Can You Feel My Heart

by Snow Quill

Rating: teen
Tags: Suicide / Self Harm, Rarity, Tragedy, Applejack, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Death, Sad, Romance
Length: 4904

When your heart has been ripped from your chest, are you still alive?

I’ll never forget the look in her eyes, the desperation in her voice. She didn’t want to die, but she also wanted me to live. 

Unfortunately, I can’t be certain what I am anymore and where my heart lays. The cruel world of reality and life, or the torment of death. 

Can you feel my heart, my love, do you know where I am?

Content Warnings - Death, suicide.

Written for the fabulous Rice! She's a really great writer/artist and you guys should definitely check out her stuff too.

Cover art by me!

(If you are a writer looking for cover art, send me a PM!)

Published 2020-12-11 18:50:00 UTC
Last updated 2020-12-11 18:50:00 UTC

For Whom My Heart Toils

Rarity always felt cold when she slept alone. It didn’t matter how many fluffy blankets she laid under or what sort of thick, heat trapping wool pajamas she wore, she was cold when her bed held only one, her body aching for the comfort and warmth of the other it had become accustomed to.

She shivered and tried to curl up tighter, afraid that if she opened her eyes she would see her own breath. She had been so very cold lately, ever since…

Rarity clenched her teeth so hard it hurt, but the pain wasn’t entirely unwelcome. Anything to distract her from the deep, aching freeze that expanded from her core until it felt like she was made of the same ice and snow that was falling outside.

She listened to the almost mournful groaning of the storm, the wind wailing a symphony of pain and grief. She knew she was projecting a bit, that the physical storm outside was being twisted by her mind to reflect the emotional storm inside her, but still it fit.

It was a storm similar to that day.

Rarity shivered again, this time not from the oppressing chill that gripped her. She forced her hooves up to cover her face, the movements jerky and only slightly coordinated. Tears stung her eyes, nearly burning her cheeks as they rolled down her face. Desperate sobs forced themselves from her lips as she silently pleaded for some respite, just a little bit of warmth and salvation from the maelstrom in and outside of her.

Unfortunately, her pleas were left unanswered and so she shivered beneath her quilts, waiting for mornings light to drive back enough of the cold for her to get out of bed.

~~

“...You sure about this hun?”

I smiled and tossed my mane as I looked back at Applejack. “But of course my love! I have consulted some maps and refined my gem finding spell, we should be in and out in a couple hours at most. Any cave we find could have gems untouched and unseen by pony eyes in...Well I imagine for a very long time. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity and should provide simply lovely additions to the Crystal Empire Winter Gala line I am going to make.”

Applejack hummed as she fastened her saddlebag, the sturdy bag filled with snacks, small picks, emergency med kit and flares. “Hmm...I just, shouldn’t we at least see if we can get a guard or two to come with us? I don’t feel safe going outside the bubble without some sort of protection.”

I playfully roll my eyes and turn towards her with a smirk, running my hoof down her back and teasingly trailing down her strong hind legs. “Oh I think I have plenty of protection already~”

Applejack sputtered as a deep blush spread across her cheeks. “R-Rarity…”

I flutter my eyelashes innocently, “Yes, Applejack?”

Applejack huffed and pulled me into a short kiss. She kept her hoof protectively wrapped around me as she pressed her forehead to mine, her voice soft yet deep with emotion. “I love you Rarity. I will do anything to keep you safe.”

I nearly swooned, but just managed to stay on my hooves. I pecked her lips with as much passion and love as she had kissed me with earlier. “And I you. Our lives as element bearers have not been very safe or cushy, much as I wish otherwise….But I’m not entirely helpless anymore. I have learned a few fighting spells from Twilight and will use them until my last breath to ensure your safety.”

I gave her a somewhat crooked smile, my gaze fierce with determination. “If the gates of Tartarus themselves burst open I would fight for you. Besides, you can think of this little outing like a fun adventure date, you love doing those don’t you?”

Applejack sighed softly, even as she smiled back. “Well, at least we don’t have to worry about Tartarus bursting open all the way out here. Alright then, lets go get you some special gems.”

~~

Although the chill Rarity felt when sleeping alone receded a bit upon waking, it never went away entirely; not anymore at least. Her limbs would warm enough to move without threatening to break her leg every step, but that was it.

Rarity shuffled down the steps from her bedroom to her kitchen with all the grace a recently raised member of the dead would possess. Considering the unshakeable cold that haunted her since that day, she felt it an apt enough comparison.

Once in the kitchen, she went through the motions of making breakfast, if nothing else than for the fact her sister or friends would be by soon to make sure she had actually eaten. Maybe her loss of appetite and subsequent weight loss contributed to the fact that she could never get warm enough anymore. Maybe it was all in her head.

Maybe none of it mattered anymore.

She couldn’t deny that she had lost all motivation for living - she wasn’t so lost in her grief to be able to pretend nothing was wrong - but the more time that passed, the more she had to wonder if that was such a bad thing.

Ponies died every day after all, from illness or age or...accidents…Their bodies grew cold without the warmth of life as their soul moved on to whatever awaited beyond the veil.

Rarity pressed a hoof to her chest, briefly wondering if she was dead as well, if the last month had simply been a cruel torment of her soul as atonement for what she had done.

She frowned at her toast as she plucked it from the toaster and spread jam across the slices. Did she always make her toast that dark? And she could have sworn she had blackberry jam in the cupboard, not raspberry.

Was she in some mock up of her previous life? Perhaps her continued…’existence’ was a test for her, that upon her passing her soul was declared to be in a ‘grey area’ and unable to be properly judged yet. Or perhaps she had been spared death’s embrace as some other being decided she deserved a second chance. Was she meant to die with her beloved but denied it?

A tear rolled down her cheek. Who could have possibly thought she deserved a second chance? “But I don’t deserve it.”

“Deserve what, sis?”

So swept up in her musings, she had utterly failed to notice her sister’s arrival. Or was it truly her? Rarity shook her head and picked up her toast, turning to the table to sit down and eat. She had spent much time trying to forget, to lose the ability to think and agonize over past failures and it seemed she succeeded to a certain extent, as she couldn’t make heads or tails of the situation, what was real and what wasn’t.

Was anything real, anymore?

She decided it would be best to treat her life, or unlife if it were that, as if it were real. Surely any being who would judge her would expect and want that in judging her soul. Or perhaps...

Rarity silently chewed her toast as Sweetie sat down across from her. “I brought you some coffee from Sugarcube Corner, made just the way you like it. Pinkie also gave me some cupcakes to deliver.”

Rarity nodded, grateful for the small distraction as Sweetie pushed the coffee close to her, as well as a small box.

They sat in silence for a while before Sweetie spoke again. “You know, sis, it’s...It’s been a month. I think it's time you talked to them.”

Rarity paused in bringing the steaming cup of coffee to her lips, grateful she had finished her meager breakfast and had not yet taken a sip of the hot drink. Her voice was heavy with emotion, cracking as she was once more on the verge of tears.“Talk? What, what could I possibly say that would make it, anything okay?”

Sweetie reached across the table to take her hoof. “It’s not your fault.”

Rarity would have scoffed if she could muster the energy to. “Of course it is Sweetie.”

She put the cup down, a hot flash of anger chasing away the cold of loss. “I was the one who dragged her out there, I was the one who insisted we would be fine, I WAS THE ONE WHO ABANDONED HER IN THAT CAVE.”

She hadn’t meant to shout, but she couldn’t help it. She had cried many, many tears, but she hadn’t had a chance to let out her anger and frustration over the event. Rarity pulled her hoof away from Sweetie as bitter words continued to tumble from her mouth. “You know the worst part of it? I could have saved her. SHE DIDN’T HAVE TO DIE!”

Rarity stood suddenly, hot tears staining her cheeks as she bellowed. “SHE TOLD ME TO RUN, TO SAVE MYSELF! I COULD HAVE STOPPED! I COULD HAVE GONE BACK FOR HER. AT THE VERY LEAST SHE DIDN’T HAVE TO DIE ALONE! I -”

Her voice gave out and she collapsed on the table, sobbing now as the anger and heat left her and the cold came rushing back in in a wave that crashed over her, threatening to drown her. “I, she, I could have p-protected her, I could have used a f-f-flare or, something, anything...”

Sweetie gingerly took a step towards her sister, whose voice had gone down to a hoarse whisper, “I could have saved her.”

~~

Applejack whistled lowly as she looked around the cave. “Well I’ll be Rares, this is…”

I squealed with joy, waving my hoof in front of me as I drank in the beautiful site. We were just barely in the cave, but it was like a whole other world, “Isn’t it absolutely magnificent! Why these gems are simply gorgeous, and the way they glitter in the light, why it’s, it’s,” I happily sighed before looking at Applejack with a light smirk. “See, I told you this would be fun.”

Applejack chuckled, rubbing her neck with a hoof. “Yeah, I deserved that. I must admit I am a bit surprised this place still has gems considering we are only a short trot away from the empire.”

I ponder that for a moment before shrugging. “I suppose when one lives as a crystal pony there isn’t much need for gems. Or perhaps they have some sort of mining system and just haven’t reached this particular pocket. No matter, finders keepers and all that.”

I float out the small picks Applejack graciously carried for me and cast my gem finding spell. While I could see many fabulous gems peeking from the wall, the spell would help me extract them safely. I hummed softly as I got to work, carefully scraping away the cold stone surrounding my prizes.

Applejack slowly walked around me, almost scouting the cave - it seems she still thought we were in some sort of danger out here. It was sweet, the way she prowled about like my personal bodyguard. As long as she didn’t make much noise or break my concentration, who was I to deny her her little guardian fantasy?

A sudden gust of wind blew through the mouth of the cave and I shivered with the chill it brought, gritting my teeth to focus on keeping my pick still. Once the wind subsided I let out a sigh of relief. “Oh I hope that isn’t the storm kicking up, I’ve barely begun here.”

I frown and turn my head when Applejack doesn’t respond, “Applejack?”

She blinks and shakes herself, swiveling her head around. “Rarity, I know we just got here, but I think we should leave. That wind...I can’t explain it, but it didn’t feel like just a gusty breeze.”

I tilt my head at her, “Whatever do you mean darling? Like I said, I’ve barely begun the extraction process and it can take quite a while. I’m sure everything is fine, we just aren’t used to this kind of cold weather, that’s all.”

She shuffled on her hooves, looking unconvinced, but finally conceded with a sigh. “Yeah, that’s, that’s probably it. Ponyville winter sure is different than here.”

I giggled and returned to my work.

~~

Rarity stood at the entrance to Sweet Apple Acres, looking over the snow covered orchard with an intense mixture of nostalgia and guilt.

Sweetie was right, much as Rarity loathed to admit it. She had been terribly selfish, locking herself away as she attempted to cope with the loss of her wife. There were others hurting, who had just as much a right, if not more, to mourn deeply.

Those who had lost a sister.

She shuddered, trying to draw her jacket even tighter around her. She’d had to put in new notches in her belt so it would tighten around her diminished figure, but no matter how close she drew the fabric, still that accursed chill remained.

She pondered for a moment why she kept trying to get warm when she knew it was futile. She looked to the farmhouse, watching a plume of smoke rise from the chimney and knew.

She would continue to attempt to get warm because it was all she could do. Of course she could give up entirely and whine and hate the cold, but at that point, she may as well have been truly dead.

It was just like grieving. One could lose themselves completely in it, forsaking the living and longing for those who have passed this world, or they could keep fighting in spite of it, remembering death but also remembering to live.

It was time for Rarity to at least try and start moving forward, with the family she had been avoiding out of guilt.

She steeled herself with a deep breath and started down the path to the house.

She kept her stride strong, knowing that if she slowed for even a second, she would lose all her hard found determination and run away to hide beneath her useless covers at home. She flung her magic out to knock on the door when she was still steps away, so that by the time she was there, it would be open.

Apple Bloom opened the door, her eyes widening when she saw Rarity stepping onto the porch. “Rarity?”

Rarity mustered as much a smile as she could, “Hello Apple Bloom, may I please come in?”

Apple Bloom stared at her for a moment before lunging forward and wrapping her in a hug. Rarity stilled from the affection, unsure what to do. This was far from the reaction she had been expecting.

The sound of a restrained sob from Apple Bloom broke her own gates and she returned the embrace. Even if she didn’t deserve it, Apple Bloom did. The mares slowly sank onto the porch as they embraced each other, clinging to the comfort brought by a loved one.

At some point, Rarity was aware of two other sets of hooves and bodies wrapped around them. The whole family was here, now she had to try and make amends.

“I’m, I’m so sorry…”

Apple Bloom squeezed her, “No, don’t apologize. Not to us. Applejack…”

Apple Bloom’s breath hitched upon the mention of her sister's name but she continued anyways. “She, she knows it’s not your fault.”

Rarity shuddered, half formed arguments disappearing on her tongue. Now was not the time to argue, not when she was trying to make peace. She silently nodded against Apple Bloom’s neck, hoping that would be enough of an answer.

Big Mac cleared his throat as he stepped back from the group hug. “Come on, let’s get inside, it’s cold out.”

The three mares leaned on each other to stand and carefully made their way inside the house. Big Mac disappeared into the kitchen as Sugar Belle, Apple Bloom, and Rarity went to the living room and sat in front of the fireplace.

Big Mac soon came out with a plate of drinks, the steamy cups of spiced apple cider permeating the room with the comforting smell. Rarity took the offered cup gratefully, sipping at the hot drink. It helped to give an illusion of warmth at least as it settled in her stomach.

A peaceful blanket of calm and quiet descended over the group, broken only by the crackle of the fire and occasional sniffle. They leaned on each other, Big Mac next to Sugar Belle, Sugar Belle next to Rarity, and Applebloom on the other end of Rarity.

Rarity wasn’t sure what to say, since the only words she could think of were ‘I’m sorry, it’s all my fault.’ Apple Bloom made it clear she wouldn’t hear those words spoken anymore, and so Rarity stayed quiet. She mused that there didn’t seem a need for words anyways.

Applejack had been a mare of action, and although she could throw together the right words when needed, her language was that of touch, of movement, of feeling the heartbeat of her lover or the warm press of fur against fur. It made sense her family was much the same way.

Rarity hadn’t always understood the language of touch, it seemed rough, demanding and brutally honest. You couldn’t hide anything with touch, not the way you could with words, where the slightest inflection could change the meaning of a statement and leave one enraged or enlightened depending on the situation.

But it was now, when words had utterly failed her, that she relied on the unspoken ways of touch.

Apple Bloom radiated a soft forgiveness, a gentle love that told Rarity she was not alone, and didn’t need to be anymore.

Sugar Belle was understanding, knowing the sharp pang of regret and having to live with mistakes for the rest of your life.

Big Mac was supportive, the offer for a warm hug whenever she needed strength.

Rarity took all this in and tried to tell them how grateful she was for their love, as well as apologies for taking so long to come back. Eventually, when cups ran dry and all that could be communicated through touch was felt, the group separated a bit.

Rarity shuddered and breathed a deep sigh. “T-thank you.”

It wasn’t quite what she wanted to say, but it didn’t feel right to keep trying to apologize. Apple Bloom smiled sadly. “You’re welcome Rarity. You know you are always welcome here and are part of the family, right?”

Sugar Belle nodded and added. “We missed you Rarity, you don’t need to shoulder this alone.”

Big Mac gave an empathetic, “Eyup.”

Rarity smiled and looked at each of them, “Yes, I understand that now. I have missed all of you as well.”

But something wasn’t right here. Despite her proclamation that she would continue to live as if she were, well, alive, she couldn’t shake the thought of her soul being tested. Surely, if this was what she was meant to do, then shouldn’t she be feeling warm? Perhaps at peace?

She seemed to grow colder, the pitiful kernel of warmth that settled in her stomach from the hot drink was completely gone now. Apple Bloom’s smile faded a little as she sensed something change in Rarity, but figured she was just overwhelmed; going from being all alone to suddenly surrounded by support was probably giving Rarity emotional whiplash.

“So, how are you holding up Rarity?”

Rarity glanced at Apple Bloom, suddenly weary with exhaustion. “I, I am managing. Perhaps not as well as I had thought.”

She let out a weak chuckle. “I feel simply dreadful saying this, but I am quite tired. Trust that I will be coming back soon though. I just…”

Apple Bloom nodded and stood up, holding a hoof out to Rarity. “It’s alright, it’s been a long day.” She glanced at the others before refocusing her eyes on Rarity. “Thank you. I know it must have taken a lot to come and see us, and, just, thank you.”

Rarity took her hoof and stood, hesitating a moment before giving her a quick hug. “I promise to be back.”

Sugar Belle stood up and nudged Rarity, “If it isn’t an imposition, maybe we could come see you as well.”

Rarity bit her lip as she thought about it. “You know, I, I think I would like that. How about tomorrow evening? I can make dinner. It will be good to cook for someone other than myself.”

“Oooh! I’ll bring dessert.”

Apple Bloom beamed, “Sounds like a plan! Would you like me to walk you home Rarity?”

Rarity shook her head, “No that’s quite alright, I think I am going to stop by the store while I am out.”

“Alright then, let me at least walk you to the front.”

Rarity stifled her sigh, “Of course. Come, it's getting late.”

As Apple Bloom and Rarity walked to the door, Sugar Belle waved, “Have a safe trip home Rarity, we will see you tomorrow!”

“I will Sugar, see you tomorrow.”

Apple Bloom opened the door for Rarity and the two stepped outside. It was a short walk to the front gate of Sweet Apple Acres, but to Rarity, it felt an eternity. She wasn’t sure if Apple Bloom had something more to say to her, and if she would be able to handle whatever she had to say.

When they got to the gates, Rarity’s fears were confirmed as Apple Bloom sighed heavily, “You know Rarity, I really don’t blame you at all. You trust me to be honest with you, don’t you?”

Rarity found it difficult to look at her, but forced herself to. On the one hoof, Apple Bloom was right, but yet still she couldn’t find herself truly believing she was without fault. “Of course I trust you Apple Bloom, and I thank you for trying to help me, but right now I just can’t believe it’s not my fault. Maybe someday, after all, if you and everyone else keeps telling me that, it’s bound to ring true for me one day.”

Apple Bloom seemed satisfied with her answer. “Well then I hope you don’t get tired of hearing it. Have a good night Rarity, get home safe.”

“I will Apple Bloom, I will.”

~~

“R-Rarity?”

It wasn’t often I heard Applejack stutter, and so I swiftly turned my head towards her. “What’s wrong dear? Are you still feeling unsafe here?”

My heart sank a bit as she nodded. I bit my lip and looked back at the cluster I had almost managed to get excavated. Applejack had wonderful instincts when it came to danger, so I really should listen to her…

I sighed, “I just need two more minutes to get this cluster out. Two minutes, and we leave. I promise.”

“Two minutes...Alright. I wouldn’t want you to leave with nothing.”

“Thank you darling.”

~~

Rarity watched the countryside through the window, the rolling fields an endless blanket of white snow. She mused that the last time she had taken this particular train, she had seen dazzling sites, almost like the snow hid sparkling diamonds among it.

Now, all she saw was white nothingness, a blank sheet of the same dull sight over and over.

Per usual as of late, she was bundled in the warmest clothing she could find, yet it did nothing for her. She felt colder than ever, though how much of that had to do with her lying to her friends she wasn’t sure.

She sighed. Right about now, Apple Bloom, Big Mac, and Sugar Belle would be arriving at her home, only to find it locked and dark. Or, they might be, if this were reality.

She still couldn’t be sure if she was still alive or being tested, so she decided to act as if the latter were true. If she turned out wrong, well, what was that saying about asking forgiveness rather than permission?

She was so sure that talking to the Apples would bring her peace, but it didn’t help at all. That left only one logical choice; she had to make peace with the spirit of her beloved.

“I’m coming, Applejack, and though I don’t deserve such mercy, I hope you at least can find peace.”

~~

The scrape of the pick on the wall was the only sound in the cave. I only had about thirty seconds left before I promised to leave and I was so.close.

Another gust of wind blew and I cursed through grit teeth. Just one more little bit...

“Ah ha! I’ve got it~! Oh it looks even lovelier than I was expecting, now we can-“

My voice was drowned out by a loud rumble, coming from deeper in the cave. I looked at Applejack and saw a terrified expression that mirrored mine. I whimpered, almost whispering, “Applejack?”

A loud ‘crack!’ echoed and then the ceiling started to collapse.

~~

“We will be arriving at the Crystal Empire in three minutes, please make sure you gather your belongings and throw away your trash in the appropriate receptacles. Thank you for riding the Equestrian Rail Service.”

Rarity had no such belongings or trash to gather, and so she continued to sit until the train stopped in the station and the doors opened. Even then, she was the last off the train.

She let out a deep breath as she walked onto the platform and then started to her destination.

~~

Applejack groaned in pain, her lower half pinned by a large piece of rock. My vision was blurry as I held onto her hoof, trying desperately to comfort both her and myself. She would be okay. She had to be.

The cave had stabilized after that large shake, and only a few big pieces fell. Unfortunately, one such piece was right above my beloved, and she didn’t have enough time to fully escape it.

“It’s okay, I’m right here. I’m not going to leave you.”

“Rarity…”

“Y-yes?”

A growl came from inside the cave and we both froze. I tried to look, to see what could have possibly made that sound. It couldn’t be an animal, the cave we were in was extensively mapped and we were at the only entrance.

But it didn’t sound like the rumble that collapsed part of the ceiling earlier either.

Applejack wheezed and I turned my attention back to her. “Shh, it’s okay, it’s, it’s just another rumble.”

Her expression told me she didn’t believe me. I stifled a sob and tried once more to lift the rock that had pinned her, but I was so panicked I couldn’t focus my magic at all.

There was another growl, this time closer, and all my fur stood up on end. Sentient as we ponies may be, we were still prey animals, and knew when a predator lurked nearby. I wrapped my hooves around Applejack, shaking my head even as she began to repeat one word.

“Run.”

~~

The snow crunched under my hooves as I walked the familiar path I took merely one month ago. The biggest difference now being that I walked it alone.

Hopefully, I wouldn’t be alone for much longer.

I am not sure if I am relieved or disappointed to see the police tape gone from the entrance to the cave. Not even a shred remains, indicating it had been deliberately removed. Maybe it was safe now, or maybe it was yet another sign that I wasn’t in the living world anymore.

I sigh. I am so very tired of the confusion that has haunted me since that day.

I nearly snorted, ‘haunted’, what a choice of words given the situation. I stop just outside the mouth of the cave, though for what reason I’m not entirely sure.

It took me a minute to realize I’m listening for a growl.

I grit my teeth and walk into the cave. It’s clean, there’s no sign of any destruction or parts missing. I head straight to the spot where Applejack had been, and find no signs of any disturbance. Not even a hint of blood ever having been there.

I lay down in that spot, arranging myself so that if she were there, we would have been cuddling. I am shivering uncontrollably now, my entire body numb yet lit up by the fiery chill that freezes my veins and leaves me immobile.

No matter, I wasn’t planning on leaving this cave anyways.

“Applejack, if you are here, I am sorry for dragging you out here. I’m sorry for not being strong enough to save you and running away like a coward. I love you, my darling, and I hope someday you can forgive me.”

Silence.

I wasn’t sure what I was expecting. Some flash of light, an ethereal being appearing and telling me I passed? Applejack herself?

But there is nothing.

Perhaps I was wrong after all. Tears squeeze themselves from my eyes as I realize how stupid I was. I didn’t even tell anyone where I was going in case this backfired, and now I was too cold to do anything about it.

It seems I might be seeing my beloved again after all.

I close my eyes.

A voice calls my name, and for the first time in ages, I feel warm.