The Pony Who is Alternately Obnoxious and Affable

by Charles Xavier

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Octavia, Random, Crossover, Applejack
Length: 1070

Poor Octavia Melody. She simply just wanted to buy some apples off Applejack. Yet who knew that a matter of buying apples could blow so insanely out of proportion?

Poor Octavia Melody. She simply just wanted to buy some apples off Applejack. Yet who knew that a matter of buying apples could blow so insanely out of proportion?

Based off the short Monty Python sketch of 'The Man Who Is Alternately Rude and Polite'

Published 2020-11-15 21:30:00 UTC
Last updated 2020-11-15 21:30:00 UTC

I'd like to buy purchase apples please

Octavia Melody was wondering around in Ponyville’s marketplace like every afternoon to do her grocery shopping. Whilst browsing, she came across Applejack alone with her usual stall cart selling fresh apples. Unable to resist, she just HAD to buy some. She craved for apples, as she had little to eat for the whole day.

“Good day.” she greeted Applejack cheerfully. “I’d like to purchase a few of your delectable home grown apples if you don’t mind, please.”

“Don’t come prancin’ over here with that pish posh talk, you stinkin’ high-class varmint!” Applejack cursed.

Octavia blinked her eyes and widened them in disbelief. “Excuse me…?” she begged to ask.

“Why of course, Octavia. Anything for you.” Applejack smiled amicably. “Now how many apples would you like today?”

“Um… I’d like four please.” Octavia replied, trying to quickly brush off the fact that she had just been insulted for no absolute reason.

“Four, you no-good greedy gormandizin’ grease of gob?!” Applejack clamored adversely. “Just what kinda gluttonous pony are you?!”

Her commotion was beginning to garner a small number of unwanted stares from bypassing ponies.

Octavia was set aghast by her foul-tempered friend. “I… I was only going to buy two for myself.” she replied innocently in her defense. “But then I thought about buying a few more for my friend, Vinyl, as well. That’s all.”

“Why certainly, I understand.” Applejack nodded calmly in perfect agreement. “Now would you like a bag for that?”

“Er, yes please.” Octavia kindly requested, feeling just a little uncomfortable.

“Sure, put a bag over your head so everyone wouldn’t have to look at your ugly face, you pimpled pinheaded pea-brain!”

“I’m sorry…?” was all Octavia could say.

“One bag it is.” Applejack replied, taking out a bag. “Would you like our regular red apples, or might you care tryin’ our new green apples for a change?”

Octavia considered, noticing the new basket of green apples on the stall cart. “Well, they ARE awfully tempting. If you don’t mind, I’d like to purchase two of each please, so still four in total.”

“I CAN COUNT, YOU MUSH-HEAD!” exclaimed Applejack in outright belligerence. “DO YOU REALLY THINK I’M AS DULL AS DISHWATER?!”

“I… I…” stammered Octavia, dumbfounded as ever. “I didn’t think anything of such.”

“Whelp, there you go. Two red apples and two green ones, finely picked at Sweet Apple Acres from this very mornin’.” Applejack benevolently handed the bag of apples to Octavia without fuss. “Now, is there anything else I can get for you?”

“Ah, now that you mention it,” Octavia thought, “would you happen to be selling any freshly baked apple pies on this fine afternoon perchance? I would fancy one of those.”

“PERCHANCE, YOU THICK-SKULLED SAPHEAD?! I’M ALWAYS SELLIN’ THEM! WHY, THEY’RE THE BEST IN ALL OF EQUESTRIA!” Applejack arrogantly asserted. “AND IF YOU DARE DARN DISAGREE, THEN I’D SAY YOU’RE AS CRAZY AS POPCORN ON A HOT STOVE!”

Ponies at neighboring food stalls were now turning to their attention to Applejack and Octavia, much to the latter’s embarrassment.

“Right, um, very well.” a now apprehensive Octavia hesitated. “I’ll just purchase one please.”

“Sure thing.” Applejack affirmed, offering the warmest and freshest apple pie she had. “Now don’t leave it out for too long or else it’ll get cold! You hear?”

“Duly noted… now then, how much does that all amount to, dear Applejack?”

“COUNT IT YOURSELF, UNLESS YOU CAN’T TELL DUNG FROM HONEY!”

Octavia swore she was hearing far too many strange things today. “What did you say, sorry…?”

“That’ll be eight bits.” confirmed Applejack.

“Splendid. That’s all splendid I do say.” Octavia remarked as she paid. “You know, I always do enjoy having a bite from one of your delicious apple pies to brighten up my day. They’re THAT good, and SO irresistible.”

“REALLY?! WELL, I’D SAY YOU NEED TO BE ON A DIET, YOU BIG BULGING SEA COW!”

Octavia inspected her physique, seeing nothing wrong in it. “But see now, I’m not a sea cow, I’m…”

“Why thanks so much, Octavia, I’m sure glad to hear that.” Applejack replied good-naturedly.

“Uh, right…” Octavia was about to turn and leave until she just remembered something. “Oh, I’m such a fool. I almost completely forgot, but I’d like to purchase some apple cider as well please if you still have any available?”

“WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE TO YOU, A VENDIN’ MACHINE?! GO MAKE YOUR OWN, YOU UGLY BUCK-TOOTHED HARLOT!”

“I beg your pardon?!” Octavia cried with her jaw open, outraged.

“You got it, partner. One bottle of apple cider ‘specially for you.” Applejack casually passed a full bottle over to Octavia. “For today, this one’s on me.” she winked and nudged on her shoulder discreetly.

An awkward silence followed.

“Um… thank you?” Octavia answered back vaguely.

“OH, THANK YOU SAYS THE ALMIGHTY QUEEN MAJESTY HERSELF!” blurted out Applejack in deep contempt. “WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO SHINE YOUR HOOVES NEXT, COMB YOUR MANE, DIG OUT YOUR EAR WAX FOR YOU?!”

“Come again if you please…?!” Octavia had to ask.

“No problem, Octavia. You’re always welcome to come back here any time, whenever you need to.” Applejack chuckled as if all was perfectly well. “Say howdy to DJ Pon-3 for me when you get back home, will you?”

By this time, Octavia had had quite enough of this apparent absurdity. She rolled her eyes in frustration and sighed in discontent. “Excuse me, Applejack…”

“WHAT DO YOU WANT NOW, YOU ROTTEN BILK?!”

“Well, I can’t stop noticing that you’re acting rather peculiar today. As a matter of fact, you’re being exceptionally odd. For one moment you’re being obnoxious, and then the next you’re being affable… I just don’t understand this at all.”

“Oh, gosh-darnit!” Applejack gasped in horror and realization. “I’m SO SO sorry about that. You must think I’m far off my rocker here! I won’t do it again, I promise.”

“Well, that’s quite fine.” Octavia stated, excusing her friend’s questionable behavior and holding nothing against her. “Just don’t do it again please.”

“TOUGH-TITTY THAT I WILL, YOU SORRY OVERGROWN SPINELESS CRETIN, YOU!”

Author's Note

Disclaimer: ‘MLP’ and ‘Monty Python’ don’t belong to me, although I wish sometimes that they did (lol). But what can you say? Reality bites…

Author's Note: Rate if you can and please leave a comment, as I love reading them. Have a great day and peace out!