Be Gay; Do Crime

by Shakespearicles

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Random, Daybreaker, Granny Smith
Length: 2126

For Luna's Hearth's Warming gift, Granny Smith & Daybreaker take over the world. (It's complicated.)

A last minute 2020 Jinglemas breezie fic for HttpLotorius

For Luna's Hearth's Warming gift, Daybreaker and Granny Smith take over the world. (It's... complicated.) And it turns out it wasn't even that hard.

Audiobook

Published 2020-12-27 00:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2020-12-27 00:10:02 UTC

Gangsta 4 Life

T'was the day before Hearth's Warming,
and all through the farmhouse,
several creatures were stirring,
Not the least of which was Applejack running around trying to get everything ready in time, stretching and reaching to try to get the decorations hung. "Why wasn't Big Mac doing this part?" Applejack wondered. Instead he was in the kitchen setting off the smoke alarm with his baking. With his new wife, Sugar Belle, of course, and her endless encouragement. Meanwhile, Apple Bloom was being the opposite of helpful, setting up traps to catch Santa Paws. Mostly ensnaring Applejack as she tried to work.

There came a knock at the front door of the farm house. Granny Smith was by far the closest, but Applejack got to the door much sooner. She opened the door and was greeted by, "Princess Celestia!?" Applejack balked and took off her hat.

"Now now, Applejack," Celestia chided. "You needn't use that title for me any longer now that I'm retired."

"Even so... what brings you 'round these parts?" she asked.

"Well, I know it's last minute, but I actually need help getting a gift for someone very dear to me."

"Oh, that's easy," Applejack said. "Just get Twilight a book."

Celestia chuckled. "I already have, actually. But I was referring to my sister."

"Luna?" Applejack asked. Celestia nodded. "Well shucks. I can't say I know her very well to be of much help. Really, you would know better than anypony else."

Celestia sighed. "I know. Everypony else has told me the same thing. But I'm afraid I'm at my wit's end! Ever since she has returned from her exile, she has always felt this sense of guilt from being saved as Nightmare Moon. And it seems like no matter what I do or say doesn't help erase that guilt."

"But we helped her defeat her Tantabus," Applejack said.

"Yes, I heard," Celestia said. "You saved her from herself twice over. And I've never been able to make up to her my own failing to do so a thousand years ago."

The rocking chair behind Applejack squeaked. "I've an idea," Granny Smith said. "Applejack, let the others know I'm going out for a bit."

"Sure, Granny!" Applejack said. "Uh, not to be rude, Celestia, but I still have a lot of other work to do."

Granny Smith hobbled up out of her rocking chair and scooted on squeaky wheels across the floor with her walker. "We'll be needing to head back to Canterlot. Is Luna there?"

"No, she's still back in Silver Sholes," Celestia answered.

"Ha! Perfect!" Granny cackled. "Come on now. We've got a lot to do before tonight."

"Why? What are we going to do tonight?" Celestia asked.

"The same thing I've wanted to do every night, Tia. Try to take over the world."

The former princess of the night, Luna, sat at the poolside cabana bar in the tropical resort of Silver Sholes. It was a great place to retire, as it was one of those places where it was very easy to lose track of time, save for the precession of the sun across the sky. Both that and the moon were no longer of any concern to her or her sister, well in hoof of the new Princess of Equestria, Twilight Sparkle.

It felt like she had been sitting under that bar canopy for hours but the small shadows of the mid-day sun hadn't budged an inch on the ground. It was most curious. Perhaps she'd had too many of these banana daiquiris that her sister was so found of. Speaking of- she hadn't seen her all day. They were due to meet up for an early dinner.

"Barkeep," she asked. "Have you the time?"

The bartender sweated nervously. Don't ask if she has the energy. Don't ask if she has the energy. "Uhhh, yes, let me just check my watch." He dug through the pocket of his side-bag. He looked at the watch, made a weird face, and leaned out from under the awning to look at the sun, and then looked at the watch again, listening to it to see if it was still ticking. "I'm sorry, but my watch must be off. It says it's five."

Luna chuckled. "I'm sure it's happy hour somewhere," she said. "It feels like five." She paid her tab and headed back to the campus quad. Strangely, the clock there said it was five as well. Yet the sun was still fixed in the sky at high noon. Luna chuckled at the odd coincidence. It was the winter solstice. The longest night of the year. How poetic would it be if Celestia chose this day to-

Luna's blood ran cold. "Surely she wouldn't..."

A crowd of concerned ponies assembled outside of Canterlot Castle, awaiting explanation as to why it was still mid-day. The castle doors opened and an imposing figure strode out onto the large stage. The colorful mane that once waved from her white fur was replaced with billowing flames. She held the limp body of Princess Twilight Sparkle in her magic.

"Your princess is dead!" Daybreaker bellowed in her full, Canterlot voice. "Long live the Queen! Daybreaker!"

Granny Smith slowly shuffled out onto the stage with her walker. "You heard the queen yew lil whippersnappers! Now plant yer jibberjabbers on the ground and git t' grovel'n!"

The ponies all fell to the ground and bowed in cowering deference. Daybreaker released Twilight's body, letting it fall onto the stage in a heap.

"Ow," Twilight groaned quietly as she could.

Granny continued "The first new law is the floor is lava! Anypony caught on the ground will be sentenced t' a million years dungeon!"

Ponies scrambled like toddlers, fighting for standing space on chairs or tables. Some climbed up lamp posts or small trees. The few unicorns left on the ground, suddenly feeling not so superior, looked to the pegasi hovering in the air above them and cried for help. And the pegasi just looked down at them and whispered, "No."

"Daybreaker is comin' fer ya!" Granny hollered. The few left on the ground scattered and ran as fast as they could, leaving the ground of the courtyard cleared. Granny Smith looked at Daybreaker and grinned. "Gotta make 'em fear ya."

Daybreaker threw the podium into the air and obliterated it with a blast of her magic, sending the remaining ponies running, even if it meant being on the ground, leaving just Granny, the new queen, and the 'dead' princess. Daybreaker picked up her trophy and carried it back inside the castle to drop off in her bedchambers.

Granny whispered to Twilight Sparkle. "Did you get a message to Applejack and the rest of yer friends?" Twilight nodded. She could smell the Canterlot Wine on Granny's breath as she spoke. "You just stay out of sight 'til Luna gets here."

"It's going to take them time to get here," Twilight whispered back. "And for the news to spread to Luna."

"I think we can help speed that along!" Granny said.

"How do we do that?" Daybreaker asked.

"Be gay! Do crime!" Granny said, quickly kissing Daybreaker. "Now let's get some wheels!"

A pair of terrified royal guards pulled the two elderly mares through Canterlot.

"This one!" Granny said, pointing at a random home. Daybreaker jumped out of the chariot, rang the doorbell, and then ran back to the chariot, speeding away just before a pony could answer the door. Granny Smith laughed louder than she had in decades. "Ooh! Pull in here!" The guards obeyed.

"Welcome to Hayburger King. How may I take your order?" the voice said through the speaker.

Granny cleared her throat. "Lemme get two number 9's, a number 9 large, a number 6 with extra dip, a number 7, two number 45's, one with cheese, and a large soda!"

"Hungry?" Daybreaker asked.

"World domination give me an appetite!" Granny said. They pulled up the the window. The colt making minimum wage had seen so much already in his young life working at the Canterlot Hayburger King trot-thu. He didn't even blink when he saw Daybreaker in a chariot. He passed the bags of food to Granny Smith.

"That'll be fifty five bits," he said.

"GO GO GO!" Granny shrieked. The chariot sped away from the restaurant. Granny cackled and unwrapped her hayburger. "Here, you want one?" Granny asked.

"Oh, I really shouldn't," Daybreaker said. "My posterior has become something of a running joke at the retirement center."

"Sounds like sumthin a lil bitch would say!" Granny laughed. "If cholesterol is what kills you, I call that a win!"

"It just might, Granny Smith," Daybreaker said.

"I might go in a body bag but never in cuffs!" Granny hollered. "Gangsters for life!" She nearly choked on her food in excitement. "THERE! Let's eat right over there!" The chariot pulled to a stop in front of the Canterlot Gym. Granny and Daybreaker sat outside the front window and ate fast food in front of the pudgy ponies on the treadmills inside.

"This isn't really illegal," Daybreaker said. "This is just mean. These poor ponies in there are trying to better themselves."

"We're villains!" Granny said, finishing her burger. She crumpled up the wrapper and threw it on the ground. "Littering kicks ass!"

"Do you think we've terrorized the city enough?" Daybreaker asked. "Luna should be arriving soon."

"Alright then," Granny grumbled, climbing back into the chariot with her. "Think fast, young'ens!" Granny yelled as she threw the rest of her soda, splattering it against the window.

Back at the castle, Twilight and her friends waited in the Canterlot throne room with Cadance and Shining Armor.

"This had better be worth it," Cadance said. "You have no idea how hard it is to find a foalsitter on such short notice."

The throne room doors opened and Granny Smith shuffled inside with her squeaky walker. "We're back, bitches."

Applejack covered her face with her hooves. "Granny have you been drinking!?"

"Have you been eating, Apple Snack!?" Granny cackled. Daybreaker walked into the throne room after her.

"Whoa," the others gasped, seeing Celestia in this form.

"Did ya bring the party favors?" Granny asked Pinkie. Pinkie nodded and held up a large box of balloons filled with raspberry syrup. "Alright! Everypony take some. It's time to redecorate!"

Luna made all haste to Canterlot Castle. She stormed through the throne room doors, but she found that she was too late. Princess Twilight and her friends laid motionless, strewn across the floor. Even Shining Armor and Cadance were among them. All of them drenched in crimson. The floor and walls were splattered with it.

On the throne sat Luna's worst fear. Daybreaker in her full fury. Her flaming mane billowing all around her.

"What hast thou done?" Luna cried with tears in her eyes.

"That which thou canst not undo!" Granny Smith cackled as she shuffled out from behind the throne.

"Thou hast undone our sister!" Luna cried.

Granny Smith licked her lips. "I have done thy sister!" Daybreaker cringed and felt her hayburger come back up in her mouth a little, catching her off guard.

"Villain!" Luna shrieked, launching a bolt of magic at Granny. Daybreaker wasn't ready with her shield. Luna's attack found its mark. Granny Smith was sent sprawling onto the floor. This wasn't how it was supposed to go.

"Oh crap!" Daybreaker turned and knelt down beside Granny Smith as the other ponies stopped playing dead and rushed over to Granny as well, much to Luna's confusion.

"Granny? Granny!?" Daybreaker cried.

Granny Smith tapped her chest with her hoof. "For life-"

Daybreaker's form shimmered and she turned back into Celestia.

"I'm so confused," Luna said.

Twilight looked at everypony nervously and then back at Luna. "Uh... You- you saved Celestia from being Daybreaker and miraculously brought us all back to life!"

"So I guess that makes us even." Celestia said. "No need to feel guilty anymore. Happy Hearth's Warming?"

"Granny, please don't die!" Applejack cried.

"Everypony dies," Granny said, looking over at Celestia. "Not everypony truly lives." She looked back at her granddaughter. "Applejack... you tell yer foals... I died of Ligma..."

"Granny... what's Ligma?"

Granny Smith waved her closer. She whispered into Applejack's ear so softly that nopony else could hear. Granny let out one last chuckle and then she was gone.

"What did she say?" Celestia asked.

Applejack pursed her lips into a thin line. "I ain't repeat'n it!"

Author's Note

"And that's the story of how your Great-Granny Smith died on a Hearth's Warming crime spree, taking over the world with Daybreaker," Big Mac said to Lil Mac sitting on his lap.

"Wow! She sounded awesome!"

"Eeyup!"