Millennium Tokens

by Ice Star

Rating: teen
Tags: Rarity, Discord, Princess Celestia, Sex, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Romance, Comedy
Length: 11411

Twilight investigates the mystery of something Princess Celestia calls 'millennium tokens' and finds out a fun secret.

Twilight investigates the mystery of something Princess Celestia calls 'millennium tokens' and finds out a fun secret. For once, Princess Celestia needs her help with something! She can't come up with the perfect gift for Discord, and worries she won't be able to surprise the draconequus.

Will Twilight and Rarity be able to help the princess find the perfect gift?

Preread by TCC56. Originally the first chapter was published in a different shortened form in a now-deleted short collection on September 29th, 2016. This story has been revised and expanded. The 'sex' tag is for dialogue and jokes. The cover art was edited by me. Contribute to the TVTropes page!

Published 2023-03-04 15:30:02 UTC
Last updated 2023-04-08 04:40:16 UTC

Chapter 1: Flowers

Millennium tokens were not something that Twilight Sparkle could find in a dictionary or any other reference book. It wasn't something anypony on the streets of any city in Equestria would know of. It was during one of her lunches with Princess Celestia in Canterlot that she heard the term, and she had not heard it anywhere since then. The princess had been having a cup of tea — a new flavor, if Twilight recalled what she was told correctly. Twilight had been having a daisy sandwich without those little fried tomatoes that she liked because Rarity said that they would ruin her figure. Twilight Sparkle wasn't about to argue with her marefriend about sandwiches, and certainly not what her lifestyle did (and always had done) to her figure when the most vigorous regular workout she had was strolling around Ponyville. There just was not an occasion for those things — but apparently, there were very special occasions for millennium tokens.

Twilight had been mulling over how to make her remarkably plain sandwich more appetizing without having to spend extra on that particular day. She realized that while she had been trying to rationalize countless decisions in order to make the perfect sandwich, Celestia had been talking about something that might have been important. Her mind was already rushing to see if she could schedule a proper panic attack after tea in the event she had missed anything.

"Sorry, Prin— Celestia, could you repeat that?" Twilight had said, offering a sheepish smile. She was privately wondering if blaming the sandwich and Rarity's passive-aggressively imposed diet would get her out of this pickle.

Within her mind, Twilight praised herself. Pickles! How had she not thought of that? Those were way better than fried tomatoes and...

...according to the menu, they were not available.

Celestia laughed slightly, always careful to disguise the gesture modestly with a forehoof. Only the noblest of noblemares would laugh the noblemare's laugh so nobly. "Are you sure that I should be the one repeating myself? I'm quite interested in what that sandwich was telling you. It appears to be very valuable to pay attention to. "

Twilight's sheepishness intensified. "Uhh... well... it wasn't anything important or anything, this one uhh... just wanted to know the weather?"

Twilight flashed her best smile. She was completely unaware that her jokes were terrible enough to be considered dangerous to the mental health of young children. What she also did not know was that she had a very noticeable daisy petal caught between her teeth.

...

Celestia had ended up repeating herself, and Twilight listened curiously. What was this madly mysterious 'millennium token' Discord had given the princess? She kept mentioning it by that name through the rest of their meal, never hinting at what it could be. There did not even appear to be a specific occasion for them beyond whimsy — and nothing was more fickle to Twilight Sparkle than whimsy.

This is why Twilight had dragged — well not literally dragged; she had to persuade Rarity to halt her latest project while her marefriend had been in a creative mood. Today was a special day, after all. No matter what the Rules of Rarity dictated, there needed to be an exception clause for holidays. It was all so that she could come to Canterlot to help Twilight figure out the truth of the mysterious tokens, which meant she and Rarity could not stop to take in the reportedly chic atmosphere of that new cafe that had opened. The whole train ride, Rarity had been telling Twilight that it was right on one of the main boulevards of Canterlot. A spot like that was not only a very Rarity place to dine in general, but Rarity made sure to tell her non-stop that it would let her scope out the latest design trends that ponies were wearing.

Only after hearing that conversation for the seventh time did they manage to reach the castle, where Twilight sought Princess Celestia's answer. She and Rarity could debate the most optimal lunch spots like an almost-married couple when they actually needed to eat lunch. What were 'millennium tokens' that Celestia had mentioned? She spoke about them almost casually, but there was nothing written about them anywhere! No archive or library held anything about the important-sounding mystery. Were these tokens some kind of magic artifact? That's where Twilight's thoughts had been straying in the case where she might be needed to study them or even use them to stop another enemy of Equestria.

At the same time, Twilight tried to listen to Rarity's concerns regarding her spring line, which was also important — but never was anything that the fate of the world depended on.

Rarity and she made their way through the halls of the castle which were warm and lit by the late morning sun. Their hooves made no little on the plush and brightly colored carpet of the high-ceilinged corridor.

A sudden sound caught Twilight's attention, causing her to halt. "Rarity! What was that?"

"Twilight, darling, are you so lost in your thoughts that you've forgotten the sound of Princess Celestia's voice?"

Twilight blinked, jaw agape at Rarity. "I what? Oh my goodness, we must be going down the wrong hall too..." She trailed off, pricking her eyes to try and find which all she had heard the princess in. Was it one that they already passed?

"We are."

Twilight sighed and backtracked according to Rarity's direction so they could find the source of Celestia's voice. The goddess' pleasant, almost motherly laughter could be heard echoing through the spacious halls of the castle. Soon, the two mares came to the threshold that gave them a full view of the scene playing out before them.

Standing in a hall with her near-silent secretary, Raven, was Princess Celestia. Her multi-colored mane flowed in the sunlight that she had brought forth at dawn, and she smiled kindly upon a bouquet of flowers unlike Twilight had ever seen.

Each part from petal to stem was a college of different flowers that both Twilight and Rarity knew to grow in Equestria, only they had been picked apart and mushed together somehow, and there wasn't a doubt in her mind about who could have given such an unusually exotic bouquet to her former mentor.

"Discord," Twilight whispered. She never knew exactly what he would be up to — who was to say that those flowers didn't have some kind of catch?

Rarity had not heard what Twilight had said, and was instead thinking of how she might be able to work some of those blooms into a floral trim for the upcoming line Twilight had pulled her away from, after all, everything was still in the drafting stage, and sketching the placement of a few trims here and there wouldn't be a problem.

"So that's what a millennium token is," Twilight concluded. "It's just a token of affection."

"Mm-hm," Rarity chirped next to her, red spectacles still balanced on her muzzle. The lenses caught the reflection of a colorful burst of chaos magic as the draconequus teleported, leaving his lover all alone.

"This... well it's certainly not what I expected," Twilight said, watching as the princess tucked a flower behind her ear.

"You do realize what this means, don't you Twilight?"

"We accidentally wasted time on something silly?" Twilight guessed, propping a forehoof under her muzzle.

"You must give me a millennium's worth of these tokens, starting today." Rarity batted her eyelashes at Twilight, a minxy smile crossing her muzzle as the latter blushed beet-red. "Chop-chop, Twilight, darling."

"But Rarity, you're not even going to live for a millennium!"

"You can at least try, dear."

"How? How in Equestria am I supposed to buy you one thousand years' worth of gifts when you won't make it past three centuries at most? Gah, this doesn't make any sense!"

"Well, I certainly won't be living that long with your negative attitude," Rarity huffed, flipping her mane sharply.

"Twilight! Rarity!" Princess Celestia called as soon as she spotted the two mares, "How good to see you both, would you care to stay for tea? There was something I needed your help with."

Twilight Sparkle gulped sharply. Did another adventure await her?

Millennium tokens
are but little gifts
to build a bridge
to cross time spent apart.

Author's Note

This story has four chapters. As of me typing this [3/4/2023] only one still remains in note form. Expect weekly updates or something close to that.

I've had this lying around in revision for a while. I'm glad to share something short and silly with everyone while I work on getting back into the swing of things.

Chapter 2: Dolls

"Oh," Princess Celestia murmured, "thank you two so much for staying. Now I have somepony to share the fresh air with!" The Alicorn smiled down at the two ponies, her wings folded neatly at her sides in a gesture that matched the politeness of her expression. Her mane flowed uninhibited against the bright blue sky. The shadows of distant airships were distant from their balcony seat, yet still closer than they would have been from the ground.

"Of course, princess!" Twilight said. She nodded enthusiastically while Rarity mirrored the gesture from her seat across from Twilight.

All three mares were situated on the large pillows so commonly used as seats by ponies. The midday breeze was stronger this high up, but Rarity certainly didn't mind. In fact, it gave her the perfect opportunity to sneak glances at how majestically her mane looked when it was tossed about at intervals, mingling with the trails of steam from her tea.

"Whatever did you need our help with?" Rarity asked, her words coming out in between careful sips of her drink. She ignored Twilight's magic letting a sugar cube fall into her own cup and the plop that followed each movement of telekinesis. "Has some diplomatic error occurred? Is Luna not available to stand in for an absence that is requested of you on such dreadfully short notice? Is somepony wearing beige?"

Twilight Sparkle nearly swallowed a sugar cube whole. "Rarity," she whined to her marefriend, "that was only one time!"

"Twilight," Rarity gave a little whispery hiss to her tone, one chock-full of obviously faux anger. "Darling. My dearest love. We may share many things, and many noble commitments — but!"

"But what?" Twilight echoed back, licking a few stray bits of sugar from her lips.

"But! But! One time — one time — is still a crime to the fashion police. And a misdemeanor, if I do say so myself. Surely, such a dreadful thing won't happen again, will it, my dearest heart?"

"No." Twilight's muzzle crinkled as she spoke. "I Pinkie promised it wouldn't, and of course, I'd never break a Pinkie promise."

Rarity giggle-snorted once she set her tea down. Next to her, Princess Celestia permitted herself a soft noblemare's laugh.

"Well," the princess began, "I don't wish to disappoint, but nothing so drastic has happened. And, as I understand it, your Cutie Map didn't summon either of you here?"

Both of the other mares shook their head.

"That's what I thought," Princess Celestia murmured, tapping a hoof along the table's edge momentarily. "I hadn't really given the problem much of a chance to manifest, you see. So it's no wonder that you two weren't summoned and no greater magic was disturbed and alerted you two. My problem concerns yesterday."

"Which is why we were here, darling." Rarity conjured her red glasses, polished the cat's eye frames with a hoofkerchief, and set them neatly upon her muzzle. She peered closely at Princess Celestia. "Canterlot is truly one of the most romantic destinations on both of the Eastern Continents. Twilight's parents prepared such a wonderful lunch for us. Oh, and for dinner, I had such a lovely time with her! Why I simply hadn't realized how little of Restaurant Row I had explored!"

"That it is," said Princess Celestia as she stirred a whorl of cream into her own tea, "and my ponies work hard to make that so. I'm glad you two hadn't come all the way to Canterlot yesterday just to learn about millennium tokens. Hearts and Hooves Day is a poor time to be running errands, and the atmosphere that my city takes on during such important festivities is a gift to everypony who can share in them. I just... missed that chance yesterday."

Rarity gasped sharply, drawing a forehoof to her chest. "Oh, heavens! Whatever could you mean, darling? Has something happened between you and Discord?"

"Is he causing too much chaos?" Twilight Sparkle asked hurriedly. Her ears swiveled to the side and her eyes dilated with sudden panic. "Do I need to get the Elements of Harmony and the rest of the girls?"

The princess gave one long, slow shake of her head in a very firm 'no' before she spoke. "I can promise the both of you that nothing of the sort has happened, that would be even worse than, ah, somepony wearing beige. I'm just... in a bit of a pickle..."

The words of the goddess had grown softer as she spoke, and whatever Rarity heard sent her into sudden distress. Her pupils were pinpricks behind her glasses, which made her look closer to deranged than contemplative.

"SOMEPONY WAS WEARING A PICKLE?!" She gritted her teeth and shuddered. "THERE WAS SOMEPONY ABOUT DRESSED LIKE A PICKLE?! OH PONYFEATHERS! OH, GODS! THAT IS MUCH WORSE THAN BEIGE!"

All Princess Celestia could do was try to keep her tea from spilling as Twilight Sparkle dove from where she sat to pull her marefriend into a calming hug. "No, no. That's not what happened, Rarity. You misheard her. I promise, she said she was in a pickle—"

"Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear," Rarity stammered, "that was about all I heard, and goodness gracious — my mind just went for the worst possible thing, Twilight!"

"Everything is alright," Princess Celestia said, stiffly offering Rarity a pat on the withers that the anxious mare didn't notice. "Normally, I would have written a letter — but I was lucky to see you two yesterday and to have a brief tea with Twilight. Maybe I should have written more in... oh... oh well, I suppose I'll... just... be honest..." Her throat trembled with a visible swallow, and the gesture was slowed by how much strain she put into trying to suppress it. "I couldn't find a proper gift for Dissy yesterday... he thought that the dinner we had was my gift to him but that wasn't my intent, I wanted to get him something, you see..."

"Oh gosh," Twilight gasped, "I'm so, so sorry, Princess Celestia... is there anything we can do to help?"

It was like Twilight had spoken an incantation; her words magicked the princess back into her ever-calm default state. "Oh, Twilight Sparkle, that is what I wanted to talk to you and Rarity about! You see, I'd been struggling to think of the perfect gift for Dissy, one worthy of a millennium. I hadn't had the time to dwell on as many ideas as I would have liked in the days up until yesterday — I'd just been so busy. He got me flowers. He knows how much I love flowers, for any occasion... but I want to be..." she hunched over the table just a bit conspiratorially, and whispered, "I wanted to get him something surprising — he'll never expect it! Not from me!"

"I think," Rarity said, her eyes sparkling with gleeful inspiration behind her glasses and her voice a familiar sing-song, "I might have just the right idea!"

...

"Goodness, no," Princess Celestia said, shaking her head sadly. "I'm afraid that would not be a very interesting gift to Dissy. As uncanny and very much in his spirit as it is, these are the kind of props that provide the same entertainment ponies do for him."

Rarity nodded in understanding, and her magic replaced the ventriloquist dummy. She took extra care to ensure that none of the strings were tangled as she did so. Meanwhile, Twilight stood idly by, watching her marefriend and slurping a hay smoothie loudly. Nearby, Princess Celestia was pretending in an all-too-obvious way that such a borderline toddler-like display of unmannerly conduct was not occurring. A glob of the stuff had even managed to escape the straw and remained as a sloppy smudge on Twilight's cheek.

"Darling?" Rarity called, turning her head around. "Do you have any idea what Discord might like? I'm going to need to think of something if my most obvious answer is ill-fitting towards our chaotic friend."

"Hrm-ulp?" Twilight Sparkle grunted in surprise.

Rarity tsked, the sounding coming out as more of a hissy, quiet exhale than a clear, sharp click. "What I said was—"

Any attempt to make the conversation progress was swiftly ended as Twilight let out a sharp whinny. Her half-chewed straw had jabbed the back of her throat, and the sound was enough to make even the near-perfect emotional mask of Princess Celestia ripple in a wince.

One of them began laughing, a snort growing into something more. Who it was, neither of them could say. But eventually, all three of them were giggling loudly, paying no mind to the soft chatter of other customers in the store. Just a few aisles ago, Rarity had caught sight of a colt with a laugh as gleeful as theirs, but far clearer. It had been evident that his mother was buying him a mark mitzvah present, his puppeteer mark on clear display, and various party goods poking out from under his saddlebags. The only difference in joy was how much clearer his youthful noise had been compared to Rarity, the princess' modest chortling, and her marefriend's own cheer.

"No, no," said Princess Celestia eventually. "These puppets are all lovely, well-made things." To show this, the princess brought one gold-shod hoof up to caress the painted blush of a knightly stallion. "But I just... it's... very difficult to explain. When you have lived as long as Discord and I, there is something too artificial about this art." She bit her lip. "Or maybe it's just me... either way, a puppet is too out of the realm of what brings discord joy. Puppets do not get displeased. They do not give interesting answers to riddles. Puppets have no quarrels that are unplanned. There is no surprise in their eyes or unexpected cues they offer to learn from."

Throughout the time she had been speaking, Twilight Sparkle had been nodding along to the words of Princess Celestia. It was entirely unprompted, as the princess had not asked for such a display of obedience and affirmation. However, Twilight had long grown used to punctuating everything Princess Celestia offered as an explanation with such approving gestures when she wasn't listening to the goddess-teacher with wordless reverence.

Rarity, however, adjusted her red glasses in a thoughtful gesture. Her focus was on a puppet, either scrutinizing the faux alchemist props it carried or seeing past the design — after all, there were few trades in the whole hemisphere more common than alchemists and apothecaries. One saw them as often as teachers, royal guards, weather pegasi, and town criers waving about the editions of the latest papers from whatever cluster of towns that they traveled between. There was little that a puppet depicting the occupation could show that Rarity would not have seen before — even down to the fine embroidery on the edges of the hood that marked this one's divine allegiance as devoted to magic under Princess Luna's domains, peddlers of sleeping potions, means of easing depression, fog-brews to break down night-clouds, and more.

"I see..." she murmured. "I must admit, I was struck by the idea when I was thinking about the stained glass windows in the castle halls. Who is to say that Discord would expect us to get something so harmless and sweet from such a small detail? That was my line of thought."

"And that was extremely inspired of you. Thank you very much, Rarity..." Princess Celestia smiled so big she had to close her eyes. "I imagine if we were shopping for anypony else, this would be the perfect gift. Discord is just... well, himself. I've stuck with flowers and small, normal gifts for so long because he'd been surprised by those at first — you see, he had told me that nopony ever got him such conventional things like flowers and candies until I did. But now I just feel the need to do something more special, maybe even something daring, like getting him—"

"Twilight?" Rarity asked, turning to her marefriend quickly, her eyes shining brightly behind her glasses. "Twilight, dearest, do you happen to have any idea what we could get Discord for a proper present?"

"—an entire set of mismatched socks!" The princess finished with a happy little gasp to her tone. "Think of the novelty of getting an odd number of socks, not a single one matching in pattern, and the length of every one of them being different too. It would be world-shaking in the history of surprise gift-giving; I can't think of a single white elephant event that I have been to since those started that could possibly compare. Oh, and just think — the socks could be extra..." Princess Celestia swayed on her forelegs slightly, "...extra, extra..." Princess Celestia bit her lip, lowering her tone to a near-whisper, the kind used to hide something from foals, "...extra darn cozy," she finished, blushing faintly.

Twilight was able to preserve the remainder of her smoothie from spilling — and catch her marefriend in a magenta glow just before Rarity hit the store's floor as she fainted.

"Oh goodness!" Princess Celestia gasped, "I hadn't meant to be so vulgar!"

Dolls and puppets
are perfect for everypony
but the very god
who plucks at
every imperfection
until that is
all we see.

Chapter 3: Books

"I'm afraid I just don't get it," Rarity said. She tapped a forehoof to her muzzle, and her head was cocked to the side, which let her curls tumble just so. "What is it that makes this something Discord would like?"

Twilight Sparkle stood on the tips of her hooves and gave a delighted little cough in her throat. "Well, you see, it's not just any book—" Here, she held up the stately volume for emphasis, letting the gold-edged pages catch in the light. "—this one is about the Roaman emperor, Incitatus."

"That's certainly a suitable choice," Princess Celestia said with perfect library volume. Though, the hush of her voice was hardly a detraction from how she towered above every shelf in the bookstore or the bulk that her mane and tail presented to the aisles. Nopony would be able to get past her. Everything about her stature presented indicators that this bookshop had not been built with her in mind.

"You think he has a fondness for — ah — Istallion history, darling?" Rarity's expression was one of confused helplessness: one of her ears was swiveled to the side, and one eyebrow was raised in a similar fashion.

"Well... kinda?" Twilight rubbed the back of her head with a forehoof and kept the book levitating next to her. "He's lived through so much history. Didn't you say he was older than you, Princess Celestia?"

The Alicorn nodded. "He is approximately a few centuries older than Luna and I. Discord is very well-traveled, and though he has been to the Western Continents, I don't believe it was when the empire of Roam still stood. He does love Brayzil, though. I know he's seen Arcadia, Neighpon, Saddle Lanka, and Trampylvania. He's told me how he has met the elk, fallow, and axis deer of Cervidaine at least a few times. Incitatus is certainly not a familiar tale to him, and he still knows the Eastern nations better, just as Luna and I do. The history here in the East remembers him better too — the Southern Continent has the nation of Colthuacan, where you met some of the Coltmecs in Tenochtitlan Basin. Their worship of Discord was strong, and uninterrupted even when he was encased in stone."

"I'm... afraid I still don't know why Discord would like this particular book," Rarity said. Her eyes lingered on the cover: it bore the image of a stallion's strong silhouette, with a laurel crowning his head. The book's color was the same rich purple as Rarity's mane and tail.

"Incitatus was crazy!" Twilight piped, earning a glare from another patron a few shelves over that she balked sheepishly at. "He was the third Roaman emperor, after Jove Caesar and his nephew. In fact, Incitatus was a descendant of the latter's granddaughter. Incitatus was driven to obtain as much power as possible, he built lavish projects for himself, and ordered the execution of all the Praetorians who failed to execute him four years into his lengthy reign. He even tried to make his pet chimp a consul! See, crazy! He was an evil, infamous pony — certainly no Bucephalus the Great."

Rarity blinked. "So... you mean to tell me that when we invoke the oath of 'Jove' we are... referring to this lovely family?"

"That is indeed so," said Princess Celestia with a neutral tone that was just as unreadable as her expression had become.

"How... lovely..." Rarity mumbled, wincing with a touch of exaggerated shock. "Perhaps I ought to mind my words more than I do. To think I'd been invoking such ghastly tragedies this whole time."

"Do you think he'll like this book, Princess?" Twilight asked, looking toward the shopping saddlebags that Rarity had gone through the trouble to procure when they entered the shop. It was a necessity when it came to dating Twilight Sparkle.

"I think Discord would like to eat it, Twilight," Princess Celestia admitted, eyes slightly downcast with the weight of undiscernible thoughts, "I'm afraid that he isn't a big reader."

Twilight gulped. "Is... is there any book he won't eat?"

"He generally does not eat books that belong to other ponies," Princess Celestia said.

"Ah-Ahem," Twilight risked her little cough, but shied away from the pointed look she wasn't capable of giving her goddess. Scrunching up her muzzle with the memory of Discord's reformation would have to do.

"I did say 'generally' — and I replaced every one of your lost books when you reported the inventory he consumed to me."

"I'm s-sorry, Princess... I didn't mean to scorn your generosity, it's just the thought of books being eaten—"

"I am well aware of the trouble it causes you, Twilight Sparkle," Princess Celestia said evenly, giving the younger princess a level stare. "I also know how firmly you believe in there being books out there for everypony — even Discord. I appreciate your help very much, but I must let you know, there is no exception in terms of content I can think of that Discord will not consume."

"What about... cookbooks?" Rarity offered weakly.

"Those are apparently some of the most flavorful," chimed Princess Celestia.

Twilight's brow furrowed. "What if we look in a different section of the store?" she said, before lighting her horn and teleporting them to an unoccupied section in a burst of magenta.

When the spell's power faded and the last after-blink of the magic was gone from their eyes, Princess Celestia and Rarity looked at the new titles presented to them.

"Would Discord like poetry?" Twilight suggested. She had replaced the history book before casting the teleportation spell and now held up a new volume. The cover of this book was decorated with an elegant, swirling script and pictures of hot air balloons and pegasi sharing floating tea parties.

Princess Celestia's neutral, placid smile slipped into a typical expression of hers, one marked by blankness that wasn't enough to be confusion, disappointment, or much of anything. It was one that Twilight Sparkle was accustomed to seeing — it was unwavering, ever-polite, and neither patient nor impatient. She had seen it on the face of her goddess every time her teacher waited for her to complete a test before she came to Ponyville.

"Ah, it dawns on me... I'm not entirely sure if Discord knows what poetry is. He might think it's just a fun way to speak, a way to tease and deliver prophecies. I should have mentioned that before we trotted over to this store, shouldn't I?”

"Oh!" Rarity gasped. Her horn was lit with a particularly brilliant blue spike of her magic. "I do think that I might have found something that would suit the literary tastes of Discord splendidly!"

Immediately, Twilight turned to meet her marefriend's gaze. Princess Celestia only offered a single, slow blink and calmly turned to look in Rarity's direction. Of the two of them, Twilight Sparkle was the first to lean over and look at the cover.

"The Dun-Witch Horror?" she read aloud. "I've heard of that before — I've never read it, and I can't think of many ponies that would want to. The author wasn't known for... being a good pony." Twilight accepted the book into her own aura as Rarity passed it to her, and flipped it around to look at the author's portrait on the back depicting a grim-looking earth pony stallion with a long face. He was wearing a dark suit, and in his hooves, he held an adorable cat. "He wasn't exactly known to write anything... especially nice—"

"—about other creatures, or the world they dwelled in. All sorts of nasty monsters and ideas lurk in his imagination," Princess Celestia finished. "I've always felt guilty knowing that my little ponies could enjoy such frightfully weird fiction. Many authors have had their works banned from my nation for incorporating the types of things that this very strange, sad stallion held as convictions in his personal life and other, less fantastical writings."

"And that's why I'm sure Discord would simply adore this book!" Rarity exclaimed. She gave a happy little hop in place, then made a strange, momentary grimace. "Imagine having a coat in as ghastly of a color as dun! Why, imagine all the dye that somepony would go through just trying to stay fashionable! I think it is quite appropriate to gift Discord a horror novel about the crimes against aesthetic sensibilities committed by some witches—"

"Umm, Rarity?" Twilight interrupted sheepishly. She pawed the floor with one of her forehooves and squinted more closely at the back cover of the book, looking towards the summary positioned just above the author's portrait. "This isn't a book about witches. 'Dun-Witch' is one of those odd little pastoral village names."

"Oh," Rarity said, all the light in her eyes had dimmed. "Then I can't possibly say that I have even the faintest guess of what this book might be about," she said, taking the book back so she could reshelve it. "Twilight, dearest, how is it that you manage to find the right book for absolutely everypony, but the three of us can't come up with a halfway decent idea on one book for a draconequus?"

"That's easy!" Twilight Sparkle said. She smiled sweetly at Rarity and linked one foreleg around her marefriend's withers before nuzzling her. "I pretty much only ever gift everypony books! It's one of the few gifts I've always known how to do well!"

History is a joke
to those who live
longer than it will be
and have written it
more times than
they were in
the starring role.

Chapter 4: Medicine

They had found Mother Zawadi's Medicine Emporium tucked away from most ponies' eyes in a cozy corner of the Canterlot streets. Rarity had been the first to spot it, and had tapped her marefriend lightly to draw her attention to the sight of the building. The exterior windows were sleepy-looking and gave little hint of the content of the interior. The displays had curtains of fine silk typical for Canterlotians tied with strange charms that Princess Celestia immediately identified as belonging to the zebra nations — though she could not say which one it originated from. Equestria and those particular nations of the Western continents had minimal trade and immigration. The rest of the windows were filled with masks resting atop backdrops of fabric in lively geometric patterns that Twilight found so colorful and inviting after spending so much time with Zecora.

"We should go inside!" Twilight said cheerfully. There was something about the way the wooden sign swung in the late day and the careful, neat kerning of the letters that sat just right with her. Anypony that put effort into something as vital as good kerning had to be trustworthy.

"Oh dear," Rarity tutted. "Do you really think we ought to stop at another shop first and come back later? I just thought a bit of window shopping couldn't hurt, we ought to stop here last and save the trip. Though, it isn't every day one finds a zebra shop."

"Canterlot is one of the few cities where they aren't a rarity," Princess Celestia said with the faintest of small smiles.

Rarity had been giggling when Twilight pointed to their empty saddlebags. "We still haven't found a gift for Discord," she said. There was an antsy undertone to her words. "It wouldn't be right for any of us to leave, or to just window shop until we've helped you pick out the perfect gift to be your millennium token this year, Princess Celestia."

"Oh Twilight," Princess Celestia began, her eyes kept modestly lowered, "all of the efforts you two have put in to be helping hooves is not lost on me. Maybe we didn't find anything, but I still appreciated the care you two have shown, and getting to spend time with friends is important to me, no matter the occasion. Besides, everypony appreciates crafts... maybe I can make something for Discord. I'm sure that Luna would enjoy the chance to help me come up with something creative — she always was better at that type of thing — instead of keeping the castle and everything running while we're gone."

Rarity nodded. "I have had a lovely time today too, and I do believe that we might as well get going. I thought the shop might be inspiring to point out, but it simply doesn't look like we'd find anything there that wouldn't be too fragile for Discord."

"...wait, wait," Twilight said quickly, her ears anxiously swiveled. "I don't mean to suggest that we shouldn't listen to you, Princess. I'd never, not ever in a million years suggest that. I just really, really think we should try one more store. It'll be quick."

Rarity only nodded her assent after Princess Celestia did.

...

Mother Zawadi turned out to be barely older than Twilight and Rarity. She was young, and a bit on the pudgier side in a way that suggested when the years were right, she'd have a matronly look, not unlike Missus Cake. Her black and white mane was kept in place with a tie-dyed headband, and her mane itself was done in dozens of pretty braids. The colorful extensions that were woven among the braids in her mane and tail gave her an unusual, more pony-like appearance. She wore no neck rings but had layers of colorful necklaces with all kinds of crystals and pigmented stones. Her gold hoop earrings reflected the light of her dazzling smile and the buttons on her brilliantly patterned tie-dye coat. From where the coat gave away, Twilight could see the mark tattooed on her haunches in imitation of a cutie mark was a magnificent jar that contained some kind of representation of fog or magic inside — it reminded Twilight of pointillistic paintings she had seen in Canterlot's art museums sometimes as a filly.

"Greetings, valued customers and friends," she said as soon as her store's bell alerted her of the three mares entering. "Come inside, and you'll see I've imported goods from all of the world's known ends."

Rarity stopped to wave, and Twilight offered a little bow. Princess Celestia modestly dipped her head in greeting. It was then that Mother Zawadi turned around fully to get a proper look at her customers — Rarity had entered first, but her eyes had widened when she saw Twilight Sparkle, and it became clear how much more immediate her recognition of Equestria's last princess was.

"Oh! How blessed I must be!" called the zebra mare in her rich, deep voice. "It is not every day that I get to see Your Majesty! Rarely is it that one can expect to personally see a goddess and her ascended pupil with their own eyes!" Mother Zawadi immediately stepped out from behind her desk with the large, clunky, and particularly old-fashioned cash register, where she then dropped into such a deep bow that her many necklaces touched the floor. "Always, I have thought of the legends of my youth, where one can only expect an encounter with the gods to come in disguise. Please, please browse my goods that range from what you might call anything from folk medicine to a parlor trick. My wares may baffle some, that is true, but when it comes to advertising to ponyfolk, I've yet to grasp the right skill mix."

"Oh, my little pony," Princess Celestia said softly, "you are so formal; I'm touched by your display. My subjects, like yourself, have a love for me unlike any other, and it is I who must be humbled by such affection. But you see, I'm only out for a bit of shopping, and wouldn't expect such degrees of reverence on such a simple occasion. Thank you."

Mother Zawadi rose from her bow but still kept her head tilted lightly down to the floor. It was an almost perfect mirror of Princess Celestia's gesture of greetings. "Thank you, madam, for your unfaltering grace. I do hope you find what it is that you seek under the roof of this place."

...

It would seem that Twilight had been right to make her suggestion that they look in one more store. The shelves were cluttered with a variety of goods that were simply goofy. Curious, small toys from around the world sat on sturdy shelves alongside packets of thunderbird feathers, delicate vials of squonk tears, stingers of bugbear speartips, music boxes with dancing Sasqutches, and genuine snake oil in both bottled and powdered form, with the latter being advertised by the packet and resting in large traits. Even the ceiling of the shop was cluttered. Princess Celestia looked over into the section of the store that she claimed and had to duck around Zebra masks, Qilinese shadow puppets, and Neighponese communication lanterns adorned with tassels just as elaborate as the grate-like patterns in the lantern itself, which could be altered like shutters or with careful turns and manipulations of unicorn, deer, or kirin magic.

Twilight Sparkle was muttering aloud to herself. She'd picked the section of the store that was the most normal since she figured that would be the safest place to find something that she might understand. The last thing that she wanted was to get a gift she couldn't explain or was ill-suited when she presented it to Princess Celestia for approval. In that way, this errand felt much like a test. She'd been reading every label she came across aloud, albeit with each word said under her breath, both out of habit and not to disturb the languid calm atmosphere of the store. She did not want to come across as an overly picky customer, or the kind of nag who asked to speak to the manager when her every whim was not met — it would be such a poor look for any princess!

She was past the snake oil and nearing where Rarity was browsing what looked like silk scarves that changed color when they were levitated into the light, like some kind of camouflage. That was when she found another section of curious brews: Crabgrass Delucion Inducer, Miracle Cure Unmasker, and powder of Bucklyn Terror tonic mix-in. Next to those were shelves of calendars: the theme of the most stand-out one to Twilight was something called Alien, or Anomalous, Big Cats while another was glossy photographs of Emperor Ahg and the landscapes of the giant spider tribe of the Maretonian rain forests. And next to those were souvenir-like goods and clothes. Twilight was surprised that Rarity hadn't claimed this section of the store, but the one just beyond it.

Did she fear she would be too harsh on the clothing? Admittedly, Twilight Sparkle could see why that might be. Shirts that read 'I Met the Mothmare and All I Got was This T-Shirt' did not seem to be very friendly to Rarity's judgment, especially when they were obviously in plain, somewhat baggy unisex cuts. Something like that bugged a seamstress to no end, probably just as much as the fact that they were shelved next to mugs printed with 'Hodag Hunter' and stickers for the bumpers of carriages that read 'I wasn't late — the Beast of Bray Road nearly ate my wheels!' next to the silhouette of a were-donkey that Twilight recognized from her copy of Supernaturals: Natural Remedies and Cure-alls That Are Simply Super. In fact, if she wasn't mistaken, Rarity was going through a few copies from a book stack on the side of the aisle that was opposite of Twilight Sparkle just now.

Twilight straightened up and trotted a little closer. She passed a rack of Discord lamps and bobbleheads — she knew he wouldn't want those, the lamp was of his own design and he made good bits selling it. What Discord did with the bits was anypony's guess. She hadn't seen the bobbleheads before, but they looked so thoroughly Discord-y enough and their placement next to his design of lamps made her wonder if they were made by his mind and magic too. If that were the case, getting him one would only be redundant. Plus, didn't it defeat the purpose of a gift — who would want to be given their only likeness? Nopony was vain enough for that, except maybe Trixie Lulamoon.

In an effort to get closer to Rarity and see if her marefriend found anything, Twilight passed a row of polished hugag skulls made into hat stands. They were shoved so close together you couldn't wedge a paper between them, and as Twilight stepped closer, she could see that Rarity was browsing a stack of books that was dreadfully unorganized, and currently levitating one about something called vulture culture that Twilight had had briefly explained to her by a somewhat distraught Fluttershy, who found the practice unnerving. For a store that was arranged in such an oddball way, it made sense to see those books so close to the big-lipped hugag skulls, along with glimpses of books about alchemy, potion-making, curses, fearsome critters, cryptid-watching, séances, athamé-crafting, and more. And it turns out she was right. There were indeed multiple copies of Supernaturals: Natural Remedies and Cure-alls That Are Simply Super that Rarity had moved out of the way, and they appeared to be quite deliberately placed over Emperor Ahg's book on the wonder of ritual hugs in giant spider culture and the wisdom it brought.

(Twilight had seen a copy of the last book in one of her favorite Canterlot bookstores on her last visit. The book was supposedly very good, a new bestseller worthy of its label — but Twilight was still very torn about whether she should have a book by giant spiders and how much they loved hugging others stocked in her library.)

Maybe it was better that Rarity had looked at the books, too. Twilight had struggled to find something that Discord would want to read in the bookstore, and the last thing she wanted to do was anguish over the possibility of getting him books again, only to think of how they'd undoubtedly just wind up eaten by Discord.

On her way closer to Rarity, Twilight caught sight of some of the hats, and read the large print on it, which was poised right next to a familiar, semi-bipedal creature: "Ahuizotl is real and he tried to eat my — oh no!" Twilight gasped, her face immediately reddening as she silently read the rest of what the hat said. "Nopony should ever do that!”

At the sound of her voice, Rarity turned around and trotted over to where Twilight was to see the cause of the commotion. As soon as she caught sight of the hat that Twilight had immediately replaced in its stack on the hugag skull stands, she snort-laughed. "Oh, Twilight, darling. What am I going to do with you? To think, such a charmingly provincial little cap has my marefriend so flustered!"

"Rarity," Twilight whined, pawing the floor with a forehoof. "Just look at what it says!"

"Oh," Rarity said, not bothering to hide her abundant giggling with a hoof, "believe me, my love. I do see the hat. It does actually strike me as something that Discord might enjoy — the hat, that is." She narrowed her eyes, suddenly giving them a suspicious glance. "I certainly can't speak for the contents, but I do think it is at least in his spirit. Though, if Rainbow Dash did not love the skies the way I love you, then I could certainly see her wearing something so... brazen."

Twilight nodded, slowly. She took any chance she could to focus on something other than the embarrassing product — honestly, the only thing about it that wasn't so scandalous was the price. "Did you find anything that Discord might like?" she asked.

"Why," Rarity said, her eyes dancing with light and her ears were pricked forward joyously, "I do believe I might have found two things!"

Immediately, Twilight Sparkle perked up. "Really? Two gifts?"

"Yes, though I would like you to have a look at one of them before we go fetch the Princess." Rarity smiled, lighting up her horn.

"Alright then. What about the other?"

"As for the other..." Rarity trailed off, making a small face as her telekinesis rummaged around for something behind her before thrusting a little box in front of Twilight's muzzle. "Ta-da! Isn't it simply marvelous?"

Twilight leaned forward just enough that she wouldn't be so close that her breath would fog up the window of the package. Inside, she could see dozens of peculiar curved toothbrushes with their handles carved in the likeness of a cat-like creature, one that was close to the extinct saber-toothed tigers she had seen illustrated in books she had as a filly. Only, these creatures were bigger, had sleeker coats, fish-like eyes, and webbed fur details in their enormous paws. The illustration on the side of the box filled in what the littlest details on the carvings could not. Puzzled, she looked at the text next to the illustration in order to figure out what she was looking at.

"Bunyip Brushes™," Twilight Sparkle read, "are the perfect brushes for you and all of your fanged and tusk-having friends. They're bunyip-approved and enthusiastically bunyip-tested by real bunyips straight from Brumbralia for fanged creatures everywhere. The curve of these brushes is guaranteed to give you the greatest smile and reach every part of every fang and tusk with easy brushing or your money back. See why Bunyip Brushes™ are beloved by creatures around the globe, from the yeti of Mirkaysia, the Qilinese, the ursine-folk of Sibearia, and the distant boarfolk of the Boara-Boara Islands! Dragons, qilin, and kirin love the fireproof enchantments on Bunyip Brushes™! Her Majesty the Hog-Queen Phillippa of the Isle of Albion uses and approves of Bunyip Brushes™ — write to us about buying in bulk today!"

"They're useful, aren't they, darling? Everypony should have a dazzling white smile, and Discord's teeth are as chaotic as he is, no? Plus, dearest, they're royalty-approved."

Twilight found herself nodding, still not looking away from the description of the toothbrushes. Finding products — or even basic faculties, like doorways — adapted to non-equine creatures in Equestria was a novelty. In a land where everything was built for ponykind and with only equines in mind, even something like toothbrushes managed to sound foreign. Twilight could not recall a time when she'd ever heard '-folk' not attached to 'pony-' used so normally or she ever had to stumble through mentions of yeti and the ursine outside of books she'd need only her hooves to count the number of. She'd occasionally seen qilin, and their slightly more west-residing siblings, the kirin, as a filly in Canterlot on trips to places like Restaurant Row or antique stores with extended family. She was aware of Queen Phillipia and the hogfolk through both Princess Celestia's political lectures and her marefriend. The former had started instructing Twilight Sparkle about the lengthy history of the ongoing feud between the Isle of Albion, and its long-time rival the Kingdom of Isles of Mares and Shetland. Both were off the coast of Trotland and Princess Celestia had high hopes that as Equestria's newest princess, Twilight Sparkle would one day be able to resolve the conflict between the two island nations through their mutual diplomatic relationships with Equestria. Through Rarity, Twilight Sparkle learned of how hogfolk were all seven feet tall and literally had four eyes — but mostly, she'd been made to memorize the style of the queen's seemingly endless wardrobe of red dresses.

"I do think that it's a good present... but maybe it would be better for Spike. I don't think this has the, ah, tone of gift that Princess Celestia has in mind. We're getting a makeup Hearts and Hooves Day gift, and I wonder if Discord would take this to mean that we're telling him his breath stinks."

"Oh..." Rarity murmured, her blue eyes distant with sudden thoughtfulness. "Oh my, I do see how that could have been quite the faux pas, darling. Thank you for catching that! Spike would definitely love these very much, though. I never thought pony toothbrushes would possibly be tricky for him until I saw these... I wonder, if they work well, perhaps we ought to get some shipped directly to the castle since I doubt any store in Ponyville would stock these. Now, may I show the other gift possibility I found?"

"Of course!" Twilight watched as Rarity put the toothbrushes in her saddle bag, then Twilight straightened her posture and readied herself to follow Rarity.

...

Twilight found herself led over to another row of shelves. It was not far from where they had been standing. Stickers indicating the fragility of the products were placed on every available surface that didn't interfere with reading the packaging. Even the shelves themselves had some of those stickers, along with one straight out of Twilight Sparkle's foalhood: Miss Yuk, the image of an earth pony mare's face contorted with disgust, and her coat a putrid shade of green. Every foal learned to recoil from anything bearing those stickers, and that they were as powerful in generating avoidance as runes with a curse. They were especially important when some things had only the common cork between a foal and a trip to the hospital.

Rarity waved a hoof over to a row of dark bottles, whose thick glass revealed various powders and brews inside. "All of these strange chemicals look like something out of a witch doctor's workshop, Twilight. And I do suppose that makes sense when the lovely owner is a zebra. Can you tell me what these are? They look ever so mysterious, and that just felt perfect for getting Discord a gift."

Twilight trotted over and got a good look at the bottles. Each was distinguished not just by the Miss Yuk and fragile stickers, but also by those that warned ponies not to sample the products. "Oh! Rarity, you're right — these are witch doctor goods, they're not just for witch doctors though. In fact, they're even related to Discord. I never thought I'd ever see things like this before; they're incredibly uncommon and usually locked up in underground vaults. I know you need permits cleared by the Princess herself to buy things like this, but they must be imported from a country where these are more plentiful — maybe the part of the Western continents where zebra, giraffes, hyenas, and boars originate. I know the Coltmecs of Colthuacan have found substances like this before Colthuacan — ponyfeathers, we probably even passed some in Tenochtitlan when we visited Daring Do's cabin and Ahuizotl's temple."

"Err..." Rarity blinked and tilted her head to the side. "Darling, that doesn't tell me what these are."

Now it was Twilight's turn to blink and shake her head. She laughed shortly and sheepishly. "Well, sometimes I forget that not everypony has access to the Royal Archives. So... none of this is top secret or anything, just guarded knowledge. Draconequui used to be a species... but something happened, a long time ago when the princesses and Discord were very young... and they went extinct. Discord is the only pure draconequus left, and Ahuizotl is part draconequus, though unrelated to Discord — he told me that, they aren't even cousins. If Ahuizotl weren't, well, evil and constantly surrounded by his cult of Coltmecs and his temple of doom, we might be able to learn about him. I don't know any more than that, and they don't exactly teach us about anything before the Tribal Era, even in Princess Celestia's school — or in any school in Equestria. Prior history is a total blank, and I only found out about there being multiple draconequui after I got my castle."

"I see," Rarity said thoughtfully, eyeing the bottles carefully, "do go on."

"Draconequus magic likes to stick around more than most magic, and they can alter things on such a deep level. Just like Alicorns... like Princess Celestia and Princess Luna. And... just like Alicorns, their workings and true potential for power is unknown, but there are some theories as to what they can do. One of those is called the Hackneyvetica Scenario. It was derived by a great unicorn scholar of history from the Isles of Mares and Shetland, Dr. Hackney. He synthesized fables from the Western continent and Coltmec mythohistory with Equestrian resources from the Royal Archives when he was Princess Celestia's Faithful Student after moving to Equestria. He found that there were accounts of ponies and other creatures losing their facial features and orifaces in all cultures, and that this was described only after they came in contact with so-called 'amalgamation monsters' that only the Equestrians had a name for — the draconequus, Discord — or the bones of those that were affected by chaos magic in life, specifically the teeth."

"Darling," Rarity said, tapping her hoof, "how is it that ponies could still have teeth after losing their faces? And goodness me, how did they ever get them back?"

Twilight frowned. "Ponies and other creatures that fell victim to magic like that... didn't get their faces back. They died, unable to communicate, smooth-muzzled, eyeless, mouthless, and only able to hear. You can find small writings from ponies after Discord's petrification with that affliction. It comes from select misfires of magic, so it wasn't anything Discord knowingly did to anypony. Some ponies just... lost their face because of draconequui and their magic, and we don't really have any around to ask why that is — if they're just inexperienced, or something else was at work. The misfires steal the opening of the mouth, erasing it and the lips. Skeletons of creatures were still the same. Whatever alteration left lingering magic specifically in the teeth of creatures, and being too close to graves or exposed to the remains excessively could cause the effect to rub off onto others without proper precaution. Dr. Hackney was able to discover the necessary precaution by studying the errors of history; he found that the teeth in creatures affected showed altered molecules that may have very likely been present in the smooth-faces of ponies who suffered from the draconequui magic too. More importantly, he found that the effects were nullified if bodies were exhumed and the teeth were ground to powder. He called the powder alternate calciums, and that's what you see here."

"Oh, that's rather macabre," Rarity gasped. "Who would want to buy such things? Are these really the ground teeth of poor ponies from forever ago?"

"Yes and no. There are still creatures in the zebra lands who can get this curse because they couldn't possibly exhume all the buried bodies, so it still is occurring there in those nations, the way a birth defect might. The fact that they have a long tradition of resurrection ponies and zebras hunting for ingredients in unsafe environments means that the condition can still spread, too. But you can create intelligent calciums by mixing in small minorities of regular calcium from the ground powder of non-sapient creatures' teeth, weighing it against a majority of the original until transmutation occurs, and repeating the process as much as possible to get as many of an intelligent carbon as you may need. The creatures who buy this are usually witch doctors, not anypony looking to repeat the Hackneyvecta scenario, and oxygen is used to neutralize all negative effects that might remain in the powders — something Dr. Hackney also verified. The grounds are an important base in curses, powders, bone-regrowing, and divining magic for zebra works in particular. After all, 'intelligent' isn't a misnomer — alternate calciums are very loosely sapient, and with proper instruments used in unicorn and zebra labs, they form the essential ingredient in formulas used to locate directions, buried things, treasure, understand underground landscapes, crafts aid for the blind in zebra culture, and more. Though, these effects can also be neutralized through exposure to enough oxygen — which makes it one of the safest substances after preparation, despite the tragedy that shaped them."

Rarity beheld Twilight Sparkle in the most utterly flabbergasted way. "And my parents wonder how I know my wonderful marefriend is autistic."

"Oh, oh!" said Twilight, hopping excitedly on her hooves. She pointed to one of the selections of bottles, on which 'Alternate Calcium' was printed neatly on each. "I forgot, I almost forgot — folktales that surround the stories of ponies in Discord's reign and after who suffered from the Hackneyvecta scenario are what led to the tradition of the Tooth Breezie in Equestria, which then spread to other lands. Sleeping with teeth under the pillow started among earth ponies in early Equestria post-Discord, who thought it might ward against the illness, especially because earth ponies were the most affected — pegasus tradition is cremation, unicorns used cave-vaults, and earth ponies buried their dead beneath or nearby buildings in order not to 'use up' land for fields. This was one of the most pivotal factors in why Equestrian earth ponies were forced to adopt more unicorn-like funerary traditions. Sleeping with a tooth under one's pillow did nothing to stop a Hackneyvecta scenario from happening, it just became a charming rite of passage."

"Darling, darling, darling — I wonder how it is that you must own a library when you're a walking variant all on your own. I simply don't know how I'm ever going to be able to appreciate all this knowledge that you've amassed."

It was impossible for Twilight Sparkle to refrain from giggling. "Oh, Rarity, I just can't help myself — and the subject is too fascinating not to gush about. You being generous with how much you listen is all the love I need... oh, and about the gifts. This was... a really good pick... but it's also something that Discord made and could make again. It'd be like giving Princess Luna an astronomy book when she's the one who discovered, named, and created the stories for all of the constellations."

Rarity nodded in slow understanding, and it was at that moment that Princess Celestia poked her head over the aisles in order to wave at the two mares. She said that she had found the perfect gift.

...

Princess Celestia pointed at a sign that said 'Spiritual Relationships' over a selection of shelves at the end of where two aisles met. Across all of them were rows of lamps — not the usual firefly lamps that everypony used, nor were they solar bulbs, and they weren't hydro-thaumic powered bulbs like the ones used in Canterlot, Manehattan, or tiny Ponyville with its hydro-thaumic dam. They were the type of lamps, jars, and boxes in various revivals of ancient styles — the perfect kind for putting jinn in. Hanging from the edge of each shelf were signs that said 'DO NOT SHAKE' followed by a note about the 'break it, bought it' policy that Mother Zawadi had in her store, and hanging below that was a certificate of approval from the Equestrian Board of Welfare for Lesser Magic Beings, Constructs, and Spirits and pamphlets offering customer testimony.

Twilight Sparkle looked patiently at Princess Celestia, obediently expecting an explanation. Rarity, however, did no such thing, and instead asked: "Princess, just what do these do?"

"Here, take a look," said the Alicorn, lighting her horn up with gold and withdrawing a deliberately specific pamphlet before passing it to Rarity. Afterward, she scooped up a jar designed like a miniature Arcadian pithos and clutched it closely.

Rarity could see from the label on the pithos that its tag advertised a sleep paralysis spirit, which did not exactly sound very pleasant. But who was Rarity to question the Princess? She stepped closer to her marefriend so that they could both read the corresponding pamphlet for the sleep paralysis spirits together:

A report submitted by a Baltimare couple: Family stallion Rumbling Stormcloud succumbed today to both boredom and the exotic allure of Thelkkphegorg, the sleep paralysis demon who wakes him up nightly, Stormcloud himself admitted. He did so after remembering he had purchased the spirit and while quarantined with the feather flu.

“I first noticed Thelkkphegorg at the beginning of my quarantine. Being unemployed and finally able to catch up on sleep, you can imagine how upset I was to be woken up at 3 a.m. by a half goat-crab, half-shadow entity with a thousand phalluses, choking me out of my rest,” Stormcloud said. “Eventually I thought to myself, ‘My wife hasn’t choked me like that since our honeymoon.’ After the 10th day I finally realized that although Thelkkphegorg’s body is pretty incomprehensible to mortals, I still know a juicy posterior when I see one. You’re from another dimension? Well, that posterior got dimension!’”

"Oh. My. Goodness. Gracious," said Rarity, fanning herself with the pamphlet instead of reading onward. "Different strokes suit different ponies, I suppose. My dearest Twilight was scandalized by some of the hats being sold a few aisles back, and here I am witnessing something genuinely quite risque if I do say so myself. Never would I think I would see the day where spirits are summoned, conjured, bound, or bottled for such a purpose."

Next to her, Twilight Sparkle stood as stiff as a weathervane and emitted a faint squeak. Her eyes were cloudy pinpricks of nervousness looking everywhere but where she was, and the littlest princess had paled a few shades of purple.

"Oh heavens," said Princess Celestia softly, "I didn't intend to get this for that purpose. I was just looking for the most bizarre creature offered, and the sleep paralysis ones have the most variety. All of the others are quite standard for jinn, house spirits, and the like. All of those would end up being too forgettable as millennium tokens when they're — as Rarity said, summoned, conjured, bound, or bottled — for much more specific purposes. What you see offered in this store is temporary contracts with very simple spirits, most of which are geared towards providing my little ponies with temporary help of some kind. Nothing as unethical as meddling with genuine ghosts."

"B-But—" Twilight stammered.

"Oh yes," Princess Celestia snickered, "Discord is quite the fan of those."

Rarity simply gave a loud and un-ladylike snort before lighting her horn to pass the pamphlet back to the Princess. "I do believe your approval is all we need to know that the gift is good enough. Our search was fruitful after all, and Twilight and I even found a gift for Spike. Might I ask if anything else inspired the gift, if it is not too forward? Though, if I have any place in asking: what if the contracts with these spirits is, ah, limited and single purpose?"

"Yes, of course, Rarity — but thank you for asking anyway. So many ponies in the most unexpected places can lack proper manners, and it is good to see that they're never forgotten by you. I simply think that this suits Discord's type of humor, and that he shall find that this spirit is similarly chaotic in ways I am not able to provide. If you think about it, Discord doesn't have any friends that are like him — except maybe Pinkie Pie. Every good pony should have the chance to find somepony like them. I don't think Discord is an exception to that — plus, I'll have to tell him where I got this. You simply can't understand how funny it is to purchase medicines — of any sort, honestly — for beings who rarely sicken and who are immune to death or fading away. I can't think of any comparison to something mortals would understand..."

Rarity cleared her throat politely. "And my second question?"

Princess Celestia gave a slow blink. "Ah, I'd nearly forgotten — well, if that's the case, I take no issue with things. We've always had an open relationship," said the Princess calmly.

Rarity and Twilight nodded in understanding. It was always important for them to know that those closest to them had good relationships — whether it was their fellow Element Bearers or somepony else.

"Is..." Twilight began, "...is Discord even, y'know, bi? The spirit in the pamphlet sounds... male."

"Hmm," said Princess Celestia, as she hummed faintly, her expression as serene as ever. "I believe he is about as bisexual as I am — which is to say not at all. But, I think I'll let him work that one out. I have a bottle containing a spirit whose name I couldn't pronounce through a mouthful of tea — or without one — and that's simply perfect. He's going to love this, I just know it."

Medicine for the deathless
is a joke fit for those it includes
to give something useless
for the mere amusement of gods
is to cater to the wants
of beings without needs.

Author's Note

Info about the name I selected for the zebra is here.

The article about the sleep paralysis demon is here.

What Crabgrass Delusion is based on: click me.

Info about the bunyip can be found here: click me.

Info about the hugag can be found here: click me.

Info about the squonk can be found here: click me.

The Bucklyn Beast is a play on the Jersey Devil, tweaked to match the closest location to New Jersey possible and to have a suitable name. Plus, in any more utopian world like Equestria, notions like New Jersey would not exist.

ABC cats can be read about here: click me.

You can read about the hodag here: click me.

The Beast of Bray Road didn't have the name changed, nor did the Thunderbird. Mothmare should be easy to figure out.

Mirkaysia is a name for a country that is analogous to Malaysia using a Tibetian name for the Yeti, "Mirka" which is the best I could do to get a decent representation for trying to include some Southeast and Oceanic representation in my lore.

Intelligent carbons, Alternate Calcium, and the Hackneyvetica Scenario are from this shitpost video that you can watch here.