Twilight "Perma-Virgin" Sparkle

by Big Whoops

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Sex, Comedy, Slice of Life, Twilight Sparkle, Main 6
Length: 2725

It's Hearth's Warming Eve at Friendship Castle. Twilight wants a nice, family-friendly party. It's not very nice.

As a princess, Twilight would just like one day free of life outside the crystal walls of her castle. With another holiday here, she celebrates with her fellow princesses, her family, her friends, and some of their families. Sparkle should have known things couldn't be that simple as her friends invite her to open a gift in her library away from the other guests. She doesn't respond well.

Contains unknowingly innocent, promiscuous, purple ponies.

Constructive criticism for first-timers is appreciated. No funny business, buster.

Edited to my convenience and self-satisfaction. Should do more though just because...

Published 2020-12-29 19:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2020-12-29 19:00:00 UTC

Chapter 1 (edited)

Twilight “Perma-Virgin” Sparkle

“Girls, you know I appreciate your company as enough of a gift, but what is this?” Twilight questioned with insanity already about to take hold. The frequency of her eye twitches growing with each passing second of awkward silence from her “very dear friends,” whose relationship may just change with the next few words that come out of their furry, backstabbing snoots.

It was supposed to be another friendly and cherished get-together at “Casa de Friendship” with their families and the princesses for Hearth’s Warming Eve.Twilight even had most of her checklist filled out to make a perfect reunion and party. Frost outside, glowing warmth of a fireplace inside, family included and comfort to boot, it was almost perfect. Wishes could have came true with a well-made cuddle pile* in the main, cushioned library.

*: Not necessarily cuddling. More along the lines of groups of Ponyloafs™ ideally congregated around a good book with snacks.
**: Cushions are recommended, but not required.

Instead of silent and calm bliss, Twilight’s five most colorful confidants nervously invited her to that same library for a “surprise.” What could it be? No doubt important for its sudden and unorthodox integration into her plans. A confession of love? No, that was quickly disproved with their weekly gossip, and that one time she was goaded into a drunk card game of which there was no recollection. Knowing more about the ponies, and other beings, closest to you is important... but there has to be a boundary. Right? Some things were just a little too graphic for discussion points at the spa.

Twilight gave an irritated snort that demanded answers from these potential traitors. “Well, 'bestest' friends? I’m waiting…” she all but growled as the others continued making eye contact with each other, searching for who had the bravery to confront the issue at hoof. The small, opened box lay by Twilight's hooves as she crumpled the small paper message that had lain inside. The parchment even seemed to smolder...

Ears flicked and splayed during the stressful situation until Rarity quietly snorts. “Dearest Twilight, you know we have the utmost concern for your well-being so take note that we did this with the best of intentions…” Rarity began as she attempted to justify their actions and explanations.

“Yeah Twilight, it’s not even that big of a deal” Rainbow brazenly adds, although the looks the others were giving her made her reconsider.

“NOT A BIG DEAL?!” Twilight yells with growing frustration. “How are any of you okay with this? Seriously? ‘Protecting my sweet innocence from barbarians that would abuse my goodwill’? Especially you, Fluttershy! I expected a lot better from kindness incarnate!” Okay, saying any of them were absolute paradigms of their elements is a bit much. Sparkle, however, is pissed. “Friendship is magic” her purple-colored flank, but... well yeah.

Fluttershy shies away, as she is wont to do with the attention focused on her. While looking to the ground and pawing the floor with her hoof, Fluttershy replies “I know it wasn’t one of our better ideas, but we were worried about you. We also thought it would be fine to help despite how well you did on your own. I’m sorry…” She almost starts tearing up; this, however, is overlooked by the confusing information that Twilight has to digest.

“Wait a moment, what do you mean by that?” Twilight retorts as her twitching eye regains traction on its streak.

“Do y’all really mean to tell us that you haven’t been just as guilty?” Applejack questions in bewilderment. The tension had only eased slightly as the five relax against this topic over being interrogated.

“Yeah Twily,” Pinkie pops in, “there were a bunch of times that happened that we even know of where you completely beat them back with a stick. Not like an actual stick or any violence involved. Liketherewasthisonetimewhenyou…” The pink pony elaborates a very long, too descriptive, and indecipherable event that Twilight immediately tunes out as she racks her brain for any evidence that her friends’ claims could possibly be true. A couple seconds later and Applejack places her hoof over Pinkie’s mouth to halt whatever incantation she may be accidentally, or purposefully, inciting. The world goes unconsumed by eldritch powers for another day.

“Woah now, sugarcube. Let me tell what happened, okay? Let’s see… remember that time bout a year after ya got them fancy wings?”

************************************************************************************

“...Therefore, Princess Sparkle, it would be both a great honor to me and an advantage for you if you would accept my request for your hoof in marriage.”

After the crazy events prior to and after becoming a princess and acquiring a castle, Twilight had decided that it would be at least 30% more efficient to bring ponies seeking help rather than having them go unnoticed. No longer would she have to wait for a light show on her flank for issues that could only be classified as a threat against harmony. These were some big hoof steps that only a true princess of Equestria could take.

Practically, she was almost like Celestia herself.

If only such actions could carry the same amount of glee regardless of life outside of it. After a few court hearings, the nobles quickly noticed such proceedings and tried to fill this avenue of potential. Lord Chamberlain, however, was much more direct in his desires than mere entitlement of property or a small accumulation of wealth via trickery.

Twilight was overjoyed with all the attention, but mostly for being able to help those who need it most. Morning Twilight that particular day threw all her cares into the trash after a late-night reading and study session. Cognitive dissonance grew to an all time high. It would be just wrong to cancel court in Friendship Castle because she felt slightly fatigued. She just had to remind herself to think of the ponies.

This is clearly what Celestia would want her to do.

She blearily stared and blinked at the noble with no clarity whatsoever. The cogs turned ever so slowly. “Hoof in marriage…” Twilight muttered. “I think I have that book around here somewhere. Guard!”

The guards resolutely standing next to the Cutie Map, that was temporarily absent of the other chairs, and along the hallway turned to attention. “Please escort this pony and acquire his marriage book on my behalf. Notify him of our late or damaged return policy and then escort him out. I wish you good luck on your quest, my little pony.” Another dose of caffeine down the hatch.

She tiredly smiled at another job well done as the burlier of the two guards in front of the map dutifully took Chamberlain towards the exit, book-less and unwanted. The noble remained silent in fear of the larger, armored stallion.

“Next pony in line, please!”

************************************************************************************

“Look, can you blame me? I didn’t mean to sick the guard on the poor stallion.”

Twilight recollected her thoughts as she sifted through Applejack’s info dump. “Although, thank you for bringing up a breach of security I will have to look into.” Twilight shook her head as she disregarded this event as her personal “War on Romance” that her friends are convinced she is putting as a front to find the perfect partner. Then she motioned for any of them to continue their faulty defense for their long-term initiative. Almost like guardian cupids whose arrows did not bring love and joy.

“About 5 months ago…hmm… that is to say…” Rarity played with how to tell about the next instance of many in the Princess Twilight saga. She did not just acquire the information first-hoof and it would be rather selfish and awful to reveal names. “Darling, you know how far the gossip mill runs in Ponyville, yes?”

****************************************************************************************************

Late Summer of the 17th, 2:34 PM

Unassuming ponies loitered and ate at one of Ponyville’s most frequented establishments. There was an innocuous calm that they all knew when the town wasn’t threatened by disaster. The employees, however, knew fear.

A great storm was approaching. It only arrived around every two weeks, but they trembled every time. They begged, pleaded, and prayed for more time as the workers inevitably waited for the most exhaustive trial in their careers. The cashier nervously sweat as a purple figure trotted beyond the window panes of the Hay Burger restaurant towards the entrance.

The end was *neigh*.

Princess Twilight Sparkle opened the door to her favorite shop in the village, but was quickly followed by a fairly wiry stallion. “Sir, I’m not sure you’re listening to me” she responded to some ongoing conversation as they got closer to the front counter. “I don’t know what anything has to do with my temperature. I already checked four times with a royally certified medicinal spell to search for common and more obvious illnesses and it has been clean every single time.” Certainly, it could not be in reference to any sort of affection. Maybe it was the weather? Summer was particularly hot at that point.

Her ill-intentioned pursuer just quickly brushed his wavy mane as he walked and gave a knowing smirk at the game he knew she was playing. “Your majesty, clearly such a spell doesn’t account for everything, especially in your beautiful heart.”

The unicorn may have added what they should actually be doing, but was interrupted by matter of principle by the alicorn. “You were right, but also wrong. Serious heart conditions are examined, but buildup before such things can take place tend to go unnoticed until they become a problem. For a less serious example, the spell would not tell you I’m moderately hungry right now as I place my order” Twilight explained and did exactly as she said. “Excuse me sir, I’ll have two number 9s, a number 9 large, a number 6 with extra dip, a number 7, two number 45s, one with cheese, and a large soda, please.”

Short story made even shorter, the stallion quickly left in small parts disgusted, but mostly embarrassed as he took notice of every pony around watching him sitting next to the great demolisher herself. All matter of food was massacred and none were spared such a sight. Only the princess was confused on why he left and where all the uncomfortable expressions came from.

************************************************************************************

“Why does no pony tell me about how I act!? If at least one pony told me about it, I could save myself from such poor table manners and the humiliation that comes with it!” Twilight was once again frustrated at herself and others. A recurring theme, it appears. “I could have just ordered it to go too” she grumbled.

“I thought it was hilarious!” Pinkie exclaimed with unnecessary enthusiasm. “Besides, you didn’t ask and I didn’t have a shift that day. I was making pastries!” The crazy party pony licked her lips in remembrance of the delectable leftovers she was allowed to eat at the end of the day.

“Besides Twilight, no pony wants to get put in the slammer for baseless accusations against the royal purple” Rainbow, once again, added her two bits with very little sympathy.

“You girls know I wouldn’t do that…”

“Yeah, but they don’t. That polished pedestal you got placed on is pretty high up there. Not to say that it could ever be taller than I can fly, of course.” What is this? Wisdom from the wonderbolt feather-brain? What has this world come to?

“I’m almost afraid to ask if you girls have anything else to bring to my attention before my family, and probably everypony else out in the living room starts to either worry or have unclean thoughts” Twilight bemoaned. How could all these troubles escape her notice? She forgot to add them in her diary-list, didn’t she?

“Ooo ooo, pick me, Twily! Pretty please!?” Pinkie bounced and invaded the alicorn’s privacy as she desired attention.

“How about no… Fluttershy? Anything to add?” The mentioned pegasus instinctively and partially unfurled her wings as she was startled from social interaction.

“W-well, please don’t be mad, but one of my little friends... you know the woodpecker, right? He is really curious about your house being shaped like a tree, and he saw:

************************************************************************************

Literally one week prior to Hearth’s Warming…

The small bird was still within the pony village despite many flocks having left for warmer climates. He was just too curious of the nature of the castle that vaguely resembles a very, very tall tree. It was cold, smooth on some parts, and he barely made a dent, but he would solve this mystery.

Suddenly, the peace was broken by a couple resounding knocks on the front door. Some would shy away from the disturbance, but the woodpecker only quickly retreated to a tree nearby. It observed the upcoming encounter with complete impassiveness.

Twilight answered the door to a strangely clothed, white-collared stallion while only half-attentive. One of her most treasured books, Discoveries in Magic, vol. 14 levitated in her grasp as she thoroughly dissected the printed words. It was released a couple days ago and just arrived in her domain. Nothing could succeed reading in significance.

The tanish stallion with a slick, black mane and mustache was unaware of her priorities. “I have come from far and wide over this bitter cold land to see you, my destiny. Mi amor…” the poor, lovesick colt began before he was interrupted.

“Alright sir, I can tell you’re from the Spaneigh isles, but whoever told you this was the Crystal Empire was wrong. If you want to meet Princess Cadence or acquire residency in the empire, you’ll have to get there through the train station southwest of this castle right over there.” She pointed with her hoof after a brief glance towards the snow-covered building where a railway laid. “I wish you safe travels, sir. Goodbye” the princess said as she promptly shut the doors and returned to her greatest source of references/bookfort in her home.

************************************************************************************

Twilight was quite frankly flabbergasted. Then she teleported her diary-list and read through some entries. One point of nonsense that changed everything. Something not unlike the circumstance she had gotten herself into right then and the events leading to it. Only one chimera she knew could instigate such utter silliness.

Lastly, she settled for being furious.

“This can’t be happening. No! I’ll never admit it! Discord can’t be right!” Twilight began to pace. “First of all, I appreciate your help, girls, but I can handle myself. Secondly…” There was a knock at the door before it opened. It was that one burly, personal guard mentioned not too long ago.

“Your highness, is everything alright in here? The other princesses are starting to worry and her majesty, Princess Cadence recommended that I should offer my aid.” The guard hesitantly walked inside the library. “Although, her smirk was very ominous…”

Comprehension dawned on Twilight as her face changed from anger to determination. “Actually, yes. I could use your help.” The royal plot shuffled its way to the guard before pressing against him, side-to-side, as she brought her wing over his armored back and withers.

“Egghead, where are you going?” Rainbow asked even though she had her suspicions. These were nearly confirmed as the princess rubbed against the guard and guided him out of the room.

“We’re going to read my favorite book, Dash” Twilight responded as she thought back to the entry she made some time after becoming a princess.

Discord kept pestering her in her own home when he wasn’t doing Celestia knows what or having a tea party with Fluttershy. He said his nonsensical riddles were fated to happen, and she nearly dismissed them. ‘Remember Twilight, the real virginity was the friends you made along the way’ she remembered him mocking her.

“Not this time, Discord…” Twilight mumbled as she led the stallion to her secret, personal library and bedroom.

Author's Note

Yes! I did it! Can't say I'm that excited though.
I'll just be typical and disappointed of my work.
Some pointers would be nice though. :scootangel:

Edit: I don't know if this is phone-user friendly because of what I did on this site, or how I copy and pasted from gdocs. hmm...
Also spotted some, maybe not all, issues of past vs. present