A Foal, a Murder, and a Saucy Confession
Twilight stood in her castle doorway, gaping at the pony on the other side. An expression of shock and confusion was clearly visible on her face.
“M-mom?”
Twilight Velvet smiled. “Last time I checked... Are you gonna let me in?” For a moment, the only response coming from confused Twilight was a quiet hum. “Oh, I see... As a princess, you no longer want to be seen with your old mother—”
A magical grasp interrupted her, pulling her closer to Twilight, and a tight hug quickly followed.
“Don’t be silly, Mom. You’re always welcome here. It’s just… I think this is the first time you visit my castle. I’m a bit shocked to see you.”
“Well, there is a first time for everything. Is Spike around? I would like to say hello.”
“He’s helping out Rarity, but he should be back in a few hours. How long will you be staying?”
Velvet lips curled into a playful pout. “Why? Already planning to kick me out?”
Twilight responded with a pout of her own. “On the contrary! Having a famous writer like you around should do wonders for my image.”
Velvet deadpanned and glared at Twilight, arching her eyebrow. The dangerous glance instantly wiped the sulky look away from Princess’s face.
“I see that someone’s been teaching you sarcasm...” Velvet’s words made Twilight bit her lip and glanced away like a scolded filly. But then, her mom poked her gently and smiled. “I like it! My little Twily is finally growing up...”
Twilight exhaled loudly, shaking her head. “Keep doing that, and your little Twily may die of a heart attack. That glare still makes me shiver.”
“As it should! Which reminds me, Shining Armor and You still owe me a cookie jar!”
They both let out a chuckle, and Velvet finally walked inside, scanning the palace in awe.
“Why didn’t you inform me you were coming? I would—”
“Make poor Spike work day and night to get the castle ready?” Twilight answered with a sheepish smile. “I know you Twi, I wanted to spare you the unnecessary effort. Especially since I will be gone tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow, already? Aw... I was hoping you would stay for a while longer.”
“Sorry, honey, but I’m just passing through. I finally published my new novel and—”
“You did?! Can I read it?!”
The sudden explosion of glee made Velvet arch her eyebrow again, but this time from the surprise. “Since when do you like romance novels, Twily? I recall you calling them a waste of time.”
The question turned the delight on Twilight’s face into embarrassing blush. “Um, my friend, Rarity, introduced me to some of her books and, I... um, kind of...”
“Liked them?” Twilight’s blushy nod made Velvet smile. “My, my, you really are growing up. Maybe there’s a chance for that grandson or granddaughter, yet!” Just like that, Twilight’s smile turned into an irritated frown. “Oh, don’t give me that look!”
“What look?”
Velvet tapped her chin, thinking. “Hmm, it’s either the ‘I asked you not to talk about it!’ or the ‘here we go again for the millionth time!’ Not sure which...”
Twilight shot her a sarcastic smirk. “You’re as perceptive as always, mom. And as stubborn too!”
“Oh, come on. You cannot blame me for wanting to cuddle a grandson before I die.”
“You’re talking as if there was no time. You’re ill or something?”
Suddenly, Velvet’s face turned blank, and she glanced away. “Yes, Twiliy. I am dying...”
“W-what?!” Twilight’s shocked jaw hit the floor, leaving her gaping.
“Dying for a grandson, I mean.” Velvet said, then winked, but that only turned Twilight’s shock into a frown. “Don’t give me that face, young lady–give me a foal!”
Twilight rolled her eyes, another day, same topic. She had lost track of how many times they had this conversation before. But just as she was mentally preparing for the barrage of embarrassing comments, something burst through her castle’s still open door and splattered nearby.
“Derpy!” Twilight pulled the dazed mailmare up from the floor. “Are you all right?!”
Derpy shook her head with a smile as if nothing happened. “Um... yeah. Got a... this!” She passed a large envelope to Twilight and flew away, almost hitting the door frame... again.
Twilight glanced at the package, trying to recall what it could be, but froze once her eyes reached the receiver’s name. A few seconds of silence followed until Velvet broke it.
“You OK, Twily?”
“Y-yeah, it’s just... this is for James.”
“James? That human super fella living here?” Twilight answered with a nervous nod. “So, what about it? You seem tense.”
“It’s just... he rarely orders anything. And he didn’t tell me he would...”
Velvet arched her eyebrow and smiled. “An adult man didn’t ask you for permission before ordering something for himself? The horror!”
“Yeah, laugh it up. You’re not the one who has to deal with his antics! Do you know what he gave me for my last birthday? ’Pony Sutra, Extended Edition!’”
Velvet’s smile brightened up. “Really?! Did you read it?”
Twilight flinched. “Of course not! I’m not gonna read some... smut! Who reads that stuff, anyway?”
Velvet exhaled loudly, her smile flattening like a deflating balloon. “... everyone, Twilight. Except you. Got to give that fella A+ for effort, though.”Twilight rolled her irritated eyes again, but then, a small smile returned to Velvet’s face, giving her an idea. " Tell you what–you need to give him his package anyway, right? Why don’t you introduce us?”
“You want to meet James? Why?” Twilight arched her eyebrow, smirking ironically. “It wouldn’t be to tell him to get me a sex toy instead of a book the next time, would it?”
“I would never! … besides, Cadance already got you one from what she told me.” Twilight facehoofed at her smirking mother, praying for the topic to just end. “Anyway, I want to meet your human friend because he sounds like an interesting fella. And… rumor has it, every time he visits Canterlot, he sleeps in the brothel.”
“That’s… not a rumor. James really sleeps in there... or in the dungeon.”
“Celly locks him in the dungeon?”
“She locked him once, and... he liked it. Now he usually just sneaks in.” Velvet cocked her head and blinked in confusion. “Yes, I know how it sounds. He and his friends are probably in the science lab, messing around.”
“Ah, yes, the lab! I remember how excited you were in your letters when you were setting it up. Didn’t you write that you used some of the technology that human brought from home?”
“Um… yes?”
“Care to show me how it looks? Maybe I could use it in my next sci-fi book.”
Instead of an answer, Twilight winced.
“What? It’s a mess in there? I recall how your old ‘lab’ back in our home in Canterlot used to look.”
“No, it’s not that. It’s just... James… He is... He can be annoying and takes some getting used to.”
“So were Shining Armor and You when you were fillies… Especially you.” Velvet chuckled. “You have no idea how many times I wanted to strangle you with a pillow.”
“Oh, come on, I wasn’t that bad… Was I?”
Velvet’s lips curled into a small grin. “Do you want me to send you the ‘Journal of Naughtiness’?”
“The... what?”
“Night Light and I started it after you almost burned down the house... for the third time.”
Biting her lip, Twilight jerked her head away. “Y-you know about that?”
“The missing perfumes and a stench of burned curtains were always a dead giveaway. Well, that and Cadance told us.”
“She what?!” Twilight let out an angry snort and frowned. “That... snitch! I’m gonna have a little talk with her!”
“She was your babysitter; she had to report on your pyromaniac tendencies. Also, Shining Armor told us how you set him on fire.”
“That… crybaby!” Twilight said, but Velvet’s cold glare quickly turned her pout into a sheepish smile. “Um... to be fair, he really deserved it back then!”
“So... it wasn’t an accident? Nice…” Velvet shook her head, scolding Twilight as if she were a filly again. “The things you learn every day. I’ll remember to make an entry in the Journal, young lady.”
“But... I...” Twilight opened her mouth to counter, but seeing her mother’s glare, she quickly closed it. There was no winning this. “Ugh... me and my big mouth. Come on, let me show you the lab...”
***
Inside the lab, grumbling James began walking down the firing range. He knew the routine all too well–another day, another pain. Being an immortal super soldier sucked balls–and not in a fun way!
“OK, stop! Perfect…” John–another human said, already aiming at James from the .50 Cal gun. His lightly scarred, forty-plus old face was screaming with joy.
James turned around, groaning like a child. With his brown eyes locked onto the floor and the expression of resignation painted behind his bum-like stubble, he was like a prisoner moments before the execution. “Ugh, why does it always have to be me?”
“Because you’re an immortal and self-regenerating bastard. Or because the universe hates you. Or...” John’s smile turned into a grin. “Because I like shooting your masochistic ass. Take your pick.”
“Hrmph, I smell ‘D’–all of the above, you bastard. And I’m not a masochist—”
Just then, the lab’s airlock let out a loud hiss. The door opened, revealing Twilight and her mother entering the room.
Immediately, Twilight’s eyes began darting between the gun and miserable looking James. “Um, guys, what’s going on here?”
“We’re testing the new iteration of Hyperflex nano-polymer!” Peter Kleiner–an egghead looking human–replied enthusiastically, readjusting the glasses on his nose. “It should increase armor’s durability by twenty percent!”
“And you’re using James instead of a mannequin because...”
John smiled, cocking the gun. “It’s funnier this way!” James replied with the finger, only widening John’s grin. “See what I mean?”
“Plus! We need to see how the new heuristic algorithms will handle post-trauma body adaptation,” Kleiner said.
“So… you’re just gonna shoot him and collect data as he’s writhing in agony on the floor?”
“Well… yeah!” John said, but seeing Twilight’s unsure expression, quickly added. “Don’t worry, Twi, he’s immortal, remember? And I will clean off the blood.”
“Wait, what blood?” Velvet said, but the yell of irritated James interrupted her.
“Ugh! Could you get on with it?!”
“Actually, I would ask you to postpone for a few minutes. I brought James a package and—”
“IT’S HERE?!” An enthusiastic scream echoed through the room. They all turned to see James springing towards them, beaming like a child on a birthday. “Gimme! Gimme!” He snatched the package out of Twilight’s magic, grinning even more. “Yes, yes, yes! Finally!”
Seeing James’ giddy attitude, Twilight frowned. “I hope this is nothing illegal?”
“Illegal… like the meth and heroin plants he built in your basement?”
“Yes! ... wait, what—”
“Eh! Don’t listen to John, he’s a crazy man, soon to die in a tragic… accident!” James interjected, making a knife motion on his neck. “Anyway, what’s inside the package is legal. It’s a book!”
Twilight sighed in relief, but then a shiver shot up her spine, followed by an involuntary flinch of revulsion. “... oh no.”
“More like, oh, yes, Yes, YES! I present to you...” James ripped off the envelope revealing a brand-new shiny cover. “’The Heat of Passion Chapter Thirteen–Hot Affair on a Frozen Express!’ by Saucy Saddles!”
“In other words, a smut that was written by a cheap hag,” Twilight said.
James frowned. “I’m gonna tell Rarity you said that.”
“What? Rarity reads... that?”
“Of course, where do you think I first saw that book? And ’The Heat of Passion’ series is not some cheap pulp erotica. Midnight Glow and Velure Dusk are like a bunch of real ponies! And each book has a plot, you know.”
“I bet...”
“It’s true, damn it! For example, in this one, they got stranded on a train in the middle of nowhere in the magical snowstorm. They had to perform some aggressive cuddling in a few... inappropriate places to release the ‘Magic of Intimate Friendship’ and save everyone on the train.”
Twilight arched her eyebrow. “And you call that… a plot?”
“Yes! ... plus, Velure Dusk also seems to have a very nice plot–if you know what I mean.” James winked.
Twilight rolled her eyes, but Velvet stepped in and place a hoof on her shoulder. “Honey, never judge a book by its cover.”
“Hear, hear! I like you already, Miss...?” James cocked his head, scanning Twilight’s mother from left to right. “Hmm, you seem familiar...”
“I certainly hope so. The name is Velvet, mister. Does that ring any bells?”
James began tapping on his chin. “Hmm, Velvet, Velvet…” Suddenly, he paled and began backing up. “Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold it there, Missy!” He was shaking his head like mad. “I know who you are, and I’m not falling for this trap!”
Velvet tilted her head. “... pardon?”
But James just kept going. “You heard me! I know for a fact there is no way I could impregnate a pony! I’m not paying any alimony! So, beat it!”
Twilight glanced at her confused mother with worry, but instead of anger she had expected, Velvet’s lip began curling into a smirk. A chuckle quickly followed.
“Mister... who do you think I am?”
“Velvet... Um… Velvet-something! The hooker from ’Under the Red Horseshoe’ I slept with! ... right?” Velvet shook her head. “No?” James bit his lip. “Um… is there any chance you’re that prostitute I asked Twilight to get for me?”
Twilight suddenly stepped in, gritting her teeth. “That is Twilight Velvet... My mother!”
James tilted his head left, then right, then shook it, confused. “... your mother’s a prostitute?” The only response he got from Twilight was an empty annoyed look and a growl. “I’ll take that as a ‘no’...”
Velvet chuckled yet again–calmly, coolly, totally unphased by James’ comment. “You really asked my Twiliy to get you a hooker?”
“What? I helped save Equestria, is a prostitute too much to ask?”
“Oh, why stop there? Maybe you should ask for a princess instead.”
James’ smiled faded a little. “I asked, but Celestia keeps shutting me down. I even wrote her a poem, but Twilight said it’s blunt and disgusting.”
“You call THAT a poem?!”
“Wait, honey! I’m interested!” Velvet said. “What kind of poem?”
“Oh, it went like... Roses are red, violets are blue, rhyming is hard, let me f—”
“I think I get the picture!” Velvet interrupted and turned to Twilight. “I can see your friend is very forward.”
“Forward is an understatement. There is not a subtle bone in his body!”
James smiled lecherously. “That’s because I have another type of bone if you know what I mean...”
Twilight just rolled her eyes again. She wanted to wait this out, as usual. But Velvet was a different story.
“And did you show your… bone, to my daughter?”
“M-mom! Don’t play his games...”
“That’s a genuine question. If you’re doing something naughty, then as your mother, I would like to know.”
“Ha! Princess Twilight the Chaste, doing something naughty? I wish...” James said in a disappointed tone. “I even installed a spy cam in her room, to be sure, but—”
“YOU WHAT?!”
“Hey! I’m worried about you. Isn’t that what friends do?” Twilight answered with a cold glare. “Anyway, there was nothing, nada, null! She’s as clean as a whistle and completely immune to my charm. Which is pretty sad, really...”
Velvet sighed. “... I’m not getting that grandson, am I?”
“Hmm, if we could get her drunk...” His comment made Twilight frown. “OK... I mean, very, Very, VERY drunk. Then maybe...”
But Twilight raised her nose high and replied in an official-sounding tone. “I do not drink. And even if I did, I would not touch you no matter how drunk I would have got!”
James’ lips curled into a pervy smile. “You don’t know what you’re missing—”
“Five minutes of questionable pleasure, plus a headache, regret, and self-loathing afterward?”
James turned to Velvet. “Hey, help me out here! Chastise her, or spank her, or... something.”
“For telling the truth?”
“The truth?” James smiled again. “The truth is that thanks to nano-enhancements and stuff, I’m better at sex than anyone!”
Velvet grinned ironically. “Anyone, really? Now, all you need is a partner other than your left hoof.”
Just like that, James’ smile went out of the airlock, leaving behind a nasty scowl. The smirking faces all around weren’t helping matters.
“... that would be the right hand, and... what the hell? You’re a pony! You’re supposed to be fluffy-wuffy and adorable, not sarcastic.”
“Oh, I wasn’t being sarcastic... I was brutally honest. I would think that someone who has such a strong grasp of the obvious as you should understand that.”
James’ mouth opened, then closed abruptly, his scowl intensified. But Velvet wasn’t done yet.
“Oh, don’t be like that, honey. You must stop taking yourself so seriously. No one else does.”
Seeing the grins around him, James accepted defeat, letting out a chuckle and shaking his head. “OK, you’re good… I like it! But who are you, really?”
“Did you miss the introduction? Twilight Velvet is the name. I’m Twilight’s mother.”
“Yeah, sure. You want me to believe that the Goody Little Two Horseshoes here has a mother that—”
Suddenly, Velvet’s heavy leather saddlebag caught James’ eye, quickly filling his head with a few questions. One, where did she buy a leather saddlebag? Two, who did they had to skin to make it? And three, why was the loaded bag, on a collision course with his face?
The smacking sound spilled all over the room a moment later, leaving James dumbstruck and gaping at scowling Velvet.
“No one’s gonna call my daughter names with me around. Get it?”
A smart person would get it, back down, and apologize. But James’ wasn’t that smart. For him, the smash to the face was like an invitation for more. But before he could utter a word, John approached them with a tray of tea.
“I think that answers your question, boss.” He turned to Velvet. “John Wildman, ma’am, and that over there is doctor Peter Kleiner. A pleasure to meet you. Can I interest you in some tea?”
“Well, thank you kindly, John—”
“Hold it, ass kisser! Her actions prove nothing,” James said, then an idiot smile filled his face. “I mean… even if she’s Twilight’s legal mother, we don’t know if Twilight and her brother weren’t adopted.”
Slowly, gently, Velvet placed her glass back on the tray and motioned John to step back. Then, her saddlebag lunched like a train, this time, not only smashing the grin off James’ face but also sending him tumbling to the floor.
James glanced at frowning Velvet, who was looming above him like death itself. His smile widened. “Ugh, does that mean Twilight wasn’t adopted, but her asshole brother was?”
Smack!
“... he wasn’t, but Twilight was?”
Smack!
“Ouch! Fine, I get it! But they’re so different!” James smiled viciously. “... he wouldn’t be a one-night stand, would he?”
Smack! Smack! Smack!
With a smile, John kept calmly drinking his tea. Smack, talkback, rinse, and repeat–that was the theme of the moment.
“Ugh, I better break this up,” Twilight said, but John stopped her immediately.
“You joking? I can watch it the whole day! You better drink some tea.” John poured her a glass. “It will calm your nerves.”
Twilight inhaled the strong scent and levitated the cup. Just then, Velvet’s saddlebag connected with James’ chin once again, lunching him to the air. “You’re right, John.” She smiled at the ongoing onslaught, taking a sip. “This is very relaxing…”
James’ face was soon blue, beaten, and bruised, with a tickle of blood sipping from his cut lip. Even so, he kept beaming like an idiot.
“OK, I think I finally get it! What you meant to say is that... Um...” Suddenly, his smile faded, and his lips curled. He raised his hands and began counting, but after a few moments, gave up with a sigh of disappointment. “Damn it, I ran out of insults…”
Smack!
“H-hey! What was that for?!”
“That one was for good measure!” James opened his mouth to protest, but Velvet’s dangerously squinted eyes shut him up. “Now, do you believe I’m who I say I am, or do you want me to hit you some more?”
“You made some... painfully convincing arguments, I grant you that. BUT there is only one way to be completely sure.”
“Hey, what are you—Ouch!” Velvet flinched as James pulled a single hair out of her mane and put it in his mouth. “... mane-eating fetish? That’s a first...”
James smiled again. “Well, we could go upstairs, and I could show you what other things I can eat.”
His comment got him an ironic smile from Velvet and a mix of growl and scowl from Twilight, screaming rip, and tear. If her twitching eye was any indication, she was approaching her limit… fast.
“Oh, don’t give me that look, Twilight. In a few moments, my nano-tech will finish analyzing her DNA. Then we will all know that—”
James let out an audible gulp, actually swallowing Velvet’s purple hair in the process. His eyes widened then, as has the smirk on Velvet’s face. Twilight’s not so much. She looked like some vicious monster from nightmares, ready to rip his heart and eat it. Good for him that he didn’t have one anymore.
“Fuck me... You really are her mother! But how? I’m so confused...”
“That’s it?!” Twilight said. “Is there anything else you would like to say after that display and name-calling?!”
“Only that, I’m very sorry—”
“I hope so!”
“—that she’s not a hooker, I mean. Something tells me we would have a good time together.”
First, there was a twitch, then a snort, and then Twilight’s horn ignited like the Olympic torch. Growling like a dog with rabies, she began moving her aim towards the smirking human, getting closer and closer—
“I can see what you meant by ‘he takes some getting used to!’” Velvet said with a chuckle, breaking Twilight’s concentration. “I like him, Twi–leave him be.”
After clenching her teeth and letting out a hissing exhale that would put a steam engine to shame, Twilight’s magic died down. But the shocked expression on James’ face didn’t; it just turned to her mother.
“No way... How the hell is it possible you’re Twilight’s mother? I don’t get it...”
“Don’t know much about romance, do you, honey?” James shrugged. “Well, let’s just say it is different each time. For example, in the case of Shining Armor, it took a few months of dating, an expensive romantic dinner… a night of great, rough sex—”
“MOM!”
“Hush, Twilight! Adults are talking. But I’m afraid I still have trouble understanding that romance thing, Miss Velvet. Now, if you could visualize that night for me, say...” James smiled. “List all the positions you used.”
Velvet smiled back. “Ah, but there were so many...”
James blinked, froze, unfroze, shook his head and let out a chuckle–and did it all at once. Then, his smile widened. He was beaming like a kid in a candy store.
“Smart, beautiful, sarcastic, not afraid to kick ass, and lewd?! Good god, woman! Where have you been all my life?!”
Gritting her teeth, Twilight let out a long, deep exhale, then glanced him in the eyes. “That’s my Mom, and she’s married!”
“Yeah, I know, but...” James’ smile turned lewd. “Maybe she’s not serious about it?”
Twilight’s growl echoed through the castle, forcing everyone to cover their ears. As they were recovering, a sound of breaking metal filled the air. James’ eyes widened then, locked onto the barrel of levitating .50 Cal gun that Twilight had aimed at him.
“Ah, something tells me you don’t want me and your mother to be friends…” James said with a nervous chuckle, but Twilight remained frozen, just hissing and glaring. “OK... I’m sorry. You can put that down, all right?”
Twilight hissed again, but after a second, began turning the gun away.
James turned to Velvet. “Phew, that was close. I guess she doesn’t want me in the family.”
“I would think so, yes.”
“Too bad. But say… are you guys perhaps into threesomes?”
“ENOUGH!” A crazed battle cry left Twilight’s mouth. She teleported her mother behind her and established a shield. Then, bullets began flying James’ way like golden raindrops. It took only a second for the onslaught to reach his head, adding some much-needed ventilation for his skull. Just as his brain hit the wall, his body hit the floor, dead. But Twilight kept firing with a mad grin on her face until the ammo belt ran dry. Breathing heavily, she dropped the shield, and an eerie silence filled the smoked room.
Doctor Kleiner run-up to the lifeless body with a phone-like device and began scanning it from top to bottom. “This is bad! Very, very bad!” He sighed in disappointment, shaking his head at the full of holes powered armor covering the cadaver. “According to the readings, we have only improved the armor by ten percent.”
“I told you that computer model is never accurate,” John said, sipping his tea again as if nothing happened. “Hmm, maybe if you could add some more—”
“Twilight! You killed him!” Velvet yelled, with shock on her face. “You killed him! How could you?!”
“Yeah, how could you! He was mine to kill, damn it!” John said accusingly, but Twilight answered by pointing the smoking gun towards him and glaring with a mad grin. “Hrmph, fortunately, it’s out of ammo.” Just then, John noticed another belt flying towards the gun, and a sound of cocking the lock filled the air a second later, making him gulp. “OK, I’m gonna shut up now...”
“Are you all insane?!” Velvet yelled, her shocked eyes darting between them. “My daughter killed a man!”
“Well, yes, but honestly, she lasted more than usual.” John’s comment made Velvet blink. “Ah, you think he really is…? That explains it. Sorry, but I doubt we’re so lucky.” John took a device, looking like a candlestick with syringes, and walked towards James. Then, without a word, he injected the weird mixture into the cadaver. “Watch.”
For a second nothing happened, but then the so-called corpses of James let out a growl, miraculously waiting from his dirt nap. His glowing wounds were healing in front of Velvet’s stunned eyes.
“Ugh... Fuck, that hurts…”
Velvet shook her head and took a step back, still shocked. “B-but that’s impossible! His brain is splattered on the wall!”
“Come on, it’s not like he was using it in the first place…”
“Fuck you, John…” James said and turned to Velvet. “And you should be more worried about my poor prunes…” He grabbed his crotch and winced. “I won’t be able to fap like… for a day.”
“B-but... But...”
James rolled the one eye that was still attached to his body. “Which part of ’he is immortal’ did you miss? I can regenerate everything. Oh, and by the way, thank you for playing along. I needed to put a good show to get Twilight going. Honestly, provoking her is becoming more and more difficult.”
This time Twilight cocked her head, and an angry expression filled her face. “You... You knew?!”
“That she’s your mother? Of course, I knew! It’s hard to miss the pictures you have all around the castle, you know.”
“Then… why the charade?”
James smiled and glanced at John that was making desperate gestures to silence him. “To win fifty bits from him.” Twilight turned towards John, her eyes twitching again. But James wasn’t done yet. “And… to yank your chain. That’s always fun—”
A well-placed headshot interrupted him, forcing his freshly regenerated brain out of his skull. Then, the gun turned towards John. Unlike James, he wasn’t smiling.
“You...” Twilight hissed. “YOU!”
“T-Twilight, before you do something, keep in mind that unlike him, I’m not immortal!”
Twilight’s lips curled into a grin, her head bobbing up and down... She was like a mad slasher before a kill. Staring at the barrel of the gun, John’s life flashed before his eyes. But just when he thought he was about to meet his maker, Velvet stepped in.
“Twilight, put that down.”
“No!” Twilight said, but Velvet responded by arching her eyebrow. The glare coming from her began scolding Twilight like when she was a filly. “N-no, m-mom...”
“This instant, young lady!”
With a pout of disappointment, Twilight obliged, gently placing the gun on the floor.
John exhaled nervously. “T-thank you, and sorry, Twilight, you’re not mad, are you?” Twilight answered with a very unroyal ‘hrmph!’ and a scowl. “I’ll take that as ‘yes I am.’ Hmm, tell you what, how about dinner as an apology? My special for just the two of you?”
Twilight cocked her angry head, but the delicious thoughts of John’s tasty cooking were already turning her scowl into a smile. “… add no nagging me for a month, for ordering hayburgers, and you have a deal.”
“But… that’s unhealthy trash! … a week at most!”
“Two weeks!”
“Done!”
“Ugh... Hold on, goddamn it!” James protested, waking up from his dirt nap again. “I got killed two times, and he just needs to cook you dinner and stop moaning about your eating habits? How does that make sense?!”
Twilight smiled ironically. “It does because, unlike you, John can learn from his mistakes.”
“... now that’s just mean.” James turned to Velvet. “You’re her mother, tell her… something!”
But Velvet kept shaking her head. “This is all… surreal… And let me get this straight. You were playing all the time?”
“Well, yeah. Aside from the ’Twilight the Chaste’ part. Oh, and the woman of my dreams part. You sure you’re serious about your marriage?”
Twilight arched her eyebrow. “You want me to shoot you again?!”
“I have this, honey. And sorry, mister, I’m afraid I’m pretty serious.” Velvet’s words flattened James’ smile. But then, a crazy idea struck her. " But… how about my daughter? She’s free, and you can obviously take on her antics.”
A few things happened. James shut up as his face switched to a ’WTF just happened moment’ mode. John almost choked on his tea. Twilight remained conscious, although she hoped she wasn’t.
“Mom, please...” Twilight whispered, her cheeks on fire. “It’s not the time.”
But Velvet would have none of that. “It’s never the time, is it? I want a foal or... What are you smirking about, mister?”
James grabbed his flask. “Let’s just say that this is very relatable.”
“Well, then maybe you should both make your mothers proud?”
“Unless some more humans made it here, I’m off the hook. Like I said earlier, I can’t impregnate a pony.” He smirked and took a sip, but then Kleiner dropped a bomb.
“Actually, with a few adjustments, we could make you mate with any species!”
James’s vodka spewed from his mouth, turning into a stream of stars. Coughing, he turned to doctor Kleiner, hoping this was one of those weird egghead jokes, but his face was as serious as ever.
“Come again, doc?”
“Oh, it’s quite simple, really. With nano-tech in your blood, all we would have to do is get some pony DNA, clean it up, and make some adjustments in your reproductive system.”
“No way! Nobody is touching my—”
“Really?!” Velvet said, high as a kite. “Could I pick the coat, eyes, mane color, and exact specie? I always wanted a nice fluffy azure pegasus!”
Twilight glanced at her overjoyed mother with horrors in her eyes, praying she wasn’t serious. James also shot Velvet a glance, but his was more of a mixed bag. But after pictures of a toddler filled his face, he shrugged in fear.
“Forget it!”
“What? My Twilight is not good enough for you?”
“Your Twilight is fine. Doing your Twilight would be fine. But taking care of the little brat would not! Besides, I can see it now. A nano-enhanced baby alicorn, drinking vodka instead of milk, and shouting ’Friendship through Power! In the name of Twilight!’” James stopped, tapping his chin. “Hmm, on the other hand, could be fun… But anyway, I’m afraid I’m busy for the next hundred years.”
Velvet cocked her head. “Hundred years? Doing what?”
“Historical research and cataloging. All that porn I brought from Earth is not gonna watch and tag itself, you know.”
“Perfect! My Twilight could help you with that!”
James’ lips flatten into a face of concern and confusion. “OK, this is getting weird and awkward, even for me. And Twilight? Just look at her. Your words made her red and shrinking like a... Um… Hmm… Huh, somehow, I can’t think of a non-sexual metaphor.”
Velvet chuckled. “Shocking—”
“Could we… change the subject, PLEASE? Or did you just come here to embarrass me?”
“Twilight, embarrassing you is the only chance I have for getting a foal. But if you insist... Do any of you want to hear about my new book? It’s a romance novel about a tragic love between an earth pony and a unicorn during old times.” James cringed. “Not your cup of tea, huh?”
“Nothing is his cup of tea, Mom,” Twilight said. “Except for that pulp erotica trash, that is.”
“… says the one who thinks that ’The art of the TODO list’ is a classic...”
Twilight flushed. “That’s a critical book! Do you have any idea how hard it would be without it?”
“Not as hard as it gets when reading Saucy’s books, that’s for sure.” Twilight answered to his smirk with a frown of annoyance. “Fine, let’s make a little comparison, shall we?” He turned to Velvet. “Can I see that book of yours? I assume it was the thing inside the saddlebag that smashed my face a few minutes ago.”
Twilight smirked. “Yes, Mom! Show him! Let see how mister handsome reacts to some real literature.”
James frowned. “No need to insult me, Miss lonesome. Besides, the last time I checked, we were both sleeping in empty beds, but only I was doing something about it.”
“True, but you know what the difference is?” Twilight’s smirk widened. “My bed is empty by choice!”
“And mine is empty because the last time I brought in a hooker, you threw her out!”
Velvet’s eyes darted between Twilight and James as they kept exchanging insults. Then, she turned to John, who was calmly seeping his tea, not minding the squabble one bit.
“They fight like that, and they’re not sleeping with each other?”
“Oh, this is nothing. You should have seen James quarreling with Celestia—”
“Hey, stop talking behind my back! Especially when I’m standing next to you.”
“What? Everybody knows you like her.” John turned to Velvet. “He keeps an inflatable version in his room.”
“N-no, I don’t! ... well, not anymore, it deflated over time…”
Velvet smiled. “You’re aiming high, I see.”
“Anyone can aim for Celestia or Pamela Anderson, but most of us will have to settle for Pamela Handerson. Anyway, what about that book?”
“Um... OK, sure.” Velvet opened her bag and levitated the novel to James.
He opened the cover and began turning page after page.
“Wait, wha...? Ah... clever!” He said and began turning pages again. “Whoa, that’s brutal! ... ... ... Son of a bitch! I didn’t know you had so many deaths in romance!”
“Tragic romance, and... you already read like one-tenth of the entire book?!”
James shrugged. “Nano-enhanced eyes, I could read even faster. Hmm... hmm—”
“Your tea is getting cold,” John interjected and passed Velvet the tray with her cup. “Do you want some sugar?”
“Two spoons, please.”
“Coming right… up?”
A sudden sniffle coming from James interrupted them. They turned to see him with glistening eyes, nervously nibbling on his trembling lip and starting to snivel.
The view put a smile on Velvet’s face. “Too emotional for you, honey?”
“W-what? N-no! No! Something… must have fallen into my eye!” He sniffled again. “Before I continue, is there any passionate love scene between princess’ daughter and Dauntless Heart?”
“Chapter forty-eight.”
James jumped right to it. “OK, so far so good, but let’s see how you can write some passion!”
His eyes began to dart from left to right, feverishly absorbing the text. What started as a smile quickly turned into a grin and then into a face of bliss. He was licking his lips, salivating like a dog in the heat. When suddenly, it all stopped, and his eyebrow jerked up.
“Something wrong, honey?”
“No, this is good, I would say even great! I like it…”
“See?” Twilight said, grinning. “I told you my mother was a pro, not some pulp writer.”
“Yes, she’s a pro, all right... Miss Velvet, do you know what heuristic algorithms that Kleiner mentioned earlier are?” Velvet shook her head. “They can find common and specific patterns, inside the text, for example. See, the way we do things is encoded inside our brains. Including the way, we walk, talk, and...” A devilish smile filled his face. “The way we write. Writing styles are very distinguishable between different authors, you know…”
This time Velvet flushed and glanced away. Twilight saw it and immediately moved in.
“What are you implying?”
“Well, let’s just say that your mother’s writing is 99.3 percent compatible with the writing of somebody else... But since she glanced away, blushing, she knows that already. Don’t you... Saucy Saddles!”
Twilight frowned again. “You are really asking for it, mister! My mother would never write such a... lowbrow literature!”
“... then why are her cheeks on fire?”
“Right...” Smiling, Twilight turned to Velvet. “Mom, tell him!” But instead of a quick retort she had hoped for, Velvet was silently biting her lip. “M-mom? You’re not... her, right?”
“Um… no, I’m not!” Velvet said, only to hear a beeping sound.
James pointed to the device on his wrist. It was flashing red. “That’s not what my lie detector here says. You are a liar!”
“No, I’m not—”
“Liar, liar, face on fire!”
“Are you... are you three?!” Velvet said, only to have James repeat the childish rhyme again and again. “Twilight, a little help, please?”
But Twilight remained frozen in place, gaping. “Mom, the last time I saw you flushed like this, was when Shining Armor and I walked in on you, and you tried to convince us you and dad were having a ‘screaming contest’ in bed!”
“A screaming contest?!” James’ grin widened. “Who won?”
“Shut it!”
“Only if you admit that you’re a… naughty little pony!”
“I’m n-not!”
James smirked. “Liar, liar, face on fire!”
“Oh, shut up—”
“Liar, liar, face on fire!”
“I… ugh! Fine! Just please, shut up!” Velvet yelled and exhaled loudly, throwing in the towel. “I am... Saucy Saddles. You happy now?”
To say James was happy would be an understatement. His eyes were wide and sparkling, and a bright smile was running from one cheek to the next. Then, he exploded with glee, clapping his hand like a little girl.
“YES! I’m your biggest fan!” He grabbed her hoof, shaking it madly. “Those books are fun-fucking-tastic!”
“Um... t-thanks?”
“You wait right here! Be right back!”
He sped out of the lab, leaving behind Velvet, and frozen Twilight gaping at her like some statue of terror.
“M-mom? You... write...”
“Oh, come on, Twilight. These books are just... books. And they sell very well.”
“B-but... b-but... these books are, smut!”
Velvet smiled. “Why do you think they sell... Oh, heavens...”
James was back... holding a dozen books. “What?” He said, blushing himself. “I told you I’m your biggest fan!”
“Then, can you promise me you won’t reveal my pen name to anyone?”
“Hmm, on three conditions. One, you’ll sign each one of those.” James patted the stack of books. “Two, Twilight will apologize for all the insults she threw at Saucy Saddles.”
The scowls coming from her mother and James made Twilight’s ears droop against her skull. With her cheeks on fire, she began shrinking like a filly.
Velvet nodded. “Twilight agrees... and three?”
“Three...” James grinned. “You’ll tell me your secret to writing such vivid characters!”
Velvet produced a pen from her bag and began signing his books. “You flatter me, but... there is no secret. I just write what I know.”
“Oh, come on, Midnight Glow and Velure Dusk are so goddamn real! There must be something! Vivid imagination? Meditation? Masturbation? Tell me, please!”
“Wait!” Twilight suddenly interjected, shaking. “What are the names of the characters, again?!”
“Um, Midnight Glow and Velure Dusk, why?” James said, but Twilight just kept gaping at her mother, who was doing everything not to look in her direction, signing James’ books as slowly as possible. “You, ladies, OK? Twilight?”
But Twilight kept mumbling the same line over and over. “... Midnight Glow and Velure Dusk... Velure Dusk and Midnight Glow... Twilight Velvet and Night Light?!” She turned to her mother, growling. “Did you put your and dad’s… sexual adventures for anyone to read?!”
Velvet said nothing, but the blush, sweat, and embarrassed expression were loud enough.
“The last one is on a frozen train…” Twilight eyes shot wide. “Heavens! You were stuck on a train when going to Flurry’s Crystalling!” She yelled, but Velvet was still silent as a tomb. “Well, say something!”
“What do you want me to say, Twilight? I… I write what I know. Besides, there is nothing wrong in having a little… adventure now and then.”
“On a train full of other ponies?!” Twilight yelled, breathing fast. “This is just… just…”
“Hold a goddamn second, both of you!” James interjected, then turned to Velvet. “Are you telling me that when Midnight Glow and Velure Dusk were almost caught in their son’s school’s closet, that was... real?!” Seeing Velvet’s blush intensifying, he grinned like an idiot. “Fuck me! I want details!”
Velvet scowled. “Forget it, mister!”
But James’s smile turned into a devilish grin. “You wouldn’t want me to spread the news who Saucy Saddles really is, would you?”
“You wouldn’t dare—”
“Trust me, he would,” John said. “You better tell him what he wants to know.”
Velvet hissed. “Ugh! It was years ago, OK? Shining Armor was just admitted to his first school, and we brought him in, and...” Suddenly, her lips curled, and flashback hit her hard, filling her face with an involuntary smirk. “... darn, that was some great sex.”
“And the... almost getting cough part?”
Velvet’s smile widened. “That was the best part.”
“Fuck me, lady, you’re lewder than I thought! I like it! When is the next book coming up?”
“Probably never.” Velvet’s comment made James scowl. “What? Night Light and I are not getting any younger, you know.”
“If your stallion is getting a little droopy lately, I can give you some pills with mycoxafloppin to sharpen his woody.” Velvet rolled her eyes. “Hey, I’m serious! Those pills do wonders! Just ask Twilight.”
James pointed at the alicorn, but her eyes were darting from left to right as if her mind was calculating some impossible math problem.
“Hmm, she’s in a loop… again. Don’t worry, she should be out of it in a moment.”
As if on cue, Twilight stopped, her empty stare turning back to her mother. “How old was Shining when he went to that school?”
“Twily, why is that—”
“HOW OLD?!”
“Um... Seven, I think. Why?” Twilight froze once again, just gaping like a statue. “Honey, what’s wrong?”
“I’m seven years younger than Shining Armor. That’s what’s wrong!”
“So?” Velvet cocked her head, but then her lips curled, filling her face with an embarrassing grimace. “Oh...”
“Yes, ‘oh’ is right!” Twilight gasped in horror. “I was... conceived in a janitor’s... closet!” Her breathing was speeding up.
Velvet blushed. “Um, more like in the team’s coach closet...”
“WHATEVER! MOM, you... Ugh!” Twilight began wheezing and banging her hoof, like an asthmatic dinosaur in the mating season. But then it stopped as abruptly as it started, and a long exhale followed. “... maybe I am overreacting. I mean, I knew you were always a little...”
“Crazy?”
Twilight smiled. “The word I would use is... adventurous. If dad can handle it, so can I.” She wrapped her hooves around her mother’s neck, and they shared a long, warm hug.
“So, you’re not mad, Twiliy?”
“No, not at you anyway. That said... cover your ears.”
As soon as Velvet did so, a mad-sounding growl left Twilight’s mouth. Her horn lit up like a torch, then glowing-hot energy blasts struct James, turning his body into a bloody Swiss cheese again. She stopped firing, only after he hit the floor.
“Ugh… you done?” James grumbled, clenching his damaged body.
With a smile, Twilight blew at her smoking horn. “Yes, now I’m feeling much better!”
“I’m... fine too, thank you...” James said. He tried to get up, but the only thing he could move at the moment was his head. “Um… too much damage. I need some nano-probes to get back on my feet.”
Twilight’s smiled curl into a wicked grin, and she grabbed a fresh batch of James’ medicine in her magic. “You mean, those?” She glanced him in the eye and dropped the glass vial to the crystal floor–shattering it. “Oh, my... How clumsy of me. I guess you’re stuck here for a while.”
James frowned. “Very funny... you know there is more in my room. John, be kind enough and get it here.”
But John glanced at Twilight, then smiled himself. “Would you look at the time! I need to start preparing that dinner!”
James turned to Kleiner. “...d-doc?”
“Sorry, but this is a great opportunity to see how fast you’ll regenerate with the new iteration of nano-probes!”
“B-but—”
“And I would like to see the rest of your castle,” Velvet said to Twilight. “Starting, right now.”
“That’s a splendid idea, mom! Please, follow me!”
They all turned towards the door.
“H-hey, you can’t just leave me here!” James said, but the crowd was already in the corridor. “Come on, guys! This isn’t funny!” He tried again, but the door shut with a bang. “I’M TELLING CELESTIA!” He yelled desperately like a little brat, but there was no response. Resigned, he turned his head, ready to give up, but then a stack of books caught his eye, painting a smile back on his face. He stretched his arm forward and grabbed one of Saucy’s novels.
“Well, maybe the wait won’t be so bad, after all...” He opened the front page…
Author's Note
I regret nothing 
