You are Anon.
And you’re currently on your fifth beer of the day.
That’s not much of an accomplishment though. Ponies know fuck all about brewing good alcohol. Their Mareronas are basically like fucking in canoes. You need at least three six-packs in order to even feel a buzz, yet it only took one or two bottles to knock these ponies on their arses.
They wouldn’t know good, strong alcohol if it came up behind them and gave them a good ol’ whiskeydicking.
Anyways, here you are, drinking piss water while relaxing in your overstuffed, yet surprisingly comfy armchair. You had situated it in front of your living room windows, and from it you can watch the comings and goings of the ponies outside. Since Equestria lacked the basic necessities one needed in order to stave off boredom (like fucking television), pony watching was now the best thing you had.
That being said, you certainly did your best to make it as entertaining as possible. Like that one time when you set up a scarecrow in your front yard. It had taken an hour or so for things to get kicked off, but when the pegasi had started to notice it… well, h’oh boy, did that take some explaining to Twilight.
And lots of repairs to your yard.
And a good five hundred bit fine from the City of Ponyville.
And therapy for Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy.
Totally worth it in the end though, and as for the sequel. Spending days bugging Glim-Glam-the-Commie-Spam to conjure up a snow cloud in the middle of autumn? Time-consuming. Building dozens of snowmen before anyone saw what you were doing? Nerve-racking. Watching as Fluttershy had a mental breakdown while trying desperately to save the rare white snow monkeys from melting to death?
Priceless.
You were forced to take a break after that one though, lest Princess “Kill-Joke McGee” Celestia had to come back down and give you another hour-long talking to. You don’t remember much of what she lectured you on, but you do know you don’t want a repeat of it.
Although you might have to reconsider that stance, given what day it was.
Your mood darkens and you shotgun another beer as your mind comes around full circle to the cause of your attempted day drinking. It was so stupid. These ponies have an equivalent to almost all the holidays you remember from back home. Remembrance and Renewal Day for New Year’s Eve, Hearts and Hooves Day for Valentine’s Day, Nightmare Night for Halloween, and the Summer Sun Celebration was kinda like the Fourth of July. Okay, maybe you’re stretching a couple of them a little, but still, your point stands. They seem to have a pony equivalent to all your old major holidays. All, save for one.
They had nothing resembling Thanksgiving in any way. In fact, Twilight had seemed almost mystified when you had asked if there were any similar holidays here in Equestria. Granted, she might have been a little confused when you described it as a day of ‘stuffing your face, fighting with family members who deserved it (fuck you, Uncle Allen, you fugly bitch), and then passing out on the toilet while shitting your brains out’, but hey, that’s an average Thanksgiving, right?
...r-right?
Regardless though, ponies didn’t have any version of Thanksgiving here. And neither did the changelings, although Chrissy-missy was thrilled to hear from you again, you really need to plan a trip out to the hive sometime in the future. Maybe you’ll bring her a couple of ponies as a gift or some shit.
Anyways, the closest you got to something similar was when you spoke with that weird-talking zigg—zebra. That weird-talking zebra. Although, you don’t think you want to join her in cooking a bunch of food to offer up to her gods to appease them and not let another plague come down and wipe all life from the face of the planet. Which nearly happened. Because some zebra village wasn’t thankfully for what they had and started trading with ponies way back in the old days.
Honestly, you weren’t listening when she was explaining it. You didn’t want a history lesson; you just wanted some turkey and fucking stuffing, yo!
So, here you are, alone on Thanksgiving, forced to sit in your chair, watch ponies walking by outside without a care in the world. Hey, at least you’ve got beer, right? That’s something to be thankful for.
…
Oh, fuck off. It fucking sucks.
Finishing off another can, you chuck it over your shoulder and into the steadily-growing pile of empties. Derpy and Berry Punch are walking by outside as you crack another one, and you idly wonder if today’s the day for you to attempt to pull off the pizza prank you’ve been considering for a while. It’d probably make you feel better, and hey, if not… pizza for dinner.
Win-win, right?
You are just about done figuring out what to get on your pizzas when there came three knocks on your front door.
Craning your head about, you stare at the door in confusion. With the way your house is set up, you can't see who's on your porch from your window. You half-consider getting up to see who it is, but then again, just your luck it'll be Fluttershy, here to waste more of your time. Better to not risk it.
As you start to settle back into your chair, a muffle shout comes from the door. “Hey, it’s us! I know you’re in there, Anon! Open up!”
You blink and a smile begins to spread across your face. That didn’t sound like Fluttershy. In fact, the owner of that voice is one of the few ponies you’d actually get off your ass for.
Discarding your beer can, you pull yourself from the confines of your armchair and hurry to the door. Upon pulling it open, you find two ponies on your doorstep. Two very familiar and very wonderful ponies.
“Hey, Anon!” Gleaming Shield smiles as she looks up at you. She’s wearing an orange and brown striped scarf around her neck, and an extremely full pair of saddlebags upon her back. Beside her, Cadance is decked out with a scarf of her own, this one striped with blue and white.
You smile down at the pair. “I didn’t know you two were here! If I had known you were visiting, I would have gone into town to swing by Twilight’s just to say hi!”
“Oh, we aren’t here to visit Twilight,” Cadance giggles. “She doesn’t even know we’re here, although we might swing by afterward to see how she’s doing.”
“Wait, what?” You give her a confused look. “If you aren’t here to visit Twilight, then what are you doing here?”
Gleaming smiles and shakes her head. “We’re here to see you, knucklehead!”
“This is the day you were talking about, right?” Cadance asks. “That one about eating and fighting, right? Thanks Having Day or something like that?” Her ears splay back. “T-that was today, right? We didn’t miss it, did we?”
Mouth opening and closing, you gape at her. You had told both of them about this holiday months ago. And they remembered it? And they came all this way just to be with you during it? You… you really should clean your house more, because there’s dust in your eye.
Rubbing at your eyes, you shake your head. “N-no, no. That’s today. I can’t believe you guys remembered!”
“Of course we remembered!” Gleaming said. “We’ve been looking forward to this for weeks. Wouldn’t miss it for the world! In fact, we brought something you might like!” Horn glowing, she opens her saddlebags and pulls out a… a…
“Is… is that what I think it is?” you whisper in reverence and awe. Slowly, with trembling hands, you reach out and take the thing Gleaming offers you. Words fail you as you stare down at the plastic bag that currently holds what looks like a cleaned and plucked turkey. It was twice the size of a normal turkey back home, and just needed to be seasoned and cooked before being devoured.
You hold it gingerly in your hands, almost like a newborn baby.
“W-where… where did you get this?” you ask, not taking your eyes off it as though it might disappear if you looked away. “I… I looked all over Equestria for this! I checked every marketplace, every griffon store, the black market! I even asked Fluttershy! You guys don’t have turkeys in Equestria! So where… where in the hell did you get this?”
“So, funny story about that.” Cadance didn’t meet your eye. “So, we had a diplomatic meeting in the Griffon Empire the other week, and while we were there, there was an assassination attempt on the queen. They caught the culprit before anything happened, and the queen ordered his execution. And well… we remembered your holiday was coming up, and we asked if they needed his body once the execution was over. And so they gave it to us and well…” Giving you a weak smile, she motions towards the bag of bird bits. “Kinda awkward getting it back across the border.”
“On the plus side, it seems to have gotten us more cred with the griffon nobility,” Gleaming mumbles.
You glance back down at the turkey. “Wait, so you’re telling me this is a…”
Cadance nods. “Uh-huh.”
“And you had it…”
“Uh-huh.”
“And you’re giving it to me. To eat?”
“Uh-huh. Which reminds me.” Cadance glances around before leaning in. “Okay, so, this kind of thing might not be too unusual for the griffons, but when it comes to, ah… consuming creatures of previous sapient intelligence, Equestria has a somewhat… harsher ruling.”
Gleaming nods her head in agreement. “Much harsher. We were only able to get it across the border and into Equestria by claiming we were coming to give him a proper burial.”
“So if you could keep this all hush-hush and destroy the evidence as soon as possible, that would be extremely helpful!” Cadance gives you a big smile, one that Gleaming quickly mirrors.
Damn it! You’ve got dust in your eye again. These two glorious ponies. You should really reconsider moving up to the Crystal Empire and living there. It’d probably be better for all peoples involved (yet somehow you feel that Fluttershy would still manage to be outside your door every morning regardless).
“You guys… are amazing,” you say, choking back tears. “I… I have no words. This is the nicest thing someone has done for me in a while. Is there anything I can do to repay you guys?”
“Let us celebrate it with you?” Gleaming asks hopefully. “I was looking forward to trying some of that stuff… what did you call it? Stuffing?”
“I could use a good stuffing,” Cadance mumbled under her breath with a giggle. Straightening up, it’s her turn to look hopeful. “I thought that the pie sounded good. The chocolate pudding and whipped cream pie?”
It was Gleaming’s turn to snicker under her breath. “I could go for a good creampie right now.”
You roll your eyes, having become used to their usual banter. Instead, you push your door open with your back and motion with your head. “Sure. Come in and we’ll get this thing going!” Turning, you head into your house, with the two ponies following quickly after you.
In the kitchen, you place the turkey on the counter before moving about, collecting everything you need. The cranberry sauce, mashed potatoes, green beans; just because you didn’t have someone to celebrate with didn’t mean you aren’t prepared to have a Thanksgiving dinner by yourself. All that had been missing was the turkey, and your two amazing friends had just provided that.
Cadance and Gleaming gather around your island counter as you begin preparing everything. They watch with eager anticipation.
Preheating your oven, you step over to your spice rack and pull out some rosemary, sage, garlic powder, onion powder, pepper, and salt. But something’s missing…
Oh well.
Arms full of seasoning, you turn back to the turkey, only to catch sight of the clock as you do so. Suddenly, it clicks.
A loud clatter fills the air as the seasonings fall to the floor and you drop to your knees. “No,” you mutter, shaking your head. “No, it’s not fair. It’s just not fair.”
“Anon!” Cadance steps around the counter, her eyes full of concern. “What’s wrong? Are you okay?!”
“It’s not fair,” you tell her. “It’s all here. It’s just not fair!”
She gives you a confused look. “What’s not fair?”
“There’s no way I can cook this in time for dinner!” you tell her. “I just… can’t!”
“What?” Gleaming yelps. “Why not?”
Tears welling up in your eyes, you stare into the abyss and whisper sadly. “I just don’t have enough thyme.”
