The Yule Log-jam
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Piece of Cake

The Yule Log-jam

Pinkie watched from the kitchen window with wonder as snow began to fall. The fat, fluffy flakes looked good enough to hug – if she could only prevent them from melting before she did so. A nearby timer blared, and with a sigh she turned back to the task at hoof.

Picking up a pot holder in her mouth, she opened the oven and produced a tray. Upon the tray were rows of dazzling fire rubies, each expertly hoof cut to resemble flames. They crackled and sizzled from the seasoning Pinkie had doused them in – the hottest ground pepper known to ponykind.

She set the tray on a rack to cool beside a bowl of similarly seasoned gemstones, along with some jagged sticks of rock candy. Heat and candy didn’t mix, of course, so she had to wait until the last batch of gems were cooled before she could assemble her masterpiece.

Just as she was pondering over what she should do to pass the time, three loud knocks rang out. Somepony was at the front door. Strange – the “closed” sign was still there, right? The Cakes had closed Sugarcube Corner early to go shopping for presents, leaving Pinkie in charge of the place while they were gone.

Pinkie happily bounced to the front door and swung it open. She was greeted by a gust of frigid wind and the sight of a towering figure. The imposing figure was so encased in scarves of different colors and textures that it looked like a mummy – one that had gotten by Rarity’s sense of fashion.

As she squinted up at the scarf mummy’s eyes, Pinkie’s face split at last into a cheery, welcoming grin.

“Hiya Dragon Lord Ember!” she chirped with a wave.

“P-Please – let me in.” Ember’s muffled voice was less of a command and more of a desperate plea. Her fabric-swathed outer layer shook with every word.

Pinkie stood to the side and beckoned with a foreleg. Ember shuffled inside as fast as her entangled legs could carry her, and it wasn’t until after Pinkie had shut the door that the dragon wriggled out of her makeshift overcoat.

“It is f-freezing out there,” Ember said, hugging her arms and shuddering. Her fangs chattered audibly. “How do you p-ponies survive this weather?”

“We have hair,” Pinkie said brightly, not missing a beat. With a bounce, she crossed to the fireplace and tossed three logs onto the crackling hearth. The flames leapt up, and a blast of warm air made Ember sigh with relief.

“Thank you,” Ember said gratefully, rubbing her claws together before the blaze.

“No problemo,” Pinkie said, starting to organize Ember’s discarded winter gear. “Why were you wearing so many scarves anyway?”

“Well, I asked Twilight what ponies usually wore in winter, because it was so cold. And she said scarves,” Ember explained. “So, when one didn’t feel like enough, I just… put more on.”

Pinkie nodded, as she stacked the rolled up scarves into a pyramid, like cans in a supermarket. “Makes sense. So, what brings you here, your lordshipfulness?”

The scales of Ember’s cheeks flushed and she scratched the back of her head, averting her eyes. “You remember the big, Hearth’s Warming potluck that Twilight’s putting together in Canterlot?”

At this, Pinkie nodded enthusiastically.

“And we each got another species’ dish to try and make, to help us unite or whatever?” Ember continued.

Pinkie nodded faster. “I was just preparing the Towering Inferno of Gems and Candy now – it’s gonna be super spicy with just a teensy bit of sweetness.” She held her front hooves close together. “I figured if I can fix gems for Spike’s birthday, I could make a real gemstone dinner for dragons.”

“Uh huh. And you know how we dragons got… pony food?” Ember grinned sheepishly.

“Oh,” Pinkie sounded out. “Need to borrow a cup of sugar? A teaspoon of molasses? A pinch of salt?”

“Actually… I was wondering if…” Ember’s voice dropped low. “If you could maybe help me fix something.”

Pinkie tilted her head, and cocked an ear in Ember’s direction. “Whatcha say?”

“I said, could you maybe help me fix something?”

Still, her voice was too quiet. Pinkie shook her head. “I still can’t hear you. What did you say?”
Ember growled, exhaling jets of smoke from her nostrils. “I SAID, COULD YOU MAYBE HELP ME FIX SOMETHING?”

The booming voice that had quelled dragons older than mountains into submission bellowed forth like a hurricane. Pinkie found herself being bowled into the pyramid of scarves from the power – striking into the pyramid of scarves which collapsed atop her like bowling pins after a strike.

She poked her head back out of the scarf pile, a few still wrapped around her face. “Oh, why didn’t you just say so?” She flashed a cheerful grin and shook her head hard to dislodge the scarves. “I’d be happy to!”

With a wiggle and a bounce, Pinkie was free from the mountain of fabric. “Follow me,” she sang to Ember as she trotted into the kitchen.

Reluctantly, Ember followed suit, a sigh escaping from her lips as she went.

Ember looked over the baked gemstones with an approving hum, leaning in to take a few sniffs. “Thanks for helping me, Pinkie Pie,” she said, glancing back at her. “I wouldn’t normally ask for help with something so trivial but—”

“But dragons mainly eat gemstones, and don’t really know what ponies eat,” Pinkie interrupted, scanning a nearby shelf lined with cookbooks. “And you guys are kinda prideful so you don’t like asking for help.”

Ember blinked, scratching the back of her neck a little sheepishly. “…Actually, that’s pretty accurate,” she said with a chuckle. “Also, the potluck is sort of tonight, so… yeah.”

Nodding, Pinkie flashed Ember a grin over her shoulder. “So, what sort of dish were you thinking of making?”

“I was thinking something… sweet. Ponies like sweet stuff, right?” Ember asked with a nervous smile.

Pinkie nodded rapidly, plucking a book off the shelf and carrying it over to Ember balanced on the tip of her forelock. “Desserts are always welcome!” she agreed brightly, holding the book open for Ember. “Just pick a dish, any dish.”

Squinting as she scanned the pages before flipping to the next recipe, Ember hummed in thought. After going through most of the book, she halted, blinking in surprise. “Wait – ponies eat logs?” she asked.

Leaning over to grab the book and take a closer look, Pinkie broke into giggles at the sight of the recipe Ember had landed on.

“It’s not a log, silly, it just looks like one – it’s a cake! It’s called a yule log, and it’s perfect for the Hearth’s Warming season,” she explained.

“Oh! Well, that sounds perfect then,” Ember said, grinning with newfound enthusiasm. She looked around the kitchen and her smile dimmed a little. “…How should we start?”

Pinkie trotted over to the counter and set the open book on a wooden stand. She squinted at the lines of ingredients and procedures before pointing to a cupboard. “Mixing bowl,” she said.

Somewhat confused, Ember looked back and forth between Pinkie and the cupboard in question. To her dismay, a wide variety of bowls lay stacked before her. Her brow creased as she stared at them, before finally selecting the biggest one and yanking it out – causing all the bowls stored within it to topple out onto the floor.

Pinkie looked up at the sound of clattering kitchenware, and Ember chuckled nervously. “Sorry. I guess I’m not used to working in a pony kitchen… or any kitchen, really.”

Flashing her an easy smile, Pinkie trotted over. “That’s alright! There’s a first time for everything.” She scooped up the scattered bowls, restacked them almost faster than Ember’s eyes could follow, and and stuffed them back into the cupboard. Finally, she picked up the large bowl Ember held and set it on the counter.

“So. Mixing bowl,” Ember said, rubbing her claws together. “Now what?”

Returning to the recipe book, Pinkie scanned the page once more. She produced a large wooden spoon from a nearby drawer, and with it snared in a dexterous lock of hair, pointed to the fridge with it. “We’re gonna need eggs.”

Ember nodded briskly and opened the fridge, immediately shivering at the chill emanating from within. Working quickly, she found the eggs and slammed the door shut behind her. “Why is it so c-cold around here?”

Pinkie took the eggs from her and opened the carton. “It’s to keep food fresh. I guess gemstones don’t spoil no matter where you keep them, huh?” she asked with a chuckle.

“Well, they do get mossy sometimes… doesn’t taste great,” replied Ember. When Pinkie started to take the eggs, she raised a claw. “Wait. It wouldn’t be fair if you did all the work. I’m the one who’s supposed to be making the dish.”

“Oh, okay.” Pinkie pointed to the bowl. “We need six eggs. Break them on the side and drip them in there.”

With a grimace, Ember obeyed, cracking each egg on the rim of the bowl and dropping the contents inside. She shuddered with the sound of each rupture. “Cooking with eggs,” she muttered, seemingly to herself. “It just seems so… barbaric.”

When she turned back to Pinkie, her revulsion became confusion as Pinkie handed her a whisk and pointed her back to the bowl. “Good job! You’re getting the hang of it already. Okie-dokie, now just beat those eggs until they’re yellow.”

As Pinkie returned to the recipe book to read ahead, Ember turned to the bowl full of broken eggs. With a curious glance at the whisk, she shrugged and set it calmly to one side, before pulling one arm back and piledriving a punch into the mixing bowl.

To its credit, the mixing bowl didn’t break, even after taking a hit from the Dragon Lord. At the sounds of scales crunching into kitchenware, Pinkie’s head snapped up, just in time to see the unbeaten eggs flying directly at her as the mixing bowl flipped through the air end over end.

With a small squeak of surprise, she narrowly dodged the eggs, which splattered against the walls behind her. Just as she Just as she puffed out her cheeks and wiped her brow in relief, the mixing bowl landed upside down on her head.

“Oh no – Pinkie!” Ember exclaimed, running over and pulling off the bowl. Pinkie’s mane was slightly gooey from the residual egg mixture, but she otherwise seem unhurt. “Are you alright? I’m so sorry!”

“That’s alright, your dragon lordshipfulness,” Pinkie said with flashing her a nervous smile. She plucked a nearby towel and scrubbed at her mane. “Just some spilled eggs. Nothing to worry about!”

“I just…I thought you said to beat them, so I tried to, and…” Ember’s words sputtered out as she looked between the bowl and her.

“Yeah, that’s what the whisk is for,” Pinkie said, pointing at it. Then, it clicked in her head. “Oh. Right. You’ve never baked before, have you?”

Ember shook her head.

“I get it now!” Pinkie laughed. “Sorry, I should’ve been more explicit.” Moving quickly, she fetched a new mixing bowl from the cupboard, which Ember promptly filled with the contents of six more eggs, grimacing as much as she had done the first time.

“Just sort of…stir the eggs up with that,” Pinkie said, leaning close as Ember picked up the whisk again. “That’s what ‘beating eggs’ is.”

“Right, right,” Ember said with a nod, plucking up the whisk. “Um…” She turned back to her pink-haired mentor. “Which end do I use?”

“The metal end,” Pinkie said, turning to the oven. “And while you do that, I’ll heat the oven up.”

“Ooh! I can do that for you!” Ember said, rushing over to the oven.

Before Pinkie could stop her—that is, as much as anypony could stop an enthusiastic dragon running at full speed—Ember flung open the oven door and released a gout of fire into it. The fire rebounded from inside the shallow oven and rushed out, blinding both of them. Pinkie tried to jump away, but she was too slow.

Ember stumbled backwards, wiping soot from her eyes and collided with another countertop. Her head, waving blindly on her long neck, smashed into the cupboard overhead and metal pots cascaded down on her.

When the clattering cacophony of metal subsided and Pinkie was done coughing from the smoke, she cautiously approached Ember to offer her a hoof. “Hey – you okay?”

With a huff, Ember tossed aside the pots and shook off one that had landed on her head like a helmet. “You ponies have some dangerous kitchens,” she remarked, the beginnings of a wry smile quirking one corner of her mouth upwards.

Pinkie giggled and helped her to her feet. “Kitchens can be pretty dangerous, when you don’t know what you’re doing,” she agreed. “But that’s what we have the recipe for – just follow my lead and we’ll bake you a yule log cake!”

“If you say so,” Ember said with a sigh.

“Do you think she’s going to like it?” Ember whispered loudly to Pinkie. They stood behind the small table on which their yule log was displayed, one of several in the castle banquet hall. Each one was manned by a chef and their dish from another culture.

“I’m sure she’s going to love it,” Pinkie whispered back, grinning the same strained smile that had been plastered on her face ever since their creation had come out of the oven.

At least it looked like a passable log, albeit a little flatter than it should have been. The swirl on the ends wavered and wobbled instead of curving smoothly. The candy leaves and cranberries adorning the log by the stump sank slightly into the cake’s frosting.

Summoning her courage as Twilight approached, Ember attempted a brave smile as the princess trotted up to their table, a clipboard floating in her magic alongside her. She blinked in surprise at seeing Pinkie standing next to Ember, especially with that strangely nervous smile.

“Welcome, Dragon Lord Ember!” Twilight said warmly, accompanying her words with a brief bow.

“Princess Twilight,” replied Ember, bowing in return. She looked up, frowning. “Um – It is Princess Twilight, right? You’re not…that other one?”

Raising a hoof to her mouth, Twilight giggled. “Yes, I’m Twilight. I’m looking forward to trying your dish.” She turned to Pinkie, her expression sobering a little. “Now Pinkie, I just want to be sure – you didn’t happen to make this for her, did you?”

As Pinkie opened her mouth to answer, but Ember hastily cut her off. “Not at all! Pinkie helped me pick out the dish, and she showed me what to do, but I handled all the baking.” She spread her wings proudly as she spoke.

“Yep,” Pinkie confirmed with a weak chuckle. “She did all the baking… all the ingredients.”

“Good.” Twilight shot them both another smile. “The point of this was to experience festive dishes from other cultures in their entirety, to get into the spirit of things.” She levitated up a small cake-knife and carefully cut herself a small slice.

Both chefs watched closely as Twilight popped the slice into her mouth. As one, they winced as her eyes shut, and then relaxed as the princess began to chew enthusiastically. But then Twilight’s eyes popped open and her chewing slowed, and she forced a smile as she swallowed it down.

Ember and Pinkie waited in agonized silence for the verdict.

Twilight cocked her head to one side as she considered. “It’s a little… soggy,” she noted at last.

“Weird. I only put the two cups of water in that Pinkie told me to,” Ember said, scratching the top of her head.

“Yep. Two, whole cups,” added Pinkie, nodding meaningfully at Twilight.

“Ah, I see. There’s also…a lot of chocolate in this,” Twilight continued. “Not that that’s a bad thing, but there’s… a whole lot of it.”

“Oh! That was my idea.” Ember stood a little taller, clearly proud of her creativity. “Pinkie showed me these delicious chocolate chips and I decided to put some in.”

“The entire bag,” hissed Pinkie.

Ember, oblivious, folded her arms and shot Twilight a cocky smile. “Not bad for my first time in a kitchen, huh?”

“Not bad at all,” Twilight answered, smiling widely. “If you’ll excuse me, I’d better… uh… see how the other dishes are going!”

Blinking as she watched Twilight scuttle away, Ember’s gaze moved down to her yule log and a frown crossed her face. With a sigh, she turned to Pinkie. “She didn’t…like it very much, did she?”

Rearing up to pat her on the arm, Pinkie smiled up at her friend. “Well, the point of this whole thing was to experience pony cooking – I don’t think Twilight was expecting everything to turn out perfectly,” she said. “You had fun though, right? That’s what really counts!”

Ember rubbed her chin in thought before finally nodding. “Dangerous pony kitchens aside, it was pretty fun to bake this thing.”

Pinkie beamed, before both of them flinched at the sudden noise of someone screaming. They watched in horrified silence as Smolder ran past, fire spewing from her mouth and arms flailing. “Water! Water!” She was still shouting as she vanished through the doorway at the far end of the banquet hall.

Turning with wide eyes to Pinkie, Ember spread her claws. “What was that all about?”

Pinkie chuckled anxiously, hesitantly poking her front hooves together. “I think that means I might have to tone back on the spice next time,” she replied.

Author's Note

Date of Creation (D.o.C.): 12/17/20

The two ideas I had were Ember in Twilight's crystal castle, with Fluttershy having to stop her from eating it, or Ember tackling holiday baking with Pinkie's help. They already did "Ember eating the castle" for the episode where she and Thorax show up in Ponyville, so I went with the former. The recipe I included in the long description is the one I followed for the story.

It wasn't really easy to write this, given everything that's happened to me over the last few weeks - hard to write a comedy when you feel like crying. And don't even get me started on what I had to do to get that yule log for the cover.

The songs I listened to for this were "Shiveria: Town" from the game Super Mario Odyssey and "Snowdin Town" from the game Undertale. They're very festive, wintery songs.

Merry Jinglemas, Drider! I hope you like your story.

-yours truly,
The Legendary Bill Cipher, Equestria Enthusiast and Secret Santa