Anon Wants to Bone Celestia

by Burt

Rating: teen
Tags: Sex, Profanity, Random, Princess Celestia, Human, Princess Luna, Anon, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 2324

Anon states his desire to have sexual relations with Princess Celestia. Princess Luna wants him to say sike right that instant.

Anon feels like bonding with the pony personification of the sun; Princess Celestia. More specifically, he feels like sexually bonding with her.

Princess Luna doesn’t know how to feel about that.

WARNING: Profanity, and I mean a ridiculous amount of profanity. Also sex jokes, because bottom of the barrel humour has been fermenting the longest.

Published 2020-12-27 19:40:00 UTC
Last updated 2020-12-27 19:40:00 UTC

Or alternatively known as: The Segment in Which Sir Anonymous, First of His Name and Lord of Everything Tistic; Wishes to Perform Copulation with Princess Celestia, Goddess of the Sun and Devourer of Cakes

“Luna.”

“Mhm?”

“I kinda wanna fuck your sister.”

Luna’s ceramic coffee mug exploded in her grip, her face lifting from the news paper she had her snout buried in. Her eyes crinkled at the human who sat beside her; the man was currently cleaning under his nails with a tooth pick. “I’m sorry Sir Anonymous, in my old age I seem to find myself slipping from the formalities usually required of me more and more, especially when caught by surprise; such as now. So forgive me for my crassness when I pose you this question. *Ahem—*”

Luna breath caught in her throat and she proceeded to cough into her hoof, before clearing her sinuses with an inhale through the nose; the sound she made was absolutely disgusting, akin to someone about to hock a fat loogie.

“*ACK* Gross. As I was saying,” Deep breath as she leaned forward. “What the fuck did you just say?”

Luna has known Anon for a while now, which sometimes leads her to using his odd human slang.

Said human flicked the tooth pick at Luna’s face, who dodge it with a hiss. “You heard me, you old pussycat. But let me put it into different words for you’s, so you can understand.” He cracked his fingers before putting his feet up on the dinning table, ignoring the withering glare the Princess gave him. “I wanna bone your sister. And I mean deep dick that fucking celestial coochie, y’know? I wish to Invite her to my magic ball room for a dance without pants. What I’m sayin’ is I really need to stir up that horse macaroni pot she has down ther-“

“Anon. You are going to make me vomit.”

He quickly left his seat. “Damn bitch!” He exclaimed. “Don’t ‘splode on my suit, I got some deep sea diving to do later! I’m gonna catch myself some cat fish.”

Luna gagged, her face green. “I don’t even know what that means, but do not talk about my SISTER like that. You sick freak!”

“Oh baby, you don’t need to remind me that I’m a sick freak. Don’t I already know it, honey bunny! In fact, you could say I’m absolutely sick in the nuts~.“

Luna’s eyes widened to a comically large degree, her muzzle scrunched up in so much disgust that her teeth were showing. “...What?” She muttered in confusion.

Anon coughed.

“Yeah... That... That was not what I meant to say.”

“...What were you trying to say?”

Anon chuckled awkwardly, his hands coming up past his ears as he shrugged. “Uh... That I’m sick in the sack? No. That’s not it. I’m crazy in the sack, sick in the bed? Oh fuck it. I’m crazy wit dat thang, if y’know whata mean.”

“I... I don’t.”

“Cuh. What I’m tryin’ to say is that I’m packing some serious grade-A monster hawg right down here.” Anon grabbed his crouch. “Y’know your boy gotta stay strapped at all times. Gotta let them femoids know that Daddy-o’s got that ~fudge~ on him no matter the place or time, yuh know whata mean, Molasses Toddler?“ Cue the finger guns.

“Di- did you just call me Molasses Toddler? What does that even... Wait, do you mean Sugar Baby?”

“Hell yeahhh I do, sister! You’re an itty bitty mound of sugar, miss moonpie! Not quite an absolute dumpster truck of an ass haver like your sister, but you got some cake too.”

“Wh- what?” Luna stopped to look down at her hooves before awkwardly patting her face with them, a glazed look in her eyes. “I smell toast... I think I’m having a stroke...”

“Hey! I’m the only one who gets to do the stroking around here, you dirty old boner head. Now, give me that cool consent. So that I may have sweet, wondrous copulation with your mega dumper having sister, guilt free. Because lawd oh mighty am I hun-ge-ry for that sun.” He bit his bottom lip and let out a muted moan.

Luna stood up from the table, backing up a few shaky steps. She needed some space to get away from the sheer... aura the human was radiating. A shake of the head and she stammered out “A- Anon. You are scaring me.”

After a moment of evaluating her life choices, she narrowed her eyes suspiciously at him.

“Hold on a moment, why would you even ask for my consent to... Ugh... copulate with my sister? Should it not be Celestia you try to garner consent from?”

Anon seemed to have undergone a transformation before Luna could blink, he now sat at the dinning table with perfect posture, his chin turned up in the air like those posh ponies he constantly sees around the castle. He side eyed her, his voice taking on a extremely annoying cadence.

“Do not worry my friend! I shall ask later on. But for now, my esteemed gentlemare-“

“That is most certainly the wrong use of-“

Anon cut her off with his regular way of speaking. “Shut up dumbass, I’m sucking up to you right now. As I was saying—“ He resumed his pompous caricature. “—I shall ask that... *Hrng* BBB for her consent after I have gotten an answer from you, my lady. I would like to believe that you and I are close friends and because of that I ask for your blessing. I value you as a friend, and I would hate to lose such high standing with someone simply because they believed I would ‘hit it, then quit it’.”

“...”

“...I don’t like serious you.” She shivered. “Quick question... What does ‘BBB’ mean?”

“Oh, you mean Big Booty Bitch?”

“There it is.”

“Stop stalling Luna, do you give me the green light?”

She sighed. “Are you truly trying to... Date my sister? Or are you just...”

“Attempting to get some putang?”

“...”

“To answer your question; Yeah, I do wanna try my hand at dating your sister. She’s lovely.”

“...How long have you felt this way towards my sister?”

“Heh, the moment I saw how fat those thighs of her’s are.”

“Be serious Anon.”

“...”

He rubbed the back of his head

“...For a while now.” He actually blushed, which in and out of its self shocked Luna more than his admittance of infatuation.

Luba blinked. “Well...” she pondered for a moment. “...Truly, I can’t decide if you get my blessing. On one hoof I greatly fear the sheer... What did you call it once? ‘Autist power’? Yes. I fear the great amount of ‘Autist power’ that you will bring to this castle if Celestia, for some reason—Faust forbid—decides to marry you. But on the other hoof...”

She sighed. “...I suppose you have your—“ She gagged “—good moments. Sometimes. Very, very rarely.”

“Aw, well shucks. I try my best.”

“Okay. We both know that’s a bunch of horse feathers.”

Anon shrugged, which made Luna sigh once more.

“...Fine. You get my blessing. But only because I wish to be there when my sister bucks you against a wall.”

“Kinky.”

Luna tossed a plate of cookies at him.

“Y’know, all of a sudden I have the strongest urge to throw up.”

“Don’t tell me you’ve gotten cold hooves, Anon.”

“Of course not! It’s just...” He fiddled with his suit jacket. “...What if she doesn’t like me back?” He mumbled.

Luna eyebrows lifted as she gave him a smirk. “I never thought I’d see the day! Anonymous the ‘Mare Magnet’ is scared of asking somepony on a date?”

Anon flicked Luna’s horn with his finger. She winced, but her shit eating grin never left. “...Shut up Luna.”

“Ha!”

“Isn't this suppose to be the part where you give me advice on how to approach your sister?” He grumbled, staring at the throne room doors with apprehension.

Luna rolled her eyes. “Oh for- just be yourself! You dolt. Be lucky that she never gets visitors on Sundays.”

Anon let out a shaky sigh. “Be yourself.” He swallowed. “Yeah, okay. I think I can do that.” He straightened his back and puffed out his chest. “Y’know what? Yeah! I’m done waiting, let’s do this baby!”

He gave a few short hops while stationary, taking a couple of deep breaths to seemingly psych himself up.

After that, he began to speed walk down the hallway, giving a nod to the guards before shoving the throne room doors open and strolling in, the doors closing behind him.

“...Perhaps telling him to be himself was the wrong thing to say,” Luna shook her head with a chuckle and began following him. She only managed to take a few steps before quickly pausing. “Wait.”

“Today is Sunday, right?” She whispered.

She battled with that thought in her head for a moment, then her eyes widened slightly as a Pony exited the throne room.

Luna closed the gap between herself and the guards stationed at the entrance. “Gentlecolts. If you don’t mind, would you tell me what day it is?”

The guards glanced at each other before shrugging.

“It is Saturday, your highness.”

Luna’s eyes blasted open. “Oh no.” She muttered.

Saturday’s were usually when court was at its most populated.

“Oh NO!” She rushed past the guards, barreling past the throne room doors. She had to stop—

She froze, her eyes locking onto Anon who had his back to her, he was strolling pass the line of nobles awaiting an audience. He was ignoring the angry exclamations of those he was cutting in line.

He had already nearly made it to the front of the line.

He was going to proclaim his fancy for her sister In front of nearly every single noble in Canterlot.

“Fuck.”

Why wasn’t he stopping? Why hadn’t he turned around at the sight of the nearly packed throne room?

“Fuck fuck FUCK.” She whispered with a hiss before attempting to run as inconspicuously as possible, which didn’t seem to work as ponies began to mutter around her.

“Anon!” She staged whispered. He didn’t hear her, as the voices of everyone else drowned her out.

Anon had now reached the front.

“CELESTIA!”

Anon’s yell had nearly silenced the whole throne room, but to Luna, the worse part was that her sister was now only paying attention to him.

She stopped, she was too late. She could do nothing but watch.

Celestia cocked her head to the side, her smile crinkling with mirth at recognizing him. “Anonymous! Oh what a surprise, how goes you on this fine morning?”

“I got something to say to you, Princess!”

”Oh no.” Luna whispered.

The nobles began to murmur.

Celestia learned forward, listening to him with apt attention. “Well that is what I am here for. Go ahead, my little human.”

Anon pointed at Celestia.

“I wanna fuck you, princess Celestia!”

Silence.

Luna could die at the suspense as her sister’s pupils dilated, her smile dropping into an ‘O’ to showcase her shock.

...

“How dare you say something so vile to our princess?!” A random noble shouted.

The room seemed dive into chaos after that, ponies began shouting expletives at Anon or shared gasps with each other. Others just remained in shock.

Anon continued to point at Celestia, a determined look in his eyes.

Celestia continued to stare him. While maintaining eye contact, Anon brought up his other arm and transitioned both hands into finger guns.

He gave her a smile.

“Baby. I don’t wanna waste your time. I just wanna give you mine. Will you go on a date with me?”

He gave her a wink.

Luna covered her face with her hooves in sheer embarrassment, she couldn’t believe this. This moron asked her sister for a date after inviting her to the bedroom!

What was her sister going to do? Place him in prison? Kill him? Send him to the moon? Send him to the sun?

“Finally!” Celestia shouted in exasperation.

What?

“What?” Luna muttered.

”What?” The nobles muttered.

Anon even seemed a little incredulous, his arms dropping to his sides slowly.

Celestia stood up from her throne.

“Do you know how long I’ve waited to hear those words fall from your supple human lips? Do you know how many nights I have spent dreaming of this moment?!”

“You... Dream about me?” Anon muttered.

“She dreams about him?” Luna mumbled while staring at the floor, lost.

“Oh, you can be absolutely certain of that, stud~“ Celestia purred at Anon; who’s face went alight at her words. He was not expecting this at all.

“Uh... w- wha- I mean... thanks?”

The sun princess had since sauntered over towards Anon. Who stared up at her awkwardly. She let out a long steady exhale of air from her nose, allowing it to wash over Anon’s face. “Hmmm. How about we go somewhere private and you show me just how thankful you really are?~”

She grasped him with her magic and began to happily trot towards the throne room entrance.

Anon gave an awkward thumbs up towards a jaw slackened Luna.

“...So does this mean we’re dating?” Anon whispered to Celestia.

“Mhmm.”

And then they were gone.

Luna stared at the ajar entrance with a shell shocked look on her face. The nobles and guards sharing a similar look as well.

Luna could only shout at the top of her lungs in complete befuddlement.

“What the FUCK just happened?!”

Author's Note

Friend wanted me to write something absolutely balls to the walls for his own sick amusement.

I said no.

He offered me 20$

I now have 20$

Blame him for everything, It’s his fault, not mine.

Now don’t mind me, but I got some week old coffee to choke down. ☕️

(Let me know if the rating should be switched to mature.)