The Stupid Question

by Mockingbirb

Rating: everyone
Tags: Spike, Comedy, Random, Human, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Other
Length: 1487

Is there such a thing as a stupid question? While playing a party game with a pony who takes it far too seriously, our protagonist finds out.

Is there such a thing as a stupid question? While playing a party game with a pony who takes it far too seriously, our protagonist finds out.

Published 2020-12-09 18:30:00 UTC
Last updated 2020-12-09 18:30:00 UTC

Q&A

The video chat window showed a smiling purple unicorn.

She said, "Hello! You've been randomly chosen from among all the My Little Pony fans, to help a magical pony learn more about the human world. Doesn't that sound fun? In Equestria we have a special game we call Thousand Questions. I found it in a book of party games. So let's begin!"

Hugh looked at the cartoonish image on his screen. "This is very silly."

Twilight levitated her book, tilting it towards herself so Hugh saw only the cover. She turned a page.

She asked, "What if you had to choose between being Discord, or being a nasty little rabbit who lives with Fluttershy?"

"But aren't Discord and Angel Bunny already Discord and Angel Bunny? What happens to them if I become them? Where would they go?"

"What if you could choose between having Applejack's apple-bucking strength, or the ability to breathe on the moon while holding your nose?"

"Holding my nose? In this scenario, what kind of pony am I? And do I get unlimited clothespins?"

"What if you had to choose between answering a series of ridiculous questions, or not getting to chat with Twilight Sparkle?"

"I think we know the answer to that one. Hey, where's Pinkie Pie right now, and what's she doing? I'll bet SHE'S even better at fun party games than YOU are. Let's make this a conference call."

"What if you could choose between this game being non-political, or being political?"

"Bring back Diarchy! Luna and Discord forever!"

"Cupcakes or muffins, which is better?"

"Cronuts! With cream cheese and lox! And chocolate sauce on top! With whipped cream and sprinkles!"

"What if you could meet anypony you wanted to, but only in alphabetical order?"

"Um...can I 'call a friend' before I answer this one? I want to ask Zecora something."

"What if you could turn into a cat?"

"Oh, I've heard of this one! Meow meow meow!"

"What if you had to choose between being able to turn into a cat anytime you want to, or being able to turn back FROM a cat anytime you want to?"

"When I turn back FROM a cat, do I get to choose what I turn back TO? Because if I do, I see no downsides to this at all."

"If you could have any pony turn back into a foal and appear in your world in a cardboard box and you had to raise her for seventeen or eighteen years until she grows up, which pony would you choose?"

"Turning a pony into a foal? That doesn't sound fair to the pony. Maybe a pony who's already a foal? But I don't know how to raise an Equestrian foal. Maybe a pony who's already able to take care of herself even though she's a foal? But I don't know how that would even work. I'm confused. None of the above?"

"Got it! I'll put you down for Discord who's turned himself into a giant baby."

"I'm afraid."

"If you could choose between controlling the sun and moon the way Celestia does, or being able to go into ponies' dreams the way Luna does, which would you choose?"

"I don't know if the sun and moon could ever work that way in the human world. But I guess if I could raise and lower the sun and moon, moving a spaceship with my mind would be easy. So I guess I'll pick Celestia, and start my own outer space cruise line."

Twilight nodded. "Good choice. I'll have to ask Celestia if we could do that in my world too! Now my next question. Or--"

Twilight glanced at an hourglass, and picked it up. "We're all out of time. And I didn't even get to ask you anything from the rabid weasels section."

"That's all right." Hugh shuddered. "I don't like rabid weasels."

"Congratulations!" Twilight said. "You've completed the game!"

"So...what's this Thousand Questions game even for? Why do ponies play it? How do you win?"

"Oh! I forgot to explain! Partly it's just a way for ponies to get to know each other. But after you answer the questions, you might get at least one of your answers."

"So...I might get the cronut I asked for?"

"You can't trick me that easily. You asked for CRONUTS. More than one. So you would for sure get MORE than ONE cronut. If cronuts are what you get."

Twilight shouted, "Spike?"

After a moment, the little dragon walked into the camera's view, carrying some parchment sheets. "Here I am."

Twilight looked over Spike's notes. "Spike? You didn't write down the questions. All we have here are a bunch of answers."

Spike shrugged. "Didn't you read the questions out of the book? So they should be already written down."

Twilight looked cross. "That's not how it works. The book doesn't have the questions. It has answers, and then I make up questions for the answers, and I ask the other player."

"Wow," Spike said. "So if somepony came up with the same answers as you started with, what would that mean?"

Twilight frowned. "Maybe it would mean they cheated. Or maybe...I don't know, Spike."

Hugh asked, "Did I DO that? Did the book HAVE answers like Discord as a giant baby? If it did, that is one weird book."

Twilight scolded him, "If I told you, that would be helping you cheat! And cheating is wrong."

"But you said this is a party game. I didn't know it was so high stakes."

Twilight leaned towards her webcam. Magical camera? Whatever, Hugh wasn't sure how she did this. If she really was her doing this, and it wasn't just a hoax.

She said seriously, "Tests are very important. Do you even know how important it is, not to cheat on a test? How bad it would be to do that?"

Hugh blinked. Then, remembering the show, he cracked a joke. "How bad? Could I get sent back to MAGIC KINDERGARTEN?"

Twilight noticed that the human was looking over her shoulder, at a mirror on the wall behind her. "Spike! Why didn't you tell me there was a mirror behind me!"

Spike rolled his eyes. "Probably for the same reason you didn't notice it either. Give it a rest, Twilight. It's just some dumb party game."

"Quizzes are NOT just some dumb party game!" Twilight shouted. "Quizzes are VERY IMPORTANT!" She started to hyperventilate. "There has to be SOME WAY I can make this right!"

She smiled in an only slightly creepy-looking way. "Oh! Of course! I can give the player one of their answers. That will make everything okay!"

"Wait a minute!" Hugh said. "I don't want a giant baby Discord! I wasn't thinking! I was distracted by the pandemic! I was trying to figure out how not to get a fatal disease! I was--"

In that instant, Hugh vanished.

***

In a large room, pony foals of all different colors played.

"--trying to hang onto my sanity in the worst, craziest year of my life ever!" a yellow-green unicorn foal shouted.

A plump unicorn pony looked down at the chartreuse foal. "Do we shout indoors?" she scolded. "No, we do not shout indoors. At least, not without a very good reason."

The foal stared up at the grownup pony. He looked down at his own tiny body. He raised a forehoof, clumsily feeling his own face. He found his horn. He made a funny face, squinting as he tried to concentrate on his horn. He watched glowing sparks of magic fly out in front of him.

Finally, he spoke. "Sorry. I'm new to this school. Nopony even told me what the rules are."

The grownup smiled in a kindly-looking way. "I understand." She patted the tiny unicorn foal on the head. "Everypony's new sometime. Welcome to magic kindergarten."

The foal's eyebrows rose. "Magic kindergarten? Where unicorn foals learn how to do magic?"

"Yes," the grownup said. "I'm Missus Almond Milk. I teach little foals about healthy living, and nature, and introductory science. And one of those sciences is the science of magic."

"So you'll teach me how to do magic?"

"If you're a good little colt who pays attention, yes I will."

The colt looked thoughtful. "One more question. Do you have something with a name like COVID-19 here? A ponydemic disease that makes ponies sick or dead? Something that even when it doesn't kill them, sometimes badly damages their lungs or their hearts or their brains?"

Almond Milk shook her head. "Certainly not. I can't believe Princess Celestia would ever allow such a thing."

The foal smiled. "You know what? I think this is just fine." He raised his voice a little, but didn't shout. "Thank you Twilight Sparkle! Best party game punishment ever!"

Author's Note

Where do story ideas like this come from, anyway? Won't someone make them stop? :twilightsmile: