With these words, you never stood a chance
Author's Note
Before you begin, imagine I just blew you a very platonic smooch.
Also I’d like to wish all of you who have dark circles under their eyes a very pleasant evening. ❤️❤️❤️
With these words, you never stood a chance
Anon was not racist.
But goddamn did he think all these ponies were adorable. Like, he could almost feel himself start to slowly transform into a Reddit moderator, what with all the times he’s nearly called a few tubby ponies ‘Chonker’ or ‘Heckin Wholesome.’ But thank goodness he still had his integrity.
One time this wall eyed mail mare kept squeaking and neighing at him in her little pony language, while hopping up and down in front of him in what seemed like excitement; an envelop clutched between her teeth.
He couldn’t have stopped the enormous amount of head pats he gave her after taking the envelop if he tried, hell, even if he had a gun placed to his head he still would’ve done it. That ridiculous lackadaisical and dopey smile she gave him shortly before flying off will stay with him forever, and keep his brain stocked with enough dopamine to at least allow him the ability to get up in the morning.
But anyways; while still not a racist, Anon believed that the ponies needed to learn how to speak English or something, because he was lazy and he sure as hell wasn’t gonna learn their language.
He wasn’t an old dog, but he also wasn’t one known much for new tricks, either.
This one pony; who Anon dubbed Book Horse, kept following him wherever he went. Yipping and yapping at him in her unintelligible horse syllables, vowels, and consonants. If that’s what you’d call them.
Which led him to where he was now: with that small horse currently talking his ear off as he tried to figure out how to make his BB gun not explode whenever he pulled the trigger.
“Gobbledegook!” She shouted.
“Oh shit, word?” Anon responded to her with a quirked brow.
“Bilge guff twaddle.”
He gasped, “Wow, she said that? What a bitch.” Before shaking his head and haphazardly searching his work station for any ball bearings.
“Bleigh.” She blew air out of her nose.
“That’s what I’m saying, man. People nowadays got no respect.”
The pony began muttering, before walking over and slamming a hoof on his work station and causing all his tools to fall over. Anon shouted in alarm. While Book Horse shouted, “Codswallop piffle, bunk bosh!” Before letting out an Irritated nicker and pointing at him with a hoof, gesturing to the exit behind her with her head.
She wanted him to follow her somewhere, it would seem.
Anon was in the process of side-eying her as she did so. His eyes widening with mirth once he understood. He gave her a smirk, crossing his arms and taking a step forward.
“You want to exterminate all the blasphemers who dip their carrots in ketchup? Shit Booker, that’s all you had to say!”
She grunted.
Anon gave her a mock surrender, backing up a smidge. “Oh shit, right, Booker is your word. My bad, I meant Booka. Forgot that ya’ll are a very progressive bunch.”
The pony shook her head before beginning to walk off, which prompted him to follow. After making sure that his shed was locked behind him before he wandered off, he turned to see where Book Pony was heading to.
“Tripe?” She called back to him, slowing down so he could catch up. Anon tossed his keys into one of his pockets before following suit.
“Yeah, yeah, hold your horses.”
Silence from Book Horse.
Anon really wished he had his own laugh track sometimes, nobody appreciated the fine arts anymore.
So after a brief walk—which was full of such incredible sights such as; ‘Ponies buying groceries’ and the infamous ‘Donkey who was very sad because everyone was being totally racist towards him for some unknown reason’—the two of them found themselves inside the local library, where Book Horse—the owner of said library—began muttering to herself.
“Stupido Donker.”
Anon blinked. “I’m pretty sure I understood the meaning to that one.”
“Ich liebe es Decken zu lecken?”
Anon’s eyebrows lifted. “...What is that? Spanish?”
“Flapdoodle.”
He nodded. “Okay, I think I’m putting up what your putting down.”
“Bonky tonky.”
“I do look good today, don’t I? Thank you for noticing. I’ve been doing tons of squats recently.”
“Plog.”
He let out a long exhale of air from his nose and crossed his arms. “So what is it, Book Horse? Trying to make me read another alphabet book again? Because like I told you before, I’d rather read Fifty Shades of Grey before trying to understand your strange neigh language ever again.”
The mare ignored him, opting to instead grab at one of his sleeves with her teeth and attempt at pulling him with her, trying to guide him towards what looked like a basement.
“Woah, now hold on there buckaroo! I have a bad history with women and dark basements.” He tried to remove himself from her grip but she growled at him. He decided that maybe it would do him some good to not piss off the magic horse that could shatter his ribs with a single kick, and stopped struggling.
It’s not like she’d try experimenting on him or anything.
After she smacked open the door to the basement and lead him down the creaky stairs, Anon managed to catch sight of a single chair sitting in the middle of the room, highlighted by a dull light bulb that was attached to the ceiling.
“Yo dog. You had electricity this whole time?”
“Havers.”
He nodded dumbly, “I can see that.”
She began gesturing towards the chair, seemingly asking him to sit down. He nodded, speaking slowly, “Alright.” And then he sat down, where Book Horse then began to hastily place some kind of weird helmet on him that was covered in tin foil.
“...Are you on the run from the government? You’re not trying to turn me into a sleeper agent or something, are you?”
She didn’t respond, instead choosing to flip some strange dials on the helmet, before plugging some kind of cord into the back of it and dragging the other end towards a switch—which was connected to a rather beefy looking machine—and jamming it into a rather ghetto looking socket that was attached right below it. She then proceeded to wander back over to him.
“Hey, you don’t think I haven’t seen The Green Mile? I don’t like where this is going!” He went to rip the strange contraption off, but he was pushed down and held in place by the deceptively strong librarian, who attached some straps onto his arms and legs.
She walked back to the machine.
“Hey, are you listening to me? I do not consent! I’m not slated for the electric chair, the IRS hasn’t even caught me yet!”
The mare ignored him, putting on some goggles and smiling wildly, which made Anon’s pupils shrink. She grabbed the switch.
“Käse.”
Everything went black for Anon once she threw the switch, the machine whirring as he screamed in terror.
Anon was slowly coming to.
”Hey, are you finally awake?” The voice startled him into opening his eyes, which prompted him to hiss, as the lightbulb above him seemed to bore into his retinas. He chose to block the light with one hand, the other pinching his nose as he groaned.
Wait, he wasn’t restrained?
He was jostled and forced to stand up rather forcefully by Book Pony, which caused him great agitation. Book Pony—who after Anon stopped seeing two of—looked anxious.
“Come on. Say something!” Anon still couldn't understand her, however this time, instead of neighs and nickers, It was like she was speaking in white noise. Like that of which tinnitus would bring.
He just glared at her.
“I hate you.” Is what he thought he said, but instead his mouth spewed out something different.
“Te odio.”
...
’What.’
“¿¡Qué me has hecho!?” He shouted in alarm.
”Oh for Celestia’s sake, It didn’t work, he’s still spouting nonsense!” The mare shouted in a high pitched ring, obviously aggravated.
Anon couldn't believe it. He wasn’t speaking English anymore. Actually, the language sounded familiar to him, but where has he heard it before?
’Oh my god, no way!’
“¿Hablo francés?”
Holy shit.
Anon couldn't believe it. He was speaking in fluent French.
“You crazy little troglodyte! You’ve turned me French!” His words were once again misinterpreted.
”Hold on, I can fix this!” The mare shouted, quickly throwing him back into the chair and slamming the helmet back on, which caused him to shout.
“No bueno!”
After tightening his bounds again, she ran over and pulled the switch. And once again Anon screamed, however, this time he did so in an accent.
Twilight sighed and felt herself slump.
’The sound of progress.’ She groaned, rubbing her nose as the process of the machine began once again. She was not having a good day, she thought her invention would cause a magical change to take place in the creature’s brain, allowing him to speak her language.
Similar to a translation spell, but one far more powerful. Hopefully allowing even an unknown language to be understood by both parties.
It took some tinkering, but eventually she found a way to pump a device with enough magic to perhaps rival Princess Celestia’s own reserves—though she would never admit such Hersey out loud—which with a throw of a switch, would release some of that magic through a concentrated source, i.e. a helmet. It took many weeks of steadily pooling magic into, and even then, she only had enough for three attempts before she needed to refuel it.
And she just used one.
The creature had an impeccable magical resistance, with the most peculiar thing about it being that it was completely natural, not mare made; magic or otherwise. Even if somepony managed to drive though it with enough power to shatter it—which is what Twilight had planned on—it would regenerate faster than you could blink.
However, she theorized that if a spell did make it through and attached it’s self to his brain, then perhaps the body wouldn't reject it after the barrier regenerated. Which seemed to work on the first attempt, even if he spoke the wrong language.
So in short; that’s what she did, she beamed a permanent translation spell into his brain.
It didn’t work. At least not on the first try.
But that’s what the other two were for! Twilight just needed to make sure the language translated was the correct one, or at least one close to the correct one. She would prefer him to speak her own language, but she could live with him speaking a foreign language from her planet.
It would be so much better to hear him speak a language that translators could actually decipher, or one she could read about rather than write about. It couldn’t be any worse than that ridiculous grunt-y language he spoke in currently, she figured.
The creature already couldn’t understand ponies, and ponies couldn’t understand the creature, so what was the worst that could happen with translating him? Maybe he’d end up speaking another language from his own planet. So what? That didn’t sound so bad. Not to her at least.
It was worth the risk.
Oh look, he’s walking up!
She quickly entered his bleary vision.
“Hello? Can you understand me?”
“Quesadilla. Me duele el cerebro... Taco Bell?”
She sighed. “Bucking dammit.” She quickly ran back towards the switch, not even giving him the chance to speak again before activating it once more.
He went limp. Again.
One more chance for it to work. Else she’d have to spend another multitude of weeks recharging the machine.
She prayed that with this one final attempt, she would finally be rewarded with the fruits of her labour.
“The knowledge of an otherworldly being.” She muttered to herself.
Anon was not racist. But goddam was Book Horse really starting to make him dislike unicorns. He has been zapped a total of three times. And although it wasn’t painful per say, it certainly wasn’t a comfortable experience.
It kind of felt like his brain was vibrating. Not fun.
He groaned, once again coming back down from a hazy disorientation. He heard the clip-clop of the librarian’s hooves as she, once again, entered in his line of sight. She seemed extra anxious this time around, biting her lower lip as she fiddled with her hooves in anticipation.
“Fuck you, mini Hitler.” He said breathless.
She gasped.
“I can understand you!”
Anon gave her a mock gasp in return. They could understand each other!
“Finally! Now I’ll be able to make sense of your pleads, as I wrap my fingers around your neck.”
The mare recoiled. “W-what?”
Anon groaned, “Didn't your mommy ever tell you that electric shock therapy is morally questionable? You could’ve warned me.” The mare blinked at him, her face turning deadpan. Anon blushed.
“Shut up. I know what I said, Book Horse.”
“My name is Twilight Sparkle.” She grumbled.
Anon cocked his head to the side.
“Bitch Tits? Huh, not the name I would’ve picked for you, but if that’s your name, that’s your name.”
Bitch Tits frowned. “That’s not nice.”
Anon tried to stand up, finding that he was still bound. He began to struggle. “Neither is whatever you just did to me, you crazy nag! Now let me go.”
Tits of the Bitch gasped. “How dare you!” Before she paused, crossing her hooves while beginning to ponder to herself.
“You know what,” she began after a short pause. “Maybe I won’t.” She harrumphed, turning around and sticking her nose up high with indignation. “I don’t like your attitude.”
Anon grit his teeth, hissing. “I will end you.”
“All the more reason to keep you there.”
The man growled, fuming as the mare seemed to make no moves at letting him go. “I swear on your God that I will re-arrange the space time continuum just to make sure you were never born.”
At his words she began waking away, slowly taking exaggerated steps towards the stairs.
’She wouldn't leave me here.’
“I will leave you here.”
’Shes bluffing.’
She began ascending the steps. After she passed over a few steps he began to enter a cold sweat. Once she reached halfway, he finally felt his resolve crumble.
“Okay! Okay, fine. Twilight Sparkle.”
She paused, before looking over her shoulder. “I’m sorry, did you say something?”
He growled, “Untie me.” Which made Twilight shrug.
“I don’t know... I might be swayed to untie you. Perhaps if you apologized and said ‘please’?”
”You are an absolute bite sized bitch.”
“Well. I tried, but it would seem my friendship isn’t welcome here. I’m leaving.” She took a single step and he conceded.
“Alright! Twilight Sparkle, I’m sorry—for wishing upon a star that your mother had swallowed you rather than taking it in the cooter. Now, would you kindly untie me? I’d greatly appreciate it.”
Her face scrunched up.
“Do it once more, this time without the sarcasm.”
”How about I bite down on my tongue? I wonder what Big Momma Sunbutt will say once she finds the corpse of an endangered species in your basement?” He seethed.
’Big mo- The Princess?’ She froze, the scenario of Princess Celestia finding him in her basement hooked up to one of her machines flashed in her mind. It did not inspire much confidence inside her.
She swallowed before making her way back down. “Okay, fair point. How about we reach a compromise? You don’t say anything to the Princess and I can untie you. We’ll start over fresh?”
Anon grinned, giving her a sharp nod.
“Bueno.”
What? He liked the way that word sounded.
Twilight Sparkle wished she couldn't understand Anon.
It started off rather nicely, actually. They both had calmed down and reached a consensus, deciding that those long sat on questions finally deserved their overdue answers.
They began simple. Twilight would ask for knowledge on things such as his race, his name, his age, and other such personal—yet un-invasive—questions. Anon would ask for insight on things he found strange, varying from wishing to understand how Pegasi could push clouds and control the weather; to something simple, like why ponies had marks on their behinds.
After Anon stopped seeking answers for his own questions. He started throwing curveball answers at her’s; and now she couldn’t distinguish the truth from the lie. The amount of things he has said that have either baffled her with their absurdity, or made her face green with disgust, was maddening.
Such as now.
“...So your saying that if human males don’t have... intercourse within every three weeks, they will die? I refuse to believe that.” Twilight scoffed at Anon.
He shook his head. “No I’m dead serious, it’s true! It’s also rather horrific actually, the brain implodes before it explodes; which let me tell you is a real bummer when you’re hosting a birthday party.”
“Why haven’t you died yet, then?”
Anon scowled and crossed his arms. “Hey. I’ll let you know that I have sex all the time.”
She shook her head before narrowing her eyes at him. “Why would their brain explode? That doesn’t make sense.”
Anon chuckled to himself, seemingly at something only he could understand; an inside joke, perhaps? As he laughed, he whispered something under his breath. “Heh, cum is stored in the brain and I have a headache.” He covered his mouth to try and block his giggles.
Twilight just sighed. “I knew it. You’re just pulling my tail again, aren’t you?”
“Guilty as charged.”
She rubbed her face in irritation and grunted. “Are all humans this frustrating?” Anon froze, then his eyes widened and he took a step back.
“Woah woah woah, what the hell man? I thought you ponies were progressive.” He crossed his arms and feigned anger. “Bunch of bite sized racists, ain't yah?” He began to glare at her in silence. Twilight looked as if she broke out into a cold sweat while trying to think of something to say.
After a moment of enjoying her squirming, Anon dropped the stern glare from his face. “Oh, who am I kidding. I couldn’t resist your adorable charms even if I tried.” He reached over to pet her on the head, a big smile stretched on his face.
“Who’s the cute little racist pony~? You are, yes—you are~!” He cooed.
Twilight swiped away his hand, her face red in embarrassment. “Don’t do that!”
Anon gasped in faux shock, a hand going to his chest. “Twilight.” He began as seriously as he could. “I’ll let you know that batting away a human’s hand when they go to give their patented platonic head rubbies is a declaration of war.”
Twilight’s face pulled back in terror, her eyes nearly bugging out in their sockets. She stuttered, seemingly in an attempt to make amends for her transgression; before once again feeling her face turn red in embarrassment—with a hint of anger as well—at the sight of him barely containing his laughter, his smile not at all hidden.
“Fell for it twice! Hah!”
Her face scrunched up in a scowl, before she smacked him in the shoulder.
“You jerk.”
The human winced, rubbing the abused shoulder. “Hey, there’s no reason to get physical, now...” He gave her the biggest shit eating smirk he possibly could. “And I’ll let you know that when a woman hits a man’s shoulder, that’s a sign that she wants to bone.”
She started furiously shaking her hoof, as if it had just been covered in something disgusting. “Ew, ew, ew, eee-wah! Why did you have to tell me that? That’s so fricking gross! You’re so gross!”
He laughed at her suffering, like the sadist that he was.
“Hey, you’re the one who keeps throwing mixed signals at me. Tying me down before we’ve even gone on a date. You kinky little minx-“
“Stop! I’ll never ask any question about you ever again, just please stop saying those things!” She whined, waving her hooves at him as she shook her head in disgust. “No more!”
Anon sighed condescendingly. “Alright, alright.” He crossed his arms again. “But that thing I said about the moon is true.”
Twilight quickly deadpanned—although her face was still slightly red from his previous words—and crossed her hooves in defiance. “Okay you can stop messing with me, I’m not a foal. Your kind did not land on the moon, that is impossible. Out of all the things you have told me, that is the one I probably believe the least.”
Anon’s eyebrows crinkled in bemusement. “You believe the whole ‘exploding brain caused by pent up horniness’ more than our moon landing? Are you kidding?”
“Well...” She started, a crude smile beginning to spread across her face as her eyes wandered over to his forehead.
His lips fell into a thin line. ”Don’t start.” He warned.
“I’m just saying Anon; your head is looking kind of big...” Anon scowled at her as she began to giggle.
“Stop that.” He said curtly. Twilight shook her head, her giggling causing her eyes to close.
“No, I don’t think I will~“ She cooed. She pointed at his forehead and let out a snort. “The Wonder Bolts could probably use your head as a landing strip!” Her giggles delved into full-blown laughter.
Anon scowled. “Wow, real mature.”
She kept laughing, tears starting to form in her eyes as her chest convulsed. “I have to ask, d-do you use something to make your h-head look that shiny?” She collapsed to the floor, laughing all the way.
He adverted his eyes, his face flushing a burning hot red. He covertly began sneaking one his hands behind his head and rubbed it. “The lack of hair just makes it look bigger, alright? It’s not that big, or shiny.” He grumbled.
She clutched at her stomach. “Oh~ Ow~ It hurts. It hurts from laughing!”
“Yeah, yeah. Whatever you say, stubby.”
Twilight began rubbing the tears from her eyes, her giggles tapering off, before she took a deep breath. “Wow. Oh my gosh, I haven’t laughed that hard in a while.”
”It’s not that funny.” He mumbled, his face sour.
“No.” She shook her head, “it’s not.”
Anon sighed in relief, glad to no longer be the target of such slander.
“It’s frickin’ hilarious! I’m calling you skinhead from now on! ” She shouted in mirth.
’Ok. That’s it.’
Anon began marching over towards Twilight, which caused her laughter to fully cease and her eyes to widen slightly. She was beginning to look nervous as he stomped closer.
“Come here you little gremlin!” He shouted and reached his hands out towards her.
Twilight’s pupils turned to pinpricks as he towered over her, she yelped once he made a grab for her and quickly turned tail to run. “Get back here, you cannot escape justice!” He yelled as he began to chase her.
“You can’t escape being bald before thirty, apparently!” She yelled over her shoulder.
“Why you- get over here you little shit!”
The library was quickly filled with the sounds of yells and profanity from both sides as the chase continued.
