Well, Heck

For a little while, the 3 ponies discuss our main character's situation as they sip their tea. No new information is revealed for most of the conversation until a very important question comes up.

"What's your name?" Twilight Sparkle asks.

"You're not a cop, are you?" he replies.

"No. What?"

"Alright, then. I'm Yakury," he relents. "But if you do end up being a cop, I'll be seriously mad."

"Where are you from? I've never heard a name like that before," Pinkie Pie interjects.

"I'm from the desert-y region to the south of the Terian empire. How far away is this place? This can't be the Overworld, can it? I didn't even go through a portal, all I did was touch a rock and suddenly I'm a horse in Horseland or whatever this is," Yakury explains longwindedly. "Can I go back to Hell, please?"

"Terian empire? Hell?" Twilight parrots in confusion. "I've never even heard of those places." She furrows her brow and levitates her teacup up to take a sip while she thinks.

"I was being sarcastic before when I said this place wasn't in Hell. Now you're telling me it really isn't." He says, deadpanning. While he was talking, Twilight stood up and trotted out of the room with the dragon, Spike, scrambling to keep up with her. The dark pony grimaces as he is impolitely abandoned. "Y'all horses rude as f-"

Pinkie Pie cuts him off when she gasps loudly and hops to her hooves, her gaze directed at his ass. "You have a balloon cutie mark! You must like parties too, then. Look, look!"

She turns and points at her side where, just above her thigh, a design is imprinted on her fur. It depicts 3 balloons arranged in a triangular shape, with the 2 at the bottom being blue and the one at the top being yellow. Yakury examines the symbol curiously before the pink pony bounces to his side and points her hoof at his butt. He looks down and sees that he has a similar design on the same spot as Pinkie Pie. His flank has what looks to be a single blue balloon with a smiley face on it. He turns to look at his other side and finds it has the same symbol. After staring for a moment, he looks back to the pink horse, perplexed.

"The hell are these?" He utters simply.

"Our cutie marks!"

"Our... cutie marks?" He asks, his voice conveying exactly how those two words made him feel. They made him feel dead inside. He squints at her and his grimace widens. "The things you say. They hurt."

"You have a lot of memory loss, geez! A cutie mark represents a pony's special natural talent. Mine is of balloons because I love throwing parties. Yours is of a balloon as well, so you must like parties too. We can set up the coolest Welcome to Ponyville party for you ever!"

"I don't like parties, though," Yakury says, making Pinkie's smile turn to disappointment. "Last time I went to a party, some guy threw a frozen beer at my head so hard I passed out and by the time I woke up, people already drew dicks all over my face with sharpie. Everyone was like 'ooooh, you have so much brain damage already, I'm surprised you can still walk after that last blow'. Like, shut the fuck up. Hey... wait." He pauses his tangent and his expression shifts from disgust to suspicion. He leans to look at his cutie mark and stares for about 30 seconds before sitting upright again and allowing his grimace to return. "Airhead. It means airhead. GODDAMMIT." He facepalms-- or uh... facehoofs?-- with both hooves and lets out a long, drawn-out groan followed by a defeated sigh.

"Your special talent is being an airhead?" Pinkie tilts her head in curiosity.

"This is a nightmare," he eventually says after finishing his sigh.

"Awe, cheer up, pal. I'm sure that's not what it means." She lays her hoof on his shoulder to comfort him. "Twilight's probably off in the library trying to find out about those places you were talking about; maybe she can find a book saying what your cutie mark means too."

He lifts his head like he's about to say something, but instead, he looks up to the ceiling and exaggeratedly cries out. He then spreads his front legs as much as horse tendons would allow and rolls backward off the futon he was seated on, lying spread out on the crystalline floor.

"Cremate me and dump my ashes in a garbage can," he murmurs, his voice growing weaker.

"I think you'd like my friend Rarity. She's super dramatic too."

Yakury is about to retort, but Twilight teleports back into the room with a stack of books in her magical grasp. She proudly stands by a coffee table in the middle of the room and sets the books down before spreading them out so all the covers are visible. Yakury climbs to his hooves to get a look at them. They are in a language he could not even begin to comprehend and he waits for her to explain.

The explanation is one of the most painful moments in Yakury's life. An intelligent four-legged animal trying to relate knowledge of the very fabric of the universe to him is all too familiar. His eyes are blank, the same as his mind. The purple horse went on about planes of existence and ponies researching way in the past and... he really, honestly did not care. Pinkie Pie was sitting quietly out of politeness but he could see her pent-up energy was making her fidget.

This is it, he thought, I am going to die of old age before this horse finishes her spiel.

Just as he is about to give up hope, he notices Twilight's horn lighting up as she moves the books around and flips through pages. Inquisitively, he reaches a hoof up to his own horn and winces when he accidentally pats the bruised top of his head. He furrows his brow for several minutes, deep in thought while the purple alicorn continues her lecture. Suddenly, he puts the information together and snaps back to the present to interrupt Twilight.

"I can do magic like that too, right?" He says, catching the other pony off-guard.

"Wh- huh? Yeah. But anyway, as I was saying..."

Yakury is quick to tune her words out again. He squints and looks down at the table where the books are set out. He focuses hard. He forces his whole brain, as smooth and pearl-like as it is, to concentrate on one of the books. The telltale sparkling noise of magic enters the air as his horn lights up with a dark blue glow. The book begins to glow as well, levitating slightly off the table. His face lights up with excitement and he smirks. In his confidence and lack of skill, he must have lost control over the magic and the book shakes in the air for a moment before erupting into flames. All three ponies jump back and gasp, followed by Yakury exclaiming "Pinkie did it!" In his panic, he ceases his magical hold on the book and allows it to drop onto the table again, quickly lighting the other books aflame as well. The purple alicorn manages to stomp out the fire, but not before all the pages are reduced to ash.

She looms over the pile of ashes sadly, looking down at them like she was looking at a tragedy, a travesty, an atrocity. Several moments of silent mourning pass before Twilight lifts her head to fix her gaze on the other alicorn. She is visibly angry as she speaks. "You realize those books might've been your only chance at going home, right? Those books are rare! It'll take me weeks to find more copies if I can find any at all!"

As she shouts, Yakury's ears flatten against his head and he grins nervously. He's quite a bit taller than her, but now he is cowering, crouching down to be lower than her. Once Twilight finishes her rant, Yakury makes a sudden realization and raises his head a little.

"Wait... you mean... I'm stuck in Horseland...? Forever?" The words leave his mouth cautiously like he fears simply uttering them is what makes them true.

"You very well could be!" Twilight huffs.

"Welp," he says in a defeated voice, "guess it's time to kill myself."

He stands upright again and begins heading for the door when Twilight seizes him with her magic and poofs him back to where he was standing. "I said could, not will." She sounds more disappointed than mad now. "Tomorrow, I'll start searching for other copies of those books. While I'm gone, I'll have my friends keep an eye on you to make sure you don't go setting any more fires or killing yourself or whatever."

"I call Not It!" Pinkie Pie interjects. "I'm all for spontaneity, but this guy's gonna end up accidentally poisoning all the batter or something at Sugarcube Corner."

"Fair enough," Yakury says with a shrug. "I'm guessing your other friends are also horses."

"Yep."