Miss Hooves and Misfortune
CRU-ACK!
Derpy Hooves started spitting into the bowl of Cinnamon Chai Crunch (The taste that won’t go to waste! the box ironically sloganeered as a stray grey hoof knocked it off the table.) Once she was satisfied that all the pieces of the Fili-Second action figure were out of her maw, she sighed deeply.
This just seemed to be going dreadfully for the weatherpony today. It just wasn’t fair; no, not one whit.
Lonely golden ones - well, one, anyway - focused on the sizable dent in the house’s bottom steps. Rolling back from the kitchen arch into view, almost apologetically, was a single skate. Dinky’s in fact, which got under her hoof when Derpy was hustling her daughter to the door. She would have paid attention to that floor, but the steaming shine of the schoolwagon as it veered off by the side window did a number on her hoof-eye coordination.
Anyways, that’s why she was going for cereal today. Frying pans hurt in her hoof.
Beside her messy table spread was a phone. It was softly trilling its disconnected metronome through the pale-lighted room. And it would continue doing so until it found out why Nurse Snowheart couldn't take a housecall today. Was there a sinkhole under Ponyville Hospital? Was her power turned off?
Well, no. Derpy knew that the second she woke up to her alarm clock dancing on her nightstand. Apparently, her ceiling fan had turned on the night before, and drowned out its call to Derpy to wake up for the schoolwagon.
But Derpy deposited her ruined cereal into the sink with a smile on her face. Even though her job was a tricky one, she wouldn't trade the hefty paycheck it gave her for the world. Almost as if to bolster her spirits, the cubical spigot mirrored her smile right back at her. Derpy couldn’t help but smile as she activated the garbage disposal.
WHIIRRRRr-TWANG!
Before her reflection got warped as the spoon she’d held slipped out of her hoof, into the blades, and right into the ceiling. Of course, it also bent that spigot out of the joint on the way up. Not enough to make it non-functional though, as the spray of water it blew into Derpy’s face nearly sent her careening into the table.
Sighing as she got out of the stream’s way, Derpy picked up her phone. Time to tell Coordinator Thunderlane that she’d be late again. And also ask the reparipony to stop by this week. Again.
Seven shocking minutes later, Derpy walked - well, dragged, more like - herself to a counter seat at Hay Burger. Nopony else seemed to notice. Which was good, Derpy thought, ‘cause with the luck I’m having today, their eyes might melt out on contact.
The water burst at her house had apparently shorted out the phone, meaning she had to leg it to the contractors. Turned out, the same reason that Doctor Horse wasn’t calling was the same reason the contractor’s station was empty; it was Voting Day. Which meant everypony had the day off.
Derpy’s lungs didn’t get the memo thought, as she pumped her wings to the weatherpony rec room. After getting a splinter stuck in her hoof - and the door whose knocking-on produced it falling off its hinges and onto Flitter’s poor mane - Derpy asked Thunderlane if there was any job she could do today. Mostly to get enough bits to help Flitter.
Somehow, Derpy didn’t think a “Don’tworryit’llgrowbackthankyou!” directed at the weeping pegasus as Derpy limped away would be enough.
Good news; Thunderlane concurred, giving Derpy a cloud to ensure a perfectly shady day for voting. If Derpy pulled it off, it’d be fifteen hundred bits, thanks to the holiday fee she’d rake in. Bad news: apparently, that icy look Cloudchaser shot Derpy’s way during the Flitter fiasco wasn’t the only thing she had in store for Derpy.. Because the second Derpy’s rump hit the cloud to set it in place above Town Hall… well.
“Goodness, Miss Hooves, there you are!” came the soothing voice of Doctor Hooves, bringing Derpy back to Equestria. “Good thing you’re indoors; apparently some ditz blew a hole in the Town Hall roof! How are you?”
“Fine…” Derpy said, turning back to the counter to hide her blush. “Do you want to ring the bell? Somehow I don’t think today’s luck is on my side.”
“Oh pish-tosh. I’m sure it’s not that bad.” Doctor Hooves replied, taking the seat next to the weatherpony.
Derpy pouted at him for a second, then brought her hoof on the bell. It shot out of her hoof, landing in the kitchen. And a large fireball followed soon after, which Derpy barely dodged. “Holy cannoli, somepony get a firepony in here!” screamed Chef Deep Dish.
Derpy and the Doctor winced. “I… see.” Sliding Derpy’s bandaged hooves off the counter, Doctor Hooves put on his most charming face as the waitress pony ran up to them. “I don’t think we’ll go for food at this juncture. Two daiquiris to go; one strawberry, one lemon. The stiffer, the better. I’ll pay double.”
Slowly nodding, the waitress headed over to the soft serve machine, the pinnacle of calm in a sea of chaos.
Soon, Derpy and Doctor Hooves were sitting at a heavy one-legged table. One that sprang a steady leak under Derpy as soon as she sat down.
“My my.” Doctor Hooves murmured as Derpy’s soaked mane soon drooped over her eyes. “Perhaps an umbrella while you wai-?”
“No sharp objects!”Derpy said a bit too loudly, getting both families’ attention as they looked accusingly at her. With an ear-rending squeak, Derpy slid under the table until only the tips of her eyes were visible. “Just… tell me. Am I cursed, Doc?”
“Is that a professional opinion you’re asking of me, perchance?” the Doctor asked, hoping to pull her back up to the seat.
Derpy didn’t budge. “Well, you haven’t been struck by lightning for giving it so… couldn’t hurt.”
Doctor Hooves pondered the answer for several seconds, even as the daiquiris were brought to their table. “Well…” he said, taking a sip of the strawberry drink and letting the sweet crystal taste rest on his tongue. ”Many theories about how fate finds us exist, Miss Hooves. Despite my profession, I think some have weight behind them.”
“Like?”
Down the rabbit hole, then, thought the Doctor. “The first and most widely held of these theories is karma. That good and bad things happen to us because of who we are, and what we’ve done in our past. So right now, the current bit of… happenstance you’re enduring is because of you doing something bad before.” Noticing that water was welling in Derpy’s eyes as fast as it was in her mane, Doctor Hooves cleared his throat. “Naturally, there are other theories.”
“Go for it.“ Derpy said, her lips pursing as they tried to reach the straw of her drink.
Helping the plastic tube to her lips, Doctor Hooves continued. “Then there’s the theory of inner will. Where the bad stuff happens because of the lack of faith that it won’t. In that case, thinking positively makes positive results. Basically, we control our own fates, and just don’t know it.“
Derpy’s ears rose a fraction. “That… sounds nice.”
“Well, the third one’s a real doozy -- in fact, Pinkie gave it to me herself.” Doctor Hooves took another sip, crinkled his snout at the bitter rush of cold, then continued. “Third theory is - there’s a being above who created us all, and they determine our fates. Situation by situation, episode, by excerpt, somepony beyond our comprehension. Indeed, she thinks there’s somecreature behind a keyboard, typing out the words I’m saying right now as some frozen moment of time.”
“Whoa! That’s pretty heady!”
“You’ve no idea.” Doctor Hooves chuckled. “Then Pinkie started getting into the illicit fictions that the creator probably cooked up with Spoiled and Thunderlane, and I blanked out a tad.” Swallowing back the last of his daiquiri, the Doctor tented his forehooves on the table. “I say that to say this: Miss Hooves, you’re fine. If there are that many varied theories about how events come upon us, that makes it increasingly likely none of them are true. Which means this dark cloud on you will pass. If it hasn’t al….” He winced at the drops ceaselessly falling on Derpy’s head. ”Okay, if it doesn’t soon. Do you want to move, or….”
“Nah. Feels refreshing, actually.” The fact that the drops were turning black and staining Derpy’s mane prompted Doctor Hooves to hand her some napkins, though. “Those theories though, Doc… what if one is the truth?”
“Well, consider this for Doctor Hooves’ Final Thought.” The Doctor stood up, tossing a bag of bits on a nearby plate. “Pinkie herself said that her theory is wholly unlikely to affect anything beyond random moments, so this one might be close to ending already. Fate being guided by sheer force of will went out with Nightmare Moon. Besides, each of us being a lord of time? Doesn’t sit well with me. And third…”
“Yes, Doc?” Derpy asked hopefully.
Hooves brought up one of the damp napkins to Derpy’s face, talking as her eyes widened. “Could you imagine a world where everything this bad happening to you was because you deserved it?”
Derpy thought on that possibility for a spell. Yeah, the very thought made her wings stiff. Nodding at the Doctor, she finished the last of her lemony drink with a cheek-hollowing smirk. “You’re right Doc. Thanks!”
“Sure thing. Just remember, Derpy: come rain, sleet, or bad luck replete, you’ll eventually get where you need to be.” Doctor Hooves swept up both empty glasses. “Do you want me to help you up, at least?”
“No.” Derpy finally got out. “If this day’s gonna improve for me, it’ll be because I push off from here and face it. But thank you.”
Doctor Hooves smiled warmly. “Good luck then, Miss Hooves.”
“Plus, the gum under this table’s stuck to my fur, and I think it’s hardened now.”
“Ah. Some scissors then, Miss-?”
“No sharp objects!”
Five minutes and two tufts of hair later, Depry was out of Hay Burger. Munching merrily on a muffin the doctor had left her - strawberry too, her favorite! - her eyes turned back to that lone grey weathercloud, drifting off at the edge of Ponyville’s edge. It reminded Derpy of… well, Derpy. Aloof. Alone. Tumultuous.
But it didn’t have to stay that way.
With a pumping of wings, Derpy shot off to guide it again. Maybe she could still put that instrument to good use. Perhaps with that wondrously cute pegasus with the rainbow mane. She was setting up a banner on Town Hall’s ledge, from Derpy’s vantage point. And if Derpy was fast enough, she could put a dent in the dark of this day.
From this point forward, weatherpony Derpy Hooves would be dependable. Come rain, sleet or bad luck replete.
