Wasn't Me | Maybe It Wasn't You | What Have You Done for Me Lately?
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THE LEGEND NEVER DIES | GIANT DAD | MAJOR LEAGUE PWNY
Wasn't Me | Maybe It Wasn't You | What Have You Done for Me Lately?
L E G E N D S
N E V E R
D I E
!
G I A N T S B_25 & G I A N T S A.I.D.S
“Fools... you silly... little... FOOLS!" Nightmare rolled her neck as the influx of power quaked through her frame, a tingle of electricity, overloading each and every pleasant nerve with the essence of power. “You dare to oppose me? To stand up to the might that isthe NIGHT?"
Those silly little ponies laid before her. Dropped from their heights in the sky as their stomachs crashed into dusty stone, their attempt having utterly failed. Lightning flashed in the missing chunks of the wall. Water hit far below, licking the dirt spire that the mountain ridge rested upon.
That Twilight was the first to struggle. Pressing a hoof into the ground, shaking to push herself even an inch up. Blinking. Eyes down on the ground. Trying to make sense of the nothing that had occurred. "I-I don't get it! The elements. M-My friends! They should have..."
"Oh darling! Oh dear! Best not to deal with 'should have '..." Nightmare's toothy-grin devoured the corner of her muzzle. Shaking her head to the sensation of aaalll the euphoria bubbling within. "Ponies should have admired my night. I should have received more respect from my sister."
Nightmare stalked through the crumbles of the elements, crunching them beneath her hooves, one at a time. She came to the edge of the podium and, striking out a foreleg in a grand, commanding pose, tilted back her head, declaring herself victorious. "Those elements should have worked for you! They should've, they should've, they should've! Your will, your emotions, they are so strong, after all!"
That hoof dragged back to cover her giggling lips. When she lowered it, she had stolen away her own grin, replacing it with a darker, more domineering demeanour. "And yet they did not."
Twilight could only grunt and groan, hooves pushing harder on the ground to rise up. The tip of her horn sparked to a sputter of miniature fireworks. She fought to rise if only to defy what was evidently her new truth. Her shoulders faltered. Her body collapsed.
And then the rainbow returned.
Nightmare blinked, stepping back as the rainbow beam jolted through a window. Looking right in time to whiz inches from her stomach, a palpable sizzle in the air. The rainbow arched in a long curve, appearing directly before Twilight, beginning to coalesce and form into a recognizable, but unfamiliar shape, a spark at the centre of the chaos.
"You! What is this!? None of the books say anything about this." Winds inhaled from inside the prismatic spiral, a grand storm imploding, its currents pulling at Nightmare's legs. She shuffled backwards and just as quickly lost those feet of distance. "Blast it! Is this some kind of portal? Designed to trap me in another place?!"
As if Nightmare could be let off so easily.
Rather it was the stone at her hooves that was sucked in. Remnants of the elements yanked into the swirling stream. Other items that had hung from the walls. Metal beating on stone, repeatedly, until a mask was pulled into the stream.
"W-Wait a moment... these winds... t-their focus is not me!" Nightmare watched the mask disappear into the deepening stream. There was another matter. Shattering of glass as the first club used by ponies was pulled in—as well as the loincloth in the display. "W-What is this! What have you changed, Sparkle?!"
Twilight and friends, in their recovery, crawled together into a huddle. They watched from behind the portal. Collection of hugs and forehooves joined served as a safeguard from the impending discord.
Nightmare returned her focus to the stream. The inward rainbow waves slowed to a stop. A glow from deep inside, shining brightly, blinded her! Raising a hoof to protect her eyes, the portal reversed, unwinding and pulling out a figure from its depths.
PHANTOM GIANT DAD SUMMONED!
Twilight sat in the center of her friends, looking out to where the portal had begun to dissipate, during which a dark figure had dropped from the bright light. Two feet audibly crashed to the ground with a shockwave of dust. It landed, lurched, and slowly lifted.
In truth, there was no knowing what the fuck this thing was. Only that it had come from some kind of bullshit portal, and that it was somehow composed of some of the elements of this chamber. Its back faced them as it struggled to rise.
And when it did. Dramatically enough to warrant a paragraph dedicated to the act. It turned around. Facing them. A creature of two legs, charred body of stone, dressed in a loincloth, and wearing a mask. Sockets for eyes and a mouth, through which nothing could be seen on the inside.
“B U I L D?”
Twilight blinked, mouth agape, unsure of what to say, not exactly sure what the hell this creature was. She could only look down at herself for examination, contemplation. "Uhm. F-Female I think?"
"Didn't fuwkin awsk, thwot." The chin of the mask tilted up, a golden shine, now a slice, gleaming across. "Dex? U fuwhkin' level hdat?"
Rarity blinked and turned. "Twilight? Did he just ask if you had a levelled hat?"
Twilight blinked. "No no. I don't think he said that."
"Well then." Rarity cleared her throat. "What did he just say then?"
"I don't know! Maybe Fluttershy does?"
"Why would you think that I understand garble?" Fluttershy turned to the towering and monstrous figure—only for a single-digit, weighted like a boulder, to be pointing at her. She cowered from her selection into heaven.
The creature stood with the big CLUB held at his waist. "Dah fwuk awre you ahall wit the dhust? Fhuckin' casuls?"
The six friends combined could not conjure an apt response for this.
The creature then turned around to the larger horse standing at the end of the chamber. His head cocked to the side, and he leaned his club onto his opposite shoulder. He walked up and the bitch in dark-blue stepped back.
"Da fuq u?"
The strange fucking horse thing took another step back then, before realizing that that was actually pussy shit and stepping forward again. But in the moment it looked really fucking awkward like it was doing a scuffed emote. It tapped a hoof against its chest to cover its embarrassment. "I am Nightmare Moon! The threat of—"
"Nhich ghay ahss fhuckin' gahmer tag, bithc." Its voice was like Santa Claus after having smoked a chimney and subsequently learning it had third stage lung cancer. "Must bwe ha fhunkin' pro."
Nightmare had no context on whether to be offended right now… other than a strong inclination to be so. "I am... I am..." She shook her head and jabbed a hoof out. "I'm sorry. But—and using your terms here— who 'the fuck' are you?"
The mask tilted up enough to be flat. "Ghiant Dahd."
It then tilted down. "U don't knw? "Giant Dad banged his club against the cobbled castle floor; thunder cackled in the sky. "Then mahby eye hath 2 educate u."
With a cacophonous roar, Giant Dad bellowed towards the unyielding, darkened sky. His unfettering shout was profound: a prolonged and sombre sentiment that perhaps couldn't be so easily expressed in words. His ode to the heavens bore manna in the refreshing patter of rain, a light in the dark, a call from nature itself to resist the encroaching presence of the everlasting night.
The light that the elements bore refracted off of the droplets of moisture in the atmosphere, latent specs of liquid that had yet to be evaporated away by the heat that radiated off of Giant Dad's body. There was—all of a sudden—a calm amidst the horror, a break in the storm, and a stillness in the air. As Giant Dad's scream broke, leaving only the sound of rainfall in its wake, that same light began to glow, brighter and brighter, fusing with the water clinging to the setting and leaving a visual phenomenon in its wake.
Even in everlasting night, there was a rainbow in the dark.
Giant Dad seemed to be sated by this result, though through the barrier of his mask, his thoughts and feelings were a mystery. That said, something seemed to have caught his attention. He turned to the small horse whose colour scheme so closely matched that of the castle, bathed as it was in incandescent light.
"Yeah." He thrust his index towards Rainbow. "How hath u gawt evry colr krohma. Shwipe hrd skrub? Fckn e-girls."
He waved his fist at her then. To Rainbow, it felt as if she could be sentenced to death at any moment, what with the way his iron-clad hands gesticulated in front of her, each of them about the size of her head. She was careful not to misspeak in her response. "I'm not a scrub!" She knew it was important to defend her honour if she wanted to gain any respect here. "I've been owning fools since before you were—"
Giant Dad gently placed his finger upon her snout, twatting her into the floor at Mach II. "Fckhn trieharhd u’v nvr pwn any1 don't lye 2 me am 2 intelect 2 be lyed 2."
Rainbow wasn't so scared anymore. He'd hit her with his greatest attack to test her, and she'd easily withstood it! She rose up, ready to respond in kind, but Giant Dad had already teleported away.
He now stood before Rarity. "U. Wat u do?"
Rarity had always considered herself to be an eloquent and well-mannered pony, even despite having come from a lower-income household. She'd studied and idolized well-to-do ponies from a young age and even taught her younger sister to look and act the part in a matter of months. She'd even served as liaison to foreign business ponies in the past while setting up her salon! Ponies that barely spoke a word of Equestrian!
This wouldn't be a problem. "Me, darling?" Mental note to put on the sugar, he could save all their lives! "Well, I am but a humble young pony from the small town beyond this forest, here on a noble endeavour with my wonderful friends to save the world and everything as we currently know it from that", she pointed from emphasis, "horrible, conniving, evil pony right over there, who plans to enslave us all!"
She hoped she'd made that all simple enough to follow. All she knew was that she had to be ready to interpret whatever came next. She figured she'd caught enough broken Equestrian in the creature's speech that it would scarcely be a challenge—he would be easy to win over.
Giant Dad stole a glance at Nightmare Moon, nodded, then looked back to Rarity. "Wht u do.”
Rarity blinked. She was pretty sure it might've been an audible blink. Like, ponies heard her blink. She resisted the compulsion to frown. Have to look accommodating and friendly in front of our would-be saviour! This creature came from the elements after all, surely he was worth the hassle!
There had to be something she was missing here. Maybe if she just repeated the sentence back to him, the way she was hearing it. Perhaps there had been an error in translation? "What do I do, darling?"
Giant Dad's shoulder twitched, muscles rippling, club jolting in place. "Wehl idunfknno dat's y i asked u obvs, what u do?????"
Rarity couldn't tell the growl of his tone whether he was angry or not because he was permanently growling.
At this point, Nightmare Moon saw it fit to speak up. "Enough of this farce! I am still here, and the night is still happening, NOW! Will you face me, Giant Dad, or whoever you are, or will you doom Equestria to its fate?"
Giant Dad astral travelled to Nightmare Moon's location, somewhere in the vicinity of her personal bubble, and clamped a large gauntlet over her muzzle. "Sht fuk. No1 is tlkn 2 u now."
He blinked back to Rarity, and when Nightmare defiantly attempted to open her muzzle once more, she found that she could not.
Luckily, Rarity believed she was making leaps and bounds in translating the large fellow's speech. "You asked what I do, and now I believe I understand what you were really asking." A forced chuckle. "I am a seamstress, a fashion designer, and—well, I fancy myself a bit of an entrepreneur." A subtle—Rarity was never subtle—bat of the eyelids. "So chivalrous and kind you are to enquire about me, Sir Dad. Should you use your immense power to get us through this little, err…" she waved a hoof at Nightmare, who was fighting with two hooves to unclamp her jaw "predicament that we find ourselves in, then I should be more than happy to tell you even more about me! Perhaps over wine?"
"Rarity!" Applejack bark-whispered at her friend. "Are ya really solitin' the big hunk ah metal over there just so he'll save our sorry butts?"
"Yes, she is," Twilight hissed back, the three of them now huddled together, "and unless you have a better idea of what to do then I think we should just sit here and let her get on with it." Twilight shuddered. "Personally, I'm just happy I'm not the one that'll have to wine and dine him once this is all done."
"I think he looks cooky!" Pinkie responded, now directly mentioned by name in this story.
"I find him rather dashing, I admit, if a little rough around the edges." Rarity replied, knowing full well Giant Dad could probably hear everything they were saying.
"I want him to step on me," squeaked Rainbow, who then coughed and visibly straightened up. "I-I mean, yeah, he's pretty awesome."
The only one that wasn't in the huddle was Fluttershy. Fluttershy was huddled in the corner and sounded as though she was whispering a ritual, or perhaps a prayer.
The five of them collectively yelped as Giant Dad leaned his head into their whisper circle, bowling all of them to the floor and scoring a strike. His face was an inch from Rarity's. "wht rings u gt bthc."
Rarity felt fairly sure that she was beginning to be able to decipher this hulking giant's rather unique vernacular, bit by bit. "What… what rings do I have?" She stopped short, shook her head, and corrected herself. "What rings I got?" It hurt a little, the blatant disregard for grammar, but she was determined to be understood. “I have—got rings forged from, no, made of silver, gold, copper, stainless steel if you’re on a budget… some gilded, some with small, meticulously crafted patterns along them.”
Giantdad seemed to be losing interest.
Rarity began to stammer as she attempted to get through to him one last time. "I got gold rings, silver rings, bigh rings, shmoll rings, everything u could ever want."
Giantdad simply nodded. "U gwt hahvel's ring bithc."
Finally, a breath of relief. Rarity did indeed have Havel's ring. It was an item she had procured during her most recent visit to a Saddle Arabian bazaar, for two bits she might add! Reaching into her saddlebags, she pulled out her most recent acquisition and levitated in front of him. "Perchance you are referring to this specific ring, darling?" A cough. Try again, Rarity. "You mean dis 1 yea?"
Giantdad pulled the ring out of Rarity's telekinesis and began to inspect it, his eye obscured by the mask but likely squinted. The lengthy pause between his beginning the appraisal and its conclusion—turning it over in his fingers and holding it up to the light as he muttered to himself—might have been indicative of his level of expertise and meticulity, or total lack thereof.
Finally, he held the ring out to Rarity once more. "Ihtz a fayk. Hih hath the reel 1 bak howm."
Rarity knew then that only the most aptly applied and logical of ripostes would be capable of deflecting this, for all she knew, true assertion of the ring's validity. "No this ish just the 1 from this world u c>? + the seller told me it was reel and u can't lie in Saddle Arabia bcuz it is their religion."
"Rarity?" Twilight interjected, appearing utterly dumbfounded.
"Wot."
Twilight attempted to reform the whisper circle, though she seemed to have forgotten Giantdad was now a part of it. "Did you just tell this creature that Saddle Arabians are forbidden by their god from lying?"
Rarity knew she had to respond to this without spilling the beans. "Well, if it were a lie, you couldn't complain to me about it, because I'm not Saddle Arabian." An evil glance. "Twilight, are you actively attempting to ruin my attempt at foreign diplomacy?"
"Rarity this ring is clearly fake," Twilight confirmed with a quick glance. "I didn't even have to use my magic to tell that; the plated metal is already beginning to scrape away."
Giantdad spoke up then, pointing at Twilight. "Ihs dis bith saddelarab?"
Rarity saw a sudden chance to get everything back on track. "Noh, shesh nowt. U know what that meens?!"
Giantdad added two and two together. Using his fingers. He gasped. "Dat means de bit7 is leieing!" He stared at Twilight. "I wil fizx her transgression."
Using his stare alone, Giantdad compelled Twilight to begin revealing random embarrassing truths about herself. It was like infecting someone with severe Tourettes and was only one of the many tools in his bountiful arsenal.
"What is… n-no… I…" Twilight's hyperventilation sucked in her chest to reveal her ribcage. Dropping to the floor, she curled into herself, unable to breathe—not without the price of speaking. "I… I USED TO TOUCH MYSELF LOUD ENOUGH FOR MY BROTHER TO HEAR!"
She was then able to breathe.
At the cost of never wanting to do so again.
"Celestia, Twilight." Applejack took off her hat and held it over her chest. "That's messed up. Really messed up.” Indeed. It was some fucked up shit. "Could never imagine having the strength of doing that myself." Which apparently—and cliche-y—was rampant in Equestria.
"U no stwrung!" Giant Dad blared as his feet rocketed from the ground. Everyone looked to the impact zone to see crunched stone. Applejack didn't need to turn her head for the jumpscare. That mask. Inches from her muzzle. Ground quaking from his breaking entry. "Woek!"
Applejack's face scrunched up from the confusing bullshit. "Woek?"
"Woek! Woek! WOEK!"
"Da faq?" Applejack's squinting took to the latest translator. "Rarity? Wanna chime in? He's speakin' stupid again."
Rarity shrugged. "You cannot tell? He means weak.”
"What? Horse hockey!" Applejack spat to the side as though it proved anything. "I've outbucked stallions twice my size and in half the time! I ain't—"
"12."
Applejack stopped. That number. It rang in her head. "What?"
"12."
Breath lost. "What does…"
"12! 12! 12!" That mask roasted in place to a bloom of red in the sockets for the eyes. Its darkened neck was still. Yet the mask turned and turned. Glows of amber whispering for her to come in. "12 STR. 44 VIG. 60 END. S T A T S."
Twilight watched on from the floor. Lungs burning from the lack of air. The loincloth goon crouched like a sumo. Applejack stepped closer. Twilight held out a hoof. "Nooo! Applejack dooooon’t. S-Somepony!"
There was no other somepony. In the far back corner, there was Fluttershy, somehow acquiring a large, wizard's hat, floating in the air without the use of her wings. No winds of magic. Just straight levitation.
Rarity was too busy polishing a ring using her chest fluff.
Rainbow lowered and arched like a feline ready to pounce, licking her lips in watching the father-figure she never had.
And Twilight was out of breath once more.
"I LIKE TO PEEP ON CELESTIA AS SHE WASHES!"
Applejack stepped forth into the red glow. Stunned at once in what she saw through the mask. Number appeared. Letters no more of three digits that spanned across her vision. Chest clenched in stepping back.
VIT ATT END STR DEX RES INT FAI HUM STR STR SL VIT ATT END STR DEX REZ FAI HUM SL STR STR STR VIT ATT END STR NOV RES INT FAI HUM SL VIT ATT END STR DEX INT FAI HUM SL VIT STR STR ATT END STR STR STR DEX RES INT FAI IS VIT ATT END STR DEX STR STR RES INT FAI HUM SL VIT ATT END STR DEX RES INT FAI SL VIT NOT END STR DEX RES STR STR STR INT FAI STR STR HUM VIT ATT END STR DEX RES INT FAI DE VIT ATT END STR RES INT AD HUM SL VIT ATT END STR DEX RES INT FAI HUM SL ATT
"Th… the numbers… t-t-the stats!" She looked like a mare possessed in dropping onto her wrists and gripping the sides of her head. "12 STR. 36 INT… NO! NO! TNNHGHHH! T-THE NUMBERS!"
₁₁₄₅₁₄ 114514
₁₁₄₅₁₄ ₁₁₄₅₁
₁₁₄₅₁₄ 11451 114514 ₁₁₄₅₁₄ 114514
₁₁₄₅₁₄ ₁₁₄₅₁
₁₁₄₅₁₄ 114514 ₁₁₄₅₁₄ 11451
19 16 27 17 69 15 69 12 25 08 06 07 54 59 58 12 12 12 12 12 12 15 35 85 79 46 28 74 23 65 97 15 36 32 12 47 12 12 12 12 12 12 36 57 69 12 36 97 12 14 62 56 79 12 79 57 56 12 12 12 12 12 12 66 49 54 96 21 49 69 15 34 97 12 12 49 76 84 64 51 68 61 16 17 19 24 16 16 16 18 97 62 24 69 24 46 72 16 16 47 69 48 62 36 47 12 12 12 12 47 96 47 21 63 58 16 16 24 96 14 79 46 24 12 12 69
Twilight wheezed a breath in rolling onto the side of her barrel. She coughed the essence of her embarrassment to the fuzzing of the edges of her vision. Applejack writhed a few feet away. Eyelids retracted as to be non-existent.
Applejack's cheek meshed with the stone as the tilt of her head settled on Twilight. She was crying. Smiling without the desire to—it being all she could do. "I-I see them T-Twilight. On you! O-On everyone! I-I see them!"
Twilight wrapped a foreleg over her chest in gasping to rise. "W-What do you see?"
Applejack's head was shaking in decline, and yet she was laughing, laughing, laughing. "56 ATT! 79 INT! END 04!"
"What does that even mean!" Twilight wobbled a step forward. Another two back. Fighting through the collapsing pain in the chest. "You're the only other sane one here! Don't let me lose you!"
Applejack's eyes shut tight as bolts electrified throughout her frame. Jumping to her hooves in time to dive into a curve with her back. Her eyes shot open. Bloody red. Little digits projecting within her irises. "24 FAI! 29 VIR!"
Twilight dashed forward in her stumble to grab Applejack by the collar. Shaking her back and forth to the limp roll of the mare's head. Seeing whatever effect that she was in. "What numbers are you talking about? What do they mean?"
"T-THE NUMBERS! THE BUCKING NUMBERS! THEY… THEY TOLD ME TO DO IT! I HAD NO CHOICE!" Applejack pushed back the mare and whipped around, blind to the world except the one composed in black and red, everything structured in stacked numbers. "I SEE IT! SEE IT LIKE HOW IT IS!?"
"A-Applejack!" Twilight crashed to the side and curled into herself. "Nnnnghmm!"
'"CHA: 26! LUK: 42!" Applejack rattled off the numbers in striking a hoof at every pony. Her eyes set on Giant Dad. Everything about her died inside. Her lips quivered in the answers before her. "S-SL: 99…"
She shook her head then. Turning to a wall and walking toward it. Every pony watched as she crashed into it, uncaring of this fact, walking forward. Her eyes saw the giant numbers and three letters crawling across the zone. "STR: 12. No. STR: 12. No. STR: 12. No."
Rarity watched all of this with an open mouth, a confused look, and the proper knowledge, at this point, to not question shit. Instead, she was about to make a hella steal on a shitty deal—and that should become the next primary focus.
"Ooooooh deaaaaar!" Giant Dad turned back to her. She waved the ring about in her hoof. "Wotn this?
Giant Dad strolled over in a slow walk that continued to crunch bare marble with naked feet alone. Rainbow had, during this, attempted to slide underneath each of his falling steps—only for him to step a few inches further.
"Urs wit trade."
Giant Dad turned and reached behind his back. None saw where this hand went except for the punished Nightmare Moon. It returned holding a sack. One he tossed to her as she tossed the ring to him.
We didn't even set what the negotiation would be. Rarity blinked in lifting and lowering the sack to the heft of its weight. Giant Dad wouldn't cheat her. She opened it to the blinding of white inside. I… oh dear…
Nightmare Moon broke from the Giant's punishment. Muscles loosened and bones snapped back in place. Her muzzle, however, was still limp. In clearing her throat and speaking, every word was muffled inside her maw.
Celestia come and kill me.
"Enough of this insolence!" Nightmare raised a foreleg to her jaw. Which caused it to become unhinged and go slack. It hung awkwardly from her mouth. "U weil swon fel that might…" She slumped and rolled her eyes.
Pressing the base of her hoof into her chin, she pushed up and pulled back, throughout her speech, in order to talk properly. "You will soon feel the might of mine summons!"
"Oh heck no!" Rainbow shouted from between Giant Dad's legs, lying on her belly between them. "That's not fair at all!" She then looked up his loincloth to the flattening of ears. "A-And I'm not going to be able to take all that."
"Rainbow I! I! I!" Twilight twitched into another convulsion. "I THOUGHT ABOUT SMOTHERING MY FACE BETWEEN YOUR LEGS THE SECOND WE MET!"
"Buzz off!"
Applejack had been smacking her head into the wall this whole time and, breaking from the specialized activity of making special ponies, she glanced at Nightmare Moon. "TEACH! T-THE NUUUUUMBEEEEERS! MAKE THEM STOP! AAACK!"
She read what she saw.
VIT END VIT VIT
48
"VIT: 48! END: 24! ATU: 78!" Applejack cried. “She really can summon someone TWI!”
Twilight was currently in the process of attempting not to tell Applejack that she spent most of her childhood thinking earth ponies were 'basic bitches’. "Wh-what, what do you mean—BASIC—what do you mean she can summon someone—BA-ba-BASI-NGHH—summon someone?" She shook her head, all but rejecting the possibility. "That would mean that she's denying the—BASIC BIIIII—basic laws of—AHH BASICBASICBASICBITCHDUMBFUCKINGHICK FUCK I didn't mean that YES I DID YOU DUMB FUCK AHH—" A cough, a shuddering breath. A sigh of relief. "I've never heard of a pony being able to summon other ponies before. It should be impossible!"
"Jehshush bithc, ur tox1c." Giantdad shook his head in disapproval.
"TWILIGHT SHE HAS THE NUMBERS." Applejack gloed in ethereal light, projecting symbols onto the floor. "DO YOU SEE NOW? CAN YOU FACE THE INEVITABILITY OF OUR DOOM?"
At least, she thought she was showing Twilight. "Listen, I don't 'see' whatever it is you think you 'see' so can you please stop going on about it?" She swore under her breath. "I'm having a very difficult time dealing with—YOUFUCKINGHICKPONIES—this situation and I'd really appreciate it if you could just give me a minute to figure out what to—"
"BUT TWILIGHT THE NUMBERS ARE HEREEEEE THEY'RE ALL AROUND YOU THE ANSWERS YOU'RE LOOKING FOR ARE IN YOUR REACH YOU NEED ONLY—"
All too quickly, the urge began to bubble up again. Twilight finally chose not to fight it. "Right, fuck this. Fuck you, fuck your face, fuck your 'stats'," she pointed at Nightmare Moon, "fuck this 'prophetic end of the world' high and mighty horseshit, you haven't been relevant in a thousand years, stop overcompensating," a glance to Rainbow, "fuck your daddy issues," Rarity was next, "fuck all your whoring that lies beyond lifting your tail," she arched high to see Fluttershy now floating in a corner, who, because of this, required to be shouted at—with Twi's voice echoing of the walls, "fuck yoooou for just being you," and then finally Pinkie, "and all I have is a fuck you because I'd completely forgotten about you."
Twilight whizzed a breath out of her lips like a fired revolver back into is hoislter. She glanced at Giant Dad who, regardless of what she said, was okay with it all—until her mighty 'FUUUCK YOOOOOOU' to Fluttershy.
His hollow and stoned expression took on a malicious quality like black sludge seeping from the metal of his mask. His massive hand raised and, with a snap not even Thanos could match, a blinding white exploded from the corner.
Out from this sphere of white came the rotations of items, the previous, useless elements, repurposed into slots of armor. Fluttershy floated below them as they whizzed around her frame in their shooting onto the Giant Dad.
Each smacked and clung onto his frame, completing the build, a sheer density to the armour as to make the motherfucker a walking fortress. In every slap of a piece, he exclaimed, in a voice of clarity. "GIANTS. GIANTS. GIANTS. GIANTS. BECOME U N S T O P P A B L E." Once built, he strolled forward, and Twilight, deciding that life could be worse than death, took the latter standing, not proud—but tall and defeated.
Giant Dad walked over and, in grabbing her horn, enticed a swirling aura of lavender from it. Then he pulled back. The greatness of a sword yanked out from the depths of the unicorn's mind.
Who fell onto a clattering of four hooves. Expression horrified and body weak. She barely looked up. "What the fuck..."
"R yew PRO yet?" he asked with a cock head. "It's time to fookuin' PWN some N00bZ."
//: DECODING ALTERNATIVE WORLD TRANSMISSION
DECODING...
DECODING...
SUCCESS!
//: RUNNING DECODED MESSAGE
MSGCAT::OBJ.NEW
INITIATE PHASE ONE OF THE BASS CANNON
INITIATING...
SUCCESS!
//: INITIATING PHASE ONE OF THE BASS CANNON
MSGDEC_STATUS | | E_DONE
TRANSMISSION CHECKSUM 416508841
// END OF ALTERNATIVE WORLD TRANSMISSIONS
Giant Dad didn't pay any more mind to bullshit incarnate in turning around to face the reasoning for his summons. The wicked bitch in midnight-blue. He stood there as the six gathered behind him.
It should be mentioned that Applejack's eyes glowed red, although, with practice, one of them returned to normal color. Numbers with a set of three lets continuously fly at her. But the influx was no longer threatening.
She even tugged mane over her non-glowing eye to look cooler—although none noticed.
"The future lends itself to the strange," Nightmare Moon shook her head, "does it not? Very well. If this is a world where ponies no longer fight their own battle," she glanced at Twilight, "and say hurtful things needlessly," then looked forward, "then so be it!"
Beams of magic in the form of a cylinder set around Giant Dad and, as it did no damage, his immediate response was to swing his sword. Over and over like a cat pawing at a red dot. As quickly as it appeared, it was gone, but that didn't stop the big from swinging.
"And the Elements aren't the only power capable of summoning from your world!" Nightmare stood and spread her forelegs. "Observe a previous foe!"
Red beams curved into existence and shot down, a red, magical texture overtaking the ground, where a figure rose from it. Rising and rising with a hue that glowed in their form. Applejack and Giant Dad were the only ones to see what rose next.
DARK SPIRIT SHIVA OF THE EAST HAS INVADED!
Although Giant Dad wore a mask that denied expression, at the starry sky that was supposed to be the mask's lips, there, at their corner, a cracked form. Chunks being crunched out from existence to widen the freaky smile.
"Watch it with this one!" Applejack shouted and, quite frankly, there was no need to shout just yet. Everyone glared at her due to this fact. She now had a new reason to hide behind her mane. "I mean, uh, I'm reading—"
Twilight just had to fucking speak. "You can read?"
She was thankful for as, like throughout most of her life, everyone ignored her. Not choose to ignore her. Because that would require thought. And none thought much about Twilight Sparkle.
Not even, rather sadly, her parents. Or even her brother as, reports say before the incident, had joined the military. It was thought that he was noble and wanted to serve his nation (which must never be called a country for an unknown reason.)
The true reason why—for Shining and not the Nation Vs Country debate—was that enlisting allowed him to leave his home two years sooner than he would and came with a guarantee.
That either he would be on a base away from his sister, or that he would be in the ground, forever, which would still get him away from his sister.
Twilight recalled all of this in a second, this possible line of logic, always doing so in the most inappropriate of times.
And then time resumed, ticking again, as it does, whenever dialogue is reintroduced.
"What I was reading before a nerdy girl was looking down at me from her basement in Canterlot," Applejack went on with a flick of the eyes to Twilight, "was this fellow is a similar stats to our friend here. So maybe the hunk of the metal wants to—"
"Definitely a hunk," Rainbow chimed.
Applejack found a new subject for her glare with a wrinkled snout thrown in. "Quit fannin' yer tail if yer brewin' a sauna for him back there." Another glare for Rarity as so that she didn't feel left out in the hatred. "You as well!"
"cwueler twhan bice," Rarity didn't meant to talk that and, consciously, was no longer aware she was talking like that. In her head, the words sounded normal—but was anything but to anyone else. This neurological disorder is still without a cure and could use your monetary support. "Hardiyl ah windmill."
Applejack was puzzled for a second. "Does saying 'ah' instead of 'I' really make me sound stupider than the rest of you?"
Twilight was back at it again with the underserved superiority. One earned that right in saving the world twice. "Not at all, Applejack! It's everything around it that does the trick."
The response to this was to thrust out an orange foreleg, upright, and angrily tap the front of it. This was the first time this gesture appeared and would do so again, plenty of times, largely in traffic jams to opposing carts.
The plot of the story was not forgotten during its thriller as Giant Dad and Shiva of the East had, after looking at each other, enacting the former gesture which was to gesture to your foe—their battle began.
Both foes started to walk toward each other, slowly, similar to a picture that only ponies with beards on their throat would have immediately click in their heads. Shiva's steps produced crunches of stone underneath steel that echoed through the chamber.
Giant's Dad steps, however, it does not produce the sound of steps. Rather it was like a horrible beat, a boom encompassed by electronic buzzing that, in every succession, became louder, more annoying, and thus, perfect for Pinkie.
Applejack cocked her head. "Now ain't that funny."
Because she was not introduced for a while, the image of Fluttershy is brought back to mind, able to float around a sphere, crossed leg, without the use of her wings. She twirled in harmony with only the tiniest urge to throw up to be fought back.
She did not do well on roller-coasters. "What is?"
"Our partner's magic is next to nothing and needs to slap a resin onto that blade of his to stick it on fire." Applejack glanced at his shoes and suppressed the urge to yell 'WHAT ARE THOOOOOSE.' That neurological order, brought on in the Giant's presence, was spreading to perception. "Yet he's creatin' music and sounds and whatnot in simply walkin' an' movin'!"
"u thunk thwas magic?"
"Oh great! Tongue Twister here has an opinion on what makes music now."
Twilight, without the force of the spell, shared her thoughts with a nod. "Certainly better than a banjo."
"Really?" Applejack replied. "I rather like the sounds it makes as I beat you over the head with one."
"Mine's too dense for that."
"You Canterlot ponies amaze me with yer... you're ability to simsotusly insult and compliment yourself."
Twilight smirked. "Nice try! But it's your instead of you're. All the hurtful stuff becomes invalid in the commitment of a mistake."
"I said that." Applejack growled. "How'd the hell could you tell—"
"I watched the way your lips spelt the word."
There could only be so much bullshit before a mare wanted to—quoting them—'slap a bitch.'
We must redirect the focus of our story from the friends becoming greater foes to each other than the one that currently threatened to banish, kill, or torture them, to the hero who, really, would be better describe in being called that noun—backwards
Oreh.
It worked for Dracula and Alucard and should do in a pinch here.
//: PHASE ONE OF BASS CANNONINITIATED
...
...
POWERING THE BASS CANNON
...
FIRE
Giant Dad and Shiva had begun their fight, with Dad spanning R2's to victory and, Shiva, being stunned due to an overload in poise. His HP Bar dropped in chunks, which a sacred few saw.
And in every attack was the succession of wubs.
//: PLAY BY PLAY STATUS REPORT
THE BEAT DROPS QUITE HARD IN EVERY STRIKE
W U B (x1)
W U B (x2)
WUB (x3)
W U B (x4)
ARMS OUT AND A STEP FORWARD IN A GESTURE IF THAT WAS IT
INTERFERENCE WITH DISPLAY!
"DROP IT LIKE IT IS INDEED HOT" DANCE BY TWO FIGURES
MLG BRANDING APPEARS
BATTLE RESUMES
//: DECODING PHASE 2 OF THE BASS CANNON
VARIOUS WUBs
WARNING! SCREEN ISSUE! ONE ITERATION OF FULL ROTATION
STABILIZING...
MGACT/49137/INPUT SET 1259
STABILIZATION!
RESUMING WUBS TO ATTACKS
RESUMED
W U B (x1
W U B (x2)
W U B (x3)
W U B (x4)
Giant Dad's stamina started to evaporate and, on the last hit, the one that would secure the kill, Shiva, having nothing to lose—went for the party. His shield knocked away the sword and, on Dad's stagger, Shiva went for the thrust.
The length of the sword, phasing through armor to an eruption of blood, then came to kick the body off it. Dad's HP dropped to to a quarter and, as he laid on his back, Shiva spanned R1s as to cancel his roll and catch him in a stunlock.
Repeating the unhonorable way this duel had begun.
//: BACK UP PROTOCOL
LIST POSSIBLE EXCUSES
...
28 POSSIBLE CLAUSES FOUND!
LISTING...
MY LITTLE BROTHER WAS ACTUALLY THE ONE IN THE ARMOR
I'D BEEN WEARING A BLINDFOLD THE WHOLE TIME
THE MAGICAL INPUT LAG OF BEING IN A NEW WORLD CAUSED ME TO // ERROR! TOO BITCHMADE! REMOVING POSSIBLE SUGGESTION FROM SUGGESTIONS LISTS.
REMOVING...
SUCCESS! THERE ARE NOW 27 SUGGESTIONS
INPUT HACKS
...
THERE IS NO COMING BACK FROM HACKING.
ARE YOU SURE? Y/N.
Y.
Y MUST YOU HACK? IT DENIES ONE'S GROWTH, GENUINE FEELING OF PROGRESSION, AND PREVENTION OF ACTUAL MASTERY; THE BITTERNESS OF CHEATING OUTLIVES THE HOLLOW SATISFACTION OF IMMEDIATELY WINNING
Everything slowed before cutting to black. In this darkness, Giant Dad got back up and pwned Shiva. Life and light returned to all for them to see Giant Dad, having been on the floor, now, standing behind the enemy.
And sticking his sword through his back, twisting it, before kicking the body off. Shiva laid on the ground, trying to rise, failing, as his body soon became a dust that faded. None were able to speak and probably wouldn't even if they could.
Giant Dad looked to Luna as another text appeared on the screen.
THAT'LL TEACH 'EM
"But..." Nightmare Moon blinked with an open mouth. "...how?"
"Shiva of the East?" Giant Dad walked out with open arms. "More like SHIVA THE DECEASED LOL."
(Yes, that should work.)
It should be noted that Giant Dad was EVOLVING in his speech. This might have not seemed scary—but it was. It now meant that ponies, all over the world, would soon hear what such a creature had to say.
With clarity.
Nightmare Moon, however, pouted at the insult.
(Artful salt production)
Nightmare took a breath. She then looked to Twilight. "Is it too late to apologise to you now, swear to become good and your friend, all to avoid the continuation of this?"
Twilight shrugged. "After what just happened? I don't hold anything against you." She glanced to Giant Dad who, at this moment, was still walking toward Nightmare. He was slower than an obese person on a scooter as that obesity was now in his armor and muscles. "But I can't say anything for him or Celestia. Best of luck to ya, though."
She then glanced at Applejack.
"What happened to his numbers anyway?"
"They went black for a second before comin' back." She scratched at her mane. "Just as lost as the rest of you."
Nightmare Moon bowed with a sigh. "Very well. I'd been amassing the power of the cosmos for over a thousand years now but, seeing as how all that will be put to naught, I will put all that power into this final summons."
Rarity stood up. "Whi R U telling us?"
"Because I will take your possible defeat over being able to rule this world afterward." Nightmare's horn was glowing as a crash of lightning had struck the ceiling of the castle, cracking it open, to reveal the night sky. "And if this is to fail as I would like to suspect, I would like to be weak enough to die as opposed to being banished."
Darkened clouds formed in the sky as dots of orange burned from inside each. The swirled and fused together, a greater glow of orange, as that essence dripped from the sky. Raining lava as it filled the pits far below the isle.
Nightmare Moon covered a hoof over her face with the realization of why her plan had gone wrong. The stars above, before the assembling of the mean-looking clouds, revealed a pattern that meant one thing.
Today.
Was a Monday.
And Celestia had stacked the odds against her from the start.
"Isn't it curious how evil always needs to look scary in these?" Nightmare bemused in looking to the clouds which, instead of being water vapours, achieved the same quality in being composed of lava. "Never bright white that kills you. Not a smiling cloud either. Everything that is out to get you has to look terrible."
She looked to see if anyone was paying attention, sadly, only one was—the one who couldn't understand her in the slightest. Giant Dad had stepped forward with his arms out, ahead cocked, the demanding of a challenge.
Or if that was it.
Her muzzle contorted into worry.
Thankfully. To the side of them. A terrible monstrosity was rising out from the pool of lava. This actually hadn't been a part of the plan. Luna hoped her buff of a summons would distract her foes that, as it has been so underplayed, that it had been raining, fucking, lava.
But the friends—even if forced and temporary so—retort was to step back underneath the ceiling of the castle. It rained on Giant Dad. But he cupped his hands, collected a few drops, and rubbed it over his face, body, in having missed his usual tumble into a volcano.
And then there was an explosion from the side of a wall as the casturphicopic view of a fist loomed in its opening. Giant Dad adjusted his mask, and his vision returned to normal. That giant hand retreated from below the edge of the land.
Then immensity itself flew up with its bulk stealing all possible view; a beast slamming its arm onto the isle, its fingers crunching into the earth's crust, the monstrosity arching itself in a roll and a roar.
Twilight glanced at Applejack, who in turn, glanced back, with the nod, a few small ones, the calm eyes, expression, and lack of insult to let them know how fucked they were. Rarity looked up at the beast with her back legs closing and a tremble on her lips.
She had no clue, if her charms were needed once more, how she would get the monster to fit. Much less deal with a burning worse than any STD. Fluttershy, instill floating, had been pushed back due to the initial blast and was now slowly floating away.
But was too shy and there was too much else going on to raise a fuss about it.
"Now wouldn't you know it? I actually have legitimate powers after all." Nightmare knew it was too soon to boast as hope was only there to make despair all the more bitter. Things were never good for her. This was a test to get her hopes up as to dash them. "Big. Monsterous. Wanting to kill you lot and not me. Missing an arm but as a few arms of a spider."
Giant Dad was still standing with his arms out.
"Tell me." Nightmare nodded. "Just how do you plan on winning this?"
Giant Dad still kept the pose, but turned to face the monster, who peered down from above. It chuckled. Douses of lava spewing from the corners of its mouth. Its hand crunched more into the ground.
And Giant Dad, in walking toward that hand, gave it a solid few kicks. The six watched on as it didn't make much sense. The hand was made from a density of rock that not even a pickaxe could touch.
What good could the—oh the monster let go.
And now it is falling.
And now it has fallen and, being unable to get up, has agreed to defeat, death, and the fading of its corpse. Nightmare blinked with a relieved breath in nearly getting her hopes up. Now the loss didn't hit as hard.
"Alright." Nightmare walked toward the foe and stopped before him. "Do me next."
"HEY" Rainbow yelled. "GET IN LINE!"
The line would have to take place on the moon as Giant Dad, stepping back and cocking his fist, put all of his force into a lurch for the greatest upper-cut the world had seen. Nightmare blasted like a rocket with a click that blasted to the stars.
The glinting mass, curved in the night sky, until crashing onto the surface of the moon. It cracked the surface and erected an assortment of letters from it. They read as follows.
LEGENDS
NEVER
DIE
Rainbow then dashed toward the oreh of the story with a cheer and the fluttering of wings and the fanning of a tail. "Ooooh! Don't forget you still have to do me."
Giant Dad only knew of one doing.
Which was kicking the mare over the cliff.
And so our noble story—if you were to reverse that word—comes to an end. Twilight Sparkle had decided after this incident that the outside world, while nice, was also filled with other ponies, which diminished the first value.
She learned that, being outside and talking to ponies, that things happened and, greatly disliking this, decided to keep inside. All the problems would be forced to come to her, knock on her door and, thanks for the double lock upon it, had a lower chance of entry.
Fluttershy had soon been collected from the stratosphere and made to join Giant Dad as his appertinace. She became the greatest sorcerer to be born without a horn with an unparalleled power surpassing Celestia. However, she was too scared to ever use it, so none knew that she was magical.
Beyond those that looked into her eyes.
Rainbow Dash had been kicked over the ledge, smacked her head, and forgotten everything. There are no further records of her.
Same with Pinkie.
Rarity had developed a severe neurological and linguistic condition of talking like a muppet without the knowing thereof. Because none could understand her. This would be a death sentence to most. However, because she was a mare, and because she was pretty, and because she had a touch of talent.
She found great, greater than greater success in Canterlot. Because none could understand her, they thought her to be better than them and, in taking to her customs, started speaking like her. Because she still thought normal, she thought the city, strange, and came to wonder what the world was coming to.
Proper nobility started saying phrases like "U wot m8?"
And thus Canterlot became the proper British that most readers will be familiar with.
Applejack had dedicated her life to working out her ability to read ponies stats, what caused them to increase and decrease, and what ability was behind various levels. These papers took to her eventually working with Twilight in Canterlot. The two hated each other.
And promptly got married.
Giant Dad. Well. He kinda does as he does, and we try not to keep track of him. But we assume he is well.
This story was written by a Canadian and somewhat by a British bloke set to be mostly read by Americans. We hope that you enjoyed this story and, if not, we're terribly sorry for it.
Good night!
Author's Note
I'm finding any excuse to strike up a conversation with NC because he is jacked and handsome and talented and, in finding our way onto the subject of Dark Souls, we revisited the Giant Dad video.
I wondered if any shitpost had been written for it.
To my mistake.
I was coming to my 200th story and wanted to do something special for it. You have to be a nut-job to try and enforce meaning onto most things as I do. It's compensation for lack of a life where I must bloat the small into needing liposuction.
So I decided to enlist the help of my best friend, in writing a collaboration together, of the stupidest, dumbest shit, that we would have a blast in doing. It would be dedicated to a person who's art meant a lot to me.
And I thought that all of the above would be a pretty nifty thing.
We got to work, and the starting of a story really knocks it out of you. We made a few days progress before deciding that writing a shitpost was harder than writing a normal story. The latter you could bullshit easily. The former, though, you want it to hang from the side of the rails without actually going off.
So it required thought, thinking, and careful looseness.
And then we quickly were tired by such extortion and decided to go do other things.
I eventually came back to this dusty project. All of the previous meaning it was supposed to be was now gone. In its absence, I decided to make another, which is that, as you get older, the days start to feel the same—even the special ones like Christmas and your birthday.
Therefore even such a special occasion was really no different from the rest and another matter to knock out of the park. So I went up to bat, striking a few balls and missing others and, saying hell to think, decided to write as I pleased onto the page.
And this blotch of black slime was the result.
The story still holds, I think, not as what it was supposed to be, but rather, a reflection of what currently is. I enjoy writing comedy and this work has caused me to want to do it again. I hope that you enjoyed it too. If not—ask for a refund.
Catch you next time.
~ Yr. Pal, B ~
