The First Rule of Sandy Paws
By Wanderer D
"Hey AJ, so… uh, what's going on?" Spike asked.
Applejack almost jumped before glancing guiltily at the small dragon who stood at the entrance to the barn. She had been so involved in her preparations that she hadn't been paying attention to her surroundings, going over the list of items she needed to complete this mission.
"Um. H-hello, Spike, what brings you over to Sweet Apple Acres?"
"Well, you know, with Twilight being busy at the school sending all students home, and I came to look—" He coughed into his hand."—I had some free time…" He flexed his wings awkwardly.
"Rainbow Dash ain't here."
"Oh. Right. Dash!" Spike stared at her awkwardly for a moment. "Well, it's not like she's the only friend here, right?"
Applejack smiled, "Ah guess not," she said motioning with her head to for him to come in and sit down next to her.
He took her invitation and trotted past her to jump onto a haystack, sitting down and looking with interest at the array of instruments on the floor she was carefully stocking into her saddlebags. "So, what's with all the equipment?"
Applejack sighed and glanced at him, feeling a bit of embarrassment crawling up her spine. "Well, y'see… you do know about Sandy Paws, right?"
"The legendary creature that you send your tax returns to during Hearth's Warming and supposedly will drop bits and tax-evasion pamphlets into your celebratory Hearth's Warming Chest if you bury it under the fire on Hearth's Warming Night?"
"That'd be th' one."
"That's an oddly specific thing to bring up, considering it's not a pony thing." Spike hesitated. "Is it?"
"It's not, some folk say it's a Griffon legend, them being greedy little—" she cleared her throat "them being perceived as greedy, but y'all seen how many new creatures have moved to Ponyville recently, right?"
"I see working with Twilight and other creatures outside of your comfort zone has helped to make you less—"
"Well," Applejack interrupted, "Cheerilee also has new students and one of them brought it up, so Applebloom immediately came home talkin' about it and then Granny Smith asked me to tell her it was made up."
Spike's eyes went wide. "And what happened?"
"Ah couldn't tell her."
"Why not?"
"Ah… Ah don't rightly know," Applejack confessed. "Ah thought it was made up… but, as soon as Ah opened my mouth to say them words, Ah couldn't."
Spike crossed his arms and gave her an amused look. "Couldn't deal with those orange puppy eyes looking at you, could you?" He chuckled. "I'm not surprised. I can't either."
Applejack's glance was less amused. "Ah don't like the way you phrased that while talkin' about my little sister."
"So, the rope and stuff!" Spike said quickly, "What does that have to do with Sandy Paws?"
Having finished packing, Applejack glanced over at Spike. "Well," she said, "considerin' Ah wasn't able to deny the existence of Sandy Paws, Ah figure Ah might as well go find out."
Spike raised an eyebrow. "You know it's just a legend, right?"
"Like Tirek, Discord, Changelings, Kirin, Hippogryphs, and University?"
"Nopony ever doubted University existed."
"Granny Smith still don't believe in it."
Spike opened his mouth and raised a claw to complain, but after a moment closed his mouth and lowered the claw. "Okay, so nopony in their right mi—"
"Anyway," Applejack interrupted him once again, "Ah figure that if Ah can't deny it, bein' the Element of Honesty and all that… reckon there's a chance that Sandy Paws does exist."
"So… you're going to go find him?" Spike asked eagerly, jumping down from the haystack with a wide grin on his face. "That's awesome! I'm going with you!"
"Ah don't know, Spike… what would Twilight say?"
"She'd say—" Spike took a moment to style his ridges to a passable imitation of Twilight's haircut, and raised his voice to do an also pretty accurate imitation of Twilight's tone, if not voice, "—'Spike, I think that is an amazing idea that will create a deeper bond with your dear friend Applejack, so that if you had any ulterior motives, she'd be more amiable towards your intentions.'"
Applejack rubbed the back of her head. "Ah guess… wait, what ulterior motives?"
"Nothing! Just wouldn't want Apple Bloom to feel left out for Hearth's Warming," Spike said, grinning nervously. He made a fist and swung it encouragingly. "Nothing like tax evasion to really bring in the holiday values home, amirite?"
"Right!" Applejack immediately agreed.
"So where do we start?" Spike asked. "We only have a couple of weeks before Hearth's Warming."
"Ah figure we ask them turkeys where to find 'im."
"Griffons?"
"That's what Ah said."
Seven Days Later...
"Never heard of the bastard."
Applejack narrowed her eyes, glaring right back at Grampa Gruff, who didn't blink his single eye. "Y'all know Ah can tell when you're lyin', right?"
"So I've heard."
Applejack waited for a moment to see if the old bird got the hint. When he didn't budge she continued, "What that means is that Ah know you're lyin'. Right. Now."
"First rule of Sandy Paws: Never get caught in the lie."
"But you did! Ah mean, you were, by me. Right now!" Applejack countered.
"Magical nonsense. Cannot be proven in court!"
"Magic had nothin' to do with it! Ah'm a strong, independent mare, and Ah need no Mumbo Jumbo! Ah just know you ain't tellin' the truth!"
"First rule of Sandy Paws: None of that modern magical 'Due Taxes' manure talk."
"Ah never even heard of that!" Applejack snapped. "Why are you changing the topic? And didn't you already say there was another 'first' rule?"
Grampa Gruff shrugged. "Now you have. You gonna argue about it?"
"Tartarus if Ah don't! Y'all can't just go accussin' a gal o—"
"See! Not even being able to follow the first rule! How do you expect to find Sandy Paws like that?"
"But you brought it up! And it can't be the first if you told it to me after another!"
"First rule of Sandy Paws: If you can't do the math, don't bother!"
"That's the third rule!"
"And you can't seem to let it go!"
"Where's my shotgun…"
"You left it behind," Spike reminded her, approaching her and Grampa Gruff, who snorted at the sight of the scones in his arms and flew off. "Remember? Couldn't get Sarah Jane through customs even if she had a made-up passport."
"It was a license."
"Anyway," Spike said, shrugging away the clarification, "I spoke to Gilda and she told me that Sandy Paws is not actually a griffon tradition at all! She thinks she heard it first from the Minotaurs, where some of their allies introduced the custom to them, and they thought it was a great idea to have someone do their taxes for them and take all the liability so—"
"Ah guess we're off to Minotaurlandia."
Spike stared at her for a moment. "Where?"
"Minotaurlandia, y'know—" she waved her hoof vaguely "—the capital of the Minotaur Lands."
"Did you just turn the Ancient City of Minos into a theme park?"
"Ah did not!"
"Okay then."
"Yonder!"
Three Days Later…
"According to Titanium Wall here that specific tradition is considered 'weak' and therefore only worthy of ponies to follow. The legend seems to come from somewhere else."
"That's right," a booming voice reached them, drawing their attention to a minotaur in a suit. "First rule of Sandy Paws: Can't get the abatement if you can't handle the adjustment!"
"Weak, is it?" Applejack asked, looking at the smirking minotaur up and down. "Alright Spike, hold my cider."
Twenty Minutes Later…
"And never return to our country!" the guard grumbled, throwing the pair out from the border wall and barely missing a pair of passing donkeys.
"Ah wouldn't want to if Ah got an invitation!" Applejack shouted back, "Y'all need to learn to keep dayum quiet if y'all don't want to have to eat your hooves!"
"You're lucky it's almost Hearth's Warming or you'd be paying for that bull's hospital bill!"
"They hay is that got to do anything with it?"
"First rule of Sandy Paws: Random acts of violence committed on one's person are tax deductible!"
"Come on, AJ," Spike sighed, helping her up. They walked in silence for some time before finally sitting down on a convenient rock next to the dirt road. "So we've been at this for a while now, right?"
Applejack nodded.
"And every day you seem to be more and more desperate to find Sandy Paws."
Applejack nodded again.
Spike sighed. "Want to tell me why you're so desperate? It's not really about Apple Bloom, is it?"
Applejack shook her head and said nothing, but Spike knew her well enough to know that she was just centering her thoughts, so he didn't pressure her.
Eventually, as anticipated, Applejack sighed, sinking down into herself. "Ah just need to make sure the farm's taxes get done properly. For years Ah've been the one doin' them, y'know? But Ah'm too honest! In a bad way!"
"Come on, AJ, it can't be that bad."
"But it is!" Applejack reached into the saddlebags and pulled out a stack of papers. "Every year Ah submit my taxes and every year Ah get less returns. Ah'm an honest mare, Ah can't handle searchin' for loopholes!"
"Well, you know what they say," Spike said, opening his own backpack and rummaging through. "First rule of Sandy Paws: Never wait for later when you can have it today."
Applejack was about to ask what the hay he meant when she was presented with a wrapped present. "Uh, Spike?"
"Look, I was hoping we'd find Sandy Paws soon, but I figure you could use this now."
Hesitantly, Applejack ripped the wrapping off, revealing a book. "Sandy Paws, An Autobiography of First Rules," she read aloud, turning the book around to stare at the picture of an elderly looking Diamond Dog. "Spike… Ah… but where?"
"In Minos, while you were showing Titanium Wall how to make cider."
Applejack frowned. "Ah didn't teach him how to make cider."
"And Cadance doesn't really 'wrestle' with Shining Armor, but we get the idea anyway, right?"
"Oh, you mean when Ah was jumping up and down on his spine?"
"Eeyup." Spike grinned. "And that's not the best part! I checked with the bookseller and they said his cave is not that far from here!"
"Ah don't know what to say. Thank you."
"Of course, AJ! You're basically family!"
A Day and a Half Later…
Here Lies Sandy Paws.
"The First Rule of Taxes: The Statute of Limitations Lasts Seven Years."
"Huh." Spike almost squawked when Applejack picked him up, turned him around so he was facing her taxes and pulled on his tail, forcing a long, green burst of flame to envelop the stack of papers before dropping him to the ground.
"Alright. Ah'm done. Let's head home."
Hearth's Warming Eve, Castle of Friendship
"Aww yeah!" Rainbow Dash shouted, holding up the barrel of Sweet Apple Acres Cider. "Now this is how I like my apples!"
"Happy Hearth's Warming, Dashie," Applejack said with a faint smile. Around them the party was in full swing, with the guests laughing and exchanging gifts. She smiled and waved at Spike, who waved back before patting Twilight's shoulder and pointing her in Applejack's direction.
Twilight nodded and the pair approached her, the princess already pulling a small, wrapped box. "And here's your present, Applejack," she said, giving Spike a conspiratorial wink.
"Thank you, Twilight," Applejack said, reaching over to give her friend a quick hug. She then opened the box, finding a scroll inside. Curious, and shooting Twilight an arched eyebrow-look, she undid the seal and opened it, reading it quickly as her eyes slowly widened. "B-but this?! How?"
"Well, do you remember how you used me to set your paperwork on fire?" Spike asked. "Well… I have magical fire that sends messages to whoever I want, and I thought… who better to help you out than a friend?"
"And not just any friend," Twilight said with a small amount of pride, "but one that graduated from Sandy Paw's class in Economics with top grades!"
Applejack slowly lowered the admittedly high-tax-return document and stared at Spike. "You knew?"
"N-no!" Spike said, shaking his head. "He went by an alias at that time! He called himself—"
"Plausible Denial." Twilight shrugged. "He taught us a lot. Imagine my surprise when I found out he had become some sort of legend among the nations as the go-to dog for Taxes? Anyway, I was confused at first, but Spike explained why he had sent me the taxes, so I figured I'd apply my knowledge to try and help you."
"Right."
"Anyway, Spike told me how much you accomplished together, and I can say I'm impressed." She kindly lay a hoof on Applejack's shoulder. "Even though I helped you, the lengths that you went on to achieve this, and with Spike at your side, is really inspiring Applejack. I honestly didn't expect it."
Applejack tilted her head. "Why not?"
"Well, you know, since Spike and Apple Bloom are dating, I figured you'd have something else to talk about, but I'm very proud of you for simply accepting them and working together for a better future for your farm." Twilight stretched. "Anyway, I should go back to check on the others. Happy Hearth's Warming!"
As soon as she was out of sight, Applejack turned to glare at Spike. "So we're basically family now, is it?"
"AJ, I can explain!"
"The hay I'm letting you date my littl' sister!" Applejack hissed. "You'd have to tame Tirek first!"
Spike winced. "Is it really that bad?"
Applejack was about to retort, but rather than that, she clenched her jaw shut and took a deep breath. "N-no. It ain't. Ah just wish you'd told me you two were an item." She reached out and gave him a hug. "Thanks for having Twilight take a look."
"No problem." Spike gave her a hug back. "Happy Hearth's Warming, Applejack."
The End
Two Weeks Later…
The flames rose high into the night air as the Sweet Apple Acres barn burned, casting an eerie, orange glow into the night sky that obscured a few stars and created a sharp contrast with the cold white-blue of the moon.
"Now, I'm not going to say: 'I told you so'," Tirek said, placing a comforting hand on Applejack's shoulder, his voice ponderous, "but if you think about this carefully, you have to admit this was inevitable."
Spike didn't say anything, simply smashing the crystal sphere against the evil centaur's leg. In an instant, Tirek was once again a statue.
The silence was only broken by the crackling of flames, and it intensified steadily until it became uncomfortable enough for Spike to open his mouth to say something.
"Don't." Applejack raised her hoof and shook her head without even glancing at him, as if she had somehow sensed that he was about to speak.
Spike looked from the blaze to her and back to the blaze before turning his head again to speak.
"Save it, Spike."
Spike sighed and turned to look towards Ponyville, where he could see several pegasi guards lifting up into the air in their direction, presumably to pick up the once-again, statue-efied centaur.
Applejack didn't say anything to him when the guards arrived, led by Twilight, not when they were finished tying harnesses to Tirek's body. She didn't even speak when one guard accidentally broke Tirek's finger, then hid it under his wing.
She had no words for Twilight either as she came to pick Spike up.
