Santa Claus: Not Wanted Dead Or Alive

by Frazzle2Dazzle

Rating: everyone
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Original Character, Spike, Comedy, Random, Pinkie Pie
Length: 2086

Spike is excited about Santa Claus this Hearth’s Warming. Twilight is decidedly less so.

Sadly, Santa Claus isn’t coming to the Sparkle Household.

Good thing he sends his Elves instead.

A Jinglemas Story for Gay For Gadot, the person I am being a Secret Santa for.

Published 2020-12-22 07:50:00 UTC
Last updated 2020-12-22 07:50:00 UTC

Santa Claus Isn’t Coming

It was Hearth’s Warming Eve, with nary a bad thought, pony hearts were full of cheer, for joy is what they sought.

But this year was different, it was bound for much strife, because of a story, told to one dragon-

“SPIIIIIIIIIKE!”

Spike jumped a little in his seat as he heard Twilight yell from the ground floor of the Library. What’s got her so worked up?

Setting the Power Ponies comic he had been reading on a table by his bed, he descended the stairs to where Twilight was.

His gaze wandered over the various decorations he and Twilight had put up earlier that week as he descended the steps, the bright greens and reds of ornaments, the silver tinsel, and the various other knick knacks they had for Hearth’s Warming.

It wasn’t as magnificent as what other ponies might do for decoration, but Twilight did try and make an effort for the season, even if it was a bit lackluster.

And coming to a stop on the ground floor of the tree, Spike looked over to see Twilight standing beside the much smaller pine tree they had erected in the main room, with ornaments all over it, as well as a picture of both Twilight and himself hanging off it.

And that’s when he saw the cross look on Twilight’s face, a bit scowly and annoyed as she looked at him.

“Uh... Hey, Twilight, what’s the matter?”

“The matter? THE MATTER?!” Twilight forcefully asked, before gesturing to a table near the tree, “That is the problem!”

Spike looked over and couldn’t tell what she meant.“Uh... The color of the wall is wrong?”

“No, the table!”

“But that table’s been here since we moved in, are you sure you wanna get rid of it?”

Groaning, Twilight slid a hoof down her face before grabbing something off the table and showing it to Spike. “No, this!”

Looking over what she grabbed, Spike saw the tray of milk and cookies he had made earlier, along with the letter he had written for Santa Claus.

“...And what’s wrong with a thank you letter to Santa?”

And at that moment, Spike knew, he had messed up.

The veins in Twilight’s head bulged as she gritted her mouth into a snarl. “Everything is wrong with a thank you letter to that two bit, no good, book stealing, son of a diamond dog!”

Spike did a double take at that. “Woah, Twilight, language!”

Glaring at the letter for a bit more, she finally took a long breath in before slowly letting it out. “*Sigh* I’m sorry, Spike. It’s just that Santa Claus is not welcome in this household.”

“Why? Doesn’t he bring gifts to everyone on Hearth’s Warming? What’d he do?”

Glancing away, Twilight’s face had a far off look. “It’s better if you don’t know...”

“But mommy, I wanted an advanced spellbook on the quantum applications of thaumic energy! Why’d Santa bring me toys again?”

“Maybe he’ll bring that book to you next year.”

“That’s what you said two Hearth’s Warming ago!”

Shaking herself out of her reverie, Twilight again glared at the items in her magic. “Anyways, Santa Claus is not welcome in this house, and that’s final! The presents from the rest of us will just have to do.” Twilight took the plate of cookies over to the kitchen, setting it and the letter on the counter and putting the milk inside the fridge.

“Aw, but how bad could he be? C’mon Twilight, it’s Hearth’s Warming! How bad could one jolly red giant be for one night?”

Twilight gave him a deadpan stare. “Very bad. How did you even hear about Santa Claus, anyway?”

“Oh, Pinkie told me!”

Twilight stared at him for a moment before teleporting a clipboard into the air beside her, writing down something before teleporting it away. “Right, I’ll just get to her next. For now, you should really go to bed Spike, it’s getting late. You don’t want to sleep all through Hearth’s Warming, do you?”

Spike sighed. “Fiiine... I guess I’ll wait for Santa another year.”

“If I have anything to say about that, you won’t.”

Grumbling to himself, Spike ascended the stairs back in the main room. “Night, Twilight.”

“Goodnight, Spike!”

Spike tossed in his sleep, visions of sugar plums and jolly red ponies dancing through his head, of candy canes and snow falling on it as well.

A bit disgruntled, he finally awoke in the middle of the night. He felt incredibly thirsty, like he had fallen asleep with his mouth open again. The scorch marks on his pillow confirmed that.

Groaning as he got up, he quietly stepped out of his bed as Twilight snored on hers, the noise resonating in his ears as he stepped past to the stairs. As he descended them and traversed the main room into the kitchen, he blearily blinked his eyes to try and remove the fog in them.

Opening the fridge, he grabbed the glass of milk from earlier and gave it a chug, sighing in relief after he drank it.

His ears perked as he heard rustling and movement from the room he just left, and he glanced back over. “Twilight? You there?” He called.

The small eep he heard afterwards was most definitely not her voice.

Frowning in confusion, Spike walked out of the kitchen to see... Well, he wasn’t entirely sure what he saw. Everything looked normal, the tree was there, the presents from Twilight and the girls were under it, the stockings he and Twilight had were hanging by the fireplace-

Spike did a double take. “Uh... Since when did this very flammable library have a fireplace there?” That wasn’t all, though...

Looking to the tree, Spike saw that there were a few more presents underneath it, and walking up and reading a tag on one of them, he saw- “No way...” -that it was from, “Santa Claus...?”

Looking back to the fireplace, Spike couldn’t help but wonder. Santa was here? And... He installed a Fireplace to come down a Chimney?

That... Really didn’t make sense.

Spike got up, walking over to the Fireplace to inspect it closer. It was a lot like what he imagined most fireplaces to be like, red brick and stone all piled together, going up into the ceiling, with a small pile of logs burning in the middle of it, streaming smoke up the Chimney.

Reaching in to feel the fire a bit better and get a sense of how long it might have been burning, he felt a... Fuzzy sensation, similar to Twilight’s magic surrounding the paw he had stuck in, which quickly spread to the rest of his body, and a second too late, as he tried to pull his arm back out, he was sucked into the fireplace and up the chimney, his scream trailing behind him.

“THIS ISN’T A NORMAL FIREPLACE...!”

And upstairs, still on her bed, Twilight continued to snore.

Spike was rushing through the air for what felt like hours, but was probably just a minute, before he finally stopped, thudding into something big, soft and cozy.

Groaning from the impact, Spike slowly got up and shook his head of the stars in his eyes, to see he had landed on- “A giant teddy bear?” He said, confused.

Struggling out of the soft, jiggly trap that was the stuffed toy’s embrace, he stepped onto the ground, a wooden floor made of dark oak planks. Looking around, he saw toys of varying shapes and sizes littered around the room, dolls and action figures stacked in huge piles, sports equipment arranged by alphabetical order, and books on every wall, ranging from children stories and comic books to art illustrations and adult novels.

And across from the bear, set against the wall, was what had to be the biggest fireplace Spike had ever seen, sitting at over three ponies in height, and half again wide. Inside was a smooth sea of flames, burning calmly like an old stallion in their rocking chair.

And through those flames, he saw so much.

He saw the living rooms of homes from all across Equestria, from a huge tree lavished in ornaments in what looked like a mansion of some sort to a small, cozy tree, adorned with gold and blue sitting in Canterlot palace.

But in the center of the fire, he also saw the tree he had helped Twilight decorate earlier that week, ornaments that all matched each other in size, save the one picture of him and Twilight hanging off of it.

Staring in wonder at the fireplace and all the stuff around him, he couldn’t help but wonder:

“Where the hay am I?!”

A pile of boxes collapsing and a startled yelp to his right made him flinch, as he looked over to see a suspiciously pink pony in a green vest and a green striped, pointy hat by a tumbled stack of crates with ‘Cookie’ labels on them.

“Wait... Pinkie?” This night was getting weirder and weirder for him.

“Uhhh.... Happy Holidays?” Pinkie said sheepishly.

“Hey, Twenty-Two, is everything alright over here?” Another Pinkie came walking into sight. “You unstacked the stacked stacks of stackable snacks that-“ She abruptly halted her speech as she noticed the dumbstruck form of Spike.

“...Twenty-Two? You remember the codes?”

“Yepperoo, Fifteen.” ‘Twenty-Two’ replied

The Pinkie, who seemed to be ‘Fifteen’, nodded. “Roger dodger, do the Glitter Bomb, Whipped Cream Mode.”

Spike just stood there in confusion as Pink- Er, ‘Twenty-Two’ pulled some kind of orb out of her mane. “Wait, hold up, what’s going on? And why are there two of-“

“GLITTER BOMB!” ‘Twenty-Two’ yelled out as she threw the orb at Spike’s feet, causing it to explode out, surrounding him with glitter. Coughing a bit from it, he couldn’t help but get some in his mouth, and he started to feel a bit light headed from it.

He sat on the ground in a daze, barely noticing anything around him, other than a woosh of air, and what felt like the heat of a fire, before his mind went fully dark.

But His Elves Left Some Gifts

Spike’s mind slowly came to as he drowsily picked himself up off the ground. Yawning as he looked around, he saw that he was in the main room, right beside the tree he and Twilight had put up.

It foggily came back to him as he looked around more and more. He had woken up in the middle of the night and went downstairs to get something to drink, and then...

Then he had gone to wait by the tree to see if Santa would come.

Yawning again, he smacked his lips as he looked at the tree again, noticing that there were more presents there than there were the night before.

“What the...?” Spike reached out and grabbed one, flipping it around to see the tag.

“‘From... Santa Claus?’” He breathed out in wonder.

And like a bolt of lighting, Twilight was there.

“...Spike?”

Twilight’s call startled him, and he turned to see her at the bottom of the steps leading from the upstairs. “Uhh... Yeah, Twilight?”

“Did you just say that that gift is from Santa Claus?”

Spike looked from the gift to her and back before answering.

“...Mayyyybe?”

Twilight glared at the present. “Oh, son of a- How’d that second rate circus act get past my warding spells?!”

Twilight turned her gaze to the floor, frowning deeply before sighing and turning back to Spike.

“Well, as long as they’re here, we might as well see how Santa will disappoint me this time.”

Looking back to the rest of the new presents under the tree, Spike’s face split into a grin. “We’re keeping them?”

Twilight smiled. “Of course Spike. It is Hearth’s Warming.”

With a shout of joy, Spike grabbed the first gift from under the tree and started unwrapping it.

Twenty-Two looked on at the scene in the fire with a smile on her face, glad for another night’s good work done. A few heavy steps from behind her heralded the arrival of a weighty, very important pony.

“It’s all done, sir, Hearth’s Warming is complete for Ponyville.” She said.

A jolly hoof clapped her on the back as she turned to stare at the joyous face of Santa Claus.

“Good work, my dear! Thanks again for getting those gifts to her, there’s no way I could’ve gotten past her wards!”