Ponyville Diaries

by Sylpheed Dashstep

Rating: teen
Tags: Romance, Drama, Original Character, Main 6, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 17480

A pony wakes up in Ponyville with no memory of who she used to be.

After waking up with no memory of who she used to be, Astra must make do with learning who she is while trying to make a life for herself. As she creates a new life for herself, she must contend with old demons, as well as new ones, all while trying to learn more of her past self in any way she can. How will she manage? Only time will tell.

Published 2021-10-30 01:50:00 UTC
Last updated 2021-11-09 16:12:42 UTC

Awakening

My eyes blearily opened, fluttering slowly as I took a deep breath. My heart was racing and my throat felt dry as I let out a wheezing cough. I struggled to focus and take in the room that I’d woke up in but everything was so hazy. I could make out a blue blur moving closer to me, my eyes eventually focusing enough to make out the form of a bright blue pegasus with a rainbow mane hovering over my bed. She had a worried look on her face and her mouth was parted open, as if she wasn’t sure what to say. I opened my mouth and managed to croak out, “Water.” The pegasus seemed to struggle for a moment before nodding and flying across the room, grabbing a pitcher and a glass and bringing them over to me. My eyes blurred again and I felt my head slump back for a moment before I felt a hoof helping lift me up, tilting the glass against my lips. I drank slowly at first, savoring the fresh water as it slipped down my throat, before I shakily reached my hooves up and took the glass on my own. I finished the rest of the glass off in a few moments and was handed another one a few seconds later, which I quickly finished. I handed the glass back and let myself sink back down into the bed. My eyelids felt heavy and I let them close as my breathing slowed, sleep quickly reclaiming me and taking me away.

When I awoke again I became aware of a million different problems with myself all at once, pain everywhere, a headache lodged deep behind my forehead, aches in every joint, a pain so fierce in my stomach, and my whole body felt like I had been rubbed raw with sandpaper. I groaned and rolled onto my side, curling into a ball and clenching my hooves to my gut.

“Hey now darlin’, are y’all doin alright,” a voice whispered from the bedside. I looked up to see an orange earth pony sitting in a chair next to the bed. Concern was etched into her features and it only deepened as I groaned, turning my face into the pillow, trying to block out all the feelings assaulting me. “Alright, gimme jus’ a moment, ah’ll go an’ get Twilight,” she whispered to me before getting up and carefully making her way to the door.

A minute later I heard the door open again but I didn’t look up, keeping my eyes closed, attempting to keep the headache away. A warmth washed over me and within seconds I felt all the pain drift away, my body slowly untensing. I turned my head and my vision focused slowly on a purple unicorn. Her vision was focused intensely on me and I felt scrutinized under her stare. I turned my vision away sheepishly, murmuring a small thank you as I did so.

“How do you feel,” the unicorn asked. My eyes flickered back to the face of the unicorn and I struggled to find words, floundering on my own tongue under her stare. We both sat staring at one another for a few moments before the stare was broken by the door opening. My eyes turned to see the blue pegasus standing in the doorway staring at me, our eyes breaking contact as the pegasus turned to the unicorn.

“Is she...okay,” the pegasus asked.

The unicorn turned her gaze off of me and looked at the pegasus, “I used a spell to remove some of the pain that she’s dealing with but I can’t say. I think she’s still in shock, she hasn’t really said anything to me or Applejack so far.”

The unicorn turned back to me and slowly walked up to the bed, giving me a small smile and saying, “Hey, you’re alright now. Whatever made you...run away like that can’t get you here.”

I blinked at the pegasus, my mouth fumbling for a few moments, “I…” The sentence broke down into a cough and when I looked up there was a glass of water being held out by the pegasus. I nodded and began drinking from it. As I finished the cup I heard a scuffle on the other side of the door, the sound of two ponies arguing breaking through moments before the door was opened and the sound reached us.

“Consarnit Pinkie, you can’t just come barging in like that,” the orange earth pony was saying, following a pink earth pony into the room.

“Twilight Sparkle,” the pink earth pony began, “you have officially broken a Pinkie Promise and as such-” The earth pony trailed off as our eyes met. “Oh my gosh! Why didn’t anypony tell me that we had somepony new in town! I have to go get a ‘Welcome to Ponyville’ together right now! My name is Pinkie Pie,” she exclaimed, hopping onto the end of the bed and giving me a wide smile before asking, “what’s yours?”

Everypony started looking at each other before their eyes all settled on me. I opened my mouth, pausing before frowning and looking down at my hooves, burning holes into them as I struggled to think.

“I…” I looked up and met the eyes of the blue pegasus. “I don’t know.”

I stood looking in a mirror, my eyes struggling to focus as I took breath after breath. I met my own eyes in the mirror and studied them, looking for something. Green eyes, yellow coat, red mane,, all unfamiliar. Nothing about the mare I was staring at was familiar, the horn, the soft facial features, the scar adorning my cheek. I was a complete stranger and I had no idea what I was even supposed to feel about it. I turned and looked at my flank, studying the blank spot where my cutie mark was supposed to be at. Why didn’t I have one? A knock at the door startled me and I turned, cracking the door open and glancing out at the blue mare who was in the room when I first woke up. There was concern etched on her face, and her magenta eyes were almost pleading with mine.

“Are you...okay?” She seemed to realize that her question was stupid and she adjusted herself, brushing her rainbow mane to the side and shuffling in place before speaking up again, “I mean...I just, uhhhh. Wow, I’m bad at this. Do you want somepony to talk to? Maybe talking about stuff will...help?” I stared at her for a few moments, trying to gather my thoughts together enough to form a sentence.

“I…I really don’t remember anything. I don’t know a single thing about myself, my hobbies, my special talent, or how I got here.” I paused for a moment, looking at my hooves and tracing the patchwork of cuts and bruises on them before looking back up at her and continuing, “I really don’t think talking is going to help.”

The mare studied me for a few more moments before visibly relaxing, her shoulders untensing and the frown on her face vanishing. “So you really don’t remember anything...Well at the very least I can tell you about how you got here. The rest will come back eventually according to Twilight.”

“Fine. I suppose I’m not exactly going anywhere soon in the state that I’m in. I guess I’ll hear you out,” I grumbled.

She led me back to the room that I was in and took a seat on the chair next to the bed, waiting until I had seated myself on the comforter to begin. “So I should probably introduce myself first, I’m Rainbow Dash. You’re on Sweet Apple Acres right now, a farm on the edge of Ponyville. A couple days ago I…” she paused for a moment, thinking hard to herself before she spoke again, “I was flying over ponyville working with the clouds and I saw you running into Whitetail Woods being chased by a timberwolf. I couldn’t just leave you so I flew over and beat it up. By the time I got to you, you were already unconscious. I carried you back to town and Twilight patched you up. You weren’t waking up though and she needed space at the library so she asked Applejack if you could just rest here.”

I was silent for a few moments, digesting the information she had told me before I began formulating responses. “You said there was a wolf chasing me?”

“A timberwolf. It’s like a wolf but it’s made out of sticks and stuff,” she explained.

I nodded, “Okay, so why didn’t I just fight it? I’m a unicorn, I’d imagine I would have known some form of a spell.”

Rainbow Dash jerked like she had been shocked, “Uhhhhhh…Twilight says there was a ring on your horn that was stopping you from doing magic. It also stopped me from carrying you. At least according to Twilight, something about pegasi flying with magic. All I know is when I caught you I dropp-“ she clamped her mouth shut and fidgeted in her seat as she thought for a moment. “I mean when I went to carry you back to town I had to walk, not an easy trip honestly. You got lucky with your savior, I’m one of the strongest ponies around Ponyville.”

I nodded and gave a smile, my eyes trailing her as she relaxed in her seat again. I thought for a moment before asking, “So who are all of these ponies you keep mentioning?”

“Oh! Right, I’m not used to meeting new ponies often. Most ponies in Ponyville know everypony else.” Rainbow Dash told me about her friends, mentioning the ones that I’d already met, and mentioning two that I hadn’t had the chance to get acquainted with. “So, is this helping at all?”

I thought hard for a moment, “I suppose talking is helping me figure out part of myself in a weird way. I’m not really having to think about the way I’m putting sentences together so I suppose a part of myself still exists in this empty head.”

“Right…” Rainbow Dash scratched the back of her head, “Well it sounds like I did something so mission accomplished I guess!”

I rolled my eyes and leaned back on the bed, “I suppose. So what happens now? I don’t think I have anywhere to go so-“

“Well, sugarcube,” a voice startled me at the door and I sat up quickly, my eyes landing on Applejack, “when y’all are feelin’ better you’re free to help us around the farm. There’s plenty of work to be done and if you’re gonna be stayin’ we could call it even for the room.”

I thought about it for a moment before nodding, “I’d appreciate it, but you’re really fine with just letting a stranger stay in your home?”

Applejack nodded and gave me a smile as she said, “Well I’m usually pretty good at tellin’ lies from the truth, an’ ah don’t think y’all are lyin’ to us about not remembering where y’all are from.”

I smiled back and got myself out of bed, “Well I feel fine now, when can I start earning my keep?”

Applejack rolled her eyes, “Sugarcube, y’all ain’t doin’ nothin’ for at least a week according to Twilight. Plus, until y’all remember your name, we gotta figure out what to call ya.”

Rainbow Dash seemed to perk up at that, “Ooh, I’ve got a suggestion!”

Applejack looked concerned and shook her head, “Y’all named a turtle Tank, and ya think we’re gonna let ya help a pony figure out her name?”

Rainbow Dash scowled and scrunched in her seat as I thought for a few moments. “I suppose Astra would be fine.”

Rainbow dash left not too long after that, her eyes glancing at me worriedly as she flew away, and I spent the rest of the day meeting the rest of Applejack’s family. There was a small pale filly named Apple Bloom, a large red stallion named Big Mac, and an old green mare named Granny Smith. The house was pretty large and it was nice and homely. Everywhere my eyes landed was another sign that this was a beloved family home. Pictures of relatives hung on the walls, along with nicknacks adorning shelves. The kitchen was spacious and the pantry was well stocked. I wanted to take a tour of the farm but Applejack said that we’d get to that when I felt better. Eventually the day drew to a close and the sun began to set. The Apple family all met in the kitchen as Big Mac doled out the food.

Dinner was a lively affair and I simply smiled and ate as I watched Apple Bloom yell about her day with her friends. Big Mac wasn’t of many words, and Granny Smith egged Apple Bloom on, much to the chagrin of Applejack. It was a nice evening, and took my mind off of my most pressing problems for a little bit.

After dinner everypony headed off to their rooms for the night. The house was quiet after that, only the periodic snoring of Granny Smith or the sound of somepony getting up to use the restroom as the only indication that there were still ponies in the house. My mind wouldn’t stop racing as I reviewed all of the information I’d learned over the course of the day, trying to come up with something to help me remember anything about myself. After an hour of combing through what I could I came up with nothing and was giving myself a headache, so I went to my window and opened it, feeling the crisp night air flow into the room. It occurred to me that I had no idea what season it even was and I couldn’t help but laugh at the situation I had found myself in. It sounded like something out of a book, a mare who had no idea about herself, waking up finding herself surrounded by nice ponies, making a new life for herself. I scrubbed my face and groaned to myself, wondering what I was going to do.

I stood at the window for a while, turning my gaze to the night sky, watching the stars twinkle and the moon hang high, shining down and illuminating the farm. Gazing at the moon, I felt a feeling well up in my chest and it took a tear falling down my cheek for me to realize that it was sadness. I sniffled and wiped my cheek, staring at the wet patch on my hoof. Why was I…sad? I gazed back up at the moon, racking my brain and trying to figure out the reason behind the tightness in my chest. After a few moments I gave a huff and turned away, crawling into the bed and attempting to push away the unknown feelings. I drifted away, something unknown stuck to the tip of my tongue.

I opened my eyes to find snow billowing around me, biting into my hide and stinging my eyes as it peppered me. The landscape around me was obscured by the raging storm and I raised a hoof to try and block the snow from my eyes. I began to stumble my way forward, unsure of where I was going but knowing that I had to keep moving. After a few small steps a light appeared in the distance, a warmth emanating from the same direction and abating the snow some. I began to shuffle towards the warmth, almost desperate to get out of the cold. I didn’t notice the lump in my way until I tripped, splaying out in the cold snow. I groaned and turned, shuffling my way off of the lump and taking in the form of a pony half covered in snow, reaching for where the light was coming from. I gagged and rolled away from the body, struggling to get back to my hooves on shaky limbs. After a few steadying breaths of the stingingly cold air, I was able to keep moving, staggering my way forward. My legs kept bowing, barely able to keep my body up. My head hung low and my breaths were short and shallow. Everything hurt and it was all I could manage to keep moving towards the light.

A noise out in the snow caught my ear and I paused, turning my head to scan for whatever I heard. I saw the form of a pony shuffling through the storm a few meters away from me. They began to call out again but cut off as they caught sight of me. I felt a scowl take place on my face as I caught sight of the mare walking up to me. Her form was covered by a cowl blowing in the wind but I could make out her dark blue coat and a pair of striking blue eyes searching the snowy landscape. Her face broke out into relief upon seeing me.

“Oh thank Celestia you’re okay,” she exclaimed as she galloped the rest of the distance to me.

“Stay away from me,” I shouted and stumbled back, landing hard on my haunches.

She pulled up, a hurt look crossing her face. “You’re...upset at me?”

The scowl deepened and I felt hate and vitriol begin coursing through my veins as I struggled to spit words out, “Are you kidding me? You’ve taken everything from me! My life is ruined, my family thinks I’m a freak, and most of all...she...” I broke down, tears trailing down my cheeks as I began to sob.

Her voice was small as she tried to explain, “I only wanted to help.” Her eyes lowered to her hooves, not daring to look at me.

“Well look where your help has gotten me,” I sniveled back, “lost whoever knows where, with nopony to care.”

Her eyes flicked up to mine, full of hurt and sadness, “I’m sorry...you’re...you’re dead.”

I sat up quickly, my breath coming in short heaves, leaving my chest hurting. I brushed my mane from out of my face and struggled out of the blanket on the bed. I stood on wobbly hooves and felt the cool night air dry the sweat covering my body. I stumbled to the bathroom on wobbly hooves, flicking the light on and diving for the toilet just in time to empty the contents of my stomach into it.

“Fuck…” I mumbled, blearily looking at the remains of my dinner from last night.

I flushed the toilet and turned the sink faucet on, splashing some water in my face. I let myself calm down for a moment before looking up into the mirror, taking in the sight of the haggard mare looking back at me. Bloodshot grey eyes stared back at me, a frazzled silver mane sat on my head and my dark blue fur was stained with various fluids.

“Ugh, you look like shit,” I said to my reflection. She didn’t say anything back.

I glanced at the shower and paused, feeling the grime caked onto my fur and my mane, before sighing and using my magic to turn it on. I stepped into the spray, feeling it run in rivulets down my form, flattening my mane and washing away the filth covering me. I let out a sigh of relief and enjoyed the warmth, grabbing a sponge and some soap and letting my magic scrub away. I rinsed the suds out and turned the water off, reaching for a towel to dry myself with. I did my best to get the water out of my mane but it was still pretty damp. I looked at the blowdryer on the vanity for a moment before grabbing a scrunchie and tying my mane in a ponytail. I looked at my reflection again, nodding at the basically brand new mare.

“Better,” I said, getting a small smile back.

I stepped out of the bathroom into the darkness of the rest of my house. I flipped on the light, revealing the living room. The amount of trash on the floor turned the grin on my face into a frown and I sighed, chewing on my cheek for a moment before I groaned.

“Fuck it,” I muttered, picking my way across the room to the front door, opening it and flicking the light off behind me.

The outside air was refreshing and I filled my lungs, stepping down the stones leading from my door to the road. There was a small breeze and it made me shiver as the crisp autumn night enveloped me. I reached the road and turned right, my hooves carrying me for a bit before I stopped, realizing where I was unconsciously heading to.

“No, I don’t think we need to deal with that right now,” I mumbled to myself, turning and meandering my way down a road in the opposite direction.

I continued wandering for a few minutes, not entirely sure of where I was headed, just walking and taking in the night. I caught sight of some branches over the top of a roof and I came around the corner, finding myself at Twilight Sparkle’s library. I shuffled back and forth, wondering if I should even bother her. This late at night it’s a gamble on if she’s up studying or asleep in bed. I shook my head and went to turn away before my attention was grabbed by a candle moving in one of the windows. Well, somepony was up at least, that was good enough for me. I made my way to the door and knocked lightly, hoping I had been loud enough to be heard.

The door cracked open and a sleepy Spike murmured, “Sorry, library’s closed.” He rubbed his eye and looked up, brightening up when he noticed me, “Oh! Hey, Astra. What are you doing here so late,” he punctuated the question with a yawn, making me wince.

“Sorry Spike. I was on a walk and I saw that somepony was awake, I thought it might have been Twilight,” I said sheepishly.

He paused for a moment, turning and looking in the dark room behind him before opening the door, “I’m pretty sure she’s up, I heard her talking to herself. She’d probably bite my head off if I told her you came by and I closed the door on you.”

I smiled and stepped through the door, thanking him and making small talk as he finished preparing the snack he was making before I knocked. We walked upstairs together and he said goodnight as he departed into his room, leaving me standing alone in front of Twilight’s door. I reached up to knock on the door, pausing when I heard Twilight’s voice. I couldn’t hear what she was saying but there was a tinge of worry to her voice. I readied myself to knock again but was interrupted by another voice, this one higher pitched and unmistakable. I turned to walk away but was interrupted by the door opening.

Twilight shouted, “Well I’m going to find her,” before turning and catching me in the hallway. “Oh...I guess we don’t have to look very hard.”

I saw Rainbow Dash peek her head around the door frame and I felt my stomach drop. I gave them a small wave and chuckled awkwardly, “Heyyyy girls. What’s up?”

The three of us stood there awkwardly for a few moments before Twilight rushed forward, catching me off guard with a hug. “Astra, where have you been? I missed you yesterday!”

I gave her a quick hug back, my eyes flicking over to Dash before looking back to her. “Twilight, we saw each other like yesterday,” I said, cocking an eyebrow at her.

She tilted her head, her eyebrows knitting in concern as she asked, “Astra, what day do you think it is?”

“Ummmmm. Wednesday,” I said, leaving it as more of a question than an answer.

Twilight looked back at Dash and the two shared a look of concern. It was quiet until Dash broke the silence, “Dude, it’s Friday.”

“Oh…” There was nothing more I could really say other than that. “I don’t remember anything from the last few days then. I remember…” I trailed off, my eyes focusing on Dash before moving to the floor. “The last thing I remember is Monday night.”

Dash looked away and Twilight looked between the two of us, raising an eyebrow. “Well I’m glad to know that you’re okay at least. You are okay right? I can’t imagine you’d vanish for four days and appear in my house at midnight and not be okay.”

The bite in Twilight’s comment made me flinch and I shuffled my hooves awkwardly. “Sorry Twilight. I promise I’m fine, I didn’t mean to vanish on you girls.”

Dash spoke up, surprising me as she said, “You’re fine, just don’t do it again A.”

I gave her a small smile and felt my chest flutter as she returned it. The moment was broken by Twilight speaking up, “So, everything is fine, but why are you in my house at midnight after vanishing for four days?”

I blinked, thinking for a moment before brightening up, “Right! Twilight you’re smart, what does it mean when you have the same dream like...four, maybe five times in a row?”

She blinked at me, “Really, that’s it? You reappear and the only reason you’re here is because you keep having a dream?”

I nodded, “Uh-huh.”

She rolled her eyes, “I oughta be insulted, but I’ll make an exception for you.” I smiled at her and she continued, “Well I haven’t studied dreams very much but if it’s a recurring dream then it’s probably your subconscious trying to tell you something.”

I nodded along, “Okay but what if I’m sure that it’s a memory and not just a dream?”

Twilight blinked at me, opening her mouth before being pushed out of the way by a frantic Dash, “You’re remembering stuff?”

I was taken aback by the panic in her voice, “Well, no, not really. It’s just the one dream and I don’t actually know if it’s a memory. I just...I really feel like it is. It’s so,” I paused, searching for the right words before finishing lamely, “real.”

Dash let out a sigh of relief, causing both me and Twilight to look at each other in confusion. “Is everything okay,” I asked her.

Dash straightened up, glancing at me with a look in her eyes that I couldn’t decipher as she burst out, “Yeah, just fine, uh-huh. Couldn’t be better.”

Me and Twilight shared another look and she shook her head, “Right well why don’t you tell me about it and maybe we can figure it out together.”

I nodded and the three of us made our way downstairs, Twilight putting on a kettle for us as we got situated around her table. I explained the dream I had been having, sharing awkward glances with Dash as I did so, trying to figure out what had got her so riled up.

Twilight waited until I finished explaining to ask a question, “So, you say you’re sure this is a memory and not a dream, and I’m not discounting that but it sounds like you’re explaining an afterlife of some kind. How exactly could you have a memory like that? You’re clearly alive.”

I shrugged. “I can’t explain it, Twilight, I just know. I remember it so vividly, the snow, the fatigue, the warmth and comfort from that light. That...burning hatred.”

“Do you know why you were mad at that mare,” Dash asked, surprising me.

I was silent for a few moments, thinking as hard as I could before shaking my head, “No. I remember saying something about her ruining my life but I don’t remember what exactly I was thinking, just the surface of what I was feeling. I don’t really know how to explain it.”

Twilight spoke up, “Well it seems like your memory of it is impeccable which is rare for a dream, have you had any other dreams like this before?”

“Twilight I don’t even remember the last time I woke up remembering a dream, much less hours or days later,” I responded.

“Well there’s no real way to tell if it’s a dream or a memory so I guess we should just chalk it up to dream and move on, right,” Dash broke in.

Me and Twilight gave her confused looks and I spoke up first, “Why are you being weird about this?”

“I’m not being weird about anything,” Dash exclaimed. “I’m just saying that even if it’s a memory there’s no way to tell, and not to mention that that’s a pretty messed up memory! I mean, like, who even wants to remember something like dying.”

I furrowed my brow, “Dash, it’s not just about that one memory. What if that one memory could lead me to another. Maybe I can remember who I am.”

She huffed and responded, “Why do you even need to remember? Your life is in Ponyville. You have us, why do you need your old life anymore?”

I stood up, slamming my hooves on the table as I shouted at her, “HOW ABOUT YOU TRY AND LIVE YOUR LIFE NOT KNOWING ANYTHING ABOUT YOURSELF. I’ve been here for six months and I haven’t heard anything. Nopony has come looking for me, I haven’t remembered anything, I can’t even tell you what my fucking cutie mark is. Do you know how disheartening it is to watch days go by without any clue if you’re ever going to be yourself again? You don’t. You have no idea what it’s like, and I don’t want you to sit there and tell me what you think is best for me when this is the only lead I’ve had.”

I was near tears by the end and I felt like I was about to explode until Twilight laid her hoof on mine. “Astra, I get that it’s frustrating and scary not to know who you are, but just remember that we’re your friends. We care about you and we’re here to help you, no matter what.” She ended the sentence with a pointed look at Dash. Dash had the sense to look ashamed as Twilight continued, “I can think of one thing that might be able to help you. Princess Luna knows a lot about dreams and she helps ponies with nightmares all the time. Maybe I could send a letter to Celestia and ask her for Luna’s help.”

I sat down and wiped my eyes, giving Twilight a smile, “Do you think she would help?”

Twilight nodded back, “Of course she’ll help, the Princesses are always willing to help.”

“Thank you Twilight,” I said, slumping forward onto the table.

Dash spoke up quietly, causing me to look up and meet her eyes, “A, I’m sorry. I don’t know what it’s like to not know anything about myself, and I wasn’t trying to stop you from finding out about yourself, I just worry that you’re going to leave us if you find out that you have a better life somewhere else.”

I smiled at her and felt my chest flutter again, “Dash, I swear I’m not going anywhere, no matter how cushy of a life I might have had before. Ponyville is my home now.”

I reached across the table and laid my hoof on top of hers. She left it there for a moment before curling hers around mine, squeezing my hoof reassuringly. We all stood up from the table and Twilight assured me she would send the letter tomorrow morning as soon as Spike woke up. She saw me and Dash to the door and the two of us stepped out into the chilly air, wishing Twilight a nice night. She closed the door on us and we began walking together, falling into silence as we made our way away from the tree house.

We reached my house first and the two of us lingered under the moonlight. I felt that flutter in my chest again as I looked at her, the moonlight framing her in shadows in a way that made her look exquisite. I paused for a moment, taking it in, before I gave a sigh and sat down.

“Can we…talk?” Dash turned her eyes away as I asked the question. “I just…”

The silence returned with force as Dash looked down at the ground, shuffling her forehoof in the dirt, trying to distract herself. I searched for something to say, but came up with nothing and spent the next tense moments berating myself. I sighed again and turned, stepping softly on the stones as I made my way inside my house. I closed the door behind me and slumped against it, closing my eyes and taking deep breaths. I felt tears welling up, hot and heavy and I berated myself, trying to hold them back before a sob sounded in my throat and I broke down, crying on the floor.

Author's Note

Hey there! Been a while since I've posted anything, but I had an idea bouncing around in my head that wouldn't go away and the only thing that would help was to write. I'm not sure how often this is going to update but I'm going to try and make it a weekly thing, and if you happen to see any mistakes or anything be sure to let me know in the comments! It really helps out, and I appreciate the read! And yes, the description of Astra about halfway through the chapter is intentional.

Questions

My first week in Ponyville was...weird. I was constantly in a state of loss, unsure of how I should act around these ponies, and fully considerate of every action I took, in the event that I could somehow glean the smallest bit of information about myself in some way. I didn’t come up with much, and Twilight also didn’t manage to come up with anything through her trials. There were fliers put up at the local towns surrounding Ponyville, advertising about me being missing, and asking for anypony with any information to visit Twilight. Nothing had come out of that after about a week and I would have lost hope if it hadn’t been for Rainbow Dash and her friends. Rainbow Dash had taken to hanging around with me any chance she could and I caught her just staring at me a lot, a look on her face that I couldn’t even begin to describe. Anytime I asked if she was okay, she’d blink, look surprised, and stutter out that she was fine. I didn’t believe her but I left it alone.

I wandered around Ponyville, taking in the sights and meeting all the new ponies. I also had to take care to not strain myself too hard. Despite what I’d told Applejack I still felt like I’d been scraped raw and run over by a train, aches settled deep in my bones and bruises all over my grey coat, darkening the flesh underneath. There weren’t any major cuts or breaks, Twilight had apparently used magic to heal those, and the only sign that I’d been hurt was the scar that was on my cheek, which had been a gaping open wound according to Twilight that she could only do so much for. And so, I found myself attempting to prevent a limp from showing how I felt as Rainbow Dash led me across town.

It was late afternoon and all I wanted to do was go back to Applejack’s farm, but Rainbow Dash had said that there was something that she really had to show me and it couldn’t wait. I sighed and begrudgingly followed her through the empty streets of town, catching sight of a pony here and there as we walked, but not much more. It was mostly quiet between us until Rainbow Dash broke the silence with a question.

“How’s Ponyville treating you? I know it’s only been a few days, but I just want to make sure that nopony is giving you a hard time.” She beamed at me as she spoke and I felt a comfort in that smile that made my heart skip a beat.

I thought about it for a moment before I spoke, “It’s...strange here. I don’t really remember where I lived before but the amount of...genuine niceness here keeps surprising me. I don’t think ponies were this nice where I used to live.”

Rainbow Dash frowned and slowed, coming to a stop and turning to face me. She seemed deep in her thoughts before she finally opened her mouth and asked, “I know this question is probably getting old, but are you sure you don’t remember...anything? Like, even the smallest bit about anything?”

I frowned and shook my head, “No, I wish I could though. I would love to know anything about myself and how I got stuck with that inhibitor and a timberwolf chasing me.” I watched her face as I spoke and her frown turned into a grimace, causing me to furrow my eyebrows. She wasn’t telling me something but I couldn’t force myself to ask her what it was. I frowned and sighed before speaking, “Rainbow Dash, I promise that if I manage to remember something you’ll be the first pony I come to.”

That seemed to ease her mind and she gave me a comforting smile, “Hey, we’re gonna figure this out, okay? You have Equestria’s best, here in Ponyville.”

I sat in silence for a moment, lost in thought. I could tell that there was something that she wasn’t telling me, but I didn’t know if she had told Twilight or not. I couldn’t start distrusting the ponies that were my only lifeline at the moment though. Without them I would be lost, and as far as I could see, they were really trying to help me. I made up my mind and turned to Rainbow Dash. “Okay, I trust you.”

She was silent for a moment, before saying quietly, “Thank you.” There was an awkward silence between us after that until she rolled her eyes and gave me a light bump with her shoulder, almost shouting as she said, “And hey, stop being so formal with the ‘Rainbow Dash’, you can call me Dash.”

I chuckled and bumped her back, “Okay, I can work with that, Dash. You can call me A in that case, how’s that sound?”

“Sounds awesome,” she said, smiling at me. She seemed to ease up after that and we resumed our trek back across the town, with Dash refusing to tell me where we were going until we arrived in front of Sugarcube Corner, the bakery that Pinkie Pie worked at. I opened the door and was greeted with darkness. I glanced at Dash and she nodded towards the door so I stepped up, taking a step into the dark shop before falling onto my rear as the lights cut on, streamers popped into the air, and I was greeted with a large group of ponies shouting, “WELCOME TO PONYVILLE.”

Pinkie Pie was at the front of the group and she gave a giggle at my stunned expression, turning on some music before skipping over to me and putting a party hat on my head, brushing some streamers from my mane. “Sorry I took so long getting this party together, Twilight wouldn’t let me throw you a party until you were all better,” she said with a pout, making eye contact with Twilight in the crowd and narrowing her eyes at her.

Twilight let out a giggle as she made her way over to us, her expression turning slightly somber as she met my eyes, “Hey Astra, how are you doing?”

I smiled at her, “Hey Twilight, I’d say that I’ve been either worse or better, but I’m not sure which statement is true, so I’m just gonna say that I’m okay.”

She smiled sadly at me, “Hey, I promise we’re doing all that we can to try and figure out what happened and who you are Astra.”

“I know you are, Twilight, and I appreciate it, I just wish there was something else I could do to help out,” I muttered, looking down at my hooves.

Pinkie frowned at my sentence and spoke up, “Hey! This is a party, time to get happy, not get down! Let’s go dance.”

I laughed as Pinkie grabbed mine and Twilight’s hooves, dragging us to a makeshift dance floor that she had put together, getting into the groove of the music immediately. Me and Twilight both followed her movements as best we could, but it was very apparent both of us weren’t dancers by the way we both barely could keep up with the beat. I glanced over at Twilight and had to stop myself from busting out laughing at the awkward way she was dancing. If I could even call that dancing. Dash came over with two slices of cake and passed one to me, a smile on her face as she watched us. I took the cake and nodded to Dash, making my way out of the group to a table to eat my cake, Dash following me and sitting down next to me.

I slowly ate the cake as I gazed out over the party, watching ponies interact and have fun. I turned to catch Dash watching me intently, and I cocked an eyebrow, “What?”

She blinked and looked away, muttering under her breath. I nudged her and she turned back to me, “I’m just trying to figure you out.”

I let out a laugh, “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It’s just that, like...one moment you’re so serious, and the next you’re so chill and having fun,” she said.

I was silent for a moment, thinking, before I spoke. “I guess I’m still lost. I still haven’t figured myself out, I don’t know who I’m supposed to be, how I’m supposed to act. It’s...frustrating. I keep bouncing between two extremes. I don’t know how to handle it.”

The two of us were silent after that and I spent the rest of the party in the corner, taking tiny bites of my cake as I became lost in my thoughts. Before I knew it the party was wrapping up and ponies were heading home, me, Dash, and Twilight being the last few to leave. Twilight’s library was the opposite direction from where me and Dash were going so we said our goodbyes and went our way. The walk was silent, but not stifling, as I gazed up at the stars, getting lost in the constellations and tripping over a branch in the road. I fell on my face and felt a blush rising to my cheeks as I heard Dash snicker to herself.

I fumbled my way back to my hooves as Dash asked, “You good there, A? Don’t think I’ve seen anypony take a tumble like that in a bit.”

“Yeah,” I grumbled, “I was just looking at the stars.” She looked up at the sky, her eyes searching for something before looking back to me. “I dunno what it is, but they feel calming looking at them. They feel familiar.”

Dash shook her head and let out a little laugh. “You’re one weird pony, you know that?”

I snickered and nudged her with my shoulder, saying goodnight and making my way down the path to Applejack’s farm. Most of the Apple family was already asleep when I arrived, the only sound in the house being Applejack in the kitchen, cleaning up the dishes from dinner earlier that night. I silently made my way up the stairs and into the bathroom to clean myself up. I glanced in the mirror and paused, taking in the sight of the pony staring back at me. My fur was orange, my mane was blue, and my eyes were grey. There was something tingling at the back of my mind and I tried to focus on it, doing all in my might to pull at the thread that was stuck. I felt it give and a faint voice echoed from somewhere deep in my head, that’s not what I look like.

I stood staring at the mirror, studying myself and wondering where that had come from. I leaned a little closer, taking a deep look at myself, trying to figure out what I was feeling. I pulled at my eyelid, getting a full view of my iris, trying to discern what was wrong with it. I let it go and ran my left hoof up my right forehoof, feeling the fur and spreading it, studying the individual hairs. I dropped my hooves and used my magic to pluck a strand of hair from my mane, scrutinizing it but coming up with nothing. I couldn’t figure out what was causing me to have this moment and I huffed, letting the hair drop and gazing at my reflection again. The exasperated expression on my face catching me by surprise.

A knock on the door caused me to jump and I quickly scrambled to open it, coming face to face with Applejack. She smiled at me and whispered, “Ya all right sugarcube, been in there for a bit.”

I nodded to her and mumbled that I was just tired, and that I’d kinda dozed off. She nodded and continued down the hall to her room, flashing a smile back over her shoulder before heading in. I turned the light out and made my way to my room. I closed the door behind me and sat in front of the window, looking out on the farm before turning my gaze to the stars.

“Who am I,” I asked them.

I arrived at the train station with sleep still in my eyes. It was still early morning and the sun hadn’t even begun to peek over the horizon. The station was mostly empty, except for the pony at the ticket booth, and Twilight and Rarity both waiting for me. I bought my ticket to Canterlot and went to sit next to them, mumbling a good morning as we waited for the train. A thermos was levitated in front of me, and I looked up to see Rarity offering it. I nodded and took it, opening it and breathing deeply as the glorious smell of coffee rose out to greet me. I took a large swig, savoring the taste, before putting the lid back on and passing it back to her. I mumbled a thanks and leaned back, closing my eyes. Twilight and Rarity were having a quiet conversation but I wasn’t paying any attention, almost drifting back to sleep until I heard the screech of brakes signaling the arrival of the train.

We began boarding the train and it wasn’t until we sat down in our booth that I paused, glancing out and down the car before turning back to Twilight. “Where’s Dash at,” I asked her.

“Oh, did she not tell you,” she questioned, tilting her head. “She had something come up so she isn’t coming with us. Sorry for not mentioning it, I kinda assumed that you two would have talked about it.”

I was quiet, not sure how to tell Twilight that I hadn’t seen Dash since the night at the tree house. “Right, of course, I probably just forgot about it,” I muttered.

Rarity and Twilight shared a look and I could tell they didn’t believe me, but neither of them called me out on it. The trip to Canterlot was uneventful, just a quiet ride with no real interruptions. Rarity and Twilight shared a conversation and I added to it from time to time, but I was muted for most of it, stuck in my own head. After a bit I began to doze off again, being woken up by Twilight once we’d arrived in Canterlot, the train pulling into the station just as the sun was peeking over the horizon. We stepped off, passing by a few other ponies who were getting on, leaving us on a mostly empty platform. I felt something nagging at the back of my mind but I couldn’t grab whatever the thought was before it vanished, leaving me annoyed.

I gave my eye a rub and yawned, turning to Twilight as she began to speak, “Okay, so we’re gonna head to the castle first if that’s fine, Princess Luna isn’t going to be up much longer.”

Rarity nodded, “Of course darling, wouldn’t want to keep royalty waiting after all!”

I chuckled and we began moving up the mostly empty streets. Canterlot was a lot different from Ponyville. Most of the town was up and active by this time, but the streets were barely active this early in the morning. The nagging feeling in the back of my head came back and I still couldn’t figure out what it was, huffing mostly to myself but causing Twilight and Rarity to pause their conversation and look over to me.

“Are you alright dear,” Rarity spoke up.

I waved my hoof at her, “Yeah, yeah, I’m alright. Just got something on my mind.”

“Is it about Rainbow,” Rarity asked, causing me to stumble for a moment.

“N-no, of course not,” I stuttered out, my face heating up. “I just have this feeling that I can’t figure out right now.”

Twilight perked up at that, “What do you mean, like something is familiar, or?”

I scrunched up my nose, trying to grab onto the thought that was so evasive, getting exasperated and sitting on my haunches, looking at Twilight. I opened my mouth to say something but I cut myself off as I caught sight of a massive gate just up ahead and at the sight of it the thought unraveled.

“I know this place.”

Rarity and Twilight followed my eyes, taking in the sight of the gate. It was black iron, standing taller than three ponies probably would on top of each other. The top was curved elegantly and gave off an air of refinement, and right in the middle of it was a crest. There were two shooting stars crossing each other, creating an X right in the middle of the gate. My eyes turned to the house beyond the gate and I was greeted with a mansion imposing itself on the horizon, doing it’s best to hold off the light of day, to keep the night closer. I felt an emotion well up and I unconsciously brought a hoof up to my chest, reaching for something that wasn’t there. I paused, trying to take stock of myself, and figure out what was happening to me, but my thoughts were broken by the sight of Twilight and Rarity both looking at me strangely.

“What,” I asked.

“Your eyes…” Twilight said slowly.

Rarity stepped forward, settling a hoof on my shoulder, “Are you alright darling?”

I looked into Rarity’s eyes, confused by the concern I was being shown. “I...Yeah, I’m fine,” I managed to get out, a sense of worry growing slowly. “Can...Can we just go already?” I started walking, leaving the two of them standing there, taking a glance back at the gate and house before turning and continuing.

I heard the two of them say something before they caught up with me and when I looked back at them they caught my eyes before looking confused at each other. I turned away, keeping to myself, not wanting to drag up what had just happened. After that the jovial conversation between Twilight and Rarity was gone, replaced by hushed mutterings between the two. I wanted to tell them about what I felt but I couldn’t figure it out, and as I turned my emotions over and over in my head I finally came to the realization. I was ashamed. Of what I couldn’t figure out, but it was the most prevalent emotion that I was feeling and I hated the way it tasted on my tongue. I was so lost in my head that it wasn’t until a spear was blocking my way that I realized we had reached the castle.

Twilight stepped up, the guards recognizing her and letting us in, our group quiet as we made our way through the castle entrance. A servant appeared and said something to Twilight but I had slipped back into my thoughts, tuning out everything else as I tried to figure out what about seeing that house had caused me to feel so ashamed. I hadn’t come up with anything by the time we’d reached where we were going, and the servant opened the door, Twilight stepping in first, me and Rarity following behind her.

The room was dark, the stained glass tinted to reduce the amount of light coming through, making candles the most light that the room was receiving. There was a large chandelier on the ceiling, as well as a few candles on the table in the center of the room. There were a few chairs around it and at the head of the table sat a large dark figure. My eyes adjusted further and I made out the form of what I could only assume was Princess Luna. She was tall and had dark blue fur, with beautiful bright blue eyes, and her mane looked like the night sky, waving slowly like there was some breeze in the room that I couldn’t feel. I felt a rush of emotions, too many to keep track of, before I eventually settled on some sense of...comfort.

Twilight spoke up first, “Thank you for seeing us Princess Luna, I know you usually don’t stay up too long after the sun comes up.”

Princess Luna nodded, “Of course, Twilight. Anything for you and your friends. Now, I know you said one of your friends was having trouble with dreams, but you weren’t entirely clear in your letter about what the issue was.”

Twilight blushed, “Right, sorry about that, it was early and Spike was trying to sleep so I kept it brief. This is my friend Astra, she’s been having some weird dreams that she’d like your help with.”

Twilight took a step to the side, giving Luna an unobstructed view of me, and I swear that I could see the smile on her face falter. It was only for a moment, replaced by what I thought was sadness, but it was quickly followed with what looked like a strained smile. “Of course, I’d love to help your friend, why don’t you two take a tour of the grounds while I talk to her.” Luna walked over and helped the two of them out the door, and I caught Rarity’s eyes just before the door closed, leaving just us in the silent room.

I thought that being alone in a room with a Princess would garner some form of a reaction out of me but I felt entirely calm, not counting the strange rush of emotions that I was still trying to figure out. The two of us took a seat at the table and she met my eyes, silent for a moment before asking, “How can I help you…Astra?”

I explained to her that I had woken up in Ponyville with no memory of who I was, along with the dream that I had been having the past few nights, and her eyes widened for a moment before she looked out the window, lost in thought. I was silent, watching her as she seemed to battle something in her mind.

“I’d like to see that dream, if you don’t mind,” she finally said.

“Of course, Luna, whatever you need,” I said, pausing for a moment, wondering where the casualness had just come from.

She paused for a moment, as if she was going to say something before thinking better of it. She stood up before speaking, moving next to my chair, “Alright then, I’ll need to put you to sleep, if that’s okay with you.” I nodded and after a few moments of intense examination that left me feeling almost uncomfortable, she leaned down, touching her horn to my forehead. I heard her whisper something under her breath but I couldn’t make it out as a wave of sleep overtook me and I drifted off.

I was there in the dream again, but I was conscious of the fact that this was a dream, and I felt like a passenger in my own body, detached as I watched the events play out again. I barely felt the biting wind and pelting snow like I had the last few times, and I could only barely make out the feeling of my body moving, drifting forward through the snow. The light appeared again, and I faintly felt the warmth of it, but this time I was aware of something new. There was a voice, shouting a name, and I managed to turn my attention in a direction that my body hadn’t been paying attention to during the events of the dream. I saw a pony shuffling their way through the storm, shouting out a name.

It took a few moments for me to make out the name they were shouting.

Apollo.

The name caused a spike to appear in my forehead and I felt myself cringe as the pain rocked me. I couldn’t do anything to help myself though and I could only writhe in agony in my own head as I struggled to deal with a voice that had risen to a crescendo, overpowering anything that I managed to try and think about. After an eternity of blinding pain, a voice finally broke through the pain, with the line, “You’re dead.” I felt the bite of the cold return and the ache in my body became present, almost like I was reuniting with myself in some weird way. The voice went silent and I could do nothing but sit there in relief, staring at the pony standing opposite me in the cold, a sharp wind coming and blowing me over, my body landing in the snow as all the strength left it.

My hearing seemed to falter for a moment as my thoughts became scrambled. My senses slowly focused on the mare in front of me again as she began to speak, “Please, we can go back. I can bring you out of here, you just have to trust me.” I didn’t reply, sitting limply in the snow as my brain simply struggled along, trying to comprehend the information that I had been fed. The mare finally spoke up after a few moments, “I’m sorry Apollo, I just...I never meant this to go this way. I only wanted to help you become who you wanted to be.”

The mare looked at me for a few more moments, a few tears drifting down her cheeks, staining her dark blue fur, before she began to turn away from me. I felt a pressure rise in my chest and suddenly a burning erupted in my body, causing me to scream. The mare turned back to me, her sadness turning into fear as her eyes took in my body writhing on the ground. I felt like I was being pulled apart, aches burning deep in my body, and pain flaring up all along my form. My cheek felt like it was being torn off and I felt like I was choking on some fluid. I managed to cough and saw the snow in front of me turn red with blood. The mare appeared in front of me and I managed to choke out a name before I felt myself being ripped away, tumbling head over heels into the darkness.

My eyes shot open and I managed to turn to catch sight of Luna for only a moment and I began to feel her name bubble up in my throat, trying to scrape its way out, before her horn lit up and I suddenly found myself teleported in front of Twilight and Rarity. “Luna!” I shouted, scaring my friends and causing Twilight to stumble back.

Rarity cocked her eyebrow at me and asked, “Are you alright darling?”

I took a few moments to try and compose myself, still feeling shaky on my hooves and unsure of what had just happened, but sure that I needed to talk to Luna. “Twilight I need to see Luna again, take me back,” I fumbled out, grabbing onto her and almost collapsing.

“Hey, woah, okay. Calm down Astra, we’ll go see her, it’s okay,” Twilight said, trying to comfort me. She shared a look with Rarity and the two of them nodded at each other, before moving to either side of me to help steady me along.

We made our way back to the room I had met Luna in, but there was nopony there, and we learned that Luna had retired to her room for the day, having already stayed up much later than she usually does. I almost collapsed on the spot, unsure of what to do now. Twilight and Rarity managed to help me to an out of the way hall where we took a moment, both of them trying to ask me questions but neither getting much of an answer from me. They shared a look and Twilight motioned her head to the side, dragging Rarity a few steps away, around the corner so they could have a conversation.

I barely paid them attention, staring down at my hooves as I struggled to drag my thoughts together. A door across the hall opened and I lifted my head, making eye contact with the mare exiting the room. She was a unicorn with white fur, a black mane, and light green eyes. The sight of her dragged forth some distant feeling that I was too exhausted to even try and comprehend right now. She caught sight of me and her eyes went wide, almost fearful as she took in the state that I was in. I forced myself to my hooves and muttered out an apology as I dragged myself around the corner, interrupting Rarity and Twilight’s heated conversation.

“Let’s go home.”

I made the trek from Applejack’s farm back to my house, tired after a long day of work. I felt exhausted, and I probably looked it too. Applejack was not an easy boss, and even after four months of work I was still an exhausted mess after most days of work. I was lost in my own thoughts and it wasn’t until I made it to the stone walkway to my door that I realized somepony was following me. I looked over my shoulder to find Fluttershy standing a few paces back.

“How long have you been following me,” I asked her, getting a small squeak out of her.

“Well, when you got to the market, I saw you and I tried to call you but I guess it was kind of loud so you didn’t hear me, so I followed you, and I thought about tapping you on the shoulder to try and get your attention but I didn’t know how you’d handle that so I didn’t but then I thought about the fact that we don’t really know each other that well so it would be a little strange if I was just walking next to you so I stayed a little bit back,” she rushed out in one breath, leaving me a little dazed.

I raised my hooves, trying to pacify her, “Woah, hey, it’s fine Fluttershy.” I tried to give her a calming smile but I wasn’t sure it was doing anything so instead I asked, “Why don’t you come inside and we can talk about whatever it is you needed me for. I imagine it’s gotta be somewhat important for you to follow me halfway across town.” That seemed to mollify her a little and she nodded, taking a timid step towards me. I walked up the path and opened the door, leading the way in and motioning her in. She closed the door behind her and I flicked the light on, pausing at the trash littering the floor. “Right, I needed to clean.” I turned back to her, “Sorry Fluttershy, I wasn’t expecting company.”

Fluttershy let out a little giggle, “It’s fine Astra, my house gets like this sometimes too. Taking care of animals isn’t always a clean job.” I shuffled uncomfortably for a moment, sure that she was just trying to be nice before using my magic to shove a majority of the trash to the other side of the living room, making space for us to walk and sit, Fluttershy on the couch and me on the chair next to her. “So, I asked Zecora to help me with the problem asked me about, and she came up with this potion,” she said, whisking out a vial filled with a green sludge. “This should let you test for any trace of magic, no matter how small that trace might be.”

I reached out and took it from her, “Thank you so much Fluttershy, I really appreciate this.”

She smiled, “Of course, anything to help my friends out. Just make sure you stay safe, I know it’s Whitetail Woods and there haven’t been any sightings but you never know.”

I nodded, “Of course Fluttershy, I’m sure Dash will love her gift.”

We had a small conversation after that about nothing in particular before she eventually left. I closed the door behind her and leaned back against it, holding the vial in my magic before me, a sense of dread building in my stomach as I stared at it. “Please Dash, be right. Just this once, be right.”

I waited an hour or so, before I got so antsy that I just left, heading for the edge of town. I could see the forest just past the edge of town and I slowly walked towards it, the sun beginning to set on the edge of the horizon, painting the sprouting leaves a deep shade of orange. I reached the edge of the forest and I paused, looking up at the cliffside of Canterlot, just above and out of reach. I felt a small twinge in my chest and I brushed it away, making my way into the forest. The crunching of leaves and sticks was accompanied by the sounds of the forest, animals skittering through the trees and underbrush, birds tweeting at each other, and the chirping of bugs. But none of it could distract me from the path that I was taking, one that I had walked many times in the last couple months. I finally reached a clearing, taking in the sight of a scrape in the ground, still not quite filled in after these few months. I pulled the potion out, and uncorked it, giving it a sniff and wrinkling up my nose. Something smelled burnt coming out of it and I tensed up as I raised it to my lips, downing it in one quick gulp. I held my mouth closed, trying to prevent myself from throwing it back up. I managed to keep it down and I took a deep breath to steady myself. I felt out with my magic, lifting up a stick and watching as an aura overtook the stick, bringing it close to myself. The aura was a bright grey, almost close to white but not quite there. I channeled a bunch of energy into the stick, dropping it and watching as it glowed, almost casting a light on the rest of the clearing before my eyes. The potion was working. I took a long look around the rest of the clearing, looking to see if I could spy anything else glittering in the rapidly approaching darkness, but I could find nothing.

I began to feel a small pressure build in my chest and I began to take hurried steps around the edge of the clearing, peering around trees and parting bushes, looking for the smallest hint of a glow. Looking for something to prove my fears wrong. Looking for anything to prove that there had been a timberwolf here. I wasn’t seeing anything and the pressure began to build stronger and stronger in my chest, my hoof steps building faster and faster, tearing through the underbrush and almost hyperventilating, catching on a branch and stumbling, falling into the clearing on my back. A sob wretched itself from my throat, and I curled up into a ball, looking up into the sky as stars began to appear, my eyes too watery to be able to make out any particular ones as they all blurred together. I felt a tear escape down my cheek and a dam broke, a wail almost choking me as it escaped from my chest, wracking me with a pain in my heart as I began sobbing into the night.

She’d lied to me.

Author's Note

Got this chapter done a little early so I decided to just go ahead and post it. Be sure to let me know if I messed up anything, or if you just have something you'd like to say about my story! I appreciate the reads and I'll have the next chapter out soon!

Discovery

“Daaaaaaash,” I groaned, standing on a large stump, sweating my ass off despite the surprisingly cool breeze blowing through the ravine. “How much longer are we going to be going? I’m dying over here.”

Dash looked back over her shoulder, standing at the top of a hump in the path. She gave a small huff, “Are all unicorns this unathletic? Twilight gets a pass, she’s the biggest bookworm I know, and I guess I’ll give Rarity a pass too, but I don’t think I’ve seen a unicorn doing any form of exercise before.”

“Hey, I’ll have you know I worked at Applejack’s farm until about a month ago,” I huffed out, struggling to catch my breath.

Dash gave me a smirk over her shoulder, “Yeah, and? You don’t get this athletic just by working on a farm for a couple months.”

I took a moment to look her over, admiring the sheen of sweat on her muscles. The slight flare of her wings drew my eyes next as they tried to keep her from overheating, while also showing off her feathers in a way that drew my eyes to her breast, heaving slightly from exertion. She flipped her mane, drawing my eyes to hers and I gave her a smile as I said, “Yeah yeah, whatever you say Ms. Future Wonderbolt. We can’t all have such high aspirations as you.” I stepped off the stump I had been resting on, making my way up the hump, bumping Dash with my hip as said, “And besides, it’s not like I have any ambitions to leave Ponyville just yet.”

Dash got quiet for a moment after that, turning to look over the horizon, the setting sun turning the sky a deep red. She finally spoke, sounding somber, “Hey A, what happens if you get your memory back?”

I turned my eyes to the horizon as well, the trickle of the river a few hoof steps away being the only sound between the two of us. I was stuck thinking, wondering just what I would do if I ever got my memory back, but unsure of what I could say. “I can’t say Dash, I suppose if I got my memory back I’d love to go find my old life.” I saw her ears lower a little out of the corner of my eye, and I couldn’t help but feel a small flutter in my chest. “But,” I added, “I don’t think that I could leave Ponyville. You girls have been so good to me, and I feel like I’ve really made a life here in Ponyville, I don’t know how I could ever leave it. Especially not you.” I felt my cheeks heat up slightly as I said those words, but a small part of my mind whispered faintly. There was no timberwolf. I felt like a cold bucket of water had been dumped on me and my mood soured almost immediately. “Let’s get going,” I said, stepping forward down the path. “And you still haven’t told me where we’re heading to.”

Dash seemed stunned for a moment, muttering to herself under her breath and I could imagine her rolling her eyes behind me, putting a small smile on my face despite my mood. She took the lead in front of me, brashly exclaiming, “Well if I just told you then it wouldn’t be a surprise. You’ll see when we get there.”

We were mostly quiet for the next hour of walking, just the heavy breathing as we both followed the path in silence. I used a spell to help light the way once the sun had fully set and soon enough the hill rose and the trees broke away, revealing a clear view of the night sky, the moon barely peeking over the horizon and beginning to give a fair bit of light. I took a step forward and Dash held out a wing, stopping me and causing me to notice that we were at the edge of a sheer cliff.

I turned to her, opening my mouth to ask a question, but she cut me off, “I know you like to look at stars and I heard Twilight complaining about how light Ponyville can get sometimes, and with Canterlot in the way as well I imagine it gets kind of hard to see them sometimes.”

I was quiet for a moment, looking up, my eyes tracing the constellations that I had come to learn over the last few months. I turned to Dash and met eyes with her, a small smile on my face as I said, “Hey Dash…”

“Yeah, what’s up A,” she said softly, so quiet, as if she was scared.

“I don’t have my telescope,” I said bluntly, holding back a laugh and watching as her nose scrunched up.

She was silent for a moment, looking like she couldn’t make up her mind if she wanted to yell at me or if she wanted to laugh with me. And then her lips were on mine, drawing a surprised yelp from me as she leaned into me, fast and aggressive. I lost my balance a bit and I tripped back, falling onto my rear with Dash following me, leaning farther into the kiss before she had to adjust, pulling back with a small flap of her wings to help stabilize herself. I blinked, unsure of what had just happened. I met eyes with Dash again and her face gave away the worry and the fear in her eyes, scared of how I would react. And how was I going to react? My brain felt scrambled, thoughts flying left and right, each of them trying to find a place, but none of them able to find any grip except for one.

“There was no timberwolf.”

Her face paled and the worry in her eyes turned to pure fear. “W-w-what do you mean?”

I sat solemn for a moment, my mind pushing out the moment that had just happened and focusing on the statement I had just made. There was no timberwolf. I was so sure of that but I had been so worried about confronting her about it and I had finally done it. It felt awful, but I had already started this, and I couldn’t back out now if I wanted to get any answers.

“Dash, I know,” I pressed, taking a small step forward, almost pleading with her as I spoke. “Please, I know that there was no timberwolf. I don’t know why you lied about it but I need you to tell me. I just want to know.”

She was quiet, looking away, trying to gather her thoughts together. “I...I don’t know what you’re talking about Astra. I saved you from a timberwolf, and I brought you to Twilight,” her voice took on a hard tone, as if she was trying to convince me simply through conviction. But I knew, and I wasn’t going to let go that easy, I needed answers.

I took another step forward, rising off my haunches and almost getting in Dash’s face, “Look, Dash. I went to the woods. I found the spot. There was no magic there. There was no timberwolf. There never was.” I leaned even farther forward, my nose almost touching hers. “Why are you lying to me, Rainbow Dash?”

I felt my head snap to the right and I felt a pain fill my jaw, a groan leaving my lips, and something warm filling my mouth before I spit, seeing a dark liquid splash on the ground, glistening in the moonlight. I looked up at Rainbow Dash, finding her standing there, one hoof hanging in the air, a shocked look on her face. I took a step back, followed by another after a moment, and before I knew it I had turned and I was walking, the blood rushing in my ears and my jaw aching, occasionally having to spit the blood from my mouth. I heard hoof steps behind me and I turned, catching her following a few steps behind me.

“Stop following me,” I growled.

“I have to go back to Ponyville too you know,” she said, not meeting my gaze.

“Then fly, I want to be alone right now,” I said, continuing forward.

“A, I’m sorry,” she shouted after me, causing me to pause and turn.

“For punching me, or for lying to me?”

She was silent, and I turned away for the last time. I arrived back into town, making the lonely trek to my house, only one or two ponies out this late at night. The door closed behind me and I flicked the light on, looking at the mess on the floor, sighing to myself and picking my way into the kitchen. I made my way to the cabinet above the fridge, opening it and using my magic to reach the top shelf at the back, pulling out a bottle of Sweet Apple Acres Hard Cider. The amber liquid sloshed around and I felt the pain in my chest swell for a moment, causing my eyes to water and I had to sniff, forcing the emotions down.

“Thanks for the housewarming gift Applejack,” I muttered to myself, pulling the top off and taking a hard swig straight from the bottle.

It had been two months since the visit to Luna, and Twilight hadn’t been able to get any form of a response from her. She had asked Princess Celestia about it but was told that Luna had a lot of work and unfortunately couldn’t respond. I didn’t believe her, but I couldn’t tell Twilight that. I didn’t know what to tell her anyway, that there was something about Luna? That wouldn’t do anything, especially because if she pressed, I wouldn’t even be able to tell her what it was that I was so intent on because not even I could figure out what I wanted to confront Luna about. Anytime I thought back to that moment, frozen in time, the two of us just staring at each other. The look in her eyes and on her face, betraying something major that she was so...afraid of. And then there was the mansion that we saw, that I could almost desperately feel myself drawn towards, but I couldn’t force myself to go back. How would I explain being there? Hey there, I just had a really weird moment looking at the gate to your mansion, could I just come in and look around real quick? I couldn’t see that going very well.

Rarity spoke, breaking me out of my thoughts, and I had to glance up, unsure of what she had just said to me. “I’m sorry, what was that,” I asked, trying to politely tell her that I wasn’t listening to the conversation.

She gave a sharp click of her tongue and leveled her gaze at me, clearly slightly frustrated, “I asked if you had seen this new pony moving to town. Are you alright Astra? You’ve been very out of it lately. Have you been working too hard again? I know that you work for the Princesses but that shouldn’t force you to work too much.”

I gave a small huff, “I’m fine Rarity, I’ve just got a lot on my mind. And I’ve told you before, I don’t work for the Princesses, they just subsidize the research that I do.”

Rarity waved a hoof at me, sounding slightly haughty as she spoke, “Yes, yes darling, of course, but it sounds so much better if you get introduced as working for the Princesses.”

I rolled my eyes, scoffing, “And no, I haven’t met her yet. I did see her stuff getting moved in though, saw a lot of books, and some telescopes.”

“Oh great, another egghead,” I heard over my shoulder, turning and catching sight of Rainbow Dash.

“Rainbow Dash,” Rarity exclaimed, feigning a swoon. “How brutish!”

She waved a hoof, “Yeah yeah, whatever.”

It was the first time I’d been this close to Rainbow Dash in the last two months, and the sight of her put a small pain in my chest. I elected not to push the issue, leaving the comment hanging, and turning back to the front door of Sugarcube Corner just as Pinkie rushed in the door.

“EVERYPONY DOWN, SHE’S COMING,” Pinkie shouted, causing me to cringe a little at the volume she reached.

“Well if she didn’t know about the party before she definitely knows now,” I heard Rainbow Dash mutter from behind me.

The lights cut out and everypony got quiet, waiting in anticipation for the door to open. The door slowly opened and a pony slowly stepped in, her frame being lit by the light coming in through the door, obscuring her features. She took a step in, letting out a quiet, “H-hello?”

The lights kicked on and we all gave out a hearty, “WELCOME TO PONYVILLE!” I trailed off in the middle of mine, the lack of a voice not noticed in the crowd. I recognized the mare, but I couldn’t figure out where I’d seen her, and it took a few moments of studying her for it to click. The white coat, the black mane, and the light green eyes, it all clicked and I found myself remembering my trip to Canterlot, right before we had left. The door had opened and I met her eyes, feelings dredging themselves up that I had been too tired to try and figure out. But now I wasn’t exhausted, and all of those feelings came rushing back, making me very aware that she was staring wide eyed at me. The mess of feelings slowly untangled and I felt panic rise to the top, and I began to hyperventilate until Pinkie appeared, breaking our line of sight as she spoke to the mare. I quietly ducked to the back of the group, looking to get away from her. I made my way into the empty kitchen, spotting a door leading outside that I quickly made my way towards.

“Are you okay,” a voice asked, causing me to freeze. I turned, locking eyes with Rainbow Dash. I felt short of breath and I opened my mouth to speak, struggling to gather enough breath to answer but she took one look at me and moved over, wrapping a wing around my side, pulling me to her barrel and opening the door. We found ourselves in the alley behind Sugarcube Corner and she led me a couple steps farther down, finding a chair sitting against the wall that she helped me sit down in. “Hey, look at me,” she said, lifting my chin and locking eyes with me. “You’re okay, A.”

I searched her eyes, feeling myself get lost in the deep magenta, and my breathing slowly returned to normal, my heart rate slowing back to a normal pace. I still felt shaky but I leaned forward, pressing my forehead against hers, just breathing slowly. Dash was silent, giving me time to collect myself and eventually I leaned back.

“Thank you,” I said softly. Dash didn’t respond, just sitting there silently, letting me get back to normal. “How’d you...know what to do,” I asked, still quiet, almost afraid of setting myself off again.

“Being the coolest all the time isn’t that easy, turns out,” was all she said, standing up and taking a few steps down the alley, stopping in front of the door to the bakery. “Can we...talk? Later. There’s something I need to tell you.”

She hadn’t looked back at me so I couldn’t see her face but I could almost hear the tremble of fear in her voice as she spoke. I opened my mouth, trying to speak but not able to find my voice until I cleared my throat, replying softly, “Yeah...I’d like that.”

She nodded and walked back into the bakery, leaving me alone in the alley, a small smile gracing my face. I took my time in the alley, just sitting there collecting my thoughts as I let my eyes slowly wander. A mirror caught my eye and I turned to gaze at myself, taking stock of the orange fur, the grey eyes, and the green fur. Different again. I stood up and made my way back into the bakery once I’d recovered from the panic attack. The party was in full swing, with Pinkie having turned the music on and already dragging the mare to the dance floor. From where I was standing I could see her cutie mark, a crescent moon, with two shooting stars passing through the crest. I felt that tangle of feelings dredging themselves up again but I pushed them down, forcing myself to ignore them for now. I took a few steps towards her, stopping abruptly as Pinkie sidled up to me.

“Heya Astra! Where have you been,” she asked, bumping my hip with hers. “You missed the cake cutting!”

“Sorry Pinkie, had a quick emergency,” I apologized, “I had to step outside for a second.”

Her face turned serious for a moment, “Are you okay?”

I waved a hoof in the air, trying to brush off the question, “Yeah, yeah, I’m fine Pinkie, thanks for worrying.” She smiled in relief, and I turned my attention back to the room, looking for the mare, but not able to spot her through the crowd of ponies. “So, who’s the new pony? I never caught her name.”

“The name’s Illiad,” a voice spoke from my other side, causing me to jump. I turned to see the mare, and she held out a hoof, “Pleasure to meet you.”

I composed myself and took her hoof, shaking it awkwardly, “Astra.”

She paused for a moment, searching my face for a moment, before muttering, “Astra...have we met before? I feel like I’ve seen you.”

I opened my mouth to speak but paused, feeling like I was being tested, but I was unsure of what. I considered the writhing ball of emotions that was threatening to explode within me, still trying to understand what could possibly make me react this way about a pony from Canterlot that I’d only ever seen once. The only thing I could come up with was that I’d met her before I’d lost my memory but yet here she was, acting like we’d never met before. Except, a part of my mind muttered, she wasn’t acting like that. The question that she’d asked had been leading, as if she was fishing for information.

I realized that I’d been sitting there for a few seconds without responding, and Pinkie gave an awkward laugh, nudging my ribs as she said, “Sorry, she gets like this sometimes. Likes to be in her head a lot. We try to get her out, I Pinkie Promise.”

Iliad gave a small giggle, and I finally found my voice, huffing as I said, “Yeah, sorry, I get kinda lost in my own head sometimes. I did visit Canterlot a few months ago, I think I saw you there.”

Her eyebrows peaked, her voice probing as she asked, “Oh really, what’d you visit Canterlot for?”

I felt a part of me being scrutinized as she tried to pull information out, sounding almost innocent as she asked questions that I would answer with no thought if it wasn’t for the tumultuous feelings. Something was wrong here, and I didn’t know enough about myself or her to know what.

“Just wanted to take a trip to the big city,” I explained cautiously, trying to gauge her reaction.

She gave me a cool look, her voice almost dripping with venom as she said, “I didn’t realize that they let tourists into the castle.”

“I suppose they make an exception when you’re in the company of Princess Celestia’s student,” I shot back.

“Hey wait,” Pinkie interjected, “isn’t that the trip you, Twilight and Rarity took because you were having a dream and you wanted to see Pri-”

I raised a hoof, planting it on Pinkie’s lips, trying to shut her up, but realizing that she’d already said too much. I gave a small chuckle, trying to brush it off, “Okay so maybe I visited Luna, I was having a weird dream.”

Illiad narrowed her eyes at me. “Are you sure that we’ve never met each other before?”

I felt my chest seize up, a small moment flashing through my mind, a push, a scream, falling. But it was gone in a moment, and I was left unsure of what I had just seen, the vision fading immediately, just an impression left on my tongue. “No, I don’t think I have,” I spat, a feeling of regret welling up to the surface of the ball of emotions. “I have to go, if you don’t mind, something’s come up.”

I broke away from the two, not giving Illiad a moment to speak, hurrying out the front door to the bakery. I took a step out, tumbling as I collided with another pony. I tipped forward, going head over heels over the barrel of the pony and I landed on my back, head spinning as the sun beat down on me. A pony appeared above me and it took a moment for me to be able to focus to realize that Fluttershy was standing above me.

“Oh dear, I hope I didn’t hurt you,” she said, looking concerned and reaching a hoof out to me.

I took it and groaned as she helped me up, “No, no, I’m good Fluttershy, just going too fast out the door.”

I took a look back, Fluttershy following my gaze as she asked, “Oh, is the party over already? I was a little late because of an emergency.”

I shook my head, “No, I just...needed to get out. Had to get some air.”

Fluttershy smiled at me, “I know the feeling.” She looked back to the door, then at me again. “Want to take a walk? I can apologize to Pinkie later.”

I was silent for a moment, unsure of what I wanted at the moment, but deciding that I’d rather be in the company of a friend rather than be alone right now. I nodded and began to walk down the path from Sugarcube Corner, Fluttershy falling into step next to me. It was silent for a minute, me lost in my thoughts, and Fluttershy just being a comforting presence.

“Do you want to talk about what you’re thinking about,” she eventually asked.

“I...There’s a lot,” I said, unsure of where I would even start.

She gave me a comforting smile, “I’ve got the time for a friend.”

I felt the tightness in my chest loosen a little at the smile, and I gave her a slow nod. I spotted a bench and led the way to it, taking a seat at it and beginning to explain the reaction that I had when I’d seen Illiad. I tried to describe the tangled mess of feelings that I couldn’t even begin to unravel and understand but from the look on her face I hadn’t done a great job explaining it.

“It’s just like...I feel like I might know who she is, and that she might know who I am. Or who I was,” I finished lamely. “I don’t know though, and from the way she didn’t come out and say something makes me feel like she doesn’t know, or…”

“Or…” Fluttershy prompted, interested in hearing me finish the statement.

“Or maybe she has a reason that she wants me to not remember.” Fluttershy was quiet after that and I was quick to stammer out, “Ahhh nevermind, I’m just overthinking everything. I’m probably just looking for meaning where there is none. I’m sure she’s a nice mare, and she’ll fit in just fine.”

The look on her face was unconvinced, and she reached a hoof out, brushing mine as she said, “Hey, I’ll talk to the other girls, okay? We’ll be on the lookout, and see if we can find anything out.”

“Thanks Fluttershy,” I said softly, a small smile gracing my features. “I really needed this.”

She shook her head, “What kind of friend would I be if I didn’t help you out when you clearly needed it?”

After that we talked for a little bit, Fluttershy explaining what had been happening with her animals, with me politely listening, and her returning the favor as I explained the movement of the stars over the last month. We parted ways after a bit, exchanging a hug and going on our ways across town. I made my way to the market after that, buying some groceries that I’d been meaning to buy for a while and making my way back home. I opened the door, making my way in and turning the light on, pausing at the mess and sighing before closing the door and heading to the kitchen, grumbling to myself about cleaning up. I put everything away and made my way back into the living room, my eyes glazing over as I stared at the trash littering the floor, before I looked at the bookshelf, my eyes locking on one particular book. I used my magic to levitate it out, the deep crimson cover flipping open as it drew near, opening on the bookmark that I had left in last time I’d stopped to read. I settled down on the couch, getting lost in the pages as I tried to distract myself from the thoughts raging for attention now that I was alone.

A knock on the door caused me to jump, and I slowly focused, realizing that I’d been sitting here for a few hours at least as the sun had gone down. I put the bookmark back in the book, frowning as I noticed I was still on the same page, and got up. I made my way to the door and opened it, coming face to face with Dash.

“Oh,” I blinked.

“Hey,” she said lamely, giving a small wave. We fell into a silence and I felt a tension appear that I could almost choke on. “Could I...maybe come in?” A breeze blew by and I was suddenly aware of how cold it had become outside without the sun high in the sky and I silently made way, still unsure of what to say. She moved past me, pausing before entering the living room, surveying the state of it.

“I know,” I finally broke my silence. “I keep meaning to clean it, but I just…”

“It’s hard to clean if your mind is focused somewhere else,” Dash said, almost absentmindedly. “I could help.”

I shook my head, even though she wasn’t looking at me, “No, it’s fine Dash, I’ll get around to cleaning it up eventually.”

She looked back at me, a pleading look in her eyes, “A, stop being so nice and let me back in…” I was silent, just looking at her, searching her eyes, looking for something but unsure of what. “Please.”

I gave her a small, almost imperceptible nod, and she let out a hoarse breath, almost sounding like she was about to cry. I went to the kitchen and grabbed a trash bag, coming back to the living room and sidling up to Dash, the two of us working in silence as my magic held the bag open. Piece after piece of trash made its way into the bag, bottles, paper plates, old pizza boxes, plastic cups. It felt cathartic to work, picking up pieces of scattered trash, almost like I was trying to collect the scattered pieces of myself. I paused, looking over at Dash, just watching as she worked. She seemed so focused, just entirely centered on picking up piece after piece of me, trying to help me.

“Thank you.”

I said it so softly I wasn’t even sure I had spoken, but it was enough to make Dash pause. She looked over at me and it wasn’t until she made her way across the room and was hugging me tightly that I realized that I was crying.

She rubbed my back and gave a small shushing sound as she said, “Hey, it’s alright, it’s okay. You’re okay Astra, I promise.”

I felt myself almost collapse into her as I began to sob, unsure of why I was suddenly breaking down but unable to stop myself. Dash kept holding me, rocking me slowly as she ran a hoof up and down my back.

I don’t know how long we were like that but I eventually pulled away Dash’s chest soaked with my tears. “I...I’m a fucking mess,” I said, letting out a wry chuckle and burying my face back into her chest.

“Hey, we’re all a mess,” Dash said, not letting go of me. “We all need a little help sometimes.”

“Thank you,” I said into her chest, breathing in deep and closing my eyes as her scent filled my nose. “I just...I’ve felt so lost and I just always feel like I’m barely being held together. I don’t know who I am, I don’t know where I came from, I don’t know...anything.”

Dash was silent and I was about to say more but she finally spoke up, “A, I’m just scared of losing you. I don’t want you to…” She trailed off for a moment, picking back up shakily, “We both know I lied about the timberwolf. I won’t lie about that anymore. I’m being honest. I’m gonna…” She went quiet again. I looked up and caught sight of her face, fear having engraved itself on her features, and her eyes watering up. I reached a hoof up, stroking the side of her face. She leaned into it, a tear falling as she did so, and the fear slowly was replaced with a determined look. “I was working that day, busting clouds above the Whitetail Woods. I was getting a little tired, and was looking for a nice cloud to rest on. I’d spotted a nice, thick one that looked pretty comfy, but then I heard a scream. It sounded like it had come from above me and it didn’t make sense to me at the time but I looked up and I saw...you. You were falling. There was a pony falling from Canterlot, and I was the only one around. I raced to catch you, but when I got to you…”

“The inhibitor,” I murmured.

“I panicked. I didn’t know what to do, I couldn’t fly and I was tumbling with you, and the trees were coming up so fast. I managed to spread my wings and get a bit of drag but it was still a tough landing, we both got beat up pretty badly.” She ran a hoof against my cheek softly, right on my scar. “And then there was the walk to Ponyville. There was so much blood, from both of us, and I kept slipping. I felt helpless, and I almost dropped you. I thought about just laying you down and running into town to get somepony. Twilight says that if I’d done that...And then you were gone, Twilight and Redheart doing their best to help you, and all I could do was think about you...just...falling from Canterlot.”

I whispered, “I...jumped.”

Dash tightened her grip on me, “Maybe. I thought so at the time, but you haven’t been suicidal since you got here so I don’t know about that anymore.”

“I don’t remember Dash,” I said, aware now more than ever just how much I didn’t know about myself.

“I know A.”

We were silent after that, me trying to process what Dash had told me, and Dash just comforting me. I shifted my head, looking up at her. She looked down at me and I felt my body moving without thinking, my lips meeting hers. She let out a noise of surprise, freezing up for a moment before relaxing and leaning into the kiss. I pulled away from the kiss, meeting her eyes for a moment before going back in for a second kiss, this one harder and more forceful, trying to convey the absurd amount of feelings that were rushing through me in one single action.

She pulled away first this time, her chest heaving as she tried to catch her breath. “A, is this...Are you...sure?” I nodded, almost desperate as I leaned back in for another kiss. Dash leaned back again, a concerned look on her face, “A, I just told you that you might have jumped from Canterlot.”

I sat back, the distance between us causing a pain in my chest, “I know I just...I just don’t…”

“You don’t want to confront it,” she said, causing me to wince.

“Please…” I pleaded, “I don’t want to think about it. I’m happy here in Ponyville. If I jumped then it must have been bad, but now it’s fine. I have you, and the rest of the girls. I don’t need anything else.”

She was quiet for a moment, lost in her thoughts before speaking, “A, I came here tonight because I made a decision. We’re going to find out who you were, and I’m going to stop lying. To you, to Twilight, to the rest of the girls. I’ve been hiding this for the last half a year, and now that I’ve told you I feel...better. But I feel like you’re unsteady, which I can understand. I don’t know how I’d handle being told that I might have committed suicide.”

The word caused a sharp spike of pain to lance through my head and I winced, taking a sharp breath as a memory surfaced, long enough for me to grab bits and pieces, before it fell beyond the murky surface of my missing memories again.

“‘We don’t want you here anymore Apollo. You’re a fucking disgrace.’ Somepony said that to me.”

Dash stared at me, mouth slightly open and a worried look on her face. “Do you...you remember that?”

“I don’t remember who or why, just that they were mad at me.” I scrambled in my mind to try and find something else to latch onto, but I couldn’t put a face or a name to the voice saying those horrible words to me.

“Your name was Apollo…Sounds like a stallion’s name,” Dash remarked. “I like Astra better.”

I gave a small laugh, feeling exhaustion begin to creep in as I wrestled with the feelings running amok in my mind. “Hey Dash...can you stay here tonight?” She didn’t answer at first, looking down at me in silence as she thought. Eventually she nodded, standing up and wrapping her wing around me, leading me down the hall to my bedroom. “Thank you,” I mumbled blearily, my eyes drifting shut as Dash opened the door to my bedroom. By the time we’d made the few steps to my bed I was almost asleep on my hooves and Dash helped me lay down in bed. I didn’t even remember my head hitting the pillow.

Author's Note

I'm enjoying writing again, it's feeling nice to get into the groove day after day of putting my ideas down. I'm not sure how many more chapters this will have, maybe one or two, but we'll see what's up.