The Bug In The Mirror: How to Speak Properly
Minuette pranced into her room, humming a little tune. She grinned with her eyes nearly closed, rocking her neck back and forth to the music in her head.
Fangs stepped into view, stretched, and froze. Slowly, the drone sat down. He watched the one-pony-parade for a full minute. He started chuckling when his friend’s ears kept pointing his way despite her attempts to project an I-just-don’t-care attitude. That turned into guffaws when her performance came to an end with a frown and pointed stare.
“Well? Aren’t you going to ask me why I’m so happy?”
Fangs got his laughter under control. “But… but why? I was so enjoying the show!”
Minuette huffed and turned around, pointing her nose in the air while giving off the dark brown glow of annoyance.
Fangs moved closer to the mirror. “Ok! Ok! What has you in such a good mood?”
The filly turned around again with a smile, all traces of her previous mood erased. “I learned everything there is to know about you today! All your secrets are mine now.”
That caused Fangs to chirp as he pulled his head back. “I can see how confident you are.”
“Yep! I know why you like me so much and why you always do what I say!”
The drone buzzed his wings for a moment before waving a hoof in a circular pattern. “Oh, this will be good, I can just tell.”
Minuette climbed onto her chair and stood tall. “We learned all about bees in science class today. I even stayed in during recess to read the whole chapter.” She tried hard to loom over Fangs who stood on the floor on his side of the mirror. “Queen bees control everything in their hives and every drone worships them. And I…” She lifted one foreleg high above her head. “… am your queen!”
Just then, the filly overbalanced her chair.
“Whoa!”
With a thud, Minuette toppled to the floor and tumbled into the mirror. Fortunately, it was leaning against the wall and didn’t even budge. She did look up to now see Fangs looming over her.
He let out a trill that sounded more than a bit sarcastic to the filly. “You are not my queen.”
“I am so!” She hoped folding her forelegs across her chest made her look in charge… even though she was still lying on her back.
Fangs slowly shook his head. “No, you’re not. You are my friend. That’s a much better thing.”
Minuette got to her hooves. “Oh? Why’s that?”
He shrugged. “Queens are always ordering drones around and stuff. I don’t recall Queen Trochanter ever saying one… nice…” His eyes went wide.
The filly cocked her head. “What?”
A slow whistle started up from the drone. He waved a forehoof around in a star pattern before saying, “That’s it! I remember! My queen’s name was Trochanter! I … don’t remember much else about my life back then, but I can see her in my head.”
Minuette jumped up and down in excitement. “Wow! Really? What was she like?”
The drone furrowed his brow and stomped his forehooves. “You! Worthless bag of chitin! You’re chewing your food wrong!”
The filly rolled onto her back, laughing.
That earned her a glare. “It’s not funny.”
Minuette kicked her legs to go along with her howls of laughter.
After waiting several seconds, Fangs huffed, “Fine. I’ll not tell you about her.”
In no time at all, the filly had righted herself and pressed her nose against the mirror. “No. I’m sorry. Tell me! Tell me! Tell me!”
The drone turned back around and cocked his head. “OK. Fine. It’s just… I don’t remember all that much besides what she looked like.”
The waves of happiness radiating off the bouncing filly grabbed his attention. The manic look of pure joy could only have one explanation. “No, I am not taking on her form.”
The pink waves of happiness ended along with the bouncing. “Why not?”
“It’s disrespectful … and forbidden.”
The beaming smile was back. “I’ll never tell. Besides, I’m your queen now.”
A snort. “No, you are not my queen, though you act a bit like her sometimes.”
Now the happiness was back along with her forehooves clopping together excitedly. Then the clopping stopped along with the positive emotion. Minuette tilted her head. “Do you miss her?”
“I… I guess I do.” Fangs sat down hard. “You are right about one thing. Bees and my race have something in common. The queen gives meaning to the entire hive. No drone is as important as her.”
Minuette settled down. “Oh… sorry, Fangs. I didn’t mean to make you sad. Maybe… maybe if I found her someday, I could tell her about you. You know, give her a message.”
Her friend looked up. After a bit, he nodded. “That would be nice. But how would you recognize…” He chirped once and pointed a hoof. “Wait. Did you say all that to get me to change into her shape?”
“Huh?”
Fangs saw the confusion spiraling off her and shook his head. “No, never mind. My bad. Ummm…” He took a few steps back from the mirror and drew in a deep breath. “May my queen forgive me.”
Green flames sprang up around his body, reaching out in all directions. When they cleared, a much taller creature stood in his place. The dark grey chitin looked the same, but the backplate shifted through shades of blue and green. Cascading waves of blue hair made up the tail and mane. Huge cat-like green eyes and a long, crooked horn stood out on the queen’s head. The bottom of the legs and the hair were covered with holes.
Minuette gasped. “You’re beautiful!”
Fangs spread his wings. “Of course I am!” he barked out sharply. His eyes went wide and flames engulfed him again. The curtain of green fire fell away showing his drone form. With a groan, he collapsed.
Minuette put her forehooves on the mirror. “Fangs! Are you OK? What happened?”
The drone shakily got to his hooves and shuffled closer to the glass. “I’m fine, just… exhausted. Think… think happy thoughts for a while, please.”
Fangs draining himself too much had happened a couple of times before, so the filly closed her eyes right away. Minuette thought back to how pleased Princess Celestia was with the illusion of her best friend. How proud she felt and how much she wanted to share that happiness with Fangs.
After what felt like forever, she heard, “OK. I’m good now.”
Minuette opened her eyes and Fangs really did look much better. “Are you sure? I can stand here another hour if you want.”
Her friend snorted and waved a forehoof to the right sharply while making a clicking sound with his mouth. “You mean another two minutes? Nah, I’m good.”
She tilted her head. “Why do you keep doing that?”
His left forehoof pulled back and up while the right touched his chest. “Do what?”
Minuette bounced up and down. She had to back up a bit to point at him without hitting the mirror. “There! Right there! You’re clicking and buzzing and making all sorts of buggy noises! You’re wiggling your hooves around, too!”
Fangs deliberately lowered both hooves until they touched the floor. “You don’t want to know.”
That did it. Minuette pronked around the room, singing. “Yes, I do! Yes, I do! I’m never, ever, ever going to stop asking! You’d better tell me now!” Each time she landed, a deep thump rang out.
The drone facehooved as the loud crooning and banging continued. “Would you stop, please! You’re going to get it trouble! Your parents will barge in here! Again!”
The filly halted directly in front of the mirror. She gave her biggest smile. “So you will tell me.”
Fangs covered his eyes with his hooves and let out a huge sigh. “Fine. You win.”
“Eeeeeee…!” Minuette sat in front of the mirror. “So you’re hiding your eyes aaaaaaand opening your wings slowly. What does that mean?”
The drone peeked out. “My wings are open because I’m gathering up the happiness you give off. As for covering my eyes, that’s because you are incorrigible.”
“I sure am!” The filly beamed then her smile slipped.
“You don’t know what that means, do you?”
“Of course I do!”
“So what does it mean, then?”
Minuette grumbled. “You and your cheater emotion reading. Friends should be able to tell each other little lies and get away with it.”
The drone smirked. “Oh, so it’s OK if I—”
Minuette waved a hoof. “No, you just imagined I said that. It never happened!”
Fangs chuckled. “‘It never happened.’ Got it. ‘Incorrigible’ means that you are a little rascal.”
“Hee, hee! I sure am, but you still gotta tell me what’s up with all that… wavey buzzy stuff.”
“OK. But I might as well make this a learning lesson for you. How do you think my people express emotions to each other?”
The filly rolled her eyes. “Ugh! Why do you have to act like Miss Rote Lesson? I get this at school from my teacher! Every question I ask is thrown back as another question.” She lowered her voice. “‘What do you think the answer is, Minuette?’” She saw from her friend’s amused smile that he wasn’t going to just give her the answer.
Minuette threw up her hooves. “Fine, I’ll guess!” She thought about it for a while then cocked her head. “Don’t you just express emotions like a pony would?”
The drone shook his head. “No. We’re emotion eaters, remember?”
“Oh yeah.” The filly tapped her chin with a hoof. “I guess that would be like throwing up every time you wanted to say something.”
“I…” Fangs blinked a few times. “I never thought about it that way.”
“Snrrrk! Why, yes. I am super smart, thank you!”
The drone sighed. “Moving on. We use gestures with our hooves to express emotion. It’s called ‘hoof-speak.’”
“Huh. Really?”
“Yep. Now how do you think we talk?”
Minuette grinned. “Oh, that’s an easy one. ‘How cool are ponies?’ ‘Oh, they’re super-cool, especially fillies.’ ‘Yeah, nothing is cooler than fillies, I agree.’”
The drone looked upwards. “Ancestors preserve me. No, not ‘what’ we talk about—how do we talk? What language?”
“Ummm… Equish? Prench? Germane? I don’t know.”
Fangs shook his head. “We learn a pony language later. Try again.”
After a few seconds, Minuette’s eyes went wide. “Wait! All that buzzing and clicking and stuff. That’s your birth language?”
“’Native language’ and yes. That’s ‘hive-speak.’”
“Oh, yeah. I can do that, I bet.”
The drone gave her a disbelieving look. “Really?”
“Sure, watch this!” Minuette backed up a couple of steps and waved her forehooves in all directions. “Buzz… chirp click CLACK trrrr… pick pock ZZZzzzZZZZzzz… click click click!”
Fangs closed his eyes and covered his ears. “Stop! Stop!”
The filly did so. “Why, what did I say?”
The drone sighed. “More nonsense than normal. Along with the emotions you expressed with your hooves, it was painful.”
“So tell me. What did I really say?”
Fangs narrowed his eyes. “Do you promise not to laugh?”
“No way. Now tell me before I do it again.”
They stared at each other for several seconds before Fangs caved. “You said something like, ‘I’m worried when I jump out of the excited pony-rock and crawl with embarrassed wings to the happy mushroom.”
Minuette rolled onto her back laughing. She kicked her legs in the air for over a minute while her friend glared at her. Eventually, she got back onto her hooves. “Oh… oh, my. That’s the funniest thing you’ve ever said. I’m going to try again.”
Fangs made a trilling sound with his mouth. “No, you’re not. I won’t have you making fun of how I talk. Either speak properly or not at all, young lady.” His eyes went wide.
The grinning filly moved up right next to the mirror. “Did you just say you were going to teach me?”
The drone narrowed his eyes. “Do you really want to learn a whole new language from scratch? Actually, two languages. And the only other person you can talk to is me?”
The pronking started again. “Yes! Yes! Yes! Our own secret language! Like we’re secret agents deep in enemy territory! Only we can save the princess!”
This time the drone let his friend tire herself out. When she finally settled down, he said, “OK. Are you ready? I’m going to make the basic sounds that form our words. Your trilling and clicking were pretty good, but you’ll have to make something up to sound like a drone’s wing buzz.”
Minuette shook her head. “Nuh-uh! I wanna talk like a queen!”
More wing buzzing and a wave down and to the left with a hoof. “No, I don’t think so. Queens yell and give orders all the time. They are never friendly.”
“What about when one queen talks to another queen?”
“I…” Fangs tilted his head and gaped. “I… never thought of that, either.”
His friend beamed. “That’s because I think like a queen!”
The drone tried to make words but failed. After a while, he said, “You might be right. I can’t imagine any queen talking politely, though.” He sighed. “Fine! I’ll teach you how to speak like a queen after you master everything else.”
Minuette vibrated up and down, clopping her hooves. “Yay!”
Fangs rolled his eyes, which for someone with compound eyes meant rotating his head in a small circle. “We’ll see how hard you study. I’m betting you get bored after two days.”
“You’re on! Now stop stalling! What’s first?”
The drone sighed and sat down. “We will see. Queens always express their emotion. To just use hive-speak is unrefined for a queen.” At the wisps of confusion, he said, “That means crude. Like talking with your mouth full.”
“I can do that! Buuuuuuut I’m not supposed to. OK. Always talk both hive-speak and hoofsie-speak at the same time.”
“It’s hoof-speak. Now pay attention. Each emotion has five degrees, which is another word for ‘level.’ This is the hoof-speak gesture for first-degree happiness along with the hive-speak word which is the same for all degrees. Try to make the sound and the motion at the same time.” He waved his left forehoof down then slightly to the left. “Trrr…CLICK” (“Happy”)
Minuette followed the motion exactly. “TrrRRRrrr… CLACK!” (“Kumquat!”) She beamed. “That was perfect, wasn’t it?”
Fangs coughed to cover up his laughter. “Pretty close. Keep the volume low for the whole trill and make the second half a ‘click’ instead of a ‘clack’.”
“OK. I’ll try.” She took a breath then repeated the gesture. “Trrrrrrr… CLICK!” (“Haaaaaappy!”)
Her friend smiled. “Not bad. Kind of a funny accent but any drone would understand you.”
More hoof clopping. “Woo hoo! More! More!”
“OK. For second-degree happiness, you make this motion…”
Queen Chrysalis landed in front of her bowing subjects. The glow given off by the crystal caverns caused her iridescent wings to shimmer. She folded them and glared down at the nearest prostrate drone. “Buzz click click chrrr CLACK trrr… HISSS…” “Everyling get up and stop wasting my time! Captain Flamehorn, report.”
The burly changeling stood and met his queen’s eyes. “Dread Queen, all drones are in position. They will surround the shield at noon tomorrow. There, they will await your signal.”
“Do not fail me. I will hold you responsible if they are not ready.” She looked to her right. “Creased Wing! Where are your infiltration teams?”
A very thin drone stepped out of the shadows and bowed. “Both teams are stationed inside the Royal Guard Armory. They will lock the area from the inside at your signal.”
“For your sake, make sure they do.”
The drone bowed and retreated into the darkness. Chrysalis stared down at the three finely dressed mares on her left. The blue, green, and white ponies were all unicorns. She moved closer to check the green glow in their eyes. “Sergeant Lacewing, report.”
The nearest drone lowered his head. “The three bridesmaids have been green-locked and ordered to be silent. They cannot feel fear or disgust. They await your orders.”
“Make sure these ponies…” The queen’s gaze snapped upward. “Thorax! Mandible! What are you two idiots doing?”
Behind the blue mare, two changelings sat with goofy grins on their faces and their wings outstretched.
“We can’t help it,” said Thorax.
“She’s just so happy,” said Mandible.
Chrysalis looked down. Sure enough, the white and green ponies stood with the dopey expressions of the fully hypnotized. The blue mare with a white and purple mane smiled up at her. With a glow of her horn, the queen verified the strength of the enchantment.
Chrysalis turned to Lacewing. “Ah, I understand. This is the entomologist Topaz Showers. No doubt experiencing some fantasy about studying oversized insects.”
The blue mare shook her head slightly and radiated amusement to spice the waves of happiness.
Thorax spoke up. “No, Your Majesty. This mare is named Minuette. She is a dental surgeon.”
Lacewing blinked. “It can’t… Dread Queen, this mare is following our conversation.”
Minuette glanced toward the Sergeant and her lips twitched further upward.
Chrysalis put her face directly in front of the mare. “Impossible. No pony can understand hive-speak.”
Minuette radiated exasperation along with a touch of derision.
Creased Wing moved back out of the shadows. “Your Majesty, if ponies can understand our secret language, then all of our plans are compromised! I recommend—”
The drone stopped speaking when his queen raised a hoof. Chrysalis stared at the ecstatic pony in front of her for several seconds before barking out, “You two! Stop with your infernal feeding!” With a disappointed sigh, Thorax and Mandible lowered their wings and opened their eyes.
Chrysalis tapped her chin and spoke in Equish. “You! Blue pony. Why are you so happy? Speak!”
Now Minuette radiated waves of impatience.
The queen’s eyelid twitched. Her stare landed on Lacewing. “Sergeant, how strong was the compulsion to keep them silent?”
The drone shuffled his hooves. “Ahhh… Perhaps stronger than the instruction to follow orders? The green one screamed incessantly when captured.”
Chrysalis growled. “Must I do everything to have it done properly? Fine. I will cancel and reimpose the compulsion myself.” With a flash of her horn, the glow from the blue mare’s eyes disappeared.
Minuette stood on her hind legs. “IMPERTINENT WASTES OF CHITIN, ALL OF YOU! BOW DOWN BEFORE YOUR BETTERS!” This was accompanied by hoof motions for third-degree anger and fifth-degree scorn.
Lacewing and Creased Wing slammed their muzzles into the ground. Thorax fell onto his back. Mandible fainted. For her part, Chrysalis backed up three steps, wide-eyed. She cringed reflexively and shivers wracked her body. “What… what?”
“ARE YOU A DEFECTIVE GRUBLING OR A QUEEN? SPEAK PROPERLY WITH YOUR HOOVES OR NOT AT ALL!” This time with second-degree impatience and fourth-degree derision.
Chrysalis raised her hooves and motioned. “Sorry… Your Majesty? Why are you—”
Minuette cut her off. “Second-degree envy? Really?” The crisp third-degree exasperation gesture drove her point home.
The changeling queen groaned. “Shards of the First Egg! Mother told me I should have paid more attention to her hoof-speak lessons.” Minuette’s narrow-eyed glare caused Chrysalis’ ears to twitch. The queen stood up straight and snarled. Chrysalis switched to Equish. “No! You are in my territory now. You can’t talk to me that way even if—”
Minuette motioned fifth-degree authority. “Enough dawdling! No queen has time for this nonsense. And don’t you DARE disrespect me by talking in the pony language.” Into the intervening shocked silence, the mare gestured fourth-degree impatience. “I have a message for Queen Trochanter. Do I or do I not have the displeasure of addressing that fermented pile of grub-feed?”
Chrysalis’ mouth hung open. “Queen Trochanter!? She was my ancestor from…. twelve-hundred years ago!” Belatedly, the queen realized she had forgotten to gesture any emotion.
The blue mare rolled her eyes, motioning her fourth-degree disgust. “Again with the unrefined manners, why would I expect anything else? Listen carefully, hatchling. Are you SURE you are not Queen Trochanter?” This time Minuette motioned fifth-degree disbelief.
“Enough!” Chrysalis’ horn glowed and green spots returned to Minuette’s eyes. “You will be silent and accept the orders of any changeling!” The queen accompanied this with motions of third-degree assuredness and fifth-degree mirth… which belatedly changed to the similar fifth-degree certainty. She switched to Equish to address all three mares. “You three will prevent any pony from leaving the caverns! My plans remain unchanged!”
Lacewing raised his head. “M… my queen, is that truly another—”
“I don’t care!” Chrysalis caught herself before gesturing with her hooves. With a growl, she deliberately placed them on the ground. “It never happened. Do you hear me? IT… NEVER… HAPPENED!”
The Sergeant nodded emphatically. “Yes, Your Dread Majesty.”
Chrysalis looked beyond the mares. “Mandible! Take these three…” That’s when she noticed that particular drone was still out cold. “Thorax! You take these mares to the chamber at the entrance to the caverns. The rest of you! Go do your assigned tasks. I have a wedding to attend.”
After a few moments filled with the buzzing of wings, only the three mares, a blinking Thorax, and a snoring Mandible remained.
Thorax looked around and then back to the three ponies. After a few seconds, he waved with a hoof. “Well, come along.”
Perhaps not coincidentally, Thorax positioned himself next to Minuette as the four trotted through the tunnels. The drone opened his wings without thinking to soak up the positive emotions.
After they reached their destination, Thorax shuffled on his hooves.
He looked up at Minuette. Sure enough, the blue mare had that same smile accompanied by a powerful glow of happiness. “You know, if you want to give me a hug, that would be fine by me.”
Minuette smiled even wider and wrapped his neck in her forelegs. The drone’s smile turned goofy and his eyes closed. “Eeeeeeee!!!”
Author's Note
The concept of hand/hoof motions being an essential part of the spoken language comes from Alan Dean Foster's Thranx race. Specifically Nor Crystal Tears which is the prelude novel for his Humanx universe.
Again, this flight of fancy is in no way related to Skijarama's story canon for The Bug In The Mirror. The author has graciously given me permission to publish this story.