The sun shone down onto the streets of Canterlot. Mares, and stallions trotted about the city, each having a purpose. She watched them from the window of her house. The stained glass window always had this gleam to it, a sparkle. She felt her lips pursing upwards into the slight smile. Her pink and yellow tail wagging ever so slightly behind her.
The world outside her window was always fascinating. Window watching was her favorite part of her day. Dancing Star was a simple unicorn mare, she had big bright baby blue eyes that sparkled and gleamed even brighter than the stained glass on the window. Her fur was a soft cream shade. She sighed heavily as she heard the jingle of the front door. Her ears flopped downwards, as the smile quickly ceased to a frown. With just barely a whisper, she turned around to greet her parents.
“Hi dad, Hi mom, how was the Gala?” she asked, as she fidgeted on her hooves, trying to avoid the stares of her father. She whimpered, she wasn’t sure how she could make him happy, or be the daughter he wanted her to be.
“Dancing Star…” he scolded as his green eyes stared right into hers, as he could see her shiver.
“Yes, father?” she asked.
“How many times have I told you? A lady is to be presentable at all times. Have you looked at yourself lately? You look like you rolled around in the filthy streets where the commoners and peasants reside. No daughter of mine is going to look like that. Now go and prepare yourself a bath. Starry...dearest what are we going to do with her?” he asked towards her mother.
“I don’t know darling. I have no clue where we have gone wrong…” said her mother, with a heavy sigh, as she felt the forehoof of her husband wrapping around her neck, and nuzzling her. Both of them were confused by her.
She trotted off slowly. So she was dirty. She didn’t see why it was such a big deal. No, she knew but she just didn’t care. She hated dresses! They were just so girly, and frilly, and ruining them was the highlight of her day, until she got caught…. Her father wasn’t too strict or cruel. He only wanted what was best for his daughter, and that meant presenting herself as a lady. Even if she felt nothing like one at all.
She walked through the living quarters, staring at the pictures of the family up on the mantle. There she was in the middle, her father smiling, her mother nuzzling her, as she giggled into the picture, as she saw herself in a pink, frilly, dress suited for a foal. She didn’t remember the picture, she had been too young. She took a moment to stare at it now. Am I naive for feeling the way I feel?
She felt lost in thoughts, these pictures were of happier times. Things seemed different once she started forming opinions of her own. She sulked her way to the master bathroom. The interior was pearl white, a huge hot tub sized tub, with a shower door attached to it, a large double sink area connected to the cabinet, and a toilet with a soft fur covering over the top of the seat. She closed the door behind her, and locked it. She sighed heavily. She felt her knees trembling as she went over to the tub to turn the water to as hot as it would go, letting the water gush into the tub as it started to fill up slowly. She walked over to the double sink area where a large mirror had her own reflection staring back at her.
She was a lovely mare. Beautiful long and curly locks, that her mother helped her straighten. Beautiful baby blues. And yet… there was something not right. An ache in her heart. She stood there, as she let the first tears fall. She wouldn’t let them see that they got to her. She had to be strong, even as she felt weak.
“There’s nothing wrong with me.” she stated to her reflection, her sadness quickly shifting to rage. Staring back at herself, she gritted her teeth, as she lifted a forehoof, wanting to just let out all her rage with one punch. Make her own reflection vanish with just one motion. That was all it would take. She just had to make her move. Yet, she hesitated.
She heard the water filling in the tub as she turned on her hooves, and went to turn it off before it would overfill and make more of a mess. She was a mess. So many emotions and feelings were swirling through her. Whenever she looked at her reflection, she didn’t see a beautiful mare. She didn’t see what her parents wanted her to be.
She put one hoof into the tub as she felt the heat of the water enveloping her front foreleg, and put her second one in, shifting herself into the bath, sinking down so that only her eyes showed from the bath water, the rest of her buried underneath the hot water. The water covered her body, and it would wash away all the dirt, all the mud, and all the things that were physical. However, the water couldn’t erase it all. It couldn’t erase the way she looked, or how they thought of her.
“Why can’t I tell them?” she asked herself, as she clung her forelegs around her knees, sniffening. She cried, letting out the inner turmoil of her heart.
She hated the way she looked. She disliked everything about her body. Beautiful… pfft. She was ugly! Her mane was too long, her tail was too curly and feminine and her cream coat felt too soft for the rough and tough attitude she had. She wanted nothing more than to disappear under the water, for it to erase everything about her, and fix her, like how it washed all the dirt, how it cleansed all the mud and grime away. She knew it wasn’t realistic, she knew at the end of the day, water was just that, water. There was no magic here. But...she knew even if she had magic strong enough to use on her own, she wouldn’t even know where to start.
Dancing Star could hear her father shouting at her mother about all the things she had done wrong, and about how they both needed to be more firm and strict. Didn’t he realize how much he was hurting her by restricting her? She wasn’t allowed to even go outside without one of them with her, for they were afraid if they let her out of their sight for even a moment, she’d run away.
She sat there, eyes lidded shut, as she couldn’t help but think that hadn’t crossed her mind. Running away from the problem. It would be the easier way. But she was stubborn, and she loved her parents. She didn’t want to just leave. She didn’t want them to think they had failed. It wasn’t their fault, she was this way. They wanted to fix her, to help cleanse her of whatever was wrong, but how could they even begin to cure what they didn’t understand? That’s if they even knew. She was terrified to say anything, how would they even handle the truth? That she hated being a mare, that she didn’t want to be beautiful, she wanted to be a strong, rough and tumble stallion. One that was bold, and fierce enough to never let any pony get in their way.
She reached for the loffa and the bottle of expensive bath soap. It was lavender. A girly scent, her mother loved the scent of lavender. She didn’t hate it completely, but she disliked how it made her feel girly. Stallions don’t like softer colors, or at least she didn’t think she would ever like it. She lathered the loffa with the soap and began scrubbing the grease, the grime, the filth off of her cream coated fur. She wanted to wash it all away, as she took a deep breath, and tried to focus on cleaning up.
After she finished cleaning her fur, she reached for the shelf to grab the shampoo for her mane and tail. Of course, it was lavender scented. Everything her mom had seemed to always be the girly, most feminine scented thing possible. Whenever she gazed upon her mother, she could clearly see what she was supposed to be. A lady, a beautiful young mare to a noble family.
She wasn’t supposed to want to be a stallion, she wasn’t supposed to want to get down and dirty, and just have fun imagining herself as a colt. She lathered the shampoo into her mane. She felt her mind wandering as she didn’t hear her father anymore. She finished cleaning herself as she stepped out of the tub, and reached for the towel. She began to dry herself off as she avoided looking in the mirror. The mirror was always a reminder. The reflection showed her that she was a mare, that she was supposed to be beautiful, she was supposed to be proud, to be elegant, to be happy wearing pink, and frilly dresses, but she was anything but happy. She felt miserable. She stood there as she clutched the towel in her forehooves, and sniffled as she tried to hide the tears that fell down her cheeks.
She heard a gentle tap on the door, and the soft melodic voice of her mother.
“Honey, are you okay in there?” she asked, her tone implied concern and compassion.
Dancing Star was anything but okay, but she couldn’t tell her, she didn’t even know how to start, but she figured a good start was by simply telling her to come in.
“Come in mom … I’m fine.” she lied, as she bit her tongue, disgusted at herself. Ladies didn’t lie, and she felt like she was betraying her mother by not being the perfect little angel, the beautiful mare she was supposed to be.
Her mother opened the door, and carefully shut it behind her, so delicately, and so poised, that it made her gut ache with nausea that she could never shut the door so calmly. She preferred slamming it; doing so at least helped a little. Even if she knew being angry and hostile would not change anything. Nothing helped, and no matter how many times she cleansed herself, she hated the reflection in the mirror.
There was this saying she heard a long time ago, that came to her mind every time she looked at herself. Beauty was in the eye of the beholder, and yet there was nothing beautiful about her at all. She hated how she looked, she hated the way she was, she only wished she knew how to even begin to make them understand. How to tell them she wanted nothing more than to be the stallion, she wished she was. Not the beautiful young lady she was supposed to be, but this was Canterlot, and she was from a noble family of wealth and status. Telling them the truth was the last thing she had ever wanted to do, If the others found out, it would ruin their reputation. It wasn’t their fault. They hadn’t done anything wrong. She was the one that didn’t want to be what she was, the one that didn’t want to be beautiful.
