Dating Chaos: Hippo Birdes to Ewe

by TheOnlySaneDraconequus

Rating: teen
Tags: Sex, Discord, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Self Insert
Length: 3303

Discord gives me a frankly amazing birthday

A bit of self-indulgent fluff for my birthday tomorrow.

Published 2021-01-05 03:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2021-01-05 03:40:01 UTC

Just the two of us

The radio clicked on waking me up for my morning routine. My eyes snapped open and I toppled out of the floating bed, floating in space instead of hitting the floor. “Oh my God, I’m late! I’ve gotta get to-”

Strong talons yanked me back onto the bed which had been floating upside down above me. From under the nest of covers, my boyfriend’s grumpy voice said, “It’s Saturday. You don’t work Saturdays. Usually.”

“Oh. Heh. Sorry Discord.”

Discord threw the covers off, stretching his lanky body and yawning like a cat to show off his sharp teeth. “Actually, it’s a good thing I got up before noon,” he said as he realized something. He turned to me with a grin. “Do you know what today is?”

I thought, but my brain still wasn’t awake. “Saturday?” I guessed.

Discord chuckled and ruffled my hair. “While you remember, I’ll make us breakfast!” He got out of bed and snapped his fingers. The bed righted itself and gently landed on the floor. “Don’t take too long!” he said with an impish smile. He disappeared around a corner.

I nodded and peeled off the t-shirt I’d slept in. I loved cuddling with Discord, but I preferred to sleep in clothes, and that much fur made it quite hot at night. I hobbled over to the shower. I glanced at the blurry array of knobs before me and turned the red one, wanting a hot shower. “YYYYEEEEEEEAAAAUUUUGGGHHHH!!!!” I screamed as boiling lava poured out of the showerhead.

I jumped out of the shower as my skin began to peel and blister. I hit the floor, whimpering in pain. Was something burning? Oh, it was me.

There was a clattering sound from the kitchen and Discord popped into the room with a look of panic. He saw my burned form. “WHAT HAPPENED?!!”

“Lava,” I managed to get out.

“Oh, my god, I-” Discord snapped his fingers and my flesh mended until there wasn’t a mark left. He scooped me up, not caring that I’d mind my lack of clothes. “You turned the red knob?”

I nodded, clinging to him. “I wasn’t quite awake, I just remembered red meant ‘hot.’”

Discord chuckled. “Yes, for me. Faust, I forget how fragile you mortals are. It’s another reason I-” He looked uncomfortable. “Why don’t you get dressed and meet me for breakfast? You’re clean, I promise.” I nodded and Discord dashed off. I wasn’t mad at him, lava didn’t hurt him, it really was just an extra-warm shower for him. I was mad because I’d lived with him for so long, I should have remembered not to turn the knob he’d so helpfully color-coded no matter how tired I was.

Since I didn’t have to dress up for work, I simply pulled on a t-shirt and some pants and shoes. I caught a whiff of breakfast coming from the kitchen and once again cursed the universe for giving me next to no sense of smell. To my surprise, Discord had turned out to be an amazing cook, and I’d gained the weight to prove it. Getting me to eat three square was no small task.

I pulled on my glasses and made some attempt at combing my hair before stumbling into the kitchen. Heh. Waffles, each a different shape. I sat down and dug into my food, mumbling a, “Thanks dear.” I then caught sight of Discord’s outfit and laughed. It was very domestic, but he was wearing a frilly pink apron and nothing else, his butt clearly on display. I grinned. “Isn’t that outfit indecent in Equestria?” From what I understood, a guy making his boyfriend breakfast in nothing but an apron was indecent here, but Equestria had different views on nudity. You got used to them after a while.

Discord grinned. “Positively scandalous. I’m amazed you can keep your hands off me.” I rolled my eyes. Discord pouted. “What?! I know you’re Ace, but-”

“Discord even I think you’re hot, I’m not blind!” I said with a laugh. “Sorry I don’t appreciate it the way you want,” I said, feeling guilty again.

Discord waved it off. He looked crestfallen. “You … got hurt. Because of me. Again.”

“Discord, it’s-”

“IF I HADN’T BEEN HERE, YOU WOULD HAVE DIED!!!” Discord roared.

I took his paw and started rubbing it. “But you were, and I didn’t. If it makes you feel better, you can take that pipe out and just shower with water like the rest of us plebes,” I said with a grin. “Don’t torture yourself, ok? My species still isn’t used to magic and all of its hazards, we could barely handle what we have back home.” Discord nodded, looking moody. I tried to change the subject. “You said today’s special?”

Discord’s eyes widened. “You’ve really forgotten?”

I nodded. “So it would seem.”

Discord grinned. “It’s your birthday.”

My eyes widened. I looked at the calendar on the wall since I didn’t have my phone. “Son of a gun. It is!”

Discord chuckled. “I got you something! I know you don’t like celebrating it, but I couldn’t resist.”

I sighed and accepted the inevitable, there was no way I wasn’t opening this present.

Discord held out a large box. It was wrapped in an eyewatering neon pink and turquoise plaid and tied with a cherry ribbon.

I took it gingerly. My hair stood on end, and the box seemed to pulse gently. It was also warm to the touch. Whatever was in here had powerful magic, if even a human like me could pick up on it.

I looked at Discord carefully. “Ok, I will open this. I don’t think you’d ever harm me, but … is this dangerous?” Discord nodded slowly. “Will it hurt me?” He quickly shook his head. “Will it hurt others?”

“Not if you’re careful,” Discord said quickly. “You always are!” he said with a supportive and encouraging smile.

“Now I feel like Pandora,” I muttered. “Although hers was more of a jar, but here goes…”

I undid the ribbon and slowly eased the box open. When nothing exploded, I let out my breath. I pulled the box under my head and opened the flaps. There was a blinding flash of light and I was thrown against the wall before everything went black.

“Buck, my head!” I said as I rubbed it. My eyes snapped open. I had horns. That was not normal in any way. I also had a muzzle instead of a nose, and very sharp teeth. I stood up and glanced down. Those shreds were my clothes, and that long furry snake thing appeared to be my torso. I brought up my paws and examined them, feeling my ear twitching in surprise on top of my head. I glanced at Discord, and noticed I was now taller than him. I took a deep breath. In the tone of voice that meant I was about five seconds away from killing him, I said, “Discord… What did you do?”

Discord didn’t answer. His eyes were widened in shock, a blush was showing through his fur, and his flag was at full mast, to use euphemism. Yep, that was a tail swishing behind me in irritation. I tried again. “Discord, am I a Draconequus?”

He nodded.

“Why?”

He found his voice. “I – I just …” he sighed. “I love you, and I wanted you to see how fun it can be to be me. I don’t want to be alone,” he said quietly. “I’m not alone,” he added quickly. “I have you, but I’m the only Draconequus in existence.”

“How did you do it?”

“It wasn’t easy,” was his only reply.

“Is it permanent?” I asked with worry.

“It’s just for today since it’s your birthday, but at the end of today if you choose to stay like this, you will. Otherwise you go back to ‘normal,’” he said with a grin.

I took a deep breath, then another. In, out. Discord started rubbing my back. “Panic attack?” he asked.

“Not yet, but probably soon,” I said slowly. “Can you get my medicine?”

“It might not work in your current body.”

“Joy. Why’d you, uh, ‘spring to attention?’”

“Hmm?” I pointed at his crotch; it still hadn’t gone all the way down. “Oh.” He blushed. “You’re … uh … incrediblyhot,” he coughed into his fist. I snorted. He shrugged. “It might just be because I’ve never seen another Draconequus before.”

“Hmmph. You’re not getting urges to mate with me and raise cubs, are you?” I asked with a teasing grin.

“I’ll … get back to you,” he admitted slowly.

“Hoh, boy … Right. Bring me a mirror, I want to see what your definition of ‘incredibly hot’ looks like.”

I was about 9 feet tall. My fur was a dark grey on my torso and a medium brown on my chest and stomach. I had paws; the pads were a medium pink. My tail was a large busy red fox tail that turned brown towards the end with a cream-colored tip. I had a set of orange and gold lizard legs. I also had large green beetle wings, that was unexpected. Had very sharp teeth, a pair of large deer antlers, and a dark black unicorn horn. I had a dark purple jagged mane like a hyena and donkey ears. I had bushy black eyebrows and a blood red goatee. My eyes were bright yellow with black sclera, and the fur around them grew black like a raccoon mask.

I looked myself over. “Kinda goth,” I proclaimed.

Discord chuckled. “You also have a great butt and you’re literally hung like a horse,” he said, flicking his snake tongue out flirtatiously.

I rolled my eyes. I’m sure I’ll get a lot of use out of that,” I muttered sarcastically. “So, what do you think?”

“You’re annoyingly symmetrical, but still gorgeous,” Discord said, giving me a kiss.

“We can’t all be lords of chaos. You’ve turned me into a pony, a griffon, and now a Draconequus. Do you object to my being human that much?”

“Do you?” Discord asked with a knowing smile. The answer to that was a definite yes. “I’m kind of sad you didn’t stay a griffon, you were beautiful,” he said with a slight pout. “But this is even better!”

“Do … I have magic?” I asked with an excited smile.

“You should be able to rend reality itself,” he said casually. “Try not to break it too badly.”

“How does it work?”

Discord shrugged. “Will what you want into existence. That’s how it works for me.”

I concentrated. A glass of chocolate milk appeared in my hand.

Discord raised an eyebrow. “You wasted your first piece of magic on that?”

“You like chocolate mile even more than I do,” I pointed out.

“You could do something big!” he said, waving his arms. “You could turn every human into a pony or a squid and make it so they’d always been that! If you weren’t ace, you could have your own harem! You can do anything!”

“Well, a world of squid doesn’t sound very interesting, we already have ponies thanks to that planar convergence thingy, and just because I’m ace doesn’t mean I might not enjoy being surrounded by adoring gorgeous males with hardly a stich on,” I said with an evil grin. “Just not humans… I dated you, didn’t I? Lead me not into temptation, for I know every shortcut.”

“I’ve created a monster!” Discord said with wide eyes. I nodded smugly. Discord sighed. “This is supposed to be a Teen rated fic, and we’ve been cutting it pretty close, so try to do something a little more PG than a furry harem but do something impressive!”

“You’re hard to impress,” I pointed out. He shrugged. “All righty then...”

I concentrated again. A tiny solar system appeared floating above my paw.

Discord grinned. “See? Now that’s impressive!”

“Thanks, dear,” I said with a slight purr at the praise. I blinked. “Huh. I purr when I’m happy too now.” I glanced at my new, buffer body and thought of the power buzzing at my fingertips. I had a fox tail, too, that was a huge bonus. I grinned evilly. “This? This I like. There’s a good chance I’ll be keeping this…” I snapped the solar system away.

“Hoooh boy…” Discord said nervously. “I have a lot of plans for the day, may I take you somewhere?” I nodded eagerly. “You should probably get dressed.”

“Why? I’m not human…” I said with a shit-eating grin. “I might want to show off.”

Discord sighed. “I forgot what a nudist you are when you’re a species from Equestria. At least put on a scarf, it is winter in some parts of the world.”

I nodded and went to the closet. I pulled out the 15-foot striped scarf I’d made Discord for Hearth’s Warming a few years before. I held it out. “Can we do that pony thing? I mean some humans do it too, but…”

Discord grinned and wrapped about half of it around his neck. “Bend down, I don’t want to catch this on your antlers.” I did. “Easy now…” he muttered. He wrapped the scarf around my neck, so we were tied together with it. “You are such a goob,” he teased ruffling my mane.
“Hmm…” I started counting on my fingers. “Gorgeous, great sense of humor, understands my mental health, spoils me rotten, practically all-powerful, and cooks too! You’re not so bad yourself. How’d I win the love lottery?”

“Random chaotic chance in the universe,” Discord said with a grin. “I’m happy you crashed into me in that grocery store.”

“Me too, even if you’ve made me unbearably mushy.”

Discord snapped his fingers and a portal appeared.

“Are we heading to Earth?”

Discord grinned. “You’ll see… You can hold my talons if you want.” I rolled my eyes but did so anyway.

We stepped through, and I was blasted by below freezing air that ruffled my fur. “Brrr! Maybe you were right!” Discord rolled his eyes. I saw where we were. “No. Way.”

Discord grinned. “Welcome to the Smithsonian! I know you’ve always wanted to see it. No, I am not going to bring the exhibits to life, so don’t ask.” I chuckled. “There’s also a certain library in this town I know you’ve always wanted to see… I figured we’d do that last since they’ll have to drag you out kicking and screaming, right?”

I nodded. “It takes at least a week to see just the Smithsonian, we can’t see it all in one day!”

Discord shrugged. “Pick a museum, and I’ll bring you back over the next few weeks.”

I nodded eagerly. “Uhh … SPACE!” I shouted.

“Wow. That’s the fastest I’d ever seen you make a decision. Let’s go then!”

The museum was better than I’d expected. Discord treated me to a wonderful greasy lunch. As we were outside the museum, Discord sniffed the air, trying to work out a scent.

“What’s up?”

“I smell evil,” Discord said uncertainly. “Should I be worried?”

I chuckled. “No, that’s pretty normal for Washington D.C., no matter who’s in charge. What does evil smell like?”

“You try smelling it, you are a Draconequus at the moment.”

I sniffed uncertainly. I wrinkled my nose. It was like someone had placed a landfill on top of an enormous rotting tuna sandwich, then poured sulfur on top of it.

“Wooo! That reeks!”

“That’s the most evil I’ve smelled outside of an Equestrian villain’s club meeting,” Discord said with a nod. He looked downcast. “If you’d known me not even 10 years ago, I would have smelled like that.”

I started rubbing his paw to soothe him. “What you did is in the past. Everyone’s forgiven you, all right? You’re reformed. Mostly,” I said with a grin.

“Mostly,” Discord replied, feeling better.

“Do the villains really have a club?”

“Oh sure, I meet up with them all and play Cribbage once a month,” Discord replied smoothly. I snorted in amusement. “Are you going to finish that?” Discord asked, pointing at my plate.

“I will fight you for every crumb of these fries!” I said, baring my teeth and holding my fork out like a sword. Discord looked nervous and dropped it.

After lunch we went back to the museum and wrapped the day up by visiting the Library of Congress. I cried, that many books was one of the most beautiful sights I’d ever seen.

“Right! Birthday dinner,” Discord said cheerfully.

“Discord,” I said with a slight whine, “You’ve been treating my all day! You don’t have to go this far out of your way every time you want to give me something…”

“One word: seafood.”

“All right!”

Discord nodded. “Just let me get changed.” He disappeared.

When he reappeared, he was dressed up in a snazzy black tux with his fur, mane, and beard combed, busy adjusted his cufflinks.

*Whoomph!* My wings flared open the elytra popping into place.

Discord snickered. “Heh. Wing boner.”

“Oh, don’t you start…”

“Feel a nosebleed coming on?” Discord asked coyly. “Like what you see?” He gave a twirl.

“Very much,” I said with a cough. “You spruce up very well!”

He chuckled. “Mind if I dress you? Different body and you’re not used to your magic yet.”

“Just not anything too flashy, all right?”

He nodded and snapped his fingers. A full-length mirror appeared in front of me a second later. I was wearing a light lilac tux with a black bow tie and tails. It didn’t clash with my fur too badly, but my legs were a different story.

“Uhh … could I have ‘basic black?’”

Discord nodded and the color shifted. I snickered when I saw us in the mirror. “What?” Discord asked with interest.

“We look like we’re going to our wedding. Are we going somewhere fancy for dinner? I’m not exactly ‘high society.’”

“No, but I know you like to dress up about as much as I do.”

He took me to a small but nice restaurant in New York, where the food was amazingly good.

When we got back to Chaosville, I collapsed into bed. “Thank you for the best birthday I’ve had.”

Discord started running his talons through my mane, causing me to let out deep rumbling purrs. “Glad you liked it. You could do the same for me, if…” He let it hang in the air unfinished.

“Yes. I’m staying like this, as long as I can look human on occasion.”

“I’m glad. … I was worried I was going to outlive you by a lot. Now I’ll have a bit longer.”

I glanced up. “How long?!”

“Eternity,” he said with a sappy smile.

“Hooh boy. … I’ll have to get used to it.” I nuzzled into the special bit of fluff on Discord’s chest that was always so comforting. “If I had any decency, after being made immortal and given off-the-charts amounts of magic, and spending so long madly in love with you, I’d ask you to marry me. You do look amazing in a tux.”

“Why don’t you?” Discord asked, not stopping his petting.

“Hmm. Maybe. One day. If I work up the nerve. For now, I want to just cuddle with you and sleep.”

“Ok, but my cosmic clock is ticking…”

I chuckled. I looked up at Discord and grinned wolfishly. “So … how many cubs were you thinking of having with me this morning? Two?”

Discord’s eyes widened. “Oh, fu-” I cut it off by kissing him.

Author's Note

Just wanted to write something.
For those of you following, I'm back to work on After Death, Creation, but it's an extra-long chapter, so it'll be a while yet. Sorry.