Pepper has one Rule

by LSTS Connor

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Human, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 1250

A human named Steve makes some pepper for a local Resterant

Steve creates the Equestrian equivalent of Pepper for a local establishment.
Things quickly get out of hand after that.

Just don't forget the golden rule and you'll be fine:

Never use Pepper without Salt unless skilled.

A complete shitpost.
You have been warned

I also wrote this in like 2 hours and I will never get those 2 hours of my life back now

Published 2020-12-29 22:40:00 UTC
Last updated 2020-12-29 22:40:00 UTC

The Only Chapter

It was a normal day like any other in the magical land of Equestria. The birds were singing. The Sun was shining. And ponies all across Equestria were enjoying their day including Equestria’s resident Human. His name was Steve and after unceremoniously being deposited in Equestria several years ago he has accumulated quite nicely into Equestrian Society. Steve was currently tending to his spice garden. Having gotten a botany degree back on earth and with no real other skills useful to any hiring ponies when magic can do everything far better and faster. Steve had taken up Spice making to sell to a local restaurant as a way of providing for himself.

Tomorrow would be the day when his latest supply of Spices would be picked up by one of the restaurant employees. And today was a special day. After months upon months of searching and botany magic, Steve had finally created pepper. Well, magical pony land equivalent of Pepper, and today they had finally finished growing and were ready for harvesting. It didn’t take long to dry them out and within an hour Steve had created the second-best spice in the multiverse! The first place of course being reserved for salt. That sweet sweet Sodium Chloride.

Tomorrow came quickly for the human having spent the rest of the day neatly packing and preparing his wares for pickup. Steve sat quietly on his porch idly tossing his small sack of pepper between his hands.

“Hiya Steve! How ya doing today?” Came the oh so familiar voice of the small earth pony Floral Rose. She was the one who came by every week to collect his one of a kind Spices. He really was quite lucky to have been buying seeds when Twilight did a Twilight

“Great! How about you?” Asked Steve putting the small sack down beside him before getting up from his chair.

“Oh great as per usual, Business for the store has been booming thanks to your Spices. I even got a Raise!” Responded Floral almost ecstatically.

“Well ain’t that nice. Cmon It’s all packed up and ready for you, I’ve even got something new you might like.” He said picking up the small pouch beside him, showing it off to the mare.

“Ohhhhh what ya there?” Asked Floral, curiously eying the bag. The light yellow mare’s eyes full of curiosity.

“It took months of my patented ‘botany-magic-skillz’ but it finally paid off. This is pepper.”

“Pepper?”

“Yeah Pepper! It was quite a surprise when I first showed up here when I found out you didn’t have any Pepper. Like… you have Salt but not Pepper. But now no longer! The yin and yang of Salt and Pepper is finally complete!” Steve said triumphantly, pointing the bag up towards the Sky.

“...What?”

“*Cough* Hmm yes anyway take this bag on the house as a test drive,” Steve said tossing the bag onto her cart. “In my opinion use it on an omelet with salt. Rule number one of Pepper! Always use with salt unless skilled!” Steve proclaimed loudly, causing Florals ears to reflexively press against her head. This didn’t go unnoticed by the human as he cringed slightly at the sight. “Sorry”

“No no, it’s alright. I’m sure the chef will be happy to try out this new ingredient. Anyway, why don’t you help me load all of this up.” Floral began, moving towards the many boxes of Spices Steve had prepared for her.

“Yep on it.”

It didn’t take long for everything to be packed onto her cart and after the exchange of goodbyes and a bag of bits, the pony was off Spices and a small bag of dried pepper seeds in tow.

Maybe they’d like to try actual Peppers once they’ve grown in… Well, let’s see if they like Pepper at all first. Thought Steve as Floral disappeared into Town.

One Week Later

It was that time of the week again for the Human. With the usual help of growth-enhancing magical fertilizer ‘Welcome to the grow-athon™’ his stock of Spices was back up to full and already packed and ready to go. All that was left was the Mare to come and pick it up.

It was already midday and Steve was relaxing on his porch like every week, waiting for the mare.

“Hiya Steve!”

“Hey Floral, how’s it going got any more raises lately?” Asked the Human getting up from his porch to greet the Mare.

“Not yet unfortunately but business is booming! That Pepper you made. The customers can’t get enough of it! It’s gotten to the point that no matter what dish they ask for they always want pepper on it. I even saw somepony order a Vanilla Icecream with Pepper! Can you believe that?” Answered Floral with a giggle. “I’ve even gotten some direct orders from the boss to get as much Pepper as possible from you. They didn’t care about what Price you put them as they just need more.”

“Wow… well then...let me go get some extra for you then. And don’t you worry about the price I ain’t planning on robbing you blind.” Answered Steve astonished at the news and the fact Floral had basically been given a ‘blank cheque’ when it came to his sale of Pepper.

It didn’t take long for Steve to find his Box of Pepper and bring it out and onto the Mare’s wagon along with the rest of his usual Spices. And after another round of goodbyes and the exchange of a larger amount of Bits the earth pony was on her way back to Town before a distant shout came to her ears.

“Remember don’t use Pepper without Salt unless skilled!”

Another Week passes

“Hey uhh, Steve we...kinda have a problem,” This Was what Steve heard from his porch instead of the usual greeting by Floral he had grown accustomed to.

“Is something wrong?” Asked the human curiously putting the newspaper he was reading down. Only to immediately wish he hadn’t. Standing there were several ponies wearing black trench-coats and fedoras holding knives pointed at the Human.

“So… you are the one making what they call ‘Pepper’ weird name for a drug but hey who am I to judge.” Began one of the trenchcoated ponies. “Anyway, I’m sure you’re wondering why I and my stallions here are holding you at knifepoint. Well, it’s real simple.” He took his fedora off. “I want an exclusivity deal for your Pepper, you’ll be paid well don’t you worry but we won’t be taking no for an answer capiche?”

“C-capiche.” Answered Steve stuttering slightly as the pony flashed a menacing grin. “B-but why Pepper? What’s so special about it?” Asked the human shakily.

“You don’t know? Pure Pepper is the most addictive thing since Dark Magic and we aim to make all the bits in the world!” Said the Pony with a laugh.

“Pure...Pepper? No…. don’t tell me.... Floral” Steve looked at the terrified mare with wide eyes. “D-did the chef use just Pepper at any point?! No Salt just Pepper?!” Asked the Human frantically.

She gave a single slow nod.

Steve collapsed down onto his knees and raised his arms to the sky too much confusion from the nearby Pony Mafia.

“Why didn’t you use SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALT!”

Author's Note

(Thank you Feynna for your wonderful contribution to this shitpost)

I am not sorry that you had to read this shitpost.

I warned you!