Twilight's Deadly Limerick: The Killing Joke – by Twifight Sparkill
The Ponyville library was headlong into its commonplace quiet, while outdoors a splendid noon day hit its comfortable warmth leaving everypony to do as they pleased – whether eating, shopping, socializing, or merely engaging in welcome midday playtime; all were duly accounted endeavors, none of which had to do with borrowing books.
This allowed two local denizens, both located at the repository, an alloted serenity – or at least one of them, the other decidedly restless for a fiercely burgeoning trepidation.
"Look," Twilight Sparkle exhaled anxiously, "will you please just read it already?"
Atop the main desk of the aforementioned library lay a lone unfurled scroll upon which was scrawled a few written lines – beautifully scripted, all applied with deliberate practice – being scrutinized by a dubious cyan pegasus, despite the uncomfortable crowding of very nervous company.
"Will you stop hovering over my shoulder, then?" Rainbow Dash growled, shoving the fidgeting purple librarian sideways with a buffeting wing swipe. "You're breathing right in my ear! Makes it a bit tough to concentrate on reading um... whatever the heck this is you want me to look at, you know?"
"It's called a limerick," Twilight huffed in a diciplinary tone, stepping away to provide the aggitated mare with an appropriate berth. "According to my extensive study on comedic elements, on due completion of such you should be expressing mirth and pleasure with an audible vocal expulsion – it can range from a loud burst of sound to a series of quiet chuckles, and is often accompanied by erratic facial and bodily movements – provided you find it funny, of course."
Rainbow Dash grunted, regarding the composition and its contributor with a growing impatience.
"Before you lies the culmination of all my recent research into the farcical arts," the lavender unicorn declared, proudly indicating the document which displayed the apparent achievement. "I have, for no small effort, manufactured the perfect parody! I've also decided that since you're known throughout Ponyville as a premier prankster, and subsequently happened to be flying past the library a few minutes ago, you'd be more than qualified as my primary test subject!"
"Fine, whatever," Rainbow Dash relented, regarding her giddy cohort with grudging exasperation. "So what, you wrote a joke or something?"
"You're essentially correct," the studious unicorn surmised, rubbing her chin thoughtfully. "Though it's actually more akin to a sonnet – a kind of humorous verse; consisting of five lines, in which the first, second, and fifth lines rhyme with each other. The third and fourth lines, which are shorter, form a rhymed couplet – all rife with undertones of raucous innuendo. That, according to my sources, should result in nothing less than pure, good-humored gratification! Doesn't that sound like fun?"
Rainbow blinked a few times, maintaining a vacant expression.
"It's a naughty little poem," Twilight muttered in defeat, "designed to make you laugh out loud. Read it and tell me if you think it's funny or not."
"Oh... ohhh! I get it now! Heh heh heh," Dash chuckled darkly, nudging the lavender mare pointedly in the side, nearly sending her sprawling headlong into the nearby bookshelves. "Well well. I gotta admit Twilight, you're the last pony I'd have figured to even understand a dirty joke, nevermind write one, but... all right, I'm game. Let's have a look at it."
"Finally," the head librarian grumbled, chewing at her bottom lip, watching on in eager anticipation.
Rainbow Dash started the passage – she carefully traced each line with a hoof as she read, concentrating upon every nuance and flourish, absorbing the short composition in earnest.
Twilight tried to glean some hint at Dash's decision, craning her neck to spy any sort of positive response.
The pegasus found herself unexpectedly awash in a cold, dripping sweat upon completing the stanza; she went all glassy-eyed, suddenly intently pained – her breathing began to escalate, foam bubbling at the corners of her mouth. The room began to spin beneath her hooves, an encroaching blackness developing in her periphery – her body felt as though it was falling, yet she couldn't move a muscle voluntarily. Eerie whistles tickled decidedly at her hearing, all sense becoming overwhelmed, unable to comprehend for a quickening unease.
"Uh..."
"Well? Come on, out with it!" the impatient unicorn whined, hopping up and down in utter frustration for her poor vantage. "What did you think? The suspense is killing me!"
The winged mare turned unsteadily to confront the fretting author, expectant to voice her vaunted opinion – she cleared her dried throat, raised an impassioned hoof...
... and promptly dropped to the floor in a heap.
"Rainbow? Rainbow!" Twilight shrieked, jumping to her fallen comrade. "Speak to me! Are you all right? I said the suspense was killing me, not you!"
The purple librarian frantically checked her friend for signs of life – she was breathing, thank goodness. Upon closer inspection, it was soon quite apparent that Rainbow Dash was struck comatose.
"Omigosh," Twilight gasped in horror. "My limerick! It was designed with such an unyielding consummate intellect, it must have instictively shut her entire system down! How could I have overlooked the possibility that my joke could potentially be too funny for ill-prepared ponies?"
She rose, poised in disbelieving dread above her sufficiently stunned associate, stark realization setting in.
"I'm... I'm a destructive humorist genius scientist terminator!"
At the nearby Ponyville Hospital, Nurse Redheart marched towards a cramped little waiting room where the dutiful compatriots of Rainbow Dash awaited news regarding her confounding condition – Applejack, Rarity, Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie remained steadfast by an inconsolable Twilight Sparkle, each having arrived promptly upon hearing the shocking news.
"This is all my fault," Twilight whimpered, hiding her face in her hooves. "If I'd known how dangerously humorous I was, I would never have subjected Rainbow Dash to such a startling, savage silliness. Have I been doomed to a decidedly deadly drollery without due discourse?"
"That's just nonsense, er... about it being your fault," Rarity consoled quietly. "I'm sure she's just suffering from exhaustion, Twilight. You know how Rainbow Dash is – she's notoriously careless! For all you knew, she could've been dehydrated or even badly concussed for constantly hurting and overexerting herself to impress those garish Wonderbolts, hm? She's suffered far worse for less effort, goodness knows."
"Nurse!" Pinkie howled, jumping at Redheart in hysterics as she entered the room, grasping her roughly by the shoulders. "How is she? Is Dashie gonna be okay? Please say yes! Pretty please with sprinkles on top? Tell it to me straight, I can take it!"
"Relax everypony," the nurse ushered, regarding the gallery with a practiced smile whist brushing Pinkie aside nonchalantly. "Your friend is going to be just fine – the doctor has performed his examination, and everything appears to be all right."
"Thank goodness," Fluttershy sniffled, "we were so worried about her!" She wiped her eyes dry in light of the good news, reclaiming a winsome little smile. "Um, if it's not too much trouble, could... could we go see Rainbow Dash now? She must be so frightened, being all alone in a big, scary hospital. That is, if you wouldn't mind terribly."
"I'm afraid you won't be able to see her today," Nurse Redheart explained, shaking her head. "Although apparently in good health otherwise, she's still very much unconscious."
"Well, can you at least tell us what in tarnation happened to 'er?" Applejack quipped, frowning amidst a somber concern. "Rainbow ain't precisely what we'd call a delicate pony, nurse ma'am – she's more ornery than a herd of incontinent buffalo at an all-you-can-eat cheese buffet with the toilets out of order. What coulda caused this, do ya reckon?"
Redheart paused, checking her clipboard notes. "We... don't know just yet, I'm afraid. We're still running some tests to discern the cause of her unusual affliction."
"I'm responsible for all of this, can't you see?" Twilight wailed desperately. "My lascivious levity very nearly liquidated our best friend! She's been rendered catatonic by my accursed comedic cruelty! I just wanted to write a funny little poem, not the most dangerous joke in the world! I'm a terrible, terrible pony!"
The remaining Elements collectively rolled their eyes for the ridiculous notion – all except Pinkie Pie, who was currently trying to wrest candy from a nearby vending machine that'd stolen her bits.
"Come on, you miserable ol' mechanical miser! Grrr!" she cursed, smacking the contraption on its sides, pressing every button on the device's keypad, even attempting a running tackle or two. "I paid my bits! Gimme the chocolate you owe me or else, got it?"
Without warning, out spat several hundred candy bars, burying the dumbfounded party mare up to her eyeballs.
"Wowwee! Jackpot!" Pinkie delighted. "Anyone want a caramel choco-mallow bar? They're yummy-yum scrumptious!"
Nopony paid her the least bit of notice.
"... but it really did!" Twilight looked to each of her gathered friends, shirking their dubious glares. "Rainbow Dash read my lethal limerick, then fell into a sordid slapstick suspension! I created a salacious slaying shenanigan! A murderously maligned menace of mirth! A hideously hateful horseplay of horror! An amalgam of annihilating absurdities!"
"Please stop doing that," Rarity glowered. "Honestly, it's like hooves on a chalkboard."
"Look here hun," Applejack murmured, slipping a supportive forearm about the embittered librarian. "You know we're yer friends and we all love yeh dearly, right? Yer an excellent overseer n' event organizer, most definitely the smartest pony ah've ever known, and more'n likely the most powerful unicorn in all of Equestria – nevermind a member of the Elements of Harmony. However, and ah'm sayin' this in all seriousness despite, there's simply no way in Tartarus your joke could've done this to poor Rainbow."
The bookish unicorn mopped at her tears, brightening for the reassurance. "Are... are you sure, Applejack?"
"Ah'm absolutely positive, sugarcube," the fruit farmer affirmed. "Because you ain't funny in the slightest."
Twilight froze, taken completely aback by her friend's straightforward candor.
"It's true," Rarity nodded in agreement. "I certainly mean no offence dear, but you wouldn't be aware of a good joke if it waltzed up and bit you on the flank." She paused a moment then, tilting her head in abject thought. "Perhaps if it started chewing on some of your precious books, there's a possibility you might notice, though even that seems highly unlikely. Please don't be upset – we've all come to accept that being studious and unfunny are what define you, darling! We wouldn't have it any other way!"
"But... but I researched the matter so thoroughly." Twilight stuttered in disbelief, her left eye twitching madly. "I mean, the math was sound and... and I carried the nine that time... I even have little dents in my hooves from having to recalculate every possible incur with an abacus. Why... why am I not funny?"
"Oh Twilight, it's okay," Fluttershy whispered, nudging at the despairing purple mare with concern. "I'm not funny either, if that helps... although ponies used to laugh at me sometimes, it was never with me. Not everypony is meant to be a comedian – don't be sad though, that means you didn't hurt Rainbow Dash. That's a good thing, right?"
Pinkie Pie bounced into the middle of the tense huddle, spilling confectionary wrappers and bodies in varied directions. She landed immediately next to Twilight, inadvertently grinding chocolate and nougat into the unicorn's hair for gathering her up in a big squeezing hug.
"Hey now, don't get all down in the dumpy-dumps because you're always so super-duper serious all the time," she uttered, stroking the gloomy librarian tenderly. "You should be grateful for who you are and what you have, Twilight – chasing after rainbows never allots you time to stop and heed your own brilliant splendor, mm? Trust me, you're positively radiant as you are!"
Everyone stared incredulously at the curly-maned fuchsia pony, none of them exactly sure they'd heard her correctly – or a bit terrified they actually had, honestly.
"What?" Pinkie shrugged a bit. "I read it on a greeting card in the gift shop."
"Oh-kay, well on that fancy note," Applejack chuckled, affixing her stetson, "ah'd say we wrap this up already. Ain't much we can do fer Rainbow right now, so we might as well git back to doin' what we gotta do – fer me, that's buckin' apples all day."
With that, she rose and headed for the hospital exit, waving as she went.
"Later girls! If you hear anythin' about Dash, y'all lemme know pronto, ya hear me? Seeya!"
"I suppose we should go back to town as well," Rarity sighed, returning Applejack's wave before gathering the large sunhat she'd donned for the walk to hospital – a far too cumbersome adornment to be worn indoors. "You'll be kind enough to notify us the moment miss Dash awakes, won't you nurse?"
"Of course, as soon as she's cleared for visitors you'll all be contacted," Nurse Redheart affirmed, then trotted off to attend other duties.
"Well... um, what should we do for now?" Fluttershy wondered aloud, nudging a dumbfounded Twilight towards the outdoors. "Maybe we can stay as a group, if that's okay? Rainbow Dash could wake up at any moment, and it would be nice if we could all come back together at the same time... that is, if you want to."
Pinkie Pie nodded in oblige, unable to verbalize for the dripping gooey sludge she was still chewing – once a colorful myriad of sweet delicacies, now all that remained was mashed into a globulous, gluttonous mouthful of mess. Precisely the way she liked it.
"I see no reason why not," Rarity chimed thoughtfully, affixing her gigantic hat with a rueful smirk. "If anything, we should all keep Twilight company in case she happens to recite any sharp rebuttals publically – can't have her hacking the heads off of poor defenseless ponies, now can we? Especially with crimson being so horribly out of fashion this time of year."
Twilight snorted bitterly then, regaining some semblance of awareness. "... oh sure, and i'm the unfunny one? Yeah, that's a totally fair assessment."
To Be Continued.
B. Death and Resurrection
Twilight's Deadly Limerick: Death and Resurrection – by Twifight Sparkill
It was a long, quiet walk from Ponyville's hospital, where Twilight Sparkle and her friends had left Rainbow Dash in the capable care of bonafide professionals – having succumbed to some mysterious ailment that'd left her unconscious, none of the group could do anything else save wait until Dash had improved – it was decided they should all remain together until receiving further news on their companion's condition, save for the workaholic Applejack who had farmwork that required completion.
Thus the remaining four trundled down the dirt road back towards the library, keeping each other in careful consideration – Twilight was especially monitored, since she'd not uttered a word since remarking on a jibe dealt by Rarity. Despite being in complete jest, the awkward quiet had regrettably remained. Even in the company of Pinkie Pie – who would've likely spoken if it weren't for the wad of chewed mushy candies stuck in her mouth; she still couldn't properly break it down despite remaining doggedly determined, awful wet chewing noises permeating throughout – there prevailed a disquieting quiescence.
Finally it was left for Fluttershy to infringe upon the saturninity for clearing her throat, snapping everyone to attention. It was enough to make all accounted turn to regard the noise, which made the yellow pegasus stop walking altogether for being uncomfortably scrutinized.
"Um, er... hi there," she began, regaining her step once recovered from the unwanted stares. "I was just going to say, I sure hope Rainbow Dash will be okay."
"Of course she'll be okay dear," Rarity noted, once suitably reoccupied with the timed march they'd surreptitiously engaged in. "All she needs is a good rest and before you know it she'll be back to being her usual vulgar self. There's nothing to be concerned about, I'm quite sure. We simply need to be patient and let her recover from whatever has caused all this, mm? Don't worry too much about it – she's in good hooves."
Fluttershy nodded, managing an anemic, placating smile despite her doubts. "... do you have any thoughts, Twilight?" she inquired quietly, hoping for a semblance of sanity to quell her otherwise interminable fears.
The unicorn librarian seemed to not hear, walking at the same pace she'd timed since vacating the waiting room. It was obvious from the occupied frown she wore that something was clearly weighing heavily on her mind, yet she'd said nothing of the matter.
"At least she's in a Ponyville hospital," Rarity mentioned calmly. "In griffon facilities, I've heard they eat anyone who can't defend themselves. Talk about your poor bedside manners!"
"All depends on the placement of their forks and knives," Pinkie spoke between chews. "At least they have a good wine list available at their emergency wards, last I checked. I mean heard! Definitely heard."
Fluttershy emitted a short whine. Twilight Sparkle, in the meanwhile, remained quietly disgruntled.
"Twilight dear," Rarity hummed beneath her enormous sun hat, "I really wish you wouldn't continue to sulk; it adds worry lines about the eyes you know. Very unattractive at such a young age! Mind, I do have a few creams that would liven up the skin – takes years off a pony, hm? You'd look like that fresh-faced, bright-eyed student Princess Celestia appointed as her personal protégé again! I have them at the shoppe, I'll bring them by afterwards if you like?"
A low growl answered the offer.
"Everything is just dandy," Twilight finally quipped, apparently registering nothing in particular anypony had said. "Let's get to the library and figure this out."
In a few quiet minutes the quartet found themselves upon the Golden Oaks library. Following Twilight, each filed in without fanfare. Rarity, at least mindful enough to wipe her hooves before entering, then searched for the devoted purple dragon that normally tended the troupe. "Spikey-Wikey dear!" Rarity lilted, looking about for the young drake. "Tea and cookies for the company would be splendid, thank you! Chop chop!"
"Spike is in Canterlot," Twilight remarked, taking a seat by the central desk where her limerick lay. "He's collecting a shipment of old textbooks from the universities there during... something we'd planned. What was that again? Whatever. If you want tea, I'll have to go and prepare it."
"It's fine girls," Fluttershy murmured. "I can go and brew us tea, since I'm still up... um, if that's okay with you Twilight."
Twilight didn't respond, simply staring at the subsequent cause of the entire debauchle.
"Please be a dear and bring us some," Rarity crooned, wiping her glistening brow dry once casting her large sunhat upon the rack at the foyer. "I'm sure we could all use a cup after all that walking. I am frightfully parched, nevermind exhausted for running all the way to the hospital upon hearing about poor Rainbow. At least we can relax until they get the dear girl back on her hooves, hm?"
Fluttershy smiled and nodded, trotting into the kitchen whilst Rarity settled adjacent to Twilight upon a couple of sitting cushions about the main library desk.
In between the unicorns lay an obvious scroll, which the alabaster pony noted almost immediately. It remained a heavy weight for moments that felt like terrible tormenting years – each onlooking opponent knew full well the gravity of the issue, but neither could subsequently manage the movement required to begin the obvious inquiries to come.
Finally, one of them had to crack – no surprise it was the most eager of the two.
"So, is that it then?" queried Rarity, indicating the unraveled stationary, leaning over to possibly sneak a look if possible.
"Can I have just a little peek, Twilight? Ple-eeease?"
"Don't you dare!" Twilight gasped, ripping the scroll from the desk with a swirling lavendar magic, clutching the collected parchment to her chest protectively. "Nopony can ever see this dastardly diatribe again! Haven't any of you been listening to a word I've said all day? If this maniacal manuscript temporarily triggered torpidity in Rainbow Dash, who knows what horrendous harm it could do to you? Stay back, Rarity, lest it lay you leaden!"
Rarity groaned, rubbing her head for a pained throb beginning at her left temple. "... hmpf, fine then. If you actually believe you've somehow bewitched our poor Dash with a silly bit of poetry, be my guest – just please stop talking like that, would you? It's beginning to breed a beleaguering burn behind my... oh drat, now you have me doing it! Honestly!"
"I don't know what to think," Twilight grimaced, looking over the beloved scripture in her forelimbs. "I was so convinced that I'd written something hilarious, yet... yet all of you seem to think I'm not even remotely funny! What if I'm right and this is hazardous, hm? What if I've defied your cruel odds and made something so side-splitting that it's able to render the onlooker null and void? What should I do then? Just pretend that I'm not capable of writing something gaily gelastic?"
A muffled cry could be heard from the kitchen as the two friends considered their options.
"Well I guess we should at least give it a chance considering how upset it's made you," Rarity hummed. "Mayhaps it's just a matter of letting more sophisticated tastes have a look at it, yes? I'm more than willing to give you a proper critique – how bad could it be?"
Twilight's lower lip began to quiver.
"I mean, er... I'm sure it's very good, of course!" Rarity corrected herself, trying not to smirk.
Fluttershy arrived with a tea service in her mouth, placing it between the tense unicorns. "Please be careful," she warned, "it's quite hot. I should know, as I've burned most of the roof of my mouth on the kettle. Sorry for screaming earlier."
Rarity channeled her magic, fixing each of the three their usual preference amidst a blue glow. "Thank you ever so much Fluttershy, you've got perfect timing. Twilight was just about to show us what Rainbow Dash read before fainting – won't that be fun?"
"Um," Fluttershy shivered, appearing completely against the idea. "Sure, whatever you say Rarity."
Twilight stood from her pillow, marched over to her filing cabinet, and mixed the scroll in amongst her casual papers and notes. "No means no!" she snarled. "You two, of all ponies, should know that when I put my hoof down, I mean it! Now, just sit there whilst I go and gather some books from my personal collection – I can prove that I'm jocular and that this is a dangerous situation! Just sit there and wait a few minutes! Okay?"
Rarity and Fluttershy nodded, sipping their respective teas. "If you say so, Twilight," Rarity avowed. "We will obey your wishes as the dutiful friends we are. You can count on us."
Convinced, Twilight marched upstairs to collect her various charts and references – damn them all, she was riotously risible and there was viable proof to present such!
Once the hoofsteps had faded, Rarity slyly considered her comrade with a rueful grin.
"Okay," Rarity whispered between sips of tea. "She's gone – let's have a look at this supposed suicide joke, Fluttershy!"
"I... don't know if we should," Fluttershy warned. "Twilight seemed awfully serious, and you know how mad she can get. Wouldn't it be best if we waited for her return? She had charts to show or something. Won't that be fun?"
Just as Rarity began to trot towards the drawer where the manuscript lay, completely ignoring Fluttershy's counsel, a thunderous voice froze her in place. "Hold on there!"
From nowhere anypony could discern, Pinkie Pie jumped into the fray – where had she gone, anyway? Nevertheless, she stood between the encroaching unicorn and the chest where the limerick lay, looking a mess of curly committed guardian pink.
"You two better not read that silly thingie Twilight wrote!" Pinkie admonished, pointing an accusing hoof. "You both promised – you know what happens when you break a promise, right? You'll both regret it! Forever!"
"Pfft," Rarity raspberried. "Are you telling us that you, of all ponies, aren't the least bit curious about this supposed rhyme? The one that's apparently so funny it can knock a pony out simply from reading it?"
"Well..." Pinkie paused, looking thoughtful. "I guess there's a part of me that wonders if it's possible to kill a pony with a joke." she mused. "A part of me I keep buried deep in my subconscious, where it'll stay until the day I die. Or others do!"
The yellow pegasus emitted another whine, similar to the one from previous.
"Please stop being so dreadfully dramatic – you're scaring Fluttershy," Rarity muttered with a roll of her eyes, "So, getting back to the point, that means you do want to see it as well, right? I mean, to be truthful, you're the most qualified of all of us as a reader considering your extensive pranking tendencies. What do you say?"
"Okay, you sold me Rarity!" Pinkie grinned, hopping in place. "I don't think anyone actually said they promised anyway – I just assumed that by giving your word it was a binding verbal agreement, but what do I know? I'm just an innocent baker trying to circumvent her own beliefs so as to gain an empty, temporary acceptance amongst her peers! Or something!"
There was a flurry of disruptive yellow activity.
"I don't think this is a good idea," Fluttershy interrupted, stepping between the others and the filing cabinet. "Can't we please just enjoy our scalding hot tea in peace until Twilight gets back? She might let us see afterwards... isn't that a better idea? I think so." she nodded, trying to corral the girls back to their seats.
"Perhaps," Rarity considered, eyeing the drawer where the subject lay, and then Pinkie. "However, we could actually be doing her a favor, Fluttershy."
Both Pinkie and the pegasus looked to the white unicorn acquisitively.
"Well, think about it – Twilight is convinced her joke has hurt someone," Rarity continued. "Besides being the most preposterous of ideas, I'm sure you can both see that it's driving her mad with grief – not to mention she seems to think she actually has a sense of humor – so wouldn't it be best as good friends to try and alieviate these ill feelings by proving once and for all her joke isn't deadly?"
"I wholeheartedly agree!" Pinkie bounced about joyously. "With whatever you just said – ooh, can we look now? Can we can we can we?"
"Please don't!" Fluttershy begged, pulling at them haplessly.
Twilight rummaged through the piles of books amassed around her personal bookshelf, trying to locate all the notable notations she'd written and inserted inamongst the appropriate pages. Within remained graphs, equasions, abbreviations and explanations. "Okay..." she huffed. "This will prove to them once and for all that I am in fact funny. Do you hear me? I am funny!" She grumbled, shaking a hoof at the sky.
Suddenly, she heard a commotion downstairs – as if three coconuts had impacted together, followed by several bangs and the tinkling of china breaking on the floor.
"Girls?" Twilight yelled, running down the stairs. "What are you doing? What broke? You better not be reading..."
The sight caused her to blanche – strewn about the filing cabinet were the bodies of her best friends, and in the hooves of Pinkie Pie was ... the limerick!
"No... oh Celestia, no!" she shrieked. "My tea service!"
Applejack raced towards the Ponyville hospital, galloping with fervor for having heard her other friends had ended up incapacitated as well - the message was delivered by Ponyville's local grey mail mare, and she wasn't terribly forthcoming with information. "Okay, your friends are in the hospital," the pegasus had reported. "Twilight Sparkle told me to tell you, um... to go there, because she's hilarious?"
Horeseapples!" Applejack groused, leaving the farm far behind in a frantic haste. "You'd figure ah'd know to expect this sorta craziness by now, seein' as it happens every durn Saturday 'round ten inna mornin', goldarnit ta heck... here we go again!"
To Be Continued.
