The Noniventures

by BlitheAnon

Rating: teen
Tags: Anon, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human
Length: 4144

The non-adventures of Anon and the CMC. Cutie mark crusading, hijinks and nonsense ensue with the unexpected arrival of the tall and jolly biped himself, Anon Y. Mous.

While the Cutie Mark Crusaders plot in their tree house their next cutie mark operation, a bright streak shoots across the sky, but little do they know of what they believe to be a comet will bring.
Somehow, someway, Anon enters the world of Equestria and is subject to the Cutie Mark Crusader's antics.

Published 2021-01-04 18:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2021-01-06 04:37:44 UTC

Chapter 0 - A New Arrival

Up. Down. Up. Down. The figure’s chest raised and lowered as it laid on a bed, kept warm beneath the pale, white covers as a bag filled with a clear liquid dripped its contents into its arm. Outside, the crickets chirped in a steady rhythm while the gentle glow of the moon snaked its way through the curtains into the room. The figure’s eyelids fluttered open.

Groaning, it sat up and rubbed its eyes before looking around. Besides the cream colored walls, all that accompanied them was a nightstand holding a glass of water, a stack of magazines, a vase filled with an assortment of flowers and a plate of cookies. Its stomach growled, and so it rolled onto its side to have its fill, slamming each sugary disk down its gaping maw and flooding it with water.

Sighing, it snatched the first magazine and sat up in bed. On the cover, ‘Noniventures’ was plastered at the top with a big green question mark in the center. Confusion flooded their face, and as they flipped the page, their vision was drawn to a stylized picture of themselves falling from the sky.

*************************************************************************************************

”How about gardening?”

”No Apple Bloom, we already tried that.”

”But Sweetie, we din’t do it with flowers yet, just carrots!” turning to her friend, Apple Bloom’s eyes pleaded to them, “C’mon Scoots, help me out here.”

”I mean, yeah it’s different, but it’s kinda the same, too.” Rolling off the bed, Scootaloo waved a hoof in the air reaching for any passing idea. “We could try... uh, never mind.” Collectively, all three fillies sighed as the night trudged on outside.

”We ain’t ever gonna get our cutie marks!”

”Don’t say that Bloom,” Sweetie Belle whispered, crawling over the covers and resting a hoof over her withers, “we’ll get them, I’m sure of it.”

”B-But we tried for m-months,” Bloom whimpered, wiping away the stream of never-ending tears from her face, “if it ain’t happened now, it ain’t ever gonna happen.” Sweetie’s eyes wandered around the room, only to rest on Scootaloo and harden.

Rolling her eyes, Scootaloo pushed herself off the ground and hopped on the bed beside Bloom. ”That’s not true, and you know that. Applejack, Rarity and Rainbow all have their cutie marks,” she reasoned, tapping her hoof to each name, “and if they got theirs, we’ll get ours too.”

”Yeah, we just have to keep trying.”

”Thanks girls,” Bloom said with a sniffle before gasping and jumping up, her mouth open wide, “that’s it!”

”What’s it?” Sweetie questioned.

Leaping off the bed, Bloom danced a jig, her legs rapidly pounding against the wooden floor. ”Ya remember when we asked Twilight if we could borrow that book?”

”Uh, yeah?” Scootaloo answered.

”That’s just it! We’ll get our cutie marks in astrology!”

”Wait, isn’t it called ‘astronomy?’”

”No, it’s ‘astronology.’”

”Is not,” Sweetie retorted.

”Is too.”

”Girls,” Bloom yelled, gaining their attention, “it don’t matter what it’s called if we get our cutie marks in it. Now come on!” Running to the corner of the room, the three rolled a makeshift telescope up to the window, knocking over stacked books and papers ridden with red ink to the floor.

”Point it out the window. Point it out.”

”I’m trying,” Sweetie grunted, swinging the scope up from a stool, “lock it Bloom.”

”On it!” Kicking the the wheel locks down, the telescope squeaked and tilted to the side as Sweetie slipped off the barrel and collided with the floor.

”Ow,” she moaned, gently rubbing her flank, “you could’ve warned me first.”

”Sorry,” Bloom sheepishly said lowering her head.

”So, you girls ready to get your cutie marks?” Trotting next to Scootaloo, the two sat and giggled.

Flipping the pages, the three studied each diagram, trailing their hooves along the lines and muttering the constellations’ names before staring through the telescope. ”Canis major... that kinda looks like Winona.”

”Let me see,” Scootaloo yelled, bumping Bloom off of the stool.

”Hey!”

”I’m not seeing anything that looks like a dog.”

”You’re probably looking in the wrong spot.”

”Am not.”

”Are too.”

Rising from the floor, Apple Bloom shook her head at the two’s bickering and trotted towards the book. Lowering herself, she blew from her face a strand of her mane and flipped the book back to the beginning. Scanning the different sections of the guide, confusion flooded her face when her eyes glossed over ‘Events.’ Between the low hum of the crickets outside and her friends arguing, she pawed through the pages, quickly reading each line when her eyes became the size of the moon. ”Girls-”

”No, the stars line up like-quit moving it!”

”I’m telling you. I’m. Not. Seeing. It.”

”Girls!” The room fell to silence, and as the critters of the night resumed their song, Bloom cleared her throat. ”Tonight’s supposed to have a shooting star.”

”What?”

”Ya heard me, there’s gonna be a shooting star.”

”What’s it called?” Sweetie asked.

”It’s called, um,” Bloom muttered to herself, glancing at the book, “Swirl’s Comet,” she proudly stated, raising her head triumphantly.

”Is that it?” Following Scootaloo’s hoof, Bloom and Sweetie watched as a bright, shimmering streak flew across the night sky. ”That’s so cool...” Scootaloo gasped, covering her mouth as her wings fluttered.

”Ooh, did I get mah cutie mark yet?” Bloom squealed, chasing her rump in the dimly lit room.

”Hey, why is it getting closer? And why is it getting louder?”

”What do you mean Sweet-” Scootaloo cut herself off, her eyes opening in horror.

”Duck and cover!” Diving to the floor, Sweetie slammed her hooves against her mane as the others followed suit.

A sharp, high pitched whine sailed overhead, deafening the fillies screams until a thunderous boom sounded from far away.

”What the hay was that?” Bloom screamed, shakily rising from the ground.

”Are shooting stars supposed to do that?”

”I don’t think so,” Scootaloo answered Sweetie, “maybe we should check it out.”

”Are ya sure that’s a good idea?”

”Not really,” she said, rubbing a hoof along her foreleg, “but this could be what gets us our cutie marks.” Glimpsing at one another, they bolted towards the door with Scootaloo snatching her scooter. ”Last one there gets their cutie mark last!” Sailing ahead of her friends, she turned back and blew them a raspberry.

The other two galloped towards the Everfree Forest, sweat soaking into their manes as their muscles ached with every hoof slamming against the dirt. As they drew closer to the treeline, a pillar of smoke rose from the foliage of the treetops with Scootaloo nowhere in sight. ”Scootaloo!” the two belted out, “where are you?”

Tentatively, they trotted deeper into the forest, the marshy ground caking their hooves in mud as they caught their breath.

”Where could she be?”

”How am I suppose ta know?”

”It was a rhetorical question.”

”What’s ‘rheto-rical?’”

”I dunno, I just said it because Rarity does.”

”Ah, gotcha.”

A wave of nausea hit them both as a repugnant stench forced its way up their noses. ”Sweet Celestia, that’s horrible.”

”This has gotta be worse than our pig pens.”

Plodding onwardsgagging, they breached into a clearing and off in the distance they saw a tiny figure. They continued marching, drawing nearer to the figure, their vision revealing a purple mane.

”Scootaloo, why’d ya go off like that?”

”Yeah Scoots, you should’ve waited for us.” Scootaloo remained frozen with shock, and as the other two flanked her sides, they gawked at the form lying within the smoking crater.

Curled into a misshapen ball was a creature larger than the three of them combined, its lanky limbs extending far from its body.

”Is that... a suit?” Sweetie slid into the crater and approached the thing closer, prodding her hoof against the velvety, tattered fabric adorning it.

”Sweetie, get away from it!” Apple Bloom hissed.

”Yeah, it could be dangerous.”

Retreating from the mysterious beast, Sweetie leapt from the warm earth and latched onto her friends’ hooves, climbing out of the crater. ”That was a suit, girls.”

”Why would that,” Scootaloo questioned, pointing a hoof in its direction, “be wearing a suit?”

”I don’t know, why are you asking me?”

”We could ask it.” Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo turned to Apple Bloom, viewing her with shock.

”Are you crazy?”

”What? We just wake it up and ask ‘em what for.”

”Yeah,” Sweetie retorted, gesturing to a nearby stick, “and we’ll poke it to wake it up. I’m sure it won’t be mad.” Apple Bloom returned her glare with a smile and a nod. Sighing, Sweetie levitated the stick and brought it closer to the creature. ”Don’t say I didn’t do nothing for you.” Sucking in her breath, she pulled the stick back when the being gasped for air.

Dropping the stick, she tumbled backwards while her friends stood with shaking legs, their ears folded behind their heads. Coming to life, the thing planted its arms onto the ground, pushing itself up, only to collapse with an audible thud. It groaned, trying again and vomiting into a murky pool of brown sludge.

”What in tarnation-get behind me girls!”

Caught within another world, the three continued to gaze at the figure in front of them until something picked them up by the scruff of their necks, flinging them away.

”Fluttershy, have you seen something like this?”

”No Twilight, I-”

”I-I can’t see,” the creature announced, waving its hands in front of its eyes, “I can’t see!”

”It can talk?” Rainbow Dash yelled out.

”Oh god, no no no!”

”Sir, everything’s going to be okay.”

”Who’s there?” the being called out.

”I’m Twilight, now calm down. You’ll be ok.” Sinking to the ground, its harsh breathing slowed to an occasional puff, its head dipping into its chest. ”What’s your name?”

”A-Anon.”

”Hi Anon, we’re here to help you, ok?”

As Twilight helped him up, Applejack nudged the fillies away. ”You girls go on ahead and head back now, I’ll be there soon.”

”But-”

”No ‘buts’ Bloom,” she sternly scolded, “now git.”

Hanging their heads to the ground, they ambled their way back to the tree house silently.

Sitting in a circle, they sat waiting as the air grew heavier.

”We din’t do nothing wrong, right?”

”I hope so.”

”Yeah,” said Scootaloo as Apple Bloom raised a hoof to her mouth pensively.

”Hey, what was that feller’s name?”

”An-hon.”

”No Scootaloo, I think it was An-on,” Sweetie Belle stated, “why?”

”This ‘Anon’ feller ain’t from around here.”

”Nice one Bloom, got any other awesome observations?”

”Scootaloo,” Apple Bloom sighed, glancing towards her, “I’m thinking we should figure out why.”

”Aren’t our sisters already doing that?”

”Well, yeah... but that don’t mean we can’t help, can’t we?” Slowly, the realization dawned on them as their mouths opened in unison.

”This maybe our chance.”

”Ta get our cutie marks.”

”Once and for all!”

Bouncing off the floor, they started prancing around when their tree house door slammed against the wall.

”Like hay ya are!” Striding into the room, Applejack beat her hoof on a nearby table. ”If I catch any of y’all patronizing that poor stallion, I swear to Celestia, I don’t know what I’m gonna do. Ya understand?”

”Yes Applejack,” they collectively mewled.

”Good,” she happily replied, beginning to leave the room.

”Wait, we aren’t in trouble?”

”Uh, no. Why would ya be?”

”N-Nothing!” Apple Bloom hastily answered.

”Uh huh,” she nodded, squinting her eyes, “y’all stay outta trouble now.”

When she left, the three convened in the center with hushed chants, placing their hooves on top of one another. ”We’re the cutie mark crusaders and crusading’s what we do. Whatever is the challenge, we will do it, yes it’s true. We’ll do any jo-ob even if it’s in the dark ‘cause we’re the cutie mark crusaders and we’ll get our cutie marks!”

Chapter 1 - The Hunger

Humming a tune, Sweetie Belle laid a trio of capes on top of her desk, levitating a pair of needles on either side. ”To get a cutie mark is a really special thing,” she softly sang, placing a shield emblem with a pony embroidered in the center near a corner, “it shows your special talent, obligations it will bring.” Lifting a roll of thread, she unwound it and threaded it through the needle’s eye. ”And if I-”

”Sweetie Belle.”

”Coming,” she shouted, running from her work and bursting through the bedroom door, only to tumble down the stairs. Landing head first, her eyes swirled as she felt herself being picked up.

”Sweetie, you mustn’t run in the house, you’ll hurt yourself or ruin one of my dresses.”

”Sorry,” Sweetie apologized, “what’d you need me for?”

”Oh, nothing at all. I just needed you to know that I’ll be having a special guest over and I’d like you to stay in your room.”

”Is Anon coming over?” Sighing, Rarity swiftly swept the floor with a broom.

”If you must know, yes.”

”Can I help? Please?” As Rarity glared at her, Sweetie thought ’I’m gonna have to use the big guns, huh?’ With a quivering lip, she forced a tear from her eye, “I just wanna help you, big sister.”

Groaning, Rarity pawed at the ground with a hoof as she stared at the ceiling. ”Fine, but you’ll do as I say, understood?”

”You got it,” she shouted, standing at attention and giving her a brief salute.

”Good.”

Seconds later, the shop door’s bell chimed as the door swung open revealing a lanky figure wrapped in a thin blanket. As it bowed its head and stepped inside, the floor whined, and when it opened its mouth, it spoke with a croak.

”Morning Rarity.”

”Why good morning, Anon!” Straightening himself out, he sniffled and tightened the blanket around his shoulders.

”Are you sick mister?”

”Sweetie,” Rarity growled through clenched teeth, “that’s very impolite.”

”It’s fine,” he said, waving her off, “tell the truth, it could be worse. I’d rather run a slight fever instead of not running at all.”

”Then why are you wearing a blanket?”

”Well it’s kinda cold outside,” he answered, scratching the back of his head.

”Really? I thought it was perfect.”

”Sweetie, Anon here doesn’t have fur like us,” Rarity chided as she approached him, “I deeply apologize for my sister’s behavior, darling.”

”Nah, she’s good. If she were acting like my niece and nephews, whew,” he smirked, “then we’d have a problem.”

”Wait, there’s more of you?” Sweetie asked, her voice cracking in surprise, “Where are they?” Wincing, his vision dropped to the floor as he shuffled from side to side, the air gradually pressing harder on her barrel.

”I’m not sure.”

”Oh...”

”Well, darling,” Rarity piped up, nudging his waist towards the curtains, “lets get you measured now, hmm?”

”You’re the boss.” Following in their wake, Sweetie dragged her hooves along the floor with a pout and sat in a corner.

”Wonderful. Now please remove the blanket if you may.” When the blanket flew to the floor, her mouth opened wide in shock.

”You really weren’t lying when you said he didn’t have fur!” As Rarity’s face burned to a fiery red, he laughed and rustled Sweetie’s mane.

”Yeah, that’s why I need clothes!”

”Um, excuse me darling,” Rarity interrupted, prodding at his underwear, “but what is it you’re wearing?”

”That? That’s underwear.”

”And for what purpose is this ‘underwear?’”

”It’s for, uh,” he weakly laughed with a half-smile, glancing back and forth between her and Sweetie, “it’s just something we wear.”

”But why do you wear it?”

”That’s kinda personal there, Sweetie.”

”I was just asking-”

”Sweetie Belle, if he’s uncomfortable with answering, then he doesn’t have to answer.”

”Sorry,” Sweetie mewled.

”Don’t worry about it.” Reaching out, he scratched the area behind her ear, eliciting a hum as she closed her eyes.

”Shall we begin?”

”Sure.”

”Excellent, just let me do all the work.” Standing up straight, he let his limbs go limp as Rarity extended his arms and slid the measuring tape against them with precision.

”Mister Anon, where do you come from?” Before he could answer, Rarity let out a groan, dropped the tape to the floor and slapped a hoof over her eyes.

”Sweetie, if you can’t behave, then you’ll have to go to your room.”

”But I was just-”

”Leave,” she demanded, pointing her hoof to the stairwell.

Sniffling and sulking, Sweetie crawled along the floor and towards the stairs with tears in her eyes.

”I don’t mind her asking.”

”Really?” Darting back, she beamed up towards him as she sat before him.

”Are you sure, if she’s bothering you-”

”I’m sure.” Clearing his throat, he grinned at the small filly as Rarity wrapped the tape around his torso. ”I came from a place very different than this one.”

”How different?”

”As I said, very. We had buildings called skyscrapers which could reach up to twenty stories tall.”

”Hey, that’s like Manehatten!” Raising an eyebrow, he glanced towards Rarity and received a nod.

”Wow, didn’t know you ponies had that. What about cars and planes?” Sweetie cocked her head to the side, narrowing her eyes at him.

”What’s that?” Tapping his thigh, he thought a spell until his pursued lips relaxed.

”Hmm, well if you couldn’t tell, I can’t fly, and neither can anyone else like me. What we did to fix that was by building these machines that we’d sit in that could lift us up in the sky.” As she nodded along and listened to him speak, his stomach loudly growled, getting the attention of both her and Rarity. ”Aha, guess I’m hungry.”

”Do you want anything to eat, darling?”

”It’s alright, I can wait until you’re finished.” Humming in response, Rarity gracefully glided the tape along his skin, stopping for a moment before sliding it away to the next place. Setting the tape aside, she quickly scrawled a series of numbers on a nearby notepad.

”And there we are,” she cooed, “is Sugarcube Corner okay with you?”

”Sure,” he said, snatching the blanket from the ground and wrapping it back around himself, “lead the way.”

”Mister Anon, what do you eat?” Stopping mid-trot, Rarity twisted her head and stared at Sweetie in horror with a gaping mouth.

”I don’t eat hay if that’s what you’re asking.”

”Why not?”

”That’s just something I can’t eat.”

”Yeah right, and I’m sure you eat meat, don’t you?” Blinking towards Sweetie, he paused to think of what to say and opened his mouth, revealing his white, pointy canines. ”Aah, he’s gonna eat me!” Bolting out of the room, she rushed upstairs, tripping over herself and slid down a couple steps.

”He isn’t going to eat you.” Scrambling up the steps, she ran towards her room and slammed herself against the door. Panting, she picked herself up and turned around to see Anon and Rarity approaching from the staircase. Harshly sucking in air, she cantered to the side of her door and kicked it closed, quickly locking it afterwards.

Sliding under her bed and watching the door, she felt her lungs burn until she forced out her breath, relearning to breathe.

”Sweetie, open your door this instant!”

”No, he’ll eat me!”

”I’m not gonna eat you.”

”And why should I believe you?” Silence permeated the room, leaving only the sound of her heavy puffs of air, and as she focused her attention at the door, she heard soft noises emanating past it. Leaving her hiding place, she approached the door and gingerly placed her ear against the cool wood.

”-eeply, deeply apologize about my sister. I never thought she’d act like this, and it’ll be a miracle to get her out.”

”I’ve dealt with this before and I can get her out, all I need is a butter knife.”

”A butter knife!” she screamed, frantically slithering away and pacing back and forth in her room, sweat beading down her face. ’What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?’ As she heard her doorknob jiggling, her eyes landed on her window.

Jumping up on her desk, she flung her window open just as her door loudly creaked behind her. ”You’re not gonna eat me.”

”Sweetie don’t!”

Bounding out of the window, her withers collided with the boutique’s railing, sending her spinning towards the ground. Landing with a poof of dirt, she rolled over and ran throughout the town’s streets.

”He’s gonna eat me! Help!” she whined in terror. Glancing behind her, she saw him running towards her, his blanket wrapped around his waist with Rarity hooked beneath his arm when she knocked into something hard.

”Sugarcube, what in the world are ya doin?”

”Help me, Applejack!” Hiding behind her stall, Sweetie’s body quivered while occasionally letting out a soft whimper.

”What in the hay is goin on?”

”H-He’s gonna eat m-me.”

”Sweetie Belle, I’m not gonna eat you.”

”Ah!”

A hand reached underneath the stall, gripping her by the scruff of her neck. Shrieking, her body was gently pulled along the ground and lifted into the air to be face to face with the monster himself.

”Let me down, let me down!”

”Sweetie.”

”Let go!” Kicking her hooves, she wildly flailed in the air when she felt his tendrils graze her stomach. ”No, no-aha-no! S-Stop, please,” she wheezed, struggling against his tickle frenzy.

”Not until you apologize.”

”Aah, I’m sorry,” she squeaked out, giggling madly.

”Thank you.” Released from her torment, she felt herself being lowered to the ground.

”Anon, mind explaining to me why Sweetie here thought ya were gonna eat her?”

”I dunno,” he shrugged, “but I’m guessing she saw these.” Raising his upper lip, he revealed his canines for all of Ponyville to see.

As a collection of gasps invaded the town’s square, Applejack sighed and climbed atop her stall. ”Listen up everypony. Anon ain’t no foal eater,” she announced, pointing a hoof in his direction, “and there ain’t nothing to be worried ‘bout. He just eats fish, got it?”

A wave of nods followed suit, and as she hopped off her makeshift platform, the hustle and bustle of the market square returned in full swing. ”Didn’t I tell you ta be careful ‘bout what ya say and do, sugarcube?”

Pinching the bridge of his nose, he groaned. ”Ah dammit, sorry about that.”

”Yer fine,” she whistled, returning to her station, “just don’t make it a habit.”

”Yes ma’am,” he said, a thunderous roar seeping out from his stomach.

”Shoot, seems like yer a hankering fer something filling,” she grinned, pushing an apple towards him, “on the house.”

”I can’t.”

”I don’t mind.”

”But I don’t have any bits.”

”Don’t sweat it, Anon.”

”I shouldn’t.”

”Don’t test me, Anon.”

”Why not just have him work for it?” Together, the two stared at Sweetie Belle in shock.

”Depends,” Applejack thought, adjusting her hat, “if he can buck apples or haul ‘em back to the barn, then I reckon it’d work out fine. Whatcha think?”

”Works for me if it works for you.”

”Great, ya can start when ya feel better,” spitting on her hoof, she held it towards him for a slimy shake of solidarity, “deal?” Rarity shivered as he spat in his hand, mixed their saliva together and pulled away from each other, a thick strand of spit connecting them until it split and hung to the ground.

”Deal.”

”That’s wonderful and everything,” she interjected, “but we really must be going.”

”Before ya go, ya wanna leave Sweetie here ‘stead of me picking her up tonight?”

”Why would I do that, darling?”

”Din’t ya have a large order of dresses that needed done tomorrow?” Rarity’s right eye began to slowly twitch, and as Applejack gave her a look of pity, she screeched, rushing back to her boutique.

”Is she gonna be alright?”

”She’s always like this, it’s nothing unusual.”

”Really?”

”Yep.” Another rumble shook Sweetie’s attention back to Anon.

”I guess I’ll be heading back home then.” Untying his blanket from his waist, he unfolded and wrapped it around his shoulders.

”See ya ‘round, Anon.”

”See you soon.” Sweetie gazed at him leaving before gasping.

”Bye Anon!” she belted out, waving towards him.

”Have a good one, Sweetie,” he hollered back, returning her wave. Smiling, she settled down on the ground beside the stand watching as the daylight passed by.

*************************************************************************************************

”That’s it?”

”Yeah.” Plopping back on the bed, Scootaloo whistled at Sweetie’s explanation.

”So he’s coming here ta work for mah sister?” Apple Bloom questioned.

”Yep, which means you can do some recon!” Sweetie gleefully stated, grinning at her.

Standing up from the ground, she trotted towards the window and looked aimlessly at the night sky, her vision jumping from star-to-star when she spotted a glittering magnifying glass. Turning back, she could feel her chest swelling at the possibility. ”I’ll see what I can do.”