Anon’s a Villain Again

by Yellowtail

Rating: teen
Tags: King Sombra, Profanity, Random, Violence, Princess Celestia, Alternate Universe, Human, Main 6, Anon, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Cadance, Dark, Comedy
Length: 15255

Remember how he was a villain? Yeah. He started running out of money, so he decided to be a super villain, but elsewhere.

So, villainy was profitable the first time. Anon managed to wrangle up revenue from properties he owned, but due to how every pony was still a little pissed, they got some dope lawyers and kicked him out of the country. Thankfully, he’s still got his squad to back him up as he decides to come out of retirement and be a super villain in the Crystal Empire instead... that is, until some jackass tries to do it first.

This time around, there’ll be like, three chapters and an epilogue.
Warning: naughty no-no words.

Featured: January 7, 2021

Published 2021-01-07 17:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2021-03-17 14:10:58 UTC

This Is No Ordinary Electric Boogaloo...

I look at my cease and desist letter from royalty. “... You’re exiling me,” I note. Princess Celestia, sitting across from me nods.

“Indeed. You’ve caused a financial scandal of a grand scale,” she says.

“But... I literally gave everything back, aside from a couple of legal businesses and properties that I either destroyed or liquidated both physically and-slash-or financially,” I say. She nods. “This isn’t because I forgot to get the miners out of the mines is it?”

“No, they do that every so often on their own accord, but I can’t just sit by, knowing one of Equestria’s most dangerous villains lives within its border, capable of bring us to our knees again with a snap. So, I took legal actions, actions you understand and follow,” she says. “I’m liable to have you taken to the dungeons for tax reasons.” To this, she takes out a note. It has a list of tax-related crimes. Well, I knew they would go after me with legal action, but I thought it’d be for psychological reasons. Either way, I can take a guess as to how they’ll punish me, for which I already prepared. Nonetheless, I need to play a facade until it’s too late for them. I huff.

“And what if I don’t follow them?” I ask.

“The red dot on your forehead should tell you that,” Celestia says with a smirk. I freeze and look around. I can see Bones, my right-hand-dog-guard, looking at me. He nods. I look at her and snicker.

“You wouldn’t-“ I’m interrupted by a loud bang, and several windows breaking. I look down nervously to see several holes making an outline of my shadow. “... So, how do I proceed?” I ask nonchalantly. Celestia unrolls another paper.

“You are to liquidate everything in this castle, including the castle itself. Every bit of property you own will belong to-“

“Done,” I say, sighing my name quickly and giving her a smile. She freezes.

“... What did you do?” She asks.

“Why, I’m simply giving you everything I own in Equestria, if I sign this. Isn’t that right?” I ask. She nods. “Then, that’s what I did.” Bones, who isn’t wearing his usual armor, but regular clothes, looks at me in awe as I get up. Celestia glares at me.

“No, you did something- What did you do!?” She yells. I give her a smile.

“Business practices for when a ship is sinking. I was never a business major, but I’m sure what I said is still truthful to a degree.” I look at Bones. “Round up the troops, we’re moving.”

“W-wait, hold on-“ Celestia says as I start walking away. “Wait you- hold on!” She uses magic to stop me.

“What? I thought you wanted me gone, and to claim everything I’ve got. After all, expensive lawyers are expensive, the time it took to bring me to this point was a long wait, so what could possibly stop you?” I ask.

“... We’re allowing you to keep five percent of everything we take,” Celestia says. “You can use it to get out of this country and never return.”

“Thanks, but you can keep the spare change,” I say. Celestia releases me, and I turn to smile at her. She did exactly what I thought she would.

“Anon, what. Did. You. Do,” Celestia presses.

“I already told you, business practices,” I say. Bones, now realizing what’s going on, gives a laugh, drawing panic from Celestia. “Now, Bones, tell everybody we’re packing up.” He laughs a bit more.

“Lord, can I give a hint?” He asks.

“Sure, why not,” I say, walking out of the throne-table room. Bones looks at Celestia with a smug look.

“Notice my lord’s massage chair isn’t around?” He asks. Without an answer, he walks out, yelling at guards to pack up. Celestia’s eyes turn to pinpricks. She looks around the room and feels dread build up. A plastic chair was what I was sitting in at the head of the table. Celestia looks up to see that there’s no chandelier. In fact, now that she’s looking more closely, she noticed how the walls look a bit flimsy. Rather odd considering they’re stone walls. She squints and uses magic to poke a slab of stone. It’s firm, but not as firm as stone should be... wait, is that paint? Celestia looks down to notice that rug is kind of cheap looking. It’s also really plain. Suddenly, it clicks to her as to what I had implied.

“No...” she whispers. She gallops out of the room, and looks around the castle at the different rooms. They’re all empty. The dungeons have been filled with dirt, but Celestia is sure I made them unusable. She keeps looking around as she realizes that there is very little value to this castle. “No, it’ll be fine, there’s still his properties away from the castle,” Celestia assures herself. However, little did she know, I liquidated all my properties as well. In fact, the only thing of real value, is the table in the throne room. That was like, five to six thousand bits. The trick is, I need to escape Equestria before they revise the contract and force me to sign it. I guarantee you that those ponies just wanted me gone, and money problems were an afterthought. The contract I signed exiles me, I know that for fact since I could see the words ‘exile’ and ‘Equestria’ in the same sentence. Thus, once I fulfull this contract, I’ll be out of the country and outside legal bounds.

Sure, I was in trouble for tax purposes, but they thought that liquidating my assets would be enough to recover from it. Thus, they assumed it would be recovered from the contract I signed. Which means, the government has acknowledged that my debts are paid off via assets. If they try to force me to sign it outside of the country, the United countries of the world would then have to retaliate against that. I sure hope Celestia tries, because it was funny when they were on their knees the first time. However, I don’t think they’re that stupid. However, my concerns are no longer about Equestria. I already booked passage to a different country for me and my personal army. I have an offshore account that houses all of my money, so I can just pull funds from that. The problem is: I no longer have a source of income. So, I’m gonna have to come out of early retirement. Time to be a villain somewhere else. But where, one would wonder. Well, of course, I still wanna mess with Equestria, but in a different way. And since the Crystal Empire is a close ally of theirs, why the fuck not? Celestia’s niece rules there, so it’s gonna be fun as hell.

I hum as I snack on some bacon jerky next to Bones, who’s going over plans. We’re in a train cart, which is filled by almost fifty of my forces. There are three other twin carts filled with fifty diamond dogs. I’d say there are about four hundred dogs in my forces, so I sent half of them ahead of time to establish a sort of base of operations. To lead them temporarily, I sent Wretch and Frank with them. Wretch is good with numbers, and Frank has the luck of a spiteful old bat. In any case, I’m traveling with Bones, eating bacon jerky. On the other hand, Bones is establishing battle plans. “... So we might have to cut back for our budget, which means forces may or may not be under equipped. Unless, we could train for some of our staff to be medics.”

“Uh Huh,” I say.

“... My lord, you seem a little down today,” Bones notes. I sigh.

“Well, it feels a bit too smooth,” I say. Bones quirks an eyebrow.

“What does?” He asks.

“This. This plan. This whole escape plan was my first plan, and I had like, two back up plans. Now I can’t use my back up plans. Do you have any idea how frustrating it is to have back up plans that aren’t even used because the first plan worked too well?” I ask.

“... No, sir, I don’t,” Bones replies.

“Well, I guess it doesn’t matter. When we get to the Empire, I’ll-“ I’m suddenly interrupted by the cart suddenly launching into the air. Bones’ eyes widen as he realizes this and yells out as I simply buckle my seat belt. Odd how trains have seat belts, but then again, this isn’t a normal world. The cart lands with a crash, and the windows let me see that we’re sliding along snowy ground. “It appears my problem is resolved. Now, I don’t have any plans period,” I sarcastically remark to myself. Finally, the cart comes to a halt and I unbuckle my belt. “Time to see what the hell happened.” I lean down, pat Bones’ head as he pants in panic, and walk out of the cart’s doors. Outside, I can see a series of large black crystals jutting out of the train tracks, piercing through the various train carts. My guard dogs all bumble around, trying to find their bearings. I frown. This looks like competition.

“Wait, you’re not ponies!” A distorted voice yells. I look up to see a grey and black unicorn standing on top of a floating black crystal. I point at him and launch some lightning. However, he notices the flash and quickly brings up a shield. “Pitiful creature, can’t you see-“ I pull out my gun and shoot him. I still have too many rubber bullets, so I’m not wasting them. This time, he isn’t prepared and yells in pain while holding his head. The crystal he was floating on falls, crashing in front of me.

“Do you have any idea how much this trip costed?” I asked. “Do you have any idea how costly it is to move AN ENTIRE HEADQUARTERS!?!?” I yell. The unicorn groans, getting up. I shoot again, but he brings up a black crystalline shard to protect himself. Then, the crystal snaps and cracks into millions of pieces, which point towards me. Uh oh. I furrow my brow and bring up a hand as the million of tiny shards rush towards me. I bring up a magical shield, which was able to stop the shards. I let down my shield and watch as the pieces fall to the ground.

“Do you have any idea who you’re messing with?” The unicorn asks, his eyes turning into green and red, with purple mist coming out.

“No, but I know you’re expensive competition,” I growl. By now, the diamond dogs are surrounding us, watching in nervousness. The unicorn looks around and smirks.

“Hear me, mutts. My name is King Sombra. I issue a challenge to your leader,” he says. “A battle, for your loyalty.”

“My lord! Don’t accept!” Bones yells from the crowd. I can see a lot of my forces glancing around. I don’t question their loyalty, not one bit. However, I’m pissed off because the train ride was really expensive. I slowly look back at the prideful unicorn.

“Rather bold of you to assume you’re a king,” I call out. Sombra scoffs.

“Bold of you to assume you’re better,” he remarks. He’s not going to back down. I can see it in his eyes. Good. However, I can’t do this duel now. I’m underprepared.

“I’ll accept, but I propose we each prepare,” I say.

“Oh? Afraid?” Sombra asks.

“I didn’t take over Equestria by showing my ass,” I growl.

“You? Taking over Equestria? Preposterous!” Sombra laughs. He drops his grin as he looks at me. “To take over Equestria, you’d need control over their irritating princesses.”

“Buddy, I had the rulers in the palm of my hand,” I say.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” he snarls.

“Either way, I would like to prepare for this duel you’re suggesting,” I say.

“... Very well. Tomorrow, we shall battle in the middle of the Crystal Empire,” Sombra announces. I nod. To this, Sombra turns around and walks off, into the field of snow. Bones comes up to me.

“My lord, what are we to do?” He asks.

“Gather the equipment, take what’s not broken, and March into our new base,” I say. “If we can get there quick enough, we can prepare far more than him.”

Near the edge of the Crystal Empire, there is a gated off area full of warehouses. Of course, this is my base of operations. I calmly walk in one of the warehouses, eyeing the progress my troops are making. We’ve had to go under the budget I had laid out. I mean, that’s always the goal for me, but this was more than I expected. Apparently, bits are a bit inflated in the Crystal fucking Empire. I really shouldn’t have trusted that dated economics book. So, for now, my guards are equipped with less-than-agreeable bronze. It’s hella strong, don’t get me wrong, but it doesn’t look as intimidating as iron. I mean, come on. What do you think of when you think of bronze? Pennies? The Statue of Liberty!? I swear to God, I’m going to force the economy to go down when I get my hands on those-

“Sir!?” Bones yells, making me jump.

“What!?” I yell back. Bones winces.

“I was just coming to ask, why are we preparing for a takeover?” He asks. “I thought we had to deal with competition first?”

“Well- I could wait. Or, I could go ahead and nab all those resources, secure fundings and finances, and best of all, rub it into that stupid face of that bastard.”

“Isn’t that... cheating?” Bones asks.

“I’m a villain. Why in the holy fuck would I care?” I ask.

“HEY BOSS!!!” Frank yells, making Bones and I jump.

“Oh- what now you lobotomization failure!?” I yell. He points out a door. I groan and walk over to it. I peek out and throw it open as what I see disgusts me to my very core. Outside, the castle is covered in dark crystals. Hordes of ponies are marching, wearing the goofiest looking helmets with green goggles I’ve ever seen. At the top of the crystalline tower, sits a golden throne with- oh that motherfucker. “HE FUCKIN’ CHEATED!!!” I yell in fury.

“Citizen,” a robotic voice calls. I look over to see armored crystal ponies wearing the same goofy helmets. “You are required to-“ I zap them to a crisp, causing them all to fall over.

“I guess I’m taking care of this now. If I’m taking care of it now, I better suit up,” I remark. As I walk back in, Bones runs up.

“Uh, my lord, it might take me a bit to gather the troops to-“

“No. This is really personal now. Just make sure the troops are ready to take over the Empire,” I say.

“W-what if you lose?” Bones asks. I stop and look back at him.

“You’ll know what to do,” I remark. With that, I walk away and get ready, ignoring the prying eyes of my underlings as they see my angry demeanor.

About a few hours later, the crystal doors to the castle slam open as I waltz in. I wear a long black tailcoat, which covers a little over half my legs, with and opening in the middle to allow me to walk. Under the coat, is a yellow shirt with khakis. The collar of my suit has a lot of fluff, almost covering half of my face. Lightning bolts are etched onto my sleeves. Of course, I needed a hat. Nothing says evil more than wearing a grey flat cap with an expensive suit. I got this outfit like, months ago, but I could never find the opportune time to wear it. The room I stormed into is made of crystal, a large crystal chandelier in the center above. A larger set of stairs rest at the other end, just past two large doors leading to other parts of the castle. Murals sits to either side of the door I came through, casting a tinted light that formed artistic nonsensical picture on the floor. “ALRIGHT SOMBRA, YOU BIG FUCKING NERD-“ I stop yelling to slam my fists together, causing lightning to jump out and around me. “NOBODY CALLS DIBS IN THIS BUSINESS BUT ME!!!”

“Oh, what have we here?” Sombra’s voice echoes. “You know, the early bird gets the worm.”

“But the second mouse gets the cheese,” I counter.

“That wit of yours sure is sharp, but allow me to-“ I interrupt him by groaning.

“Look man, I’ve got a schedule to go by, so can we hurry this up?” I ask.

“Oh?” His voice whispers to my left. I snap and zap in that direction, but I hit nothing. “Why hurry?” He asks behind me. I whip around, pulling out my gun and firing a couple shots, only hitting the walls of the huge room.

“Because fuck you in general,” I answer. A chuckle rings out.

“Oh? Why don’t we work together?” Sombra asks.

“Because the fact that you suggest it means you know I’ll win,” I counter. “And to be honest, you sound like the backstabbing political type. I don’t have any patience for that.”

“Oh, believe me, I wouldn’t make you wait,” Sombra hisses. Suddenly, I hear cracking noises. I look up and quickly jump out of the way as black shards crash down on where I was.

“No fisticuffs? Too weak to take me on your own!?” I yell.

“Oh, I could take you,” a Sombra growls. “I just wanted to have fun-“

The windows crash and I feel something slam into me. Almost in slow motion, I look back to see a terrified looking Rainbow Dash as we start flying off. Through the window, I caught glimpses of various colors, like pink, white, purple, and that was all it took to let me know what’s going on. Rainbow and I tumble across the floor, my hat falling off. “Son of a bitch,” I groan in pain.

“What!?” Sombra yells.

“Ow...” Rainbow groans. Her friends finally come in, and gasp as they see me.

“Wait... Anon!? So it was you all along!?” Twilight yells.

“No, dipshit,” I say, getting up.

“I bet you’re just up to no good again!” Applejack says, huffing.

“I mean- you’re not wrong,” I answer truthfully. “But no, this isn’t my scheme.”

“It’s mine,” Sombra says, grabbing everyone’s attention. We all look up to see Sombra, with a robe and crown, glaring at all of us. “Of course, you pesky ponies would be here to stop me.” I quickly saw an opportunity and take it. It seems that Sombra’s smart about me, but then again, if I remember correctly, Twilight and her pals literally killed him last time. Or, was it Spike? Either way, perfect opportunity since then I can outnumber him.

“Yeah, I was actually trying to stop him!” I say. I mean, I am. I’m trying to stop him, so that I can take his place immediately right after.

“... He’s telling the truth y’all,” Applejack says, helping Rainbow Dash up. I get up nodding.

“I always do,” I says. Applejack raises an eyebrow, frowning. “... Except last time, sure, but generally I am.”

“How are we sure you won’t try to take over the Empire immediately right after?” Pinkie asks with a suspicious hum.

“Enough of this!” Sombra yells, stomping and sending off a shockwave of black shards. I bring up a magic shield and held back against his attack. Twilight and her friends all jumped to avoid it and get into an aggressive stance.

“Stop destroying shit! You’ll decrease the estate’s value!” I yell.

“Anon- who cares how much this castle is worth right now!?” Rarity yells.

“Naturally, Anon does!” A voice yells from outside. I glance over and do a double take as I realize Bones, Wretch, and Frank are outside, in front of what looks like an army of my loyal dogs.

“Bones! What did I say!?” I yell as I shoot off a bolt of electricity at the dramatic edge lord.

“We can’t just wait for you my lord! We had to help!” Bones cries. Sombra growls.

“Fools. I can’t be bothered with such vile mutts-“ I snap my attention to him and fire a stronger bolt of lightning at him. The bolt lands, and he screams in pain before falling to the floor, spazzing out a bit.

“Don’t you EVER call them mutts again!” I yell. “No one can call the, that but me!” Sombra picks himself up, shaking with rage.

“This ludicrous battle is getting out of hoof,” he mutters. He raises a crystal just in time to block a purple blast. “Try as you might, but your conventional weaponry won’t work!” He barks. Twilights glares.

“Alright girls, it’s time to end this!” Twilight yells. Her friends nod and form up. Sombra’s eyes widen. He’s never face their rainbow-themed Deus ex machina before, but he doesn’t plan to- suddenly his horn feels like pain and he falls back down on his side, clutching the horn.

“Stay down, final warning,” I say, lowering my gun. Twilight’s eyes glow, and she lifts into the air with her friends.

“No- wait!” Sombra tries to scramble up, but I strike him with lightning, causing my loyal soldiers to cheer in the background. He falls back down, trying in vain to make his horn work through the pain. Finally, the main six unleash God’s Bitch Slap of Friendship upon the dark lord in the form of a rainbow beam. He screams in both pain and rage as his body glows. Just like that, he vanishes. I blink in surprise.

“...Did you just kill him!?” I ask.

“He was evil!” Twilight yells. Her and her friends then turn their fighting gaze towards me. “And now, we’re going to-“

“Wait!” A new voice yells. Everyone pauses as a crystal pony scrambles in, before falling down. “Ow...” He picks himself up, brushing the dirt off of his suit.

“Oh what the fuck now?” I ask.

“My name is Page Flipper. Please, call me Flip,” he introduces himself modestly.

“Can it wait? We’re about to fight the second villain here,” Rainbow Dash says.

“Villain!?” The pony exclaims. “No no no! He just helped you guys save the Crystal Empire!”

“... Yeeeeaaaaaah,” I slowly say, seeing an opportunity.

“You can’t be serious,” Rarity says. “He’s a villain! He took over Equestria!”

“Then, why is he here?” The pony asks.

“Because we managed to banish him after Celestia came back into power!” Pinkie exclaims. “And it was super easy too, once he stepped down and let her go.”

“Willingly?” Flip asks. Silence reigned as everyone realizes where this is going. I give a wicked smile.

“But- no! No! I refuse!” Twilight says. “He is a villain! We all know he’s a villain!”

“It’s kinda hard to imagine him a villain,” Flip says.

“He destroyed orphanages!” Twilight argues. “Puppy orphanages!”

“They weren’t paying their taxes!” Wretch yells from outside.

“See, cause and effect,” I say. Flip nods.

“Yeah, that’s understandable!” He says. “If anything, he’s just misunderstood.”

“Misunderstood- he literally took over an entire country, burned down buildings, hurting millions of ponies, for six bits!” Twilight yells.

“John Wick killed a shit ton of people for one dog- but he’s an awesome hero!” I yell.

“He’s fictional!” Twilight argues.

“Fine. Your people fought over who should own land, despite the fact that pegasi can live on fucking clouds, and unicorns don’t really need it other than for novelty,” I say. “Literally only one faction could actually make good use of the land.” Flip nods.

“I mean, that is a pretty good point,” he says.

“It was much more complicated then that!” Twilight yells. She stops, takes a deep breath in, and sighs. “You know what? This isn’t worth it. Come on, we’re leaving girls.” No one argued. They all silently leave, knowing full well what I’m probably about to do.

“Finally,” I say, rubbing my hands together like a stereotypical evil person.

“Oh, great hero, what should we call you?” Flip asks as many crystal ponies come out of hiding. I chuckle.

“Call me, Anon...”

It’s been a week. My soldiers guard the Crystal Empire’s walls and entrances. I sit on a massager chair instead of a throne. A crystal pony stands before me, angry. “You can’t just tax us for front doors!” He yells. I sigh.

“The home’s front door, taxes won’t ignore,” I say.

“Why do you base taxes on what you can rhyme!?” He asks.

“Because you can’t rhyme orange,” I say.

“W-what!? What does that even mean!?” He asks incredulously.

“Easy. It means you go to the dungeons,” I say. I snap my fingers and a diamond dog takes him to said dungeons.

“N-no! Princess Cadance will get you for this!” He yells. I chuckle.

“No, she won’t,” I say menacingly, knowing that Cadance and Shining Armor are actually off on vacation I’ve... “paid” for. As I finish my chuckle, Bones walks in.

“Sir! Princess Celestia requests to be in your presence!” Bones says.

“Sure,” I say, leaning back and reclining. The alabaster alicorn walks in, giving me a stern glare. “Hello Princess Celestia,” I say, turning on the chair. It vibrates pleasantly, helping me relax even more.

“Where are they?” Celestia asks with a hint of anger.

“Ah ah, temper temper. I’m on a budget you know,” I say. “Your niece is on vacation.”

“In the dungeons?” Celestia asks.

“No, in Manehatten. I hear the musicals there are wonderful for children,” I say. I pull out a paper and hand it to her. “Proof.” Celestia takes it and reads it.

“... You have got to be kidding me,” Celestia says. “You’re in charge until she gets back?!” I give a smile and nod.

“Of course. A country can’t rule itself you know,” I say.

“But why you!?” Celestia asks.

“According to the crystal ponies, I just helped saved them from Sombra. They think I’m just misunderstood. Or rather, they thought I was,” I say, chuckling. “Don’t worry. Once Cadance gets back, contract’s up. I’m to leave the throne.” I give a sinister smile to my frenemy. “I’ll be out of their hair after this. Who knows what I’m going to do next?” I cross my legs, stretching. “In any case, what do you want?”

“... I want you to stop,” Celestia says.

“Hm, no. Not in the budget. Try again,” I say.

“You can’t run forever,” Celestia notes.

“Am I running?” I ask. I lean a bit to look at Bones. “Bones! Am I running!?”

“No my lord, you’re sitting in the lap of luxury!” He calls back. I nod and get back into a comfy position. Celestia glares at me, right at my eyes, before stopping. An uncomfortable silence fills the room, and I start to glare.

“I’m not in the mood for a staring contest you know,” I say. “Time is money, and you’re wasting mine.”

“... You are a sad little human,” Celestia says. With that, she turns and walks away. I blink in surprise.

“That’s the best you’ve got? That was sad within itself,” I say. As Celestia walks, the guards step in front of her. “Now pay up.”

“For what?” Celestia asks, not looking at me.

“Tell a bad joke, I’ll make you broke,” I say. Celestia turns to look at me incredulously.

“You really do tax anything that rhymes,” she says. “But I’m not a citizen.”

“If you’re in the country, you owe me money,” I say.

“I’m a ruler from a different country,” Celestia deadpans.

“Question the king, cash you must bring,” I reply.

“For the love of- fine!” Celestia’s horn glows and a large bag of bits fall onto me, making me groan in pain. “Goodbye Anon... I do hope we can come to a middle ground one day.” With that, she leaves. She briefly wonders how I’m going to actually keep any of the money I make, but she’s sure I’ve found a way by now. She looks back to see me struggling to get the bag off of me. I managed to glance at her, and for a split second, I felt extremely angry. However, anger clouds judgement. And the last thing I need to do is get in a pissy fit that will make me lose all my money. I’ve got more than enough, but I know the dogs will want to get some souvenirs. Frank especially. Speaking of which-

“Frank!” I call.

“Yes boss!” He yells next to me. I sigh, and turn to him.

“Tell Wretch to start the Gold-Born Protocol,” I say. He salutes with a tongue hanging out and zips off. I sigh and look at my massage chair. The Gold-Born Protocol is where we gather up the profits we’ve earned, and send them to a different account. Next, if we have any personal assets, we’d liquidate it and send all of it to a different account. There’s like, fifty other things going on that I can’t remember, but I’m sure Bones will take care of it. If I remember correctly, Cadance is coming back within the hour, so we need to skidaddle out. I sit up and look around. Everything here is as it was when I started. I turn off the chair and get up. I leave the massager behind and give a small smile. Now that I’ve had my fun poking at Celestia, I now need to gather up our resources and get the fuck out of dodge. Various laws I’ve put into motion should be halting now, as they are supposed to. Various taxes have been taken and accounted for, and divided unequally by giving the Empire about twenty percent and eighty percent to myself- which I will give back to the Empire to account for taxes of my own. If this sounds convoluted, just imagine a whole web around a strand of rope. It’s made for people to get stuck on as they climb up or down. I am simply not maintaining this web since it was temporary to begin with. No trouble, no one’s caught up anymore, and I pay for what little trouble comes out in the end. Business practices. I give a laugh as I walk out. Now, it’s just a matter of setting up shop at a new residence. Although I’ve accomplished my goal, it doesn’t really satisfy me like last time.

Last time, I had Equestria duct taped to a fan blade, laughing maniacally as they spun around without any ability to help themselves. This time, it was a fluke. I mean- More than anything else, I may be a business man doing business, but I want a little bit of fun from it. I had twenty different plans for the Empire and none of them were executed! It’s like planning to make your own cake but your dumbass friends buy one for you instead. Sure, it’s cake, and I’m not supposed to make it to begin with, but I wanted to do it my way! I slowly frown as I pass many ponies in the streets, who cower and shy away from me. What will I do next then? I can’t take over the Empire since I’ve technically already done so. I can’t go back to Equestria because they know my tricks... Wait. I stop as I think deeply. What about those griffons? Griffon Stone’s pretty big. They’re more aggressive too, more challenging. They might not be as smart as ponies, but I was able to win because of ponies’ instinctual patterns of prey. How would predators fare? I hum in thought.

“Sir!” Bones yells, grabbing my attention. I turn to him and he gives me a thumbs up. “We’re all ready to go sir. Just say the word and point out the train.” I nod.

“Good. Do we have a new base yet?” I ask. He shrugs.

“Kinda yes kinda no. We have a base, but it’s in Griffon Stone.” I tilt my head. Odd coincidence.

“What’s bad about Griffon a stone?” I ask. He sighs.

“You know how we’re dogs?” He asks. I frown.

“It’s not because they’re part lion is it? I could’ve sworn the cats and dogs thing wasn’t true,” I say.

“Oh, it’s not. It’s just... they’re part birds,” he says. I raise an eyebrow.

“And that’s a problem because...?”

“Because some of us are Hunter dogs. I don’t know if I’d be able to get some of them under control,” he says. I sigh.

“Just carry a water spray, that’ll teach them,” I say.

“... If you say so,” Bones says. With that, we head off towards the train station. I smile as I think of Griffon Stone. I wonder what kind of challenge it’ll bring?

Bad Business

The sun is high, above a cloudy sky. It casts a depressing tone upon a stone castle atop a mountain. On this mountain, is a wide road carved from the claws and talons of many griffon generations. Upon this road, is a large ironclad army of diamond dogs, marching with disciplined patience and unwavering intimidation.

As I watch my dog army march to the castle of Griffon Stone, I keep a frown on my face. This is... wrong. “My lord, are you alright?” Bones asks me. I give a deep sigh.

“No. I’m not alright,” I say. “This is... way too fucking easy.”

“I’m... sorry?” Bones asks, blinking

“Like- we are under budget. Way under budget,” I note.

“Isn’t that good?” Bones asks. I turn to him with a glare.

“No! It’s not!” I almost yell at him. “Their armies were piss poor, their air soldiers dropped like flies, and here we are, marching into what is practically a defenseless castle! What is missing here!?” I ask.

“E-Erm, the challenge?” Bones guesses. I throw my hands up and yell in mental agony, sending electricity throughout the air around me.

“NO!!!” I yell. The electricity around sparks more and more, conducting to anything and everything, even zapping Bones a bit. “THEY’RE MISSING EQUIPMENT!!! THEY’RE MISSING MODERN WEAPONS!!! THEY’RE MISSING THINGS THAT A RELATIVELY WEALTHY COUNTRY CONSIDERS STANDARD!!!” Bones tries to shrink back from me as much as possible, but the tent we pitched only has so much space. “WHICH MEANS THAT THEY ARE FUCKING BROKE, AND OUR RESOURCES ARE BEING WASTED!!!” I stop and pant, the electricity around me calming down before I sigh and sit down. “Bones, this country is practically broke, and we wasted our time. Nothing pisses me off as much as my time being wasted.” Bones stays on the other side of the tent for a bit before hesitantly walking over.

“Um, my lord, I uh, thought you knew,” he says. I feel my eye twitch.

“Knew... what?” I ask with gritted teeth. Bones gulps.

“That they’ve been... broke for...” He shudders as I give him a death glare, daring him to finish that sentence. “...Nevermind,” he says. I’m almost tempted to force him to say it, but I’m too tired from being pissed off already.

“Now, since we’ve established that they’re broke, we can now establish that we have wasted a lot of money, and a lot of time,” I say. I walk over to him, and loom over his trembling figure. “Now, if you can somehow magically pull a good thing from any of this out of your ass, I would love to hear it. Right. Now.” Bones gulps again and clears his throat.

“Um- we could- uh- recruit some griffons?” He guesses. My face slowly morphs into a calmer one.

“Hm. Interesting idea. Let’s see if your suggestion holds water,” I say. I turn around and walk out the tent. Bones sighs until I send him a glare. “Come along, I want you to see how close to the edge you are. Both literally, and metaphorically.”

After taking over the castle, we’ve rounded up the griffons and cornered them within the castle. We made sure they’re stuck in a main hall of sorts, surrounded by my guards. They all seem to be trembling in fear as I stand above them on a pedestal. “Griffons!” I yell. “Why the hell does no one here have armor!?” They all nervously glance around before an elder griffon steps up.

“W-well, none of us can afford it,” he says.

“What about the national treasury?” I ask.

“Pillaged, by the citizens no less,” he mutters.

“... So why don’t they have nicer things?” I ask.

“They were robbed,” he answers. “By neighboring countries.”

“... You guys are a bunch of fucking push-overs,” I say in slight astonishment. They only wince in response. “Like, seriously, what the fuck?!”

“Hey, don’t make fun of us for being poor!” A random griffon yells.

“I’ll damn well make fun of you for being poor, you did Jack shit to earn your wealth if this is how you treat being robbed!” I argue.

“Well, we can’t do anything about it since we’re in peaceful times,” the elder says.

“You fucking idiot- if you’re broke as fuck and the citizens were robbed into being broke as fuck, then it’s not peaceful!” I yell, throwing my hands up. “I mean, for fuck’s sake, did you guys even ask for help from anyone?”

“Yes, but every other country had problems of their own at the time. When we could ask, it was too late,” he says. I face palm.

“How the hell was it too late?” I ask.

“They fell down the Abyss,” the elder says.

“What Abyss?” I ask.

“The Abysmal Abyss.”

“Okay, doesn’t answer my question, what fucking abyss?” I ask.

“Did you really not see the giant chasm on the way here?”

“Oh, that? I just built a fuckin’ bridge over it,” I say. The griffons all go silent. “... Did none of you think to do that?!”

“Well- it crossed our mind,” the elder says. “We just thought that the bridge would be rickety and-“

“You’re all fucking stupid,” I cut in. “What’s next, you guys didn’t think to raise taxes or try some other way of gaining money?” When they remain silent, I face palm. “Okay, let me tell you a trick. Tax anything you can rhyme.”

“What?” The elder asks. “Why would- how would that help!?”

“It works for me, just don’t question it,” I say. “Since y’all are fuckin’ broke and I’m getting pissed off about wasting my God damn time and money on this shit, y’all owe me.”

“You invade our home, terrorize the citizens, and you expect payment!?” The elder yells.

“When the fuck did you grow a spine?” I ask. “And yes, I do. I’m evil. I’m like a bank, if the bank had a personal army. Speaking of which- who wants to join? If you don’t, you’ve earned impromptu shock therapy instead.” With that, I raise a hand and send out a couple sparks.

“We’ll never join you! You’re a monster!” A random griffon yells. Suddenly, the griffons start getting more and more confident, getting riled up along with their fellow comrades. However, my patience has run out. I shrug.

“Alright,” I say. I snap a finger, and a lightning bolt shoots from me into the crowd. The electricity loudly snaps and sparks as it connects to more and more of the griffons. After a moment, they’re all knocked out and on the ground, twitching from surplus energy still running through them. A dog walks over and pokes one with a stick, but the surplus energy within them conducts to the dog, making him spazz out before collapsing. “... Hey, Bones,” I say, slowly turning to face him. He gulps audibly.

“M-my lord?” He asks.

“What did I say about cliffs?” I ask. He clears his throat.

“That, I was uh, close to the edge,” he says. I nod.

“Mhmm. Guess how far off I’m going to push you.” To that, Bones rushes up and cries as he hugs my leg.

“P-please don’t be mad my lord! I- I’ll do better! I swear!” He pleads.

“... Fine,” I say. “I’m still pissed however. So guess how you’re going down the mountain.” He blinks a couple times before tilting his head in confusion.

After dragging him to the front of the castle, I sit him at the edge of the steep road. “Hold still for a moment,” I say.

“Erm, sure, my lord, but what are you-“ he’s interrupted as I kick his ass and watch him tumble and roll down the mountain’s path uncontrollably. Of course I’d never kill him, he’s like a best friend. However, he didn’t think to ask me why I would rob a broke country for riches they didn’t even have. It’s not like I don’t like criticism, it’s just that if it helps me not waste my time, then it’d be fine. However, his true saving grace is that I do still have a good amount of cash to plan a take over for somewhere else. But where? As I think upon these important matters, I hear a crack of thunder behind me. I glance back to see the Friendship Squad.

“Oh great, you fucks,” I mutter. “Look, I’m not in a good mood right now and-“

“Your tyranny is over Anon! Release the griffons!” Twilight yells.

“Sure,” I say simply, returning my gaze to the mountain side.

“Of course you’d- wait what?” Rainbow asks.

“Pardon, did you just say, ‘sure?’” Applejack asks. I hum in confirmation.

“... What’s your angle?” Twilight asks.

“No angle. They just have fuckin’ nothing of value,” I grumble irritably.

“Well, of course not, they’ve been economically weak since-“ I hold up a hand and stop Twilight.

“I learned this five minutes ago nerd, don’t remind me about it,” I say. “If they were this stupidly broke, I wouldn’t have spent so much on what is practically target practice.”

“Hey! Don’t make fun of griffons for being poor!” Pinkie yells.

“I’ll make fun of their broke-asses if I wanna, I’m a villain you idgits!” I yell.

“Well- still! There’s gotta be a point where you’re not so rude to them!” Rarity says.

“Do I care?” I ask. “Trick question, I never care.”

“Just- why are you doing this?! You got your six bits, no one owes you anything!” Twilight says. I sigh.

“Remember the whole ‘kicking me out of Equestria’ bit? I’m a bit homeless now,” I say. “And I’m pissed about that. So, to make up for the financial losses and regain some dignity, I came out of retirement to do so.”

“You act like you didn’t deserve it,” Applejack mutters.

“Of course I didn’t deserve it, I gave everything back, I had bought my own property, and didn’t blow shit up. I was content for once!” I exclaim. “So, if anything, it’s kinda your princess’ fault when she exiled me and tried to leave me in debt.”

“Anon, you were a villain that took over Equestria successfully, there’s no way we could just ignore you living with us!” Twilight yells.

“Yeah, you could. You could have just ignored me.” With that, I raise a hand and send lightning at them. However, Twilight’s ready and raises a shield in front of them.

“Nice try!” She says confidently.

“No, this is,” I say, before snapping my fingers. Suddenly, a bolt of lightning comes down from the cloudy sky, and strikes the group. Everyone falls over, unconscious. “Predictable as always,” I say. I give a smile and walk away. “Alright dogs! It’s time to move out! Take whatever’s valuable and let’s leave!” I hear many howling in response, making me smile. If nothing else, I’ve still got my loyal companions.

I sit next to a very bruised and battered Bones, licking my thumb to go to the next page in the local newspaper. We’re in a warehouse outfitted for a base. There are couches, like the one Bones and I are sitting on, there are barracks for the dog army, there’s a phone line just in case we need it, and enough supplies to feed and water us for weeks. The best part, couches were half off, and the phone is on this monthly plan that I scammed the phone company into giving us. Never before has Looney Tunes been so helpful. We’re still within Griffon borders, but we don’t really have much elsewhere to go. The Crystal Empire’s put out wanted posters, Equestria is thinking of shutting down their borders, and Griffon Stone is still a broke-ass shithole that can’t do shit while we’re here. “Sir, may I make a suggestion?” Bones asks.

“Sure,” I mutter.

“Could we try the Hippogriffian Kingdom?” He suggests.

“Depends. Is it broke too?” I ask. He sighs.

“No,” he says.

“Is it in the sky where we can’t reach it?”

“... I dunno,” Bones says. I put my paper down and pinch the bridge of my nose.

“Then why the hell suggest it!?” I ask angrily.

“Sorry...” Bones winces a bit.

“Just- why aren’t you healing up?” I ask. “Go to bed, rest or something. Just because I kicked you down a mountain doesn’t mean I want you to suffer,” I mutter.

“Erm, it kinda does, really,” Bones says.

“Do you want to go down the mountain again?” I ask out of annoyance. To that, Bones gets up quickly and starts wobbling off to his private quarters. I start to read the paper again, but a new annoyance pops up.

“Hey boss!” Frank yells, scaring the shit out of me.

“Why can’t you be like Bones, Frank!? He doesn’t scare me every five fuckin’ minutes!” I yell. “Hell, be more like Wretch! He doesn’t care enough to bother me with bad news or annoying shit!” I stop as I realize Frank’s up. I look at a nearby clock to see it’s almost midnight. “Frank, why’re you up?” I ask. “It’s past your bedtime! There is bedtime for a reason numbskull.” To answer this, Frank pulls out a book. I take it and look at it. “... It’s a kid’s book Frank,” I deadpan. He frowns and gives me a pleading look. “Oh God- that’s almost the most horrifying thing I’ve ever seen. Fine, fine, just- just please promise you’ll go the fuck to sleep.” Frank gasps excitedly.

“Yes boss!” He replies before scampering off. I follow him to the barracks, and find his bed is on the other side of the room from everyone else. Like- they took the time to push some of the beds away from his. I don’t blame them, but that’s still a bit much. I look at the book he gave me and realize it’s a book full of childish nursery rhymes. Kinda like back home... home... nursery rhymes... Something clicks as I gasp in realization.

“THAT’S IT!!!” I cry out in joy, scaring Frank a bit. I throw the book at him and run out. “READ IT YOURSELF- I HAVE A COUNTRY TO EXPLOIT!!!”

Wretch, wearing a visor, types up a couple more things in a calculator before messing with his abacus. I tap my foot, impatiently waiting for him to do the math. Finally, I groan in frustration as he adjusts it a couple more times. “Do you really know how to use that?” I ask.

“No, of course not. It’s just fun to play with while I use the calculator,” he says. I face palm.

“Could you stop having fun for enough time to decide whether or not this plan of mine is worth it!?” I ask.

“My lord, why’re you shouting?” Bones asks, wobbling in on a crutch.

“Ah, Bones. I’m just double checking whether or not this next plan will be worth what we’re thinking of doing,” I say, not turning away from Wretch.

“Which is...?”

“Invading Zebrica of course,” I say, smiling.

“Um, sir, don’t be mad, but-“

“They’re not entirely wealthy, I know. But the resources they’re sitting on are,” I say, crossing my arms. “Plus, they’re disbanded and disorganized. It’ll be relatively cheap.”

“Sir, we’d need to sell those resources to profit. Who in their right mind would buy from us?” Bones asks.

“While we ruled Equestria, I got a good bit of dirt on a good number of companies,” I say, chuckling. “And no one wants anyone to know about the pudding incident.”

“... The what?” Bones asks, slightly off put.

“Not important, just know that it’s leverage,” I wave off. “And better yet, those pesky plonky ponies aren’t going to be able to get involved. Zebrica as a continent has been given a sort of immunity from outside politics of countries like Equestria or the Hippogriffian Republic.”

“But sir, you’re not a citizen of Zebrica. If you invade-“ I turn to Bones and show a card. He takes and squints at it. “... My lord, forgive my ignorance, but how in Tartarus did you get full citizenship to Zebrica?” He asks.

“They’re cut off from outside forces, which includes news. Like, for instance, let’s say some army of diamond dogs lead by a devilishly handsome and smart guy were to invade the world,” I say. Bones looks at me with a bit of shock.

“They don’t know?” He asks. I chuckle.

“We’re gonna play them like damn fiddles,” I say, laughing a little. Hopefully this will end better than the griffon invasion...

Two Weeks Later...

Celestia sips on some tea as she looks over various reports. Anon’s movement has gone mysteriously silent, and she prays to herself that it means he’s finally stopped being a villain. The whole Griffon Stone debacle has upset many national governments, concerned about how easily Anon has practically taken over three countries in less than half a year. Granted, he hasn’t kept any of them for long, but only because he lets them go. Not to mention the utter failure the Mane Six had in capturing Anon, she had to cover up the scandal just to make sure Equestria wasn’t a laughing stock.

She sighs, rubbing her head with a hoof. Yep, a vacation sure sounds nice. But even then, there’s no guarantee that Anon can’t ruin it unintentionally. “Princess!” A guard yells from down the Royal hall. Great. Celestia puts on the best fake smile she can muster.

“Yes? What is it?” She asks politely. The guard finally stumbles into the room, panting as he hands her a scroll.

“I-it’s Zebrica!” He exclaims. “T-They want to trade!”

“Oh, lovely!” Celestia says, genuinely happy. She just knew at least someone would start a trade!

“No! It isn’t your highness!” The guard says, genuinely terrified. Celestia quirks an eyebrow and takes the scroll. She unrolls it and starts reading as the guard shakes in place.

“...” After a moment, Celestia puts down the scroll. She puts her front hooves together, taking a deep breath in. “... I’ll be... right... back,” she says, trying her best to control herself. With a flash, she disappears...

The new-new-NEW throne room I sit in is big, with a staircase leading to my throne, covered in a velvet carpet. To my right, sits Bones. To my left, sits a zebra wearing glasses, typing on a calculator. The zebra wearing glasses sighs and frowns as he looks at me. I give him a brief smile as I turn my throne on to maximum massaging. “Yes?” I ask, knowing very well what’s wrong.

“... Sir, you told us we aren’t allowed to eat half of our food because we are on strict budget,” he deadpans. I nod.

“And?”

“And, yet, you just bought an expensive massage chair,” he says. “Since it’s an export, it’s much more expensive than a throne we could make.”

“Not when I put my gun to the dude’s face!” I say cheerfully.

“Although that certainly lowered the price, I still think that’s a bit insulting to the zebras who are working much harder than you seem to be.”

“There is a price tag for those who nag,” I say. The zebra groans in frustration.

“And could you please stop taxing anything that rhymes!?” He yells.

“I could, but then I wouldn’t know what to tax,” I say. “Besides, it’s not like I’m going to stay here for long. I’ll be leaving pretty soon for a bigger goal.”

“And what, leave us to our own devices?” The zebra asks.

“Yes,” I simply say.

“My lord is very understanding,” Bones says.

“Your boss is an ass!” The zebra says.

“Yes, but I’m a smartass,” I reply. “By the way, what’s your name again?”

“I’ve told you, it’s Zeal,” he says.

“You say that, but I feel like your name is Zeb,” I say.

“... I hate tourists,” he mutters. Suddenly, a flash of light blinds us as Celestia teleports in.

“Hey Sunbutt, how’d you find me?” I ask absentmindedly as I melt into the comfort of my massage chair.

“The big sign that says ‘Celly is a big ass bitch’ kind of gave it away,” Celestia says sternly.

“Hm,” I acknowledge. “So, what’s up?”

“Anon, this is the fourth time you’ve taken down a nation,” Celestia says.

“Correction, this is the first time I’ve taken a continent!” I say proudly. “Besides, I don’t hear any complaints.”

“That’s because you threw away the complaint box once it was full,” Zeal says.

“Hey, that just means there are no complaints anymore. It’s not my fault you guys decided to join me,” I say.

“You threatened us with your armies and your powers!” Zeal exclaims.

“I didn’t hear any complaints,” I note.

“You made us write our complaints and put them in a stupid box!” Zeal yells. “The same one you threw away!”

“Yeah, and I haven’t heard any complaints,” I say. Zeal plants his face on his desk and muffles a scream of mental agony.

“Anon, focus,” Celestia says. “I plan to stop you from illegally invading Zebrica.”

“I’m not invading,” I say. I pull out my ID card. She takes and looks at it.

“... You have got to be bucking kidding me,” she says incredulously.

“I am a legal citizen, so thus, what I did is a civil war,” I note. “Thus, outside countries can’t interfere. Not that they could anyway, since Zebrica is classified as immune from the outside world. Although they could certainly ask for help, they would all need something to give in return. Long story short, they were too divided and too secluded.”

“... Anon, why are you doing any of this? Please, just for once, be straight with me,” Celestia says. “Because I cannot fathom a single reason why you would take over any country to begin with when you already have the funds to live peacefully, since that was your original goal.”

“Because when I take over Equestria again,” I drop my smile and my cheery attitude, glaring daggers into Celestia. “I’m not going to let go. Since you could not stand living with me, I’m going to force you to.” Celestia and Bones blanch from my sudden change in demeanor. “I had said I was done, and that I’d follow the rules. But no, you had to take it all, despite the fact that I gave back what I stole.” Electricity starts sparking around me, making everyone scoot away a bit. “They say Harmony is like a tree. This time, I won’t stop at taking over Equestria, I will tear it apart, branch by branch, and if you keep resisting, I will tear out the fucking roots.” Celestia steels herself, and fixes her composure.

“I won’t let you,” she says, glaring right back at me, undisturbed by the wild energy around us. I feel an eye Twitch, and bark a laugh.

“Sun Tzu once said, if you know your enemy as well as yourself, you need not worry about a hundred battles,” I remark. “I’ve seen the insides of your system Celestia. This went from a game of checkers to a game of chess. I know exactly what your pieces do. Can you say the same?” Celestia keeps her glare, unfazed by my threats.

“We will be prepared,” she says simply. Slowly, the electricity around me dies down, and I smirk.

“No, you won’t,” I say. Just then, a diamond dog runs into the room.

“My lord! The Beeg Fuck is ready!” He reports. Celestia does a double take and looks at the guard.

“The what?” She asks.

“Splendid. We’re moving out,” I say, clapping my hands together. Zeal blinks and suddenly realizes I’m picking him up. I place him on my throne, and give a small smile. “Enjoy your new position.” With that, Zeal looks on with confusion as Bones gets up from his chair and follows me out of the room with my other guard.

“W-wait- Anon- what are you planning!?” Celestia yells. I stop.

“It’s none of y’all’s damn business.” I turn to look at her with a smirk. “However, this is a game of chess now, so I believe you should know that you have the first move.” With that, we walk out, leaving Celestia and Zeal in the throne room.

Celestia stares after me before growling to herself. “He certainly has some nerve,” she says.

“Wait- did he just give the country to me!?” Zeal yells. Celestia turns to him.

“I think so,” she says. Zeal looks at her in shock before looking around.

“... We’re free...” he mutters. He suddenly leans back in the chair, sagging his entire body. “He actually let us go...”

“Since you are the new ruler, I have a request,” Celestia says. “Anon has taken over your country, your villages, and I don’t doubt that he has done horrible things to your subjects. So, would you consider joining forces to stop him from taking over my own country?” Zeal immediately tensed up.

“Buck no,” he says without hesitation. Celestia blinks.

“... No?” She repeats.

“N, O, no. Nope. Nuh-uh. Buck that. We didn’t want to be a part of this to begin with,” Zeal says. “And if that sociopathic mess of a creature has taught me anything, it’s that he always gets what he wants. So, no. We’re staying as far away from your mess as possible,” Zeal says. Celestia grimaces.

“And what if he takes over your country again if he fails against me?” She asks.

“He won’t,” Zeal says. “He’d try to take on the Minotaurs or the hippogriffs.”

“And why are you so certain of that?” Celestia asks.

“He told us exactly what he’d do, no matter how moral or awful it was. He always keeps his word,” Zeal says. “The first thing I’m going to do, is try to limit interactions with anyone outside as much as bucking possible. I’m sorry, but buck this, he’s your problem now.” Celestia sighs.

“Is there nothing I could do to convince you?” She asks.

“Buck no. Get out,” Zeal says. Celestia sighs, nodding. With that, she teleports out. Now, to prepare for the invasion...

Author's Note

Y’all- this shit’s about to go down.

Checkmate

The skies are dark from thunder clouds being shoved together into the sky. They were supposed to be for an ambush against my forces, but I easily outsmarted them by simply thinking ‘why the fuck are there thunderclouds over a city that loves sunshine?’ I sent lightning to course through the clouds, which managed to knock out at least the majority of the pegasi guards. Ingenious, I know. Anyway, the roads are covered in unconscious royal guards, and marching dogs. I stand at the main doors of Canterlot’s castle. Nothing will stop me as I throw up the doors. “Knock knock! Your rent’s due bitch!” I yell. Suddenly, a blast impacts my chest, but I’m already ten steps ahead. My coat deflects the force, sending it to either side of me, hitting some of my guards. “Well that just added to your debt,” I say. In front of me, is Princess Luna, glaring at me as her horn smokes. She’s fully clad in iron armor.

“You will not get past-“ She’s interrupted by me shooting lightning at her. However, the lightning bounces off as she chuckles. “Anon, I’ve seen your handiwork. You won’t-“ I hit her with lightning again. “Like I was-“ I hit her with lightning. “WILL YOU STOP INTERRUPTING-“ I pull out my gun and shoot her horn with a rubber bullet, which sends her sprawling to the floor in agonizing pain. According to Twilight, the horn has a sensitivity equivalent to my toes. Her horn’s fine, but it sure as hell hurts like a bitch.

“Detain her,” I say. Dogs rush over to her, clamping anti-magic rings and cuffs to her horn, wings and hooves.

“T-this is humiliating!” She says in between grunts of pain.

“No, this is,” I say, before taking out a marker. I walk over, kneel down and smile. “I hear you like nightclubs, so I’ll ruin it for you.” I start scribbling on her, as she’s still processing the pain. After a minute or two, I’m done and she’s panting.

“What did you do?!” She yells.

“Nothing too bad,” I say. I pull out a mirror. She squints and looks confused. “Glow in the dark marker. Permanent, glow in the dark marker.” Her eyes widen.

“No! NO!!!” She yells. “Why would you curse me like this you vile creature!?” I chuckle sadistically and lean into her ear.

“They were fifty percent off.” With that, I give her an evil grin and start walking past her.

“You’ll pay Anon! YOU’LL PAY!!!” She cries as I walk away.

I kick open another pair of doors, getting closer to the throne room. My group of Diamond dogs follows closely behind me. Bones comes up, looking worried. “Erm, sir? I uh, I’m just wondering, are you okay?” He asks. “You haven’t been yourself lately.” I glance at him and stop.

“Of course I’m okay. Don’t ask such bitch ass questions,” I comment before moving on. Once I get to another door, I kick it open to find the Princess of Friendship and her posse glaring me down. “I’d surrender if I were you,” I say. Twilight doesn’t respond, instead, she immediately shoots at me with magic, but I block it with a magic shield. In turn, I shoot off some lightning. However, Twilight easily blocks it and charges at me. I frown and pull out my gun. However, a lasso wraps around my hand and yanks my arm away, making me miss my shot. Surprised, I couldn’t stop Twilight in time, thus another magic blast hits my gut. I keel over, and a blast hits my face. I stumble, and a pair of blue hooves rush up and slam into my chest. I fly into the air, but the lasso jerks me back onto the ground. I let out a grunt and look up to glare at Applejack. She’s glaring right back. “No talk? That’s new,” I say. I start to get up, but a cannon suddenly appears to my right and blasts me. Applejack keeps a tight grip on the rope, and uses the blasts’ force to swing me out a nearby window. Letting go of the lasso, Applejack and the ponies watch as I fly down the mountain side. The wind rushes past me as I fly down. I look back to see that there’s some ground coming up to greet me...

Twilight and the gang look out the window with shock. “... Did... did we win?” She asks.

“I mean... he can’t fly, right?” Applejack asks.

“Oh no- we didn’t kill him did we?!” Fluttershy suddenly asks in terror.

“Who cares? We won!” Rainbow yells.

“like a soMEBODY FUCK YO BI-“ I yell, flying back in through the window and latching onto Rainbow. “THE FUCK YOU SAY TO ME YOU LITTLE SHIT-“ I release an intense electric shock, and Rainbow yells as she flies into a wall and knocks herself out. I land on my feet and glare up at the other five ponies as I start twitching. Bones, who’s off to the side, whimpers as he sees me.

“Wha- How!? HOW!?!?” Applejack asks.

“Let’s just say I got creative with a force push spell,” I comment, twitching a bit more.

“U-um, girls, something’s really off about him,” Fluttershy says.

“Darling, do you ever give up!?” Rarity asks. Applejack throws a lasso towards me, but I grab it. I yank it towards me, forcing her to fly over to me. I grab her, and send intense electricity before quickly throwing her at Rarity. The electricity, still coursing throw Applejack, arcs and connects with Rarity and Fluttershy. All three yell before going unconscious. Twilight and Pinkie look at me as I huff.

“Now, I’m mad,” I say. Twilight glares as Pinkie clears her throat.

“I uh, I think I’mma sit this one out,” she squeaks before jetting out. Twilight’s horn glows before several energy shots fly towards me. I simply sidestep them and raise a hand towards her. I starting shooting electricity constantly, and Twilight brings up a shield. However, she flinches and starts drifting back.

“W-what!? What are you doing!?” She yells.

“Do you think I’ve been buying generators for the fun of it?” I ask. I increase my power output, and her shield breaks like a China plate. She goes rigid as electricity courses through her. After a moment, I stop, and she falls. “Remember when Rarity said to never give me a real reason to fight? Celestia should’ve fucking listened.” With that, I continue. My soldiers, however, were a bit hesitant. They slowly start following me, unsure of something...

Finally, I throw open the doors to Celestia’s throne room. She sits on her pedestal of a throne, sipping tea. She looks down and sighs. “I saw you fly out the window. Thought I could relax,” she says.

“In this business, I’m the Amazon on villains. There aren’t any fucking breaks,” I say. Energy around me crackles and sparks as I walk forward. Celestia stands up, and sighs again.

“I surrender,” she says. Everything stops as I hear those words.

“... What?” I ask.

“You got this far. I don’t know what you could do, so I surrender,” she says. I look at her for a moment before chuckling. Then, I start laughing. Slowly, it becomes maniacal. Celestia looks at me with confusion.

“W-well?! What do you want?! We surrender!” She yells.

“No you fucking don’t!” I yell, suddenly angry and twitching. “I can tell you’re lying!” Celestia grimaces.

“Well, I never was good at that,” she mutters. Suddenly, her wings flair up and she shines brightly. I cover my eyes and curse.

“God dammit! Why the fuck do y’all-“ I’m interrupted by a massive hammer slamming into my stomach. I fly for a bit before slamming into a wall and falling to the ground. “Ow,” I mutter weakly.

“Anonymous the Human, I am no longer willing to put up with your games or your tricks,” Celestia says. “You are hereby-“ I slowly take out a walkie talkie and press a button.

“Plan BFB! LAUNCH THE BIG FUCK!!!” I yell into the device. The Diamond dogs all go stiff and wide eyed. They look at me with fear. Celestia looks between them and me.

“Wha- what’s plan BFB?” She asks. I start laughing and roll onto my back, maniacal laughter ringing through the halls. Bones falls to his knees.

“S-sir... why... why would you do this to us?” He asks in genuine shock. Celestia’s eyes widen as she sees that even my loyal dogs are terrified.

“What’s BFB!?” She yells as I hold up my radio.

“Sir, it’s launched, BFB will arrive in ten minutes,” it says.

“Anon- WHAT DID YOU DO!?!?” Celestia yells, stomping up to me as I continue my maniacal laughter. I calm down a bit, still chuckling as I looked up at her.

“The worst thing I can ever do,” I say. Celestia growls and lifts a dog up with her magic.

“What does BFB stand for!?” She yells.

“I-It’s stands for-“ The dog gulps. “B-big fucking b-bomb.” Celestia’s eyes widened before she rushes over to me, picking me up with her magic.

“DID YOU JUST SEND A NUKE TOWARDS US!?!?” She yells in fury.

“Weeeeell, let’s just say it’s going to get messy,” I say with an evil smile. Bones falls down, breathing heavily.

“S-sir, I-I thought-“

“Where did you send it!?” Celestia asks. I shrug.

“I threw a dart on a map and said ‘launch there’. No clue where it is,” I say, shrugging.

“Do you understand how many deaths this will cause!?” She says.

“Yes. It’s gonna be funny as fuck,” I say, grinning.

“THIS ISN’T FUNNY!!!” She yells. I merely chuckle.

“Look, even if you did try to to catch it, it’s got an anti-magic spell on it. So no matter what, it’s gonna go off,” I say.

“Is there any way to stop it!?” She asks. I shrug.

“You’re gonna have to surrender before we can even begin to start trying to fix this,” I say. She looks at me incredulously. She looks down, conflicted for a moment before growling and throwing her helmet off.

“Fine! You win!” She yells.

“Nah ah ah, we gotta put it in writing,” I say, grinning. She glares at me and teleports in a paper sheet. “And, since it’s your surrender, I’ll give you the pleasure of me telling you how you’re surrendering.”

After a few moments, and a cold atmosphere, Celestia hands me a signed surrender form. It basically says that every punishment suitable towards me are to be negated, and that I am exempted from any and all property and financial laws regarding taxes. I am also un-exiled and allowed to rebuild my castle. Any and all attempts to persecute or accuse me of any crime are to be scrutinized by yours truly. And just to add insult to injury, I forced her to allow me access to Canterlot castle any time to come and throw anything at her. With that done and signed, she glares up at me. “Welp, now that that’s settled, allow me to share a secret,” I say. “I lied.”

“What?” Celestia asks, getting angry. “You lied about the nuke?!”

“No, there’s a nuke, and it’s coming,” I say. I give a smile. “I just lied about not knowing where it’s heading.” Almost perfectly timed, a thunder sounds off in the distance. Celestia panics and looks outside to see a mushroom cloud nearby, and a wave of something enveloping the city. She looks at me, and sees me give a quick middle finger in her direction before everything goes white...

After a moment, everything goes quiet. Celestia keeps her eyes closed for a moment, expecting pain and agony, but it doesn’t come. Was it that swift? Was it that fast? She slowly opens her eyes, and widens them as what she sees shocks her.

Glitter. Nothing but glitter. Instead of a destroyed castle, it is both covered in and full of glitter. “... What?” She asks herself.

“Boom! Bitch! I win!” I yell, within a barrier. The Diamond dogs around me, who are also untouched by the cursed glitter, sigh in relief.

“W-what happened!?” Celestia asks. I snicker and hold up our impromptu contract.

“I just got revenge bitch!” I yell. She looks over at me and back to the glitter. It’s everywhere.

“... Was that nuke full of glitter!?” She yells in disbelief.

“Well, of course it was. What, did you think I was going to use an actual nuke?” I ask. “Do I look like I would put the money in for a working, radioactive, nuclear weapon?”

“It’s just... Oh goodness,” Celestia says as she tries to calm down from the rush of emotions just moments before. “I-I thought we were going to die.”

“Fuck no, if there aren’t any ponies, then who the fuck is gonna serve me some McDon’s? Also, why would I nuke myself?!” I ask. Celestia sighs and looks at me with a frown.

“You are the truest form of an asshole, you know that?” She asks. I laugh and smile.

“You haven’t looked outside yet,” I say. Celestia looks out and her eyes widen. Nothing but glitter covers the city, and the mountain. In fact, glitter is still rolling down the mountain.

“Where did you even find this much bucking glitter?!” Celestia asks.

“eNeigh, on a discount,” I say. She sighs.

“Just- just leave. Please,” she says.

“Hold up, I have one more demand that only needs to be enforced for one year,” I say. Celestia huffs. “And before you say you already surrendered, I actually did get a nuke a couple weeks ago.” I drop my smile and look at her seriously. “So you really don’t have a choice this time.” Celestia shudders and sighs.

“Fine. What is it?” She asks.

It’s been about a month, and Ponyville is as quiet as ever. The castle I had first made stands tall on the opposite side of town from Twilight’s castle. It’s an exact replica, all the way down to the sweet throne table. I almost cried in joy when I saw it. However, I have a new purpose in town...

“WHY DO YOU TAX ANYTHING THAT RHYMES!?!?” A disgruntled citizen yells.

“If you don’t make sense, you’re paying in cents,” I say, holding out a hand.

“No- this is a valid question! Buck you!” He retaliates. I turn on my massage chair and lean back.

“If you dare curse, you give me your purse,” I say.

“Celestia dammit!” He yells in frustration.

“Hee ho hey, your taxes, you gotta pay,” I say as the guy depressingly walks out. My throne room’s doors burst open as Twilight storms in, shoving past the stallion.

“Anon, can you explain why you’re taxing my castle!?” She asks.

“Magic, Diamond or tree, that shit still ain’t free,” I explain.

“Why did Celestia allow you this?” Twilight mutters, knowing she won’t get a better answer. “Also, can you actually help pay for the cleaning costs? We’re still finding glitter everywhere.” I laugh.

“Nope!” I say. “It was either the glitter, or my iron fist. I chose for you,” I say, patting her head. “Be thankful.” Twilight rolls her eyes.

“Fine. Also, Celestia wanted me to tell you to stop sending letters to her,” she says. I click my tongue.

“No, I don’t think I will,” I say. She shrugs.

“That’s between you and her. Personally, I don’t want anything to do with you. Now, if you’ll excuse me,” Twilight teleports out as I chuckle.

“Life is so good,” I say as I lean back even more. Bones walks in, sighing.

“Sir, might I ask why we’re getting a cake?” He starts.

“A little gift for Celestia,” I answer.

“Sir, it’s a cake that says ‘Fat Ass’,” Bones deadpans.

“I didn’t say it was a good gift,” I reply. Bones laughs and sits at the table.

“You know my lord, for someone who was an evil villain, you sure are laid back nowadays,” he says.

“Bruh, I nuked Equestria with a glitter bomb and forced them to clean it up without any repercussions on my part. If that’s not perfect revenge, I don’t know what is,” I say.

“Hey boss!” Frank yells, scaring me.

“What!?” I yell. Frank holds out a letter. I take it and look at it.

“Erm, sir? Who is it from?” Bones asks. I snicker and put it in my coat.

“Just the pony I’ve been talking to,” I say. Bones furrows his brow. After a moment, I sigh. “It’s Celestia.” Bones coughs for a bit.

“What!?” He yells.

“Yeah, my way of doing things has been actually effective for recovering the national treasury. Celestia doesn’t want anyone to know that we’re actually going to work together more.” I snicker. “Also, quite frankly, it gives me more opportunities to fuck with her. So, why not?” Bones sighs.

“Well, whatever you wish for sir,” he says. Frank salutes me before rushing off. I stretch and lean back.

“Right now though, I think I’ll just relax for a bit,” I say. Bones nods. I turn off the massager and close my eyes. I do believe I deserve a nice, long, nap. I’ll be living the life of luxury after all. Me, and all my loyal dogs. I hum in thought as I think of how much I should give them as a raise.

Author's Note

Well. Here we are, at the end. Unless it gets to 500 likes, then I’ll make another sequel. But what the hell would he do at that point? Well, let’s look at the epilogue when it comes out...

Epilogue: I dunno

Celestia sighs as she looks at the new taxation laws. “Anon, I know you said that these work, and there is plentiful evidence that it does.” Celestia stops to slam her hooves on her desk. “But why does rhyming taxes work?! How have you figured this out?!” Celestia sits back as I stand before her.

“Well, to answer that question, we’d have to talk about parallel universes,” I say simply. However, before I could incite my big brain wisdom, the door to our office slams open as Bones rushes in.

“Sir! We have a problem!” He yells. I sigh.

“And?” I ask.

“It’s someone who looks like you sir!” He says. I pause and slowly turn to him.

“Where?” I ask seriously.

Bones, Celestia, and I run out of my castle, and gawk as we see a strange sight. A lone man, hunched over, twitches as a crowd is around him. Various ponies murmur amongst themselves as they watch him. He doesn’t look like me, at least, not specifically. For starters, he’s taller, and a bit bulkier. He’s wearing a red jacket, and his pants are black and baggy. He looks up at me, and I shuddered from his icey glare. “Hello-o-o,” he stops, closes his eyes, and growls, before slowly standing up straight. He clears his throat, and opens his eyes again. I hardened my gaze. “Hello,” he says, much more calmly than last time. “I am going to conquer this dimension.” A silence reigns as I stare down this new threat. “... Silent, smart like the others. Tell me-“ He stops, and his arms start stretching. His fingers extend, thinning out and morphing into metallic claws. His eyes glow red as he stares back, emotionless. “How long will you last?” He asks. Suddenly, his arms surge toward me. However, an electric field sparks around me immediately, and the arms come in contact. Just as suddenly, the electricity races through the appendages, and the man tenses up before yelling out. His arms spazz out, with no rhyme or reason as he flails about.

“Probably should’ve thought about getting rubber,” I comment. After a moment, the man retracts his arms and crouches, shaking. Celestia, still behind me, nervously keeps her eyes on him. “I’d leave. Because if you don’t, ya boi’s boutta fry a freak like chicken.” The man growls and looks up at me. He looks annoyed, rather than angry.

“Very well. But be aware, when I come back, you won’t-“ He is interrupted by me pulling out my gun and shooting him. “... Really? A gun? Do you really-“ I interrupt him again by electrocuting him. He sprawls back, shaking. No fucking clue why electricity works, but damn is it funny.

“I’d leave before I try making you do the stanky leg,” I say, holding up a hand to show electricity running between my fingers. After a moment, the man gets up, still twitching.

“Damn you, you’ll regret this,” he says.

“Oh, sure I will,” I say. He mutters something, which sounds familiar, before a portal opens up. Stepping back through it, he flips me off as it closes. Everyone around us stands in silence as I walk over to where the portal was. I take out a notebook as numbers and names fill my mind. After writing it down, I mutter an incantation I learned a short while back. After a moment, I put the notebook back in an inner pocket in my coat before Celestia walks up.

“What was that!?” She yells. I shrug.

“I dunno,” I say.

“Why aren’t you panicking?! He’s somewhere in Equestria-“

“No he isn’t,” I say. “I can guarantee that for fact.” I look around at the crowd that’s still frozen in fear and give a thumbs up. “Alright! He’s gone! Go back to your daily routine!” Everyone glances around before uneasily going back to what they were doing. Celestia spins me back to facing her, glaring.

“You, me, talk, now,” she says. I sigh.

“Come on then, let’s head back inside. I’d rather-“

“What the hay was that!?” Twilight yells, running up to us. “I just- What-“

“Shut up and come with me, I have something to tell y’all.” With that, I walk back towards the castle as the two princesses look between each other.

I yawn as Celestia and Twilight impatiently wait for me to start the conversation in my throne room. “Well?” Twilight asks. I hold up a finger.

“Not yet,” I say. The silence reigns for another minute before Celestia sighs.

“Anon, what are we waiting for?” She asks. As soon as she says that, Frank’s bursts through the door, and runs over to me as I lean back and turn on the massage chair. He offers me a single mini soda can. You know, the soda cans that are thinner and shorter? Yeah. Those. I pop it open and take a sip.

“Alright, so, about a year or two ago, before I had conquered Equestria the first time, I found a book,” I say.

“Book? What-“ Celestia starts, but Twilight face hooves.

“The voodoo book,” she mutters.

“Yep. I found that voodoo book. It’s how I got electric powers. However, I also got another power I never told you guys,” I say. “Well, power is a bit of a strong word, it’s more like a neat trick.” The ponies’ eyes widen.

“You had another power!? What!? When!?” Twilight yells. I snicker.

“I’ve used it about three times before someone told me to stop. However, it was fun while it lasted,” I say.

“Anon, what did you do?” Celestia asks with a bit of fear.

“I hopped dimensions,” I reply. Silence reigns for a moment as my words sink in.

“You... hopped... dimensions...” Twilight says slowly. I nod. “...” She starts laughing, before laughing louder. “he-heheh-hahahaHAHAHAHA!! Oh Anon, you had me going there!” She says. “I mean, come on, travelling dimensions? That’s a highly advanced spell unicorns haven’t even began to perfect yet!” She chuckles and looks up to see I’m frowning.

“I’m not joking. By the way, it’s ‘hopping’, not ‘travelling’. Big difference,” I say, taking a sip. Both princesses gawk at me.

“No- I refuse!” Twilight yells. “I refuse to accept, that in the hundreds of years of research and United effort, is completely wasted, because you of all ponies figured it out first from some random book about curses and voodoo!” I simply grin widely.

“Anon,” Celestia says. “Can we see this book?” I hum.

“... Sure. I have a fail safe if you try anything funny,” I say.

“Oh? What is it?” Celestia asks.

“Not telling you,” I say. Twilight scoffs.

“I almost want to say there probably isn’t one, but knowing you, there probably is,” she says.

“Uhuh,” I say, reaching into my coat and pulling out a hefty book. It’s cover has scribbles and marks all over it, with a lone name on the bottom right of the front cover. ‘Leroy’. “I found this at a store. After I paid someone to steal it, I-“

“Wait wait wait, hold on,” Twilight interrupts. “You paid someone... to steal something.”

“Yes,” I say.

“How much did the book cost?” She asks.

“More than what the thief asked for,” I say, squinting. “I’m not stupid Twilight.”

“You said a store had it? Which one?” Celestia asks.

“Walcart,” I answer as Celestia opens it and looks at a page.

“... Anon, these are... highly advanced spells, some of these are illegal due to the dangers they present to the caster. And you’re telling me that you found this at the local Walcart?” Celestia asks as she hands Twilight the book.

“After I conquered Equestria, I went back to the store to see if they had any other books like it. However, they said they never saw it before. They put a price tag on it anyway because they thought the cover was neat,” I explain. “They never even actually opened the-“

“Holy a Celestia!” Twilight exclaims. “Long range teleportation, soul infusion, Mana-using-Alchemy!? Anon! This is- this is-“ Twilight puts down the book to look at me in awe. “This is beyond advanced! This should be chicken scratch!” She yells.

“What?”

“These- Anon, some of these spells sound like insane ideas,” she says. “They imply they don’t require a unicorn!” I shrug.

“Yeah. Go to page forty nine, that’s where I acquired my electric powers,” I say. Twilight flips to the page and reads for a bit.

“Wha- What is this? Is this a circle? What’s with these lines?” She asks. “And, the words don’t even make sense. The spell’s incantation looks like gibberish. Is this what you called Latin?”

“Fuck no. I have no clue what language it is either. However, it can be pronounced in English, so that’s a plus,” I say.

“And- and- I just- Hold on,” Twilight says before flipping to a random page. “... Skii-da-do-lo-da-ska...” She deadpans and looks at me. “Just as I thought, chicken scratch.” She sighs, rubbing a hoof against her temple as she slides the book to me. “I can’t believe I got worked up over-“ I take the book, look at what she was trying to do, and repeat the words. Suddenly, the throne table shakes, and a voice comes from it.

“Eh? The fuck do you want?” It asks. Twilight’s jaw hits the floor as Celestia just looks confused.

“Should Fallout 76 burn in hell?” I ask. It grunts.

“... No, it should be shredded up before burning. Anything else?” It asks.

“Is there a way I can dimension hop again? That was fun,” I say. It sighs.

“Uh, yeah, just gotta wait a while before going to a different universe. However, if you go to previously visited universes, you won’t be noticed.” Twilight looks at me, wide eyed as I grin.

“Cool! That’s all!” I say.

“Good,” the table says before going silent. The spell Twilight was trying to do was one where an inanimate object would be given life for a brief period, in which, they are to answer any question you have in the context you intend. Basically, I just made a table all-knowing for about a minute.

“...” I look at everyone in the room with a smile. “Isn’t that awesome!? I can dimension hop again-“

“HOW!?!?” Twilight yells. “YOU HAVE NO MAGIC- NONE!!! I RAN TESTS ON YOU- NOT A SINGLE OUNCE OF CELESTIA BLESSED MAGIC- AND YET- SOMEHOW- YOU CAN PERFORM THE MOST ADVANCED SPELLS, SUMMON LIGHTNING, AND CELESTIA KNOW WHAT ELSE, ALL OF WHICH ARE NOT KNOWN TO PONY KIND!!!” She yells. I lean back a bit, and turn on the massager. In response to her yelling, I take a sip of soda.

“... Yes,” I say. Twilight stares at me for a moment before passing out onto the floor. “... I’m not helping her up.” I look at Celestia, who has genuine concern on her face.

“Anon, how did you do that?” She asks. I shrug.

“No clue,” I say.

“You can’t just say you have no clue, not when-“

“Yes I damn well can,” I interrupt. “Now, about that guy from earlier. If you’re wondering how I know he’ll never bother us again, it’s because I’ve cut off our universe from his.”

“... But- hold on- I thought the table just said-“

“The table said I wouldn’t be noticed, but he didn’t mean ‘noticed by the people in the universe’.” Celestia stares at me for a second before her eyes widen.

“You mean to tell me-“

“Yeah, apparently there’s a couple of beings running a whole multiverse. I don’t remember what they look like exactly, but I do remember seeing black and white spots,” I say. Celestia shakes her head.

“Anon, you might have single handedly almost doomed everyone here. The risk in this kind of travel-“

“Hopping,” I interrupt.

“No matter! Who knows what could have happened!? You could have died!” Celestia yells.

“Aw, does someone care for me?” I ask cheekily.

“This is not a joke!” Celestia yells.

“Celestia. I am a villain,” I say. “Why the absolute fuck would I care about what happens to other people?”

“It’s just- I-“ Celestia stops and takes a deep breath. After a moment, she sighs. “Please, just promise me that you will not give anyone, and I mean anyone that book.” I quirk an eyebrow.

“You’re not going to try and take it away?” I ask.

“You’ve had this dangerous world ending book for a while, and the universe hasn’t ended yet. Quite frankly, I don’t want anyone who could use it to actually use it. And if I know you well enough, I know that you won’t let anyone else use it,” Celestia says.

“What if I use it? I’ve used it three or more time already,” I counter.

“I can see that, at the very least, you have enough good in you to keep this universe around,” Celestia says. I laugh.

“Awfully bold,” I say. She smiles at me, making me stop.

“No, I trust you,” she says. I frown and deadpan at her. “Believe it or not, after seeing how you’ve accidentally helped others, I like to think you’re rather...” I cross my arms.

“What?” I ask.

“... Nice. Of course, one would have to get to know you, but you’re nice in the end,” she says. I furrow my brow.

“Fuck no, I’m not.” Celestia laughs.

“Look around you Anon. You’ve stabilized two countries, albeit forcefully, but you managed to make everyone... what’s the phrase... step up their game?” Celestia takes a moment to laugh. “In all my years, I’ve never seen a villain help other so much, accidentally or otherwise.” I huff.

“That’s because if there’s no world to terrorize, then it’ll be pointless,” I say. Celestia rolls her eyes.

“You keep telling yourself that. I’m starting to think-“

“Bones!” I yell. Bones walks in, saluting. “Please escort Celestia and Twilight out. But since Twilight’s asleep, you’ll have to put her somewhere other than the ground. I’m certain the dumpster’s good enough,” I say. Celestia deadpans at me as Bones salutes.

“Yes sir! Come along now Celestia,” Bones says. Celestia sighs, but smiles.

“Very well Anon, until next time,” she says. She gets up as a couple of guard dogs come in and grabs Twilight. As they walk out, Celestia waves bye with a wing before the door closes. I lean back, vining with my massage chair, contemplating what my next move shall be since I’m apparently too nice...

Author's Note

Again, 500 likes, another sequel.