Dear Celestia

by Baryski

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 2961

Celestia starts an advice column to help curb her boredom.

The princess of the sun, free from having to worry about the state of Equestria, starts to grow bored. What does one do when they get bored? Start an advice column apparently. Dear Celestia answers ponies burning questions and helps solve all their problems. All this, during a morning's tea. Who says you can't be a ruler and have a hobby too?

Published 2012-09-02 12:44:02 UTC
Last updated 2012-09-03 07:51:58 UTC

Introductions

How does one usually go about starting something like this? The beginning, I suppose, would be the best place to start.

My name is Celestia del Sol, but everypony simply refers to me as Princess Celestia these days. There was a time when I had to watch over my kingdom and protect it from all manner of unnatural enemies. Now, however, my trusted student has taken up that charge along with her friends. It has given me more time to focus on the other tasks associated with ruling Equestria. At first it was a blessing, I finally got caught up on a three hundred year backlog of political paperwork. Did you know that two hundred and fifty years ago ponies had petitioned to rename Canterlot to Hatsville?

I digress, though. Lately, I’ve been finding myself with more and more free time on my hooves. I’ve already tried every kind of tea available, three times in fact. I toured Equestria, twice (I stopped doing it after they started throwing tea parties for me). I even toyed with the idea of making the sun green for one day each week, but ponies seemed to take it as a sign of the apocalypse. The long and short of it is, I, Princess Celestia, have become bored.

How does a pony deal with boredom? Unfortunately, as a princess, I am rather limited in my options. I spent many days pondering this question, as well as drinking altogether too many cups of tea. In the end I came to a few conclusions. Number one, I am not drinking another cup of tea for as long as I live, coffee is where it’s at anyway. Number two, my new favourite pastime is staring out at the ocean. Number three, I am bored of my new favourite pastime. Number four, I always enjoyed my correspondence with Twilight. Number five, the ponies who insist that I am secretly in love with Discord are CRAZY!

It was around number four that I finally began to formulate a plan. If I enjoy my correspondence with Twilight Sparkle, then surely I would enjoy correspondence from other ponies as well. So, I would find a way to converse with ponies from all over. I, would start an advice column.

Dear Celestia. I know what you’re thinking. Using my real name for the column, won’t ponies figure out it’s me and not want to open up to their princess? That’s the beauty of it, no pony would think that the real Princess Celestia del Sol would be writing an advice column. But, the name helps them think that their princess really cares about their problems. Of course, the real Princess Celestia must be faaaar too busy to consider something like reading all their problems.

********

It was many days later that my first ad finally appeared in papers across Equestria. I got the personal liberty of reading it while enjoying my new favourite drink (Apple cider, coffee was obviously not something I enjoyed) and staring out at the water as I rose the sun over it slowly (I had considered making the sun turquoise that day, but Luna assured me that it wouldn’t be nearly as amusing as I thought it would be.).

Dear Readers,

Do you find yourself lost and confused? Are you looking for something, but just don’t know what? Is there a problem that is overshadowing your life? Have you been hurt, troubled, or heartbroken? If so, Dear Celestia can help. Your lives are important and helping them is important to me. It might be something you just need to get off your chest, or it could be something that benefits from my knowledge and experiences. All letters are 100% confidential and only the name you sign it with will be published.

It was strange. The column had my name on it, but I had actually used a pseudonym when pitching the idea to the papers. To the editors, Dear Celestia, was actually an earth pony named Ink Quill. Princess Celestia pretending to be Ink Quill pretending to be Princess Celestia. This could only have been more complicated if I was actually Queen Chrysalis. But, you know, I’m definitely not her.

But, I digress. I am not entirely sure what I expected when I started this little foray into journalism. Perhaps boredom wasn’t my only motivation at the time, but I was truly giddy at the thought of what might be coming. A few days passed and nothing happened. Well, not nothing. I had the lake I like to sit at modified with a watermelon catapult (on a clear day I can actually hit Luna. She still thinks the weather pegasi have been trying to invent fruit rain!) and I discovered my new new favourite drink (Vodka, of course. Princess’ should always drink vodka.), but none of those things had anything to do with Dear Celestia.

It wasn’t until my fourth day that the letters began to flood in. Literally, they flooded in. Okay, I may have used a multiplication spell to allow the five letters to become a landslide. I was excited, and I’m sure the groundskeeper won’t stay mad about it forever. I should give him a week off, everypony likes a week on the moon.

And, thus, my little foray into journalism has begun:

Dear Celestia,

Lately I’ve found myself off. I don’t know what to say about it, but I’ve been having trouble concentrating. Every spare moment seems to be occupied thinking about this mare I can’t get out of my mind. This morning I tried to make coffee with the blender, just because I was distracted. Normally, I wouldn’t let this sort of thing get me down, but I know that she isn’t even aware I exist.

Okay, it isn’t that. It’s, well, she’s into mares. I mean, she’s so beautiful and a great harp player. It’s stupid, I know I don’t have a chance with her, but I still can’t stop myself. She’s just so amazing and great and...and...teal.

Okay, I think I went off topic there. What I meant to say is, what should I do?

Signed,

Hopeless in Manehatten

Dear Hopeless,

Sometimes love isn’t a fair force to deal with. I know it must be difficult to go through these things and I truly feel sorry for you. The first thing you should do is give up coffee. Seriously, that stuff is disgusting. After that, you really should confront your teal mare. I realize that she won’t ever be attracted to you, but being honest and getting it off your chest will do wonders for you. You won’t be able to move on until you have admitted it, you might even find yourself able to make friends with her.

Love is never easy,

Celestia

I really do hope he finds a way to get over it. I’m sure Lyra would like that as well. Oh my, did I spoil some kind of surprise?

Dear Princess Celestia,

These last couple of weeks have been quite enlightening. I certainly took your advice to heart, and we have been spending more and more time together. Just last night I finally took the last piece. You were totally right, the whips were amazing and the feeling...

Oh my, how did that letter get mixed up in my Dear Celestia mail! Pretend you never heard that. Better yet, pretend talking about it will get you banished to the moon. It never happened, got it? Oh, if she ever found out that I almost read...No, of course that wasn’t from Twilight. Where did you ever get an idea like that? Silly readers.

Dear Celestia,

I’M ON A BOAT!

Signed,

Boat

Dear Boat,

YOUR BOAT IS ON THE MOON!

Enjoy,

Celestia

I actually did put his boat on the moon. I returned it a few minutes later, but I would have loved to see his face in person. Probably almost as priceless as that one pegasus who tried to treat Philomena. Fluttershy, I think her name was.

I’ve truly been enjoying this little experiment, and I really can’t wait for more letters.

Finding Good Help

Hello dear readers.

Did you know you can purchase any sort of drink in a carbonated form? Carbonated apple cider, carbonated water, carbonated carbon. Okay, that last one does not actually exist, but you get my point. I've actually been experimenting with other possible options. Carbonated coffee was actually several times worse than regular coffee, carbonated carrots failed horribly, and carbonated Luna proved to create several new porn sites on the Equinet. More than one of those sites has had me rethinking letting her return to Equestria.

I digress, again. In an attempt to curb future royal pornography I have started to try reconditioning my sister. I entirely expect that by the end of the week I will have her believing she is Twilight's mother. As we all know she is.. After that I might start working on her control in the presence of sweets.

On a different side note, good help is hard to find these days. There are many good reasons, most of which I'll leave for later, but one I will bring up now involves the misconceptions my words seem to instill. Let's just say, I will never be asking that particular female guard to service me again. She may also never stop blushing in my presence. I have contemplated using attend, but I fear that I may soon be seeing several sites related to me on the Equinet. That is one conversation I do not wish to have with my valued student any time soon.

On the positive side of things, the griffons have declared war on us for the third time this week. A couple of days without sun and they will likely be praying to me. I always love it when they pray to me. Although, I am also tempted to send the Elements of Harmony after them. That would make an amazing movie if they ever needed one (I'm the princess of the sun, you think I don't know what they do?)

As I once again sit here, staring at the water with my latest batch of letters, I realize something. I have the strangest desire to pave over the lake and turn it into something new. Perhaps a waffle stand? Every pony loves waffles, right?

To the letters:

Dear Celestia,
I am a member of the Royal Guard, a pegasus mare in her prime. Currently, I'm dating one of the Lunar Stallions. He's very nice, and I can tell he cares for me, but there's one problem: I don't love him.
I'm afraid to tell him this, though, because he's the only pony in a very long time who has felt this way towards me. And even though I know exactly which stallion I would rather be with, that's not going to happen, even if I were to dump my current coltfriend.
You see, I made the stupid mistake of falling in love with my superior. And I made the even stupider mistake of never telling him how I felt. By the time I even got around to screwing up the courage, he was already taken, engaged and then married to a mare with a much nicer set of wings.
I've been so distracted by this that I can't even focus on my duties. I almost let a unicorn walk right out of the palace with one of the old scrolls yesterday! Even though Princess Celestia wasn't--er, I'm sorry, you weren't mad, I feel terrible.
Please, tell me what to do. You're my last hope.
--Can't Go On in Canterlot

Dear Can't Go On,

There are times when we hold in our love, convincing ourselves that the timing isn't right or it could never work. Whether we ar right in our fears or not does not matter. What does matter is what it does to us. We pretend and slowly kill ourselves by holding ourselves back. It simply isn't fair, either to you or your coltfriend, to continue on pretending he could be the one.

At the same time, I know you feel like you missed your chance with this other colt, but giving up isn't fair to you till you've tried. I would never wish for one's unhappiness, or even lies between special someponies, but I think everypony deserves their chance at happiness. But, should you take the risk, do it right.

I think we both know which colt you are talking about. If you want your chance with this one move through his heart first. There is nothing more important to a pony like that than his sister. Why not try getting to know her a little better first? Get to know him like that before you tell him everything. I know you have a real shot.

All the luck of the sun,

Celestia

I know what you are thinking. Why would Princess Celestia tell a member of the royal guard to confess to some pony like that? The short answer is, I'm bored. The long answer is, I just told her to go and talk with Twilight before confessing to her brother. Judging by my students latest, err, experiments this meeting can only end well for me. Either this guard will realize my student is a little eccentric and be scared off, or she will be into mares by the end. In either case, I actually gave her the next week off. I never expected this column thing could be so fun.

Dear Princess Celestia --
I just recently proposed to my long time marefriend. I couldn't be happier about it. However, shortly after that, I found out that she might be pregnant. While it is far sooner than either of us had planned, that isn't the problem I'm worried about. I'm concerned that no matter what we tell her parents, they'll be convinced I only proposed because I knocked her up. I love her with all my heart, but I don't want to start things off with an uphill battle with the soon to be in-laws. What should I do?
Signed, Royally Concerned Royal Guard

Dear Concerned,

In laws can be a tricky thing to predict. The important thing here is to open a strong dialogue with them. You need to talk to them first, find out more about them, tell them how much you care about their daughter, and, when the timing feels right, tell them about the pregnancy. If the right moment doesn't come up, buy them a nice long cruise. With any luck, by the time they get back your child will already have been born. No grandparent can stay upset in the presence of their grandchild. The important thing is to just judge what kind of ponies they are.

Babies are powerful weapons,

Celestia

This is what I was talking about earlier. Two letters in a row from my own Royal Guard. Either they have entirely too much time on their hooves, or the job is very stressful and provides too many conflicts. For the time being I choose to believe that they are under great duress. As such I'm setting up a few changes going forward. I am going to make every Tuesday funny hat day. With that they will be able to provide themselves a little respit from the normally strict environment of the job.

Additionally, I am going to throw a mixer for them. It will give them a better chance to get to know each other out of the normally stringent guidelines. It should either end with a perfect work environment or more letters. Of course, plan B is to declare war on the dragons. It's hard to be worried about love when you are getting roasted alive.

Dear Celestia,
I, being a pegasus, have a big problem:
Everytime I fly to a thunder cloud to move it away - even if I'm as careful as careful can be - I get my hooves burnt and my whole body shocked. This usually ends with me crashing onto the ground. My friends told me I should fly to the cloud faster, but then I instead destroy the cloud and get shocked anyway.
Some others say that I'm just to stupid, while even others tell me I'm special and not meant to be a "real" pegasus.
I am trying to become a weather pony and always dreamed of being part of the WET(Weather Emergency Team), but if I can't even get close to a thunder cloud without crashing, that dream will never come true.
Whatever should I do?
Signed,
Thundercrack from Cloudsdale

Dear Thundercrack,

I'm reminded of a different Pegasus. His problem was not the same as yours, but the solution was one that stuck in ponies names for a long time. Storm Wrangler, the first Pegasus to ever use a lasso to gather and move clouds. His skills have been near legendary. Perhaps the same style of solution would work? Then you wouldn't have to actually touch the cloud and the risk of getting struck should be almost zero.

As for what the others call you. Remember, all events are a growing experience. You will get stronger from having to come up with a solution to your problems while the others will stay the same.

Never stop reaching for your dream,

Celestia

I suppose it's only fair to note that Storm Wrangler was actually struck by lightning about twenty times a day. Back in those days he was also called Lightning Rod. But, no pony ever remembers those parts. Just like no pony ever remembers why I really banished Luna.

Oh, these columns are really getting fun to write.