My Tax Policy?

by Leondude

Rating: everyone
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life
Length: 1265

Apparently, Celestia spent so much time training Twilight to wield the unlimited power of friendship, she had forgotten to teach her how to effectively run Equestria. Such as proposing a new tax policy.

Despite Celestia’s best efforts to groom her into being her successor, there are many things that she had forgotten to teach her former protege. One of which being how to propose an acceptable tax policy so she could avoid any potential riots and military coups down the line.

Yeah, being princess of all of Equestria is definitely harder than it looks.

Part of the Twilight's Bureaucracy series.

My Tax Policy?

Twilight Is Fed Up Of The Vocal Minority's $#!%

Where The [REDACTED] Did I Go Wrong?!

Celestia Goes Crazy And Stuff

Published 2020-11-30 21:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2020-11-30 21:50:01 UTC

Yes, Your Tax Policy

Twilight stared at the thrones that originally belonged to the two sisters, absolutely befuddled on which one is the best to sit on. Celestia’s throne was the one closest to the sun and could keep her all nice and cosy during the winter but would be an absolute nightmare to occupy during the summer. Luna’s throne, on the other hoof, offers a gentle breeze that could very quickly become biting come winter. She could visit Cloudsdale to get a copy of the weather timetable so she could construct a perfectly effective seating plan for the thrones but what would happen if something went wrong in the weather process? What if one day was colder than it should have been? Luckily for her, her anxious train of thought was interrupted by the sound of the throne room doors opening.

“Your Majesty,” one of the guards said, “You have a visitor.”

Twilight turned around and, right next to the guard, she saw a unicorn stallion levitating a notebook. She could tell from the short combed-over mane and sickly green tie that it was the same reporter pony that said she would have been more interesting if she stayed in Canterlot.

“Princess Twilight. I’m with the Canterlot Chronicle,” the reporter pony introduced himself, “I’m sure you remember me from our last encounter when you published your Friendship Journals.”

“Yeah, that was a disaster,” Twilight deadpanned.

“But not as disastrous as your coronation,” the reporter pony said haughtily, “Speaking of which, it’s been two days since your coronation and I, like many ponies, have but one question to ask. What is your tax policy?”

Twilight gulped, “My tax policy?”

“Yes,” the reporter pony replied, “How else are you going to pay for the royal guards or public services like your own School of Friendship? Bits don’t grow on trees, you know.”

“It’s true, they don’t,” the guard bluntly stated.

Another guard popped his head through the open castle doors, “And if they did, that would result in hyperinflation. Which would buck up our economy.”

“Uh…” Twilight trailed off as she tried to think of a good tax policy, “Excuse me for one moment.”

“Of course,” the reporter pony said.

And with a flash, Twilight teleported out of the throne room and onto the sunny beaches of Silver Shoals. She turned around and saw Luna sunbathing on an inflatable bed.

“Twilight,” Luna said, “What a pleasant surprise.”

“Do you know where Celestia is?” Twilight asked.

Luna pointed to the sea, where Twilight saw her former mentor on a jet-ski. As she was in a hurry, Twilight teleported in front of Celestia. Evidently, her sudden appearance had startled the retired ruler of Equestria as she was sent hurtling into the sand the moment she hit the brakes on her jet-ski. Twilight didn’t even think it was physically possible for a jet-ski to stop that quickly. She flew over to the former princess, whose head was stuck in the sand like an ostrich, and tried to pull her out.

“Oh, hello Twilight,” Celestia said as soon as her head was freed from the sand, “I wasn’t expecting you to visit so soon.”

“I need your help!” Twilight frantically exclaimed.

Celestia looked at her former pupil inquisitively, “Did a rampaging beast kidnap your friends?”

“Nope,” Twilight replied.

“An unsolvable friendship problem?” Celestia continued to inquire.

Twilight shook her head.

Celestia shrugged, “Well, I’m out of guesses. What’s the situation?”

“I don’t have a tax policy,” Twilight replied.

“Oh…” Celestia said in an unsurprised yet a little disappointed tone, “Well, that’s not so bad.”

“But what if I run out of money to buy things needed to teach Friendship Lessons?!” Twilight frantically asked “Or what if the guards and the army don’t get paid? Are they gonna stage a coup against me?!”

As Twilight began to hyperventilate, Celestia chuckled and levitated over a paper bag for her to breathe in.

“I see how those can be a problem,” Celestia said calmly, “To be honest with you, ponies complaining about taxes was one of the many reasons I had decided to retire.”

“Really?” Twilight asked, “What was your tax policy like?”

“I had everypony pay me one hundred and fifty bits at the end of every month,” Celestia replied, “Except for the poor. They only had to pay me one bit.”

“Wouldn’t it get confusing if everypony had to pay different amounts for their taxes?” Twilight asked.

“Not necessarily,” Celestia replied, “Though I suppose it would explain why many of the nobles in my time were unhappy with having to pay more than the common folk. Still, the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. I’m surprised you are unfamiliar with how I used to run things. I thought you would have read a book about it.”

Twilight sheepishly looked away, “Well, when you’ve been busy hanging out with your friends and teaching others how to make friends, along with the occasional adventure and monster battle, you kinda don’t have a lot of time to read books as much you used to.”

Celestia chuckled, “I suppose that’s true. If there’s time, I’d suggest you go to the Canterlot Library and borrow whatever you can about taxes. I trust you’d think up a policy that everypony can agree on.”

“Thank you, Celestia,” Twilight said before teleporting away again.

“Doesn’t it seem a bit odd that you chose Twilight as our successor and yet you never taught her what to do about taxes?” Luna asked.

“I thought congress would take care of it,” Celestia replied.

“You mean parliament?” Luna asked.

Celestia shrugged, “Same thing.”

While she was still uneasy, Twilight calmly stood upon the balcony and addressed her subjects below. And if things went wrong, she had a pair of guards by each of her sides.

“Everypony, may I have your attention please?” Twilight announced, “As Princess of Equestria, I hereby declare as part of my tax policy, everypony will have to pay 95 bits every two months.”

One of the ponies below shrugged, “Well, it’s better than what Celestia made us pay up.”

And with that, everypony rejoiced at their new princess’ tax policy. Except for the two guards accompanying the princess, who gave each other a concerned look.

“D’you think we can live off of 95 bits every two months,” one guard asked the other.

“I certainly hope so,” the other guard replied, “I have two fillies to feed.”

Author's Note

This story was inspired by a quote from George R.R. Martin, who wrote the A Song of Ice and Fire books that many would know were adapted into Game of Thrones:

Ruling is hard. This was maybe my answer to Tolkien, whom, as much as I admire him, I do quibble with. Lord of the Rings had a very medieval philosophy: that if the king was a good man, the land would prosper. We look at real history and it’s not that simple. Tolkien can say that Aragorn became king and reigned for a hundred years, and he was wise and good. But Tolkien doesn’t ask the question: What was Aragorn’s tax policy?

Fun fact: This story was originally supposed to be a funny little animation made in Blender 2.8. I would link the video explaining how that didn't come to pass but it contains strong language, which I don't think I can get away with in an E-rated fic even if it's only in the Author's Notes. Though do feel free to PM me if you'd like to watch the video.