Twilight's Hotel

by Undisturbed Grave

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other, Random, Main 6
Length: 4009

After saving the world several times, Twilight will have to face her biggest threat yet... TAX CODES!!!

After beating Tirek and acquiring the Friendship Castle, Twilight didn't think twice about the cost of her sudden acquirement of land. Then two years later, a knock at the door and visit from an agent from a government agency made her regret that decision. Now she is up to her horn in debts and with her option limited, she is forced to open her castle into her hotel. With a flash of genius, she realizes she could get rid of the debt by holding several conventions in a row. What could possibly go wrong?

Published 2020-11-22 04:30:00 UTC
Last updated 2020-11-22 04:30:00 UTC

INTRO

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!

Twilight awoke to the loud knocking at her castle door. She had stayed up late studying a new gravity spell and now was paying for it with this early awaking. She removed her sleep mask and drowsily trot to the front door. She opened and was almost blinded by the early morning sunlight. She opened her eyes to see a unicorn with a clipboard and wearing a pair of reading glasses.

“Miss Twilight Sparkle?” He asked, flipping the pages forward.

“Yes?” Twilight asked, rubbing the sleep from her eyes.

“Perfect.” He said cheerily. “I’m Bean Counter and I’m here on behalf of the Ponies Office of Internal Tenets Licenses in Selective Section.”

“P.O.I.N.T.L.E.S.S.?” Twilight said.

“We are not,” Bean said, slightly offended.

“No, it abbreviated to spell… Never mind. Why are you here?” Twilight asked. Bean looked back at his clipboard but with a little glair.

“You are the owner of one Friendship Castle, correct?” He said, not looking up from the clipboard.

“Yes, that is correct.” Twilight answered, starting to get worried. He pulled out some stacks of paper from the clipboard and float them over to her.

“Under Article 4: Section 23, You are required to have sent a notice to the head of the Ponies Office of Internal Tenets Licenses in Selective Section in two weeks to notify of a new building in the area of Ponyville. If the resident dose does not inform of a new building in the area, you will subject to a 100,000-bit fine plus interest.” Bean Counter pulled out a calculator and starting punching in numbers. “Since interest is triggered every month at twelve percent, this is your final payment.” He flipped the calculator and showing its final result to Twilight.

“WHAT!?!” She dropped all the paper and grab the calculator. “I've never heard of your group and you expected me to pay this much?”

“It is required when new buildings are made. You should have read up on all building laws before moving in.” He said.

“It literally appeared after I defeated TTirek!” Twilight shouted.

“Article 12: Section 6, “Even if the Building has appeared under magic, scientific or religious reasons, the owner must still report to the Ponies Office of Internal Tenets Licenses in Selective Section in two weeks. You are not the only pony who suddenly get a home out of weird ways.”

“Surely if I talk to Princess Celestia…” Twilight started but Bean flips to another page on his clipboard.

“Article 20: Section 12. “All payments must be made on time and can only be payable by the subject in question. It cannot be pay by loans from banks, royalties, or mystical beings.” Twilight looked at him in confusion. “We had a pony try to pay us in leprechaun’s gold. Didn’t end well.”

“Alright, what is going to happen?” Twilight asked.

“Well, what usually happens is we have the tenet’s house repurpose to some kind of service. It happened to where you used to live, the library in the middle of town.” Bean pointed out.

“So, I’ll have my castle have a public library,” Twilight said, starting to pick up the billions of papers on the ground.

“Unfortunately, you miss the meeting where we discuss what to do with the property. We are repurposing this building for a new hotel.” Bean said before turning away. Twilight stood there in shock before balling up the paper.

“I don’t even know how to run a hotel!!!” Twilight shouted before throwing the ball of paper after him.

“Not my problem,” Bean responded before disappearing. Twilight growled and slam the door. How was she going to run a hotel for Celestia knows how long? That when a thought crossed her mind. “I need to talk to Pinkie Pie.”

“You want to do what!?!” Pinkie Pie asked, kind of shock. The two were in the map room and looking over several papers and books about hotels. The two were trying to find a way to pay the debt and Twilight just came up with a solution. The only problem was…

“The best way for a hotel to make money is to have convections held here,” Twilight said, doing a quick calculation. “All I have to do is hold a few here and then I don’t have to change bed sheets for twenty years. You are one of the best party planners, you have to know at least some that are going to be happening soon.”

“Of course, I know but have you ever been to a convection?” Pinkie Pie asked.

“I’ve been to the Grand Galloping Gala and help organize it. I think I can handle convection.” Twilight said, rolling her eyes.

“No no no no.” Pinkie said, shaking her head. She brought up her left hoof. “This is the Grand Galloping Gala.” She raised her right hoof about five inches above her left. “This is my party… and way up here,” And in an act that should shock Twilight but didn’t, her back left hoof shot up into the air and hover about ten feet in the air. “This is a convection level. You have no idea what can happen in convections.”

“Pinkie,” Twilight said calmly, causing Pinkie to go back on all four. “We dealt with the end of our kingdom several times. I fought Tirek and went through time to save the kingdom. I think I can handle convection.”

“Okay.” Pinkie said, not convince. “I tried to warn you.”

“So, what the first convection?” Twilight asked. Pinkie pulled a scroll out of her hair and open it up.

“The closest one is…

Chapter One: All slay and no play makes Twilight a dull filly.

“The Monster Hunter Retreat.” Bon Bon was smiling as she looked around the castle entrance. “Thank you for hosting it here, Twilight. My friends are going to love it.” Bon Bon looked around at the foyer. “We usually have to get stuck in a one-room hotel or a crappy bed and breakfast.”

“As long as nothing gets destroy and you don’t bother the family reunion going on.” Twilight said, adjusting the banner that said, “Hunters Welcome.”

“A family reunion? Who would want a reunion here?” Bon Bon asked. Twilight gave her a look and Bon Bon starting stuttering. “I m-m-mean, in a giant castle. It makes sense for a bunch of monster hunters to want a castle, but what family wants to be here?”

“I don’t know,” Twilight said. “They said it reminded them of home. So when is the first hunter going to show up?” A loud knock causing Twilight to look over as the front door start to swing open. In walk an earth pony with brown fur and a scar going across his right eye. His mane was shaggy and light blonde. His mark was two garlic bulbs and a wooden stake. He looked up and smiled as he threw his bag down.

“Bon Bon.” He said with a thick accent, making him replace a lot of his letters with a v and z sounds. “It's so nice to see you. Tell me, how vas hunting at Boltergeist in Manehatten?”

“Terrible. It took five hours to put it down.” Bon Bon answered. “Twilight, This is Van Housing. Van, this is…”

“Of courze, I knov vo zis is,” Van said and bowed to the ground. “Princess Tvilight Sparkle, is a great honor to be in your home.” He kissed Twilight’s front hoof.

“Umm, thanks,” Twilight said, a little weirded out. “Van Housing, that an odd name for a hunter.” The hunter straightened up and brush some dust off his coat.

“My family was builders, zo natural, zey hopes I vas one too.” He smiled, as he looked a little lost in thought. “I can remember mein first killing…”

“And we can talk about that later.” Bon Bon said. “Right now, we need to get the convection set up. Did you bring weapons?” Twilight look over in shock. “Don’t worry. It shows new hunters’ proper weapon care. So Van, what did you bring?”

“Fiffe silver daggers, tvo clubs coffered in bless vater and one broad svord socked in Celestia’s tears.” He said, holding his bag up.

“Wait, how did you get Celestia’s tears?” Twilight asked, looking in the bag at the weapons.

“You don’t want to know.” Bon Bon said. “Alright, take this to the fifth room on the left. There some Bratwurst in the oven.” Van smiled and hurry down the hall. “He a bit eccentric but a great hunter. There was only one who got away…”

“I told you we should turn back at the Sugar Cube corner.” A voice shouted from outside.

“We are just a little late, we’ll be fine.” A softer voice counter. “It just over this hill.”

“I think you were just distracted by that rainbow pegasus that flew by.” The first voice responded.

“Sunny!” the shock and a slightly embarrassed voice cried out. At that moment, a unicorn and another earth pony walk up the path to the castle. The earth pony had a bright blond mane with a yellowish coat. Her mark was a sun rising over a valley. Twilight was guessing this was Sunny. The unicorn was a shy little thing. She had a red mane that covers half her face and a pure white fur coat. Her mark was a weeping willow tree.

“Willow Tree, Sunny Valley. I see you found the castle alright.” Bon Bon said with a slight smile.

“Took us a little longer because a carriage was stuck by the bridge,” Sunny said, hugging her. “Something about the river. Did Van get here already?”

“About a few minutes ago,” Bon Bon answered. “What did you bring to show?”

“I brought some new spells to show,” Willow Tree said, opening a backpack with a couple of scrolls.

“I’m opening a hoof to hoof combat training seminar. Do we have any food? Because I’m starving.” Sunny asked, scratching at her stomach

“Fifth room on the left down the hall,” Twilight said pointing out. “I had Pinkie cook up some cupcakes and candies.” The two squeal in joy and shot down the hall like a rocket. “Alright, any more colorful characters I get to meet?” The sound of more hooves up the path to answer that question. Approaching up the road was three earth ponies, each of them looking slightly worn out. The two in front look similar, both with an olive color fur. The difference was one had a blond mane while the other one had a dark brown mane.

The one behind the two had a fur coat as black as night and was wearing a leather trench coat and had a pair of dark shades. The three walk up the path, not seeing to notice Bon Bon or Twilight as they seem to be discussing something and was getting a bit heated.

“Look, I’m telling you. WE fought a group of vampires that were a lot harder than the ones you fought.” The black hair one said to the one in shades. “We can only kill them by cutting off their heads. The ones you fought exploded due to silver.”

“I fought a literal blood god once. You think that was easy?” The one in shades responded, passing the two.

“To be fair Blade Holder, you were able to destroy it by injecting with a potion that made him exploded.” The blonde one said, wiping off some dirt from his brow.

“After he threw me across the room and broke my sword.” Blade Holder said. He looked down in a little. “I loved that sword.”

“Blade Holder, Van said he would make you a new sword.” Bon Bon said. “You should let it go. Twilight, this is Blade Holder.” Twilight shook hooves with him as he continued to trot by. Bon Bon pointed him down the hall to where the rest were at. The two stop and both hugged Bon Bon. “These two are the Wind Chaser brothers, Dent and Sand.” They shook hooves with Twilight. “Alright, let get with the rest so we can plan this out properly.”

“Alright, if you need anything, I’ll be here dealing with this family reunion,” Twilight said. The three follow Blade Holder and continue to discuss various things until they disappear inside the room. Twilight sighed and started closing the door slowly. Maybe she’ll be able to do this. These ponies don’t seem so bad and as long as the family was any trouble, She won’t have to do this for long.

Before she could completely close the door, a pink leg pop from behind and Twilight watch as Pinkie slip in quickly.

“Did I miss the party?” Pinkie said with a wide grin, holding her party cannon.

“They are just planning the convection right now. It doesn’t start until next week.” Twilight pointed out. “The only thing happening is this small family reunion.”

“That must be the cart I saw rolling up here. They’ll be here in a few minutes.” Pinkie pointed out while pulling out a cupcake from her hair. “Who is this family?” She took a big bite out of the cupcake.

“Give me a second,” Twilight said. She opened the booking schedule and look at today’s date. “It’s the Batwing family.” As soon as the words left her mouth, Pinkie inhales deeply in shock and started choking on her cupcake. After a solid minute of her coughing, Pinkie stood up in shock.

“They can’t come here.” Pinkie Pie said, her eyes wide.

“Why?” Twilight asked. Before Pinkie could answer, the door open and a pony dress like a butler approached.

“Lord Batwing and family have arrived at this establishment.” The butler announced and step to the side. Behind him was a row of ponies holding up umbrellas that block out the sun as four ponies walk down to the entrance. Leading the four was a stallion who held his head up but Twilight could see a slight red tint in his cold gray eyes. The mare beside him was a pegasus with her mane style in a cut short. Behind them were two younger stallions, although younger, were like the head stallion with keeping their head high. The older one out of two was a little buffer while the younger was slimmer. All of them had pale fur, blond mane, and sunken eyes.

“You have got to be kidding me.” Twilight mutter under her breath as the four approaches. “Wait, I’m jumping to conclusions.” Twilight thought as the butler closed the door behind them. “I mean, just because they look like vampires doesn’t mean their…”

“I am Lord Batwing.” The stallion in front said, a heavy accent plaguing his words that seem to stretch them at certain places. “I was hoping to stay in this castle own by Princess Twilight. I believe it will be the perfect place. Which room gets the less sunlight?”

“Oh, sweet Celestia,” Twilight said, bring a hoof to her face. Lord Batwing looked to his wife and back at Twilight.

“Did I say something wrong?” He asked, looking down at Twilight.

“It’s just that you’re a vampire…” Twilight started but as soon as the word vampire left her mouth, the group quickly straighten up.

“Vampire? Who said vampires?” Lord Batwing said, slightly panic. “I never say vampire.” He turned to one of the younger stallions behind him. “Did you say anything about vampires, Gin?”

“No, father. I didn’t.” Gin said with a sigh. Lord Batwing turns to the younger one.

“Did you say vampire, Ward?” He asked.

“No, Dad.” Ward said, brushing his mane out of his eyes. Twilight was getting the feeling he was a bit of a drama queen.

“See? No pony said vampire.” Lord Batwing said. “We are in fact, umm…” He looked around the room and when he looked down, his eyes lit up. “Carpet sales ponies.” Twilight’s face couldn’t have shown more disbelief. And she wasn’t the only one with this look.

“Carpet sales pony?” Ward asked. “Could you have come up with a worse lie?”

“Shut up!” Lord said angrily. “The only reason we are here is that you had to get away from that Bell.”

“Dad, you can’t understand the pain she brings me,” Ward said, dramatically swaying in a way that reminded Twilight of Rarity. “She drives me to the brink of madness with her sent.”

“Oh, not this sent crap again.” Gin said, rolling his eyes. Ward looked over in angry.

“Dad.” Ward whine. “He mocking my everlasting love.”

“Everlasting love?” Gin started laughing. “If it so everlasting, turn her into one of us.”

“Because her blood drives me to the brink of madness,” Ward said, swaying again.

“Maybe if you drink more than rabbits blood…” Lord Batwing mutter in disappointment. This set off a whole new round of argument, allowing Twilight and Pinkie to slowly back away.

“Alright, as long as those hunters don’t realize they are here…” Pinkie started to say as they creep away. Just as they were halfway down the hall when they heard a door open behind them. Twilight turned to see Van walk out with a bucket.

“Vere do you keep zee ice...?” He started until he looks right past them to the Batwings arguing, which at the moment, was Gin holding Ward in a headlock.

“Say who’s the better vampire. Come on, say it.” Gin said, losing up for a second for Ward to speak.

“The last one you turn was a DJ.” Ward said quickly. This was a mistake because Gin decided to tighten his hold.

“Ginwtab! Stop it!” Lord Batwing said, whacking at them with a cane he produced out of nothing. The wife was covering her face in shame. Twilight looks to see Van looking at the scene in shock.

“Heiliger Strohsack!” Van shouted before running back to the room.

“You don’t have home owner’s insurance, do you?” Pinkie asked.

“What home owner’s insurance?” Twilight asked. Before Pinkie could answer, the door to the room blew open and the hunter came out armed to the teeth. The Batwings stop fighting and turn to see the hunters.

“At long last ve meet, Patving.” Van said, hosting up a sword. Lord Batwing looked a bit confused.

“Do I know you?” He asked.

“I've peen hunting you for zee last twelve years!” Van shouted. Batwing looks to his sons then back at Van.

“I have been hunted by so many hunters that all you ponies start to look the same.” Batwing said, a little exhausted. Every hunters’ jaw drop and Blade Holder was the first to speak up.

“What do you mean, “You ponies”?” He asked, clearly angry. Batwing back up to the door a bit.

“Sons, make your dad proud.” He shouted as the two stepped in. Gin pull out twin swords while Ward only brought his fronts hooves up.

“I hope you’re ready, hunters.” Gin said, running his blades against each other. “I was a name the Nightmare of Mixcolt and the Scourge of Manehattan. Do you dare think you can beat me?”

“And I stop a cart with me bare hooves!” Ward shouted in pride. Gin rolled his eyes and look at Ward like he was a moron.

“Dude, you are ruining this.” Gin growled.

“At least my name not Dad’s spell backward.” Ward countered.

“Are you two ladies done arguing or are we going to fight?” Dent cried out, holding a crossbow up. Twilight quickly jump in between the two groups with a panic look.

“No pony is fighting another pony!” Twilight shouted. She turned to the hunters. “Especially for your ponies. Why did you blow up the door!?! You could of open it.”

“It gave us a bigger entrance.” Sand said, keeping his eyes on the Batwing family.

“You can’t just blow up my doors!” Twilight shouted, pointing at the remains. “I have no idea how to repair them. How did you blow it up anyway?”

“I have a couple of bombs I keep squared away.” Blade Holder answered, holding a belt lined with bombs. Pinkie popped up at this moment and pointed at Bon Bon.

“You told me that none of you would bring bombs.” Pinkie shouted in shock.

“I lied.” Bon Bon said, shrugging it off. “No offense but Twilight seems to be a magnet to drawing trouble.”

“Hey,” Twilight said, offended. “I gave you a discount.”

“You also allow vampires to be here.” Bon Bon countered, pulling out a long sword.

“I didn’t know,” Twilight said. “It not like their letter said, “We’re vampire.”

“Actually…” Ward said, holding a letter in his hoof up. Twilight grabbed the letter and quickly read it. She saw at the very bottom in tiny italic was a sentence: Maybe vampires, please consult your local witch doctor.

“Well, I’ll be banished.” Twilight mutter. “but that doesn’t mean you can just kill a bunch of ponies because they have a condition.”

“We did kind of choose this life.” Gin said, half-hardy. Lord Batwing smack him upside the head.

“Son! You don’t correct a Princess.” He said, glaring him down. “and besides, when we drink ponies’ blood, we don’t kill them. At most, they’re a little woozy.”

“Then what was all that “Nightmare of Mixcolt” stuff he was sprouting?” Dent asked, pointing at Gin.

“Who said I was killing anypony? I was …” He started but a large bang from behind interrupted him and the room flooded with sunlight. The four made a hissing sound and disappear into a puff of smoke as four ponies dress in blue uniforms.

“Every pony, Freeze!” One of them shouted. He pulled out a badge and hold for all to see. “I’m Detective Hot Shot and we’re here to arrest a group of criminals that have been on the run for months.”

“Yes, and once again, good has defeated evil.” Sunny shouted.

“I was talking about you ponies.” Hot Shot said, pointing at the group of hunters. All of them drop their weapons in shock.

“What did we do!?!” Willow asked.

“I’m glad you asked.” Hot Shot produce a scroll and started to read off it. “The Wind Chaser Brother. You are both charged with identify thief, bit scamming, and attacking several changelings.”

“I thought it was a skinwalker.” Dent mutter under his breath.

“Bro, not helping.” Sand mutter.

“Sunny Valley and Willow Tree.” Hot Shot continues, ignoring the brothers. “Your charges include arson, destruction of private property, and unlawful use of explosion.” The two look a little guilty and looked away. “Van Housing, your green card expired five months ago and Bon Bon, you’re double park outside.”

“Okay, what did I do?” Blade Holder asked. Hot Shot lower the scroll and look straight at him.

“Tax evasion.” He said bluntly. The hunters quickly huddled into the group. After a little bit of whispering, the group turned back around.

“After much debate, we have decided to do the right thing.” Bon Bon said. She threw something down on the ground and a large smoke cloud erupted from the ground. “Run! Run like Chebreas is on your tail!”

The entire group bolted out of the castle with Hot Shot and his group in pursuit. All that was left was Twilight and Pinkie, with two broken doors. Twilight sighed in frustration.

“Any more convection I have to prepare for?” Twilight asked.

“Well…” Pinkie started. Twilight looked to see a unicorn with a long black mane and a deep blue fur coat. He was tuning a guitar while leaning onto the castle.

“Excuse me?” Twilight tap the unicorn on his shoulder. “Why are you near my house?”

“Name’s Eagle Feather.” He said. “I write songs for new business. I usually stand outside them for a couple of days to get a feel of the place. You don’t mind, do you?”

“Fine.” Twilight sighed. “Just don’t be too loud.” Eagle smiled and started strumming

🎶“On a dark Equestria Night
Cool wind through my wings
Warm spells being casted in the air
Up ahead in a window, I saw Glimmer Light"🎶