What Does "Foreplay" Mean?
It was yet another day in Ponyville, and Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash were in the middle of their favorite weekly activity. They were currently near the edge of Ponyville on the edge of a dirt path that was surrounded by trees and wildlife. It was the perfect place for a nature walk for most ponies, but for the two mares sitting in one of the nearby bushes, it was the perfect place to pull a prank.
Tied to trees on either side of the pathway, there was a white string that lay stretched out just above the dirt floor. It was clear that the intention was to trip the first pony that would be unfortunate enough to walk by, something that Pinkie had called “An oldie but a goodie.”
The worst part about this particular prank was the waiting that came right afterward. Both mares were sitting in a bush only a few feet away from the string waiting for their victim to come into view, getting more and more bored as the minutes ticked by.
Eventually, Rainbow Dash groaned and put her hooves on her head. “It’s been half an hour, Pinkie. “Let’s just call it and find another prank to do.”
“Come on, Dashie, just a little longer,” the pink mare beside her pleaded, her twinkling eyes begging her friend to allow more time.
Rainbow Dash simply rolled her eyes and groaned. “Fine, but just for a little longer. I want to make sure we have time to-”
“Wha-? Oof!”
The sudden sound of a pony’s voice and a thud on the ground made both mares peak outside of the bush they were concealed in. Flat on the ground and grimacing as she started to stand up was their friend Twilight Sparkle. The red book that sat right by where she had fallen indicated that she had been reading while walking, making her fall even more inevitable.
Seeing this, both Pinkie and Rainbow fell over on the ground in laughter, which made Twilight turn towards them and scowl.
“It worked!” Rainbow cheered between her laughter, “I can’t believe it worked!” When her laughter died down and she noticed the light from the sun had been blocked out by a shadow. She opened her eyes to see the purple alicorn giving her a disapproving stare.
“Haha,” Twilight deadpanned. “I forgot it was Sunday. I should have known you two would try to prank me today.”
“We weren’t trying to prank you,” Pinkie said defensively. “We were just going to prank the next pony who came down this way, and that was you!”
Twilight rolled her eyes, but couldn’t stop a small smile from coming to her face. “Alright, alright. Maybe I got a little upset. But you should probably plan pranks where the pony can’t get hurt so easily.”
Rainbow noticed the book that was still laying in the dirt and trotted over to pick it up, dusting it off with her wing. “Well, maybe you would’ve seen the rope if you weren’t such an egghead.”
Rainbow was surprised when the book was levitated from her grasp over to Twilight, who was blushing fiercely. “I-It’s nothing! Just something I’m sure you would find incredibly boring.” She held the book away from Rainbow’s line of sight but forgot that Pinkie was right behind her.
“From Vanhoover with Love,” she read aloud. Twilight blushed harder and hid the book away from Pinkie, allowing Rainbow to see it this time.
“Geez, you're right Twi’. I wouldn’t want to read that, but tell me,” she leaned in closer to her friend that was now more red than she was her natural purple color, and smirked, “why would you?”
Twilight’s eyes darted around, looking for a way out while trying to stammer out an excuse. When both attempts failed she gave up and looked to the ground in embarrassment. “I was doing research on romance.”
“So?” Rainbow questioned.
“I wanted...I wanted how t-to get a marefriend.”
There was a thick silence between the three ponies that was cuttable with a knife. Twilight was still staring at the dirt path, while both Pinkie and Rainbow were processing this new information.
Pinkie was the first one to break the silence.
“This…
“...is…”
“...AMAZING!!!”
She wrapped her hooves around her friend and pulled her into a tight hug. Twilight looked surprised but gladly accepted it. After a few seconds, Pinkie released her grip and smiled. “I can’t believe it! Can you believe it, Dashie? Our little Twily’s in love.”
Rainbow smiled coyly again, trotting over to Twilight and poking a hoof into her ribs in a joking manner. “So, who’s the lucky pony, Twily?”
Twilight blushed even more now to the point where she appeared to be a pony-shaped tomato. She took a step away from the pegasus and dug her hoof into the ground. “Well, I...it’s Fluttershy.”
Another pause surrounded the three ponies, and Twilight instantly regretted revealing the identity of her crush.
“Well you sure picked the right mare to go after,” Rainbow said. Twilight looked up and saw that she was smiling, not in a cocky sort of way as before, but with genuine care and kindness.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean Fluttershy’s into mares.”
Twilight Sparkle could not believe what she was just told Twilight’s mind exploded into a sea of celebration and fireworks. To her, this was a dream coming true. Her mouth turned upwards immediately and she had to take a deep breath to contain how excited she was.
Eventually, she felt she was calm enough again to speak. “Alright, thank you for telling me.” She began to walk away casually when she stopped and turned around to her two friends again. “Oh, one more thing. Can I ask a big favor from you two?”
“Of course, Twilight,” Rainbow said. “We always want to help.”
“Yeah, what do you need?” Pinkie asked, getting excited.
Twilight smiled brightly in gratitude. “Thanks, you guys. Alright, so at first I was just reading this book to try to get some ideas on how to tell her. The main character in the story told her crush that she loved him through a letter that she sent with a rose, so I decided that I’ll try doing that too.”
“Awww, that’s so cute, Twilight,” Pinkie cooed.
“Thanks, but then I got hooked on the story.”
“Why am I not surprised?” Rainbow asked, making all three ponies chuckle.
“Anyways,” Twilight continued, “I kept on reading, but then I started to run across words that I didn’t know the meaning of. Yes, yes, I know. What a shock,” she said, answering the two ponies surprised faces. “The words seemed like they were really romantic, so I thought once I knew the meanings of them I would be able to incorporate them in my letter.”
Pinkie Pie agreed right away, but Rainbow Dash tilted her head. “But why would you ask us? I understand not asking Fluttershy since she’s the pony you’re trying to write the letter to, but why not Rarity or even Applejack?”
“Because you two are right here right now, and I figure that you might know at least some of them.”
Rainbow exchanged a look with Pinkie and shrugged. “I guess that makes sense.”
“Okay, so at first there actually weren’t a lot of words that I didn’t know, but then it got to a point in the story where the two were in bed together and then it started to get a little difficult. The first one was something called foreplay. Is it a game of some sort?”
Rainbow’s eyes became saucers and her chin hit the ground. She felt her face heat up and she became embarrassed what kind of words Twilight would need help identifying.
Pinkie just started laughing. “Isn’t it obvious, silly filly? It’s a game you play when you go on a date with your coltfriend or fillyfriend. It’s super fun.”
“Really? I never knew that. Alright, I’ll tell her in this letter that we can do it. She’ll be so excited!”
Rainbow Dash came to her senses finally and put a hoof around Pinkie. “Hey, Twilight, could you please excuse us for a moment?” Twilight nodded and Rainbow dragged her pink friend to the side.
“What the hay are you doing?”
Pinkie smiled and winked at Rainbow. “I’m pulling off the most super-duper perfect prank ever! Just play along and this will go alright.”
“Pinkie, what do you-” Then the lightbulb went off in the pegasus’ head, and she got a cunning smile. “Alright, I see where you're going with this.”
Pinkie winked one more time before they trotted back to Twilight. “Sorry Twilight. I just wanted to remind Dashie about a dream I had last night.”
“Wasn’t she the one who wanted to talk to you in the first place?” Twilight pointed out.
“Yes,” Pinkie replied.
Twilight looked confused for a second before shaking it off as another one of Pinkie’s many antics. “Alright anyways, my next one is something called a hickey. What is that supposed to mean.”
Rainbow stifles a laugh before responding, “It’s a type of gift you’re supposed to give the pony your dating once you both confess your love for each other.”
“Is that normal for ponies?”
“Oh yeah, lots of relationships are based around them. It’s kind of like a tradition almost.”
Twilight pulled out a sheet of paper and a quill and jotted down something while nodding. “Alright, I should make sure that Fluttershy knows I’ll want to give one to her.”
“Oh absolutely,” Pinkie giggled, “We wouldn’t want her to get the wrong idea or anything. Right Dashie?”
“Oh certainly not,” the pegasus replied with a wave of her hoof and a smirk.
“The next word I have is missionary, and even though I know what it means, I think it has a different meaning based on the way it was used in the book.”
“Ooh, ooh, I know, I know,” Pinkie said while raising a hoof. “It’s when a pony goes out to do a special errand for their very special somepony, and when they go out they come back with something super romantic and surprising for them, like a rose, a bracelet, or candy! Lots and lots of candy!”
“That makes sense, given the normal definition,” the purple alicorn said while scribbling some more. “I bet she’ll love the missionary!”
“Yeah,” Rainbow said smugly, “I bet.”
Twilight then continued, “Then there was fingering. I literally have no clue what that means at all.”
“Nopony does, but it's like holding hooves while walking.” Pinkie explained.
“That one just confuses me, but it seemed like something the two ponies in my story were doing when they got close, so I’ll find a place for it.” Twilight wrote a little more before adding with a giggle, “Fluttershy will love it when I finger her, I just know it!”
“Oh my Celestia,” Rainbow Dash whispered to herself, tears from her suppressed laughter starting to stream down her face. Lucky for her, Twilight didn’t seem to notice as she moved on.
“Alright, last one. Cunnilingus, and like fingering, I’m clueless. It almost sounds like a monster if nothing else.”
“It’s actually a type of song,” Rainbow piped up, having wiped the tears from her eyes. “It’s a type of really romantic song you perform for her, but this one isn’t really needed, just if you really want to.”
Twilight scratched her quill across the parchment one last time before looking over it for a few seconds. “I think we got them all! Thank you so much for your help girls, I really appreciate it.
“Of course!” Pinkie exclaimed. “It was our pleasure.” The choice of words once again almost made Rainbow fall over in a pit of laughter.
“Have a good rest of the day girls! Don’t hurt anypony!” She waved one last time before she turned around in the other direction from where she came, humming a happy tune and skipping.
When she was out of sight, both of the remaining mares fell to the ground, rolling around in laughter.
“That was great,” Rainbow chuckled. “She’s how old and the mare doesn’t even know what foreplay is? Did she miss sex-ed at magic school or something?”
“I don’t know,” Pinkie giggled, “but didn’t we just pull the best prank ever?”
“Yeah,” Rainbow sighed, looking down the way in which her friend went. “We sure did.”
Author's Note
This one was originally going to be just one chapter, but I got a few ideas along the way, so here we are. This kind of humor is interesting for me because although I don't find it funny, I do see the irony and interest behind it, which always makes writing that way weird. Thanks for reading!
Spike had been out all morning doing errands for Twilight and was now coming back to the castle carrying in his claws a large number of bags. Most dragons or ponies his size would have easily dropped the large assortment, but since he was so used to it from his many years of being the assistant of Twilight Sparkle, OCD in pony form, it was no problem for him. He had also gotten used to juggling the many responsibilities that he was given. Sometimes he got very little and other times his plate would be full, but he always got them done, really earning his title as #1 assistant.
Today had been a middle-of-the-road day in that regard, not really that busy, but enough that it had kept him out and about for a couple of hours. He had gone to the Quills and Sofas store to get more quills, to Sweet Apple Acres to get a few pink ladies, and to Sugarcube Corner to buy some cupcakes. He was lucky he didn’t run into Pinkie Pie because, although she would have been able to get him his order fast, he would have had to sit through half an hour of her blabbering on about something random and weird. One time he only needed some balloons for a spell Twilight was working on and his pink friend had launched into a conspiracy theory about a secret cult of ponies who go into the woods every third Wednesday to share secrets about pizza making. Her proof was that she once saw a rock there that had an etching that looked like a slice of pizza. The worst part was that was one of her more sane theories.
When he got back to the castle, he noticed right away a few things were askew. First, there were dirty hooves all over the rug and in the main castle hallway as well. Even though he knew his alicorn friend tended to not be the most cleanly being in Equestria, he still found it strange how she hadn't even bothered to wipe her dirty hooves on the mat. It was only a few seconds later that he found the second thing wrong. He looked over to the side and saw a pink book that seemed to have been cast aside based on the fact that the spine was up and the pages were on the floor, spread out in a way that Spike knew would probably bend at least some of the paper. He knew how much his friend loved books, and how she had once thrown a fit when Rainbow Dash had made the fatal mistake of leaving the third Daring Do book pages down to hold her place. Long story short the pegasus now has her very own collection of limited edition Daring Do bookmarks.
Spike assumed that Twilight had thought of something she needed to do or made some discovery, so after a few seconds, he didn’t really think about it. He proceeded down the hallway and into the map room to put all of the things he had bought on the table.
“Twilight, I’m back,” he announced, waiting a few seconds for a response. When none came he decided that she must be somewhere in the castle’s extensive library and began to make his way there.
When he got there he noticed the door was slightly ajar he nudged it further open with one of his claws and peered in. Nothing was unusual or out of place except for the alicorn sitting in the corner with a quill levitating over a sheet of parchment and a bunch of discarded ones scattered across the floor. Although this was pretty typical for his friend, it was usually only when she had an assignment for Princess Celestia, and Spike couldn't think of any that needed to be done, so he decided to go in and see what she was doing.
Right as he began to enter he saw her toss another used sheet over her shoulder and start fresh, so he quietly went behind the mare and tapped her on the shoulder to snap her out of her daze.
"Twilight?" he asked to get her attention. "What are you doing? I didn't know Princess Celestia assigned anything."
Twilight didn't give any indication of hearing him for a few seconds, and right as he was about to try again he saw her head snap around to see him.
"Oh, hello Spike. When did you get here?"
"Uh, just a few seconds ago. I tried to get your attention but I guess you were working too hard."
Twilight turned down and looked at all the papers she had scattered across the floor. She turned back to Spike and smiled sheepishly. "I guess I was in a bit of a daze, huh?"
"I'll say," Spike responded. "What are you working so hard on anyways?"
"It's something private, but if all goes well then you should know about it soon." Spike noticed the alicorn smiled a bit when she said this.
"Well, if I'm going to find about it in a little while anyway then why not just tell me now?" Spike asked.
"If you'll find out in a little while anyway then why not just wait a little bit?" Twilight shot back. She then turned back around and started to write again.
Spike rolled his eyes and turned around to walk away when he stepped on one of the dozens of pieces of parchment. He tried to shake it off but it was stuck to the claws so he reached down and pulled it off. He stared at the paper that now had three holes where his claw had gone through and began considering his options. On the one hoof, he could just drop the paper, walk out the door, and wait for a few more days like Twilight had told him, but on the other, he really wanted to see what was so important that his friend couldn't share with her own assistant. He also figured that since he was her personal assistant, something like this fell under his jurisdiction to keep track of for her.
Needless to say, he went for the latter option and uncrumpled the letter.
Dear Fluttershy,
"SPIKE!"
Spike jumped at the exclamation and then again as the paper glowed purple and found its way back to the pony that it came from originally. Twilight had noticed him reading one of her discarded letters and start to read it and jumped in before he could get very far. She was now looking down at the dragon with a scowl and, as Spike noticed, a little bit of red on her cheeks.
"I told you that you would find out soon! Why are you snooping around now after I told you to wait?"
"Because I wanted to know what the pony I'm supposed to be assisting wasn't letting my assist with," Spike retorted with his arms extended, wondering what the big deal was, "and if you're just writing a letter to Fluttershy, what's so special about it?"
Spike expected her to defend herself and say something about how it was something official or something private, but instead she just hugged the letter even closer to herself and stared blankly off into space.
"Uh, Twilight, are you okay?" Spike asked after a moment after a few seconds of silence, but instead of an answer, she gave him a question of her own.
"H-how much of...of that letter did you read, S-S-Spike?"
Spike found himself cringing at the nervousness in the tone of her voice, and he quickly went to her side to put a claw of comfort on her shoulder. "Calm down, Twilight. I only read the introduction. All I know is that you're writing some kind of letter to Fluttershy."
This only seemed to calm Twilight down a little bit as the grip on the piece of paper loosened a bit, but she still didn't say anything, so Spike got even more concerned.
"Seriously Twilight, this is starting to freak me out! Could you please at least tell me what the letter is about?"
Twilight sighed and shook her head. "I don't know Spike, I don't know."
"But maybe I can help you. You're clearly having a hard time writing it." He gestured to the piles of crumpled up pieces of parchment by his feet.
Twilight let out a dry chuckle. "I am, but I just don't know how ready I am yet."
"Ready for what?"
Twilight thought for a moment before she nodded and turned to the dragon. "Alright, I'll tell you, but you have to pinkie promise you won't tell anypony about this, alright?"
"I promise I won't," Spike agreed while signing all of the motions.
"Alright." Twilight took a brief scan of the room as if there might be a pony hiding behind one of the bookshelves or on the ceiling or something to hear her, and when you know Pinkie Pie it's always a reasonable precaution to take. When she was convinced that they were alone, she brought the dragon closer and whispered in his ear really soft, "I like Fluttershy."
"Well of course you like Fluttershy," Spike replied like it was the most obvious thing in Equestria. "I mean you ponies are all best friends, and I like Fluttershy too, and...and we all...wait...oh..." The realization may have come slow, but it still came to the young dragon. "You're saying you have a crush on her?"
Twilight opened her mouth to speak, but no words came out, so she just nodded her head. The next seconds felt like years, and both the pony and dragon thought they heard Starlight drop a pin somewhere on the other side of the castle.
"Well," Spike broke the silence, "it's a perfectly normal feeling to fall in love with somepony. You know that even I get that feeling with Rarity."
"I know," Twilight said, "but I'm just so scared."
"Why?" Spike's question made Twilight look up with curious eyes, signaling him to continue. "Is it because of rejection or because she's a mare or something else?"
Twilight shook her head. "I've come to terms with my sexuality a long time ago, and even though the thought of her not liking me back has come up, I know that we will still be close in the end, whether as friends or as partners. I'm more worried about conveying all that I feel about her in a single letter."
"So that's what the letter's for," Spike realized. "But why not just go to her and tell her how you feel. Wouldn't you be able to get more off your chest?"
"I...That's something that I am definitely afraid of doing, and knowing Fluttershy it's probably best to wait for her to come to me with an answer instead of unintentionally pressuring her into one on the spot."
"That's true."
"But does it have to be this hard? I have written Celestia knows how many letters in my life, and now I can't even figure out how to send a simple love letter. I just read a book on it and everything! How many times have I been unable to do something I've researched before?"
"Only that time when you tried to find a Magic Enhancing Drug for yourself. Celestia was not very happy with you." He smiled sheepishly when his comment earned him a glare.
"Regardless," Twilight continued, "I think I'm getting close, however, I really feel I'm still not saying how much I love her."
"Once again you're overthinking everything, Twilight," Spike told his friend who now looked half angry and half confused. "You don't have to get into the nitty-gritty right now. All you have to do is say a few introductory things, maybe a thing or two for what you like about her, and then send it! Easy as Pinkie Pie!"
Spike looked relieved when Twilight started to consider it because that meant she wasn't going to shoot it down right away like so many other times she thought she knew best. The poison joke may have been fun for him, but it certainly wasn't for the rest of the gang.
"Thanks, Spike," Twilight smiled with appreciation with a nod. "I think you may be right. I just need to say how I feel, plain and simple."
"You're welcome Twilight," Spike replied. He saw her open her hooves to offer a hug, which he accepted. He hung on for a few seconds before releasing her and was relieved to find that she seemed a lot happier and calmer than when he had found her a few minutes earlier. "So when are you going to finish that letter? I have to get dinner ready. Should I tell Starlight it will be another two hours?"
Twilight rolled her eyes and waved a hoof at the joke. "I'll be done soon. I think I know what to say now. Just go get it started right now while I write this out." She turned around and levitated her quill over again and dipped it in the ink next to her. "I can't wait to tell Fluttershy about the amazing foreplay I imagine us doing."
"That's what I- Wait, WHAT???"
Twilight turned around abruptly. "Spike, what's wrong?"
Spike shook his head and made sure that his ears were still functioning properly. "What did you just say?"
"I said that I really want to tell Fluttershy about the foreplay I want us to do in this letter. Isn't that a normal thing to do in a relationship."
Spike felt his face burn hotter than the sun, and he fumbled around for a few seconds before he answered. "I mean, it is, but, um... don't you think it's a little too early to start talking about that kind of stuff? I could see maybe with Rainbow Dash, Celestia knows what she thinks about, but I seriously doubt Fluttershy would be comfortable with that."
"Why? If she's doesn't want to play Twister, she can pick whatever activity she wants to do."
Spike had to process this new information. "But...but... I mean I guess if you really think she's into that kind of stuff then go ahead, but just remember that she's a delicate mare."
"Uh, sure Spike. Now go start dinner. You know how Starlight gets when she's hungry."
After that, she turned around for the final time and got to scribbling on a new piece of parchment. Spike stood frozen for a second before shaking his head and leaving the room, but not before hearing Twilight giggle, "Wait until I tell her about the hickey I'm going to give her."
While he was preparing for dinner, which was Spaghetti and Hayballs, Spike couldn't stop thinking about the touching moment with Twilight that had turned weird in less than another moment. It was one thing that she was trying to get a marefriend, but it was another that she wanted to do so much so quickly to her. It made Spike suddenly not hungry, so he had made less Spaghetti than usual.
"Smells good in here Spike," Starlight Glimmer complimented as she walked through the door and sat at the table.
"Thanks," he said with a monotone voice that Starlight picked up right away.
"Is something wrong?"
"No," Spike replied as he almost gaged, "everything's alright."
Starlight just shrugged and got herself a glass of water and waited at the table for dinner in silence, leaving Spike to his own thoughts again.
"I never would have thought she had a fetish for Twister. Clue maybe, but not Twister."
Author's Note
I realize this chapter is very similar to the last, but the next one will definitely be different. Thanks for reading!
