Advance Directive

by Estee

Rating: teen
Tags: Dark, Death, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Slice of Life
Length: 7137

Shortly before a mission starts, a palace functionary asks the Bearers to consider the medical circumstances under which they would prefer to die. It's a perfectly normal question. It's also something nopony ever wants to think about.

Missions come with risks. They usually don't think about that. They have many ways of not thinking about it and given how many missions they've been on, some of them have not been thinking about it for a very long time.

They were just waiting for a new mission to start. Then somepony came along and asked them to write down every medical circumstance under which, by their own legally recorded desire, they would prefer to die.

And now the thoughts won't stop.

(Now with author Patreon, SubscribeStar, and Ko-Fi pages.)

Published 2020-12-30 03:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2020-12-30 03:00:02 UTC

Dead Serious

It was the sort of partly-cloudy winter day which, for those eagerly waiting in the isolated palace room, existed as something close to intermittent illusion. If they had been outside, the chill wind would have sluiced through their fur. Every gust would have been a gift from the season delivered directly to the bone, along with a reminder of the fact that they'd been summoned to the palace that quickly and part of what was holding up the actual mission was waiting for their luggage to arrive.

To be outside would have meant receiving rather frequent reminders of the cold, and not even the outer wall of the palace seemed to be capable of shutting all of it out. The room itself (empty, plain, one of the areas used to store things which were waiting to be put into use and right now, it was storing Bearers) seemed to be leaking heat, and to fully lie down upon greyish-white marble was to feel every degree being pulled away from the body. They were on the floor regardless, as there was no other place upon which to rest.

The air was cold. But there was an illusion at work, and it had been created by a pair of fully-real conditions.

The first came from Sun, because it was one of those winter days where the atmosphere had been set in ice and every ray of light was warm. During those times when they were resting directly within its glow, it was possible to pretend that they were waiting within something much closer to spring. There was but a single large window in the unused room, and so six mares had huddled closely together within the glowing stream of heat. The mares could be frequently found in such close proximity, and it let them warm each other.

They were also wriggling with excitement. The exertion was giving its own little boost to the local temperature.

"Kazakh!" Rainbow gleefully crowed as flared wings added a little extra emphasis (along with poking Applejack's left hip). "Can you believe we're going to Kazakh? Hardly anypony ever gets to go there!"

"It's supposed to be incredibly exotic," Rarity noted. "And with so few ever having been invited within their borders..." The corona around her horn flickered slightly, soft blue energy adjusting the fall of her tail. "I asked for the palace to fetch at least two blank sketchbooks from my home. With any degree of fortune, their fashions might serve as inspiration for my summer line!" The designer smiled. "Especially since once we arrive there, we will be in their summer! Think about it, everypony. We are perhaps mere days away from being truly warm." Thoughtfully, "Or perhaps hours? Actually... Twilight?"

"I don't even know how we're getting there," Twilight pointed out. "With that much distance to cross, it's got to be magical transportation." Her own wriggling was beginning to accelerate. "Relay teleports? Some kind of new air carriage? There's just so many possibilities!"

"...I want to see their animals," Fluttershy softly offered. "Even the species which are normal to us... they're different there. There's a marbled polecat. Hardly anypony's ever seen one. Or gotten a picture. There are journals which would love a good picture..."

"So that's why y'asked t' borrow Spike's camera," Applejack deduced.

"...yes. Just getting any credit on the article..."

"I wish he was coming," Pinkie sighed. "It's not going to be the same without him." The wriggling of the welcoming soft form was momentarily replaced by the vibration of irritation. "I know every nation has its own laws, but what kind of law bans dragons from ever coming over the border?"

"Likely some event in their past," Rarity decided. (Two extra tail curls carefully arranged themselves.) "Such things tend to echo into law."

"But Spike didn't do anything! He's going to be stuck at home, all alone, wondering what we're doing..."

"He'll get through it," Twilight firmly decided. "He always does."

Sun's rays became a little more intense. They basked, waiting for a new adventure to start.

"So what do y'all know 'bout this place? 'cause most of what Ah've got is the name."

"That would require some degree of narrowing down, Applejack," Rarity suggested. "A starting topic?"

The farmer thought it over, as faint gleams of airborne dust flowed around the hat.

"How's the food? 'cause we're gonna be stuck on that for a while. Need t' know if Ah'm goin' t' a palace kitchen t' stock up on rations."

"I heard it's really spicy," Rainbow immediately said. "The spiciest thing ever!" Thoughtfully, "Somepony told me that if anyone with fur that's browner than yours tells you that the food is spicy, you'd better believe them."

The other five visibly thought about that for a while.

"I'm pretty sure fur hue isn't scientifically linked to spice tolerance," Twilight decided. "Besides, just about all of the argali are brown. With some white."

"So just about all of the food is spicy!" The sleek features began to tilt into a smile. "Okay, first pre-mission bet! When we get there, we ask for the spiciest dish they've got, and then we'll see who can eat the most --"

She stopped, cyan ears twisting backwards. It took the rest of them a moment to pick up on what she'd detected: approaching hoofsteps. It was all about to begin...

The door opened.

The little unicorn had the sort of mane and tail gatherings which existed as tight bundles of what normally would have been free-flowing hair, and you had to call the display 'gatherings' because you couldn't call it a style. To say it was a style invoked the choice to present a certain look. The mare's too-formal posture, oversized glasses, and little red necktie directly stated that bundling the hair was simply a means of not having to think about it again for the rest of the day.

There was a pink bubble of corona floating next to her right flank, and it was holding a stack of papers. The fact that the mare was carrying paperwork wasn't the part which made the room's occupants begin to worry. It was more that every single edge had been exactingly lined up with every other, creating the appearance of a single sheet about a knee-height thick.

Twelve additional, smaller bubbles held inkwells and quills. The segregation didn't come across as encouraging.

"Good," the mare primly said, and it was one of those voices which suggested that 'good' possessed an entirely personal value. "You're all here, and there's still some time before departure. While you're all waiting, would you mind filling out some forms?"

Applejack found her voice first.

"Forms? For a mission? We've got the passports! Unless we've gotta declare what we're bringin' --"

"-- the Kazakh government will give you that paperwork when you arrive," the mare told them. "These are Equestrian forms. Entirely standard. If one is an employee of the palace --" and then there was something which wasn't so much a sniff as a statement that with any other mare, a sniff would have been forthcoming "-- which includes those who work part-time -- and one's duties involve some degree of risk, then one must fill it out."

Applejack's current expression suggested somepony who had been adding up all of the ones and found the total not to her liking. (This especially applied to the heading called Temperature Available, as Sun was going behind a cloud again.) "Right. Paperwork."

(Twilight quickly lowered her head, all the better to hide the wince behind somepony else's flank.)

"Overdue paperwork," the mare primly corrected. "Somepony should have had you fill this out years ago! But the oversight was finally noticed, and so we need it now."

"An' what are we fillin' out?"

The perfect posture developed a tiny dip in the center of the spine.

The mare briefly closed her eyes. Somewhat oversized white ears dipped, slowly lifted again.

"It is for the purposes of potential medical treatment," she told them all. "Because when working for the palace in your capacity, as with the Guards and certain other parties, there is a constant risk of injury. When that happens, there must be medical treatment and as palace employees, even part-time ones, that gives you access to the ministrations of the Royal Physicians."

"Oh, that's fine," Applejack smiled, the thick blonde tail now slowly swaying with open relief. "Ah've got a good family doc in Ponyville, but Ah got no problem givin' the Doctors Bear permission t' treat me --"

The mare's voice was soft. Measured. Tightly controlled. And it stopped every other attempt at speech in the room. It nearly stopped breath, and having the words emerge at the moment the cloud finished its work made it seem as if she had snuffed out Sun.

"This is called an advance directive," she told them, and the main bubble separated into six slices of paperwork, with one slightly thicker than the others. "Please write down every situation and medical condition where, if you are injured to the point where you would be unable to fully recover, you would prefer that the doctors allow you to die."

They couldn't move, not in body. There was no attempt to pull back as each set of papers lightly touched down in front of a chosen pony, followed by the soft tap of glass on marble. Ears twisted, eyes went wide -- but for their bodies, for any attempt to get away... they couldn't move.

"Take all the time you need," the mare gently offered. "Nothing will start until you're done."

She turned, and the last flicker of light closed the door behind her.

Most of the ponies in the room were staring at the delivered items. There were almost no true expressions, because to allow themselves the start of an emotion was to risk having it rampage through them, kicking at every internal support until there was nothing left holding them up. To feel anything at all seemed as if it would chance collapse, and paperwork made for a poor pillow.

There were almost no true expressions. One exception existed.

"Well!" a miffed Rarity huffed, and the resulting tail lash undid all of the recent curl work. "How... how... utterly unnecessary!"

It didn't bring back Sun. But it was normal, and that got them moving again.

"I know!" Rainbow laughed. "Thinking we're ever gonna --"

"-- I know for a fact that my personal physician made an extra copy for the palace! Because I sealed and sent it myself!" Carefully-tended teeth were beginning to grind against each other. "Clearly somepony has managed to misplace it. And now I have to do all of this a second time, when it should have been part of the official record for years?" There was a single hard head shake of disbelief. "How very irritating. Well, I suppose there's nothing for it."

Soft blue surrounded the stopper of the inkwell. Yanked, and a quill dip which was closer to furious jamming put tiny ink drops onto the floor.

"We begin again." She squinted down at the first line. "Full name..."

Stopped. Blinked. Slowly looked up again, and counted the number of gazes coming back.

A little too carefully, "...you are all staring at me."

"You --" Twilight stopped. Breathed, and kept doing so until oxygen had effectively saturated the little body. "-- you have one of these?"

The frown creased white fur.

"You do not?"

And then she was counting stares again.

"...oh," Rarity breathed. "Oh, dear. I... I know it is something that nopony wishes to think about, but given the nature of our lives, I had believed..."

The marble stole a few more degrees.

"Rarity," Twilight asked, eyes barely open now, "why?"

The first part of the answer was only a smile on technicality.

"I'm a unicorn of no special magical talent or skills," Rarity softly said, "possessing a little training in hoofticuffs and a touch of improvisation for what others mistakenly call 'fighting dirty', whose mark is for fashion and yet who is regularly asked to confront monsters, strange magic, entities of unknowable nature, and every other nightmare the world can present." With the smallest sigh anypony among them had ever heard, as the elaborate tail went flat upon the cold floor, "Twilight... there's such a thing as cumulative odds..."

Blue eyes closed, and so did not have to see the horror which had taken over every other face.

"I filled mine out more than two years ago," she told them. "Because at first, I did not wish to think about it. I... don't believe any pony really wishes to confront their own mortality too often. It's too easy to let those thoughts be the whole of you, for days or more. But I work in a profession which has death built into its very being. What is a concept falling out of acceptance, if not the death of an idea? The world once had an idea called Rarity Belle, and she stood among the death of her spring line, packing it away in case the seasons of fashion turned towards vintage, and... she wondered -- was she prepared to follow?"

She was nearly tied for the oldest among them: it was a rather tight race between designer and farmer, with a lead which could never be overcome. And at that moment, she looked older still.

"I put it off for a few more days," Rarity admitted. "But once you have the thought, you must honor it. To do otherwise is to potentially leave your fate pressed between the hooves of another. I imagine the decision would have fallen to my parents, and --" her lips briefly quirked "-- as much as I love them, they have had sufficient say in my life. I preferred to take authority over my death. So I went to my physician. We spoke for nearly two hours. Working out the list. The circumstances under which I would no longer wish to be saved."

"No!" Twilight's legs were almost flailing, hooves trying to find enough purchase with which to stand. "You can't! There's always --"

The softest voice cut her off. If often did.

"...what did you write down?" Fluttershy asked.

And then they were waiting. Looking at a friend whose eyes were still closed.

"I would hardly care to tell you all of it," Rarity finally said. "At one point, I had considered blindness as the final factor. But then I recognized that I could still ask somepony to take desired hues from a carefully-arranged storeroom, as I would still be able to see those colors within my mind. With care, I could sketch while blind, if another had to follow the pattern. I suppose I could even learn to sew without sight. So... it was largely about dream, Fluttershy. Were I to lose my imagination, the capacity for seeing what never was... then there would be no point to going on. I will not live in a world where I cannot dream about changing any part of it."

One last head shake, and then white lids slowly began to rise.

"There was so much to do after that," the designer sighed. "Arranging for my assets to be distributed. The final payment of my bank loan. Making sure Opal would have a new home... that almost took more time than the rest of it put together. But I only had to do it once. And when it was finished..."

She was looking at them now. Each in turn, from Applejack's solid features to the little twitch which had grounded itself in Pinkie's snout, Twilight's barely-repressed vibrations, Rainbow's strange silence, and Fluttershy --

"...I'm glad you thought about Opal," the caretaker softly said. "I... needed a lot of time for mine. But you only have Opal, and I have so many..."

Rarity simply nodded. The other four nearly pulled back.

The most recent speaker sensed the partial retreat more than she saw it, and slowly turned to face them. It took a while, as the obscuring manefall meant she had to use extra angles.

"...think about it," she quietly asked. "When I die --" with no change in the simple, accepting tone "-- and I will die, on a mission, from old age, disease, accident, from just being part of the world -- what happens to all of them? There's a few who could go back to the forest, but some of the others... they've been at the cottage too long. They wouldn't remember how to be on their own again, not for a long time, and that's the time when they could get hurt. And there's other caretakers around the continent. Not ones who speak to as many as I do, but... there's a pony who understands cats, another for most of the canids. The birds were easiest, because that one's just outside Canterlot. I wrote to all of them, and... there's an arrangement. When I die, if they're still around... my friends will be scattered to the ponies who'll understand them."

"Scattered," Twilight repeated in open disbelief, ears almost fully flattened. "Fluttershy, you're forgetting --"

With the softest of sighs, "...but it had to be fair. So I get their friends, if those ponies go first. It... made it easier on everypony, because we all knew our charges would have good homes." The full tail slowly swept across the cold floor. "Which still wasn't enough, because some marks aren't out there. Zoos felt like the worst option, but... there's a few good ones. I checked. Everyone will have somewhere to go."

"Everyone." It was Rainbow's first word in some time.

"...yes. Why?"

It was a very distinctive group silence, its nature was never identified by the target, and it represented the non-sound of five mares very carefully failing to ask who was going to be stuck with the rabbit.

"...anyway," Fluttershy eventually continued, "I even figured out what I wanted to do with my body. Most pegasi go for cremation, you know. Ashes returning to the sky. But I thought... the sod on my roof. Keep it green and growing. Because I'm hoping somepony will keep up the cottage. Maybe one day, somepony else will come along with my mark, my talent, and... they can just move right in. I won't mind. If it's soon enough after I go, maybe some of my friends can even come home..."

The lone visible blue-green eye checked over all of them in turn.

With open worry, "...that's all right, isn't it?"

Rarity smiled and in doing so, distracted Fluttershy away from Pinkie's little shudder.

"It sounds as if you've been exactly as thorough as your unique situation requires," the designer stated, and it was possible to see slightly-oversized wings relax. "It's actually rather impressive." Cautiously, "But if I may inquire -- and I will certainly understand if you do not wish to answer -- other than the final fate of your body, what did you record for yourself?"

The one visible eye blinked in purest confusion.

"...me?"

Rather carefully, "Yes. Since you were so cautious in assembling everything which needed to take place after your death, which situations did you decide would need to result in it?"

Beautiful features reluctantly contorted into a rather pretty wince.

"...oh, right," Fluttershy whispered. "...me..."

Her head went down. The stopper was delicately nipped off the inkwell. And slowly, carefully, she began to write.

They all watched her for a while, right up until everypony realized that the manefall made it impossible to see what she was putting down.

"I made the arrangements for my body, too. For the funeral."

And then they were all looking at Pinkie. (Fluttershy had more than enough manefall for her raised head to continue shielding the document.)

"Oh, come on!" The words were defensive, and managed to include that quality within the rather strange state of being defensively merry. "I had to! Who else was going to do it? Or who was going to do it right? And I keep having to go back and update the decorations! They're always making new styles of balloons --"

In an absolute sense, the librarian's next vocalization contained the word "-- balloons?" You just had to listen carefully through the hyperventilating squeak.

Applejack immediately shifted closer. A purple snout pressed tightly into the blond mane, then stayed there for a while.

"Better?"

"Yes." Followed immediately by "No. Pinkie, your funeral --"

"-- I had to plan it! I'm a party planner, sillies! Who else is going to --"

"-- party?!?"

Eventually, the oxygen level evened out again.

"Yes," Pinkie steadily continued after Applejack had shifted back and Twilight's rib cage was heaving at what the group considered to be one of the safer rates. "It's a party. I want ponies to celebrate my life, Twilight. It's okay to be sad that I'm gone, and I know there's times when everypony's going to miss me. I'll probably miss everypony, from wherever I am in the shadowlands. I'll have to wait, and I hope it's a really really long one. You can be sad that I'm gone -- but I want my funeral to be for remembering all the times I made you happy. So it's going to be balloons and cakes and talking about all of the old jokes, plus I saved some things for the funeral. A few of them will be in the memorial cards -- oh, no -- well, that's all you know, so no spoilers!" Thoughtfully, "But don't worry about my body. After I thought about it a little more, I cancelled the springs. It felt like a really mean thing to do and besides, I don't know how I'm going to die. Springs might mean everypony has to stop the party and look for pieces."

There were times when the best response to an extended Pinkie speech was silence, if only because screams of 'ARE YOU CRAZY?' potentially had a lifetime limit and, when it came to Pinkie, didn't apply.

"So I planned it all out. So the funeral would be right," the baker stated. "It's sort of the last thing I can do for everypony. And I had to make sure the instructions were exact, because I can't be the host. Just the guest." She frowned. "Centerpiece? Anyway, the Cakes have them. The funeral's okay. But... an advance directive..."

Her head dipped. The mane pressed in on itself from invisible weight.

"...I didn't think about that. And if I have to think..."

She shuddered.

"...Rarity doesn't want to live if she can't imagine anything. For me... I think it's going to be close to the same thing. Brain damage. If I don't have a sense of humor any more..."

Decibels were fading with every syllable, as the soft form shrank in on itself.

"...if I can't even tell what's funny. Maybe if ponies are only laughing at me instead of with me... if I lose myself that much..."

Her eyes closed. Opened again.

"I don't want to think about this," she stated.

"Then don't!" Twilight was visibly trying to keep herself out of a frantic state, and the rapid flicking of her tail visibly declared she wasn't managing it. "Nopony has to --"

"-- so I'm going to think about this now," Pinkie declared. "And then maybe I never have to think about it again." She lowered her head towards the quill --

-- stopped. Glanced up at Rainbow.

"It's not being able to ever fly again, isn't it? I'll understand if it's --"

"NO!"

The echoes were almost lost in the twinned yelps at the pegasus' sides.

"Rainbow, y'gotta be more careful!"

"Ow! That poked me! Right between the ribs! Everypony says a little extra padding helps with that and now I know it doesn't! It's a bad day already and now everypony's wrong? Come on --"

"-- not being able to fly?" It was half a bark, as if quickly-refolding wings had put enough pressure on Rainbow to shift her all the way into a different species: something reinforced by the partial snarl on her face as she glared at them all. "That's what you think of me? That if I can't fly, that's it? I give up right there? Find a nice tall building, maybe go to Canterlot and find a cliff overlooking the most sheer part of the mountain because at least it's one last flight all the way down?"

"Rainbow, you live for flying!" It wasn't quite a protest from Twilight, because you couldn't protest something without first accepting that it was happening. "And if you lost that, you don't have to -- nopony has to --"

"STOP TALKING!"

Twilight's jaw slammed shut. Fluttershy's head went down again. Applejack pulled in a breath between her teeth. Pinkie's eyes went moist. Rarity was simply silent.

"Let me talk," the weather coordinator finally said. "This is about me. So I talk."

Nopony risked so much as a nod.

"I know how aging works," Rainbow began, ribs slowly moving in and out as her feathers twitched at her sides. "I'm already trying to do stuff which slows that down. There's lots of different theories. Some of them need extra naps, so I'm ahead. But nopony gets to stay at peak performance for their whole lives. Nopony's a Wonderbolt forever. There's only so many years, even for the best of the best. You get to the point where you have to dip out of the formation so somepony younger can have the spot. Then maybe you're a trainer, and there's always the autograph circuit. Meeting kids who are going to be like I was, the up-and-comers who know every last name. Every last stat. And if training and the circuit aren't enough..."

Another, slower breath.

"I knew all the stats," she said as the light in the room slowly acquired another level of grey. "All of them. Here's one which a lot of ponies never looked up. Let's see if anypony here knows it."

Her gaze slowly shifted from one face to another, until everypony had been covered. It was strange, just to see her moving so slowly...

"How many ex-Wonderbolts have committed suicide?" Rainbow asked, and waited. A motionless form holding on their answers.

The first tear to fall was Pinkie's.

"Rainbow..."

"It's higher than zero." The bright hues at the front of the prismatic mane could have almost been dimming. "Let's leave it at that. And when you're a Wonderbolt, you have to think about formations going wrong, stunts that don't work out." Solidly, deeply, oh-so-slowly, "The important thing is to make sure you use it all while you've still got it. To be everything you can be, when you're still at your best. If I couldn't ever fly again, starting tomorrow... then maybe I'd just start training for the gallop. Or find some game I could learn, something I can beat everypony at once I've got it down. When it comes to flight... I brought the Rainboom back. Even if I never do anything else..."

It was a small smile. It was also a true one.

"...some kid is gonna remember me. I can just spend the rest of my life finding something else to be awesome at, because I'll still be alive. The only way that's gonna change is..."

She stopped. And because they were her friends, every other mare present immediately vowed to never admit they'd seen her shiver.

"...I need a promise. From everypony."

They waited.

"There's... stuff worse than losing flight." Her voice was low, the magenta eyes oddly deep. "It's what Rarity and Pinkie were talking about. Losing yourself. So if something happens where... you wouldn't even know me any more, or I wouldn't know you... if seeing that means all you're ever going to remember is a shell which doesn't even know how to die... promise me something. After they tell you what happened -- everypony just trots away. I can still fly in your thoughts. That's enough."

"Rainbow --" All five, all at once, and so she ignored the group.

"You don't come and see me," Rainbow stated. "Ever."

"Rainbow." Just above a whisper: nowhere close to Applejack's normal volume. "Ah don't think any of us can promise that right now..."

"Not right now," the pegasus partially repeated.

"We can't..."

"Cool," Rainbow decided. "I'll ask again tomorrow." She looked down at the papers. "A shell which doesn't even know how to die. I can fix that..."

And before they could do anything, she was writing.

"Stop being stupid!"

At least for a second.

The pegasus spat out the quill. "You're kidding, right? You've got to be kidding, Twilight! This might be one of the smartest things I've ever done, and I just have to do it once --"

"You're all talking about -- about --" Slim forelegs were gesturing in all directions and, when it came to directive, none. "-- you have to stop! None of you have to -- I'm not going to! I know what I'm going to do! I don't care how bad it is, how broken I am! I'm not giving up! That's giving up hope, and --" Her breathing was accelerating again, and it still couldn't keep up with the words. "-- look, even if it seems like everything is gone, like I'm gone, there's new advancements all the time! New spells, potions, sometimes somepony even finds a drug, and... as long as there's enough of me to have a heartbeat, it means there's a chance! There's a chance for everypony here, and you're -- you're all just giving up! You're saying you're going to... going to... you'll be gone, you won't come back, as long as you're still breathing there's a chance to come --"

"You can't know!" Rainbow's eyes were fierce, and her wings were just barely staying at her sides. "You don't have any way of knowing, Twilight! It could be decades, maybe the new magic shows up two hours before I die, I'm in pain for all the time before that, the pain's all I've got and there's just enough time to say goodbye, decades traded for two hours and that's if anything gets found at all --"

"-- or it gets discovered the day after you died! Maybe I discovered it, because I'd do anything to make sure you were okay, that you were alive, and I found it the day after you let yourself die!"

Waves of pinkish light flooded the room, and the little mare was on her hooves, the corona was projecting in five different directions, going for the papers, ready to squeeze and crumble and destroy --

-- only to touch a layer of soft blue.

"No," Rarity stated.

Shocked purple eyes just barely managed to focus.

"I can break that," Twilight softly declared. "You know I can --"

"-- and I also know you won't," Rarity cut her off. "If you wish to wait for a miracle, Twilight, then that is your decision. If you hope to be that miracle, then that might happen as well. But ponies have gone down dark paths, trying to subvert the simple fact of death. You should know that as well as any."

The slim jaw dropped, just enough to see.

Rarity simply used the opportunity to make direct eye contact. "And perhaps better than most."

Slowly, all four knees bent, and the little body sank back to the floor. Both horns went dark.

"It's wrong," Twilight whispered. "It's wrong to give up..."

"Our decision, each of us," Rarity simply replied, just before her expression softened. "I know you are afraid to lose us, Twilight. We're afraid of losing you." Multiple nods disturbed the grey air. "If you decide to hold on hope for yourself alone, that is the decision which applies to you. But eventually, at least one of us will be saying goodbye to another. Unless we are so dubiously lucky as to all go at once --"

"-- I'm waiting." The words just barely escaped from between tightly-pressed teeth. "No matter what. Maybe I won't even know that I'm waiting, if you want it to be that bad."

"None of us wish for --"

"Twilight, you've got to really-really think about this --"

"...you can wait for a miracle, but they don't always come --"

"And you're just going to leave us with a shell? Something which doesn't know we're there? Who are we visiting? If it comes to that, who's taking care of you, Twilight? Because you're planning to be around and empty for a long time --"

Which was when the little mare made a mistake.

"Oh, Spike will take care of me --"

The most powerful hind hooves in the room lashed backwards.

It took a moment before anypony could hear again, plus one more before they stopped staring at the new crack in the wall. It was something which brought them to the green eyes furiously glaring out from under the hat's brim, and that was enough to make them wish for the wall again.

"An' there it is," Applejack's harsh voice declared. "The mare who tries t' plan everything jus' laid out her little brother's whole life. He cooks for you now, he makes sure y'eat when the research goes on too long, he does whatever he can t' keep you on track an' because he's done that jus' 'bout from the day his egg hatched, his sister's made a decision. He can keep right on doin' it, because ain't ever gonna be nothin' in his life that's more important than you. Or that thing he's pushin' around which used t' be you, an' he's gonna keep doin' it jus' in case it's you again sometime. Say, like two hours before he dies. Love's one thing, Twilight, an' he loves you. Enough that he'd probably do it if'fin y'asked. An' after enough time lookin' after that shell, he'll hate his life, because all his life is ever gonna be is you. Love's one thing. Love means you know how t' let go, an' when. You're asking for slavery. An' the worst part is, y'want him t' sign off on it himself. For love. When if he loved you that much, he'd know when t' let you go."

Desperate now, as water and salt began to cloud the librarian's vision, "Applejack --"

"-- nuh-uh," stopped her. "Mah turn still, Twi: mine. 'cause y'wanna talk 'bout death?"

And then the largest body was standing. Towering over them all, as the hat fell off and a new kind of heat filled the room

"Why don't y'all talk to an expert?"

There might have been words which would have stopped her. A power strong enough to keep the farmer from speaking. There might have been, somewhere in the world, and if that power existed, it knew enough to stay away.

"Y'know what mah parents didn't leave us? A will. 'cause they had this little belief which a lot of ponies get, the delusion. Ah had it too. The one where y'don't think they're gonna die. Ah think they would have gotten 'round t' it when they were a little older, but the years ran out, 'cause they always run out an' y'don't know when. Mac, he was just old enough t' try an' get legal guardianship for us. But there were other candidates. Like this greedy cousin who tried t' get me an' Apple Bloom, 'cause if he got us, then the court had t' give him the land. That's when Granny stepped in. Clan elder backin' Mac up: judge decided that was enough. Bad moons gettin' there, though. Bad enough that Ah've got a will, Twi, had one before Ah got out of school, an' Ah update it every year so the same thing don't happen again."

She reared up, slammed both forehooves down for extra punctuation. Ponies jumped in concert with the fallen hat.

"But Ah didn't do no advance directive, 'cause that is what Ah didn't think 'bout. Not even takin' the blame there, 'cause Ah can't think 'bout it when Ah don't know it exists! An' y'know somethin'?" Orange nostrils had flared, were taking in huge snorts of air. "Ah don't want t' be a burden. Gettin' old, that's one thing. If'fin mah grandfoals gotta help me up the ramp on the days when mah bad hip is actin' up, that's the debt the young owe the old for makin' sure there's a world t' be young in. But they can still go out into the Acres after that, if lovin' the Acres is their mark an' soul. They can go to work, an' play, an' love. But if the full-time job is called 'keepin' Grany Applejack alive' -- no, Twi! Jus' no, now an' forever no, an' it's the same no where you're stuck in a lab for the rest of your life 'cause y'can't let me go! It reaches that point? Ah'm done. That's mah breaking point: Ah'm a burden. An' y'know the worst part? The absolute worst for all of it?"

One more slam, louder than anything which had come before --

-- and then the solid form was pressed tight against the stone.

"Now Ah've gotta translate all of that from 'heart' into 'medical'," Applejack sighed. "Probably gonna take a while."

She nipped the cork away from the top of the inkwell. Took up the quill in her teeth, and carefully angled her head.

The sound of writing entered the room, and then it multiplied by five.

Twilight stared from one lowered head to the other. Breathed in what was normally the most welcome of scents, found herself beginning to loathe the ink, started to move again and found Rarity immediately watching her --

-- she stopped. Sank low. Looked down, because at least she got to destroy her own papers --

"-- mine's thicker."

They all kept writing.

"Why is mine thicker?"

It was a mystery and even with something she intended to destroy, she wanted to find the solution. Pages turned.

They wrote through that, too. They only stopped when they heard the sobbing, and then five heads came up.

"Twi?"

"...it's..."

The little mare was all the way down now. Chin against the floor, ears pressed so tightly against the skull as to make her own thoughts into most of what she could hear, as the tears began to soak into her fur.

"...it's Spike. It's his papers. I'm his legal guardian when we're in Ponyville, because Mom and Dad are so far away. He can't fill them out because he's a minor. I have to. I..."

By the time they got close enough to press against her, the fur had already reached saturation.

"How am I supposed to... how can anypony..."

She just barely recognized the contact. Looked up, and found five friends looking back.

"We'll hold off a bit on ours," Applejack gently told her. "Stay with you while y'work on this. Tell you whatever we can that might help. It's gonna hurt, Twi. But... y'only got t' do once."

They kept that promise, all of them. They stayed with her while she filled out those papers.

Then they watched as she worked on her own.

They were waiting at the harbor of the new city, because the boat wasn't quite ready yet and apparently lowering a ramp to dock level was a process which could take a while. Twilight had been grumbling for several minutes about it being a boat. She was still hoping there were some enchantments involved.

"On the sails," she insisted. "At least on the sails, to catch more wind --"

"Pegasus domain," Rainbow immediately said. "And don't you forget it."

It was a little warmer in the harbor town, because the Weather Bureau didn't set the same schedule for everywhere. But it was still winter and while Sun was visible here, it was too windy to wait for long.

"Then I'm hoping on pegasus magic," Twilight grumped. "Any magic, so we don't lose a week or more just to getting there. It's just a boat..."

They watched her fume for a while.

"I'm going to add one thing after we get back," Pinkie decided.

"...to what?" was Fluttershy's mistake.

"My directive. I just thought of it. But it can wait. I don't think they have whoopie cushions in Kazakh."

Nopony said anything for a moment.

"I don't want to think about this any more," Twilight finally broke the silence.

"Everypony should think about it at least once in their lives," Rarity gently countered. "And fill out the results. Better to have done it when you all did, before it was too late to make a difference. It would leave your parents making the decision for you, Twilight --"

"-- my mom."

"Really?"

"Sometimes she still wants to run my life," Twilight said. "She could run my death. Into the ground." She took a breath of salty air. "That's probably ironic."

They all listened to the seagulls for a while.

"I try not to think about it during the missions," the librarian reluctantly finished. "Because thinking that you could die at any moment is one of the best ways to have it happen. But... that made me think about it. All of it. We could die. Any of us."

"...we will eventually," Fluttershy softly told her. "But if we watch out for each other, 'eventually' can be a really long time."

"Got your back, Twi," Applejack smiled. "Kinda easy, since I can look down on all of it."

The little mare grumbled about that for a while.

"And if nothing else," Rarity offered, "should the boat reach its destination -- we will have died after having seen Kazakh. Added to all of the other things we have seen and done. How many can say the same?"

From slightly overhead, "Or we could die after the spices."

"Rainbow."

"Well, you could die. Or just be wishing for it. Now, about that bet..."

There was laughter for a moment, because that was normal. And there was sea air to come, along with some degree of seasickness because ponies and ocean travel weren't a natural combination. There would be spare sails magically dissected by a fascinated librarian, a journey, an adventure, and a return.

But it was winter. It was cold, and everything which happened would need more time to retreat into the deeper levels. To reach the point where the chill room could be temporarily dismissed. The empty space had been filled with thoughts, and none of them would ever enter it again.

It was winter, even under Sun. And when the time came to embark, they went up the ramp in silence. Shivering.