Twilight Cleans Up this Anon-A-Mess

by Horizon Spark

Rating: teen
Tags: Sunset Shimmer, Twilight Sparkle, Main 7 (EqG), Profanity, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Random, Equestria Girls
Length: 2131

Twilight decides to personally fix the Anon-A-Miss scandal in her own irate way. It involves a lot of cursing.

After hearing from Sunset about the Anon-A-Miss scandal at Canterlot High, Twilight decides to set things straight. Right after she gives her friends an earful on how stupid they are.

A parody of everyone's favorite Equestria Girls comic story, because it seems to be the only one we like.

Published 2020-12-22 19:40:00 UTC
Last updated 2020-12-22 19:40:00 UTC

Oh joy, another Anon-A-Miss story.

“Alright Twilight, everything’s all set,” Spike announced, looking at all the decorations he finished setting up, “our Hearth’s Warming party is all ready to go. We just have to wait for our friends to come in.”

Twilight Sparkle smiled as she came flying in the room. “Thanks Spike, I’m looking forward to this party! But you know, the one pony I wish was here to see all this is Sunset. I mean she’s done so much to redeem herself lately, I'm sure it’d be nice to have her first Hearth’s Warming celebration in so long.”

“Well, don’t worry about it Twi, I’m sure Sunset and her friends are celebrating their version of Hearth’s Warming. They gotta be, ya know?”

“That’s right Spike! I believe they call it ‘Christmas’, and I hope she’s having a good time there. In fact,” Twilight used her magic to bring up the messaging book. “I’m sure she’s going to send me a message in her book about how much fun she is having at her Christmas party.” At that moment, Twilight’s book started to vibrate. “Speak of the rather convenient devil.”

Spike took a moment to think about something concerning. “I don’t know Twilight. Usually something bad happens around the holidays knowing our luck, and considering how hated Sunset used to be, I wouldn’t be surprised if some problems happened there. Specifically problems that could fit in an entire comic issue.”

Twilight rolled her eyes. “Oh come on Spike, there’s no need to be such a downer. Here, why don’t we go ahead and read what Sunset has to say? I’m sure it’ll be quite the experience!” Twilight flipped the pages straight to what she was looking for, and as quickly as she found it, her smile turned into a furious frown. “Those Monster High-looking motherfuckers…”

Sunset opened the door to Sugarcube Corner and she was immediately met with the ire of her former friends. Rainbow Dash immediately shot up and pointed at the girl. “Get lost Sunset!”

“Yeah, we don’t wanna talk to a meanie-pants secret stealer like you!” Pinkie Pie chimed in before blowing a raspberry.

“Please girls, if you’ll just listen, I can help explain things and maybe save you from the rage you’re about to receive.”

“Oh please,” Rarity shot back, “at this point, there’s nothing you can say which can prove you are innocent. Besides it’s not like you can save us from this so-called ‘rage’.”

Sunset sighed. “Well, I guess you girls are getting divine intervention for Christmas this year.”

Before anyone could react, Sunset stepped aside and held the door open. In an instance, Sugarcube Corner’s interior heated up exponentially, as if the streets itself were on fire. Instead of flames however, the girls were treated to the sight of Princess Twilight Sparkle, whose furious demeanor was something they’ll never forget. “YOU. GIRLS. ARE. IDIOTS!”

“...and a Merry Christmas to you too Princess,” Rarity huffed.

Twilight ignored the comment and continued, “Are you girls pranking me? Are you girls taking the piss out of everything I’ve done at this point. Is angrily cyberlynching my friend like this some kind of dumb human ritual of yours?!”

Applejack started to talk, “What are you on about Princess?”

“Don’t you ‘Princess’ me, cowgirl. I didn’t bust my flank to redeem Sunset only to see you girls muck everything up with this whole ‘Anon-A-Miss’ nonsense. Nuh uh, I’m fixing this right now!”

Sunset brought up her jacket and tried to hide herself from embarrassment. “Just for the record, I tried to stop her. So her furious power walk over here is your fault.”

Meanwhile, the five girls looked at each other in confusion. Rarity was first to speak up. “Whatever do you mean by ‘fixing this’ Twilight? It is obvious that Sunset is still the same evil wench from before.”

Rainbow was next to speak. “Rarity’s right Twi! She totally embarrassed us and the entire school with that Anon-A-Miss crap. There’s no way that ain’t true.”

Twilight pinched the bridge of her nose and sighed. “Okay, let me calmly try to explain to you girls how fucking wrong you are. Let me start by asking this: Why would Sunset, after getting blasted by a rainbow, saving your asses from sex-crazed fish demons, and learning about the power of friendship, immediately go back throw all of that out the window and cyberbully the entire school?”

Rarity brought up her finger. “Well that all makes sense because you see…um...”

Applejack tried to intervene. “Well, you know...because she wanted to…do the thing where she...”

“That doesn't make any logical sense does it?” Pinkie finally asked.

“NO! Of course it doesn't, but apparently while I was gone, the common sense in your brains left you and followed me!” Twilight immediately exclaimed. “Nothing in that whole plan makes sense; nobody wins in that scenario! In fact, how about we make this easier to understand. Fluttershy, open up that MyStable thing and give me your phone.”

“O-okay,” Fluttershy brought out her phone and unlocked it without any hesitation. After getting the app ready she gave the phone to Twilight. “What are you going to show us?”

Twilight looked at the profile. After a few seconds she shook her head. “Rainbow, you mind guessing who might be the one in this silhouette?”

Rainbow raised an eyebrow as she looked closer at the phone. “I don’t know, it kinda looks like-”

“-Sunset, doesn't it?” the Princess interrupted, “And it’s all yellow and red right? If this really was all Sunset’s doing, she sure made it way too obvious to say it’s her. Almost as if Sunset did all this to deliberately paint a target on herself!”

“Yeah, I knew you’d understand Twi! Sunset totally did it because...” Rainbow felt like she was doing the hardest algebra equation in her head, then immediately gave up. “Yeah, that sounds bullshit.”

“YES!” Twilight angrily answered. “So to end this dumb little trial case, Sunset IS NOT Anon-A-Miss. After spending a whole movie feeling sorry and saving you girls, you should know that she’d never betrayed you five, and if she did, SHE WOULDN’T BE A DUMBASS ABOUT IT!”

The high schoolers stood silent. As the gears in their head started to turn, each started to get the realization that Sunset was truly innocent, and that they did not think this through at all. Meanwhile, Fluttershy was wondering out loud, “Should we be yelling profanities in public like this?”

“Uh...yeah,” Sunset finally said, deciding to break the silence, “I’m not cyberbullying anyone. Kinda pissed off that you thought I did, but whatever. I forgive you girls and we’re still friends, but I expect apology cupcakes delivered to my apartment later.”

Applejack finally decided to speak. “Well, that’s all well and good, but we still need to figure out who's Anon-A-Miss. If it ain’t Sunset, then that just means everyone else is a suspect.”

Pinkie gave it a thought. “But there’s no way we’ll be able to know that. All we know is that after Applebloom called Applejack ‘Piggly Wiggly’ everyone started to know about it, then after we kicked out Sweetie Belle from the costume party everyone knew about the embarrassing costumes we all wore. How are we supposed to tell who-dunnit off of that?”

Suddenly, the entrance bell rang again. The seven girls looked to see that Applebloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo, came in looking dejected and guilty. Before they could say anything, Twilight immediately said, “Yeah, it’s them...”

“WHAT?!” Everyone loudly exclaimed in confusion.

Twilight continued, “These girls were just about to bring up their phones and admit to what they did. Weren’t you?”

The three stood silent before Scootaloo finally spoke, “Yeah...it was us. We’re Anon-A-Miss.”

Rainbow was the quickest to react. “Scootaloo, what the fuck!?”

“Seriously,” Fluttershy thought aloud, “we’re in an established business. How are we not kicked out for disturbing the peace yet?”

Applebloom stuttered, “B-but...how did ya know it was us? We tried so hard to-”

“-You three didn’t try at all!” Twilight shouted, a vein practically bulging upon her forehead. “First of all, from what Pinkie Pie told me, you were the one who called Applejack ‘Piggly Wiggly’, so unless my friends are secretly sadomasochists, that’s the first red flag against you. The second red flag was Sweetie Belle, because if one of you gets involved, the other ones tend to follow. That’s just how your character works.”

The three stood sheepishly as the truth was laid down on them.

Scootaloo piped up. “We’re really sorry-”

“-Shut up, you’re only guilty by association!” Twilight shot back, stopping the girl in her tracks. “I just want to know one thing,” Twilight began, changing her tone, “why would you three go out your way to ruin Sunset’s life like this? I know she used to be evil, but that can’t be the only reason why’d you do something so elaborate.”

“Well...we just want to be able to hang with our family again. Sunset’s been spending so much time with them, we hardly get time for ourselves.”

After hearing their reasoning, Twilight turned around, walked towards the end of the room and aggressively rubbed the temple of her head. After a long moment, she returned to the three younger girls. “Alright. Ignoring the fact that you’re downright being possessive of their lives, Sunset’s only been friends with them for not even a year. If anything, you three have spent more time with your sisters longer than anyone else.”

“Huh...I guess that makes sense,” Applebloom thought aloud.

“Wait, Rainbow Dash isn’t my sister.”

“And you're only relevant for three pages. More importantly for Celestia’s sake, if Sunset or anyone does something you don’t agree with, talk to your sisters and STOP STARTING LYNCH MOBS!” Twilight, wanting to keep whatever was left of her sanity, took a deep breath. “With that said, I have a Hearth’s Warming party to attend. Please fix this, and don’t make me come back here for something like this again. Twilight out!”

After that, Twilight left Sugarcube Corner, leaving all the girls behind to think about what they’ve done, and how they can try not to royally fuck up again and incur the wrath of an irate Alicorn...and avoid making an embarrassing scene in public.

Sunset followed Twilight back to the portal and gave her one last hug before she left. “Well Twilight, despite how unexpected and rowdy your visit was, I really appreciate you clearing my name and setting things right. I couldn't have done it without you.”

Twilight gave a deep sigh. “Don’t mention it Sunset. I’m sorry to barge in to fix your problem like this, but all's well that ends well, you know? I wasn’t going to stand around while my friends were in danger.”

“I’m just happy you came to help me before things got worse. If you didn’t step in, I probably would’ve done something drastic, like leave the city and never return, commit suicide, or go on a revenge-fueled rampage where I destroy this school and never look back. Whichever is more interesting to do.”

Twilight, looking like she just saw a bad Twitter take, angrily gestured her arms towards her friend. “Why in Celestia’s green earth would you ever do any of that!?”

Sunset shrugged. “I've been feeling rather melodramatic these days, and as a teenager being written by bronies who think depressing endings and bad things happening to me is original storytelling, I'm open to any ideas at this point.”

“Uh…?”

“Also, I was thinking of seeing if the Dazzlings would do anything about this. Feeding off of negative energy is kind of their thing.”

“Thank Celestia social media isn’t a thing in Equestria.”

Author's Note

That comic blows.

Don’t get me wrong, the comic is fine and all, but the plot feels like it was solely made curb stomp Sunset.
That mention of the wendigos goes nowhere, Scootaloo is literally shoehorned in, and this panel alone bothers me. I get that it would be believable for the girls to harbor some negativity towards Sunset and that she would be suspect #1, but considering that this takes place after Rainbow Rocks, I feel like they should be more hesitant on the accusations.

I won’t say that this is the worst MLP comic story ever, but there are so many more interesting storylines that I never see get talked about or get fanfictions based on them. Of course, I don't mean any disrespect towards the people who enjoy the Anon-A-Miss, or those who write about it. This was meant to be a jab at the whole story, and a kinda-sorta Holiday special.

I hope you all enjoy the story, don't forget to tell me you're thoughts, and Happy Holidays!