Typing A Lot Of Things As Cozy Glow

by _OtakuTsundere_

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Tirek, Queen Chrysalis, Cozy Glow, Random, Anthology
Length: 3973

Welcome to your free trial of insanity! We hope you enjoy it, because you're gonna be stuck here for a while.

[Suggestions are Closed!]

In which three power-hungry roommates sit down to play various card games, all the while questioning the very reality they live in.

Published 2020-12-26 21:20:00 UTC
Last updated 2021-05-19 22:13:24 UTC

"...A chocolate bar."

Chrysalis, Tirek, and Cozy Glow sat at the table inside of their stone prison, playing a game of cards.

During plays, Cozy Glow suspiciously fidgeted in her seat, and appeared to be holding something.

After Chrysalis played a Queen of Hearts, she casually asked, "What do you have there, Cozy Glow?"

Cozy Glow gasped and quickly hid Chrysalis's lavender log behind her back.

"...A chocolate bar," the filly replied.

“That’s very reassuring,” Tirek explained sarcastically.

"No, Chrysalis. Just.. no."

Chrysalis smacked her cards down on the table and cackled evilly. "You expected yourself to win, but it was me, ~~Dio~~ Chrysalis!!"

Cozy Glow handed her cards to Tirek for him to shuffle and sighed. "No, Chrysalis. Just.. no."

"BUT THAT'S MY IDEA!"

“I, QUEEN CHRYSALIS, SHALL DESTROY THE FRIENDSHIP CLASS!!”

Cozy Glow groaned in the background. “BUT THAT’S MY IDEA!” she wailed for the umpteenth time that day.

"Golly, is this a Jojo reference?"

Tirek grinned as ‘Twilight Sparkle’ calmly trotted towards him. “Oh, you’re approaching me, Princess? And instead of galloping away, you’re coming right to me? How pleasant.”

Suddenly, ‘Twilight’s’ head formed into Chrysalis’s, and she grinned evilly. “I can’t suck the love out of you without getting closer,” she replied coolly as she continued to march, her horn glowing green.

“Oh-ho! Then come as close as you’d like..” His face then turned to a sadistic grin as he charged up his magic to blast Chrysalis--

Cozy Glow shoved a hoof-full of popcorn into her mouth. “Golly, is thith a Jojo referenth?”

Chrysalis and Tirek groaned as they broke out of character.

“We almost had it that time!” wailed Chrysalis.

Cozy Glow frowned as she mumbled, “Sthorry.. I can’th help it.”

Author's Note

H a h .

"Hi there!"

Cozy Glow calmly cleared her throat..

“Hi there, buddy chum pal friend buddy pal chum bud friend fella brother amigo pal buddy friend chummy chum chum pal! I don’t mean to be rude, my friend pal homeslice bread slice dawg, but I gotta warn you! If you take one more diddly darn step right there, I’m just going to have to diddly darn snap your neck! And golly, wouldn’t that be a crummy juncture, huh? Do you want that, though? Do you wish upon yourself to come into physical experience with a crummy juncture? Because, friend buddy chum friend pally pal chum friend.. if you keep this up: Well, I might have to get not so friendly with you, my friendly friend friend pal friend buddy chum pally friend chum buddy!”

Author's Note

Well. I have no regrets.

"But you do belong!"

Author's Note

Crossover chapter, because yes.

(Also, you do know you can comment your ideas, right-)

"But you do belong!"

Sweetie Giraffe sighed as she sipped her red lemonade glass. Nothing came out of it, so she blasted the cup out of existence with her lasers. Then looking down to Cozy Glow, she asked quietly (which was still quite bellowing), “SMOL ALLY WISH BE LONG?”

The pegasus frowned, floating up to eye-level with the omnipotent meme-goddess. “But you do belong, Sweetie!” Cozy Glow reassured sweetly.

“NEIN. SMOL ALLY NO UNDERSTAND.”

Sweetie Giraffe’s neck then extended ten meters, breaking the ceiling in the process. “L O N G.”

“CURSE YOU, AUTOCORRECT!—“

Cozy Glow frowned at the Fluttershy wall. Wait, that can’t be trigger— WHAT THE—

“Author, xD,” Cozy said, before frowned. “I meant ‘chill,’ gollum’s—“ The Pegasus gasped. “I can’t even say ‘golly’ anymore, gollum’s!” She sighed, ignoring the repetitive correction on her poor catcher— catchphrase, I meant—

Toronto enter red the kitchen, but swiveled around to leave with a new hatred over nutshells. It was a round trip to the fridge if you ask me. Wink winking, bush bush—

Cozy Glows lifted her fist to the heavens, shaking it aggressively. “CURSE YOU, AUTOMATICALLY!— AUTOMATIC!— AUTOMOTIVE!—“

She continued this eternal correction of her Grammy— grammatical sins for, well, an eternity.. or until my dictatorship— dictionary runs out of words starting with ‘auto’.

Also, A u t o c o r r e c t .

Author's Note

This chapter was brought to you by:

Piano butterfingers typing on a phone with the cursed autocorrect enabled.

Also, that’s a lotta hyphens ya got there, buddy—

"Happy Hearts and Hooves Day!"

Our favorite -- and only -- trio in this story sat at their beloved dining table, which was decorated very girly-like. The reason? Well, Cozy Glow decided a tea party should be hosted that Hearts and Hooves Day, much to Tirek’s despise.

Speaking of which, the centaur attended wearing a frilly, southern belle-style dress that was deep tangerine in color. He also had a parasol of the same hue by his side while he gingerly drank from the porcelain teacup in hand.

Chrysalis was seated to Tirek’s left, dressed in a bright shade of cerulean, with some bluebells weaved into her mane and around her waist to complete the look. The changeling’s semi-transparent mane remained normal, as she preferred it like that.

And finally, Cozy Glow wore a scarlet bodice with dark peach petticoats underneath. Her mane was bunched up in a pair of pigtails, with her signature ivory hair-ribbon replaced by a crimson mini-top hat.

The former changeling queen was now banging her head on the table, which in turn caused the teacups to jump -- yet somehow they didn’t tip over.

“Why are we celebrating this terrible day!?” screeched Chrysalis against the table. “We all know love is a pointless subject, do we not!?”

Cozy Glow opened her mouth to object about how powerful platonic love, such as friendship, could be, but the spotlight was abruptly taken from her.

“It’s as pointless as.. well, I,” Chrysalis murmured almost sadly, but the melancholic mood was ruined by Tirek’s awkward slurping of his malk in the background.

The pegasus sympathetically put a hoof on Chrysalis’ shoulder, her pupils expanding with puppy-like cuteness. “Aww, don’t be like that, Chryssy! You aren’t that useless!”

Chrysalis’ depressing state was shut off as she glared at the child for such a juvenile remark. Cozy flinched slightly.

The filly then leaned forward to the former queen’s ear, her smile reverting back to that evil smirk she always had.

“After all, your horn alone would cost a fortune on ENay!” Cozy Glow explained creepily, finishing with a raspy giggle as she backed away slowly, raising a teacup to her lips.

Our favorite pegasus then put back on her ‘sweet face,’ turning to you and announcing cheerfully with a little wave of the hoof, “Happy Hearts and Hooves Day, everypony!--”

Th.. p ge.. cr a ke.. a.. it..

FlexTape™ has joined the game.

Server: Please stand by as our newest moderator fixes this fourth wall. Thank you!

FlexTape™ has died by falling from a great height.

FlexTape™ has left the game.

And as all this was happening, Tirek still hadn’t finished nonchalantly sipping on his eternally-filled glass of strawberry malk.

Author's Note

..What she said. :heart:

"KFC™ is..."

Author's Note

..the chicken dealer made me do it.

"KFC™ is..."

Cozy Glow evened out her stack of papers on the table. “Are you all excited for this presentation?” the filly asked with a little smile. When no response came, Cozy’s grin expanded slightly. “Alrighty then.

“KFC™. KFC™ is red. Now, do you know what else is red--”

Chrysalis bluntly pointed to Tirek, who gave a noncommittal shrug.

“IT ISN’T TIREK, YOU IDIOT!” The peach pegasus paused to let out an annoyed exhale. “But yes, it is the color red.”

The charcoal bug horse rolled her eyes, putting pressure onto her left hoof with her cheek.

“Red has three letters. KFC™ also has three letters.” She then shuffled through her papers, pulling out a flashcard. The side she held towards her audience of two was blank. “Three times three equals- hol’ up,” Cozy muttered, flipping the card to reveal the number as she read aloud: ”Nine.

“Seven, eight, nine. We are now left with seven, who like previously mentioned, ate nine.” Cozy smirked at the pun as a small rimshot echoed in the room.

“There are seven days in a week.” The filly paused, putting a hoof to her chin. “Week. Week rhymes with beak. Beak. Chickens have beaks.”-- Chrysalis gasped as the pieces of the puzzle conspiracy were slowly placed together in her mind. --“Chicken. Chickens have two wings; centaurs have zero wings.” Tirek grunted in annoyance from his seat.

“Two plus zero is two.” Cozy tossed the flashcard with that exact phrase behind her, still grinning smugly. From behind her back did she then pull out an empty KFC™ bucket, pointing at the front of it. “The colonel has two eyes. Chickens also have two eyes. So that would make two plus two equals to four.”

Cozy Glow proceeded to pull out a Happy Meal™ from underneath the now-existent podium beside her. “The first four letters of McDonald’s™ are the first four letters of McDonald’s™,” the filly stated profoundly. “McDonald’s™ sells chicken. KFC™ also sells chicken. McDonald’s™ is nine letters long.”

Tirek and Chrysalis leaned forward in their beanbag chairs, nodding anxiously.

“Nine. Nine rhymes with the word electromagnetic delay line.” Cozy Glow paused. “Magnet. Magnets are metal. Cages -- specifically from Tartarus -- are also made of metal.” Cozy Glow’s grin widened even when it seemed impossible by now. “Now, we all know chickens are kept in cages. Is it where KFC™ gets their chicken, though? Well, that’s what we’ll find out.

“Chickens have two legs, and.. uh..” The pegasus frantically flipped through her flashcards. “Spike also has two legs. Two plus two is four; the colonel had four limbs -- as far as we know, I mean, we never see his arms or legs on the bucket -- and the chicken has two limbs. Although if you count the wings, that’d make four. And four divided by four...”

A dramatic pause swept over the statue’s interior.

“...is one. The illuminati has one eye.” By now I think Flowey has possessed Cozy’s facial structure, which makes me very concerned.

”KFC™ is illuminati confirmed.”

"I don’t get paid enough for this!"

All was now cloaked in darkness within the statue’s interior.

Then, a faint spotlight revealed Chrysalis in a platinum-colored crop top and thigh-length skirt. The top of which had a large, crimson ‘R’ embedded in the fabric.

“PREPARE FOR TROUBLE,” the changeling declared with one arm pointed outward for dramatic effect.

In another cylinder of light, Tirek appeared with the same uniform -- only without the skirt. A rose was between his teeth, because why the hay not.

“..AND MAKE IT DOUBLE,” Toronto added before breaking the fourth wall to glare at a specific little kid that was about to get sucker-punched in the nose—

An’ I oop—

“TO PROTECT THE WEBSITE FROM BORING DEVASTATION,” the cheese-legged beauty boomed.

~~Fun fact: this story was my solution to solve my burnout, but then caused another immediately after. So thanks alot my toxic online friend that I will refer to as “Cozy Glow 2”.~~

Cozy Glow gave a nonchalant shrug in the darkness, as her spotlight was malfunctioning at the moment. ( /sarcasm Can’t imagine why you suck at your job, Izzy Moonbow. /sarcasm )

The lavender unicorn in question ignored the crackling of sparks building up around the now-broken spotlights. Her tennis ball was way more interesting, anyhow. ~~Right, new addition of a Mario Tennis Aces™ Or Something™ game that I remember hearing was coming out!?~~

Tarmac exhaled with annoyance. “TO UNITE ALL CREATURES WITHIN OUR PRISON.”

Chrysalis then stepped forth, apparently not noticing an aflame piece of wood crash behind her. “TO DENOUNCE THE EVILS OF TRUTH AND LOVE!”

The centaur rolled his eyes, slumping forward as well to avoid a chunk of exposed, melted wires. “TO EXTEND OUR REACH TO THE COSMOS ABOVE,” he grumbled loudly over the crackles of literal destruction among our low-budget set,

because Cozy Glow really needs to stop blackmailing KFC™ with my money so they can release their fancy shmancy 3D Dorito with a top hat™ guy from Oregon that caused some sort of Armageddon there?—

“NO SPOILERS!” screeched Rarity from across the globe.

“CHRYSALIS!” the ‘all legs, no dairy’ bug horse continued with a malicious grin. Her pumice-like hooves pounded against the dust-blanketed concrete to further punctuate her seriousness.

* Cozy suddenly felt her sins crawl up her back as I just had to mention the dust.
...
Or maybe a live wire had literally clung to her back, temporarily paralyzing her in physical shock for a good ten-to-thirty-two seconds.

“I don’t get paid enough for this!” the somewhat-child-horse growled to herself, chucking the horrific piece of copper and electricity across the room after a minute passed.

Tirek then sighed, reluctantly continuing through this hysterical, jumbled mess of a chapter. “LORD TI-REK..!” came that weird accent in which I’m not sure how to express in writing, so for now the hyphen shall live. æ-

The changeling ruler was aghast at this. “We were using our formal titles this whole time?!”

Izzy’s tennis ball slipped off her horn, clanked against the chosen one — which is just that one pro-gamer spotlight that had Fire Resistance IV the whole time, and then decided to be impaled by Chrysalis’ horn this time.

The pro-gamer spotlight instantly flashed on, and Chrysalis turned her head so that the peach pegasus could bask in the engulfing warm light.

“Finally,” Cozy muttered, gently tugging on her dust-covered ensemble, which matched Chrysalis’ to a tee.

“COZY, THAT’S RIGHT!” the pegasus cheered on cue with a little ‘:3’ face, because I dunno, maybe she’s a furry-

XBOX Achievement: New Headcannon Acquired!

The trio’s spotlights combined into one as a shadowed symbol resembling a ginormous, cursive ‘R’ appeared behind them. It flickered in the background as the now-minor destruction of their set continued its rampage. All the while, the centaur, changeling, and pegasus all exclaimed as they recreated their classic tango pose: “TEAM DOOM, LET’S FIGHT!”

..And then the spotlights shut off as the ‘R’ collapsed next to them.

~~In the darkness, Cozy pondered, “Hey, if ‘Doom’ starts with ‘D,’ then why are we still going for the ‘R’ theme? And shouldn’t this be rated~~ E-D ~~for~~ Everybody ~~and~~ Dumb-Crackfic~~?”~~

Author's Note

"NANI-"

A sentient rainbow burst through the ceiling, flopping onto the concrete floor. But that turned out to be just Rainbow Dash.. tangled up in a lasso, courtesy of Winona. Said sheepdog was wearing a leprechaun suit while performing a dancing jig atop the unconscious Rainbow’s back. She ended with a little bow before turning to witness who would be another victim of the Saint Patrick’s Day lore.

And there it was! Across the never-ending room, Cozy Glow took another spoonful of ~~Lucky Charms™~~ Temmie Flakes™. She was the next unsuspecting target of the nibble.

Winona now waddled over to the table, shadows looming over her face. “Omae wa mou. Shindeiru,” read the subtitles as she barked directly at the peach pegasus.

The spoon in Cozy’s hoof clanked to the floor as a result of her shock. A soft echo reverberated from the tragic fall. “NANI-”

But it was too late. Winona had already done what must be done: pinching -- or in this case, nibbling -- the tail of one who was so careless to ignore the rule of wearing green shades in their wardrobe on this such holiday. Yet the simple act of nibbling was not enough for this one.

Winona appeared to grin gleefully, if not, pridefully at keeping the tradition going. Her eyes did not express the same joy, however. No, they were still the soulless beads of pure evil as it seemed toward the young pegasus.

“I’m gonna suffer some sort of today-only curse for denying the ‘wear something green or you get pinched’ trend, right?” inquired Cozy rhetorically, only flinching as she noticed Winona’s deadly glare.

The leprechaun sheepdog continued to stare, pausing. One folded ear pricked up, her head tilting upward. A smile slowly crept back onto her muzzle.

Cozy broke out of her trance, glancing above. She was quite unamused now, deadpanning, “Really? You are so typical-”

An anvil with the label ‘ACME’ proceeded to crash through the ceiling and onto Cozy Glow.

Winona took a step back, hopping onto the anvil, but not before licking the dazed filly across the muzzle. Her spare lasso then tugged Rainbow Dash, chucking the cyan pegasus through the previously created hole above. The trollish leprechaun went aboard the newly-made trail of rainbows, sliding upward not unlike how she would a chute.

The holy grail of the new edition of ~~Lucky Charms™~~ Temmie Flakes™ descended from the heavens and in front of Cozy’s twitching hooves.

The subtitles now read as there were ominous barks from outside: “They’re magically delicious!® An original breakfast!®”

And during this, Tirek and Chrysalis had been continuing their ten-hours-long-and-counting debate of whether it’s fair or not to be excused from the ‘wearing green’ tradition if your eyes are naturally that color.

" "

Cozy Glow looked up from her daily newspaper, staring through your soul with a deadpanned expression.

“What, you think the Author would take some time off of reading Fluttercord fics to be productive on here? Nothing to even see here, so c’mon, shoo.”

The pegasus batted her hoof in your direction before continuing her reading.

And with a distasteful groan, she proceeded to skip over some poorly executed page on ‘unicorn supremacy’. Prejudice wasn’t exactly her preferred style.

That was more of a Chrysalis or Neighsay thing, and Cozy wasn’t one for plagiarizing.

For a split second, you could see said wild bug horse fling across the mental limbo with a pair of maracas, screeching:

“ CALL ME YOUR BAKA~ ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) “

Author's Note

~~Totally didn’t steal the ‘April Fools in May’ idea from Sawtooth Waves--~~

~~I hope you all use night mode though-~~

"YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!"

Chrysalis evened out her script compiled of Post-It™ notes tacked together.

“--And that’s why it’s never a good thing to feed that Flutter...shai past the midnight hours,” the news reporter changeling drawled with the most boredom she could convey on her ever-so sleep-deprived mug.

..Mugs, actually; her fresh cup of coffee wore a newly printed sticker of.. herself, the emote displayed matching her expression perfectly. Even down to the smallest detail, such as that one grey patch above her cheek.

Also also, technically speaking, she’s already in stone sleep, so it’d be pretty weird if she attempted to rest inside her forever-seeming dream -- then again, it could have been a nightmare in there, but who knows?

The charcoal-toned mare shrieked in agony as the tack holding her script (and at that point, probably sanity) together pricked her on the interior of one of her many hole-y areas.

”CURSE YOU, STARLIGHT GLIMMER-” Chrysalis yeeted the thumb-tack (which apparently had a photo of that Friendship Counselor’s cutie mark stamped on it) across the room.

I leaped back into my gaming chair to—

Oh. Cozy took over narrating duty while I was gone for a convenient six-to-nine minutes. Well then.

“You were gone for sixty-nine minutes?” Cozy questioned innocently. “Gee, time sure goes by when you’re stuck in a crack-fic--”

Six-to-nine minutes, excuse you.

There was a long pause between us. The only noise that resounded was Chrysalis’ screeches of pure hatred echoing in the distance.

..Y’know what, I’m just gonna cancel you.

Cozy blinked once, right before turning on her heels and hastily bursting through the poorly duct-taped hole, dashing into the waking world beyond the horizon.

“YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!”

YES, BUT YOUR CORPSE WILL BE PAYMENT ENOUGH!

Author's Note

Escape montage?! /j

Final note: this weirdness has been a great start to being a part of this welcoming community, so thank you for enjoying this!

"Golly, I just now realized.."

"Golly, I just now realized..." Cozy Glow whimpered as she looked around the stone prison. "I have a severe case of claustraphobia."

Tirek and Chrysalis both groaned in agony.

"Does Digiorno do catering?"

"Hey, guys? Does Digiorno do catering?" Cozy Glow asked very casually.

Tirek blinked. "What did you just-“

Chrysalis broke out of her concentration on her lavender log and smirked. "What is this Digiorno you speak of?" She licked her lips.

"I think it's a pizza delivery place or something," Cozy Glow explained.

Suddenly, Pinkie Pie - dressed in full-out pizzeria attire - burst into the stoned area, a giant hole revealing the waking world behind her. "OH YEAH!” she screeched.

There was an awkward pause.

“Oops, wrong script-“ Pinkie tossed the newfound sheet of paper away before facing Cozy Glow with a stern face.

“IT'S NOT DELIVERY, IT'S DIGIORNO!!" Pinkie Pie yelled at the top of her lungs.

The bubbly earth pony then yeeted a pizza box at Chrysalis's horn and marched back out of the room, making sure to FlexTape™ up the giant hole she had previously left in the outer layer of the statue.

"..But 'cha didn't!"

Tirek blankly stared at the set of cards he had been dealt.

There were three diamonds — one was a black seven, with the two reds being identified as a Queen and six, respectively; a black two of spades followed suit (not literally, duh).

The final card in his hand was a Joker, which had an image of Discord giving a thumbs-up printed on it.

Suddenly, Cozy Glow smacked down a red eight of clovers on top of Chrysalis’ previous play - which was a black Queen of hearts. Be it pure coincidence or cruel irony of how the former changeling ruler got that card every game.

“Checkmate!” exclaimed Cozy from across the table, grinning smugly at Tirek, knowing he had a red Queen of diamonds to counter Chrysalis’ move.

Tirek rolled his eyes in annoyance as he forcefully shoved his stash into the deck of cards. The scarlet-furred centaur grunted, “I should’ve just fed those pathetic little postcards to Cerberus when I had the chance..”

After he messily shuffled the deck for another game of cards, Tirek glanced down, and slightly flinched when he noticed Cozy Glow floating in a position where they were shoulder-to-shoulder.

The pegasus continued inched closer, and closer, until Tirek could feel her breathing on his neck, causing him to grimace.

He felt the breath travel to his ear, and he then heard this coy whisper from Cozy:

“..But ‘cha didn’t!”

Cozy Glow then proceeded to cackle as mischievously and lowly as her prematured voice would allow while floating back to her seat.

"Well, when life gives you lemons!"

Cozy Glow waddled over to the newly-placed kitchen in the stone complex in desperate need of oranges -- no reason, of course. Slowly opening the fridge, she blinked at the sight of at least a thousand lemons stuffed in it.

“Golly, is Chrysalis stocking up on these again--?”

The hoard of lemons burst from the tiny refrigerator, pinning Cozy underneath a sourly sweet empire of the yellow fruits.

Tirek just then entered the room, sighing and shaking his head at the sight. He turned to leave when Cozy Glow sputtered from beneath the pile. A single lemon shot out of the stack, landing directly on Tirek’s nose. The centaur sighed, flicking off the stupid thing.

Cozy now emerged from the pile, stained lightly with lemon juice and a few seeds. Her creepy smile was still there, twitching. “Well, when life gives you lemons!” she strained to exclaim as an obnoxiously catchy tune rang through the statue..

..which in turn caused the hoard of lemons to imprison the filly again in their evil yellow fortress.