The feeling of paper in your hooves seems foreign now.
You don't know why. Perhaps you've forgotten this: what it feels like to have something normal, for once. Something you're familiar with.
Familiarity is something you've been missing.
It flickers away from you now, almost--like a flame in the wind. All you hear these days is condolences: not what is familiar to you. Not what you want to hear.
You doubt this letter will give you comfort, and bring the familiarity you're craving. But you've long given up on things like that anyhow. You expect this to be the last thing you want.
So, you remove it from the envelope, and begin to read.
Dear Princess Celestia,
Dear Celes
Princess Celestia,
I know it's been a while since I last wrote to you. I figured you might be too busy, so I didn't write back at first; but we both that's just an excuse. I should have sent you someth No, I should have been there for you. I can't take that back now, and we all have duties we need to uphold. Please let me know if you need anything, though. I will try to find out a way to make it up to you regardless.
First and foremost, I talked with Cadence and Shining Armor, and they confirmed the pony who did this will be executed for his crimes. It's not good news, I know that, and what's done can't be undone--but it's a comfort to know he won't be hurting anypony else.
I wish I could spout out millions of sorries in spite of that, for it should never have happened in the first place. My words can't make up for anything, however. Earlier, I would have initially elaborated, saying something to the ilk of "Luna's life meant more than words;" but I'm sure you've heard something like that many times before. You don't need to hear it again.
Instead, I'm ultimately sending this because I want this to be a reminder for you, Princess. I want you to know that what happened was not your fault. I know it's easy for me to say that but I also know from experience you can't beat yourself up for something you didn't have control over. And you didn't have control. No one could have seen it coming, you have to understand that, please. Please don't beat yourself up over it.
In time you'll be able to heal--and you'll see that all you did for your sister was good. Everything you did was not just for Equestria's best interests, for hers as well, and I'm sure she knew that. I'm sure that through it all, she felt the love you had for her, even if she couldn't always see it. And I'm sure she is grateful to you, wherever she is now.
We're all grateful for you, Princess. You've done so much good for everypony--and you always will. Please, never forget that.
Your faithful student
Your friend,
Twilight Sparkle
You toss the letter aside, and laugh.
At this point, it's all just noise to you: white noise that repeats, over and over, until you go insane.
It's a quiet, but rather grating sound, like you've gargled rocks in the back of your throat. Between the lack of sleep, reluctance to speak, and pitiful sobbing day-in and day-out, it's no shock.
Regardless of Twilight's kind words, and the knowledge that she has the best of intentions, a pang of bitterness stabs you. You're not even remotely surprised you ended up where you are now--it should be no surprise to her, either. You've dug yourself into a hole many times over, and dug a dozen more for the ponies around you. It's no wonder you would finally crack, wallowing in the reality of your broken dreams and mistakes.
Ultimately, you feel like you're not really you anymore. You feel like you're off somewhere else, in a land far, far away from this place. Part of you desperately wants to be. It wouldn't be familiar, but it would bring you away from here all the same.
Maybe you deserve that.
Maybe you don't deserve to be here anymore. In more ways than one.
Maybe you deserve to leave, in more ways than one.
Maybe you deserve to leave, and sit alone, with only your destructive thoughts and despair to keep you company.
Obviously you can't protect them. Obviously, you messed up, and now you're paying for it.
You were a fool to believe it'd be different this time; that you could ever, ever deserve having your baby sister here with you again. You failed her then--why should it surprise you? Why should it surprise anyone?
If you left, you'd never have to worry about failing again. You'd be free of your responsibilities, all the mistakes and mishaps forgotten. You wouldn't dig holes anymore, or watch ponies die in front of you, because of you.
You'd see your sister again--the only pony you hurt more than anypony else. Your best friend.
You would greet her with a smile, warm and bright as the sun, and she'd embrace you, cold but comforting like the moon. You'd prance among the stars, like you both used to--you wouldn't have to worry about hurting her ever again, or let her be consumed by darkness or by life.
...
...But maybe,
somehow,
Twilight is right.
Maybe this is fruitless, maybe you're going about this all wrong.
And maybe you don't deserve that, either--to see Luna again. To be free of failing.
Maybe it's better to forget.
Maybe...
Maybe you can forget, and this will happen all over again. And you will relieve all of it over again. It'd be familiar. That's what you want, that's what you deserve.
...Or, you will find another way to live in peace with yourself. You'll escape your mind, and start forming a new familiarity for yourself.
Either way, you will forget this--all that you've done.
Amidst your daydreaming, something brushes past your withering mane. You see nothing but feel a presence; you hear a voice, whispering to you, familiar.
For a moment, it's as if nothing changed.
It's as if things are still okay.
Weakly, you smile.
Yes, you promise yourself. In time, I'll forget.
And with that in mind,
you're comforted.
