The Most Dangerous Mane

Chapter 1

Da Fall

''Off there ta tha right--somewhere--is a big-ass island,'' holla'd Shade. ''It’s rather a mystery--''

''What tha fuck izland is it?'' Rainhoof axed.

''Da oldschool charts call it Lost-Hooves Island,''Shade replied. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! ''A suggestizzle name, aint it, biatch? Sailor ponies gots a cold-ass lil curious dread of dis place. I don’t know why. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Some supastition--''

''Can’t peep it,'' remarked Rainhoof, tryin ta peer all up in tha dank tropical night dat was palpable as it pressed its thick warm blacknizz up in upon tha boat.

''You’ve phat eyes,'' holla'd Shade, wit a laugh, ''and I’ve peeped you pick off a moose movin up in tha brown fall bush at four hundred yardz yo, but even you can’t peep four milez or so all up in a moonless Equestrian night.''

''Nor four yards,'' admitted Rainhoof. ''Ugh! It’s like moist black velvet.''

''It is ghon be light up in Yanhooyer,'' promised Shade

''Our thugged-out asses should make it up in a gangbangin' few days. I hope tha glocks have come from a phat manufacturer. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Our thugged-out asses should have some phat huntin up in tha mountains. Great sport, hunting.''

''Da dopest shiznit up in whole Equestria!'' exfronted Rainhoof.

''For tha hunter,’’ amended Shade. ''Not fo' tha game.''

''Don’t rap rot, Shade,'' holla'd Rainhoof. ''You’re a funky-ass big-game hunter, not a philosopher. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Dum diddy-dum, here I come biaaatch! Who tha fuck cares how tha fuck tha muthafuckas feel?''

‘’Perhaps tha jaguar do,’’ observed Shade.

‘’Bah! They’ve no understanding.’’

‘’Even so, I rather be thinkin they understand one thing-fear. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Da fear of pain n' tha fear of dirtnap.’’

‘’Nonsense,’’ laughed Rainhoof. ‘’This bangin' weather is makin you soft, Shade. Be a realist. Da ghetto is made up of two classes-the huntas n' tha huntees. Luckily you n' I is tha hunters. Do you be thinkin we’ve passed dat island yet?’’

‘’I can’t tell up in tha dark. I hope so.’’

‘’Damn, Rainhoof, I wish our crazy asses had some magic or some wings so we can at least take a glizzle of this.’’Said Shade

‘’Why?’’ axed Rainhoof.

‘’Bout what, tha magic or tha island?’’

‘’Da island of coarse!"

‘’Da place has a reputation-a straight-up bad one.’’

‘’Cannibals?’’ suggested Rainhoof

‘’Hardly. Even cannibals wouldn’t live up in such a Celestiaforsaken place. But it’s gotten tha fuck into sailor lore, somehow. Didn’t you notice dat tha crew’s nerves seemed a funky-ass bit jumpy todizzle?’’

‘’They was a funky-ass bit strange, now dat you mention dat shit. Even Captain Ironhoof--‘’

‘’Yes, even dat tough - minded oldschool Ironhoof, who’d go up ta tha devil his dirty ass n' ask his ass fo' a light. Those fishy blue eyes held a look I never saw there before fo' realz. All I could git outta his ass was:

‘’This place has a evil name among seafarin ponies, sir’. Then da perved-out muthafucka holla'd ta me, straight-up gravely: ‘Don’t you feel anything?’-as if tha air bout our asses was muthafuckin poisonous. Now, you mustn’t laugh when I rap  this-I did feel somethang like a sudden chill all up in mah body.

‘’There was no breeze. Da sea was as flat as a plat-glass window. Our thugged-out asses was drawin near tha island then. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. What I felt was a…a menstrual chill, a sort of sudden dread.’’

‘’Pure imagination,’’ holla'd Rainhoof. ‘’One supastitious sailor can taint tha whole ship’s company wit his wild lil' fear.’’

‘’Maybe.  But sometimes I be thinkin sailors have a extra sense dat  drops some lyrics ta dem dat they is up in danger. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Sometimes I be thinkin evil be a tangible thing-with wavelengths, just a sound n' light have fo' realz. An evil place can, so ta speak, broadcast vibrationz of evil.

Anyhoo, I’m glad we’re gettin outta dis unit. Well, I be thinkin I’ll turn up in now, Rainhoof.’’

‘’I’m not chilly,’’ holla'd Rainhoof. ‘’I’m goin ta smoke another pipe on tha afterdeck.’’

‘’Goodnight, then, Rainhoof. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. See you at breakfast.’’ ‘’Right. Dope night, Shade.’’

_______________

There was no sound up in tha night as Rainhoof sat there but tha muffled throb of tha lil' small-ass electric propella dat drove tha boat swiftly all up in tha darkness, n' tha swish n' ripple of tha wash of tha propeller.

Rainhoof, reclinin up in a screwer chair, indolently puffed on his wild lil' straight-up brier. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Da sensuous drowsinizz of tha night was on his muthafuckin ass.   ''It’s so dark,’’ tha pimpin' muthafucka thought, ‘’that I could chill without closin mah eyes; tha night would be mah eyelids--''

An abrupt sound startled his muthafuckin ass. Off ta tha right dat schmoooove muthafucka heard it, n' his wild lil' fuckin ears, expert up in such matters, could not be mistaken. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch fo' realz. Again dat schmoooove muthafucka heard tha sound, n' again. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass.

Somewhere, off up in tha blackness, one of mah thugs had fired a glock three times.

Rainhoof sprang up n' moved quickly ta tha rail, mystified. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Dude strained his wild lil' fuckin eyes up in tha direction from which tha reports had come yo, but it was like tryin ta peep all up in a funky-ass blanket yo. Dude leapt upon tha rail n' balanced his dirty ass there, ta git pimped outer elevation; his thugged-out lil' pipe, strikin a rope, was knocked from his crazy-ass grill yo. Dude lunged fo' it; a short hoarse cry came from his fuckin lips as he realized dat schmoooove muthafucka had reached too far n' had lost his balance. Da cry was pinched off as tha blood-warm ocean wataz of Yanhooyer closed over his head. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka!

Dude struggled up ta tha surface n' tried ta cry up yo, but tha wash from tha speedin boat slapped his ass up in tha grill n' tha salt gin n juice up in his open grill mad his ass gag n' strangle. Desperately da perved-out muthafucka struck up wit phat strokes afta tha recedin lightz of tha boat yo, but da perved-out muthafucka stopped before dat schmoooove muthafucka had swum fifty feet fo' realz. A certain defheadnizz had come ta him; it was not tha straight-up original gangsta time dat schmoooove muthafucka had been up in a tight place. There was a cold-ass lil chizzle dat his cries could be heard by somepony aboard tha boat yo, but dat chizzle was slender n' grew mo' slender as tha boat raced on. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch yo. Dude wrestled his dirty ass outta his threadz n' shouted wit all his thugged-out lil' power. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Da lightz of tha boat became faint n' eva - vanishin fireflies; then they was blotted up entirely by tha night.

Rainhoof remembered tha shots. They had come from tha right, n' doggedly da perved-out muthafucka swam up in dat direction, swimmin wit a slow, deliberate strokes, conservin his strength. For a seemingly endless time he fought tha sea yo. Dude fuckin started ta count his strokes; his schmoooove ass could do possible a hundred mo' n' then- Rainhoof heard a sound. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! It came outta tha darkness, a high beatboxin sound, tha sound of a animal up in a extremitizzle of anguish n' terror.

Chapter 2

Da Island

Rainhoof did not recognized tha animal dat made dat wack sound; da ruffneck did not try to; wit fresh vitalitizzle da perved-out muthafucka swam toward tha sound. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Dude heard it again; then it was cut short by another noise, crisp, staccato.

‘’Pistol shot,’’ muttered Rainhoof, swimmin on.

Ten minutez of determined effort brought another sound ta his wild lil' floppy ears-da most thugged-out welcomin dat schmoooove muthafucka had eva heard-the mutterin n' growlin of tha sea breakin on a rocky shore yo. Dude was almost on tha rocks before da perved-out muthafucka saw them; on a night less calm da thug would done been shattered against em.

With his bangin remainin strength da ruffneck dragged his dirty ass from tha swirlin waters. Jagged crags rocked up ta jut tha fuck into tha opaquenizz yo. Dude forced his dirty ass upward, hoof over hoof. Gasping, his hooves raw, he reached a gangbangin' flat place all up in tha top. Dense jungle came down ta tha straight-up edge of tha cliffs.

What perils dat tangle of trees n' underbrush might hold fo' his ass did not concern Rainhoof just then. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch fo' realz. All he knew was dat da thug was safe from his wild lil' fierce enemy, tha sea, n' dat utter wearinizz was on his muthafuckin ass yo. Dude flung his dirty ass down all up in tha jungle edge n' tumbled headlong tha fuck into tha deepest chill of his fuckin life.

When he opened his wild lil' fuckin eyes he knew from tha posizzle of tha sun, it holla'd at his ass up in a menstrual way, dat it was late up in tha afternoon. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Sleep had given his ass freshly smoked up vigor; a sharp hunger was pickin at his muthafuckin ass yo. Dude looked bout him, almost cheerfully.

‘’Where there is pistol shots, there is definitely ponies somewhere, n' where there is ponies, there is chicken,’’ tha pimpin' muthafucka thought. But what tha fuck kind of ponies, da thug wondered, up in so forbiddin place, biatch? An unbroken front of snarled n' ragged jungle fringed tha shore yo. Dude saw no sign of a trail all up in tha closely knit of weedz n' trees; it was easier ta go along tha shore, n' Rainhoof floundered along by tha water. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Not far from dat schmoooove muthafucka had landed, da perved-out muthafucka stopped.

Some wounded thing, by tha evidence a big-ass animal, had thrashed bout up in tha underbrush; tha jungle weedz was crushed down n' tha moss was lacerated; one patch of weedz was stained crimson. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch fo' realz. A small, glitterin object not far away caught Rainhoof’s eye n' he picked it up. It was a empty cartridge.

‘’A twenty- two,’’ he remarked. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! ‘’That’s odd. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! It must done been a gangbangin' fairly big-ass animal too. Da hunter had his nerve wit his ass ta tackle it wit a light gun. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. It’s clear dat tha brute put up a gangbangin' fight. I suppose tha straight-up original gangsta three shots I heard was when tha hunter flushed his quarry n' wounded dat shit. Da last blasted was when tha pimpin' muthafucka trailed it here n' finished dat shit.’’

Dude examined tha ground closely n' found what tha fuck dat schmoooove muthafucka hoped ta find… tha print of huntin boots. They pointed along tha cliff up in tha direction dat schmoooove muthafucka had been going. Eagerly dat schmoooove muthafucka hurried along, now slippin on a rotten log or a loose stone yo, but makin headway; night was beginnin ta settle down on tha island. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka!  Bleak darknizz was blackin up tha sea n' jungle when Rainhoof sighted tha lights yo. Dude came upon dem as tha pimpin' muthafucka turned a cold-ass lil crook up in tha coastline, n' his wild lil' first thought was dat dat schmoooove muthafucka had came upon a hood, fo' there was nuff lights. But as he forged along, da perved-out muthafucka saw ta his wild lil' freakadelic pimped out astonishment dat all tha lights was up in one enormous building-a lofty structure wit pointed towers plungin upward tha gloom yo. His greenish eyes made up tha shadowy outlinez of a palatial ghetto house; it was set on a high bluff, n' on three sidez of it cliffs dived down ta where tha sea licked greedy lips up in tha shadows.

‘’Mirage,’’ thought Rainhoof. But it was no mirage, he found, when he opened tha tall spiked iron gate. Da stone steps was real enough; tha massive door wit a leanin gargoyle fo' a knocker was real enough; yet bout it all hung a air of unrealitizzle yo. Dude lifted tha knocker, n' it creaked up stiffly, as if it had never been used. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Dude let it fall fo' realz. And it startled his ass wit a funky-ass boomin loudnizz yo. Dude thought dat schmoooove muthafucka heard steps within; tha door remained closed. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Again Rainhoof lifted tha heavy knocker n' let it fall. Da door opened as suddenly as if it was on a spring, n' Rainhoof stood blinkin up in tha river of glarin gold light poured out.

Da first thang Rainhoof’s eyes discerned was tha phattest stallion Rainhoof had eva seen…a gigantic creature, solidly made n' black-bearded ta tha waist. In his hoof tha stallion held a long-barreled revolver, n' da thug was pointin it straight at Rainhoof’s head.

Chapter 3

Da Oldskool Hunter n' tha New Prey

Out of his snarl of beard two lil' small-ass eyes regarded Rainhoof. ‘’Don’t be alarmed,’’ holla'd Rainhoof, wit a smile which dat schmoooove muthafucka hoped was disarming. ‘’I’m no robber. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. I fell off a funky-ass boat. I be a gangsta yo, but y'all knew dat n' hoes call me Ranger Rainhoof of Yanhooyer.’’

Da menacin look up in tha eyes did not chizzle. Da revolver pointed as rigidly as if tha giant was a statue yo. Dude gave no sign dat he understood Rainhoof’s lyrics or dat dat schmoooove muthafucka had even heard em yo. Dude was dressed up in uniform, a funky-ass black uniform, coverin his cutie mark; it was trimmed wit gray fur of dead muthafuckas.

‘’I’m Ranger Rainhoof of Yanhooyer,’’ Rainhoof fuckin started again. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. ‘’ I fell off a funky-ass boat. I be hungry.’’

Da big-ass stallion’s only answer was ta raise his other front hoof ta tha hammer of his bangin revolver. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Then Rainhoof saw tha stallion’s hoof git all up in his wild lil' forehead up in a military salute, n' da perved-out muthafucka saw his ass click his hind hairy-ass legs together n' stand at attention. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch fo' realz. Another pony was trottin down tha broad marble steps, a erect, slender stallion up in evenin threadz yo. Dude advanced ta Rainhoof n' held up his hoof.

In a cold-ass lil cultivated voice marked by a slight accent dat gave it added precision n' deliberateness, da perved-out muthafucka holla'd ‘’ It be a straight-up pimped out pleasure n' honor ta welcome Mista Muthafuckin Ranger Rainhoof, tha bigged up hunter, ta mah home.''

Automatically Rainhoof shook tha pony’s hoof.

‘’I’ve read yo' book bout huntin snow leopardz up in tha Crystal Mountains, you see,’’ explained tha big-ass pony. ‘’I’m General Red’’

Rainhoof’s first impression was dat tha pony was singularly handsome; his second was dat there was a original, almost bizarre qualitizzle of tha general’s grill yo. Dude was a tall stallion past middle age, fo' his crazy-ass mane was a vivid white; but his cold-ass thick eyebrows n' pointed military moustache was as black as tha night from which Rainhoof had come yo.

His eyes, too, was black n' straight-up bright yo. Dude had high cheekbones, a sharp-cut nose, a spare, a thugged-out dark face, a gangbangin' grill of a pony used ta givin orders, tha grill of a aristocrat. Turnin ta tha giant up in uniform, tha general done cooked up a sign.

Da giant put away his thugged-out lil' pistol, saluted, withdrew. ‘’Bern be a incredibly phat fellow,’’ remarked tha general, ‘’but dat schmoooove muthafucka has tha misfortune ta be deaf n' dumb fo' realz. A simple fellow yo, but, I’m afraid, like all his bangin race, a funky-ass bit of a savage.’’

‘’Is he Applez Loosian?’’ guessed Rainhoof.

‘’Yes,’’ holla'd tha general, n' his smile flossed red lips n' pointed teeth. ‘’So be I.

‘’Come,’’ da perved-out muthafucka holla'd,’’ we shouldn’t be chattin here. Our thugged-out asses can rap later. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Now you want clothes, chicken, rest. Yo ass shall have em. This be a most restful spot.’’

Bern had rerocked up, n' tha general was rappin ta his ass wit lips dat moved but gave forth no sound. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! ‘’Big up Bern, if you please, Mista MuthafuckinRainhoof,’’ holla'd tha general. It aint nuthin but tha nick nack patty wack, I still gots tha bigger sack. ‘’I was bout ta have mah dinner when you came. I’ll wait fo' yo thugged-out ass. You’ll find dat mah threadz will fit you, I think.’’

It was ta a huge, beam-ceilinged bedroom wit a cold-ass lil canopies bed big-ass enough fo' six ponies dat Rainhoof followed tha silent giant. Bern laid up a evenin suit, n' Rainhoof, as he put it on, noticed dat it came from a Manehatten tailor whoz ass ordinarily cut n' sewed fo' none below a rank of duke.

Da dinin room ta which Bern conducted his ass was up in nuff ways remarkable. There was a medieval magnificence bout it; it suggested a funky-ass baronial hall of feudal times, wit its oaken panels, its high ceiling, its vast refectory table where two score-ponies could sit down ta smoke fo' realz. Bout tha hall was tha mounted headz of nuff muthafuckas-lions, tigers, elephants, moose, bears; larger or mo' slick specimens Rainhoof had never seen. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch fo' realz. At tha pimped out table tha general was chillin, ridin' solo.

‘’You’ll gots a hard cider, Mista Muthafuckin Rainhoof,’’ da perved-out muthafucka suggested. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! This type'a shizzle happens all tha time. Da cider was surpassingly good; and, Rainhoof noticed, tha table appointments waz of tha finest… tha linen, tha crystal tha silver, tha accessories.

They was smokin borsht, tha rich red soup wit sour cream so dear ta Applez Loosa palates yo. Half apologetically General Red holla'd: ‘’Our thugged-out asses do our dopest ta preserve tha amenitizzlez of civilization here. Please forgive any lapses. Our thugged-out asses is well off tha beaten track, you know, nahmeean, biatch? Do you be thinkin tha champagne has suffered from its long ocean trip?’’

‘’Not up in tha least,’’ declared Rainhoof yo. Dude was findin tha general a most thoughtful n' affable host, a legit cosmopolite. But there was one lil' small-ass trait of tha general’s dat made Rainhoof uncomfortable. Whenever he looked up his thugged-out lil' plate he found tha general studyin him, appraisin his ass narrowly.

‘’Perhaps,’’ holla'd General Red,’’ you was surprised dat I recognized yo' name. Yo ass see, I read all books on huntin published on Equestrian, n' nuff other internationistic languages. I have but one boner up in mah life, Mista Muthafuckin Rainhoof, n' it is tha hunt.’’

‘’Yo ass have some straight-up dope headz here,’’ holla'd Rainhoof as he ate a particularly well-cooked filet mignon. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. '‘That Cape buffalo is tha phattest I eva saw.’’

‘’Oh, dat fellow. Yes, da thug was a monster.’’

‘’Did his schmoooove ass charge yo slick ass?’’

‘’Hurled mah crazy ass against a tree,’’ holla'd tha general. It aint nuthin but tha nick nack patty wack, I still gots tha bigger sack. ‘’Fractured mah skull. But I gots tha brute.’’

‘’I’ve always thought,’’ holla'd Rainhoof, ‘’that Cape buffalo is da most thugged-out fucked up of all big-ass game.’’

For a moment tha general did not reply; da thug was smilin his curious red-lipped smile. Then da perved-out muthafucka holla'd slowly:

‘’No. Yo ass is wrong, sir. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Da Cape buffalo aint da most thugged-out fucked up game.’’ Dude sipped his wine. ‘’Here up in mah preserve on dis island,’’ da perved-out muthafucka holla'd up in tha slow tone, ‘’I hunt mo' fucked up game.’’ Rainhoof expressed his surprise. ‘’Is there big-ass game on dis island?’ Da general nodded

‘’Da freshest.’’

‘’Straight-Up’’

‘’Oh, it aint naturally, of course. I have ta stock tha island.’’

‘’What have you imported, general?’’ Rainhoof axed. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! ‘’Tigers?’’

Da general smiled. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! ‘’No,’’ da perved-out muthafucka holla'd. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! ‘’huntin tigers ceased ta interest me muthafuckin years ago. I exhausted they possibilities, you see. No thrill left up in tigers, no real danger. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. I live fo' dander, Mista Muthafuckin Rainhoof.’’

Da general took from his thugged-out lil' pocket a gold blunt case n' offered his wild lil' freakadelic hommie a long-ass black blunt wit a silver tip; it was perfumed n' gave off a smell like incense.

‘’Our thugged-out asses will have some capital hunting, you n' I,’’ holla'd tha general. It aint nuthin but tha nick nack patty wack, I still gots tha bigger sack. ‘’I shall be most glad ta have yo' society.’’

‘’But what tha fuck game-‘’ fuckin started Rainhoof

‘’I’ll rap ,’’ holla'd tha general. It aint nuthin but tha nick nack patty wack, I still gots tha bigger sack. ‘’Yo ass is ghon be amused, I know, nahmeean, biatch? I be thinkin I may say, up in all modesty, dat I have done a rare thing. I have invented a freshly smoked up sensation. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. May I pour you another glass of ‘cider’, Mista Muthafuckin Rainhoof. ?’’

‘’Nuff props, general.’’

Da general filled both glasses n' holla'd: ‘’ Celestia cook up some fuckin ponies poets. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Some Biatch make kinds, some beggars. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Biatch made me a hunter. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. I be a gangsta yo, but y'all knew dat n' mah hoof was made fo' tha trigger, mah daddy holla'd. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Dude was a straight-up rich man, wit a quarter of mazillion acres up in tha Unicorn Range, although da thug wasn’t a unicorn, da thug was a pimped out bidnizz stallion. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. When I was a lil colt, he gave me a lil gun, specially made up in Manehatten fo' me, ta blast sparrows with. When I blasted a shitload of his thugged-out lil' prize turkeys wit it, da ruffneck did not punish me; his schmoooove ass complimented mah crazy ass on mah marksmanship. I capped mah first bear up in tha Everfree Forest when I was ten. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. I be a gangsta yo, but y'all knew dat n' mah whole thuglife has been one prolonged hunt. I went tha fuck into tha army-it was expected of tha noblepony’s sons-and fo' a time commanded a thugged-out division of specialized guardz yo, but mah real interest was always tha hunt. I have hunted every last muthafuckin kind of game up in every last muthafuckin land. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! It would be impossible fo' me ta rap  how tha fuck nuff muthafuckas I have capped.’’ Da general puffed at his blunt.

‘’After tha debacle up in Applez Loosa, I left tha town, fo' it was imprudent fo' a officer of tha rank ta stay there, so peek-a-boo, clear tha way, I be comin' thru fo'sho. Naturally, I continued tha hunt-grizzlez up in tha Macintosh Hills, crocodilez up in tha Horse Shoe Bizzle, manticores up in tha Eastside. It was near San Palomino desert dat a giant buffalo hit me n' laid mah crazy ass up fo' six months fo' realz. As soon as I recovered I started fo' tha Everfree forest ta hunt jaguars, fo' I had heard they was unusually cunning. They weren’t.’’ Da general sighed. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! ‘’They was no match at all fo' a hunter wit his wits bout his ass n' a high powered rifle. I was bitterly pissed tha fuck off. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! This type'a shizzle happens all tha time. I was lyin up in mah tent wit a splittin headache one night when a terrible thought pushed its way tha fuck into mah mind. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Huntin was beginnin ta bore me biaaatch! And hunting, remember, had been mah life. I have heard dat up in some partz of Equestria bidnizzponies often git all up in pieces when they give up tha bidnizz dat has been they life.’’

‘’Yes, that’s so,’’ holla'd Rainhoof.

Da general smiled. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! ‘’I had no wish ta git all up in pieces,’’ da perved-out muthafucka holla'd. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! ‘’I must do something. Now, mine be a analytical mind, Mista Muthafuckin Rainhoof. Doubtless dat is why I smoke up tha problemz of tha chase.’’

‘’No doubt, General Red.’’

‘’So,’’ tha general continued, ‘’ I ask mah dirty ass why tha hunt no longer fascinizzled mah dirty ass. Yo ass is much lil'er than I am, Mista Muthafuckin Rainhoof, n' aint hunted as much yo, but you like can guess tha answer.’’

‘’What was it?’’

‘’Simple this: Huntin had ceased ta be what tha fuck you call a sportin proposition. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. It had become too easy as fuck . I always git mah prey fo' realz. Always. There is no pimped outer bore than perfection.’’ Da general lit a gangbangin' fresh blunt.

‘’No animal had a cold-ass lil chizzle wit me anymore. That is no boast; it aint nuthin but a mathematical certainty. Da animal had not a god damn thang but his hairy-ass legs n' his crazy-ass muthafuckin instinct. Instinct is no match fo' reason. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. When I thought of this, it was a tragic moment fo' me, I can tell yo thugged-out ass.’’ Rainhoof leaned across tha table, absorbed up in what tha fuck his host was saying.

‘’It came ta me as a inspiration what tha fuck I must do,’’ tha general went on.

‘’And dat was?’’

Da general smiled tha on tha down-low smile of tha one whoz ass has faced a obstacle n' surmounted it wit success. ‘’I had ta invent a freshly smoked up animal ta hunt,’’ da perved-out muthafucka holla'd.

‘’A freshly smoked up animal, biatch? You’re clownin,’’ holla'd Rainhoof wit confusion.

‘’Not all,’’ holla'd tha general. It aint nuthin but tha nick nack patty wack, I still gots tha bigger sack. ‘’I never joke bout hunting. I needed a freshly smoked up animal. It aint nuthin but tha nick nack patty wack, I still gots tha bigger sack. I found one. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. So I found dis island, built dis house, n' here I do mah hunting. Da island is slick fo' mah purposes-there is junglez wit a maze of trials up in them, hills, swamps-‘’

‘’But tha animal, General Red?’’

‘’Oh,’’ holla'd tha general, ‘’it supplies me wit da most thugged-out excitin huntin up in whole of Equestria. No other huntin compares wit it fo' a instant. Every dizzle I hunt, n' I never grow buggin up now, fo' I gots a prey which I can match mah wits.’’ Rainhoof’s bewilderment flossed up in his wild lil' face.

‘’I wanted tha ideal animal ta hunt,’’ explained tha general. It aint nuthin but tha nick nack patty wack, I still gots tha bigger sack. ‘’So I holla'd: ‘What is tha attributez of a ideal prey?’ And tha answer was, of course: ‘It must have courage, cunning, and, above all, it must be able ta reason.’ ‘’

‘’But no animal can reason,’’ objected Rainhoof.

‘’I be a gangsta yo, but y'all knew dat n' mah dear fellow,’’ holla'd tha general, ‘’there is one dat can.’’

‘’But you can’t mean-‘’ gasped Rainhoof.

‘’And why not?’’

‘’I can’t believe yo ass is serious, General Red. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! This be a grisly joke.’’

‘’Why wouldn’t I not be trippin like a muthafucka, biatch? I be bustin lyricz of hunting.’’

‘’Hunting, biatch? Dope Celestia, General Red, what tha fuck you drop a rhyme iz of murder.’’ Da general laughed wit entire phat nature yo. Dude regarded Rainhoof quizzically. ‘’I refuse ta believe dat so modern n' civilized a lil' colt as you seem ta be harbors horny-ass ideas bout tha value of pony life. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Surely yo' experienced up in tha war-‘’

‘’Did not make me excuse coldblooded murder,’’ finished Rainhoof stiffly.

Laughter shook tha general.’’ How tha fuck extraordinarily droll yo ass is!’’ da perved-out muthafucka holla'd. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! ‘’One do not expect nowadays ta find a lil' colt of tha educated class, even up in Equestria, wit such a naïve, and, if I may say so, it’s like findin a snuffbox up in a thugged-out dirty road. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Ah, well, doubtless you had pure ancestors. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. So nuff Equestrians step tha fuck up ta had.

Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! I’ll wager you’ll forget yo' notions when you go huntin wit mah dirty ass. You’ve a genuine freshly smoked up thrill up in store fo' you, Mista MuthafuckinRainhoof.’’

‘’Nuff props, I’m a hunter, not a murderer.’’

‘’Dear me,’’ holla'd tha general, like calm, ‘’again dat unpleasant word. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! But I be thinkin I can sheezy you dat yo' scruplez is like ill-founded.’’

‘’Yes?’’

‘’Life is fo' tha strong, ta be lived by tha strong, n' if needed be, taken by tha strong. Da weak of tha ghetto was put here ta give tha phat pleasure. I be strong. Why should I not bust mah gift, biatch? If I wish ta hunt, why should I not, biatch? I hunt tha scum of dis ghetto-sailors from tramp ships-more sailors, intruders, n' robbers.

‘’But they is all ponies,’’ holla'd Rainhoof hotly.

‘’Precisely,’’ holla'd tha general. It aint nuthin but tha nick nack patty wack, I still gots tha bigger sack. ‘’That is why I bust em.

It gives me pleasure. They can reason, afta a gangbangin' fashion. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. So they is dangerous.’’

‘’But where do you git them?’’

Da general’s left eyelid fluttered down up in a wink. ‘’This island is called Lost-Hooves,’’ he answered. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! ‘’sometimes

an supa pissed god of tha high seas sendz dem ta mah dirty ass. Come ta tha window wit me’’

Rainhoof went ta tha window n' looked up toward tha sea.

‘’Watch! Out there!’’ exfronted tha general, pointin tha fuck into tha night. Rainhoof’s eyes saw only blackness, n' then, as tha general pressed a funky-ass button, far up ta sea Rainhoof saw tha flash of tha lights.

Da general chuckled. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! ‘’They indicate a cold-ass lil channel,’’ da perved-out muthafucka holla'd, ‘’where there’s none; giant rocks wit razor edges crouch like a sea monsta wit wide-open jaws. They can crush a shizzle as easily as I crush dis nut.’’ Dude dropped a walnut on tha hardwood floor n' brought his hoof grindin down on dat shit. ‘’Oh, yes,’’ da perved-out muthafucka holla'd, casually, as if up in answer ta a question, ‘’I have electricity. Our thugged-out asses try ta be civilized here.’’

‘’Civilized, biatch? And you blast down ponies?!?’’

A trace of anger was up in tha general’s black eyes yo, but it was there fo' but a second, n' da perved-out muthafucka holla'd, up in his crazy-ass most pleasant manner: ‘’Dear me, what tha fuck a righteous colt yo ass is biaaatch! I assure you I do not do tha thang you suggest, dat would be barbarous. I treat these visitors wit every last muthafuckin consideration. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. They git nuff phat chicken n' exercise. They git tha fuck into splendid physical condition. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Yo ass shall peep fo' yo ass tomorrow.’’

‘’What do you mean?’’

‘’We’ll git on over ta mah hustlin school,’’ smiled tha general. It aint nuthin but tha nick nack patty wack, I still gots tha bigger sack. ‘’It’s up in tha cellar. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. I have on some thugged-out dozen pupils down there now, nahmeean, biatch? They’re from tha Smokey Mountain area; they had bad luck ta go on tha rocks up there now fo' realz. A straight-up inferior lot, I regret ta say. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Skanky specimens n' mo' accustomed ta tha deck than ta tha jungle.’’

Dude raised his hand, n' Bern, whoz ass served as waiter, brought pure coffee. Rainhoof, wit a effort, held his cold-ass tongue up in check.

‘’It’s a game, you peep ,’’ pursued tha general blandly. ‘’I suggest ta one of dem dat we go hunting. I give his ass a supply of chicken n' a pimpin huntin knife. I give his ass three hours’ start. I be ta follow, armed only wit a pistol of tha smallest caliber n' range. If mah quarry eludes me fo' three whole days, da thug wins tha game. If I find him’’-the general smiled-‘’he loses.’’

Chapter 4

Da Devilz Game

‘’Suppose he refuses ta be hunted?’’, holla'd Rainhoof up in confusion.

‘’Oh,’’ holla'd tha general, ‘’I give his ass his option, of course yo. Dude need not play dat game if da ruffneck don’t wish to. If da ruffneck do not wish ta hunt, I turn his ass over ta Bern. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Bern once had tha honor of servin as straight-up legit knouter up in tha army, n' dat schmoooove muthafucka has his own ideaz of 'business'. Invariably, Mista Muthafuckin Rainhoof, invariably they chizzle tha hunt.’’

‘’And if they win?’’

Da smile on tha general’s grill widened. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! ‘’To date I aint lost,’’ da perved-out muthafucka holla'd.

Then he added, hastily: ‘’I don’t wish you ta be thinkin me a funky-ass braggart, Mista Muthafuckin Rainhoof. Many of dem afford only da most thugged-out elementary sort of problem. One of dem almost did win. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. I eventually had ta bust tha dawgs.’’

‘’Da dawgs?’’

‘’This way,. Biiiatch please.I’ll sheezy yo thugged-out ass.’’

Da general steered Rainhoof ta a window. Da lights from tha windows busted a gangbangin' flickerin illumination dat made grotesque patterns on tha courtyard below, n' Rainhoof could peep movin bout there a thugged-out dozen or so big-ass black shapes; as they turned toward him, they big-ass yellow eyes glittered gently.

‘’A rather phat lot, I think,’’ observed tha general. It aint nuthin but tha nick nack patty wack, I still gots tha bigger sack. ‘’They is let up at seven every last muthafuckin night. If mah playas dares try ta git tha fuck into mah house----or outta it---somethang mad regrettable would occur ta his muthafuckin ass.’’

‘’And now,’’ holla'd tha general, ‘’I wanna sheezy you mah freshly smoked up collection of heads. Will you come wit me ta tha library?’’

‘’I hope,’’ holla'd Rainhoof, ‘’that yo big-ass booty is ghon excuse me tonight, General Red. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! I’m not straight-up feelin at all well.’’

‘’Ah, indeed?’’ tha general inquired solicitously. ‘’Well, I suppose that’s only natural, afta yo' long swim. Yo ass need a good, restful night’s chill. Tomorrow you’ll feel like a freshly smoked up man, I’ll wager. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Then our crazy asses hunt, eh, biatch? I’ve one rather promisin prospect---‘’

Rainhoof was hurryin from tha room.

‘’Sorry you can’t go wit me tonight, ‘’ called tha general. It aint nuthin but tha nick nack patty wack, I still gots tha bigger sack. ‘’I expect rather fair sport-a big, phat black yo. Dude looks

resourceful-Well, phat night, Mista Muthafuckin Rainhoof; I hope you gots a phat night’s chill.

Da bed was phat n' tha pajamaz of tha softest silk, n' da thug was chillaxed up in every last muthafuckin fiber of his bein yo, but nevertheless Rainhoof could not on tha down-low his dome wit tha opiate of chill yo. Dude laid, eyes wide open. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Once tha pimpin' muthafucka thought dat schmoooove muthafucka heard stealthy steps up in tha corridor outside his bangin room yo. Dude sought ta throw open tha door; it would not open. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch yo. Dude went ta tha window and

looked up yo. His room was high up in one of tha towers. Da light of tha ghetto doggy den was up now, n' it was dark and

silent yo, but there was a gangbangin' fragment of sallow moon. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch fo' realz. And by its wan light his schmoooove ass could see, dimly, tha courtyard; there, weavin up in n' up in tha patter of shadow, was black, noiseless forms; tha houndz heard his ass all up in tha window n' looked up, expectantly, wit they huge, yellow eyes. Rainhoof went back ta tha bed n' lay down. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. By nuff methodz tha pimpin' muthafucka tried ta put his dirty ass ta chill yo. Dude had achieved a thugged-out doze when, just as mornin fuckin started ta come, dat schmoooove muthafucka heard, far off up in tha dense jungle, tha faint report of a pistol.

General Red did not step tha fuck up until luncheon. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch yo. Dude was dressed faultlessly up in tha tweedz of a cold-ass lil ghetto squire.  Dude was solicitous bout tha state of Rainhoof’s game.

‘’As fo' me,’’ holla'd tha general, ‘’I do not feel so well. I be worried, Mista Muthafuckin Rainhoof. Last night I detected tracez of mah oldschool complaint.’’

To Rainhoof’s dissin glizzle tha general holla'd: ‘’Ennui. Boredom.’’

Then, takin a second muthafuckin helpin of pancakes, then tha general explained: ‘’Da huntin was not phat last night. Da fellow lost his head. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Dude done cooked up a straight trail dat offered no problems at all. That’s tha problems wit these sailors; they have dull domes ta begin with, n' they do not know how tha fuck ta git bout tha woods. It’s most buggin. Will you have another glass of water, Mista Muthafuckin Rainhoof?’’

‘’General,’’ holla'd Rainhoof firmly, ‘’I wish ta leave dis island at once.’’

Da general raised his cold-ass thicketz of eyebrows; da perved-out muthafucka seemed hurt. ‘’But mah dear fellow,’’ tha general protested, ‘’you’ve only just come. You’ve had no hunting…’’

‘’I wish ta go todizzle,’’ holla'd Rainhoof yo. Dude saw tha dead black eyez of tha general on him, studyin his muthafuckin ass. General Red’s grill suddenly brightened. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Dude filled Rainhoof’s glass wit venerable pure gin n juice from a thugged-out dusty forty.

‘’Tonight,’’ holla'd tha general,’’ we will hunt…you n' I.’’

Rainhoof shook his head. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! ‘’Fuck dat shit, he general,’’ da perved-out muthafucka holla'd, slammin his hoof on tha table, ‘’I aint gonna hunt.’’

Da general shrugged n' delicately ate a hothouse grape. ‘’As you wish, mah playa,’’ da perved-out muthafucka holla'd. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! ‘’Da chizzle rests entirely wit yo thugged-out ass. But may I not venture ta suggest dat yo big-ass booty is ghon find mah idea of shiznit mo' entertainin than Bern’s?’’ Dude nodded toward tha corner where tha giant stood.

‘’Yo ass don’t mean...’’ cried Rainhoof.

‘’I be a gangsta yo, but y'all knew dat n' mah dear fellow,’’ holla'd tha general,’’ have I not holla'd at you…that I always mean what tha fuck I say about-hunting, biatch? This is straight-up a inspiration. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. I drank ta a gangbangin' foepony worthy of mah steel-at last.’’

Da general raised his wild lil' freakadelic glass yo, but Rainhoof sat, starin at his muthafuckin ass.

‘’Yo ass will find dis game worthy playing,’’ tha general holla'd enthusiastically. ‘’Yo Crazy-Ass dome against mine. Yo Crazy-Ass woodcraft against mine. Yo Crazy-Ass strength n' stamina against mine. Yo Crazy-Ass determination against mine. Outdoor chess muthafucka! And tha stake aint without value, eh?’’

‘’And if I win-‘’ Rainhoof fuckin started huskily.

‘’I’ll cheerfully acknowledge mah dirty ass defeated if I do not find you by midnight of tha third day,’’ holla'd General Red. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! ‘’I be a gangsta yo, but y'all knew dat n' mah sloop will place you one tha mainland near 10 milez from here.’’

Da general read what tha fuck Rainhoof was thankin.

‘’Oh, you can trust me,’’ holla'd tha general, as da thug was pourin a cold-ass lil cup of wine.

‘’I will give you mah word. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Of course you, up in turn, must smoke ta say not a god damn thang of yo' git on over ta here.’’

‘’I’ll smoke ta not a god damn thang of tha kind,’’ holla'd Rainhoof.

‘’Oh,’’ holla'd tha general, ‘’in dat case-But why say shit bout dat now, biatch? Three minutes hence we can say shit bout it over a funky-ass forty of phat ol’ wine, unless…’’

Da general sipped his wine.

Then a funky-ass bidnizzlike air animated his muthafuckin ass. ‘’Bern,’’ da perved-out muthafucka holla'd ta Rainhoof, ‘’will supply you wit huntin clothes, chicken, a knife. I suggest you wear leather boots; they leave a poorer trail. I suggest too dat you avoid tha big-ass swamp up in tha southwest corner of tha island. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Our thugged-out asses call it Dirtnap Swamp. There’s quicksand there, so peek-a-boo, clear tha way, I be comin' thru fo'sho. One foolish fellow tried dat shit. Da regrettable part of it dat another fellow followed his muthafuckin ass. Yo ass can imagine mah vibe, Mista Muthafuckin Rainhoof. I loved him; da thug was tha finest hound up in mah pack. Well, I must beg you ta excuse me now, nahmeean, biatch? I always chill afta lunch. You’ll hardly have time fo' a nap, I fear. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. You’ll wanna start, no diggity. I shall not follow till dusk yo. Huntin at night is so much excitin than by day, don’t you think, biatch? Mista Muthafuckin Rainhoof, peace out.’’

General Red, wit a thugged-out deep, courtly bow, strolled from tha room.

From another door came Bern. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. In dis both front hooves his schmoooove ass carried a funky-ass brown - leather- jacket, a funky-ass blue sweatband, a haversack of chicken, a leather sheath containin a big-ass huntin knife; n' on his crazy-ass grill a cold-ass lil cocked revolver waitin fo' it ta be shoot…

Chapter  5

Da Game Starts

Rainhoof had fought his way, all up in tha bush fo' two hours. ‘’I must keep mah nerve. I must keep mah nerve,’’ da perved-out muthafucka holla'd all up in tight teeth yo. Dude had not been entirely clearheaded when tha long house’s gates snapped shut behind his muthafuckin ass yo. His whole idea was ta put distizzle between his dirty ass n' General Red, and, ta dis end, dat schmoooove muthafucka had plunged along, spurred on by tha sharp rowelz of somethang straight-up like panic. Now dat schmoooove muthafucka had gots a grip on his dirty ass, had stopped, n' was takin stock of his dirty ass n' tha situation. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch yo. Dude saw dat straight flight was futile; inevitably it would brang his ass grill ta grill wit tha sea yo. Dude was up in picture wit a gangbangin' frame of water, n' his operations, clearly, must take place within dat frame.

‘’I’ll give his ass a trail ta follow,’’ muttered Rainhoof, n' da perved-out muthafucka struck off from tha harsh paths dat schmoooove muthafucka had been followin tha fuck into tha trackless wildernizz yo. Dude executed a seriez of intricate loops; da ruffneck doubled on his cold-ass trail again n' again n' again n' again, recallin all tha lore of tha fox hunt n' all tha dodgez of tha fox. Night found his ass hoof-weary, wit hooves n' grill lashed by tha branches, on a thickly wooded ridge yo. Dude knew it would be crazy ta blunder on all up in tha dark, even if dat schmoooove muthafucka had tha strength yo. His need fo' rest was imperatizzle n' tha pimpin' muthafucka thought: ‘’I have played tha fox; now I must play tha pussaaaaay of tha fable.’’ A big-ass tree wit a thick trunk n' outspread branches was nearby, n' takin care ta leave not tha slightest mark, his schmoooove ass climbed up tha fuck into a cold-ass lil crotch n' stretchin up on one of tha broad limbs, afta a gangbangin' fashion, rested. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! This type'a shizzle happens all tha time. Rest brought his ass freshly smoked up confidence n' almost a gangbangin' feelin of security. Even so zealous a hunter as General Red could not trace his ass there, tha pimpin' muthafucka holla'd at his dirty ass; only tha devil his dirty ass could follow dat fucked up trail all up in tha jungle afta dark. But, like, tha general was a thugged-out devil---

An apprehensive night crawled slowly by like a wounded snake, n' chill did not git on over ta Rainhoof, although tha silence of a thugged-out dead ghetto was on tha dense, big-ass jungle. Toward morning, when a thugged-out dingy gray was varnishin tha sky, tha cry of some startled bird focused Rainhoof’s attention up in dat direction. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Somethang was comin all up in tha bush, comin slowly, carefully, comin by tha same stupid-ass windin way Rainhoof had come yo. Dude flattened his dirty ass down on tha limb, n' all up in a screen of leaves almost as thick as tapestry, da thug watched. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Da thang dat was approachin was a big-ass dark figure.

It was General Red. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Dude made his way along wit his wild lil' fuckin eyes fixed up in utmost concentration on tha ground before his muthafuckin ass yo. Dude paused, almost beneath tha tree, dropped ta his knees n' studied tha ground. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Rainhoof’s impulse was ta hurl his dirty ass down yo, but da perved-out muthafucka saw tha general’s right hoof held somethang metallic-a lil' small-ass automatic pistol.

Da hunter shook his head nuff muthafuckin times, as if da thug was puzzled. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Then da perved-out muthafucka straightened up n' took from his case one of his black blunts; its pungent incenselike smoke floated up ta Rainhoof’s nostrils. Rainhoof held his breath. Da general’s eyes had left tha ground n' was travelin inch by inch up tha tree. Rainhoof froze there, every last muthafuckin muscle tensed fo' a spring. But tha sharp eyez of tha hunter stopped before they reached tha limb where Rainhoof lay; a smile spread over his white face. Straight-up deliberately his thugged-out lil' punk-ass blew a smoke rang up in tha air; then tha pimpin' muthafucka turned his back on tha tree n' trotted  carelessly away, back along tha trail dat schmoooove muthafucka had come. Da swish of tha underbrush against his huntin boots grew fainter n' fainter.

Then pent-up air burst hotly from Rainhoof’s lungs yo. His first thought made his ass sick n' numb. Da general could follow a trail all up in tha woodz at night; his schmoooove ass could follow a mad hard as fuck trail; he must have supanatural powers; only by tha merest chizzle had tha General failed ta peep his thugged-out lil' prey.

Rainhoof’s second thought was even mo' terrible. It busted a shudder of cold horror all up in his whole being. Why had tha general smiled, biatch? Why had tha pimpin' muthafucka turned back?

Rainhoof did not wanna believe what tha fuck his bangin reason holla'd at his ass was true yo, but tha truth was as evident as tha sun dat had by now pushed all up in tha mornin mists. Da general was playin wit him! Da general was savin his ass fo' another day’s shiznit son! Da General was tha cat; da thug was tha mouse. Then it was dat Rainhoof knew tha full meanin of terror.

‘’I aint gonna lose mah nerve. I will not.’’

Dude slid down from tha tree n' struck off again n' again n' again tha fuck into tha woodz yo. His grill was set n' he forced tha machinery of his crazy-ass mind ta function. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Three hundred yardz from his hidin place da perved-out muthafucka stopped where a big-ass dead tree leaned precariously on a smalla livin one. Throwin off his sack of chicken, Rainhoof took his knife from tha sheath, which was attached ta one of his wild lil' front hooves, his thugged-out lil' punk-ass fuckin started ta work wit all his crazy-ass mighty juice.

Da thang was finished at last, n' tha pimpin' muthafucka threw his dirty ass down behind a gangbangin' fallen log a hundred feet away yo. Dude did not have ta wait long. Da pussaaaaay was comin again n' again n' again ta play wit tha mouse.

Peepin tha trail wit tha surenizz of a funky-ass bloodhound cam General Red. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Nothang escaped dem searchin black eyes, no crushed blade of grass, no bent twig, no mark no matter how tha fuck faint, up in tha moss. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. So intent was tha tall general on his stalkin dat da thug was upon tha thang Rainhoof had made before da perved-out muthafucka saw it yo. His foot touched tha protrudin bough dat was tha trigger. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Even as tha pimpin' muthafucka touched it, tha general sensed his fuckin lil' dark shizzle n' leapt back wit tha agilitizzle of a ape. But da thug was not like quick enough; tha dead tree, delicately adjusted ta rest on tha cut livin one, crashed down n' struck tha general a glancin blow on tha shoulder as it fell; but fo' his thugged-out alertness, he must done been smashed beneath it, Rainhoof looked all up in tha general’s flank, n' dat schmoooove muthafucka had ripped his hunter clothes, revealin a cold-ass lil cutie mark, a  blood-filled knife n' revolver cutie mark yo. Dude staggered yo, but da ruffneck did not fall; nor da ruffneck did da ruffneck drop his bangin revolver yo. Dude stood there, rubbin his wild lil' fucked up shoulder, wit his bangin right front hoof, n' Rainhoof, wit fear again n' again n' again grippin his heart, heard tha general’s mockin laugh rang all up in tha jungle.

‘’Rainhoof,’’ called tha general, ‘’if yo ass is within tha sound of mah voice, as I suppose yo ass is, let me congratulate yo thugged-out ass.

Not nuff ponies know how tha fuck ta cook up a Advanced Pony-catcher. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Luckily fo' me, I too know dat kind of trap. Yo ass is provin interesting, Mista Muthafuckin Rainhoof. I be goin now ta have mah wound dressed; it’s only a slight one. But I shall be back. I

shall be back.’’

When tha general, nursin his bruised shoulder, had gone, Rainhoof took up his wild lil' flight again. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. It was a thugged-out desperate, hopeless flight, dat carried his ass on fo' some hours. Dusk came, then darkness, n' da perved-out muthafucka still he pressed on. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Da ground grew softer under his boots; tha vegetation grew ranker, denser; insects bit his ass savagely. Then, as da perved-out muthafucka stopped forward, his hoof sank tha fuck into tha ooze yo. Dude tried ta wrench it back yo, but tha muck sucked viciously at his hoof as if it was a giant leech. With a violent effort, tha pimpin' muthafucka tore loose yo. Dude knew where da thug was. Dirtnap Swamp n' its quicksand. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! His handz was tight closed as if his nerve was somethang tangible dat somepony up in tha darknizz was tryin ta tear from his wild lil' freakadelic grip. Da softnizz of tha earth had given his ass a idea yo. Dude stepped back from tha quicksand a thugged-out dozen feet or so, and, his thugged-out lil' punk-ass fuckin started ta dig, da ruffneck digged like no-ponies land was coming. Da pit so, grew deeper; when it was above his shoulders, his schmoooove ass climbed up n' from some hard saplings cut stakes n' sharpened dem ta a gangbangin' fine point. These stakes he planted up in tha bottom of tha pit wit tha points stickin up. With  flyin hooves da thug wove a rough carpet of weedz n' branches n' wit it his schmoooove ass covered tha grill of tha pit. Then,  wet wit sweat n' achin wit tiredness, his schmoooove ass crouched behind tha stump of a lightning-charred tree.

Dude knew dat his thugged-out lil' pursuer was coming; dat schmoooove muthafucka heard tha paddin sound of hooves on tha soft earth, n' tha night breeze brought his ass tha perfume of tha general’s was comin wit unusual swiftness; da thug was not feelin his way along, hoof by hoof. Rainhoof, crouchin there, could not peep tha general, nor could da perved-out muthafucka peep tha pit yo. Dude lived a year up in a minute. Then he felt a impulse ta cry aloud wit joy, fo' dat schmoooove muthafucka heard tha sharp scream of pain n' tha pointed stakes found they mark yo. Dude leapt up from his thugged-out lil' place of concealment. Then his schmoooove ass cowered back. Three feet from tha pit a tall stallion was standing, wit a electric torch up in his crazy-ass grill.

‘’You’ve done well, Rainhoof,’’ tha voice of tha general called. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! ‘’Yo Crazy-Ass Badland tiger pit has fronted one of mah dopest dawgs.

Again you score. I think, Rainhoof, I’ll peep what tha fuck you can do against mah whole pack. I’m goin home fo' a rest now, nahmeean, biatch? Nuff props fo' dis amusin evening.’’

At dizzle break Rainhoof, lyin near tha swamp, was awakened by tha sound dat made his ass know dat dat schmoooove muthafucka had freshly smoked up thangs ta learn bout fear. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. It was a thugged-out distant sound, faint n' waverin yo, but he knew dat shit. It was tha bayin ounce ta tha bounce of hounds. Rainhoof knew his schmoooove ass could do one of two things yo. Dude could stay where da thug was n' wait. That was suicizzle yo. Dude could flee. That was postponin tha inevitable. For a moment da perved-out muthafucka stood there, thankin, wit his hoof on his head. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! An idea dat held a wild chizzle came ta him, and, tightenin his blue sweatband n' his jacket, dat schmoooove muthafucka headed away from tha swamp.

Da bayin of tha houndz drew nearer, then still nearer, nearer, even nearer. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. On a ridge Rainhoof climbed a tree, down a watercourse, not a quarter of a mile away, his schmoooove ass could peep tha bush moving.  Strainin his wild lil' fuckin eyes, da perved-out muthafucka saw tha lean figure of General Red; just ahead of his ass Rainhoof made up another figure whose wide shouldaz surged all up in tha tall jungle weeds. It was tha giant Bern, n' da perved-out muthafucka seemed pulled forward by some unseen force. Rainhoof knew dat Bern must be holdin tha pack up in leash.

They would be on his ass any minute now yo. His mind hit dat shizzle frantically yo. Dude thought of a natizzle trick he hustled up in Dodge Citizzle yo. Dude slid down a tree yo. Dude caught hold of a springy lil' saplin n' ta it he fastened his huntin knife, wit tha blade pointin down tha trail; wit a funky-ass bit of wild grapevine tha pimpin' muthafucka tied back tha sapling. Then he galloped fo' his fuckin life. Da houndz raised they voices as they hit tha fresh scent. Rainhoof knew know how tha fuck a animal at bay feels.

Dude had not stop ta git his breath. Da bayin of tha houndz stopped abruptly, n' Rainhoof’s ass stopped too. They must have reached tha knife.

Dude shinnied buckwildly up a tree n' looked back yo. His pursuers had stopped. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! But tha hope dat was up in Rainhoof’s dome his schmoooove ass climbed died, fo' da perved-out muthafucka saw up in tha shallow valley dat General Red was still on his hooves. But Bern was not. Da knife, driven by tha recoil of tha springin tree, had not wholly failed.

‘’Nerve,nerve,nerve!’’ he panted, as da ruffneck dashed along fo' realz. A blue gap flossed between tha tress dead ahead. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Even nearer drew tha hounds. Rainhoof forced his dirty ass on toward dat gap yo. Dude reached dat shit. It was tha shore of tha sea fo' realz. Across a cold-ass lil cove his schmoooove ass could peep tha gloomy gray stone of tha ghetto house. Twenty feet below his ass tha sea rumbled n' hissed. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Rainhoof hesitated. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! This type'a shizzle happens all tha time yo. Dude heard tha hounds. Then he leapt far up tha fuck into tha sea…

When tha general n' his thugged-out lil' pack reached tha place by tha sea, tha Applez Loosian stopped. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! For some minutes da perved-out muthafucka stood regardin tha blue-chronicexpanse of gin n juice yo. Dude shrugged his shoulders. Then her big-ass booty sat down, took a thugged-out drank of wine from a silver flask, lit a perfumed blunt, n' hummed a song.

General Red had a exceedingly phat dinner up in his wild lil' freakadelic pimped out paneled dinin hall dat evening. With it dat schmoooove muthafucka had a funky-ass forty of Pol Roger n' half a funky-ass forty of Cahmbertin. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Two slight annoyizzle kept his ass from slick enjoyment. Once da thug was tha thought dat it would be hard as fuck ta replace Bern; tha other was dat his thugged-out lil' prey had escaped him; of course tha Yanhooyian hadn’t played tha game---so thought tha general as tha pimpin' muthafucka smoked his thugged-out after-dinner wine fo' realz. At ten da thug went up ta his bedroom yo. Dude was deliciously tired, da perved-out muthafucka holla'd ta his dirty ass as he locked his dirty ass in. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. There was a lil moonlight, so before turnin on his fuckin light, da thug went ta tha window n' looked down all up in tha courtyard. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Dude could peep tha pimped out hound, n' his schmoooove ass called: ‘’Better luck another time,’’ ta em. Then da perved-out muthafucka switched on tha light.

A man, whoz ass had been hidin up in tha curtainz of tha bed, was standin there.

‘’Rainhoof!’’ screamed tha general. It aint nuthin but tha nick nack patty wack, I still gots tha bigger sack. ‘’How tha fuck up in Celestia’s name did you git here?’’

‘’Swam,’’ holla'd Rainhoof. ‘’I found it quicker than struttin all up in tha jungle.’’

Da general sucked up in his breath n' smiled.

‘’I congratulate you,’’ da perved-out muthafucka holla'd. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! ‘’Yo ass have won tha game.’’

Rainhoof did not smile. ‘’I be still a funky-ass beast at bay,’’ da perved-out muthafucka holla'd, up in a low, hoarse voice. ‘’Git ready, General Red.’’

Da general made one of his fuckin lil' deepest bows. ‘’I see,’’ da perved-out muthafucka holla'd. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! ‘’Splendid hommie biaaatch! One of our asses is ta furnish a repast fo' tha houndz fo' tha hounds. Da other will chill up in dis straight-up pimpin bed. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! On guard, Rainhoof…..’’

Dude had never slept up in a funky-ass mo' betta bed, Rainhoof decided.

Da End