Princess Twilight Sparkle looked out the window and watched as the sun rose over the snow-coated Canterlot. It was a sight she looked forward to every year, one that she never tired of. Since foal-hood, she’d always been the first one in the household up, the first to see this Hearth’s Warming dawn.
As a filly, it had been a mad dash down the stairs followed by ear-piercing squeals that woke the house when she saw what Santa Hooves had left under the tree.
As she’d gotten older, it had been careful tip-toing so as to enjoy a little peace and quiet before the rest of the family rose for the usual holiday hustle and bustle.
These days, she made sure to put her early-rising nature to good use by putting on the morning coffee.
She contentedly breathed in the aroma of the concoction as it cooked. It was a small thing, but it was something that she always made sure to take care of. She’d made it a point to always be home for Hearth’s Warming, and this year was no different. But this year would be a smaller affair. Just her and her parents. All the grandparents, uncles, aunts, and cousins were visiting other family this year. And Shining Armor…
Well, Shining Armor was just too busy up in the Crystal Empire with his own family.
At least that’s what she kept telling herself.
A soft knock on the front door pulled her from her thoughts and she quickly trotted over. Who could it possibly be on this Hearth’s Warming morning? Some late delivery of some distant relative’s gift? Her magic seized the doorknob and she swung the door open wide. “Yes? Can I help you?”
“I hope so.” A familiar voice answered. “If you don’t let me in, I might freeze to death.”
Twilight’s jaw dropped and she barely repressed a scream of surprised joy as she beheld her big brother standing on the front porch. “Shining Armor!” She rushed into his waiting arms and hugged him tightly. “I thought you were spending Hearth’s Warming in the Empire.”
“Technically, I am.” Shining Armor pulled away and followed her into the house, shutting the door behind him. “We have some castle staff with family in the city, and I offered to join them for a day trip. I’ll be back there a little later this afternoon.” He sniffed the air as he removed his hat and scarf. “Is that coffee? It smells great.”
The siblings headed back to the kitchen, and Twilight quickly poured them both steaming mugs full of the rich, caffeinated liquid. Twilight finished her first sip and sighed with contentment. “Perfect.” For the first time, she noticed the small wrapped box floating in her brother’s magic. The bow was violet, the same shade as her coat. “What’s that?”
“Oh this?” Shining Armor passed the parcel to her and smiled with embarrassment. “It’s nothing much. Just a little present for my little sister.”
Twilight looked at the box for a moment, then reached out and pulled the bow from the box. She reached out and stuck it to his chest.
“What’s that for?” He asked with a laugh.
“It’s just…” Twilight looked away and smiled, redness in her cheeks. “Well, I wasn’t expecting to see you this holiday. So… I guess you’re my present this year.”
She looked back, and they smiled as their eyes met.
“What the hell are you doing here?”
The siblings turned as one to find their parents standing the kitchen’s entryway. Night Light was staring at his son with open contempt. Twilight Velvet was biting her lip as her eyes flicked back and forth between her children.
“Uh…” Shining Armor smiled uneasily. “Hi, Dad. Coffee?”
“You’ve got a lot of nerve coming back into this house after what you pulled.” Night Light’s horn sparked with anger. “I told you you’d better stay up in your empire after what I saw.”
“Dad, we told you last year; it wasn’t what you thought.” Twilight tried to place herself between her father and brother. “It was all just a big misunderstanding.” She offered a mug. “Let’s just have some coffee and…”
“Twilight? What is that?” Twilight Velvet pointed at the bow stuck to her son’s chest.
“Oh. It’s… uh… it’s just…” Twilight looked away and smiled slightly. “He’s… he’s my present this year.”
The two pairs of ponies stared at one another for a few moments, each waiting for the other to make the first move.
Finally, it was Shining Armor who threw his hooves in the air. “Okay. Fine. We’re fucking.”
The mug in Twilight’s magic shattered as her mother screamed and her father roared. She looked at her brother in open shock. “Shining Armor!”
But the stallion was still focused on his parents. “I’m your son and I’m in love with your daughter. You have to deal with that.”
Twilight Velvet’s eye twitched as she spotted the box in her daughter’s hooves. “Shining Armor… what is in that box?”
“It’s, uh, nothing. Just a…”
But Night Light’s magic had already snatched it from his daughter’s grasp. He ignored her protests as he tore open the packaging and looked inside. His eyes widened in horror as he pulled out the contents; an open velvet case containing a beautiful diamond ring. “No…” he whispered in horror.
“Holy shit.” Twilight turned and found her brother kneeling beside her. “Shining Armor…”
“Twilight Sparkle, I love that we have so much in common. Y’know, ‘cause we grew up together.” He took his hoof in hers and gazed into her eyes. “I just want to wake up everyday to the smell of you… and the rich smell of real Celestial Sisters Dark Roast.” He laid a gentle kiss on her frog. “Will you make me the happiest brother in the whole world?”
Twilight reached up to wipe away the tears of joy. “But… what about Cadance?”
“Oh, she’s super into it. Just think of all the crazy threesomes we’re about to…!” He was cut off as Night Light tackled him to the tiled floor and began raining blows down on his head. Twilight tried to help stop her father, but her mother grabbed her and pulled her away from the conflict. The siblings struggled against their parents mightily, and when they found they couldn’t get away with brute force, they simultaneously cast pulses of magic that freed them.
In an instant they were in each others arms, their lips and tongues wrestling, filling the kitchen with wet smacking sounds and quiet sounds of pleasure…
With a cry of fury, Night Light seized his first born with his magic and pulled him away. He smashed him against the refrigerator and pushed a foreleg against his throat. “You bastard!” With his free hoof, he resumed throwing punches at the white stallion’s face. “You’ve ruined this family!”
“Get off of him!” Twilight reached out but found herself once again held captive by her mother’s surprisingly strong grip. “Let go of me! Let go!” She reached for Shining Armor desperately. “I just want to fuck my brother!”
Twilight Velvet could only scream and sob, mentally begging the universe to tell her what crime she had committed to deserve such a fate for her family…
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“And then we pull back to show the coffee packaging on the counter.” Flim pointed at the last storyboard. "Followed by a fade to black after the jingle.”
Princess Celestia, seated on the other side of the conference table, sat in stunned silence as the commercial pitch ended.
Princess Luna, seated beside her, looked over at her older sister and grinned. “Well… I like it.”
Celestia ignored her sister and eyed the twin stallions before her carefully. “And you’re sure that this is the best way to sell coffee?”
“Oh, absolutely.” Flam nodded eagerly. “Our research shows that incest is very in this year.”
“You don’t say.” Celestia pursed her lips.
“Have you consulted Twilight and Shining Armor about this concept?” Luna asked. “Do you need their approval?”
“Not at all!” Flim shook his head. “According to the new bylaws you put in place regarding public figures, their likenesses can be used for marketing and holiday purposes.”
“What about their parents?”
“Public figures by association. Subsection C, paragraph four. Also free game.”
Luna nodded, her last reservation sated. “Well, that about covers it.”
Celestia gave her sister a withering look. “This is not what I had in mind when I helped you draft those new laws, sister.”
“Oh, I’m sorry.” Luna examined her hoof disinterestedly. “Would it be more appropriate if we were to imply that Twilight was, oh, I don’t know, totally random thought, going to eat children who don’t give her candy?”
Celestia bit her lip. “Let’s compromise.” She looked back to the Flim-Flam brothers. “Why don’t we cut it in half? Right around the point before the parents come in?”
The brothers huddled together for a moment, then looked back at the princess and nodded. “An excellent idea, your Highness. Implied incest is much sexier than overt.”
“Indeed. Completely my intention.” Celestia sank into her chair as Luna began to go over the storyboards again. Her magic lifted her mug of coffee to her lips and she took a small sip. “Well, I did my best. That's all that matters.” She looked down at the hot liquid and smiled. "It really is good coffee, though."
Author's Note
“Twily! Did you see that new coffee commercial?”
“The one that implied that we were sleeping together?”
“Yup. Isn’t that most ridiculous thing you’ve ever heard of?”
“The t-things t-they c-come up with t-to s-sell c-coffee…”
“It was kind of nice how they just…mmmmmm… implied it. Implied incest is much sexier than overt incest. Don’t you think so, Dad?”
“D-don’t bother him, Shining Armor. He’s h-having a h-hard enough time n-not b-busting early. Honestly, M-mom; you’ve r-really g-got to w-work on his, AH, endurance.”
“Where are your manners, Twily? You know Mom’s not supposed to talk when her mouth’s full.”
