Rainbow Dash Hacks the Internet Again (Hacker Blitz's Second Strike!)
"I'm not sure this is a good idea," Twilight said. "Remember how badly this turned out last time?"
Rainbow held her head up high, as her hooves tapped the keyboard. "I only THOUGHT my computer had been hacked. But it turns out I'd just gotten something called spam. That's when somecreature sends messages to thousands or millions of people, but there's nothing personal about it, and they're usually just full of lies. My computer hadn't really been hacked at all!"
Twilight walked around to the back of the computer, and inspected it. The network cable led to a box labeled "TwilightISP." It must be from the human Twilight, the princess thought. "So what's your hacking plan for today?"
"In the hyuu-man world this year, there's a big epidemic. Hyuu-mans are afraid to go outside or talk to each other face-to-face. So they're talking to each other through their computers, to keep from getting the virus."
"Oh!" Twilight's face lit up with a big smile. "You'll help them communicate with each other through the Internet, so they can avoid spreading disease! That's wonderful!"
"What?" Rainbow loooked puzzled. "No, what I'm going to do is, when the hyuu-mans try to talk to each other through Zyuuum, I'm going to break into the call and make them look at pictures of my butt. It's called Zyuuum bombing, and it's the latest hacker trick!"
Twilight remembered some of the strange things she'd seen on the Internet when visiting the human world. Was Rainbow planning to find humans who like to look at pony butts, and help them keep their spirits up?
Twilight had to admit, she'd heard plenty of worse plans in her lifetime. Many of the worse plans were from overpowered villains trying to take over Equestria, but still...she should try to give Rainbow the benefit of the doubt.
"I guess that's great!" Twilight said. "I'm sure it'll help those humans feel a lot better!"
Rainbow's eyes moved shiftily. "Yeah, better."
***
Rainbow waggled her hindquarters in front of the webcam she'd set up. It was far enough from her computer for the pegasus to fit into the space between. "Sorry to BUTT in."
On the screen, in two different subwindows, a woman in medical scrubs and another woman in her underwear stared. The scrubs-clad woman said, "I don't know who you are. But I have to ask you to get off the line right now. Our time is limited."
Rainbow stared. "Limited? While everyhyuu-man is sitting at home with nothing to do but pose in their underwear?"
"This is a medical exam, and we only have twenty-five minutes."
"Holy Celestia!" Rainbow said. "She's going to die in twenty-five minutes? Omigosh I'm so sorry! I just thought you were looking at each other's underwear! Because that's a thing hyuu-mans like to do on the Internet, right? Sorry!" Rainbow tapped the keyboard to disconnect from the call.
"So," Twilight said acidly, "how many lives have you brightened today? So far?"
"Shut up!" Rainbow said. "I just wanted to help creatures laugh. I had no idea one of them was dying!" Rainbow scratched her mane with one forehoof. "Imagine being so sick, you're going to die in less than an hour. This epidemic is even worse than I thought."
Twilight nodded. "They're dying so fast some places, they can't even keep proper count. In one city, they have to put the corpses in refrigerator trucks that they usually use to store dead cows."
"That's terrible!" Rainbow cried. "What are they going to do with the cows? Are the hyuu-mans going to crowd the cows out of the cow graveyards?"
Twilight rubbed her forehead. "That's...not quite how things work there. Never mind, it's not important."
Twilight sighed.
"The important thing is, have you learned a lesson from this, Rainbow Dash?"
"I sure have!"
"Glad to hear it. And that lesson is?"
"If I could get a cow costume, I could dress up as one of the dead cows that's had its truck taken away, and was dug up to bury hyuu-mans in its spot. That would be so cool!" Rainbow thought for a moment. "If that joke isn't too sophisticated for the hyuu-mans to understand. I've been pranking for my whole life, and I'm a real expert. If I'm not careful, I might do something that goes right over their heads."
Twilight rubbed her forehead. "I'm glad you're taking the trouble to think about that."
***
The human on the screen said, "There isn't any epidemic! The virus doesn't kill anyone who wasn't going to die anyway!"
"Anycreature who wasn't going to die anyway?" Rainbow asked. "But we're all going to die sooner or later, right?"
"Yeah!" the human said. "Everyone's going to die sooner or later. So why live in fear?"
"Okay, so now I understand. The virus can kill almost any hyuu-man who isn't immortal. What IS the hyuu-man version of an alicorn, anyway? Are there a few hyuu-mans who have horns and wings and are high up in your government and can't die from coronavirus?"
The human looked surprised. "Are you telling me, a few of our high government officials are DEMONS?"
"I never said that. But are there a few creatures high in your hyuu-man government who act like the epidemic can't kill them?"
The human's mouth gaped open. "Maybe our president IS immune. Maybe he's a demon and his demonic powers make him immune, so he just laughs while people are dying! That would explain so much! It's a conspiracy to kill the pureblood humans and help demons take over the earth!"
"Wow," Rainbow said. "I had no idea! It's a good thing you're here to figure it out and explain it to me. Are there some hyuu-mans who this epidemic has been especially killing a lot of?"
The human grabbed a white hood that had been hanging on the wall, took a pair of scissors out of a drawer, and started cutting the hood into pieces. "Now I see through the demonic lies, and I understand who's REALLY a human being! I can't wait to get on Ewetoob and explain the TRUE conspiracy! Thank you so much!"
"Glad I could help," Rainbow said. She turned to whisper to Twilight. "Hyuu-mans are crazy."
"My Ewetoob name is WhitePower1982. Don't forget to watch my videos, like, and subscribe!"
"Sure," Rainbow said. "I'll check in with you later and look at your new videos. But...I think demons are trying to mess with my Internet connection." Outside the camera's view, one of Rainbow's hindlegs reached down and jiggled cables. "Those darn demons! They just don't like truth--"
The connection went dark.
"Thank Celestia!" Rainbow said. "I keep trying to prank hyuu-mans on the Internet. But sometimes I can't even tell if they're pranking me back harder than I'm pranking them."
Twilight sucked air through her teeth. "Would a human cut his fancy white hood into pieces just to prank you? You seem to have convinced one human that he shouldn't help the epidemic kill humans. So I guess that's good. You did something good, Rainbow."
"It would feel better if I understood exactly what I did."
***
"Ha ha ha!" one of the human children said. "Look at the cartoon horsey dance! She's so silly!"
Rainbow wiggled and waggled some more. "I'm getting tired. Making hyuu-mans look at my butt is hard work." She turned halfway around, picked up the webcam that had been behind her, and moved it to her computer desk, so she could face it while using the computer.
"Tell us a story!"
"I don't know if I'm any good at telling stories. But I'll try. Once upon a time...no, let me start over. I have a friend named Fluttershy. Fluttershy loves all kinds of animals, and animals love her too. Fluttershy wanted to be able to talk to bees, but bees don't talk with their mouths. Instead of talking with their mouths, they talk by dancing, and wiggling their butts."
"Ha ha ha!"
"Hee hee!"
And so it went.
Author's Note
Weird Scientific Facts About Bugs That Talk By Waggling Their Butts, Where I Get (Some of) My Story Ideas, and More!
If you want to read more about Fluttershy and bees waggling their butts, there's always that one story by Pineta, "Bee Kind and Waggle On."
Art credits: reused with permission from "Rainbow Dash Hacks the Internet."
As always, don't forget to upvote, comment, favorite, follow, and use masks with physical distancing and handcleaning as appropriate! Wow, that sounds like a lot of work. So you can skip telling everyone how great (or terrible) my story is, if you use the time to keep from killing people with disease. Thanks!
Does anyone wonder where I get my story ideas? Here's one place. (link) They'll give you a free story idea too! It might be the same idea they gave me, though.
