Dude, Where's My Princess?

by hamster wizard

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Gallus, Narcotics, Mystery, Spike, Comedy, Random
Length: 2978

Gallus lost the Princess on his first day as Captain. That's rough.

It's a new year! Big changes are coming for Gallus; he just became Captain of the Royal Guard, and has a lot of new responsibility! Now where's that Princess he's supposed to guard?

This was written for semillon as a part of Jinglemas 2020! For more information about Jinglemas, checkout our group!

Cover art is self explanatory.

Published 2020-12-22 05:30:00 UTC
Last updated 2020-12-22 05:30:00 UTC

Good Question

Scene 1

The site of a great tragedy, littered with the bodies of fallen soldiers.

It was about 11 AM.

Well, closer to noon, but who’s keeping track.

An assortment of royal guard ponies lay on the ground, some groaning in agony, some tossing and turning. One made to stand, but stumbled and fell back to the ground with a thud. Their armor was tarnished and stained, splotched with liquid and grime. Eventually, a single blue head managed to poke above the carnage, and glance about, bleary eyed. Gallus held a claw to his head and shakily stood up.

That was a heck of a party.

As light began to creep in through the window to the tightly packed barracks that had held to festivities, more and more ponies managed to rise up, brushing plastic cups to the side and crawling helplessly in search of water. Gallus gave himself a good stretch and let out a yawn.

Plat

He glanced down. A slice of pizza had fallen from under his wing, where it had been safely tucked away. He looked left. Right. Nopony’s paying attention. He kicked it under a nearby bunk and walked off.

Barely stumbling his way out of the room, he passed by a few other barracks in various states of disarray. There were ponies groggily waking up everywhere. He managed to spot three clowns, a stripper dressed as Rainbow Dash, a guard on top of a bookcase, and a stray cat sleeping in a pizza box before finally reaching the kitchen. Peeking in, he could see one guard had fallen asleep with his head in the open refrigerator. Gallus helpfully sat him at the table, slapped him a few times to make sure he was still alive, and went to go get a glass of water.

Now sitting at the table, with his unconscious comrade, Gallus managed down about half the glass before realizing he had poured himself a glass of vinegar. He half opened his beak and let it spill back out, and helpfully dumped the rest on the floor. He leaned back in his chair and groaned in disgust, “Hnghngh.” It sounded about like that.

A thud came from the doorway, and Gallus turned to see a familiar purple dragon laying on his back just outside the door, an annoyed gaze fixed on the ceiling.

“Ow.” He halfheartedly said as he brought a claw to his head, rubbing a fresh bruise, “Blech. How’d I… Uh… Door.” Spike uttered with his usual brand of intellectual oration. It seemed he had hit his head on the top of the door frame.

Gallus slid out of his chair, and helped Spike to his feet, where he stood easily twice as tall as the griffin, “Dude, it’s like… You’re tall now, yeah? Big Spike’s got…. Vert-burp verticality.” He rubbed one of his eyes and blinked several times rapidly, “Yeah, I just drank a glass of vinegar.”

Spike staggered over to the sink and took a long drink straight from the tap. He sat with his back to the counter, and wiped his mouth, “For real? That’s nasty.”

Gallus cracked his neck, and then made his way over to the sink, filling up a fresh glass of water, which he downed greedily. Finally feeling a bit better, he plopped down next to Spike, and the two sat on the kitchen floor, watching through the window as sunlight twinkled through the frosty glass.

“That was some party.” Gallus sighed.

“Yeah, I mean, yeah. It’s a new year now.” Spike replied.

“That’s crazy.”

“I know.”

“Like, yesterday it was last year.”

“True.”

“Now it’s this year.”

“Wild stuff.”

The two of them sat in silence for a bit. They could hear another guard throw up from the next room.

“Thanks for coming by the way.” Gallus said.

Spike finally got to his feet and did a wide stretch, “No problem dude, it’s not every day we get to celebrate New Years and you getting a promotion.”

Gallus chucked, “Heh, yeah.” His gaze drifted down to his uniform, where a new bar shone, signifying that he had finally made captain. “I can’t even believe it, you know?”

“If anyone deserves it, it’s you.”

“Thanks, that- chack!” Gallus spat on the floor, “Ew, hairball. Sorry. That means a lot. Thanks.”

“You know it.”

Scene 2

The great throne room, in the castle of a regal monarch

Gallus was feeling pretty good as he strutted through the double doors into the throne room of Canterlot castle. Guards stood at attention, lining the causeway and throwing a salute to their newly entitled captain. He made his way to the throne and gave a deep bow for it’s occupant.

“Good morning, Gallus.”

Gallus nodded in response, “Good morning Trixie.” He blinked a few times, then rubbed an eye with his claw, making sure he was seeing correctly.

Yes. That is definitely Trixie sitting on the throne of Equestria today.

Gallus cleared his throat, “Trixie?”

“Princess Trixie.” Trixie said proudly, as she sat upon her regal perch.

“Where is Twilight?” Gallus said nervously.

Trixie idly inspected a hoof as she spoke, “Trixie doesn’t know or care. She’s holding court in an hour, and needs to prepare. Makeup!” She clapped once, and two mares rushed to her side. With a flurry of motions they quickly dolled up her smug face, and dashed off. Trixie held a mirror to her face, “Ah, much better.” She glanced at Galllus, who still stood at the base of the throne with a perturbed grimace on his face, “Why are you still here? Go make Trixie a sandwich. That’s an order! Chop chop!” She sat back in her seat and whistled, promoting a staff member to bring her a silver platter of hay fries.

Gallus was fuming, “I don’t know what sick joke this is, but when Twilight gets back she’s not gonna be happy to see-”

“Twilight already knows.” Trixie cut Gallus off, “Last night, she specifically requested Trixie fill in for her today. Trixie is acting princess. If you need proof, just take a look.” Trixie reached into her cloak, and pulled out a neatly tied scroll, which she floated open before Gallus’ face. He took a good look at the sloppy writing:

trixie is in charge today

get me some coffee

-twilight the princess

ps and some toast

Gallus was about to object, but suddenly a memory from last night pushed it’s way to the surface.

Gallus and Spike stood among a group of inebriated guards around a table, whereupon stood the princess of Equestria. Twilight Sparkle was completely sloshed, and slurred her words as she shouted out, “My buddy Gallus, is like, really cool!” She raised a bottle of beer in toast, and the entire room cheered. She attempted to take a swig, but missed her mouth entirely, and then stumbled backward off the table. She popped back up with a goofy grin, and the entire room applauded.

Gallus held a claw to his head as the memory came back, and he began to worry.

“Now, how about that sandwich?” Trixie commanded.

Scene 3

The site of a clandestine meeting, where insurgents plot to overthrow their ruler

Gallus was making a sandwich.

Him and Spike had met in the castle kitchens, where he grumpily piled assorted veggies between some slices of bread, while the two conversed.

“Any news on the princess?” Gallus asked.

“Well, Trixie hasn’t declared war on anyone yet, so I’m hopeful that she won’t let the power go to her head.” Spike replied.

Gallus frowned, “I meant Twilight.”

“Oh! No, haven’t seen her. The staff’s been searching the castle all morning, and no one’s seen hide nor hair of her since last night. I’ve been trying to get some info out of the guards, see if any of them remember Twi leaving the party, but no luck. The consensus seems to be that she slipped out sometime after midnight, but that’s it.”

“Hm, that fits. I remember she was there when the stripper jumped out of that cake, but I don’t remember seeing her after that.”

“Right, remember she said: Rainbow Dash! I love what you’ve done with you face!” Spike shivered a bit, “Thinking back, it was kind of uncomfortable. Remember how she started licking frosting off of-”

Gallus clamped Spike’s mouth shut, “No. Doesn’t ring a bell.” He went back to making his sandwich, “So, where does that leave us?”

Spike shrugged, “Realistically? We just gotta wait until she shows up. Could take a while, but Equestria won’t blow up if Trixie’s in charge for a day.”

The two of them stood in silence and took in that notion.

Gallus piped up, “Maybe we should look for her.”

“Yes. Definetly.” Spike replied, “But where to start? The trail’s gone cold.” He idly flipped through a recipe catalog on the counter top as he spoke. He froze for a moment, and then hastily flipped further and further through the binder.

Gallus looked to him in concern, “You okay there?”

“She was here.” Spike spoke seriously.

Gallus rushed over, “How do you know?”

Spike slid the book over to him, “Take a look, the entire recipe binder has been alphabetized. I know for a fact it wasn’t last week. I came down here to look up a souffle recipe.”

“So? Anyone could’ve done that.”

Spike held up a claw, “Yes, but look at this.” He flipped ahead and stopped on quiche, “The page for quesadilla is missing.”

Gallus grabbed the binder and pulled it in for a better look, “Okay, but how do we know she did this last night? All the chefs get off long before midnight. Even if she was here last night we’d never know.”

Spike rushed over to the spice cabinet and cast it open. He scanned the jars and then stood back, “All alphabetized. She was here last night all right. The castle chefs would never put these all back like this every night, I’d bet my life on it. She was here.”

“Okay, so she was here. But that doesn’t tell us anything about where she went afterwards. She could be anywhere.”

“Think about it. Why come to the kitchen?” Spike asked.

Gallus seemed confused, “She was hungry probably?”

“But there was plenty of food at the party, so why come here?”

“I don’t know! She was really drunk, we need to use drunk princess logic!” Gallus pounded his head slightly, “Okay, I’m princess Twilight. I’m very drunk. I just ate an entire pizza and licked a whole bunch of frosting off of… Something. What I want now is….”

“Books?”

Gallus gave Spike an unamused stare, and took a bite of the sandwich he was making, “Books?”

Spike smiled, “It’s usually a safe bet with Twilight.”

Gallus sighed, “Okay, I’m drunk Twilight. I want a book. Why did I come to the kitchen?”

“Cookbooks?”

Gallus snapped his fingers, “Yes! I find a cookbook. I read it. It’s not in order, so I fix that. I hate quesadillas, so I toss that recipe. Then I want to organize more, so I do the spice cabinet. What do I want next?”

“Well, knowing Twilight, probably to keep organizing things. If I’m drunk Twilight, and I’m looking for something out of order, what’s the first thing I think of?”

The two of them brightened up, as they both had the same thought.

Scene 4

A place of disorder and chaos, where the physical manifestation of disorder resides

Fluttershy’s cottage hadn’t changed much over the years.

There were more animals, and vegetation, and tour groups coming by on occasion. But aside from that not much had changed. The buttery yellow pegasus lead our heroes through the front door, into her living room with her usual geniality.

“I’m just so glad somepony stopped by. Discord’s been out of sorts all morning.” She softly spoke as the group made their way over to the living room, where a mismatched serpentine creature sat on the sofa.

Discord certainly didn’t seem his usual self. He was wrapped in a warm blanked, with a thousand yard stare on his face as he gazed out into nothingness. A mug of steaming tea sat untouched on the table before him, wafting off into the breeze.

“Any idea what happened?” Gallus asked with concern.

“Not entirely no. The poor thing. He showed up early this morning all shaken up. I sat him down and he hasn’t done much since. He just occasionally mumbles order, or impossible.”

Spike stood before Discord and waved a hand in front of his face, attempting to prompt a response. He got none, and turned back to the two, “Fluttershy, I don’t suppose you saw Twilight last night as all?”

When Spike spoke Twilight’s name, Discord gave a visible shiver from the couch. He whispered, in a barely audible tone, “Chaos bends to her will.”

Fluttershy gave Discord a small pat on the head, “What’s this about? Spike? Gallus?”

Gallus stepped toward her slightly, “I might have an idea. Fluttershy, could you show us to Discord’s home?”

She nodded.

Scene 5

A plane of pure chaos, wild and untamed

Spike and Gallus arrived at Discord’s home, a fairly normal, modest house floating in a swirling expanse of chaos. Floating islands and various random oddities coasted through space as the pair approached his front stoop. They could immediately tell something was wrong because the welcome mat actually said Welcome, and didn’t move even a little as they wiped their feet.

They stepped into the living room and took in the sight of a perfectly normal home. Nothing was screaming, moving, or reconstituting itself. It was completely unnatural. Spike picked up a newspaper on the table. All the letters were in the right order. Gallus heard a rustling coming from upstairs and headed there, following an entirely linear route.

Upstairs, he spotted an open door, and walked over. What he saw didn’t surprise him very much. Princess Twilight Sparkle, the majestic monarch of Equestria was laying on the floor of Discord’s bathroom. Judging by the scene, it appeared she had cleaned up the bathroom, eaten a bar of soap and then fallen asleep.

Gallus attempted to shake her awake to no avail. He then made his way downstairs to retrieve Spike, and the two headed back to the bathroom. Spike shook his head at the scene, “Twilight, you know you can’t handle your booze. This always happens to you. I mean, not this specifically but I mean, you know.” He fished out a thermos and unscrewed the cap, waving it under Twilight’s nose. She slowly cracked open an eye.

“Coffee?” She blearily said, right before gripping the thermos and chugging it with abandon. She sat up and wiped off her mouth, a content grin on her face, “Ah, thanks Spike.”

“Don’t mention it.” He said with a smile.

Twilight sighed, and glanced around at her surroundings, “Uh, I’m a bit scared to ask, but this isn’t the castle, is it?”

Gallus stepped up and shot Twilight a salute, “Princess! As captain of your royal guard, I’ve come to retrieve you. Equestria is in grave danger, and your leadership is required.”

Twilight smiled at him, “Come on Gallus, there’s nopony here. Now what’s going on exactly?”

Gallus relaxed a bit, “Sorry. Long story short, you got really drunk and put Trixie in charge of the country.”

Twilight frowned at this news, “Oh. Did she start any wars?”

“Last I checked, no.” Gallus replied.

“Good. We should get going then.” She lit her horn for a teleport, but then stopped, “Where are we right now?”

“Discord’s home, Fluttershy let us in. I can show you the way out.” Spike told her.

“Really?” She looked around, “It seems so… Normal.”

He rubbed his head sheepishly, “Yeah, you probably owe him an apology, but we can do that later. Let’s roll.”

Scene 6

A return to the throne room, for the reckoning of the tyrant queen

“A little to the left.”

A pair of guard shimmied slightly to the side, sliding over a life-size marble statue of Trixie. She was posed heroically, poised to strike, wielding a giant sword and wearing a large extravagant crown.

This was in contrast to real-life Trixie, who was lounging sideways in her throne, wearing an over sized bathrobe and eating shredded cheese straight from the bag.

“That’s perfect. You can go now.” Trixie mumbled between bites, and the guards took their leave, Now there was nopony in the throne room but Trixie and the 58 royal guards who remain stationed there at all times. She idly scratched her butt, and took another mouthful of cheese.

With a purple flash, Twilight, Spike and Gallus appeared in the center of the throne room. Trixie choked slightly, spitting shredded cheese on the carpet.

Gallus stepped ahead, “Trixie! As you can see, the princess has returned! Your reign has come to an end!”

Trixie wiped some spit off her chin, and swallowed, “Kay.” She hopped off the throne and made her way past the group. She stopped at the door and turned around, “Trixie is keeping this bathrobe. It’s splendiferous.” She trotted out the door, leaving a disappointed Gallus in her wake.

Spike patted him on the back, “First time deposing a monarch? Don’t worry, they’re not all winners.”

Twilight quickly took up her position on the throne and spoke formally, “Captain Gallus, in case I haven’t had the chance, I would like to formally congratulate you on your promotion. I look forward to many years ahead of working at your side.”

Gallus snapped to attention, “Your highness, I would gladly say the same!”

She looked to Spike, “And Spike, did I miss anything after I left last night?”

Spike grinned, “Now that you ask, there was this thing with the clowns...”