with their weapons hoisted. One jumped at her, and Twilight slid under the ninja, firing a shot into her underside as she did so. Without pause she kicked a table vertical and pushed in at the advancing two, knocking them to the ground. She the jumped on the table, which made a sickening crunch as the ponies buried beneath it groaned.

Only one foe remained. He glanced side to side nervously, before throwing his weapon away and diving through the paper thin wall. Twilight watched as he dashed off into the night. Yeah, I'm bad. Twilight carefully stepped over the bodies and pools of blood as she worked her way to the stairs.

Poking her head into the second floor, she could see Fluttershy untying a captive Pinkie Pie, who was talking a mile a minute. There were a few bodies scattered around; mostly ninjas but also a few wearing fine business suits. Twilight made her way in as the ropes around Pinkie fell to the ground.

“Twilight! Thank you so so so so so so so-” Twilight idly kicked a body as Pinkie went on, “-so so so so so so so so much! You and Fluttershy totally saved my booty!” She gave her rear a little shake to emphasize this.

Twilight gave her a smile, “Of course Pinkie, that’s what friends are for. Fluttershy-” She turned to the pegasus, “How were things on your end?”

“Oh!” Fluttershy pushed her mane out of her eyes, “It went fine. There was only about 50 of them on the third floor. I took them out quickly and found Pinkie down here. There was this really scary stallion; I think he was called something really edgy like Vicious-” She nudged the corpse of a silver stallion with a long trench coat on and a katana resting by his side, “But he wasn't really that tough. I think he was in charge or something? He was definitely the strongest one here.”

“I wouldn’t worry about it, I’m sure he’s nopony important. Now-” Twilight turned away from her friends, “Time to head back to Ponyville! Where nothing bad ever happens!”

Author's Note

Hey, down here.
I know that Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood plays during the O-Ren fight. I just like it so it's here. There wasn't really music during most of the Crazy 88 fight anyway.
And if you don't know what I'm talking about then you should go watch Kill Bill.

The Answer

Something bad was happening in Ponyville.

Twilight and Fluttershy were en route to the town, flying at a relaxed pace. Pinkie was having a grand time riding on Twilight’s back as they soared through the sky, taking in the fresh air. However the three of them were shocked upon their approach to Ponyville, as they saw that the town was practically in shambles. Ponies were scrambling around trying to salvage their belongings and helping the injured as smoke wafted from the ruined buildings.

The group landed in front of Twilight’s castle, which was mostly intact, and regrouped with the ponies there. A large gathering of her friends ran up to her and filled her in. Surprising her the most with their presence, were princesses Celestia and Luna who approached her.

“Twilight.” Celestia spoke, “You’ve arrived at a grave time.”

“Is this Trixie’s fault? Please tell me it’s Trixie’s fault.” Twilight asked eagerly.

“Trixie is right here!” Came a shout from Trixie.

Celestia shook her head, “No Twilight, it is not Trixie’s fault.”

“Damn.”

“Damn indeed my student. For you see the angel of creation, Stultius has awakened. She seeks nothing less than the destruction of our world, and is headed to Canterlot as we speak.”

“Really? This kinda came out of nowhere. Shouldn’t we be stopping it then?”

“Alas, my sister and I have already fought the creature and lost. Right now you are our last hope for Equestria, as Sweetie Belle was just grounded by her sister."

Twilight looked over and noticed Rarity and Sweetie Belle having a heated discussion, “Come on Rarity! The public is in danger!”

“My evening is in danger! There is no way I’m allowing my sister to chase after that abomination! You’re coming back to Carousel Boutique to help me clean up! And take off that ridiculous suit, I swear this phase is going to be the death of me.” Rarity said with an overly dramatic tone.

“It’s not a phase Rarity! I’m an Umbra Witch now! It’s a big responsibility! I almost beat her the first time anyway! How was I supposed to know she had another form?!”

Celestia cleared her throat, “Canterlot has already been evacuated. Our current plan is to take the fight to her, with the city as our battle ground. You and your friends will use the Elements of Harmony to stop her. Luna and I shall assist, providing whatever support we may. We are confident that with all our powers combined we might just have a chance.”

“Pass.”

Celestia blinked once. Twice. Three times. “Pass? Am I missing something? Luna?” Luna shrugged.

“I pass. Don’t need help. I’m going to Canterlot myself. I’ll let you know when I’m done.” With that Twilight lit her horn and vanished with a pop. The crowd muttered among themselves with concern.

“Is nopony else concerned about this?” Celestia addressed the crowd.

"Not at all darling!”

“Nah, Twi knows her stuff.”

“She did just kill a whole bunch of ninjas...”

“Ooh yeah! I was there! I saw it!”

“Heh, awesome.”

“She taught me the gun spell!”

“I trust her, she’s never steered me wrong.”

“Trixie hopes she dies.”

“Shut up or I’ll roast you again. I know she’ll be fine.”

“Verily sister, we worry not for thine student.”

Celestia smiled a bit, “I suppose I should have a bit of faith in her.” She gazed off toward Canterlot, “Godspeed you magnificent bastard. Or should it be me speed? Ah fuck it.”

̿̿ ̿̿ ̿̿ ̿'̿'\̵͇̿̿\ :twilightsmile: /̵͇̿̿/'̿'̿ ̿ ̿̿ ̿̿ ̿̿

Twilight popped into existence atop the highest balcony of Canterlot castle, resting atop the tallest tower. It was cool and breezy, and would have been an otherwise nice afternoon if it weren’t for the catastrophe of biblical proportions approaching the city. Even at her height the princess found herself craning her neck to get a good look at the monster as she flew toward the city.

Stultius floated menacingly high above the clouds with hundreds of normal sized Angels circling herself. She had the appearance of a massive marble statue of an alicorn, easily twice the size of the entire castle. She had eight golden wings of abnormal length that stretched like tentacles arching from her back, and was adorned in massive golden jewelry across her form, complete with a tall pointed crown.

Twilight frowned and pulled out a small notepad,

TO DO:

~~Become princess~~

Kiss on Rarity

~~Invent gun spell~~

Kill God

She scratched her head with a pencil, mulling over the final line of text. Eventually she sighed and put the pad away. She could work it out later.

Stultius soon hovered in the sky directly above Canterlot. Twilight glared at the moster, daring her to make the first move. As it turned out, she had no problem doing so as she charged a menacing red laser and fired it directly at the castle.

“Uh oh.” Twilight uttered at she teleported a few miles to the side. The laser tore through the city, blasting the castle to pieces and sending building flying into the sky. The force was tremendous, shaking the foundation of the mountain. Twilight popped back to the balcony she had been standing on, now finding herself several hundred feet in the sky and upside down.

“You're mine fuckstick!” Now she was pissed. Twilight cast a complex spell, and time slowed to a crawl. She hopped onto the side of the tower and glanced down the structure. It had flipped completely upside down, and the bottom of the tower was pointed toward Stultius. Twilight began sprinting up it toward her foe.

Rocks hurtled through the air in slow motion as Twilight ran. She could also see the smaller Angels beginning to make their way toward her, so she prepared to fight. She casually fired bullets as she ran, spitting spells like a machine gun. Angels exploded in clouds of red and she ran past, ducking and weaving past debris. Eventually she hit the end of her tower and took off with a wing flap, landing herself on a slab of stone blasted off some building. She took a few shots before leaping to another rock, leap-frogging her way closer to her target.

She soon ran out of platforms to leap from and took wing, flying through the atmosphere higher and higher. Stultius glowed with a divine radiance, and began flinging spears of light toward Twilight. She careened side to side as she flew, dodging the projectiles and downing more Angels. More beams swept toward Twilight, and she teleported leaps ahead, dodging the blasts.

As she drew near the monster, Twilight could make out the placid rage on her face. Stultius threw up a transparent sphere of light, surrounding her massive form. Firing a few shots at the field, Twilight quickly learned it was impenetrable. She solved this by teleporting inside. The Angel responded by letting out an otherworldly wail.

Sprinting around the barrier, Twilight took shots at the monster's head with little affect. She let out more screams as she attempted to skewer Twilight with her golden wings, thrusting them toward the barrier like javelins. Twilight dodged deftly and took the air just in time to avoid Stultius electrocuting the surface. Twilight then flew directly up to her face, and stood upon a barrier of solid magic.

Twilight gazed upon the beast’s eternal grimace and spoke, “Damn, you are one ugly motherfucker aren’t you?” She charged her horn and fired a veritable laser of bullets into the Angels forehead. It wailed as chunks of it’s stony form were blasted off, writhing in pain. Twilight didn’t let up, conjuring a second copy of herself to fire twice as fast. Then a third. A fourth. In a few short moments there were 50 copies of herself letting loose a stream of gunshots toward Stultius as she flailed helplessly, and her barrier faded away.

Once she was finally satisfied the Angel was no longer a threat, she dispelled the copies and landed herself on a nearby piece of rubble. She frowned, a bit put out by all this. The creature still floated there, albeit much less aggresive, heaving in discomfort. She then was struck with an idea, and cast a short spell. The sky above Canterlot was quickly filled by Twilight Sparkle, now three times the height of Stultius as she hovered there. She charged her horn, and let loose her final spell.

“BANG!”

Twilight’s shout echoed across the countryside, knocking over trees and shattering windows. The shot itself was even more impressive. It was as though the sky broke, with a shock wave of sound blasting out from the epicenter in a visible cascade. A magic bullet twice the size of the Angel left an afterimage as it shot across the sky. With a massive crack, Stultius was swatted away like a fly, shattering into innumerable pieces and flying into the sky.

Twilight shrunk down rapidly, and then teleported herself to the ground with little fanfare. She shook herself off slightly, dislodging dust and pebbles from her coat as time resumed it’s normal flow. She then watched contently as the debris of the battle slowly cascaded to the ground like a monsoon of stone. A crack echoed out from the mountain, and Canterlot itself slowly slid off it’s perch, crumbling down into the valley. "Huh. There goes the neighborhood." Twilight sighed.

“Twilight!” The mare turned to see her friends galloping toward her, lead by the speaker, Rainbow Dash. She sounded thrilled, “We saw the whole thing on our way! You really did it!”

Princess Celestia stepped forward, “My student, you have saved us once again, and Equestria is forever in your debt. I thank you.”

“I appreciate this girls. But there’s one thing I couldn’t have ever done this without: the gun spell! "The entire group groaned, "But also my friends!” Twilight said with a big grin. The entire group let out a cheer and grouped in for a hug. Even Trixie who hesitantly set a hoof on Pinkie’s back.

The hug broke up, and Twilight brushed herself off a bit, “So Rarity, how about a little kiss for saving the day? You know, for the dashing heroine?” She wiggled her eyebrows a bit as she spoke.

Rarity giggled a bit with a hoof to her mouth, “Oh darling, you are too funny!” She turned and walked off with the rest of the group as they all shared a good natured laugh, leaving Twilight standing alone with an awkward grin on her face.

“Someday Rarity. Someday.”

Author's Note

I made up the name Stultius for the boss here. In my understanding it's a rough variation on the Latin stultus, or foolish.

The Incident

This was good day.

This thought echoed through Twilight’s mind as she set an unopened soda can on top of the magical butt destiny table.

“Doesn’t matter whatever you're called, science is happening!”

Twilight jumped back a good distance, and glared intently at the offending beverage. She brought up a piece of notebook paper, and after nodding at her own illegible scrawl for a few moments, crammed the sheet into her lab coat pocket, set her safety goggles on her face, and uttered the downfall of society.

“BANG!”

She yelled, and a deafening onomatopoeia of similar composition went off from her horn. Twilight herself staggered back a few steps, squeezing her eyes shut as a fresh ringing in her ears slowly abated.

“Note to self: earplugs. Earplugs good.”

Getting a grip, she looked ahead and saw that the can had been blasted off the table, spilling it’s sugary contents all over the supreme magical artifact she had just fired at. After bouncing around a fair bit, it slowly rolled to a stop by her hooves.

“This, is the best thing.” She walked over to the table a slurped a bit of the soda off the surface.

Cherry cola.

She smacked her lips and cocked a smile that was midway between proud parent and serial killer, “I must show everyone.”

Author's Note

Hey! Here's another Twilight related fic. Same sort of style as my last story, but more or less unrelated. I've just been having a lot of fun writing dialogue lately, so we're gonna let that train keep rolling. Fluttershy will be in this one! Everyone loves Fluttershy!

The Gun

Twilight Sparkle stood in a wide open lab space within her castle, staring into a large ornate mirror. She was fidgeting a bit as she glanced at the clock, when suddenly the mirror began swirling with energy. After a moment a unicorn with bright red hair and an orange coat stepped out wearing a saddlebag and slowly got her footing. Twilight smiled and greeted her, “Sunset! Thanks for coming!”

Sunset Shimmer dusted herself off a bit and greeted Twilight happily, “No problem! I’m always happy for an excuse to to stop by! Your request was a bit tough to handle though.” She took off her saddlebag and rummaged around a bit.

“You have it?!” Twilight zoomed over to Sunset and eagerly waited. After a moment the unicorn pulled a black metal object from her bag and floated it over to Twilight, who excitedly snagged it.

“Yep, that’s a gun.” Sunset frowned a bit before continuing, “Why did you want it again?”

"For comparison mostly." Twilight fiddled with the weapon, twirling it around and eventually chambering a round with little effort, “Fascinating.” The princess aimed at an hourglass on the table and pulled the trigger. A gunshot rang out and glass splashed across the room. Twilight gave Sunset a knowing grin and tossed the gun back, "Mine's bigger." she shot Sunset a wink.