Your Human and Me

by Jest

Rating: everyone
Tags: Human, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Original Character, Comedy
Length: 2857

A man ends up in an Equestria where humans are a common occurrence. Slightly subdued shenanigans ensue.

A man ends up in an Equestria where humans are a common occurrence. Slightly subdued shenanigans ensue.

This is a parody/homage to a very popular story and others that have followed in its footsteps. This particular fic is a bit old and had been forgotten in one of my folders until now. Not released initially due to not being good enough, I spruced it up enough so that now it is.

Published 2020-11-27 23:30:02 UTC
Last updated 2020-11-27 23:30:02 UTC

Kerfuffle

“That was quite a haul from Ponyville, wasn't it mister Long?” An upbeat, male voice announced from somewhere far to my right.

“Indeed it was. It seems like every year the apples need more humans to work their farm.” A smaller, slightly less confident male voice replied.

“It is wonderful to see such family farms still going strong in this day and age, wouldn't you say mister Long?” The first voice asked.

“Indeed it is sir. There are too many of those big factory farms run by companies who care nothing for the artistry of growing real food and the well being of its workers.” The second voice answered.

“Ahh yes. I suppose an earth pony like you would understand that wouldn't you.” The first voice exclaimed. “Now then, let's see what we have here. Were these all we purchased from the local hunters?” The upbeat voice asked as it began to trot a little closer to my cage.

Around me were dozens of other humans who were all in individual cages, most of whom simply stared at a wall, each other, or were asleep. I however, was not one of them, and sat cross legged on the floor, glaring at the corner of the train car where I could hear the voices coming from. The train shook briefly, the click clack of the tracks having long since faded into the back of my perception.

“I’m afraid so.” The second voice answered sadly. “It seems like Slip Snare had some issues with some of her traps.”

I snorted in annoyance, wanting desperately to yell no shit at the top of my lungs. Alas with my voice gone I could only sit there and grind my teeth together as I thought of the beige and tan pegasi who had a penchant for cruelty.

“Remind me to find another contractor willing to take the position, that mare’s savagery is simply inexcusable.” The first declared in utter disgust.

“But her father, sir.” The second one replied nervously.

“You leave him to me. I will not let another human come to harm all because Slip Snare has some familial connections with the nobility. Now then, let us observe this latest group and take stock shall we?” The first voice exclaimed.

“Yes sir, I have the clipboard right here.” The second one replied.

Out of the corner of my eye I could see the tall golden eyed unicorn I knew to be the owner of the first voice. His long red mane having been combed over one side of his face, his white fur resplendent even in the low light of the dirty train car. The stallion pushed a pair of small glasses further up his face and peered down at what I assumed was another of this world’s native humans.

“Female, appears uninjured, inquisitive, most likely between the ages of ten and thirteen.” He declared, prompting the smaller stallion I couldn't quite see to scratch down what he had said.

This continued for several minutes, with the pair slowly working their way down the line, the tall unicorn stallion announcing what he had seen while his assistant wrote it down. The assistant was a ruddy, brown furred earth pony with a short green mane who took down everything that his superior had said with speed and grace. When they neared my cage I began to tap out the bars in a deliberate manner, replicating the S.O.S signal I had learned back in the eighth grade.

Though it could hardly be heard over the rattle of the train, that wasn't the point and by the time they neared me, they noticed my finger moving and the unicorn paused.

“Where exactly did this one come from?” He asked, turning to his assistant.

“The everfree, sir. Slip Snare’s report said that it simply appeared near her camp and she chased it down and captured it.” The earth pony replied.

“That's very…” The unicorn paused, only to spin towards me, his eyes going wide. “By jove that's morse code!”

I nodded enthusiastically, making both ponies recoil in shock. “It can understand us.” The earth pony muttered in disbelief.

“Quickly mister Long, the keys! This creature is clearly not a normal human and is in fact sentient; we must release him from this bondage posthaste!” The unicorn declared, holding out a hoof.

The earth pony frowned, and leaned a little closer, making me chuckle, and stick out my tongue at the kind of adorable look on the full grown stallion’s face. “By the stars… your right!” he exclaimed.

“The key man!” Reminded the unicorn.

“R-right away.” Mister Long replied, scrambling to turn around and sprint out of sight.

Leaving me alone with the unicorn. “Terribly sorry about this predicament, but you must have realized most humans are unlike you.” He remarked in an apologetic tone.

I shrugged noncommittally, wanting desperately to say; No big, but I really want some pants. But for now my hand would just have to do unfortunately.

The earth pony replied quickly with the key, which he held in an outstretched hoof. “H-here you are sir.”

“Good, good. Now let's get you out of there.” The unicorn declared with a smile, using his magic to unlock my cage.

Once the door was unlocked, the earth pony offered me hoof, which I generously took, and in turn offered him a nod as thanks. With my legs under me once more I stretched as much as possible while still keeping my dignity, the two ponies eyeing my naked body with equally naked curiosity.

“Do you think it's an entirely new genus, or perhaps one of those foreign humans from the deep south?” The earth pony whispered.

The unicorn shook his head. “Neither. The physical differences are too great. I mean just look at him. The eyes are too small and clearly contain the spark of intelligence, his legs and arms are just a little shorter, and his mannerisms are clearly of someone with a modicum of civility or else he would not be so eager to contain his nudity.”

The earth pony blushed and turned away. “R-right. I’ll fetch you a tablecloth to cover yourself for now.”

The unicorn however, seemed unbothered, though he kept his gaze respectfully remained on my face or chest, which I was perfectly content with.

“Do so immediately my good stallion, and tell the dining car to get this man a meal as well as a tall glass of water and a beer?” He commanded, ending the last few words as a question while looking up at me.

I smiled down at the pony and nodded enthusiastically, my mouth salivating at the thought of having a cold beer after my little adventure in the woods.

“Make that three beers, something tells me this young man deserves it after his rough treatment at the hooves of our contractor.” The unicorn replied with a hint of sadness.

The earth pony scampered off after giving us a quick salute.

Once more leaving me alone with the unicorn who sighed and hung his head. “You must think us savages after meeting Slip Snare, and let me be the first to apologize for her behavior. The company I work for has put up with her brutality due to the connections she has with upper management, and the fact that she does the job more or less for free.”

I looked down on the stallion, studying his features intently and after being able to ascertain that he was indeed telling the truth I smiled.

The unicorn smiled back. “I don't expect you to forgive us quite yet but don't you worry my good man. I will make sure you are treated well and hopefully sent back to wherever home is for you.”

The sound of an earth pony’s hooves clattering across the steel floor alerted me to the fact that the assistant was back and with a large black tablecloth in tow. Though I was a little annoyed they didn't have pants for me, an impromptu dress was certainly better than nothing.

“H-here you are sir.” He muttered, keeping his gaze averted as he handed me the tablecloth.

Giving him a nod in return I grabbed the cloth, wrapped it around my waist and secured it with a firm tug. I gave myself a brief once over and smiled. It didn't look great, but it covered everything and for a tablecloth was even a little stylish, the hem sporting some embroidery that made it look a little nicer.

“Right then, let's get you some food and get things worked out.” The unicorn exclaimed, turning and heading off towards where I assume the dining car was.

Sure enough after going through a small partition between cars I entered into the dining car where a large salad was waiting on a nearby table, as well as three beers and a nervous looking serving mare who grinned when she saw me.

“By the stars you were right mister Long.” She declared. “He really is intelligent. I can tell just by looking into his eyes.”

“Exactly.” Replied the earth pony eagerly. “It would be truly impossible to mistake him for an animal as no base creature looks at someone with such intent.”

“If you would take a step back, I’m sure our guest would appreciate a nice meal after what he went through.” Interrupted the unicorn.

The mare blushed and quickly backpedaled. “I’m terribly sorry sir.”

I shrugged and took my seat, careful to keep my dress from coming apart. I instantly began to dig in with gusto, and subsequently became quite impressed by how good everything tasted. While also doing my best to ignore the looks from the ponies who stood nearby, varying levels of awe on their faces.

“There is absolutely no doubt about it.” The unicorn declared.

“Absolutely, the deftness of the hands, the dexterity of the digits and his polite manners, truly it would be a herculean struggle to imagine our guest as anything less than an intelligent creature. Truly, you would need to be an absolute buffoon not to see it.” The earth pony agreed.

“Oh I must tell Lily Blossom, she is going to freak!” Squealed the mare, a wide grin on her face.

I chuckled and rolled my eyes, ignoring them until after I had consumed the delicious salad. Only then did I turn to them and make a writing motion with my hand.

“What are you... Oh, you wish to write!” The earth pony quickly surmised, grabbing his clipboard and pen and handing it over. “But how do we know we will be able to read it?”

The unicorn rolled his eyes. “He obviously understands our language, meaning he likely has the same written language as ours.”

“Of course! Quite astute mister Gold Standard sir!” The earth pony replied.

The unicorn chuckled. “It's a simple leap of logical understanding, I’m sure you would have made it if I gave you another second to think of it.”

I tapped the table, displaying what I had written.

My name is James T Worthington. I am not from your world, and desperately wish to return home. My jaunt through realities seems to have left me unable to speak.

The ponies all read the words and then looked up at me with varied degrees of shock. “Not from our world you say, well that changes things.” The earth pony muttered, rubbing his chin.

The unicorn however, seemed nonplussed by the announcement and shrugged. “All of Starswirl’s research has been put into the public domain by Celestia’s decree and I know for certain that he has explored the concept of alternate worlds. Surely they taught that in your school as well. Such an enormous leap in our understanding of our reality would only make sense to be taught in all primary schools of the land.”

The mare nodded. “I remember that class. Most of the other kids didn't pay much attention, what with the class being taught in Cloudsdale, but I was always amazed by the advancements in magic.”

“Ahh right, I remember that class too.” Mister Long announced with a nod. “I did a research project on Starswirl’s theory of universal constants. I’m sure princess Celestia would help once she heard of your plight.”

I grinned from ear to ear, barely able to contain my excitement, though that excitement was quickly tempered as I wrote down something else, which I displayed to my new friends.

Are you sure this Celestia person will help me?

The unicorn, earth pony and pegasi all looked at one another before laughing aloud. I however, just sat there, confused, watching them laugh so hard that the earth pony nearly collapsed.

“Celestia, not help someone in need! Oh that's a good one.” The earth pony exclaimed through fits of laughing.

“The sky would sooner turn green and the moon to turn to cheese!” Added the pegasus.

“Oh I’m sorry for laughing my friend, but Celestia is the most magnanimous mare in Equestrian history.” Golden Standard explained, wiping a tear from his eye. “You are a child, alone in a foreign land, who has already experienced an terribly traumatic experience. I doubt she would even be able to stop herself from helping you.”

Really? I wrote, adding an underline to the word.

“Oh absolutely. Why it wouldn't be a stretch of the imagination to say that anypony save for complete psychopaths would do their absolute best to help you.” Gold Standard replied with a smile.

“Quite right, after all almost every creature in equestria save for some slimes are sentient, and though humans are low on that end it would be tantamount to treason to willfully hurt a thinking creature. What do you think we were going to do, throw you into a fighting pit or something?” Golden Standard remarked with a chuckle.

I laughed awkwardly and quickly wrote my response. Well you guys do keep slaves so it didn't feel like it was too far out of the question.

“Oh my good man, we don't keep slaves, we keep pets. Humans have the same level of intelligence as dogs, and have all the same rights.” Golden standard explained. “Why Equestria gives humans more rights than anywhere else in the world, wouldn't you say so Miss Bell Hopper?”

“Oh absolutely.” Replied the mare, nodding enthusiastically. “Why we have ponies who can talk with animals, and though humans are fairly dumb, no offence, those blessed few ponies can usually speak with them as well. It would be hard to justify doing something as savage as slavery given the fact that we can communicate with one another.”

Then where were you taking these ones?

“Oh I know that one.” The earth pony exclaimed, taking a step forward. “The humans that live in the Everfree are usually savage and barbaric, and though that is fine, since we leave them alone, sometimes they come too close to the nearby towns. Which is where hunters like Slip Snare are supposed to come into play. We then bring humans to Canterlot where they are treated for any diseases and then released far from population centres or if they show an aptitude and desire for helping ponies, they are given a job and a home.”

Fascinating.

“It's not that strange is it?” Golden Standard asked. “I mean we were herd animals a millennia ago, and even predator species instinctively empathize with animals. That same urge is dialed up to eleven for we ponies, given the origins of our ancient society.”

I guess that makes sense. Only truly deranged members of your species would be able to commit such cruelties.

“Exactly.” Golden Standard declared with a smile. “I’m so glad we were able to explain everything before this turned into some larger kerfuffle of some kind.”

“Oh I don't think that would even make sense really.” Declared the mare with a shrug. “I mean it would be utterly impossible to not be able to tell that your fundamentally different from other humans, and that's only considering the very obvious physical differences.”

“Nevermind the fact that it would strain credulity if circumstances continued to arise in which your sentience was either ignored or somehow not noticed.” Added the earth pony pointedly, nodding confidently to himself.

“Quite right, why everypony you would meet would have to be a complete and utter moron to not notice the obvious physiological and mental differences between you and our local humans.” Gold Standard declared with a smile.

Very true, well I’m very glad that this circumstance at least gave me three new friends. Even if the circumstances of our meeting were somewhat less than pleasant.

The ponies all smiled. “I’m sure I speak for everyone when I say it's been a delight speaking to you, but I think it would be best to give our guest a few minutes to himself if that's what he desires.”

I nodded graciously, and the three ponies went their separate ways, leaving me alone to sit there, looking out at the countryside, a beer in hand and a smile on my face.

Look out earth, I’m coming home.