Pirate Heist
“Whose genius idea was this again?” Lix Spittle complained yet again as their ship rocked in tandem with the waves it rode.
Mullet sighed. “We all agreed this was the best plan we got, Lix. Can’t yah shut up for a minute and go back into the kitchen? You’re the dang chef and I’m feelin’ mighty hungry.”
“How can you be hungry in our current situation, Mullet?” Boyle asked while steering the ship, giving his friend and crewmate a dry look.
Mullet shrugged. “Ask my belly, Boyle. It has a mind of its own, I tells yah.”
“Squawwwk!”
“You said it, Squabble!” Mullet said, giving his wall-eyed friend a thumb up. “So, Lix, how about a sandwich or maybe a salad?”
“Go make it yourself, you weirdo! I ain’t entering the kitchen until the Captain brings us out… which I hope is soon because I am starting to feel bad for all the food I’ve eaten and prepared over the years, you lazy slabs,” the chubby parrot said.
Boyle focused on steering the ship, though it was mostly to avoid the small quickly melting islands floating around. He had no fear for the ship itself, it was sturdy and magically enchanted to withstand much worse with ease. “In a sense, this is relaxing.”
“Oh, yes, quite relaxing. Uhum. Tell me how!?” Lix Spittle countered as she stopped a foot down.
“We don’t have to worry about sea serpents, sky hydras, other corsairs, or anything, really,” Boyle answered.
“I believe the word you’re looking for is boring, my friend,” Mullet said before sitting on one of the nearby boxes. “So… you think the captain is doing okay?”
“For our sakes, I hope so. I really, really, reaaaaally hope she doesn’t get into any hurdle or muddy blotch on her way,” said Lix Spittle, crossing her arms.
“Squawwwwwk...”
Boyle said nothing as the uncomfortable silence set between them, though he could hardly blame them for it. I’ve always wanted to be closer to the Captain and be more than her Second-in-Command… but not this close, he thought as he began to look around only to find the same scene wherever his eyes landed.
Around the ship, nothing but a near-endless lake stretched in every direction. The water, greenish and bubbling, captured more of what there was to look at. There were no clouds but there was a fine mist resting just above the water’s surface, giving way to their passing vessel. But even with that near omnipresent scenery, the illusion was broken as soon as he squinted towards the horizon only to find a reddish wall extending up, up, and high. The walls bent the further they went up until they created a near-perfect dome were it not for a tiny opening that, from experience, knew could extend quite widely to fit the current size of their ship several hundreds of times over.
He sighed, remembering how their current situation came to be.
*********************************************
“CHEERS!” The four of them, plus Squabble, raised their mugs filled with fresh ale. They were laughing, celebrating, and generally having a good time after a job well done.
After the Storm’s King Fall and having received their brand new ship for their contribution towards his downfall, Captain Celaeno pondered on what they would do next. Twilight Sparkle wished they could stay and serve in the Royal Air Corps or even as Corsairs, but she and her crew were free birds and she was not about to bend the knee to another master, even if that master was now a trusted friend.
It had been rough in the beginning, but they quickly regained their honor and reputation as fearsome pirates and general mischievous pricks everywhere they went. Doing good sometimes, doing bad on others, but always a little bit of both as it were. It wasn’t until a week ago that Celaeno found a long lost treasure map. And, like all pirates, the urge for adventure (and a quick, easy pile of gold, gems and other goodies) couldn’t be ignored.
So, a shifty deal to enter Griffon territory here, a battle with another pirate ship there, and no short supply of frustration and rants over how shitty ancient griffon cartographers were later, they found their treasure. And what a treasure it was!
“We’ll live like kings for years!” Mullet cheered.
“I’s can open a restaurant if I want!” Lix Spittle yelled happily.
“SQUAAAAAAWK!” Squabble shouted, jumping up and down before hugging Celaeno’s midsection.
“Gems, more gold than I’ve ever seen, ancient scrolls, and magical artifacts! And it’s all thanks to the Captain!” Boyle congratulated.
“Alright, alright, settle down everyone, we have a few things to discuss,” said Celaeno while petting her dorky crewmate. “I have some good news and bad news. Which one do you want to hear first?”
“Bad!” They replied in unison.
“The bad news is that we won’t be able to exit the same way we entered. Not without surrendering a hefty amount of our precious booty in the process. So, as I think no one wants that to happen, we’ll need to be proper ‘law-abiding citizens’ for once and go through customs to avoid rustling some feathers,” she explained with a smirk on her beak.
Mullet raised a hand. “Yeah, I have a question, Captain. Griffons are nearly as greedy as your run-of-the-mill dragon. If they see our cargo, which they will if we go through customs, they’ll take everything that’s not nailed to the walls. And I bet they’ll take the nails, too!” He exclaimed loudly, earning the nods of his crewmates. “How exactly are we going to get our booty past their gold-pinching claws?”
“Ah, my dear Mullet, that’s where the good news comes into play,” she then pulled a scroll out from her chest fluff and put it on the table. “This was amongst the magical treasures of our booty. We’ll use it to slip right through their borders with them being none the wiser about the fortune we now carry.”
“Is it going to make us invisible or something?” Boyle asked.
“In a sense,” Celaeno continued. “This scroll contains a shrink spell that works for a few hours.”
“Are ya looney, Captain!? The gusts of wind are too strong for any ship smaller than a caravel to sail freely!” Lix Spittle pointed out. “We’ll never make it past the border. That’s without saying the wind might just be strong enough to break the ship apart!”
“That’s why we’re not going to try to fly past the border. All of you are going to stay inside the ship while I set off the scroll. After that, I’ll make sure to get us past customs,” Celaeno explained.
“This ship is magical and enchanted, Captain. Not to mention all our goodies. If the detectors pick us up, we’re done for,” Doyle brought up.
“Who said anything about putting you inside a pocket or carrying you around?” Celaeno smirked.
“...Then how are you planning to get us, the ship, and the treasure past the border customs, Captain?” Mullet asked as he scratched his head in confusion.
“Quite simple. I can’t carry you with me. But I can bring you along inside me.”
Silence fell across all of them at her suggestion.
“Squaaaawk!?”
**********************************************
“And so, here we are,” Boyle sighed heavily. “Though I’m surprised it doesn’t smell like anything. But maybe that’s only because it’s the Captain. Can you imagine being inside him, Lix?” He asked, pointing at Mullet.
“Smelled his burps on my face, I would’ve gone attacking the damn Griffon Armada instead of going in the graveyard he calls a stomach!” Lix Spittle replied, moving her forked tail back and forth.
“Screw you too, Lix. At least we’re coursing in a giant lake and not a boundless ocean!” Mullet replied as he pointed at her prodigious belly.
“Squa-Squa-Squaa-haaa-ha-haaaawwwwk!” Squabble laughed.
Boyle chuckled at the antics of his crewmates, but he was still worried. If anything went wrong with the plan, they’d be done for. Casting his sight to the front again, he could see the lake of stomach acid bubbling occasionally. On the horizon, the stomach walls of his Captain were covered in a thick layer of anti-solvent mucus. He’d got intimately close to it during their descent, as a matter of fact. He shuddered for a moment and decided that it was better to focus on steering the ship than thinking about anything else.
“You think the Captain reached the damn border by now?” Mullet asked.
“Probably,” Boyle replied. “Let’s hope nothing gets in her way and that everything sails smoothly.”
************************************************
Nothing was sailing as smoothly as she hoped. Of course, being a famous pirate meant being recognizable, but without a bounty on her head, there was no reason to just arrest her. That didn’t stop officers and other procurers of the, uggghh, law from interrogating her. And that meant precious lost time on her already tight time-limit.
“Name?”
“Celaeno. Captain Celaeno,” she replied to the very unenthusiastic griffon clerk sitting at the other side of the booth.
“Destination?”
“Wherever gets me out of Griffon territory the fastest,” she said at the same time she felt her impatience growing.
“Let me see…,” the clerk slowly, sloooowly checked through one of his schedule books before turning back to face her. “There is a ship almost ready to depart to Equestria. Do you want a ticket?”
“That would be precisely what I want, yes.”
“How many tickets?”
“How many tick-- Can’t you see I’m alone? Fine! You know what. Not worth it. One ticket, please. How much will that be?” Celaeno stopped herself before exploding into a rant, searching for her purse to pay the clerk.
“Twenty-five bits, please.”
“Twenty-five bits!? That’s worse than highway robbery!” She exclaimed, shocked at the price.
“Do you want your ticket or not?” The clerk asked with a slight smirk on his beak.
She narrowed her eyes and pulled the bits he asked for. “You’re lucky I’m in a hurry, you thief,” slamming the bits on the counter, the clerk greedily took them all, deposited only two on the sealed box and pocketed the rest for himself. “And my ticket?”
“Here you go, ma’am. Enjoy your trip,” the clerk ended with a chuckle.
Yanking the ticket away from his claws, she passed through customs and moved to the search-spot where two griffon officers were waiting. Knowing the drill, she took off her earring, purse, and hat. Placing them on the basket on a nearby table, she stepped on the white square in between the two guards and extended her arms. The two guards then began inspecting her, first manually and then using a magic detector on her and her things. There was a bleep and the two guards stiffened.
“Oh! Sorry, sorry! I always forget this thing,” she excused herself by lifting her right leg and unhooking her prosthetic. She presented it to the guards and they examined it with the detector. There was a bleep and they sighed in relief. “Again, sorry, darn thing is always glued to my leg I hardly remember it’s not my real leg.”
“You nearly got us to attack you, parrot. Be more careful next time,” one of the guards said while making a face. She shoved her things back to her and yelled. “Next!”
There won’t be a next time, you turkey oaf, Celaeno thought with no small amount of vindictiveness. At the same time, she didn’t let it show on her face and just kept on smiling pleasantly as she walked towards the waiting area. Taking a seat she waited for the announcement to board her ship to arrive. Looking down and rubbing her stomach gently, she whispered. “Just wait a little longer, guys. Just a little more and we’ll be out of here without them ever knowing what we took.”
Time passed slower than a snail’s pace for her, each minute feeling like a century before the announcer’s voice was finally heard.
“Attention to all passengers, due to unforeseen weather conditions, all flights shall be delayed by two hours. Don’t like it? You can fly off,” then it ended with a clang.
“...I am so raiding one of their shipping lanes next month, I swear to Harmony I will!” Celaeno muttered to herself, gritting her teeth and beak closely in anger.
With nothing else but two dull hours of waiting before her, she decided to have some shut-eye. She was about to tilt her hat when she saw a familiar figure walk before her alongside a group of other creatures complaining about the delay.
“I told you we should’ve left on the previous fly! Now we’re going to be stuck here for two extra hours,” a blue griffon complained, crossing his arms in frustration. “I still don’t know why we had to take this assignment. The Griffon Empire sucks and Griffonstone sucks even more.”
“Yona thinks Gallus is right. Griffonstone not the best place to be. Few griffons were nice to Yona and Yona’s friends,” she agreed, also crossing her arms.
“It was kinda fun?” Silverstream offered, to which all her friends looked at her with a raised eyebrow. “...Okay. No. It wasn’t fun. I had more fun catching seashells back in Seaquestria!”
“Skystar, is that you?” Celaeno asked, outloud. Almost instantly after the lithe hippogriff turned to face her she realized that, while somewhat similar, she was not her dear friend Skystar. “Oh, sorry. I confused you with--”
The group took a collective gasp of air, Silverstream more than the others, and they quickly surrounded her. Celaeno felt little for a moment as she looked into six colorful, almost sparkling faces. “Uhm, ehem. Can I help you, youngsters?”
“You’re Captain Celaeno!” The dragoness said. “You’re like, a total legend back at the school!”
Her uneasiness vanished and swelling pride took its place. Pushing out her fluff, she replied with a sassy smirk. “The one and only Captain Celaeno, fiercest Pirate Queen the world has ever known! And who might you all be?”
“Name’s Smolder,” the dragoness said with an air of smugness that Celaeno could relate with. “And these are my friends. Sandbar, Yona, Ocellus, Silverstream, and Grumpy.”
“Ueeghhh,” Gallus groaned. “My name is Gallus,” he clarified, extending a hand towards Celaeno. “And you’d be grumpy too if you were forced to come back to the place you hate the most for ‘educational purposes’. No offense, ma’am.”
“None taken, grumpy boy,” Celaeno replied before shaking hands with the six of them. “Now, what was that about me being a legend?”
“Oh, right! You see, Captain, ma’am, we’re students at the School of Friendship and every creature there knows of what you and your crew did during the Storm’s King invasion!” Ocellus replied a bit too eagerly.
“Skystar is my cousin! She told me aaaaaaall about your adventure, how you hid inside a cake, fought against the Storm King’s guards, and the victory party! Sucks I couldn’t go but I was sick,” Silverstream added.
“Skystar’s cousin, eh? She did mention something about you and a brother? Terramar, I believe?” She flinched when the hippogriff squeaked loudly and did a backflip mid-air. As she watched the six youngsters, she noticed their attire. The four girls were wearing a small shirt, a skirt (except for Smolder) and sport shorts leaving their legs and midriffs exposed. The two boys wore only a set of baggy sports pants. “Why are you dressed like that? I’m not judging, just curious since it’s a bit windy out here.”
“These are enchanted, so we’re quite warm, actually,” Sandbar offered.
Celaeno nodded and turned to Gallus. “I’m pleasantly surprised to find a griffon that finds the Griffon Empire as detestable and insufferable as I do, Gallus.”
“Che, right, ‘Empire’. The day griffons get their act together and actually start working for the sake of the nation I’ll eat my own damn tail. I didn’t want to come to this den of winged rats, but I was dragged by somedragon against my will. Take me with you, please? I promise I can be a good matey!” Gallus pleaded half-jokingly.
Celaeno let out a hearty laugh before replying. “Sorry, boy, but I ain’t taking new members! And surely not one as fresh as you are!” Patting his shoulder, she continued. “Say, what exactly brought all of you to this forsaken place?”
“School Trip. This was supposed to be an educational tour to see how other creatures see the world or act on friendship. Griffonstone wasn’t the best example of a friendly stay,” Ocellus replied sheepishly.
“And where are you heading next?” The pirate Captain asked.
“Back to Equestria. Griffonstone was our last stop before returning, but now our ship is delayed and we’re stuck in this forsaken place for two more hours. Just great,” Gallus complained.
“Yona remembers something! Parrot Captain owns a ship! Maybe she can help us reach home faster?” Yona asked, hopeful.
“Speaking of which, where’s your ship, Captain Celaeno?” Sandbar asked curiously while looking around for it.
“You think I’d be here if I had my ship with me? Fat chance. My ship is going through some repairs with the rest of my crew. I got stuck in this lovely place due to that,” she finished with a dry chuckle and crossing her arms. “So now, I’m waiting for my ship with nothing to do.”
“What a coincidence, we also don’t have anything to do!” Silverstream clapped her hands rapidly. “Heeeeey, since we don’t have anything to do, why don’t you tell us about your adventures, your fights, and the treasures you’ve found! I’m sure the life of a pirate is full of fun and wonders!” Her friends cheered in agreement.
Celaeno shrugged. “Not like I have anything better to do. Come, kiddos, let me tell you about before the Storm King came into the picture of my life!”
And so, Celaeno delighted her new six fans with tales of her adventures and life, making it very clear that while she is free and enjoys her life, it is very periful and it’s not all sunshine and rainbows, demonstrated with her tale about how the Storm King defeated her and having most of her old crew abandoning her outright or defecting to serve the Storm King directly. But she wasn’t the only one to talk, they also told her stories about her friends and how they were doing. She was fairly surprised to learn Tempest had gone on a self-imposed crusade to teach what she’d learned.
Thanks to the impromptu meeting. Both parties didn’t have to endure the dull hours waiting for their ship to leave. As the time approached for them to leave and the stories ceased, a new pondering emerged.
“Hey, anyone up for a bite?” Sandbar asked before stretching his limbs. “All this talking got me pretty darn hungry.”
“Yona hungry as a yak!” Yona chuckled.
“I wouldn’t mind having something to eat. We kinda skipped breakfast, too,” Ocellus pointed out.
“We’re at the border, so we may find something that’s actually edible,” Gallus sighed. “But take my word for it, if all we find are nuts or pies, we’re better off starving for a few hours.”
“Then that settles it! Let’s go find something to munch on! Ohhhh, I hope they have burgers or sandwiches!” Silverstream said, licking her beak in anticipation.
“Spike’s cooking has really spoiled us, huh?” Smolder admitted as she tried not to drool. “Little dude has some serious talent in the kitchen,” turning to Celaeno, she raised a hand and used a thumb to point in the other direction. “Mind joining us, Captain? I wouldn’t want Profesor Fluttershy or Professor Rarity to learn we didn’t invite their friend for a quick snack.”
Celaeno raised her hands defensively and her friendly expression dropped a little. “No thanks, I already ate before coming here.”
“Pleeeeease come with us, Captain Celaeno? Sky would never forgive me if I didn’t treat her friend to at least a drink!” Silverstream pressed, falling for her knees and begging with big puppy eyes.
Feeling a bit awkward, Celaeno replied. “Thanks, but no thanks. Really, go ahead and enjoy your meals, if you find any. I’m perfectly okay. I’m a pirate captain, after all.”
It was at that moment that her stomach decided to betray and let out a twisting growl.
“...Was that--”
“Constipation!” Celaeno interjected with a mild blush. “It’s a wicked one, don’t worry about it!”
“Professor Applejack says it's bad to lie to your friends. She also says that it's common decency to treat others to some of your plate if they don’t have any,” Ocellus chanted. “We know we’re not friends, Captain Celaeno, but we’re your fans and our professors are your friends! Please, let us treat you to something! It’s the least we can do after all your wonderful stories.”
“Plus your belly is growling louder than a manticore being woken up from its nap,” Smolder pointed at the parrot’s stomach using her tail.
Celaeno looked at the six pairs of expecting eyes and sighed, knowing she was defeated. “Alright, alright. Let’s make a deal, let’s search for something to eat, if we find it, then I’ll join you. If not, then, we’ll just have to wait.” That seemed to be a reasonable compromise as the six students stood up and began walking around the center.
Wow… I didn’t pay it attention before, but their security system is a joke. I could rob ‘em blind one night and they’d be none the wiser, she thought as she followed the group with Silverstream standing closer to her than anyone. Their search didn’t take long and they found a shanty locale that, to the delight of everyone but herself, sold actual food.
The smell of the food and the images on the menus hanging from the walls made her stomach growl even louder.
**********************************************
“There it goes again! What’s happening, Boyle!?” Mullet asked whilst trying to maintain his balance as he covered his ears in a vain attempt to silence the annoying noise.
“How should I know!?” Boyle replied. “LIX! You’re the chef here, what in the name of the eleven skies is happening!?”
“What do you think, you oaf!? The Captain’s hungry! That right there is her bellyaching!” Just then, the noise ended.
“You don’t think she’s going to eat while we’re still here, right!? Didn’t she say she would avoid eating anything until after we’re out!?” Mullet argued.
“We don’t know what’s happening out there. All we can do is trust the Captain,” Boyle took a deep breath. “I’m more worried about her, you guys. What if she’s detained right now or worse?” Shaking his head, he gripped the rudder tighter with his only hand. “Please be alright, Captain.”
“Squuuaaaaawwwwkkkkkk…,” Squabble muttered, worried.
**********************************************
“See? You’re hungry like the rest of us, Captain,” Ocellus said, and as if on queue, all of their bellies growled one after the other.
“Fine, fine. You win,” Celaeno finally gave up and entered the locale along with the students. Sitting around the largest table available, the seven of them waited for a waitress to approach.
“What will you be having?” The griffon chick asked in a surprisingly almost tolerable tone.
“I’ll be having two of the ham sandwiches, please! Extra ham and extra tomatoes, please,” Silverstream ordered.
“Same for me but extra everything,” Sandbar said.
“I’ll be having three hot dogs, please. The fatter the sausage, the better,” Smolder ordered, smirking all the way and flashing her deadly fangs.
“Yona wants ten hayburgers!”
“Sorry, hun, we don’t eat grass here,” the waitress said.
“Then Yona wants ten regular burgers, only buns, and meat!” Yona finished licking her lips.
“Two hamburgers for me. You got turkey?” The waitress nodded. “Turkey burgers, please. No onions or I’m not paying!” Gallus threatened but the waitress shrugged.
“I don’t suppose you have honeysuckle burgers or beetle sandwiches, right?” The waitress merely gave her a blank stare. “Right. Then…. Oh! I’ll have two salmon burgers and a chicken sandwich.”
Now that it was Celaeno’s turn, she felt conflicted. On one hand, she had to admit she was famished. A measly piece of bread and her shrinking ship with her crew on board didn’t exactly make for a filling meal. On the other, she didn’t want to put them at risk. Sighing, she muttered. “...stay strong, guys.” Looking at the waitress, she raised three fingers. “One hot dog, one ham sandwich, and one double burger with extra everything.”
Saying that caused all her newfound fans to smile at her. The waitress then left, but not without getting their drinks, too. The group devolved into idle chat while they waited, though they didn’t have to wait for long. Only ten minutes later, all of their meals were ready and were brought to their table.
Celaeno felt her mouth water at the sight and smell of the tasty-looking food.
“Time to dig in!” Smolder said, openly drooling as she hungrily took one of her hotdogs. She opened her mouth wide and took a good chunk out of it, proceeding to slurp and munch on it loudly. She let out a pleased, smoky snort before relaxing on her seat. “I fhifin’t schnouu haaaooo funbryy I vhazz,” she tried to speak with her mouth full.
“You’re lucky Professor Rarity isn't here to see talking like that,” Sandbar cleared his throat. “‘Darling! Why I’ve never seen such an uncouth action before in all my years! A lady must always be poise and delicate to show our proper manners’,” he imitated Rarity’s voice with little success, but his friends and Celaeno laughed regardless. Then, he took a giant bite out of one of his sandwiches.
Celaeno watched for a moment the six students take to their meals with uttermost gusto. They bit and munched and grounded their food with enviable delight. Fighting the urge to gulp, she reached for her sandwich and took a nice, fat bite out of it. She moaned, instantly letting her guard down as the surprising tastiness of her meal washed over her taste buds. Chewing it once, twice, and a dozen more times; each one extracting as much of that rich, greasy goodness of the meat and the freshness of the vegetables, it was understandable why, for a singular moment, she forgot what laid on her belly… and swallowed her half-mushed up food.
***********************************************
“Mullet, what does your only eye see?” Shouted Boyle to his friend standing watch on the crow’s nest.
“Nothing yet, Boyle. At least the growling stopped. But look over there, to your right. Is that normal?” Mullet asked as he pointed in the aforementioned direction.
Turning his head following Mullet’s stretched out arm, he saw the distant walls of his Captain’s stomach-- “Are her walls moving?”
“Ohhhh this is bad,” Lix Spittle deadpanned. “Look closer,” she said handing Boyle her portable telescope. Boyle took it but didn’t know what he was supposed to look at. “See the walls moving and the mucus flowing?”
“Yes, and?”
“Well, we are in deep shit, Doyle. The stomach is already starting a pre-digestive process,” Lix Spittle explained, defeatedly.
“Squuuaawwwkk!?” Squabble yelled, agitatedly.
“Of course she’s not going to eat us, yah dingus!” Lix Spittle laughed. “...As long as we stay on the, at least.”
“Wait wait wait, why is the Captain’s stomach trying to eat us?” Doyle asked, confused.
“Not… us. Rather, what’s coming,” Lix Spittle chuckled nervously.
“...By Harmony… Mullet! Get your tail down here, now!” Doyle ordered.
“What? Why!?” Mullet asked, leaning over the edge of the nest but at that moment, a slight growl was heard and all four sets of eyes, plus Mullet’s only eye, looked up to see the entrance of her stomach expand. Then, it was followed by a squelching, wet, messy sound getting louder and louder. “That can’t be good.”
The one-eyed parrot witnessed a giant mushed-up thing fall through the hole quickly followed by a red one, greenish others, and more brown things. Most of it was unrecognizable due to his current size, though he guessed that an ant would look like a Mount Aris right about now. But he could discern lettuce, onion, tomatoes, bread, and meat quite easily; all of it half-mowed down into a paste.
As if he was watching some apocalyptic scenario unfolding in front of him, he could only stare as the several island-sized pieces of food crashed into the green ocean they were traversing. The sound wasn’t like he imagined: catastrophic, with gusts of wind strong enough to pluck his feathers, and impossibly loud that would make him deaf. It was more like a giant boulder splashing into a lake, impressive but not destructive… were it not for the dozen-meter tall waves heading their way at prodigious speeds.
“T-That’s not fair…,” Mullet muttered in terror a moment before shaking his head. “BRACE FOR IMPACT!”
“Squabble, the sails!” Boyle ordered.
“SQUAAAAAAWK!”
“Are you insane, Boyle!? If the acid touches the sails, we and the treasure will sink!” Lix Spittle argued.
“The Captain said the spell would protect the ship and whatever it carried from harm, right? If those waves hit the stern, we’ll be flipped over! Our only chance is to ride them!” Boyle countered. Eyeing the speech-impaired parrot, he caught him undoing the safety-nets and the ship’s sails unfolded from their holding pens.
Mullet landed a moment later, the waves approaching devilishly quickly. “What happens if anyone goes overboard?”
“We join the Captain’s body fat, that’s what!” Lix Spittle replied, tossing a securing line to her crewmate. “Now hold on tight!”
“Shitshithshitshit! The treasure’s worth it! The treasure’s worth it!” Mullet cried over and over as he hastily strapped himself.
The four parrots had only a few seconds to spare before the towering waves of acidic juice hit them. Just as the ship was beginning to be lifted by the force of the acid, Boyle expertly forced the ship to turn a few degrees to the right and it began to move, carried over by the wave. Sailing on the seas wasn’t his forte, but he applied his experience with determination spurred onward by desperation. Though successful in his attempt to ride the wave and save the ship, their lives, and most importantly, the treasure, it was by no means a comfy endeavor.
The entire ship rocked violently, its frame groaning and squeaking as Boyle did his best to keep it on course and out of harm’s way.
“SSQQQUUAAAAAAAWWWWK!” Squabble screamed as a rain of acid began to fall over the ship. Every drop almost instantly fizzled out upon contact with the ship’s surface even as the panicked parrot ran in circles over the deck. He eventually slowed down and extended his arms in confusion as the drops of acid touched him… and did nothing. “Squaaawwwk! Squa-Squaaaawwwwkkk!” He said, jumping happily.
“No time for celebrating just yet, Squabble!” Boyle screamed out as he fought to maintain the ship under his control. They were about to reach the end of the gigantic wave when another came right behind it. Grunting, he turned to almost completely face it and the ship rushed towards it. The next few seconds of climbing up the second wave whilst feeling their speed diminish by the moment made them clenched their beaks and teeth. But it worked.
The ship jumped over the wave and, thanks to their sails being out, managed to stay airborne for long enough to evade the following smaller but equally deadly waves. It came down seconds later landing with a soft splash. Everyone let out a sigh of relief before looking at the newly created floating islands.
“Think there’s hidden booty in one of them?” Mullet asked, chuckling to himself.
*********************************************
Celaeno immediately regretted her decision as even she could feel the heavy hit her food made once it reached her stomach. But this thing is too damn tasty to stop now! She chastised herself before taking another bite. This time, she chewed on it normally but made sure to turn it all into a pasty mush. Then, she swallowed bit by bit. Going for her third mouthful, she saw her fans were stuffing their faces in a way she envied.
“What’s the matter, Captain Celaeno, the food isn't tasty?” Silverstream asked, concerned after swallowing her mouthful.
Celaeno shook her head, moving the sandwich in her mouth to one of her cheeks. “Not at all. I’m surprised how good this stuff is, actually. Could give Lix Spittle a run for her bits.”
“Then what’s the problem?” Sandbar asked. “We’re not making you feel uncomfortable, right?”
Seeing the blush on his cheeks, she smiled and allowed herself to relax a bit more. “Please, compared to my crew you have the manners of a noble,” then she pointed at Yona. “Except for her. She knows how to eat!”
“Yaks best at eating!” Yona replied with her mouth half-full of burgers. Munching with her cavernous maw open and slobbering loudly, she was unashamedly enjoying her meal.
“Then why are you eating so slowly, ma’am?” Gallus remarked.
Celaeno shrugged. “Force of habit. Without my crew, I don’t feel secure enough to stuff my face. Comes with the pirate lifestyle, kiddo.” Satisfied with the answer, they continued to eat and she finished the rest of her sandwich before tackling the hotdog.
**************************************************
“Incoming!” Lix Spittle announced a moment before the rumbling of the falling munched ball of bread, meat, veggies, and spit fell from the mouth of Celaeno’s stomach. Now that they were properly mashed, the thick pasty result splashed on the lake of acid almost harmlessly compared to the first few bites.
Boyle let out a few sighs of relief. Traversing the agitated waters of his Captain’s stomach hadn’t been an easy task. “I just hope the Captain isn’t eating as she usually does.”
“Yeah, how can she remain so thin? She eats twice as much as I do!” Lix Spittle joined in.
“Well, unlike some, she spends almost all of her free time on the bench or working out,” Mullet said, smirking. “But I’m with you, Boyle. This place may be big, but if she’s having plenty to eat, or eleven seas forbid, she’s at a buffet, we’re doomed.”
“I think she may be eating to fool someone or to blend in. We should be at the customs border station by now or maybe already on the ship heading out of gryphon territory,” Boyle commented, easily riding a couple of smaller waves. “All we have to do is endu--” he was cut short by a ball of slime nearly hitting the ship. It quacked and swayed violently for a few moments before another splashed on the acid further away. “What was that!? We’re too far away from the entrance, ain’t we!?”
“Calm down, you big pansy,” Lix Spittle huffed, but couldn’t hide her worry. “That ain’t no food, just stomach mucus. The Captain’s stomach is getting ready to start digesting the food, is all.”
“Uhhm, fellah’s?” Mullet muttered as he looked up and around. “Call me crazy, but I don’t remember being this close to the top.”
Looking up, his crewmates found that, as he had stated, they could now easily see the fleshy ceiling of their Captain’s stomach. They could also see small blobs of mucus raining over here and there, though mostly over where the food was. Watching closely, they could see the walls slowly leaking the oozing substance.
“Lix?” Mullet looked at her expecting an answer.
The short, chubby parrot keened and her throat rumbled. “It’s the food she’s eating,” she said pointing at the islands of mashed goods now freely and slowly floating around. “The more she eats, the higher we’ll go.”
“I am suddenly quite glad about being small enough to drown in one of those things,” Boyle commented with some sarcasm, pointing with his mechanical claw at a falling blob of mucus. “Hey, look at that. The ‘islands’ are getting smaller.”
True enough, while it was slow, the mounds of chewed up food was sinking slowly into the lake of acid. Or rather, it was being dissolved as the steam surging from the borders indicated as they sank.
Suddenly, a loud rumbling echoed all around them. It wasn’t as loud as her hunger-grumble, but it still made the lake of acid agitated for a few seconds. Then, another familiar growl was heard and they watched a large piece of what was unmistakably a hotdog, now soggy and colored differently due to a large influx of a flooding colorful liquid.
Apple juice.
They watched helplessly as the large piece of bread and meat fell upon an island of mush. The impact let out a pathetic wet, schloping sound that didn’t do justice to the near-cataclysmic event they witnessed. Fragments of the chewed, mucus and spit laced sandwich their Captain had previously eaten flew aimlessly across the air to bombard the surface of her stomach.
“Squaaaaawwwk!”
“If we get hit we’re done for!”
“Boyle!?”
“ON IT!”
************************************************
“Are you alright, Captain Celaeno?” Ocellus asked, looking at the parrot worryingly as she tried to suppress her coughs.
“That was a nasty fit there, ma’am. Did’ya forgot how to chew?” Gallus asked, unable to miss the chance to have a little fun at the mighty pirate’s expense.
Finishing her glass of juice, she harrumphed to clear her throat. “Don’t get cocky, kid. I wasn’t expecting the mustard to be so strong. It felt like it was burning my tongue,” she said while casually using a fork to clean away the mustard-stained toppings she’d put on it. “And thank you, Ocellus, was it? I thought I was going to choke for a moment there. Can you imagine that? The great Captain Celaeno laid low by a piece of half-eaten hotdog?” She finished with a chuckle before taking another bite.
Whilst the students laughed at her little joke, she caressed her belly with her left hand. Please, just hang in there, everyrrot.
**********************************************
Boyle did his best, but the fragments were too big and too numerous to completely avoid. In fact, he’d almost made it through the onslaught of the meateorite (as Lix called it) shower when it happened. Their ship was hit dead center by a second, smaller projectile coming behind one they had just evaded.
The four swashbuckling treasure hunters discovered two things almost at the same time. One, that the magic protecting their ship, their prize, and themselves was quite strong as it quickly fizzled out the offending pieces of vile, mucus, and the chewed up pieces of what had been a sandwich. And two, munched-up gunk made for poor quality cannonballs.
What had been the cause of a near panic attack quickly diminished and was replaced by confusion. It was during this confusion that a second and much larger piece hit them. Their ship was swayed a little, but aside from that, nothing else had happened; the darn meatball projectiles broke apart upon contact as easily as a poorly made rice ball.
Whatever relief that knowledge brought them was immediately eclipsed as more and more food started to fall. There was so much of it now that Boyle was starting to dodge the increasing number of small floating debris.
“At least I don’t have to worry about massive waves of acid anymore,” he said with a sigh.
“Yeah, and now I’m worried about that,” Mullet pointed at the ceiling. “It’s getting closer and this smell isn’t doing me any favors,” grabbing his growling stomach, he licked his beak whilst watching an evaporating piece of mostly intact turkey right on the deck. “Should’ve eaten something before agreeing with this crazy plan…”
“How can you be hungry at a time like this?” Boyle asked, somewhat grossed out. “Worry about the top all you want. I’m more worried about running out of space to navigate. If we get stranded, that’d complicate things.”
“This was a horrible plan from the start!” Lix Spittle exclaimed. “Look around you, she’s starting to digest everything and food is still falling! HEY, CAPTAIN, STOP STUFFING YOUR PRETTY FACE ALREADY!” She yelled, furiously stomping on the wooden floor.
“Squuuuaaaawwwwk!” Squabble squawked angrily, flailing his arms innocently against Lix Spittle.
“While I don’t appreciate that show of insubordination, I agree with you, Lix,” sniffing at the air, he had to fight against his stomach to prevent it from rumbling. “Great, she’s eating a hamburger now, my favorite.”
“At least it can't get any worse, right?” Lix Spittle chuckled.
“It may be tricky from here on out, but I think I can get us closer to the entrance,” raising his hand, he pointed at a fairly large and mostly intact piece of burger bun seemingly anchored to the stomach’s wall. “I think we can use it as a stabilizer for a time.”
“What if it pulls us down with it?” Mullet asked.
“We won’t be docking or setting an anchor… just be near it for protection. We’ll need to be close to the entrance when the Captain gives us the signal anyways,” Boyle took in a deep breath and set course. Random pieces of munched burger kept falling, its mass adding to the growing archipelago now formed on her stomach. Then… it came to a sudden stop. The pirates let out a sigh of relief and continued their travel. Arriving at their destination was easy enough and as Boyle promised, he kept them a good distance away from it but closer to the wall to ensure some protection against anything else that could happen.
Time had no sense for them, it could’ve been hours or maybe seconds, but a growl and a sudden bubbling of the lake put them on edge.
“Me and my big beak!”
************************************************
“Yona not impressed. Yona can do better! Yaks best eaters!” Yona stated, but her friends were more concerned with watching the Captain put half a burger inside her maw.
“That’s so crazy!” Sandbar exclaimed. “Doesn’t it hurt, Captain Celaeno?”
Taking the burger out, she closed her mouth and gave the stallion a cocky smirk. “A true pirate has many tricks, matey. In some cases, the most seemingly useless talents may be of aid. For example, dislocating your jaw at will and being able to swallow big objects!” She proudly bragged, though internally she wanted to hang herself for being so careless.
A small talk about what tricks pirates could use to fool or surprise others had turned into a demonstration of quickie talents amongst the six of them. Have to give him credit, though. For a pony, Sandbar can twist around his body better than anyone I’ve seen, she thought as she prepared to open her mouth again. Of course, their little show spiraled to ask her about her talent. So, without her sword, she only had one way out.
Or should it be way in? She thought a moment before her mandible joints popped and her mouth opened enough to fit the burger whole. Smolder was quick to pass her a jar filled with juice and she pressed it against her beak. She closed her eyes, relaxed her muscles, and began to swallow aided in no small part by the juice. Just think about the treasure, Cel, just think about the treasure!
**********************************************
“LAUNCH THE HOOKS! ALL OF THEM!” Boyle ordered.
“Just what in the eleven seas is the Captain thinking!?” Mullet asked, weakly pointing upwards at the continent-sized monstrosity emerging from the pit of his Captain’s stomach.
Squabble and Lix Spittle ran back and forth the deck, launching the port broadside and the main boarding hook against the walls. They pierced it easily enough; their size too insignificant to cause any real injury.
“Do you think that’s going to cut it?” Lix Spittle asked in a hurry to Boyle.
“I hope sure it does! The rest should cushion it, but I’m not taking any chances. Everyone, below deck!” A tremor caught their attention and they saw the burger make it through the tight space followed by a torrent of juice.
No one waited a moment later and ran below deck. Mullet was the last to enter, just in time to see a wave at least three times the size of the first they’d encountered, rising to nearly touch the top. The four of them huddled together and waited for the impact, hoping with all their might that the ship could withstand what was coming and that the magic could protect them all.
*************************************************
“That was awesome!” Gallus cheered and high-fived Smolder. Silverstream had stars in her eyes, Sandbar’s jaw was hanging open, and Ocellus was checking if she could replicate that trick. Yona was the only one left unamused, easily fitting her last whole burger into her mouth and swallowing without aid.
“Yaks are best, but Yona thinks Pirate Parrot does good second place,” she complimented with a shrug.
Just then, the announcer popped up. “Attention, languid passengers. The weather has returned to normal. So unless you want to stay here, board your darn ships and get off my feathers.”
“That sounded almost friendly,” Silverstream commented, tossing a few dozen bits on the counter. “My treat!”
Getting back to their hooves and claws, the seven of them made their way towards their ship. After a laborious and boring boarding procedure, they were loaded and ready to leave the Griffon Empire behind for a long, long time.
*********************************************
A few hours later, Celaeno stood on the lonely stern of the ship, staring at the vastness before her with a smirk on her beak. She could feel the magic in her belly working, signaling it was time to let her crew out now that they were well and truly far enough away to get scot-free.
“Captain Celaeno?”
A familiar voice made her glance back to see Silverstream and her friends coming to a halt. “Hey there, kids.”
“What are you doing out here all alone?” The hippogriff asked, fidgeting. “We weren’t being too pushy on you, right?”
“What, you? Nah, kid. I had an awesome time with you, lads and gals. Thanks for the meal, by the way. Really enjoyed it,” she said before turning her attention back to the open sky; it was nearly dusk. “But here is where I say farewell to you all.”
The six friends exchanged confused looks.
“Yona didn’t know that parrot Captain could fly?” She inquired.
Giggling, Celaeno felt her stomach bubbling. “Hey, kids, do me a favor and don’t tell anyone about what you’re about to see, okay?” Before they could ask what she was talking about, she took a huge breath of air, bent over, and then let it rip.
“BBBUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPP!!!”
Putting aside the loudest burp they had ever heard, the six of them could only watch dumbfounded as a fist-sized ship came flying out of her mouth. Then it began to grow and expand more and more and more until the ship was nearly as big as the one they were on board now.
They could see four other parrots manning the ship, Celaeno’s crew, and one waved at them. “Sqqquuuaaaawwwwk!” He said and they waved back out of instinct. Then, Celaeno leaped to her ship, doing a fancy frontflip in the process, and landed perfectly. The vision-impaired parrot hugged instantly and she turned to face them.
She smiled, waved, took off her hat, and gave them a bow. “Before any of you ask, a good pirate also always keeps a few secrets under her sleeve!” With a final wink, the ship expanded its sails...
...and flew away into the unknown.
Leaving behind a stunned, smiling, and very confused group of friends wondering if what they had just seen was real or not.
The End.
Author's Note
Special thanks to anyone that read this!
