Drive

by IncandescentSolaire

Rating: mature
Tags: Suicide / Self Harm, Slice of Life, Death, Human, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Second Person, Dark, Sad, Princess Luna
Length: 2165

You stare out your windshield, coasting at a moderate speed. Life seems so peaceful out here, so peaceful when you're driving. The yellow lights covering the landscape in a shade of gold, the cool air through your window. Yet you're still so, so sad.

You don't know why, but the night has always swept your fears away. Oddly as it was, you weren't exactly scared of the dark. No, not the dark, but you were certainly scared of the idea of a void. A void that you've been carrying all this time inside you, and you don't know why.

You take your keys and start the ignition in your car, with no destination in mind. All you really know is that you need to drive.

So you do.

Published 2020-12-16 00:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2020-12-16 00:10:01 UTC

Perfect

Cars pass you.

You pass cars.

Life isn't any more simple than this, you imagine. The world around you right now is nonexistent, yet the only thing in the world. You look out your window on your left, seeing the golden lights dotting the entire road and sidewalks. You had this odd feeling that the world never noticed that the night was always cascaded in a shade of yellow, from all the lights. You thought that you might be the only one to notice.

You chuckle to yourself, for no reason really. You do it all the time. You never knew why, but sometimes you felt like you had to laugh. Sometimes it felt like something was coming up. A thought, a feeling, something. Yet, you quell it easily with a light chuckle, and focus back on the road, looking at the red lights staring back at you from the car in front. You imagined what they were out driving for, especially so late at night.

Perhaps they were like you.

Or perhaps they were normal.

You didn't care, just as they probably don't care about you in your car. You never really thought about it much, but you never really paid attention to the people in the cars. Just the cars. It's something so weird to think about the fact that everyone out here is out here for their own reasons. You really don't know why it's weird, but it just is. Something so simple, a fact even, is creeping you out slightly.

You begin to realize you really don't know a lot of things.

Not in the sense that you're dumb in any way, but that you feel that you don't have any answers to why life is the way it is. Sure, history and all of that has proceeded to make things the way they are now. But what about before? What about individual history? What about peoples lives?

What about your life?

Insignificant in the big picture, you imagine. It doesn't surprise you. You're not special, you're not amazing by any means, but you also feel like nothing bad can happen to you. You're you, right? You always hear the stories about how someone got diagnosed with cancer, how it's sad, but you end up saying to yourself 'That sucks. I'm glad that's not me.'

You ask yourself now: Why not you?

There's nothing proving that it can't happen to you. How would it feel if someone said that to you, when you were diagnosed with cancer, or something similarly worse? You couldn't even imagine it. You don't even think you could be angry. You think that your response would be mundane.

'This sucks.'

You suppose that's your answer to a lot of things.

You look to your right, looking past the dark-blue alicorn sitting in your seat to see a homeless ma-

Wait, what?

"Oh my god-!"

You swerve your steering wheel out of pure fright, the fear catching up to your throat, sealing any more noise from coming out. Yet, your car doesn't move. It simply stays its course, as if it were moving on its own. In fact, you were sure you were slamming on the gas pedal right now, yet it wasn't going forward like it should.

Luna, your favorite Princess, looked down at you.

"You're troubled."

Yeah, no doubt. You have a cartoon princess horse sitting in your seat, but instead of freaking out as a normal person would, you realize you aren't a normal person. Instead of squandering this opportunity by screaming relentlessly by how its not real, why don't you indulge your hallucination?

"Yeah, I guess you could say I am."

She stared at you for a little bit, before gazing at the surroundings passing by. You let your foot off of the gas pedal, and let your hands fall to your sides, the car keeping on with its magical auto-drive feature, despite not having a tesla. You stared at her, studying even the smallest of details. It was definitely real looking to you, yet you had no reason to believe such a thing to be real.

She looked at you, her face giving off a pleasant vibe throughout your car. You always thought Celestia was the one to be able to do that, yet Luna here was definitely soothing you with just her presence alone. She opened her mouth to talk, taking a breath before speaking. "I feel emptiness emanating from you."

You chuckled, like you did earlier. Hiding something away with a lock and key, trying to make sure it wasn't noticeable, yet you very well knew that she could detect it. There was no reason to keep it hidden, as she already knew something was up, yet you felt compelled to carry on the act. As if you had been in the role for so long that it felt out of place, naked even to give up the facade.

You nodded your head. "I guess, but isn't that just apart of life? Doesn't everyone feel a little bit of emptiness in them?"

She tilted her head with a light nod. "Yes, but you are selling your emptiness short. You have a hole, bigger than you might think. I can feel it coming off of you. It's strength is palpable."

You shrugged. "You're saying this like I can solve any of it."

She looked out the window to her right, staring out of it with a plain look on her face, as if she were weighing her words carefully. For something out of your imagination, you are a little surprised. You would've thought of something a little more different than the mini-therapy lesson you were getting.

"When you look outside your window, what do you see?"

You shrugged again. "People, walls, tree's-"

"You're speaking too literal. I mean, what do you feel?"

You thought about that one. What did it have to do with anything, honestly? You've seen these roads, walls, tree's, and even some of the people passing by once before. Yet, for what honestly seemed like the first time, you truly looked outside of your window, outside of the tunnel vision that consumed you while driving, and what you saw startled you a little bit.

Perhaps not what you saw, but what you felt. You didn't really know why this feeling came along, or how it even made sense on how it did. Yet, this feeling grabbed you strongly and refused to let go. You opened up your mouth to speak, taking a breath before you do.

"Like I don't belong."

Luna turned her head towards you, giving a little smile. "I know what that felt like. I know what it felt like to feel like you never belonged. To feel like you've traveled a road so many times that you know it by heart, yet never really took the time to look at it. And look where it had landed me."

"On the moon."

She nodded with a smile still. "On the moon. It was an unpleasant time, with nothing to do. Nothing to do except look at the world from a birds-eye view, yet only farther. So far that everything below became obsolete. It didn't matter. And before long, I forgot what that road I traveled so many times looked like. I forgot what it felt like. I forgot that it existed."

You shook your head. "I'm confused, what does this-"

"-so when I came back, I wasn't plagued by the old thoughts I had. The emptiness was gone because I got away from the source. Yet, I forgot all along that I was the source. Getting away from the world for such a long time allowed me to understand why I was becoming the way I was."

"And why was that, Luna?"

She stared forward out the windshield. "Because I forgot that I am apart of the world that surrounds me. For so long, I forgot that I existed in a world, and I felt like I was so lonely. Like no one else felt the way I did, and yet, there were so many that felt that same way."

You stared forward out the windshield, giving another chuckle. "I don't think I have the opportunity to chill on a moon for a thousand years or so in order to fix my problems, Luna. Reality is disappointing. What's the point of living within it if all it causes is disappointment?"

She looked down, as if you had disappointed her, or pained her. You felt your heart pinch a little bit, but a little voice in your head tells you it's nothing to worry about. 'That's life, isn't it?' You've told yourself that so many times that you really did forget what life is.

She looked back up, staring out the windshield still, readjusting herself in the chair. "Do you really feel like there is no point in living?"

You knew there was a point to live, you just couldn't find it. It was like being asked a simple math question yet being unable to solve it. You wanted to answer something, something as simple as two plus two, yet you knew you just couldn't. You sighed, leaning your head back on the headrest. "At this point, Luna? Yes."

"That saddens me to hear that. Why would you think that?"

"I don't know." You respond truthfully. "I suppose it's the fact that I'm boring? I'm useless, i'm ordinary, I'm nothing like anyone else. Everyone else has goals, aspirations, dreams, and I have nothing. I don't know what I want to do with my life, I grew up not knowing what I wanted to do with my life. I had friends that I blew off all the time in order to be alone, only to realize I lost the only people that cared about me. I put myself in this position. So, if I put myself here, why not die by my own hands?" You say, mocking a sharp right turn on the steering wheel, which didn't guide the car at all.

Luna shook her head. "You've got a lot to live for. Your family? The people you know, even if they're acquaintances? If they knew that someone they knew killed themselves, they would feel so terrible about it. It would fix no ones situation."

"That's a damn lie and you know it. I hear that all the time, 'killing yourself doesn't help anyone' yet it certainly does. It would help me."

"How would doing that help you?"

"I wouldn't be here to feel the pain I do now, right? Sounds like a win to me."

Luna grumbled, a little frustrated at your comments. You felt a little proud, arguing your truth against her aid. You don't know why you felt proud of it, but you certainly did. It felt like you were justifying your suicide in a way, and honestly you felt like you were doing a great job. You only had one chance to justify it, right? Couldn't do it after.

Wait, when did this turn into you wanting to kill yourself?

"What would be the one thing you could change that you think would stop you from doing such an act?"

You think about it with a smile on your face, thinking of all the dumb stuff you could wish into existence if you had the power of a genie. Money, fame, a relationship, games, houses, cars. Yet, you found yourself getting bored of those. Those felt like the easy answers, the lame answers, the predictable answers.

You sighed. "I don't know. Life isn't like My Little Pony, you know? As much as I wish it was, it just isn't. And I find it hard to believe that even if it was, it would solve my problems. I'd probably end up just as fucked up, yet in a perfect world. That would really make me an outcast."

Luna stared at you. "You wish life was like my own home?"

"Yeah, I guess. I wish life was like your home."

"I think I can arrange that."

You smirked. "Yeah, I'd love to see you try-" You felt a floating sensation, as if you were becoming weightless. Everything began to get brighter, and the world more colorful around you. Luna smiled, yet it didn't seem as happy as you thought it could've been. It felt somber, even. You didn't question it though. Even if this was a weird hallucination, you were going to see her world!

The My Little Pony world.

A perfect world, right?

Yeah. A perfect world.

DRIVER FOUND DEAD ON 413, EAST ROAD

At 2:13am, multiple witnesses say that the car had veered off to the left of the road, passing through the oncoming lane, and into a tree at an accelerated speed head on. When authorities arrived on the scene, they found a dashcam in the vehicle, pointed at the drivers face.

The authorities say the driver smiled before collision.