My Friend the Petsitter Is Not a Trashy Mare

by Mockingbirb

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Alternate Universe, Human, Romance, Fetish, Comedy, Other, Fluttershy, Sex, Twilight Sparkle
Length: 2874

Fluttershy said softly, "You know how your arms are symmetrical? Your left is like your right? I'm not really into that. I think it's gross." Then it got worse.

Fluttershy said softly, "You know how your arms are symmetrical? Your left is like your right? I'm not really into that. I think it's gross."

Then it got worse.

In January, my friend Fluttershy accidentally photobombed my video chat with my girlfriend. Now it's just a question of who dumps who first. And who'll be there to pick up the pieces?

Thanks to SquidgeKitten for a helpful preread.

This is an entry for Angel Midnight's "2020 Is So Weird" short story contest, which runs until the end of November.

(The story image is a frame I edited, from an EG music video.)

(Alternate story title: "That Thing on My Girlfriend's Desk")

Published 2020-11-17 22:50:00 UTC
Last updated 2020-11-17 22:50:00 UTC

But Maybe February Will Be Better?

"Of course I can explain!" I insisted. "Just...tell me what you want me to explain."

My girlfriend walked out of the video chat frame. A minute later, she returned with a small mirror. As she tilted it, the mirror showed different parts of the scene in front of her.

"Whoa!" I said. "What is that on your desk?"

She yelled, "You're the one who's supposed to explain, mister!" She adjusted the mirror's tilt until I could see a tiny reflection of my own image on her screen.

"Hey, you know what would be cool?" I said. "Give me a sec so I can get a mirror too--"

"Don't try to distract me!" she fumed. "What is that behind you?"

I looked again at the part of my screen that showed her mirror (which reflected some of the part of her screen that showed the view from my webcam.) It was as awkward as it sounds. "Can you move the mirror closer?" I asked.

"Can't you see it? I'll give you a hint. It's yellow. It has pink hair. And it looks trashy, cheap, and vulgar! Like some bimbo!"

"Hey," a tiny voice said behind me, "that's not nice."

"Oh," I said to my girlfriend, "That's...a long story."

"You'd better be able to turn it into a SHORT story, mister." She pulled up an app on her mobile and tapped it. "You've got ten minutes, starting a few seconds ago."

"So," I said, "do you remember how I used to be really interested in stuff like the Bermuda Triangle, and Charles Fort's books of weird phenomena?"

"Nine minutes, forty seconds!"

"While you were away on one of your business trips, I read an article in the New Forteans Newsletter, and I went to the place--"

"Nine twenty-one!"

I tried to talk faster. "So, it turns out there's another world in another dimension, and everyone there is a magic pony--"

"Nine oh-eight!"

"Some immature colts there had a crush on a--mare, there. They got some water from a place called the Mirror Pool, and they put the buckets and the washtub--"

"Eight forty-nine! You lying sleaze."

"And they said...well, the rhyme isn't important, but they made copies of the mare. Her name is Fluttershy."

"Eight twenty-nine! And what a stupid name, by the way. No one would believe that."

Behind me, a tiny voice said indignantly, "You know who's stupid? You're stupid!" Fortunately, it was too soft for my girlfriend to hear.

I was a bit thrown off, but I tried to continue. "Now, last time somepony had a bunch of copies made of herself, Twilight Sparkle made them all stare at paint to figure out which one--"

"Seven fifty-six!"

I skipped the story forward a bit. "But it turned out all the copies were really good with animals too, just like Fluttershy! So how could you tell which one was the real Fluttershy and which ones were fake? I guess you couldn't. Nopon--no one could."

"Seven fifteen!"

Behind me, a soft voice said, "I can see your computer clock. She's cheating!"

I didn't know what to say to that. But to my girlfriend, I said, "Also, the real Fluttershy is very soft-hearted, and she wouldn't want anypo--anyone to hurt any of the copies. So she still made the colts' parents ground them, but after that, she decided it would be best if all the extra Fluttershys went to other towns, where they could use their animal wrangling abilities to--"

"Five oh nine!"

Fluttershy said softly, "Now she isn't even TRYING to hide it."

"But when they took a big map of Equestria, and they divided it up into a big grid and picked different places, there were still a few Fluttershys left over. Fortunately, Twilight remembered she had an extra magic mirror left over from one of her adventures, so she and the extra 'shys decided--"

"Four twenty!"

In my view of the mirror showing a reflection of my girlfriend's screen, I could see a Fluttershy shaking her head sadly at the obvious time cheating. But I refused to give up hope. "So the obvious thing to do was for the leftover Fluttershys to come over to our world and get jobs as--"

"Three fifty!"

"And she's a great petsitter! She had some talks with your dogs and my cats, and then she talked to me about how to take care of them better, and now your dogs don't make messes all over your living room anymore. I got a new kind of catbox the cats like, and it turns out the dogs like the Evening Star a LOT better than the other newspaper because the ink smells different, so--"

"Three!"

I finally got angry, for a moment at least. "Why do you always assume the worst? Fluttershy and I are just friends! What do you think she and I are doing with each other, anyway? Do you think a girl like her would ever be interested in a guy like me?"

My girlfriend said the one thing I'd never expected. "I agree."

"You AGREE?"

"I agree. Obviously she has no real interest in you whatsoever. But in all your lies, you accidentally revealed a bit of the truth. She's a victim of international human trafficking. And YOU'RE involved somehow." She shook her head. "It would be just like you, wouldn't it? Too pathetic to get a real American girl on your own--"

"YOU'RE a real American girl!"

"And I had to give you so much help, or you NEVER would have had the nerve to win me over, or to even ask me out. Because you're pathetic, and weak, and worthless."

"Not to mention an idiot who makes poor decisions," Fluttershy added softly.

I turned my chair halfway around. "Now please don't YOU start on me," I begged. "You're the one person I know in all of this who's really nice. And now I don't even have that."

Fluttershy complained angrily in a deceptively soft, gentle voice. "In all the time we've known each other, you've been nothing but a doormat. She picks on you all the time, and you do nothing but take it. She tells you one thing one day, and another thing the next, and you never call her on it. She makes up reasons to criticize you, events that never even happened the way she says she remembers them, and you always agree with her. You let her tie you up in knots, and you work so hard to apologize for things half of which never happened, that you let her walk you around in twisty little circles. It's a wonder you can even eat ice cream, she gets your tongue in such a tangle nearly every day."

"But what can I do?" I asked. "She's the only girlfriend I've ever had. She's right--no other girl would even want me. A few girls show me a little sympathy, but none of them would really be interested."

"Ha!" Fluttershy said softly. "That's not true!"

"Okay," I said, knowing I would only be shooting myself in the foot yet again. "Would YOU be interested in me? Would YOU ever go on a date with me?"

Fluttershy looked sad. Sorry for me.

I said, "I can already see you getting ready to say no!"

My girlfriend shouted, "Ten seconds!"

Fluttershy shouted loud enough to reach the mic, "Oh shut up!" She stepped closer to me and wrapped an arm around my head, pressing my face into her chest. Fluttershy's other arm reached out and cut off the video call.

With the call terminated, Fluttershy released me.

"I should have known it was too good to be true," I said. "You rubbed your chest all over my face for a few seconds, but you're not really interested in me. Yet again, my life is just a sick joke. Even though I'm sure you meant well."

Fluttershy blushed. "I just wanted to make that girl angry, and jealous. That's the only way she might ever appreciate you even a little. But about you and me? You have to understand, I'm not like most other girls. I have...unusual tastes."

"Mmm-hmm?" I said.

Fluttershy said softly, "You know how your arms are symmetrical? Your left is like your right? I'm not really into that. I think it's gross." Her blush deepened. "It's hard to talk about that with most people. They would think I'm some kind of freak."

"You're not a freak! You're just a little bit different. You're special. There's nothing wrong with being special. And so much about you is really wonderful!" I insisted. "You're going to make some amputee or polio survivor very happy. They'll love you so much, and you'll deserve all the love they can give you."

"Thanks. You're very kind."

"It's just the truth." I paused, feeling a bit shy myself. "You said something a little while ago. I said no girl would ever be interested in me, and you said, that's not true."

Fluttershy nodded. "I did. There are girls who would definitely be interested in you."

I winced in expectation of disappointment. "Can you name one?"

"Sure!" Fluttershy said, "You know that sheep who lives in the barn at the place two houses down?"

"A SHEEP?"

"I've seen the way she looks at you sometimes, when you walk past their place. I think you really have a chance with her."

"Fluttershy. I don't know how you do things in Equestria. Well, I guess I DO know a little about it. But here in our world, humans do NOT date yaks, or ponies, or sheep. Even PONIES dating yaks or sheep would be really weird, here."

Fluttershy looked shocked. "Your world isn't very understanding. I hope they don't mind if I want to date a human someday, even though I'm a pony."

"They don't know you're a pony, so I think you're safe." I stopped to think. "Maybe I shouldn't have told Cynthia you're a pony. But I don't think she'll ever believe it. And in this world you're obviously a human, so it should be ok for you to date humans."

"I'm glad," Fluttershy said. "The ponies in this world are very different from my world. I wouldn't want to date one of this world's ponies."

"That's...probably for the best," I said. "But lots of humans would want to date you. Now if only I knew humans who wanted to date me."

Fluttershy smiled at me. "Even though humans are more like ponies than like most animals, I can still sometimes tell what a human seems to want. I understand humans well enough to be sure there are humans who would want to date you."

"'I'm sure there are,' just isn't enough," I insisted. "I need to be able to find them, not just believe they might be out there somewhere. I can't treat dating like Bigfoot or space aliens."

Fluttershy nodded sadly. "I guess you're right. Your world is so intolerant. If you want to date Bigfoot, many people probably wouldn't like that."

I laughed. "I think Bigfoot isn't my type."

"Right! But I have an idea. When I was in Equestria, Twilight taught me there are books about just about anything. Let's start a study group. We can check the library for books about how to find people who might want to be special someponies with us, and we can read the books and talk about them, and help each other find somepon--person, I mean. Find someperson.

Fluttershy continued, "Let's meet someplace public for our little study group. That way, if we want to practice, people will be right there. And maybe someperson will see what we're doing, and maybe they'll ask US out. Or at least they might give us some hints if they're interested."

I smiled. "That sounds like a good idea."

Fluttershy explained, "In my life, I've learned a lot about so many different kinds of animals, and what they do, and how to understand them. From an Equestrian perspective, humans are mostly just another kind of animal. So I have lots of practice with this kind of thing. I can definitely make this work!"

"You remember that coffeehouse in town, down by Maple Street?" I asked. "If we dress up really warm, they have an outdoor patio, and a lot of people walk by there. I think that would be a good place. Maybe Saturday afternoon?"

"Three o'clock would work well for me."

"For me too," I agreed.

Fluttershy smiled. "It's a date!"

"A date to start finding dates," I agreed.

I got a soured feeling in my stomach. "But there's something else I have to do first, while I can still find the guts." I called my girlfriend back.

A moment later, Cynthia appeared on the screen.

I whispered, "I don't think she knows we can see her. Maybe she hit the wrong button?"

With a little smile, Fluttershy said softly, "Some girls would WANT their boyfriend to see what she's doing."

"You don't know her the way I do. She'd never let me see this on purpose." I cleared my throat loudly. "Cynthia! There's something we need to talk about."

Cynthia jumped in her seat. "It's not what it looks like! It's sugar-free!"

"I know," I reassured her. "I can see the container. Although I am surprised. I didn't even know they sold sugar-free ice cream in the two-gallon size."

"It's a better deal! But don't tell anyone. They might take it the wrong way, me eating it right out of the carton."

"Okay," I agreed. "But that's not what I called you about."

Cynthia's eyes narrowed suspiciously. "What DID you...you didn't call to bother me about what you saw on my desk before, did you? Because it's none of your--"

"I don't care what's on your desk!" I shouted. "I called because we need to decide who's taking care of your dogs for the rest of your trip."

"We already talked about this. YOU are. A good boyfriend does this kind of thing."

I took a deep breath. "But does a good EX-boyfriend?"

"What? I know you did some things with this 'Fluttershy' that you shouldn't have. But I'm not giving up on you that easily, even if you deserve it. You're just lucky I'm a very forgiving--"

"Well, maybe you SHOULD give up on me! Because as of this moment, I am NOT your boyfriend."

Off to one side, Fluttershy cheered softly. "(Yay.)"

I told Cynthia, "I guess I can take care of them for the rest of the week. But maybe you'd rather I just gave the keys back to your family sooner than that?"

Cynthia thrust her spoon into the ice cream carton, set it down somewhere out of view, and grabbed her mobile. She fiddled with it for a moment, and held it loosely, as the sound of a ringing hands-free phone app played through its speaker.

Or was it a ringing videophone app? I wasn't sure.

When the ringing stopped, she said, "Bruno? Can you go change the locks on my apartment again?" A distorted, unclear voice came through to my ears.

Cynthia said, "You shouldn't even be looking! It's none of your business what's on my desk!" More distorted noise reached me.

"Either of them! A girl has needs, and it's none of your business. It's really very healthy. Ask YOUR girlfriend. Oh, wait, I forgot, you don't HAVE one! Yes, I could name some reasons, but not while my new ex is on the other line."

Fluttershy and I looked at each other. I said, "I never knew how lucky I was. I can just break up with her. Imagine being her brother."

Fluttershy mumured, "I'd rather not."

I reached out and terminated the video chat. As Cynthia's face disappeared, I said, "That went a lot easier than I was afraid it might."

Fluttershy nodded. "I guess she has other people to pick on too."

I smiled. "I'm just not that special to her."

Fluttershy giggled. "Doesn't it feel good?"

"It does. I'm just wondering one thing."

"What?"

"Was that thing on her desk what I thought it was?"

Fluttershy tilted her head slightly. "What did you think it was?"

"Never mind. I guess I don't need to know."

Fluttershy smirked. "It wasn't real, of course. But I know a lot about many different kinds of animals, and it looks like was modeled after--"

"LA LA LA I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"

"Of course, it's scaled up a bit. A real--"

"LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!"

Fluttershy started laughing. I joined in. After a mimute, I said, "We must look ridiculous, laughing about all this."

Fluttershy smirked. "Not HALF as ridiculous as that thing sitting there on her desk."

Author's Note

When I was thinking about whether to tag this "Dark," one factor I considered was, which options might make fewer (or more) people complain that no one had lost any arms by the end of the story? :twilightsmile:

As usual, you can comment, upvote, favorite, and tell all your friends to create new accounts on fimfiction.net so they can downvote this story for not having enough amputations. :raritydespair: