Anon's Sock Day
***
You step out of your home and into the fresh, breezy Ponyville morning. It's early in the day, but already you can see the locals out and about, as they prepare for another Monday morning.
The chill of the air has a bit of a bite to it today, but it's manageable. With only a light shiver and the briefest hesitation, you venture out and close the door behind you. Because today, unlike most days, is a very special day. Today you're doing something for science.
There's a part of you that isn't entirely comfortable right now. A part of you that keeps saying this experiment is a very bad idea, but you try to push it down and ignore it. This is it. After months of living in ignorance and confusion, the time has finally come for you to put an end to the mystery once and for all. With this resolve in mind, you stroll down the roadside and wave at a few ponies.
Your mouth is dry as they turn to look at your completely naked body.
And I mean 'n-a-k-e-d', without ambiguity or qualifiers. You're in your birthday suit. Cheeks out and proud. Airing out the noodle. If you used contacts you wouldn't even be wearing those.
The ponies stare at you for a moment. You stare back, cheeks ablaze with embarrassment, thoughts racing, and heartbeat thumping like a sledgehammer against concrete. Oh, but this could be it; the day they run you out of town with pitchforks and torches, just like you always thought they would!
But they don't. Just as you're about to turn tail and slap those cheeks in retreat back to your cave of shame, Thunderlane and Time Turner offer you a warm smile and wave 'hello', like it's nothing.
"Hiya, Anon! Nice morning, isn't it?"
"Anon! It's good to see you finally enjoying the sun for a bit. Clothes sure can get stuffy after a while, huh?"
You blink and stammer out a generic agreement, too shocked to say much else. Your hand is still up in the air mid-wave when you finally mumble out a farewell and speed down the street to the refuge of a small alleyway.
"Holy shit." You're not sure this is real! "It's actually true... What in the fuck."
Ever since you got to Equestria, a single, pressing question had bothered you. If the ponies weren't used to clothes 24/7, would it REALLY bother them if you went out naked? You had asked, of course. You're not a moron. But even through their every assurance, and some encouragement, that it would be perfectly fine, you never believed them.
That doubt had gnawed away at you until today... today, when all you believed in and held as a matter of fact, was shattered. Clothes were optional. What an insane concept! Naturists be damned, here it was actually true!
With the ever-present giddiness of wrong-doing crawling all over your brain, you step out of the alleyway...
...only to duck back in and hide when a pair of fillies walk past across the street.
Some things just shouldn't be tested.
***
Ponyville takes on a very different light when naked, you decide. Everything seems so much more open, every space seemingly doubled in size, and exposed. It's like there's eyes on you at every turn. There are, of course. As the only human you always tend to draw a few stares, but this time it's different! Now you're naked! It's odd!
You make your way to Sugarcube Corner and step inside.
"Anon! Wow, looking fresh," Mr. Cake says as you step up to the counter with an awkward grin. "What can I get you?"
You shrug and rub a hand over your arm. "I'm not really sure," you say, as you realize you're not actually hungry. "I guess some coffee and cornbread would be nice."
"Sure thing! Glazed or plain?" he asks. Plain, obviously. If you're going to be going around naked, then let's at least keep the flabby flaps in check.
You're seated at your usual spot by the window with your coffee and dessert a few minutes later, contemplating life, social norms, and the things that have led you down this path. What a strange day, life, this has been to have turned out like this. Pensive and satisfied with your experiment and meal, you eventually step out of Sugarcube Corner and take a stroll through Ponyville park.
It's a beautiful day and the ponies are pleasant as ever. No one bats an eye at you, and after the novelty and few comments of praise wear off, you're just enjoying yourself as you normally do. Like it's any old thing, and today isn't at all anything special.
Eventually however, harsh reality catches up with you.
"Ouch!" you cry out and lift your foot up to examine it. There's a sharp, tiny pebble wedged tight against your reddened skin. With a frown and a teary eye, you decide this won't do, and take a quick detour back home to grab some thick socks.
***
Out and about again—with a good ol' pair of those thick socks with the rubber sole—you get ready to go about your business. It's a bit later in the afternoon, however, and your stroll has left you feeling a bit peckish. So you count out a few bits and decide to head for that Hayburger place. The hay doesn't do much for you, nutritionally speaking, but it's fried and seasoned and rather filling.
The moment you step foot inside, however, everything changes. A collective gasp echoes through the room. Everyone is dead silent.
You clear your throat and step inside, a bit more self-conscious now than before, but completely confused as to why. You make your way to the counter, where a pegasus mare greets you with a very friendly look that completely misses your face.
"Heeey there, handsome," she purrs, wings extended high in the air. "What can I help you with?"
Uh. You hug your arm close to your chest and one of your hands falls to cover your crotch as you order. You're not even sure if the pegasus paid any attention to anything you said, she certainly didn't write down your order. She just alternated her stare between your feet and your waist.
"Sure thing, cutie..." Is she salivating? "Whatever you want... It'll be a minute. If you want to take a seat? Right here is fine, you know. It's a slow day. I have time to chat."
"Uhm... it's f-fine, actually." You've never felt so vulnerable before. What the fuck is going on? "I'll just... I have to go get a thing. I'll come back in ten."
"I get off at five, you know," she says, but you're already strides away from her lascivious eyes and halfway to the exit.
What is going on?!
You don't plan to come back without five layers of clothes on. This has gotten out of hand!
But you don't even make it past the door. A group of ponies, most of them stallions, has formed up into a mob just at the entrance of the diner. Some of them do, in fact, have pitchforks.
"Oh God, you guys, I can explain!" You raise your hands to shield yourself as a volley of fast food cascades over you.
"Get out of here, you dirty, lecherous tempter!" one of them—you think it's Time Turner—says, as he slams your face with a half-eaten subway. Mayonnaise and mustard smear all over your face.
"You won't lead our mares down the path of debauchery!" Thunderlane? What's going on?!
A tuna sandwich hits you in the groin, like a mule's kick.
"What do... you maniacs... put in your fucking food?!"
"Get out of here, you sock-wearing-degenerate!" Et tu, Mr. Cake?
"Eeyup!"
It's too much. You can't fight them all. But just as you're about to be overwhelmed and ended with salami and bun, a blur of rainbow and cyan smashes into you and lifts you up and out the back door of the diner. All the wind is knocked clean out of your lungs, but you're alive, and in the hooves of a friend.
But Rainbow Dash isn't stopping.
"Uh... Rainbow?" you mumble into her ear. The look of absolute, degenerate lust that greets you when she turns to face you sends a chill down your spine.
"Sorry, Anon," she licks her lips in a definitely NOT sorry kind of manner, "but dem socks got me actin' strange..."
It is then that a blast of purple magic knocks her out of the sky, and you drop. The ground fast approaching, you say your final prayer in the form of a quiet little 'meep!', and get ready to meet your—very disappointed—maker.
Only to hit a soft, telekinetic force field.
"Oh, Twilight, thank Go-"
The look in her eyes stops you dead.
"Ohohoho, don't thank him yet," she hisses, mane disheveled, eyes bloodshot with carnal lust. "Come here, my little human. Why don't you let Princess Twilight give you little lesson about... a special kind of friendship?"
Your scream of horror and suffering dies in your throat, even as a second pony makes her appearance.
"Forgive me, darling," Rarity says, as she starts to circle around you. Twilight matches her step. "But that sock-wearing slut is mine."
You'd be offended if you weren't so utterly confused and pants-shitting terrified.
The blast of magic energy that follows nearly knocks your head off. If it hadn't been for a lightning-fast pink blur, it surely would have!
Wait. Oh God. Oh shit. Oh, please no.
Pinkie says nothing, or at least, nothing intelligible. She just tosses her head back as she looms over you and roars—a guttural, primal screech of raw power and animal rage—claiming you as her own. You can do nothing but quietly sob as slobber and confetti rain all over you.
Behind you, magic blasts and flying scissors are interrupted by a flurry of rainbow streaks and loud, brutal pony howling. The stench of sweat and mare hormones is thick in the air. But your immediate concern is with the BEAST on top of you.
Pinkie lowers her head and gives you a long, slobbery lick down from your scalp all the way to your navel. Then, with unfocused, bulging eyes, she covers your face with her entire mouth and slowly starts to swallow you whole like some freak snake from Hell.
A lasso saves your life.
"Now, ya wait jus' a minute there, sugarcube!" Applejack cries as she tugs on the rope and yanks away the pink monstrosity from on top of you. You've been reduced to ugly-crying by now. There's nothing you can do while the six most powerful mares in the world fight over your body.
Wait... six...
A yellow pegasus appears next to you. "H-hey, Anon."
You force out a choked sob. It's all you can manage by now.
"Don't worry, we're going to get you out of here."
You mumble a question, but again, it's just more ugly weeping.
"O-oh, not at all!" Fluttershy blushes. "I only, umm, like animals."
You mumble some more.
"Nah, sugarcube!" Applejack shouts from the din of battle, barely sidestepping the jaws of the pink abomination. "Ah'm gay as buck!"
You're saved!
Gently, the yellow pegasus lifts you onto her withers and trots away from the fight while Applejack valiantly holds the forces of horny at bay.
Exhaustion overwhelms you as Fluttershy carries you away to safety. The last thing you see of that horrible day is the cause of all your horror and pain... your socks dangle at the very tip of your toes, and you give your feet a little wiggle. The cursed rags fall to the ground, their hold over you finally broken.
The world goes dark.
***
Anon 2 stares at you in utter fright as you bring your tale of woe to an end.
"I'll say, Anonymous," he mumbles over the rim of his teacup, "that is one bloody awful way to figure out a faux-pas."
"Yes, Anon 2." You nod solemnly, and soak your cornbread into your coffee. "It truly was."
The two of you sit in silence for a while, contemplating life, horror, lingerie, and social conventions. The evening sun sets swiftly in the distance, strangely beautiful, unnervingly dangerous in the alien secrets it holds of this foreign land.
"Say," he says at last. "What about tights?"
You ponder the question. What about tights, indeed?
"To the shopping mall!" both of you cry out, as Mr. Cake shakes his head from behind the counter.
~ Fin ~
