Diary of a Royal Guard

by Triple Word Score

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Other, Random, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 10444

Corporal Raincloud chronicles his experiences as a guard at Canterlot Palace.

Corporal Raincloud has been selected for the most coveted post in the Equestrian military, Canterlot Palace. At first, it seems like a dream come true. He soon comes to realize he had no idea what he was in for, an up-close look behind the scenes at Equestria's seat of power.

Published 2012-08-31 12:54:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-11-25 06:05:03 UTC

Chapter 1: Reporting for Duty

You are reading the private diary of Corporal Raincloud. If you are reading this without permission, I cannot be held responsible for my actions resulting from your reading this.

Initial Entry:

Time flies when you don't have any responsibilities, but all vacations must end. Sooner or later, the ponies paying your salary want you to get back to earning your keep. Don't get me wrong, serving in Their Majesties' Equestrian Legion isn't a bad deal, especially when you get hoof-picked to join the Royal Guard division at Canterlot Palace.

Imagine my reaction when I got those orders last month while stationed at the Equestrian Embassy in the Gryphon Territories. Even more shocking was the fact that the ambassador recommended me by name. Generally speaking, he was the type of leader who only remembered your name if you created extra work for him, or rather, caused inter-cultural incidents with the locals while off duty. It's one thing to make a pass at a cute bartender after you've had a few drinks. It's another thing to pick a fight with the bouncer when he shows up to throw you out. The ambassador did everything in his power to make life miserable for those who could not make this distinction. He hated working only slightly less than he hated those who made him work overtime. A simple commendation, on the other hoof, was practically unheard of.

A recommendation for the most coveted post in the entire Legion? I might as well spend a paycheck on lottery tickets. Of course, when I asked him about it, he just said they had an open spot for a pegasus guard. His completely neutral expression while giving such a vague answer suggested there was more to it that he wasn't going to tell me about. Somehow, I doubt that managing to stay out of trouble for the three years I was there would have been enough to put me over the other pegasi at the Embassy.

In any case, the powers that be saw fit to give me two weeks of leave. I took advantage of this time to go home to Trottingham, visit my folks, and do absolutely nothing for the entire first week. I also wanted to talk to my grandpa about his time as a Royal Guard, but he wouldn't say much of anything.

“You'll just have to see for yourself,” he told me, with a rather disturbing grin, “It wouldn't be any fun if I just told you everything.” Maybe I'm just over-thinking things.

He also suggested that I start a diary to write down my experiences.

Checking In:

I haven't been in Canterlot for a full day yet, and I can already see why everypony wants to be posted here. They actually do things in a way that makes sense! This can't be real. I must be dreaming, but I can't say for sure until either my teeth start falling out or I suddenly find that my coat and mane have been shaved off.

According to my orders, all I had to do was show up at the gate and get further directions from there. They said the same thing when I reported for duty at the embassy three years ago. They just happened to leave out the part where I had to argue with the gate guard that yes, I really did have a reason to be there, and then I had to wait a half hour for him to confirm with his superiors before he finally let me in. Then, I got yelled at for being late and not having my coat and mane dyed properly despite the fact that getting a military dye job isn't possible off post.

Imagine my surprise when I walked up to the gate pulling a small rental cart with all of my things and saw an officer waiting there. After we exchanged salutes, he addressed me, and introduced himself as Shining Armor, captain of the Royal Guard.

I was at a complete loss for what to say. Not only were they expecting me, but the captain himself showed up to greet me.

I will never forget his response to my stunned silence, “Relax, we do things a little differently than I imagine you're used to.”

As the captain walked away to tend to his other duties, a pegasus guard showed up and introduced himself as Sergeant Scud Runner. In my previous experience, this was the part where I'd have to find a place to dump everything while I spent the rest of the day in a bureaucratic run-around between admin offices. Instead, he showed me to the barracks. Apparently, I had the rest of the day to unpack and get my coat, mane, and tail dyed. All the administrative stuff will be covered tomorrow at orientation.

Yes, there's an orientation briefing for guards new to the Palace. They don't just drop you in the middle of things and get all bent out of shape when you don't know where anything is or what the fuck is going on.

When I finally got to see my room, it was icing on the too-good-to-be-true cake. OK, the beds were no more than basic frames with cheap mattresses, but the room was easily twice as big as the one back at the embassy guards' quarters. And I had to share that room.

Unpacking was an experience as well. Sharing a small room meant that I didn't really have much stuff. In fact, with some creative packing techniques, I could have probably fit everything I brought with me in a pair of oversized saddlebags, but the cart was easier. In any case, my lack of oversized saddlebags meant several trips up and down the stairs to get everything up. Rather, it would have if two off-duty unicorns from the night watch hadn't insisted on helping me carry it all to my room. I should have gotten their names, because now I owe them at least several drinks for their efforts.

Now that I think about it, this isn't a dream. I've somehow died, and through a clerical error in the afterlife, not been condemned to Tartarus.

Orientation:

Today I learned a couple of important things.

The first is about my future in Their Majesties' Equestrian Legion. Canterlot Palace is a minimum 3-year post even if my active duty ends before that, and I will remain here for the extent of my career in the Legion. Positions open up as older guards retire. I think being here at the palace is worth an extra year. I can worry about the lifetime appointment later.

The other thing I learned is that something I already suspected is a universal constant. Admin types love to hear themselves talk.

I spent the morning dealing with the military side of being a guard. This mostly involved sitting in a makeshift briefing room in the barracks while some lieutenants and staff NCOs droned on about contract extensions, grooming standards, and duty schedules among other things. It dragged on for nearly 4 hours.

I can summarize in a few sentences. I'll be on the day shift working from 6:00 in the morning to 6:00 in the evening. The duty schedule goes 4 days on, 2 days off. My coat dye can't look faded or smudged when I report for duty, but I have to maintain it at my own expense. I already covered the contract extensions.

After the slow and agonizing death by lecture, Sgt. Scud Runner showed up to take me to the supply warehouse for my armor issue. Let's just say I'm glad I took the advice of those night guards who helped me move and kept my rental cart for an extra day. Once the supply ponies had my sizes, they gave me 2 sets of Royal Guard armor plus a fancier set for ceremonies and formal events. I couldn't have carried it all back to my room without a cart.

Sgt. Scud showed up again as I was finishing lunch. The afternoon briefing session would be inside the palace itself. For the first time since I arrived in Canterlot, I finally got to see where I would be working. I've only been to the palace once before. My grandfather brought me here shortly after he retired, but I was little more than a foal back then. Needless to say, it's just as impressive now as it was back then.

As if to punish me for my improved mood, the afternoon briefing was another 4 hours of misery listening to mid-level palace staff talking about what basically amounted to common sense. I find it borderline insulting that they seem to think I couldn't figure out most of this stuff on my own. I only took two useful things out of that staff meeting room.

The first was a roughly 10-minute lesson on how to act around the Princesses given by one of the stewards. Except for me, he was easily younger than everyone else in the room and looked almost out of place. The lesson covered the basics like how to approach and address them officially. It was short, sweet, and to the point. That's the surest sign of something important being said. Then, he threw the proverbial curve ball. Palace staff, including the guards, are only required to stand on ceremony with the Princesses in the throne room or while on official business. Apparently, it's not uncommon for a Princess to drop in on a cook, groundskeeper, chambermare, or off-duty guard and strike up a friendly conversation.

The second was a map of the palace, so I wouldn't get lost.

All told, there is one thing that makes sitting through hours of briefings better than running between admin offices. I got it over with in one day.

Chapter 2: Initiation

The Horror:

When you're on guard duty, a boring day is a good day. Boring means that nothing significant happened during the entire shift. No powerful, ancient lords of chaos broke out of their stone prisons to turn the sky green. No swarms of changelings showed up to usurp the throne of Equestria. Most importantly, nothing happened near my post that I had to deal with.

In a shocking twist of fate, I wound up in Sgt. Scud Runner's squad. He started me off with an easy post just so I could get used to the schedule and turnover procedures. Since there weren't any events scheduled all week, this meant four boring days watching the unused banquet hall entrance. At least I had a good view of the gardens.

I was almost done with my first duty rotation. One of the night guards came to relieve me shortly after sunset. All I had to do was get back to the barracks, drop off my armor, and take a quick shower. Then, I would be free to explore the Canterlot nightlife as much as I wanted without having to worry about guard duty in the morning.

To my great misfortune, things decided to get interesting about halfway through my trip.

I feel it is appropriate at this point to provide a brief account of the Royal Canterlot Voice. From a distance, an observer would accurately describe it as loud. It is indeed very loud, but that is inadequate for the purpose of fully portraying what happens to ponies who find themselves subjected to it at point-blank range. When magically amplified, a Princess's voice seems to echo inside the mind of her hapless listener. It also seems that passing through the ears is entirely optional, as covering them has absolutely no effect toward lowering the headache-inducing volume.

I mention this because my lazy trot back to the barracks was interrupted in such a manner by a very frantic looking Princess Luna.

While attempting to endure the verbal onslaught in the most dignified manner possible while clamping my hooves over my head, I managed to figure out what the Night Princess wanted. She had a message for Princess Celestia, and she wanted me to deliver it. At some point during her tirade, she passed me a large yellow envelope with red stamps all over it saying things like, “SUPER DUPER TOP SECRET:  FOR ROYAL EYES ONLY,” and, “URGENT:  TO BE DELIVERED IMMEDIATELY.” I tucked it into my armor and bolted for the palace as soon as the migraine subsided.

I got as far as the atrium inside the main palace entrance before I realized I had no idea where to find Princess Celestia right after sunset. I had to flag down another guard who was nice enough to inform me that her highness had retired to her private chambers and then point me in the right direction.

I took another look at the envelope. It was made abundantly clear at orientation that neither Princess was to be disturbed in her private chambers for anything short of a national emergency. Examples of national emergencies include, but are not limited to:  hostile invasions, escaped avatars of chaos, or psychotic breakdowns of Celestia's prized student, Twilight Sparkle. The punishments for those who violate this rule are said to be so horrible, that condemnation to the deepest, darkest, most desolate depths of Tartarus would seem like a pleasant vacation by comparison. Either way, I was doomed.

Several minutes and a wrong turn later, I found the corridor leading to the royal chambers. I could tell it was the right place because even though it was nighttime, there were two pegasus guards with white coats wearing day guard armor. They could only be the elite guards selected for Princess Celestia's personal escort. Naturally, I was stopped and had to state my business. When I showed them the envelope, the one on the right made a comment about it being my funeral before letting me through. He at least had the decency to look empathetic.

Before me stood the last obstacle to my mission, the giant door to the Princess's private chambers. All I had to do was knock on the door, go in, deliver the message, and get out. Or, I could run to the top of the tower and fly away, and maybe, I could escape Canterlot in one piece. It took every bit of my training to quell that survival instinct and knock on that door. Duty comes before self-preservation.

As soon as I started knocking, the door appeared to open on its own, and the soft, melodic voice of the Solar Diarch invited me in. The sight that greeted me inside was certainly not what I expected. I had hoped she would simply be lounging on one of the many cushions around the room, possibly reading from her private collection of books. I had no such luck. Instead, my intrusion came at the worst possible time, her bath.

As the door shut itself behind me, I could only see the back of her mane. I practically froze in place when she turned around and met my gaze.

A voice in my head said, “I can do things that not even your wildest imagination can dream of.” To make matters worse, that voice sounded a lot like the Princess I stood before. I can only hope it was my imagination playing a mean trick on me. Perhaps it was the combined effect of those deep magenta eyes and the pastel hued mane weighed down by water, outlining the brilliant white face of a goddess smiling serenely in my direction.

I nearly forgot what I was doing there. Wouldn't that be embarrassing?

Fortunately, the hidden pockets inside Royal Guard armor aren't designed to carry large envelopes. Thus, I was jolted back to reality when a corner of said envelope jabbed me in the side.

The fact she had an urgent message seemed to grab the attention of the co-ruler of Equestria as well as distract me from the thoughts that had just gone through my mind. However, I did have to explain that I probably shouldn't read it to her, and I couldn't open it anyway because it was sealed with a spell that only the intended recipient could break. Eventually, she settled for opening it herself but insisted that we, “read it together.” Rather, I would read out loud, and she would follow along. Seeing a possible opportunity to not get banished to the moon, I made a mental not that orders from a Princess override everything.

I don't actually remember walking up next to the royal bath, but it must have happened at some point during the previous exchange. It didn't take much to keep from trying to peek because the next thing I knew, the Princess of the Sun grabbed my head with her magic and pressed her cheek against mine with the missive levitating in front of us.

The scent of bath soaps and shampoos that I would never be able to afford, let alone know where to acquire, flooded my nose. It was hypnotic and soothing in ways I never thought possible. Combined with the proximity to every stallion's colthood fantasy, all of my base instincts threatened to spiral out of control again. One magic ear pull and a prompt from the most powerful pony alive later, I started reading and immediately wished I hadn't agreed to this.

What was written on that page, I will take to my grave. If my face hadn't been dyed white, it would have probably been the most becoming shade of bright pink imaginable. Banishment to the Moon wouldn't be enough. There would be a dungeon built on the Moon just for me, and I would be tossed into that dungeon upon my banishment.

After what seemed like hours of humiliating torture that most likely only lasted a couple minutes, I finished reading the “message”. When the Princess released me from her magical hold, I overbalanced and staggered a few feet away. I expected the worst, but all she did was ask me my name.

For the record, my name is Raincloud, and I am a corporal of the Royal Guard, so whatever anypony says, I did NOT forget my name. I just found myself temporarily unable to speak or form any sort of coherent thought whatsoever.

I must have some good karma saved up from a previous life, because the Princess just smiled and dismissed me before I could further embarrass myself. As I made my way to the door, I thought I heard giggling but did my best to ignore it.

One of the great benefits of being a Royal Guard is that we all look out for each other. No sooner did the door shut behind me then the two elite guards from before dumped two very large buckets of water on me.

It was freezing cold.

It was a moment of clarity the likes of which are rarely experienced by anyone, and even though I should have been out on the town drinking myself stupid...

It was exactly what I needed.

Reflection:

It took me hours to fall asleep after what happened last night. My mind kept going over the events in an uncomfortable level of detail, and I just wound up staring out the window. It wasn't completely unproductive, however. Once I wrote everything down, hindsight kicked in to show me things I hadn't noticed in my panicked state at the time.

First, Princess Luna shouldn't have had to wait outside for a passing guard to deliver a message. If rumors are to be believed, she can communicate magically with her sister. Besides, if it was truly urgent, there were plenty of on-duty guards patrolling inside the palace between her office and Celestia's chambers. She had to have been waiting for me specifically.

Second, the elite guards let me through far too easily. I just showed them the envelope, and they waved me through without a second glance.

Third, Princess Celestia seemed almost carefree at having her private bath interrupted. It was as if she was expecting somepony with a message, and she already had some idea of what that message was. Why else would she insist that a guard in his first week on the job read aloud what was supposedly top secret information. I'm still not going to talk about what it said, though.

Finally, the elite guards were there with buckets of water as soon as I was dismissed. There is no way they could have known what went on in there if they weren't in on it. Not to mention, they were laughing like maniacs while I just stood there dripping.

Now that I think about it, it had to have been a setup. Perhaps it was just some mean-spirited fun at the expense of the new guy. The other guards are throwing a little welcoming party in the common area behind the barracks this afternoon. I'll see if I can get them to confess. Looking at it that way, I can see the humor in it. I mean, I doubt the rulers of Equestria make a habit out of seducing their guards or anything like that. Not that I'd be opposed to...

Aftermath:

I fucking knew it.

Not only was the whole thing one big prank, they've been doing this for a while now. Apparently every new guard goes through this “initiation”, which happens roughly every month. All but the oldest guards spoke of similar experiences at the end of their first duty rotations. I didn't even have to ask either. I guess the shared ordeal helped to build camaraderie, and some of their stories were even funnier than mine.

Examples of some of their “missives” included random doodles, complete gibberish, blank sheets of paper, poetry, and pages from novels of various genres. Sgt. Scud Runner had the lyrics to a popular song, which he was then asked perform his own rendition of.

Not everyone made it that far, though. At some point in between fits of roaring laughter, the mastermind of this little rite of passage showed up and pointed out some of the guards who forgot about their deliveries upon entering her chambers and one who even got lost trying to find his way there.

She also knew my name somehow. Last night was the first time I had met either Princess, so I hadn't yet introduced myself properly. It's somewhat unnerving, but I probably shouldn't over-think it.

I finally got the names of the night guards who helped me move, too. Corporals Polar Night and Stargazer got here just a few months ago. They seemed happy at the prospect of free drinks.

Even after only a week, I can tell the Royal Guard division is a tight-knit group. For the first time since I joined the Legion, I feel like I belong somewhere.

Chapter 3: Very Important Guest

Doing Things Differently:

When serving in the military, soldiers must accept that from time to time, they will receive orders that do not make any sense whatsoever. In most places, this is usually because the one giving the orders has been yelling and has reached the point where the noise has ceased to form coherent words and sentences. This is mitigated by the fact that the one being yelled at is probably not paying attention anyway and is merely replying, “Yes sir,” as necessary in order to stop the assault on their eardrums. Afterward, the latter walks out wondering just what the hell they were ordered to do while the former wonders why they just can't seem to get through to their subordinates. Thus, the cycle repeats.

For those of us in the Royal Guard in Canterlot, this never comes up. There's a certain level of professional respect that comes about when everyone here has been selected from a list of recommendations from units posted all around Equestria and detachments at various embassies. The exact criteria for selection are known only to the Princesses and Captain Shining Armor, but no one ever comes to Canterlot straight from basic training.

However, we are not exempt from receiving nonsensical orders. It is entirely possible for an order to make no logical sense despite being spoken or written in perfect Equestrian. Such orders, unfortunately, have a disturbing tendency to send logic and common sense on holiday.

And it always seems to happen right before my days off.

The first sign of trouble came during the morning briefing before the day shift started. At the time, it seemed innocuous, since it was mostly aimed at the guards posted at the main gate. Even though the Princesses only hold open court twice a month, there can be appointments, summons, or the occasional tour group. Today, they were expecting Princess Celestia's prized protege, Twilight Sparkle, and delivery of two crates of bananas.

While the banana delivery did appear somewhat odd, I paid little mind as I had been patrolling the library with Sgt. Scud Runner all week. Then, the captain informed us that there would be another guest, and one of the two of us would escort him to the throne room when he came out of the library. Also, this guest wouldn't be a pony.

It wasn't until after we were dismissed to relieve the night watch that questions started playing in my head. Why would the library patrol be concerned about a guest if the main gate guards aren't? The library isn't even connected to the palace. What would he look like? There are plenty of non-ponies even here in Canterlot. How am I supposed to know when he arrives?

My ever-helpful counterpart recommended I simply try not to think about it, but I couldn't help it.

It made my head hurt.

His “I told you so” did not improve matters.

Upon reaching our patrol area, I decided to check and see if there were any non-ponies already inside. My mind desperately wanted to hold onto its logic, and if this whatever it was wasn't there, perhaps we would see him enter the library and then escort him when he was ready to leave.

Sadly, there were only ponies inside when I looked, and all of the other visitors throughout the day were ponies as well. Again, Sgt. Scud insisted that I not dwell on it, and again, I ignored him.

Near the end of our shift, a unicorn mare came up and introduced herself as Twilight Sparkle. I remembered her name from this morning, but I'd never met Celestia's student before. She wanted to inquire if the mysterious guest had showed up. After confirming that we had seen neither hide nor hair of him, she pulled out a small scroll and made a quick scratch on it with her quill.

I stole a glance at the parchment as she did so. It appeared to be a checklist titled, “What to do if Princess Celestia's friend is late.” She crossed out the entry labeled, “Pester the guards,” before rolling it back up and proceeding into the library.

Barely 5 minutes later, she emerged from the library with a very satisfied look on her face. Accompanying her was something I can only describe as an overgrown, ambulatory sack of potatoes. Apparently, this was who we were supposed to escort back to the palace.

I stared at the creature incredulously. I'm not the best guard in Canterlot, but I definitely would have noticed if an orangutan had wandered into the library.

It 'oook'ed at me.

Against my better judgment, I volunteered to escort the pair of them to the throne room in the palace. I really only wanted to swing by the guards' infirmary to get something to make the headache go away.

Miss Sparkle provided helpful distraction on the way with small talk. She had first met Celestia's friend (I never heard if he had a name) shortly after she became the student of the Princess. Today marks his first visit since then.

Eventually, we made our way to the grand foyer outside the throne room. Prince Blueblood paced back and forth outside the doors muttering about being denied entry despite his title. The instant he noticed our approach, he shrieked something about “filthy monkeys” being allowed inside the palace before storming off.

At that, the doors swung wide open, revealing the ever-radiant visage of the Princess of the Sun, who was delighted to see her student and friend once more.

I must have looked as bad as my head felt, because I was quickly dismissed to the infirmary.

It was the most sensible order I've gotten all day.

Comeuppance:

No thanks to the generic pain medication I got from the infirmary, I didn't get a wink of sleep last night. The headache was a stubborn one, and I spent most of the night staring at the back of my eyelids. My brain conspired to further thwart my efforts at falling asleep by trying to figure out just what that ape would be up to with Princess Celestia and her student at that hour.

It is to my great relief that I have today and tomorrow off, as I don't believe I would have been fit for duty this morning due to sleep deprivation. Even though it is barely past lunch time, I will likely sleep the entire afternoon just to make up for what I lost.

In any case, I decided around 3:00 am to try my luck with the night medic at the infirmary to see if I could acquire something stronger than what you can buy off the shelf at a pharmacy. The magic words seemed to be, “I won't be on duty,” because as soon as I said it, I was given a tiny pill that promised to knock me the hell out within 5 minutes. That's good enough for me.

On my way out towards what I hoped would be sweet, restful slumber, I heard a commotion from the corridor leading to the throne room. I really didn't want to care about it. There were plenty of night guards on duty to handle it on their own, but my curiosity went and roped duty into the mix. I was there, and I might be able to help whether I'm on duty or off. Something about 'constant vigilance' or whatever.

The sight that greeted me in the throne room was shocked me to no end. Tied up in the rafters dangled none other than Prince Blueblood whose face bespoke fear, embarrassment, and seething anger. He was shouting rather incoherently at a gray pegasus hovering nearby. I thought she was Ditzy Doo, an odd job mare on the maintenance crew, mainly due to her eyes pointing in different directions. Although, she does sometimes go by Derpy; maybe she has a twin sister. The few times I've spoken with her, she seemed too smart to get confused about her name. Scattered all around the room, stood at least a couple dozen night and day guards staring, pointing, and generally rubbernecking.

I'm at a loss for how all these off-duty guards got here so quickly. I can't think of a way for word to make it out of the palace in the middle of the night in the time it took me to get a sleeping pill. I guess rubberneckers just know where to be when there's something to stare at.

Oddly, despite the protests of one individual, no one was doing anything helpful. Guards were just idly chatting among themselves and snickering behind their hooves. Ditzy/Derpy looked to be making faces at the hapless Prince. I joined a small group of gawkers to find out what was going on.

To make a long story short, Princess Celestia invited her student and her friends to the Grand Galloping Gala about a year and a half ago. One of the mares had attempted to begin a courtship with the boorish Prince. Rather than let her down easily, his response was to string her along for the entire night. In the process, he managed to deeply insult not only the mare in question, but also another one of Twilight's friends.

The regent's behavior that night caused him to lose favour with his aunt, Princess Celestia (I hope it was by adoption), and it was decreed that so long as his life is not in danger, guards and palace staff have free reign to ignore his demands as they please. The general consensus of the room said that the rafters were structurally sound, and the rope holding him in place was strong enough and tied securely enough that he was in no danger of falling. Therefore, we weren't obligated to do anything.

I guess all the noise echoing around the palace attracted the attention of the aforementioned Princess, because she suddenly cleared her throat to get the attention of everypony in the room.

The following is my best recollection of the dialogue and events at that point.

“What are you all doing here causing such a racket at this hour?”

“Auntie! These ponies refuse to perform their duties!”

“Is that's so?” inquired the regal alicorn, raising a skeptical eyebrow.

One of the guards piped up, “He's not in any danger.”

“Besides,” another contributed, “he's perfectly capable of teleporting himself down.”

A chorus of agreement followed from the rest of us. The maintenance pegasus caught the Princess's eye smiling and waving enthusiastically. At this Celestia's face softened before assuming a slightly mischievous grin.

“Well, Derpy here seems to agree with the guards' assessment. Perhaps you could enlighten us on how you found yourself in your current predicament?”

“One of the monkeys in the garden escaped and did this!” Blueblood's yelling wasn't winning any sympathy points.

“Really, did anyone see any animals escaping from the gardens?”

No one did.

“Hmm, did anyone see any monkeys in the palace?”

Another rousing bout of, 'No's.

Before any other questions were asked, the bound up unicorn interrupted, “What about him? It was there with him outside the throne room last night.”

I suddenly noticed many pairs of eyes falling on me. Thinking I should probably respond to this accusation I realized he could only mean the guest I had escorted to the palace yesterday evening.

I defended myself, “That wasn't a monkey. He was an orangutan, a kind of ape, and an invited guest of the Princess at that.”

The 'invited guest' part went ignored, “An ape!? What in Equestria is the difference?”

“Monkeys have tails,” I replied flatly. This earned me a couple of odd looks and a few nods of agreement.

A gentle voice rescued me from further interrogation, “Honestly my dear nephew, you should have learned that in magic kindergarten. Do I have to send you back there?”

Several unicorns shuddered at the thought. From what I heard, I don't blame them.

“No! No! Anything but that!”

“Well then," declared the Princess of the Sun, taking a sterner tone, "here is what will happen. Since you are not presently in any danger, you may extricate yourself from those bindings at your leisure. Alternatively, you may wait until sunrise, and I will deal with you as I see fit,” she held up a hoof to forestall any objections from a certain somepony. “The rest of you who are not currently on duty, please return to your own activities outside the palace.”

And that was that. As a bonus, my headache subsided considerably during that little diversion.

There's a lesson in all of this. It is unwise to mistreat anyone in the palace. Even a few of the aristocrats have figured this out. The Princesses know the names and life stories of all but the newest guards and staff members in the palace from Captain Shining Armor all the way down to the janitors who clean the bathrooms. After only a couple months, they have most of mine already. They also have friends and contacts all over Equestria and beyond. The point is, to insult or mistreat any of these individuals is to cross the Royal Pony Sisters themselves. It's generally well-advised to stay on their good side.

That's enough from me. I'm off to have another go at sleeping off what's left of this headache.

AN: The Librarian comes from the Discworld series of novels by Terry Pratchett. You should read them if your non-pony reading list is running low.

Chapter 4: Crime and Punishment

On Edge:

Doing nothing is highly underrated. Many of my colleagues insist on filling every waking moment of their downtime with some form of activity. It could be bar crawling, chasing mares, or playing pickup games of hoofball in the exercise yard as long as they're doing something. I enjoy all those things as much as the next pony, but sometimes I prefer to take advantage of the fact that there is nothing requiring my attention. No one needs me for anything. I can simply lie down for a nap in a shaded tree or perch myself on a low hanging cloud when the weather teams will allow it.

Since I had the day off, I was enjoying the afternoon in just such a manner when it happened.

I felt a sudden shock run down my spine that felt similar the jolt a pegasus might feel when they bounce on a storm cloud the wrong way. I know this from experience because despite the fact my name is Raincloud, my talent actually has nothing to do with weather control. My cutie mark is actually a magnifying glass, but I digress. I could feel the hairs in my coat standing on end, and my wings reflexively unfurled halfway, ready to spring into action in a split-second.

As I glanced around, I noticed everypony else in the area had a similar reaction. Whatever had affected me also affected them. This might have been serious trouble, but the sensation dissipated as quickly as it had hit.

I'm having trouble falling asleep tonight. Something just feels wrong right now, but for the life of me, I can't figure out what or why. I flagged down Cpl. Polar Night as he was going on duty. I figured a unicorn might better understand what happened, but all he knew was that it was a disturbance in the ambient magic of Equestria.

This doesn't bode well for going on duty tomorrow. It's bad enough that open court is scheduled, and I'm on the roster for main gate duty. I imagine all of Canterlot and then some will be clamoring for answers about this.

Murder Most Foul:

I have never been so happy to be done with a day as I am right now. Be cautious when someone claims to bear good news and bad news. Invariably, the good news is meant to lull you into a false sense of security so that the bad news can then crush all your hopes and dreams.

Case in point, this morning's briefing opened with just such a proclamation from Captain Shining Armor. The good news was that today's open court was canceled. The bad news was that those of us at the main gate had to explain to a growing crowd of petitioners why it was canceled. I shouldn't have to elaborate on what happens when a pony too stuck up to see past the end of their own muzzle gets told something they don't want to hear. I just spent all day dealing with those who have no qualms about shooting the messenger.

The 'official' reason simply stated that there was an emergency that required the Princesses' immediate and full attention. It wasn't a lie, strictly speaking, but it definitely wasn't the whole story.

As it turns out, yesterday's little magical disturbance was kind of a Big Deal. There is only one possible reason for such a disturbance to affect all ponies and not just the few unicorns who have attuned themselves to such things. Somewhere, the life of an sapient, Equestrian-born creature had been deliberately taken. In laypony's terms, somepony was murdered.

Although it hasn't actually happened in living memory, all unicorns in the Legion are trained to track these disturbances to their source and apprehend the killer almost immediately. Then, the suspect would be taken to the nearest post for due process. Normally, this wouldn't involve the Princesses, but that's where things get unusual. No one could find a source for yesterday's disturbance.

Since there was no traceable source, everything escalated to the highest level. The Princesses got involved and set up a magic ritual in the throne room to contact the soul of the victim. There aren't many more details than that available.

The ritual itself takes 24 hours, and was already underway when the day guards showed up this morning. Everyone was dismissed from the throne room, and the doors were barred shut from the inside.

For obvious reasons, holding open court is impossible in such a scenario.

I have no idea what is going on, but they're still at it even as I write this entry. I have a feeling the next three days will be anything but business as usual.

Business as Usual:

After the events of the past two days, I was expecting something a little less normal. I'm almost disappointed.

Luckily, our little group posted at the main gate had something else to distract ourselves. There were several ponies who were somewhat peeved about yesterday. However, open court was canceled, not postponed, so no one gets inside the palace without an appointment or summons.

Some of them were particularly rude, and Sgt. Scud Runner thought it would be a good training exercise to come up with new and creative ways of politely telling somepony to shove off. We made a game out of it with bonus points for sarcasm and verbosity. The winning entry went something like, “My deepest apologies sir, but yesterday's court was canceled due to unforeseeable circumstances. Regretfully, the Princesses have too many prior commitments to reschedule before the next court day. If you wish to make an appointment, the secretary will be more than happy to assist you with the appropriate paperwork. We sincerely apologize for the inconvenience.”

I couldn't come up with anything quite so grand, but the game kept morale up.

Tomorrow sounds like things will get interesting, though. Rumors are floating around the chow hall that an entire wing of guest rooms has been locked down, and several rooms are being prepared in another.

Packed House:

Royal guards need to be ready for anything, even last-second roster changes. Some enterprising lieutenant realized that since there was no open court, and one of the guest wings was on lockdown, they could afford to move one of the extra guards from the main gate to that guest wing. They really must have been stretching that university-educated intellect required of all officers.

Lo and behold, that one extra guard turned out to be none other than yours truly. No one other than the Princesses and their elite guards could enter or leave that wing without escort, not even the cleaning staff.

The morning went smoothly enough. Only Princess Celestia and her personal guards showed up, and they went into one of the rooms. There was some commotion after they went in, but as far as I could tell, it didn't go beyond yelling and harsh words. On their way out, one of the solar guards pulled me aside to clue me in on what was going on.

It is a well-known fact that Canterlot Palace has a dungeon. However, it is less known that after more than a century of disuse, the staff and guards started using it as a big storage/break room. Suffice to say, it is in no condition to house prisoners.

It turns out that by performing that big, elaborate ritual two days ago, the Princesses were able to track down and capture the mysterious killer. The reason no unicorns could figure out where the murder occurred was because it happened in some kind of parallel world. The prisoner is a denizen of that world and has been brought here to face justice for his crime. It only makes sense to keep an alien from another world isolated to avoid causing a panic amongst the palace staff.

The afternoon went quite differently. To help deal with the alien, the bearers of the Elements of Harmony were summoned from Ponyville along with one of Equestria's leading experts on foreign cultures. They had arrived very early and spent the morning settling into their guest rooms. Their first meeting was set for this afternoon.

As promised, the seven mares approached my post at the quarantined corridor accompanied by the same two guards that had brought the Princess earlier. There's no need to describe the Element bearers. After they saved Equestria for the second time, somepony realized it might be a good idea for the rest of the land to know the names and appearances of the greatest heroines of our generation and published a photo in every newspaper in print. The seventh member of their group, the expert on non-equine culture, was a pony I didn't recognize. She was a mint-green coloured unicorn with a white stripe running through her mane and tail and had a lyre for a cutie mark.

She also had a very unsettling expression on her face which her companions shared to various degrees. Maybe it's just me, but I don't think someone about to lock themselves in a room with a murderer, and an alien at that, should look so excited at the prospect. Besides, I know the guest rooms aren't small by any means, but I doubt ten ponies would be very comfortable in one at the same time, let alone nine ponies and a whatever it is they have locked in there.

It only piqued my curiosity more when, as they passed, one of their escort guards slipped me a note before all nine of them disappeared into the room. It said, “Whatever happens, no matter what you hear, do not attempt to open the door.”

Not even an hour later, I really wanted to open that door. The noises I heard coming from the room ranged from shrieks of absolute terror to raucous laughter and nearly everything in between. But I remembered my orders and stayed at my post. If Princess Celestia's elite guards couldn't handle it, I doubt I'd be of any use.

Whatever they were doing lasted long enough for the regular guards to change shifts. I had no complaints. By then, I had managed to tune out the noise, and I was bored out of my skull standing there staring down an empty corridor with nopony to talk to. I was even more relieved to see that my replacements were none other than Corporals Polar Night and Stargazer. Princess Luna's night watch already has a reputation for gathering most of the information floating around the chow hall rumor mill. These two, however, have raised it to a high art form. I'm willing to bet they're the best source of information about the goings-on inside the palace after the Princesses themselves.

It means that tomorrow, I might get some answers. After that, it's somepony else's problem.

Now That's Just Bad Luck:

I don't know how they did it, but those two unicorns came through beautifully on learning more about the situation surrounding our alien prisoner. There are still more questions than answers, but I've already learned that that way lies madness and migraines.

Fortunately for me, I was far off in the Gryphon Territories when Discord broke out of his statue, but not everything he did while free was undone when he was defeated again. Somehow, a rock had become sapient during this time, under the ministrations of a corrupted Element bearer no less. After the whole Discord fiasco ended, the rock had been moved to the edge of the Everfree Forest.

I've heard all the stories about creatures entering the Everfree and vanishing without a trace. Some ponies attribute this to various unnatural characteristics of the forest itself. I always found it easier to chalk it up to the monsters who call the place home. In either case, everyone knows it's a bad idea to venture into that place, but now I'm not so sure. A rock shouldn't be of any interest to a monster no matter how terrible it might be.

Regardless of how it happened, this rock wound up in a quarry in the alien's home dimension. I can only guess that a quarry must be the alien equivalent of a rock farm, because that's where it was 'killed'. The alien had apparently fed it into a machine called a rock crusher. I have no idea what such a machine would look like or how it would work, but there's not much room for interpretation about what it does.

I'm still baffled as to how the untimely demise of a sapient rock could cause the magical disturbance felt all over Equestria four days ago. At least today, I had Sgt. Scud Runner to keep me company while guarding the hallway. We could distract each other from the sounds emanating from the guest room where Professor Lyra (I overheard Twilight Sparkle talking to her), the Element bearers, and their two guards were entertaining our alien guest. We still have no idea what it looks like.

We passed the time idly speculating on what manner of unspeakable torture they were inflicting upon the hapless prisoner based on the sounds coming through the door. I honestly don't think he deserves to be punished, though. Seriously, how is one supposed to know if a rock is intelligent, and that crushing it would constitute murder?

Oh well, it's my weekend now, and I get throne room duty this time around. Maybe I can ask one of the Princesses about it if I get the chance. They are, after all, the ones who ordered all of this.

Three Days Later:

Throne room duty can be the most or least stressful post in the palace depending on one's perspective. On one hoof, you have to polish the armor you'll be wearing to absolute perfection. On the other, all you really have to do is stand around and either look pretty or intimidating as necessary. Of course, that's just for normal days where it's just the Princesses, advisers, orderlies, and various nobles going through the day-to-day business of running a country. Today was not one of those days.

I thought they would finish the whole “alien murdered a sapient Equestrian rock” thing during my days off, but that's what I get for thinking things would be simple. It was still an intelligent being, and the alien had purposely fed it into a crusher even if he didn't know it was alive and could feel pain. Murder is murder, and the balance of magic requires that he be punished for it, or so said the Goddess of the Sun after it was all over.

It started after lunch when everyone in the throne room but the guards was dismissed for the day. Then, Princess Celestia conjured a summoning circle in the open floor, and the alien materialized in its center.

This was the first time I'd ever seen him myself, and if the voice was any indication, it was definitely a 'he'. He looked like one of the naked apes they put to work on tropical fruit farms. They're not sapient by any standards, but they're smart enough to be trained, and their soft hands and fingers make it easier to handle ripe fruit without bruising. There have been successful experiments in training them for roles in physical therapy, but it's prohibitively expensive to care for them outside of their natural habitat in the tropics, so only those who can afford it will travel south to get such treatments. It's still quite jarring to see one wearing a very nice looking suit and talking like a pony.

Once the requisite pleasantries had been exchanged, the seven mares who had dealt with him for the past four days emerged from an antechamber not far from where I stood. The Princess regarded them warmly before the proceedings began.

The time had come to send him home. Keeping him here any longer would run the risk of a temporal displacement in his home world. In other words, the rest of his kind would notice his absence. There was just one problem. He didn't want to go home. It is beyond me why someone would wish to abandon his home like that, but sure enough, he flat out said he wanted to stay in Equestria.

I've seen it before during diplomatic negotiations and dispute settlements between nobles, but I will never get used to that smile Celestia wears when someone walks right into her trap. It's almost scary to think about it. The punishment for murder is banishment for life, but it isn't really a punishment if the one being banished wants to leave. Whatever was going on in that room had convinced this alien to want to stay. It was all planned out from the start.

At the alien's request to stay, I overheard Pinkie Pie remark about the success of something called Operation: Conspiracy to Commit Friendship. I wish I could make something like that up.

If anyone else heard the remark, they ignored it. Her Highness asked if he was certain about his wish to become a citizen of Equestria, and he said, “Yes.” With that same smile she had before, Princess Celestia administered the oath of fealty to the alien.

Once he was sworn into citizenship, the matter of his murder conviction had to be addressed. Despite the circumstances, the banishment could not be commuted, and was carried out immediately. A few of the Element bearers seemed a little upset about this, but Her Majesty assured them it was all necessary, and that he would wake up in his own bed thinking this whole thing was nothing more than a dream.

After recovering from what they had just witnessed, Twilight Sparkle, and Professor Lyra asked the Princess if she would bring another one over so they learn more about the alien's culture. Pinkie Pie wanted to throw more alien parties.

If the Royal Sisters decide to grant that request, I want nothing to do with it. I'm just happy to go back to what passes for normal around here.

Assorted Musings, General Rambling, and Minor Occurrences

Uncharacteristic Behavior:

I think I'm beginning to understand why Princess Celestia made Shining Armor Captain of the Royal Guard despite his lack of experience. If anything, that lack of experience actually helped him in the selection process because it appears that he never learned how a typical officer behaves.

Look at our morning briefings as an example. Even though I've only been here a few weeks, not once has he showed up even one second late. Anywhere else in the Legion, the commanding officer usually wanders in about 15-20 minutes late on a good day. This is after all the NCOs get everypony together 15 minutes before the staff NCOs want accountability, which is 15 minutes before the junior officers want everypony in formation, which is 15 minutes before whatever is scheduled to happen.

There are other ways he stands out from other officers, such as his apparent immunity to the good idea fairy, but that one example is the most obvious. It's like he saw all the things that officers did that pissed off their subordinates and then decided not to do those things. Or maybe the Princesses have gotten to him. He is, after all, married to one, and his sister is the personal student of another.

A Friendly Chat:

Since my unofficial and subsequent official welcoming into the Royal Guard Division, I've found myself much more relaxed while on duty. The others have started to open up as well, and in less than two weeks on the job, I've already gathered a small cadre of drinking buddies.

That isn't to say we're unprofessional while on post. But once the armor comes off, and our cutie marks are visible again, we're all just like any other pony.

Those aren't my words. Princess Celestia herself provided that little pearl of wisdom when she dropped by for a little chat. I had been warned that she and her sister do this from time to time, but I don't think I could have prepared myself for when it was my turn.

I had just gotten off a particularly stressful shift on garden patrol, where I spent the better part of the day helping the groundskeepers round up a mischievous bunch of rabbits and squirrels that were tormenting everypony visiting the palace grounds. I think I now have a pretty good idea what a pegasus might feel after competing in the 24 Hours of Le Pons. I could barely feel, let alone move, my wings from the exhaustion of chasing down small rodents. If only there were more unicorns on the grounds keeping staff. On my way back to the barracks, I grabbed a to-go bag from the chow hall so I could eat after getting out of my armor.

I found a nice, shady tree under which to enjoy my dinner, and barely a minute after getting comfortable, I heard an unmistakable voice ask if there was room for one more. Given the owner of that voice, there will never be a lack of room for one more, regardless of my opinions on the matter.

It took all of her experience in just that situation to guide the conversation from me trying and failing to talk faster than my brain and tongue would allow to something resembling small talk. It will take a while before I get used to being so informal around the Princesses, but Celestia insists that her guards feel comfortable around her in order to do their job properly.

It put the events of last week into a whole new perspective. If there is a genuine threat to Equestria, it probably would not be polite enough to wait for a less awkward time for the guards to inform the Royal Sisters. As such, a guard shouldn't be hesitant to interrupt whatever the Princesses are doing if the message is truly important. Maybe there's something more to what I first thought was a mere hazing ritual, or maybe I'm just rationalizing things again.

Besides, after his 'initiation', each guard gets to choose what will the message will be for another new guard later on. Let's just say that some poor colt will be giving Princess Celestia a dramatic reading of a very steamy scene of a very trashy romance novel. And when I find out who came up with mine...

A Blueberry Muffin:

I woke up in a very foul mood this morning. What made it even worse was the fact that I had no idea why I was in such a state. Any attempts to figure out the reason only resulted in fueling the fire of anger and frustration. It bears mentioning that the nobles of Canterlot are quite fortunate that I am a pegasus and not a unicorn or some of them might have gotten new mane styles while I headed to the palace for duty.

At least I could take solace in the fact that I would be down in the kitchens, away from the aristocrats. Now that I think about it, I'm not quite sure why the kitchens need guards. I've heard some ponies argue that it keeps the Princesses from taking too many sweets, but one would think that a pair of demigoddesses would be able to outwit a guard or two.

There is an advantage to being down there, though. Swearing contests with the chefs can be incredible stress relievers, and I needed one badly when I went on post. In the palace, the kitchens have a reputation for weapons-grade cursing comparable only to the guard barracks.

Upon arrival at my designated post, I noted with more than a little disappointment a distinct lack of frayed nerves and ill tempers. In fact, everypony down there seemed to be smiling, and I thought for a moment that I had gone to the wrong place. However, a quick glance at the various stoves and other cookware disabused me of that notion.

I backed out of the room ready to sound the alarm that the royal chefs had been replaced by impostors when that gray-coated, blonde-maned, googly-eyed pegasus who either has a twin sister or changes her name from one hour to the next appeared. She had a tray of muffins.

I wanted to refuse. I really did, but I was powerless against her, and they were blueberry muffins. I was hoping for a morning of inventing new obscenities with the kitchen staff, but suddenly all my anger and frustration at not knowing why I was angry and frustrated started crumbling away much like the crumbs of my impromptu breakfast.

Leave it to a mare to ruin a perfectly good bad mood.

Looking the Other Way:

It's the night before Hearth's Warming, and I pulled library patrol. Since the days are shorter in winter, it's already dark out by the time the guards change shift. It's also cold enough that I'm seriously considering going on leave. The birds that fly south for the season have the right idea. I hear Equudor is nice this time of year.

Apparently, Twilight Sparkle is in town again, because I saw her sneaking around near the path from the palace. I say she was sneaking because of the ridiculous black full-body suit she was wearing in her pathetic attempts to hide in the shadows. Does she not realize it's perfectly legal to be walking around Canterlot at night? More importantly, if the stories from the night guards are to be believed, this isn't the first time she's done this. Shouldn't she have figured this out before, then?

Regardless, I paid her no mind. As Princess Celestia's prized pupil, she is allowed to go almost anywhere in the palace or on the grounds at any time she pleases. Not even the most restricted archives in the royal library are off limits.

Maybe she forgot that little detail during her stay in Ponyville, and no one reminded her. In any case, I let Corporal Stargazer know she was there when he showed up to relieve me for the night. She's his problem now.