Dead Cells - The Caballus Conundrum

by Kembrius

Rating: teen
Tags: Adventure, Violence, Princess Celestia, Crossover, Death, Human, Main 6, Gore, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Comedy, Other
Length: 6963

The story about One Headless Boi in a whole new adventure in a new unfamiliar world. (how fun).

The Beheaded after escaping the Prisoner's Quarters, exploring all of the Island, defeating all of it's bosses, killing the king, get shoved back in time by the The Time Keeper for unknown reason, do everything again, not killing the king, this time possess his body, remember you were the king all along, find the The Collector in the Observatory, beat the hell out of The Collector and sitting on the throne doing nothing.

A mysterious looking individual appear out of nowhere and sending The Beheaded to god knows where to stop some form of forgotten evil.

Will our hero... champion... headless not so good person will help this new world or will he just screw up everything like on the Island. (what do i know, i'm just a voice in your head).

Disclaimer:
I do not own 'My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic' or 'Dead Cells'. They are the property of their respective owners, and are not my intellectual property.
There is no financial gain made from this nor will any be sought. This is for entertainment purposes only.

Dead Cells is a game full of references and fourth wall breaking. and this story is in that style.
All so some form of adult dark humor.

Published 2021-01-04 19:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2021-01-31 13:13:10 UTC

Chapter 1 - Well this is new

Author's Note

Some notes - dead cells is a game full of references and fourth wall breaking. and this story is in that style.

All so the main character of the story will have light blue color over his words since; well he doesn't have a head and its the color of the cells in the game.

Chapter 1 - Well this is new

The Island - Throne Room:

The King's throne was sculpted right out of the rock where it sits. Many months of work went into its exquisite details.

The Beheaded after escaping the Prisoner's Quarters, exploring all of the Island, defeating all of it's bosses, killing the king, get shoved back in time by the The Time Keeper for unknown reason, do everything again, not killing the king, this time possess his body, remember you were the king all along, find the The Collector in the Observatory, beat the hell out of The Collector and sitting on the throne doing nothing. (ya its the same as the long description. Sue me).

The king, Sitting on the throne of his desolate kingdom and drinking wine he took from the Derelict Distillery. He was thinking about all the pain he gone through, all the death caused by the Malaise and by him as a result from it. Did he felt remorse for the horrid things he done before becoming the one known as the The Beheaded, The Prisoner, Fallen One or Bobby (for some reason).

What was truly the thoughts of someone that condemned his entire kingdom to death and ruin.

"I AM SO BORED!!!."

Ok, not exactly the thoughts of someone that just condemned an entire kingdom to death and ruin. But we can work with that. Anyway the king now "so bored" had nothing to do except from one thing... Talking to himself (like a crazy person).

The King's POV:

"This is boring." the king said while he was drinking wine on his throne and pondering about the wild time he had as a headless corpse. "I miss wandering the sewers as a headless body. Finding blueprints and harvesting cells for the Collector... Well not that screw the Collector, the only good thing that came from him was the panacea and he made one flask of it."

"Oh well i guess i could bother The Time Keeper. Maybe if i annoy her enough she will send me back in time again."

In the moment the king got off his Throne. Suddenly a portal opened in front of the king and from it came out a tall floating shadowy figure that was covered by dark robes and the only part of his face that was visible was a strange looking eye in the middle of his face.

The shadowy figure and the king looked at each other for a few seconds until the king broke the silence.

"Hi."

(so much for braking the silence).

The shadowy figure lean over and looked very close at the king, then he snap one of his crooked hands and from nowhere a scroll appear and the shadowy figure started to look at it, then at the king, then at the scroll and again at the king for like a minute. Only then he started to talk.

"Are you the king?" the shadowy figure asked him.

The king just looked at the shadowy figure and said to him in the most casual way possible, "yes, yes i am." the king then reached for his backpack and pull out a very long baguette. "Baguette?" the king asked him as he was about to have a bite off it.

The shadowy figure looked at the baguette and said to the king, "oh, thank you." and he grabbed the baguette and started to eat it.

While eating the baguette, the shadowy figure said to the king, "i thought you where... You know dead."

"I was but after committing self regicide on myself, i was sent back in time before that and took back my body."

"Oh... How very plot convenient for you." the shadowy figure said in a condescending tone.

After ten minutes of doing nothing, the king asked the shadowy figure, "so... Who are you? And what the fuck do you want from me?"

"First thing first go fuck yourself you glorified pompous meatbag. Second since you asked so nicely like some Twat, my name is Shoft one of the grand arbiters and judicators of Vodiak warden of the void."

"Never heard of him and did not ask."

"Again like some Twat, anyway lord Vodiak ordered me to find you and to hire you to be an executioner on behalf my master and find a rogue demi-god that somehow mange to escape from the void."

"If you agree to this contract..."

"Done."

Shoft was looking at the king with a surprised look. (if you could see his face), "you don't want to hear about what you signing in the contract?"

"Look ever since i got my body back i am bored out of my mind with noting to do, if this contract meaning me going out for some new shit to do. Then i can only say where do i sign."

"Ok we have a deal but i still need to inform you about some parts of the contract and your reward."

"Sure go on."

"Very well this is a bounty contract for mirror king Phantasem. Reward for killing the target in one year supply of panacea, but bringing him alive for me to handle will reward you with the ability to make panacea flasks any time you want."

"Hold on!" the king said with shock. "You can just bring panacea like its nothing how!?"

"I serve one of the gods of the void, and i learn in my job not to wander how my master do what he does."

"Anyway failure is not an option so for this task you will be in one of your headless bodies; don't worry the body you will get will not be infected by the Malaise. All so you will have access to all of your weapons, skills, runes and Mutations. Just reach for your backpack and pick something to use. And one more thing, take this card; if some lower class deities will try to stop you this card will protect you from some of their power."

"Any questions before i open the portal." Shoft asked the king.

"Just one, where exactly are you sending?" the king asked.

"Well the last world we know Phantasem run to was some backwater world named equestria."

The king scratched his head in confusion and said, "equestria, is that a pun for something."

Shoft just give him a chuckle and said to him, "i'll give you the pleasure to find out yourself. Anyway stupid mortal getting shoved in to a portal say what."

"What?"

Then Shoft open a portal next to the king and he shoved him inside the portal. And as the portal was closing the king give him a middle finger and shouting "FUCK YOU!!" very aggressively.

After the portal closed Shoft was about to leave when he just remembered something important, "hold up did i send him to the correct time?" he began to check his portal logs and then after giving a long sigh he said to himself, "oh... Fuck."

equestria - canterlot castle: 700 years before the return of nightmare moon:

The kingdom of equestria, home to the ponies and many other creatures that decided to live there; side by side under the wise rule of princess celestia for over 500 years and in that time celestia had managed to bring peace, prosperity and harmony to all of her subjects. (and yet she is very useless when twilight began her story).

Anyway in this benevolent kingdom at it's heart is the city of canterlot the capital of equestria, and at the top of the city the great canterlot castle was built. And from there princess celestia is raising and lowering the sun and moon.

And in this quiet and peaceful night; suddenly a portal was opened inside one of the castle hallways and from this portal came out a headless body with some clothes, a few pieces of armor and instead of a head was a flame with a single eye in the center. No longer the king, he was once more the being known as The Beheaded.

"(God damn it, that is the last time i am getting into a portal, BY A MASSIVE ASS!)." The Beheaded said with anger to himself since he had no head to express words.

Our hero (if you can call him that) started to look around and to see that he is in a castle.

"(Well, time to explore)."

And just like that he began to explore the castle and after half an hour he mange to get back to where he started. (yes he was lost).

"(This castle is ridiculously huge!, and why every painting have horses and not people!)." The Beheaded said to himself and immediately after that he started to kick one of the doors. And after some kicks the door opened with force and on the other side was a large garden with many trees and flowers.

"(Nice place, but it is nothing compare to the Dilapidated Arboretum)."

The Beheaded then began to explore the garden, when suddenly he began to hear the sound of someone crying not far from him. He went to the source of the noise and from his hiding spot behind a tree. (yes he was hiding behind a tree while he had a burning head). And when he expected to find a human, instead he found a large white winged unicorn sitting on a marble bench, crying and looking at the moon.

"(It's official, i've gone insane)." The Beheaded said to himself, only to accidentally step on a stick.

Suddenly the winged unicorn turn her head and then the most bizarre thing happened, she began to talk. "Is somepony there?"

The Beheaded then stood still thinking maybe she didn't saw him, "(I think she didn't saw me)."

"I can see you, you know."

"(Crap!)."

"Who ever you are come out, i promise you no harm will come to you." the winged unicorn said with a sincere voice.

"(What to do, what to do... Oh i know)."

A few seconds later from behind the tree he started to come out and he was looking at the winged unicorn and then he began to wave his hand in a hello gesture.

celestia's POV:

For the first time in 300 to 400 years celestia did not know what to do. In front of her was some sort of... Well she had no idea what that thing was. Except for what is in front of her face. A a headless body with some clothes, a few pieces of armor and instead of a head was a flame with a single eye in the center. And he was waving at her like they were close.

"Excuse me, but if you don't mind..." celestia began to say, only to be interrupt by this strange visitor.

The visitor began to reach for his backpack and pulling from there a very long baguette.

Celestia, if not before she is now very confused about this weird situation. "Is this for me?" she asked him.

The strange visitor shook his head up and down and giving her a thumbs up to confirm her question.

Celestia used her magic to bring the baguette to her and she started eating it.

"Thank you for this kind gesture but can you tell me who are you? Or what are you?" celestia asked him.

"(Oh great, i forgot i can't speak. Well this is gonna be a long night)."

"(I miss my Island)."

Chapter 2 - Getting to know each other (i think)

equestria - canterlot castle: 700 years before the return of nightmare moon:

The two stood there in the canterlot garden, celestia waiting for the strange visitor to say something and the Beheaded trying to find a way to explain why he can't really talk. (talking about a problem in keeping the flow of the story).

Our hero... (ok, you get that all ready that our protagonist is not a good person). Anyway our "hero" was rubbing his chin, is burning nonexistent chin and was saying to himself, "(Well this is a problem.)"

"(Come to think of it, how am i supposed to communicate with a talking horse?)" the Beheaded started to think hard and hard trying to find a way talking to the mare.

Celestia saw the strange visitor scratching his head in frustration, (his nonexistent burning smoke head), then he started to kick the ground none stop, like a colt in tantrum. And a few seconds after celestia figure out why he was acting like this.

"Excuse me." celestia said to him to get is attention. The visitor then stop his tantrum and looked at celestia with his full attention, well she was thinking she got his attention since the whole burning head.

"Are you unable to speak?" celestia asked him only to get a thumbs up from the visitor.

"Well i can't promise it will help but i can use telepathy so we can hear each other, if you want."

The Beheaded was thinking a bit and then give her another thumbs up.

"Ok then, just stay there and don't move. I will perform the spell." celestia said to him and she began to charge her horn. Then a massive flash of light surround both celestia and the Beheaded.

When the flash of light vanished, celestia opened her eyes and said to him, "did it work?" but the only thing celestia heard was a none stop bombardment of vulgar words.

"(Damn it!, i can't see. How i can't see?!, i have no eyes!. What the hell that stupid horse did to me!!?)"

His voice was not what celestia expected to hear from him. Rather then hearing a one singular regular voice like any normal creature, his voice sounded like two voices overlapping each other; one voice was a mixture of an high and low tones with the low tone more dominating. And the second voice was not even can be consider a voice but rather an echo following every word coming from him. Perhaps it was do to the fact he had no head. Or perhaps it was something else entirely.

But in celestia's mind one thing was certain, she was not that happy hearing him calling her stupid... Or a horse.

"You know, there is no need to talk like that, you can hurt someponies feelings. And for your information i am a pony not a horse, an alicorn to be specific."

"(Lady you made me blind!. And what on you on about, a pony is a horse.)" then the Beheaded stopped talking and looked at her location with what looked like a surprised face. Then he began to say to celestia, "(You can hear me.)"

"Yes i can hear you, but only i can everypony else will not be able to hear you talking or our telepathic conversions."

The Beheaded looked at celestia with an, what appeared as an Irritated face and said to her, "(Everybody.)"

"I beg your pardon." celestia said with confusion.

"(The term is everybody not everypony.)"

Celestia was now looking at him with an Irritated face and said to him, "you finally can talk to somepony and they can hear you, and the only thing you have to say is that our pronunciation is wrong."

"(Somebody.)" he correct celestia... Again.

Celestia just face hoofed her face and in frustration. Then she said to him, "anyway can you just tell me who are you?"

At this point the Beheaded was in another very small problem, what name should he use. Back in the Island he was known as: The Beheaded, The Prisoner, Fallen One, The Anomaly and The King. But after hard good thinking he made his decision. The name that will mark the start of his quest in this new world.

"(You can call me Bobby.)"

(of all the names he had, he had to choose that one... Wonderful.)

Celestia was looking at him with one of the most anticlimactic expression she ever had and said to him, "bobby, just bobby nothing else."

"(Yep, just your friendly neighborhood Bobby.)"

"Ok... Anyway, my name is princess celestia and i welcome you to canterlot castle the capital of equestria." celestia said to bobby with her normal sincere voice.

"And what is the name of the place you call home?"

"(Well this is gonna be awkward but sure why not, my home is a kingdom on an Island.)"

"And." celestia said waiting for a follow up in his sentence.

"(And what.)"

"What do you mean what. You didn't said a name, just that it is a kingdom on an island."

"(So.)" bobby said casually.

"So. So its polite to name the place you come from."

"(And why should i tell you that.)"

"Because we are friends."

There was a moment of silence between celestia and bobby. Friendship was a concept that was not new to him ever since the time he was the king and later on the Beheaded and then the king again. And after hearing this word again in his life he could do one thing. He started laughing none stop at celestia.

"Why, why are you laughing at me!?" celestia said to him.

"(You kidding me right, how did you came to the conclusion that we are friends. We are not even in the same level of trust.)" bobby said to her in a very blunt way.

"Well i was thinking since the gesture with the bread and using my telepathy spell you will think of me as a friend."

"(I gonna stop you now. First its not just bread its a baguette, and second you know nothing about me. What if i was an assassin.)"

"Are you?"

"(Well no but that is not the point hare.)"

"Look i get it, this whole situation is new to you, well its all so new to me but i think if you let me help you; then we can become good friends."

"(Listen, its not that easy. The last friends i had, well we were no longer friends.)"

"And it caused a problem for you in making new friends."

"(What? No, we stopped being friends when they tried to kill me.)"

"THEY DID WHAT!" celestia yelled at him with her royal canterlot voice.

"(LADY!, NEXT TIME USE YOUR INNER VOICE!!)" bobby yelled back at her while covering his ears. (his nonexistent ears.)

"Sorry sorry, its just i don't respond kindly to violence."

"(Well, that will make things more problematic for us to get know each other.)"

"Why is that?" celestia asked him.

"(Well, my philosophy in life is violence all ways solves everything, rather then peace and harmony. I hope it won't be a problem.)"

"Well as long as you don't kill anypony then we don't have a problem."

"(Sure, seems like a reasonable request.)"

Both of them then started shaking hand and hoof in an agreement. And then Bobby asked her, "(So why were you crying?)"

Celestia was a little reluctant to answer bobby's question about her past, "i rather not discuss this matter. At least not at this moment, if you don't mind."

"(Fair enough.)" bobby said to her while shrugging his shoulders.

They stood again in silence for a few seconds, but before any of them could talk. A few of the canterlot castle guardsponies arrived with haste to the garden; with spears, swords, crossbows and some unicorn mages.

Then from the group of guards came forth a unicorn in full golden armor and a scar in his left eye. And with an angry look on his face he said, "step away from the princess, monster!" the guard captain said to The Beheaded.

"(From where exactly all of them came from?)"

canterlot castle - 30 minutes ago:

Meanwhile while everything was happening in the garden, two guardsponies were patrolling around the halls of the castle while all so talking about important guard business.

"So what do you think about that new mare recruit?"

(ok never mind. Even 700 years back in the past, the royal guard were useless. Anyway lets get back to our story.)

"So what do you think about that new mare recruit?" the younger guardspony said to the veteran guardspony.

"What's to think about her, she is fast and strong. The only problem she will face in her career will be prejudice; do to the fact she is a bat pony." the veteran guardspony said back to him.

"That's deep, but i was more thinking about how cute she is." the younger guardspony said with a blushed face.

The veteran guardspony stopped walking and the younger guardspony all so stopped after him. The veteran guardspony looked at his partner guard with an angry and disappointed face, and then he used his front hoof to hit the back of the younger guardspony's head.

"Ouch that really hurt, what was that for?"

"Don't get any stupid ideas to your head, we are the royal canterlot guard."

"I know that."

"Then act like one!, every time you see a new mare you act like an idiot."

While the veteran guardspony was scolding his young partner for the hundredth time. The younger guardspony happened to find something suspicious.

"Come here for a sec."

"Don't change the subject."

"No look." the younger guardspony said to his superior while pointing his hoof on the broken door.

The two went to the broken door and started investigating the scene. "The door is leading out to the garden." the veteran guardspony said to his young partner.

"Why anypony would smash the door?" the younger guardspony asked his superior.

Suddenly the two guardsponies heard a strong voice that was recognized by everypony in equestria.

"THEY DID WHAT!"

"That sounded like princess celestia's royal canterlot voice." said the younger guardspony.

"The princess all most never using the royal canterlot voice, i don't like this." said the veteran guardspony.

"What should we do?"

"For now lets call for backup, i am not taking any chances."

"Yes sir."

And just like that the two guardsponies went to bring backup to aid their princess. (and one point after another and we came to where we originally stopped our story.)

"Step away from the princess, monster!" the guard captain said to The Beheaded.

The garden was now full of guardsponies ready to protect their princess. (i am all ready feel bad for them.)

"Captain longsword stand down, his not going to hurt anypony." celestia said to her guard captain.

"(Really, captain longsword, what kind of a stupid name is that.)"

"(I don't think it is a good time to think about that, don't you think.)" celestia said to bobby using telepathy.

"No can do princess, with all the problem we have from the cult of anarchy we can't take any chances." captain longsword said to celestia.

"(Cult of Anarchy?, maybe its a connection to that mirror king i need to find.)"

"So i will tell you again monster, step away from the princess or we will use force!"

Everyone could see and feel that the tension was high and the very little thing can make things worse. And on that note the young guardspony from before accidentally (like an idiot) shoot The Beheaded with a crossbow. (again, they are useless.)

The bolt hit The Beheaded in the shoulder and nothing. No sign of pain whatsoever. The Beheaded then looked at the guardsponies with a very very angry burning face while he all so was taking out the bolt from his shoulder; and a few drops of blood came with it.

Bobby then toss the bolt to the ground and turn his head to celestia, "(I know i promised not to kill anyone and i will but, i am going to teach your guards to be... More polite.)"

He then reached for his backpack and from it he grabbed a very large Broadsword.

"(My trusty Broadsword, Slow and heavy, but deliciously vicious.)" The Beheaded said to himself.

"(Now then, who's first.)"

Chapter 3 - Getting to know each other (but with weapons)

Equestria - canterlot castle: 700 years before the return of nightmare moon:(ya i know it's the third time we see this headline, but bear with me with this, its all plot relevant.)

It was a very peaceful night in the city of canterlot: ponies went to sleep after a hard working day, the streets were all most empty; with only some few patrolling guards and of course the few bat ponies that lived in canterlot doing either night shifts in their jobs or just having some fun. But far from the city streets, in canterlot castle, one bat pony royal guard (the only bat pony royal guard) was beginning her first shift in the guard; after so much hard time just to being except.

She was a bat pony mare (of course) with a coat color of dark blue with a strong grey stripes around her body. But she was not a full bat pony. No she was an half breed of a bat pony with an a all most extinct subspecies of ponies... The shadow ponies.

Many in equestria see shadow ponies as bad omens or monsters; do to the bad history that their name came with. (thanks to a certain villain with a great concept, but bad, so bad execution.), but in reality they are no difference between the shadow ponies and the equestrian ponies. They all can do the same things, but the only differences they have is that: shadow ponies have no cutie marks and they have a better control with dark magic. (but we came to hear a story and not the profiling of another pony subspecies.)

Anyway. The name of this certain half breed royal guard mare recruit, was Noctra. And while she was preparing for her first night on the job, she never imagined it will change her life forever, but will it be good? Or bad? Only time will tell. (bad it will be bad.)

"Take a deep breath Noctra. It was a long ride getting hare, but you are now a member of the royal guard. And every action we make will be to improve the worldview of bat ponies in the land... No pressure." Noctra said to herself in the mirror to calm down. (it did not work.)

After her bad attempt to calm down, Noctra began to put her custom made royal guard armor. While it was tradition for the color of the royal guard armor to be gold, celestia ordered a dark blue version with some alterations to the design; for her bat pony figure. (fun fact, this armor is the proto version of what luna's night guard will use 700 years from now.) after putting on the armor and her family heirloom she got from her father, a shadow amulet that amplify the power of shadow magic, and a standard issue bat ponies curved sword. Noctra was ready to begin her first patrol.

Exiting the guard barracks, she went to report to Guard Captain longsword (who chose her to become a royal guard to begin with), she open the door to longsword's room and with a salute she said, "Captain longsword, this is recruit royal guard Noctra, reporting for duty sir!"

But then she notice, he was not in his room. "That's strange, Captain longsword said he will give me a short briefing." while Noctra was trying to think of a good reason why Captain longsword was not in his room. A very large explosion came from the royal garden...... (nothing happened).

(I said, A VERY LARGE EXPLOSION CAME FROM THE ROYAL GARDEN!!!).

(large explosion sounds... Thank you!, i am working with amateurs. Anyway back to the story).

"What was that!" Noctra said with an alarming voice.

She started to fly to the direction of the gardens to see what happened, and when she got there she saw something beyond explanation. More then 30 royal guardsponies covering the hallway to the garden. Some of them where hiding behind the columns, some of them where inside holes in the walls and the rest where just on the floor. "What, what happened here?" Noctra asked herself while moving around the wounded unconscious bodies of her fellow guards.

"I don't get it. Who ever did this could kill all of them, why leave them alive?"

"Because i asked him not to kill anypony." a voice said further in the hallway.

Noctra turn and she saw princess celestia, limping to the hallway with a guardspony helping her. (it was the veteran guardspony from before.)

"Princess celestia!" Noctra yelled while running to celestia, but was stopped by the guardspony that was helping celestia.

"What do you think you are doing recruit!. You are in front of her royal highness princess celestia, act like one of her guards, not like somepony from the countryside!"

Noctra then stopped running and said to them while bowing her head, "i'm so sorry sir, your highness. Please forgive me!"

"It's fine, my little pony. We have a bigger problem at this moment, and we need your help with it." celestia said to Noctra in the most calm way she can; while all so hiding her huge amount of pain.

"Of course i will help, this is why i joined the royal guard."

"Thank you, young Noctra." celestia said to her with a smile. "Sergeant can you go help the other guards while i explain the situation to Noctra."

"Yes your highness." the veteran guardspony said to celestia. "Ok all of you, get your lazy flanks up now!"

Celestia and Noctra were both amazed by how just from the veteran's order every guard got up. (all so the unconscious guards... Some how.)

"When this is all over i think i am going to give this guard a promotion. Noctra do you know the name of this Pegasi?"

"Yes, i think his name his FireTurret."

"Sergeant FireTurret, i will remember that."

(another fun fact, Sergeant FireTurret is one of the ancestors of wonderbolts captain Spitfire. The more you know.)

"Now Noctra i need you to go and help Captain longsword as long as you can, can you do that?"

"You can count on me princess, but what exactly happened to begin with?"

"Well it all started when..."

(flashback transition sound)

Canterlot castle - gardens (what happened during the first act of this chapter):

"(I know i promised not to kill anyone and i will but, i am going to teach your guards to be... More polite.)"

He then reached for his backpack and from it he grabbed a very large Broadsword.

"(Now then, who's first.)"

The garden was all most quiet, with the only sound there was came from the cold air of that dark night. Both the royal guardsponies and The Beheaded were ready to battle, the question is who will make the first move. (i think we all know who will make the first move.)

Captain longsword and The Beheaded looked like they were ready to kill each other. When Captain longsword then said ,"royal guard, for the prin..." but before Captain longsword could finish his words, The Beheaded vanish leaving only dust where he stood.

"What just happened?" said the young guardspony.

"Find him, he used magic to teleport from here, there must be some trace of magic we can use to find him!" Captain longsword said to his guardsponies.

"Captain longsword!" celestia yelled calling her captain.

"Yes princess celestia."

"You need to order your guards back to the castle and apologize to my guest, now!"

"Apologize!, i will not apologize for doing my job."

"That was not a request longsword, that was an order and you will do WHAT YOUR PRINCESS COMMANDS YOU TO DO!" celestia yelled at Captain longsword with her royal canterlot voice.

While princess celestia and Captain longsword were yelling at each other. Above them at one of the many castle rooftops The Beheaded was looking at them while eating. (and yes it was a baguette)

"(Wow, that princess needs to have a better captain. My hand of the king was loyal to the end, even when he tried to kill me, but to be fair that was when he thought i was just some prison trash. But at least he followed my orders and not argue with the one he serve. If this keeps up she will have an attempt on her big horse ass.)"

Bobby was thinking while eating his baguette, and then an idea got to his head. He then grabbed his Broadsword and he jumped from the roof while standing on the Broadsword's blade and holding the hilt, while doing this he started to yell, "(LEEROY!!!)"

(back at the ground with celestia and the guards)

While the guards where watching their guard captain and princess at each other's throats. The young guardspony started to hear a very strange heavy whooshing sounds from somewhere. He then looked up and his face started to pale with terror.

"Cap, cap, cap, CAPTAIN!" the young guardspony yelled with full voice.

"What is it guardspony!"

"ABOVE US!"

Then captain longsword, celestia and the rest of the guardsponies all looked up and like the young guardspony before them their faces started to pale in terror. But only celestia could hear what Bobby was yelling in the sky, and it was some sort of strange battle cry.

"(JENKINS!!!)"

Then the huge slab that was the Broadsword's blade hit the ground in such force that it caused a very large explosion that made all the guards fly with force in to the castle.

"(Nailed it.)" bobby said while returning his Broadsword back to his backpack.

He then turn to celestia, (with a big "what the hell just happened" face). Then he grabbed her by the face with both of his hands and said to her, "(Do you trust me?)"

"Yes i trust you."

"(Ok, good. Then let me just say i am very sorry.)"

"Sorry about what?" celestia asked bobby, only to receive a punch to the face that made her unconscious.

"(Good, now then.)" bobby said while entering the huge hole in the wall and was searching for something or someone OR somepony.

Bobby then found captain longsword, coughing inside a pile of rubble. Longsword was starting to open his eyes and in front of him was the strange monster with the burning head, only this time he was getting something else from his backpack.

After like two seconds, bobby grabbed from his backpack his Wrenching Whip and looked very close at captain longsword and even if he could not hear him. Bobby then said, "(Time to teach you some manners, punk.)"

(end of flashback)

Canterlot castle - throne room:

The canterlot castle throne room, this room was the center of the equestrian government. Here upon her throne of sunlight. Celestia meets with foreign leaders, ambassadors and even the nobles of her kingdom to conduct negotiates and other forms business to improve nation relations.

But now that is not the case. For this night this proud room of royalty is a battleground between the captain of the royal guard and their worst nightmare, a headless comic relief character with a strong bloodlust and an appreciation for french cuisine. (oh, l'horreur. That's french for - oh, the horror.)

(anyway.)

At the throne room a loud sound of the door being open was heard and from the doors the Noctra entered with force, "captain longsword i came to help... You..." she said very slowly. Because before her eyes the entire throne room was in a complete mess. But what was more shocking was that her captain, longsword. He was tied with a Whip and next to him was the monster, a headless monster with a burning head and blueish skin. The monster was sitting on celestia's throne while holding a sword in one hand and in the second hand was some sort of a blue ball. And with one leg stepping on longsword's head.

Noctra saw him, all menacing like he came from tartarus its self. And she was wondering what a monster like that was thinking in his twisted mind.

"(What the hell, is that a pony that's looks like a bat... I want to hold it!)" (so much for "a menacing monster" don't you think.)

"Release captain longsword at once!"

Bobby looked at Noctra and then at the pony under his feet. Then he shrug his shoulders and released the captain. He return the Wrenching Whip to his backpack and kicked longsword from the high spot next to the throne to the floor. (like a Boss.)

"Captain!" Noctra cried as she run to him.

"Noctra, what are you doing here?"

"I am here to help you."

"Don't. Just run. That thing is beyond anything we faced before."

"All do respect sir, celestia asked me to help and i'm not going to disappoint her. Now, i will take care of this monster."

Noctra then went to the throne only to see the monster taking out of is backpack: bread, cheese, vegetables, fruits, meats and a cake.

"Are you making a picnic?"

He nodded with his head and handed her some sugar cubes.

"Thank you, i think. Oh by the way celestia used that telepathy magic on me so i can hear you as well."

"(Oh nice. Well don't just stand there eat something.)"

"Ok then."

In her mind it was insane. She was expecting a battle against a monster, but instead she was getting a free dinner.

"I don't get it!" Noctra said while holding a fruit salad.

"(What?)"

"I was thinking we will be fighting!, not having a night picnic!"

"(Look where i come from its kill or be killed, so this is more of a vacation for me.)" bobby said while biting his sandwich.

"So why did you attacked the guards and the princess?"

"(Hey!, they attack first. And i punched... What was her name celestia. Well i punched her to not break her authority.)"

"I don't get it."

"(Look. When your ruler and her captain of the guard don't stop yelling at each other, it is not a good look to have. So... I give them a new problem to focus on.)"

"Hold on!, you risked your life just to solve a problem that was not your concern."

"(Yeah pretty much.)"

"You could got hurt or worse!"

"(Nope, not gonna happened.)"

"How can you tell."

"(Bitch, i'm immortal. I can't die. Trust me on that. But keep it a secret for now.)"

"Sure... So what you gonna do now?"

"(Well, i have a job to do in this world can't really get in detailed about it. But i think i will leave see this world a bit before doing my job, its a good change of scenery.)"

"Perhaps i can help you." a very familiar voice said to them.

Both Bobby and Noctra turn their heads to see celestia with some strange six jewels with her.

"(Yo princess flying horse, what's with the jewels.)"

"Show some respect to the princess or i will cut you."

"(No you won't, if i want i can kill all of you. The reason i don't is that i find you ponies surprisingly funny.)"

"Forget about that for now. But bobby how about you work for me as one of my spies."

"Your name is bobby?"

"(Hold that thought for a moment bat horse. You want me to work for you as a spy. Why?)"

"You said you came here for a job and the best way to get information is to visit other kingdoms. So if you work for me as a spy you can find information about that job of yours and information that i need its a win win."

"(You have a point.)"

"So, do we have a deal?"

"(Sure why not. But only if the bat horse joins me.)"

"What, you can't ask the princess for that." Noctra said to bobby.

"Very well then. Both you and Noctra will be our new spies."

"WHAT!, do i have a say in this."

"No."
"(No.)"

Both celestia and bobby said to Noctra.

"Oh fine, but i am calling the shots."

"(Sure have fun with it. Now can we finish this dinner.)"

"How lovely is that cake. I really love cake." celestia said like a child.

"Hey don't eat my fruit salad." Noctra said while running to her food.

Before bobby return to the food he saw longsword on the ground and out of pity, he grabbed him from the floor and put him next to celestia and handed him a salad.

"Oh... Thanks. Sorry about the whole kill the monster thing back there."

Bobby just did a "forget about it." gesture with his hands and open a bottle of wine for all of them.

(and they ate dinner like nothing happened. Again kinda anticlimactic but wholesome.)

Over the next five years both Noctra and bobby were sent to spy missions for princess celestia. But all most no one in the castle knew who bobby was with the exception of celestia, Noctra, longsword and the two guardsponies (FireTurret and his young partner named buckshot.)

But after the long five years a new group of recruits came to the castle and celestia was thinking about a new way to test them. And that test involved her special headless friend.

(god have mercy on their souls.)

Chapter 4 - The new guard

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