What Do You Get for the Mare Who Has Everything?

by Nyronus

Rating: everyone
Tags: Rarity, Romance, Discord, Maud Pie, Pinkie Pie, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Cheese Sandwich, Comedy
Length: 5760

Maud attempts to help Cheese find a very special Hearth's Warming gift for Pinkie Pie. Together they will endure glitter bombs, sound advice, stand-up comedy, musical numbers, chaos, and fondue, all to give Pinkie Pie the best Hearth's Warming ever.

Cheese Sandwich wants to get Pinkie Pie a truly special gift for Hearth's Warming. The problem? Pinkie Pie loves every gift given to her, no matter what it is. So what's a premier party pony to do? Get some help, of course.

And there is only one expert in Equestria on giving Pinkie Pie the best gifts: Maud Pie.

Together they will endure glitter bombs, sound advice, stand-up comedy, musical numbers, chaos, and fondue, all to give Pinkie Pie the best Hearth's Warming ever.

Special thanks to SoloBrony who helped me come up with ideas for this story, and to FanofMostEverything, Skeeter the Lurker, and Wanderer D for prereading.

This was written for Tethered Angel as a part of Jinglemas 2020!
For more information about Jinglemas, checkout our group!

Cover art was made from these sources: link, link, link

Published 2020-12-27 02:50:00 UTC
Last updated 2020-12-27 02:50:00 UTC

Everything You've Got

Maud Pie was having a perfectly normal day before Hearth's Warming Eve, warming tea in her grotto home.

“Hey is this the woah-oh-OH!”

What followed was a cavalcade of crashes, clangs, spurts, sproings, boings, and splats.

Maud turned around just in time to see Cheese Sandwich tumble into her abode, heralded by two loose slinkies and a ricocheting rubber chicken. Which was fairly unnormal.

She walked over as the gangly pony sprang to his hooves with a flip.

“Woah-oh! Oh hey, Maud!” He leaned in, bumping her with his elbow and grinned, or, at least, grinned harder than how he had been prior. “How’s it hanging, my SSSBF?”

Maud stared at him.

He stared back.

“SSSBF?”

“Special Somepony Sister Best Friend!” He leapt up.

“Oh.” She stood for a moment. “Fine. Do you want some tea?”

“You bet!”

Maud turned and walked back to her little fire and kettle while Cheese went on for a bit about his train ride to Ponyville and commentary on how she’d changed the place up since his last visit.

Not that she had done so, but he was being enthusiastic and she wasn’t going to take that from him.

“Cheese, why are you here?”

“Whatever do you mean, Special Somepony Sister Best Friend?” He grinned and blinked innocently.

“While I appreciate your attention and how your madcap subversive energy provides a nice comedic contrast to my own drier, sharper sense of humor, it’s the day before Hearth's Warming Eve. You should be spending time with my sister. Who you came out here to be with for the holiday.”

Maud stared at Cheese. He blinked. He shook. He started sweating.

She continued to stare.

“Alright! You caught me!” He threw up his hooves and then collapsed before her. “I mean, I genuinely did want to drop in and say hello, but I also really really need your help!”

“Okay.”

“You’ll help me!” He sprang up, eyes wide and shining.

“I was replying with appreciation to you wanting to show me affection.” Maud blinked. “But also. Yes. I will help you.”

“Thank you Maud!” Cheese wrapped her up in a big bear hug and held her. For a long time.

“... What did you want my help with?” She finally asked.

“I need to get Pinkie a special gift, and she’s told me you are the best gift giver in all of Equestria!”

“Oh.” Maud blinked. “She seems to like party supplies.”

“I know!” Cheese wailed. “But I own the best party supply, gags and gaffs factory in all of Equestria and Pinkie beta tests all my designs! She already has all the top of the line party supplies she’ll ever need!”

“She likes sweet things.”

“She’s the best baker in all of Equestria!”

“She likes surprises.”

“That’s even worse!” He slumped back into a puddle at her hooves. “I try to surprise her and her Pinkie Sense keeps spoiling it for her!”

“That only happens when it’s funny.”

“It’s always funny, though!” Cheese collapsed in a heap of suitably dramatic crying.

Maud stood there, watching Cheese sob literal waterfalls. Then the kettle whistled.

“Tea’s done.” With that she marched off to pour each of them a cup. After a moment, she walked back and passed Cheese a cup as he was wiping his eyes dry.

“Thank you, Maud, dearest, for being here, in this trying time.”

“You’re welcome.” Maud took a sip. “I really appreciate that you let me see the bladder you were pumping to generate the tears. The momentary deliberate lapse of the misdirection allows the audience to be certain they are in on the joke, revealing the absurd nature of the behavior and relieving any awkward tension.”

“Hah! Thanks!” He sprang to his hooves, his old Cheesy self, and polished off the tea in one go. “Seriously though, this is a brain bamboozler for the ages, and I really need your help!”

Maud sipped her tea for a while before speaking.

“I understand, but Pinkie is also the most empathic, enthusiastic pony either of us know. She will appreciate literally anything you give her, as long as you mean it.” She blinked. “Not to mention this is starting to sound like a lesson I had to teach her in Manehattan.” She blinked again. “And one she had to learn again when Discord unleashed a giant monster on Ponyville the same night Twilight also unleashed a castle sized wave of pony-eating pudding.”

“Was that… last one a joke?” Cheese squinted and raised an eyebrow.

“You and I both know you know it wasn’t.”

“Right, right, tracks!” He gave out a laugh, and then slowly began to make a small, soft frown. He turned and began pacing around the grotto.

“I know that,” he began, “I just…” He gave a huff of a sigh. “Pinkie loves everything I ever give her, even just my smile, but that's the problem I’m having! I want to get her something special. Something to stand out. It’s almost three years since we became special someponies and I wanted to make this almost-holiversary… well, special.”

Maud stared at Cheese.

For a long time.

“I am beginning to see your problem.”

“So you’ll help me?!” With a woosh, he was in her face, a pleading grin stretched across his muzzle, his eyes giving a little tink with every pleading, puppy dog blink.

“I already said yes.” Maud looked back into Cheese’s huge, green eyes. “Since there was some confusion given whether context will dissuade me or not… I will say yes. Again.”

“Thank you! You really are the best SSSBF, ever!” Confetti and a leap punctuated the statement. “So, do you have any ideas for a gift?”

“No.”

“Oh.” The confetti, and Cheese, fell to earth a little more dourly.

“There is one thing I have learned in Ponyville, though.”

“That monster attack insurance is an absolute must?”

Maud gave a very slight smile.

“That when you need help, you see a friend.”

Rarity, having heard the whole spiel, slowly lowered her red glasses and looked too Maud.

“You told him about Manehattan, right?”

“Yes.”

“And about the pudding and giant monster fiasco?”

“Yes.”

“Right, right,” She put her glasses back and gave a smile that a passing poet pony saw and with pen to paper purported that only a plebian would describe it as anything less than perfect. “Alright, Cheese. So you want to give Pinkie Pie the most special Hearth’s Warmingversary gift we can cook up. Have you considered-”

“Party supplies, sweets, and even surprises, yes.”

Rarity gasped.

“Oh my! This is an emergency!”

“I know! I want to make something stand out, but Pinkie has all she needs when somepony smiles because of her! How do I compete with that unadulterated pure innocence?”

“Gems often work!”

“Last time I got her some she tried to eat them thinking they were a rock candy bracelet, and she managed it too!” Cheese wailed.

“That’s not surprising.” Maud commented. “We ate a lot of rocks growing up.”

Both Cheese and Rarity looked at her.

Maud turned and looked directly at them.

“What did you think we were farming them for?”

Neither Cheese nor Rarity had much to say to that.

“Right, of course. Back to the matter at hoof! So, Cheese,” Rarity turned to the gangly earth pony who stood to rigid attention, “I admit, this quest of yours to find Pinkie a gift special enough to stand out in a life of laughter is a bit beyond my grasp. I am something of a cheat at this, as it is easy for me to make a gift of my gift, if you will pardon a bit of wordplay.” Her smile slowly slid into a more inquisitive frown. “I must ask though… why now? You two get along so smartly together, something must be coming along to prod this? Perhaps enlightening us on that will help us focus our efforts?”

Cheese frowned, fidgeted, fiddled, and flopped about under Rarity and Maud’s gazes. Finally, he sighed.

“I’m sorry Rarity, I’m just trying to make Pinkie feel how I feel whenever I see her.”

The passing pony poet pedant witnessing this scene from the street pushed his pince-nez past his peepers, so blinded and blown away was he from the billowing brilliance he saw in the benevolent mare’s beaming grin in response.

“Then give it your all, Cheese. Your cause is just, and I trust in you. Now all that is left is to try and give it everything you’ve got with the faith that your effort will do good.”

“You really think so?” Cheese said, looking up at Rarity.

“Of course I do,” Rarity winked. “That is what being generous is all about, after all.”

“She’s really nice.” Maud said, walking alongside Cheese in the snow.

“Yeah…” Cheese said, staring at the road as they walked. “Do you think she’s right?”

Maud walked in silence for a long time.

“Yes.”

Cheese smiled, straightening up as he picked up the pace a bit.

“Still though, we’re not any closer to figuring out what to get Pinkie Pie.”

“No,” Maud said, walking along, “but Rarity isn’t the only friend I have here.”

Applejack turned immediately to Maud.

“So ya’ll explained to him about the pudding?”

“Yes.” Maud said.

“Gotcha, cuz’.” Applejack gave a curt nod and turned back to Cheese Sandwich. “So, you wanna get a gift to tell Pinkie Pie she’s super special to you.”

“Yep.” Cheese replied.

“But it’s hard because the girl gets more excited than a filly with her first foal when somepony gives her a cupcake?”

“Yep.”

“And y’all’re so close you’ve given her all the obvious gifts anyway?”

“Eeyup.” Cheese gave a little extra drawl on that one.

Applejack gave him a look.

“Anyway,” Applejack said, rolling her eyes. “Have you considered just… I dunno, telling her how you feel?”

Cheese blinked.

“I get why you wanna get somepony a gift to say something. S’all about caring about them. Paying attention to their wants and needs. I generally get my friends and family practical things to let them know I’m watching out for them, making every day a little easier and a little more productive. Thing is, if doing something the fancy way is getting in the way of getting something done, then simple ways are always the best cure.”

“I mean… I could.” Cheese said, frowning. “I just don’t really know how exactly to say it!”

Applejack blinked, and laughed.

“Well then, sugarcube, that’s your problem!” She slapped him on the back. “Can’t be honest with somepony if you can’t be honest with yourself!”

“Oh,” Cheese’s frown deepened.

“Don’t look so glum!” Applejack smiled. “Before you came here, you knew you had a problem. Now you know what the problem is, which means you can start fixing it.”

“Oh,” Cheese brightened a little. “Hey! I guess that’s right!”

“That’s the spirit!” Applejack winked.

“But do you know what to say, yet?” Maud asked.

Applejack and Cheese Sandwich looked at Maud. Then Maud and Applejack looked at Cheese Sandwich.

“Uh,” he gave a crooked grin and threw his hoof across his chest. “Still working on it!”

Applejack let out a laugh.

“Well, just keep thinking about it, and be honest. That’s what counts.”

“Be honest,” Cheese said, marching along, snow crunching under his hooves. “Be honest, be honest.” He kept that up for some time and then slowed, face rigid. “Maud!”

“Yes?”

“I still don’t know what to be honest about!”

“It’s okay, we still have time to think.”

“It’s getting close to sunset, though, and Hearth’s Warming Eve is tomorrow!”

“I know. I was lying to try and comfort you and keep you calm.”

Cheese let out a wail and fell over in the snow. Maud stopped and waited for him to finish obviously quoting some play she’d never seen.

“I don’t think getting worried about it is helping you, Cheese. I think Rarity and Applejack are right, but I also think you need something to shake things up. That’s why we’re heading this way.”

“I appreciate that, Maud. I really do.” Cheese stood up and shook his head. “I just don’t understand why you think Fluttershy can help with that.”

“It’s not Fluttershy we’re going to see.”

Discord finished squinting down at Cheese Sandwich and turned to Maud and opened his mouth.

“I told him about the pudding. And Manehattan. Which you probably don’t know about.”

“Tch, fine.” Discord looked away in a haughty pout. “It was rather fine work if I do say so myself.” Fast as a whip he was back to looking down at Cheese. “So then, you need my help finding Pinkie the perfect gift.” He grinned. “So, how can I help… friend?”

“W-well, Mr. Discord.” Cheese Sandwich gulped. “A-anything you can do here would be swell! I just gotta ask though… w-why do you have to say it like that?”

“Oh!” Discord uncurled and the tension left the room. “It’s a contractual obligation you see. As the Group Perpetually Slightly Sinister Frenemy I am required to offer help in a menacing fashion either to foreshadow that I have some kind of slightly-sinister but still friendly plan I am masterfully setting into motion, or as a set up to the subversion of the former.”

“Oh!” Cheese let out a laugh. “Well okay, then! I was getting worried there for a second. Say, which was it, Discord?”

“Hmm?” The draconequus leaned in.

“The first or the second one. You know, the sinister plan or a fun joke?”

“Oh!” Discord smiled. Suddenly all light in the world died save for his burning, sickly yellow and red eyes. “Wouldn’t you like to know?”

And then suddenly everything was fine and Discord was rolling around on the carpet of Fluttershy’s den, kicking his legs and laughing.

“Bwahahaha!” He rolled over, sitting upright. “Sorry, it was just the look on your faces! It was priceless! Oh!” He wiped the tears from his eyes and moved into a more stable position. “Alright, I’ve had my fun. So, how can your good pal Discord help out his friends-by-proxy, Maud Pie and Cheese Sandwich?”

“We’re stuck in a rut and we figured your unique perspective would help shake things up.” Maud said. “Plus, you’re almost as chaotic as Pinkie, and we figured you’d have insight, there.”

Discord leaned forward, raising an eyebrow.

“Don’t you mean that Pinkie is almost as chaotic as me?”

“You heard what I said, Discord.”

His eyes narrowed.

“You lost the sass war to me once. Don’t make me smack you into the topsoil layer again.” Maud replied to the unspoken intimidation without blinking.

Discord, on the other-hand-hoof-claw-paw, did, and turned away, crossing his arms.

“Fine! Honestly, you should have come to me, first.” He let out a huff. “Generosity and Honesty are all well and good with gift giving, but honestly they are so-” he made a face and waved a claw “-rudimentary. No, the real essence of a good gift is chaos!”

“Well, whaddaya mean by that?” Cheese leaned forward.

“Simple, really.” Discord grinned to himself. “A gift should never be dull, or boring, or be more of the same. In fact, you’ve already kenned to this problem, haven't you, Cheese?”

“I mean, a bit!”

“Right, but why? Because a gift changes things. It makes their life better, or more exciting, or funner, or opens up new opportunities, and all of those require a little chaos.” Discord grinned. “Moreover, the best gifts are the ones the recipient didn’t even know they wanted! If a mare wants a dress, and she gets a dress, well, that’s nice, and all well and good, but it’s all according to plan. It’s a progression. But if you get a dressless mare a dress that makes her realize she loves dresses?” Discord’s grinned widened to a manic level. “That opens up entire new vistas of possibility!” It then took an edge of smugness. “Not to mention I can think of nothing more honest or generous than teaching somepony something new about themselves.”

“That’s great, Discord!” Cheese whooped and leapt up, kicking his legs out. “Now we just need to figure out how to do that for Pinkie!” He then halted in midair and slowly drifted down into position. “But how?”

“Well,” Discord smirked, “not to toot either of my horns, here, but I myself have been planning to get Pinkie a very special gift this year.” A paw slipped into his fur and produced a single crystal. “Behold! A very literal token of my cosmic power!”

He held it up to Cheese and Maud, and Cheese looked at it closely. Slowly, he began to see that the crystal was deceptively dense. No, not dense. Deep. In fact, in that tiny gem there seemed to be endless space. Endless, ever changing shapes and patterns running deeper and deeper until-

Maud blocked his vision with her hoof.

“Discord, what did Starlight say about violating euclidean geometry or the nature of mass or space?”

“She said she doesn’t know how to have any fun.” Discord muttered to himself, withdrawing the crystal.

“Plus, didn’t Pinkie nearly destroy the world the last time she got to use your powers?” Maud gave him a steady look.

“Oh, I’m not an idiot!” Discord threw his claws up. “I carefully calibrated this token to limit what can be done and any megalomaniacal impulses the user might suffer! Honestly, it’s like you don’t trust me.”

“You did empower the three most dangerous villains in Equestria’s history in an ill-advised attempt to give Twilight Sparkle a confidence boost.”

Discord frowned and turned up his nose.

“Well, we all make mistakes and we all learn and grow and become better friends and this is what this show is about, hmph!” He then opened his eyes, studying the ceiling. “Although, perhaps we can solve two problems right now.” He looked down at Cheese and grinned. “How about this; just to be sure my gift is safe, you can help me test it out, right here, right now, and I can say this was from the both of us.”

Discord reached out and offered the crystal to Cheese.

Cheese, hesitant, unsure, but not seeing a better solution reached out with his hoof to touch-

The next five minutes would go down in Ponyville history as “The Great Fondue Disaster.” For months afterward, those caught in the immediate area would be unable to even see cheese without a shiver running down their spine at the memory of those oncoming melty, silky, cheesy waves.

A fortunate side effect, though, was that the monsters of the Everfree would also steer a little more clear of Ponyville for the immediate future, not wishing to be made subject to steamy, lactose-rich doom again.

Discord sighed, and snapped his fingers one last time, clearing away the last of the cheesy debris.

“I’m sorry, Fluttershy.” He said, leading her away. “I was sure I calibrated the token properly this time!”

“It’s alright, Discord.” Fluttershy replied, patting him on the side. “I know you meant well.”

The two walked off into the night, leaving the paramedics to treat those still on the scene with blankets and hot cocoa. Wrapped up in a particularly thick comforter and nursing a particularly rich cup of cocoa was Cheese Sandwich, Maud sitting silently and dutifully at his side.

“Oh, I’ve really gone and messed this up, haven’t I, Maud?”

She was silent for a long time.

“... Yes.”

“I should have just gone with getting her the package of exotic baking goods like I came up with weeks ago!”

Maud did not reply for a long time.

“...That actually would have been an excellent gift, and would have spared us a lot of trouble.”

Cheese Sandwich replied instantly by burying his muzzle in his cocoa and unleashing a torrent of bubbles of ultimate despair.

“Cheese.” Maud said, after another long silence. “You aren’t a bad pony for wanting to make my sister happy. It’s one of the things I like about you, aside from the natural chemistry we have as a slightly subverted manic pony/straight pony duo. You really care about her, and given how much she cares about me, I appreciate that.”

Cheese pulled his muzzle out of the cocoa and gave it a big lick clean before letting out a sigh.

“Thanks, Maud. Even if this has all been a waste, I appreciate you being here to support me.”

“It will at least be a funny story to tell down the road when the shame has numbed over.”

“Yeah…” Cheese slowly stood up, shaking off the comforter and setting the now-only-pleasantly-warm cocoa aside. “I just… every time I look at her, I light up inside. I keep thinking ‘Cheese, you’re the luckiest pony alive, because the best mare in the whole world is your special somepony!’ and I’m right! She is and I am! Then when Hearth’s Warming started getting closer I decided I wanted to really… I don’t know! Get that out? She gave me my laugh back, Maud! The least I could do was make our third-not-quite-holiversary super special!”

Maud just waited patiently in the snow. Cheese eventually sat back down on his haunches, and shook his muzzle.

“I just want to be there, every day, making her smile as much as I can.”

Eventually he stood and shook the snow off.

“Alright Maud. The least I can do after taking you on this wild, wacky adventure is walk you back to your cave! If you want, along the way, I’ll treat you to something!”

She looked him in the eyes.

“Can you say that again?”

“‘If you want, along the way, I’ll treat you to something’?”

“No, before that.”

“‘The least I can do is walk you to your cave’?”

“Before that.”

“...This was all a big mistake and I should have grabbed the saffron flour for Barnyard Bargains when I saw it?”

“No. The thing about Pinkie.”

“Oh, uh…” He screwed his eyes up. “That she is the bestest of best ponies and I’m lucky to have her and I just want to spend the rest of my life making her smile?”

Maud stared at him for a long time.

“Was that the… right part of the conversation?”

“Yes.”

“Oh.”

Eventually, Maud stood up.

“Cheese Sandwich, I think what we did today was actually useful after all.”

“Really, so you have an idea for a gift!?”

“Yes.” Maud stood still for a long moment. “No. Actually, I don’t.”

“Well then, what do you have then?”

“I’ve listened to you and my friends today and I finally put together something. A gift isn’t what you wanted, you just wanted a way to say something to Pinkie. I think Applejack was right that you need to be honest with her, and with yourself. I think Rarity was right that you need to give it your all. Unfortunately, I think Discord was also right, and I think you need to make a change.”

“What change do you think I need to make, then?”

Maud told him.

Cheese stood in awe for a long second.

“Are you sure? This is so sudden!”

“My sister likes surprises.”

Cheese Sandwich stood in place shaking for a moment, and then suddenly leapt into the air with an explosion of confetti. Coming down in a cartwheel, he flipped end over end in the snow, laughing like a mad pony before coming to a stop in front of Maud, whom he promptly swept up in a massive hug.

“You really are the best Special Somepony Sister Best Friend a friend could ask for!”

“Thanks. That means a lot.”

Cheese pulled back and looked at her, panic on his face.

“But how are we gonna do this?”

Maud gave a very small smile.

“I think I have an idea.”

The room filled with whispers as everypony piled in front of the impromptu stage that had been built overnight in the castle library. The town Hearth’s Warming Eve party Starlight and Trixie had put on had been a wonderful success, and after a morning spent with family, a more intimate affair had taken place the following evening with even Spike and Princess Twilight making it down to say hello to everypony and exchange gifts. Pinkie Pie really had loved the exotic baking goods. No one, aside from a select number of ponies knew what this stage was about.

The whispers died down as the lights dimmed.

“Fillies and Gentlecolts!” There was a flash of light and a burst of smoke as a familiar blue unicorn and purple hat and cape appeared on stage. “The Grrreat and Powerful Trixie is here to present to you an act that is the first of its kind! May I present to you, the second and third funniest ponies in Equestria; Cheese Sandwich and Maud Pie!”

The crowd cheered as Trixie vanished into her own cape as the curtain rose and the lights (operated by an excited set of Cutie Mark Crusaders) shone down on the stage, revealing two ponies at opposite podiums.

“Hey Maud!” Cheese shouted across the stage to his partner.

“Yes, Cheese?”

“What do you call it when the bread aisle gains a sense of class consciousness?”

“...I don’t know.”

“A Rye-it!”

A drum sting echoed from somewhere in the back while the crowd had their giggles. Trixie snuggled in next to Starlight and gave her a conspiratorial wink.

“That wasn’t very funny.” Maud replied.

“Oh! Sometimes I think you have the sense of humor of a block of granite, Maud!”

This provoked a few good natured boos from the crowd.

“True, but at least I don’t smell like my namesake was left in the sun for the extent of my natural life.”

“Hey!” Cheese pointed a hoof accusitorially. “I don’t smell a day over twenty-five!”

Applejack let out a guffaw at that one, while the rest of the audience chuckled.

“Well, at least my name makes sense!” Cheese went on. “What even is a maud pie, anyway!”

“Well,” Maud began. “Maud is short ‘maudlin,’ which means self-pitying sadness. So you just take the feeling you get listening to this act and bake it into a pie.”

Twilight gave a snort while the rest of the audience laughed a little more heartily.

“Oh, let’s try to move past self-deprecation.” Cheese waved his hoof and leaned over towards Maud. “Hey, Maud! Knock-knock!”

“Who’s ther-”

“Rocky Road Ice Cream Cake!”

And a Rocky Road ice cream cake smashed into Maud’s face. Discord let out a snort. Maud, not even turning to acknowledge Cheese, licked her lips.

“Hmm. This is actually pretty tasty.”

“Aww, can I have some?”

“No, this one is mine.”

“Oh. Oh well, then!”

And then Cheese Sandwich produced a second ice cream cake from behind his podium and smashed it into his own face.

“Hey, you’re right! This stuff is pretty good!”

Maud finally turned to look at Cheese.

“Told you.”

“You have really great taste!”

“No I don’t. I’m up here with you, afterall.”

The audience gave a raucous laugh.

“Oh, come on now! There are plenty of ponies out there who you love! Certainly some of them are up to snuff. How about your family?”

“My family eats literal rocks, Cheese.”

“Oh, come on! Your sisters are great.”

“You’re right, my sisters are great. Growing up with them was very formative. Nothing builds character like putting two shy mares in a room with a rageaholic.”

Marble snickered good naturedly. Limestone scowled and snorted.

“Okay, but what about your friends?”

“They’re great. My coltfriend has all the qualities I love in a partner. Namely stoicism and a lack of facial expression.” She turned and looked at the audience. “You know. Like a rock.”

“That is a fair jab,” Mud Briar commented while Sunburst snickered into his cape next to him.

“Starlight and Tixie are the best of friends, though.” Maud went on. “Just like Lyra and Bonbon.”

The audience bellowed at that, while Trixie and Starlight blushed deeply.

“You left out Sunburst!” Cheese commented.

“You’re right.” Maud turned and looked down at Sunburst while the laughing died down in anticipation of the next roast.

“You’re pretty okay, actually.”

Puffs of chuckles and light laughter echoed around the room.

“What about Discord, though?”

Maud turned to look at Cheese.

“What about Discord?”

Discord scowled while the audience playfully jeered at him. Fluttershy let out a giggle.

“That’s cold, Maud!” Cheese laughed.

“You could say it was… stone cold.”

Another round of cracking up went through the audience.

“Maud! Was that a pun?”

“What can I say? You’re a bad influence on me.”

“Well, maybe so, but you left out one very special pony from your jibs and jabs.”

Maud turned to look at him.

“Oh?”

“Yes!” Cheese said, rearing up on his hind-legs. “The bestest-of-best ponies, Pinkie Pie!”

“Oh. Well. That was because you can’t make fun of her.” Maud turned and looked at her sister, who was wide eyed, as the spotlight on Cheese shut off. “Pinkie, you are understanding, kind, and even when you make mistakes, you learn and never stop trying to be the best pony you can be. You have always been a light in my life and I’ll always be grateful. Thank you.”

The crowd let out oohs and awws. Pinkie was tearing up.

Then, with a clang, the missing spotlight snapped back on as Maud’s went dark, revealing Cheese who was standing at the edge of the stage, front and center, directly in front of Pinkie Pie.

“She’s right, Pinkie.” He knelt down, and spoke softer. “You’re a wonderful pony. You taught me how to laugh, and helped me laugh again when I lost it. If that were all, I could never repay you, but since you became my special somepony, every moment we’ve been together has been a wonderful new joy I can never repay. This holiday season, I’ve been thinking about what you mean to me, and your sister helped me realize something. Something I need to ask.”

Cheese Sandwich produced a small, suede box from his sweater. He pulled the top back to reveal a simple ring set with a pink smithsonite gem.

“Pinkie, will you marry me?”

The room was dead silent. Pinkie, mouth and eyes wide, stared at the ring.

And then she started vibrating.

Only Discord and Rainbow Dash acted in time. Discord thanks to his innate sense for chaos, and Rainbow Dash due to her super-pony reflexes gained from years of supersonic flight.

Thus, only Discord, Fluttershy, and Rainbow Dash were spared what came next.

Then residents of Ponyville came rushing out onto the streets. They looked around, trying to make sense of things, fearing another villain attack.

It was only when the second explosion of glitter from the Castle of Friendship bowled them all over that they realized what had happened.

“The Great Hearth’s Warming Double-Glitter-Bomb” and the story behind it would become part of the local folklore of Ponyville for ages to come.

“YESYESYESYESYESYESYESYES!!!” Pinkie Pie swung Cheese Sandwich around in her hooves, prancing and laughing and crying. Cheese Sandwich was also crying and laughing. “YES SIXEVER!!!”

Slowly, their friends and family pried themselves free of the glitter caking them to the walls and began coming forward congratulating them and cheering.

Out of the crowd came Igneous Rock Pie and Cloudy Quartz. Pinkie turned to them, tearing up again.

“Mom, Dad?”

“This young stallion came unto us the night before last to ask for our blessing,” Igneous started, “it was sudden and not of our tradition… but we understand that he makes thee truly happy.” The dour stallion smiled and nodded. “You two have our blessing to be wed, daughter of mine.

Pinkie let out a squeal and Cheese Sandwich swung Pinkie Pie into a spin as music started in the background. He opened his mouth, and then began to sing.

“Then that's all I need to do

That's all I need to see

I thought I needed guidance

But all I want is you and me!”

Cheese threw her into the air and their friends broke into a chorus.

“Follow right behind, if you please

Walk this way and we guarantee

We sing this day, for Pinkie and Cheese!”

Pinkie landed with a twirl and sung right back.

“I suppose now I should say something!

I’m saying something too!

Nothing is really better

Than spending everyday with you!

This is the best Hearth’s Warming

You could have given me!

I’ll sing to all of Ponyville

Together we shall be!”

Cheese smiled and sang right back.

“Well, there’s something I have to say

A truth that is worth knowing!”

“Oh, yeah?” Pinkie grinned wide.

“Change is scary and life is tough-” He sang in a falsetto, “-But! With you, joy is ever flowing!”

Pinkie giggled and the two sang together.

“Then that's all we want to do

That's all we want to see

We thought we wanted laughter

But all we need is you with me!”

The whole room rose up together at once.

“All we wanted and all we need!

In joyous song we are agreed!

The marriaaaage

of Pinkie Piiiiie

Annnnnd

Cheeeeeese!!!”

A cavalcade of bangs, booms, bursts, shimmers, glitters, and most importantly, laughter and cheers, filled the room.

Some time later, Maud and Cheese found themselves alone. After the musical number the party had filtered out into the lounge. Most everypony was either chatting amongst themselves or congratulating Pinkie Pie. Notably, Spike was off to the side, prodding Discord only semi-sarcastically about when he and Fluttershy were going to follow suit.

“Whew-wee!” Cheese breathed and smiled. “I really couldn’t have done it without you, Maud.” His voice and eyes softened. “Thanks, for everything.”

“I love my sister, and I would do anything to try and make her happy.” Maud gave a small smile. “Plus, I like you Cheese. I’m glad you’re in the family.”

“Oh!” He pulled her into a hug. “You really are my Special Somepony Sister Best Friend!”

“I think the technical term,” she returned the hug after only hesitating for a moment, “is ‘sister-in-law.’”

Cheese let out a bark of laughter.

“Yeah, I think I like the sound of that!”

Author's Note

For reference, the musical number is meant to be a reprise of this song from "The Last Laugh."

Hope you all enjoyed this - especially you, Tethered Angel. Have a happy Hearth's Warming, a Merry Christmas, and pleasant holidays!